Sister forum[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by 222222 Sat Jul 07, 2012 4:18 pm
Wow what a chapter. Really top notch work. I noticed some typos but someone else already had that covered. Now for the review.
- Spoiler:
- First of all, not entirely convinced silver spoon is sane. On multiple occasions she called or started to call blackjack tiara. I've got my eye on her. And snips, really? I mean really? Fuck you snips. Anyways, good explanation for a no fly zone. Megaspells tend to have that effect on ponies. And another song battle woo. Recognized the song, nice choice but does this mean Rampage has a new personality she's not telling us about? Or maybe she just spent too much time in bars. Either way, epic song battle. And just when Nurse Graves was getting some real characterization and backstory she dies. Should have tooken a hint from the zebra and shoot BJ. Only real protection there is in this wasteland. Here's something that seemed vague to me: did BJ blow off her arm with the pipbuck or the other one? I couldn't tell. Rampage"We're stuck in radioactive locked down prison. Better drink my own piss." Both Blackjack and Rampage are suddenly thrust into a mini-unity and blackjack is semi immortal? Looks like they are going to have an "I finally understand you" moment like P-21 and blackjack. AmI the only who thought blackjack should take one of Cerberus's legs? That would be cool is all I'm saying. And to finish it all off, a nice cliffhanger. Can't wait to see where this goes.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Rafafidi Sat Jul 07, 2012 4:31 pm
Doing this just because you like it:Somber wrote:Oh... Celestia One... That'll be fun the second to last chapter....
Anyway, thanks for the reviews. Can't wait to read more. They really are the highlight of my day after posting. You guys keep me going more than anything else.
Not sure if it is a "review", just my first thoughts in each part.
- Spoiler:
Chapter 47:
_“I’m Silver Spoon, with the M.o.M. I’m here to administer your annual inspection and evaluation. It’s, like, totally overdue!”
Speech Check: *dice roll* 20. Success!
_The entire prison looked bigger from the inside than it had from the outside.
Or is it smaller from the outside?
_I looked from to the other. Elevators would be quicker.
Sure, because you are so lucky with elevators.
_...pressed a crackling shock baton against my head.
I didn't knew those existed in the Fallout universe. Blackjack totally need one for hers non-lethal fights.
_“Sneaking now,” chirped a synthetic voice. “Shhhhh…”
Squeeeee~
_Any other praise I was going to give was lost in the roar of buckshot and the explosion of pain in my gut as the gun went off.
Hey, look, now she's officially a party member.
_“Unfortunately, yes. But I try to ignore most of it.
He's repressing the shit out of half your time together.
_(Fight scene + song)
I can tell that Somber love doing those, these scenes are always top-quality
_“There was once a report that said pony battle effectiveness increased by almost seventy percent when they were singing.
Pony bards are Epic-level by default.
_No! No! Doctor Bones!
Dr. Temperance Brennan? Where was Booth?
_Oh crap. It was one of the suits of soul armor…
Oh, he was with her all along.
_Then it wrapped its hooves around the hilt and turned the weapon on me.
Fools me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.
_I hated to leave my sword there under the table
Sure, leave the Soul Eater/Soul Calibur alone, what could possible go wrong?
_“For the Glory of Equestriiiiiiiizzzzk-“/Then she vanished in a sheet of blazing blue, along with the storeroom.
Surprise boss fight!
_Given his cutie mark of a knife and fork, there was no question what his talent was.
It's the fat background studant! Man, I'm really slow...
Picture of Deus wearing a fez please?
_“Wars are dirty, uncouth things for surface/unmagical ponies to struggle through. No concern for ponies who live in the clouds/ can use magic.
Yeah, screw the Earth ponies! They can do all the work (again) while we rest in ours clouds/castles (again).
_“Bakers. Tailors. Candy makers. Farmers. Princes. And we’re going to throw them into fighting they’ve never imagined before.
Never played a RPG? That's the PERFECT party! They'll save the world, the universe, kill elder gods and help random people with giant exclamation marks above their heads. Not necessarily in that order.
_We were friends. We were comrades. We were Macintosh’s Marauders
Shivers.
_“Welcome to Unity, Blackjack.”
That was... unexpected, I guess.
_Any chance at all of retreat the way we came was now ablaze in a lake of fire!
Good job! *slow clap*
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Cptadder Sat Jul 07, 2012 4:43 pm
On unrelated to the story at all news the local high temperature here is 106*F or 41C for you non Americans (Metric system? Neeeeverr!) with a feels like temperature of 114*F or 45.5C for the meter crowd.
So naturally I'm about to go do a five k in this, it's going to be a much more walky 5k than normal for me because I'm not flipping insane. But the reason I posted this today is because of this...
![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 14 Acttemp_600x405](https://img.photobucket.com/albums/v733/WaWAdder/Misc/acttemp_600x405.jpg)
See that 106 section in the middle of the country? That's where I am this year, now see that 86 on the corner of Florida next to Alabama? If I were home at Pensacola Beach Florida I'd be twenty degrees cooler. If I was in the place with the wonderful beaches, the nice ocean and the awesome views for the place that famous year round for being always warm, if I was there right now I'd be so much cooler.
Why must you torment me fickle weather patterns!
So naturally I'm about to go do a five k in this, it's going to be a much more walky 5k than normal for me because I'm not flipping insane. But the reason I posted this today is because of this...
See that 106 section in the middle of the country? That's where I am this year, now see that 86 on the corner of Florida next to Alabama? If I were home at Pensacola Beach Florida I'd be twenty degrees cooler. If I was in the place with the wonderful beaches, the nice ocean and the awesome views for the place that famous year round for being always warm, if I was there right now I'd be so much cooler.
Why must you torment me fickle weather patterns!
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Vergil Sat Jul 07, 2012 5:00 pm
Be safe, Cptadder! I'm in Maryland myself and have retreated to Pimlico race course of all places to write today. Currently 101 here.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Ketchup Sat Jul 07, 2012 5:10 pm
A little commentary for this chapter. I apologize for the lack of relevant feedback.
- Spoiler:
Going in, Blackjack's assessment that the plan had gone extinct was quite accurate.
Silver Spoon, being a complete and total badass in convincing the security not to kill them all with an inspection.
“I don’t suppose I could convince you to reschedule? We’re having a mild disturbance at the moment...”
You don't say?
“So long as you have your visitor passes, the automated security should ignore you and your inspection team.”
Umm, do they have those?
“Warden Hobble was, like, totally the nastiest pony ever put in charge of a prison,” Silver Spoon said nervously. “He was totally corrupt, too, but anytime we’d come to inspect, the inspectors either found nothing wrong or else they had nasty accidents.” Her brow furrowed in concern. “He’ll totally try something bad.”
Not good...
A mention of this Quartz ya'll have been blabbering about, and she gave bribes. To quote Psycoshy, surprise surprise.
Luna was quite a strange ruler.
I just noticed the addition of page numbers.
Why do I have a very bad feeling about the kitchens? Not to mention elevators.
Security guards made a fort in the cafeteria and sat in it, for 200 years. At least they can talk.
Never mind, they don't seem to have reason, and they regenerate, undoubtedly due to the irradiation.
Shock baton+cybernetics=bad.
Then Xanthe shoots her. “Don’t worry about it. Happens all the time,”
Insight on Luna's ruling style from the Dealer was quite interesting, especially direct action.
I knew the elevator wouldn't work. Because elevators don't usually work after aerial vehicles hit buildings.
And now there are blue slime monsters coming out of the sink. This place gets less hospitable every minute.
And they reproduce by absorbing creatures.
Of course, the sprinkler system is full of sludge too!
But it thankfully isn't immune to the electric discharges from the mixers.
What's with the powder?
Alright, Blackjack wants to quit, get more supplies and ponies. Sounds like a good idea to me.
But Shears doesn't want to go, so he soul saps Blackjack. Oh no. Why?
Because he has to. Of course.
But all of the party wants to stay, which is dandy, but they still only have 8 Rad Away. To the clinic?
'Page acting weird.
Running forward, singing, and smashing. Sounds like fun, carpe diem.
And the cells open. Convenient, probably The Warden's work.
“You understand that this is why you couldn’t beat them, right? You just couldn’t compete with pony combat folk music.”
Hah. That was funny.
Good, a supply of Rad Away. I wonder if these co-workers aren't feral. They probably are.
Not so pretty inside.
I wonder if there is a limit to the amount of Rad-X and Rad Away a pony can ingest within a certain amount of time. They certainly use a lot of it.
Doctor Bones is wearing soul jar armor, looks like they're in for a fight.
...Or not, just drop things on it. Looks like the sword is gone, though.
All dead, but it looks like they died on impact for the most part, which I guess is nice enough.
Walking fire? Oh no. Sounds tough, especially without water.
That is one fucked up ghoul.
And it killed Cerberus!
And Graves...
And now she lost another shotgun. Gets worse and worse.
"Unicorns were not made to run like this... okay we’ll maybe I was made to but... oh Celestia that was a lot of radiation."
I think this is a mistake.
So they made a plasma laser thing with Cerberus? Awesome.
Here comes Dr. Bones!
Carrion is hit, Shears is a turquoise non-ghoul, and Blackjack wants the balefire egg?
I think she's going to get Flamey out the window, with a balefire egg strapped to it or something, and detonate it with the plasma beam.
Ok, they did that, but without the plasma beam. Minus a robotic leg...
Into another hallucination/memory/imagination instance.
Looks like this one is about the first destruction of Hoofington, near the start of hostilities.
Talent of faith? Sounds useful enough, I guess.
Looks like these Marauders are all friends already.
The rest trickle in.
Blueblood being haughty and condescending. I dislike him.
Captain Cupcake must have been the CO that was killed in the memory orb all that time ago.
Memory over, Blackjack awakes.
Lab Rampage/Twist. Maybe Octopus?
They recycled the Rad-Away from urine. Interesting.
Ahah! I was right. Plus some more of the 'Rampage Committee'.
Cerberus lives. Xanthe might gain some appreciation from him for once, despite being an evil zebra saboteur.
"It don't make me no difference"shshshshshsh
Um, I don't know if this is right. It doesn't look it.
Blackjack has a redundant set of regeneration implants? Cool.
Still, missing leg.
And now she can hear Unity?!
Of course its Snips. SS confirmed it.
And he's linked to Snails. Odd.
The origin to the Rampage Committee. Interesting.
And it ends in a potentially very perilous situation.
A thoroughly enjoyable chapter, lots of revelations and excellently executed action.
RE: End note:
The delay is quite acceptable. Do what you need to do to get flat on your feet.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Ketchup Sat Jul 07, 2012 5:23 pm
@Adder
It isn't freakishly warm here, but we just had a sudden thunderstorm, and now it's sunny. The weather patterns are certainly ridiculous. Having a temperature range going from -40C to 40C makes for interesting weather.
It isn't freakishly warm here, but we just had a sudden thunderstorm, and now it's sunny. The weather patterns are certainly ridiculous. Having a temperature range going from -40C to 40C makes for interesting weather.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Sat Jul 07, 2012 5:27 pm
[quote="ketchup504"]"Unicorns were not made to run like this... okay we’ll maybe I was made to but... oh Celestia that was a lot of radiation."
I think this is a mistake.[/qoute]
Ah, thank you; I don't know if the second part of that ever got brushed at all.
Also, here's a thought: with Blackjack now connected to Unity, she won't just be watching Lacunae experience the Goddess's death...
I think this is a mistake.[/qoute]
Ah, thank you; I don't know if the second part of that ever got brushed at all.
Also, here's a thought: with Blackjack now connected to Unity, she won't just be watching Lacunae experience the Goddess's death...
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Aonee Sat Jul 07, 2012 5:45 pm
Yup. That's gonna be a fun one when Littlepip comes in with a bomb. I wonder, will BJ get to see Lil'pip through the Goddess's eyes?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Cptadder Sat Jul 07, 2012 5:47 pm
Which makes a rather interesting question about after since without the Unity link the enervation becomes much more tolerable and she's got an "in" with the Alicorns as someone friendly to them (generally speaking).O. Hinds wrote:
Also, here's a thought: with Blackjack now connected to Unity, she won't just be watching Lacunae experience the Goddess's death...
I'm calling it now, Queen Whisky's glorious squadron shall fly again.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Ketchup Sat Jul 07, 2012 6:21 pm
Then she will be surprised when the radio says the Stable Dweller did it. The link was certainly a twist.Aonee wrote:Yup. That's gonna be a fun one when Littlepip comes in with a bomb. I wonder, will BJ get to see Lil'pip through the Goddess's eyes?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Rafafidi Sat Jul 07, 2012 6:28 pm
Thank you! So who will be the first to say "Ponies!" ou "Project Horizons!" in the video comentaries?Nightshy wrote:That song Rampage is singing? Hah I knew it as soon as she started, I heard it recently somewhere....well anyway for those who are wondering, here is the original: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L2tWwHOXMhI Great Song, in fact, all the music recently has be great!
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Kippershy Sat Jul 07, 2012 6:46 pm
Finally got around to reading the chapter.
I've not given a full review unfortunately, but if I manage to find the time I'll reread and try to do that for you, if you so wish.
review in the spoilers, as usual.
I've not given a full review unfortunately, but if I manage to find the time I'll reread and try to do that for you, if you so wish.
review in the spoilers, as usual.
- Spoiler:
- Liked the whole thing about plans and such.
Silver Spoon being helpful despite being tricked is heartwarming - hopefully she understands and doesn't hold it against BJ too much.
The whole razorwire moment with getting pinned down... you just can't stay away from it, can you Somb? ;)
Just messin'.
Sort've surprised about the whole PP / MoM thing but then in another way, I'm not.
I do like the way you explain what Luna does and doesn't do though.
Just begun the fight scene, so thoughts as I go along start properly from here.
I do I do I do do do, love the whole "Forgive me Luna" part.
Snipers remorse.
Now she's been shot by her, too.
Did Psycho ever shoot her or does beating the shit out of her count?
Slime! Why does it always have to be slime?!
I hate slime!
/reference
I was going to say, what, her fucking fingers are gone?! but now they're regrowing LOL. Awesome.
Having the whole "Yeah, I've been dead" thing is awesome. Completely terrorise Shears.
Also - that must mean that he's seen the afterlife too?
Do all ghouls see it? Or is it specific ones perhaps?
I thought it was that you simply began to rot and realised OHSHI- IM A GHOUL rather then actually dying and coming back.
Not sure what's going on with rampage right now.
Again - not completely sure on the whole song thing, but it adds something different I suppose.
Is this a reference to the Cerberus x Stealth suit?
Poor grumpy. Poor grumpy indeed.
Huh. Walking fire? Is that some kind've super glowing ghoul or something? lol.
hahahaha, so cute @ the tapping of the head with a packet of radaway.
Yeah, definitely an ultra glowing one I take it.
CEEEEEEEEEEEEERBYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
-sads-
So, lost all the supplies they'd need to survive and now running... with nowhere specific in mind.
Another Blackjack classic it seems.
So, he's no ghoul. explains why he's seen the afterlife then!
Would also explain why he knows how much it hurts to get your soul spliced up.
Blackjack... you're not going to die a second time, are you?
Not into the non stop heavy lisp from Twist. I've not watched the episodes where she speaks recently enough to remember if it's every word or just occasionally though, so it could just be me.
Dues is bigger then Mac?
Hahahaha. totally loving the
"________"
"You."
"________"
"You."
part.
>there’s probably at least some pee in it. Drink it anyway
>there’s probably at least some pee in it.
>at least some pee in it.
>pee in it.
>2011
>not drinking Rampages pee
ISHYGDDT
Blackjack the alicorn... heh heh heh.
Well... sort've.
Does this mean that Blackjack's personality/memories can never die? That she could in theory take over another alicorn body?
Just finished the chapter. Sorry I stopped putting my reactions/thoughts down, it's extremely late and I have work in the morning - really I should've left half of it for tomorrow but hey, it's worth staying up for.
The one comment I do have is that Blackjack - after shooting rampage in the head, catches the shears in her *hand*
(which yes, with fingers is a semi appropriate name - but I still think hoof would be better.)
As for donations - unfortunately I'm going to feel like an utter cunt for saying this... but I'm going to have to sit this one out at least until I'm paid and have a good check on what money I have.
Once I know I have enough, I promise I'll donate.
It's now that I wish I'd known about the other wholesale computer parts site as it turns out mounting a motherboard really isn't all that difficult and would've saved me some money which I could've sent you.
Anyway, good chapter. Thank you as always for writing this for us and as much as I'm going to miss Project Horizons while it's gone, it really is best that you instead use the time to sort yourself out.
With any luck, even if it is a case of moving in with one of us fans who've offered, you'll be happier.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Karasu Sat Jul 07, 2012 6:53 pm
Hi all, (long timer lurker, FTP here) i suppose this is a rather sudden way to burst into a discussion thread, but does anyone else have either a niggling desire or a burning need to actually hear the song from this most recent chapter?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Guest Sat Jul 07, 2012 6:56 pm
Karasu wrote:Hi all, (long timer lurker, FTP here) i suppose this is a rather sudden way to burst into a discussion thread, but does anyone else have either a niggling desire or a burning need to actually hear the song from this most recent chapter?
Welcome Karasu, stay and enjoy the madness!
![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 14 3670107347](https://2img.net/u/2516/12/35/12/smiles/3670107347.png)
Anyways, I personally would love to actually hear the song from the new chapter and think there are quite a few folks hear that would like to as well.
Guest- Guest
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Kippershy Sat Jul 07, 2012 6:56 pm
Rafafidi wrote:Thank you! So who will be the first to say "Ponies!" ou "Project Horizons!" in the video comentaries?Nightshy wrote:That song Rampage is singing? Hah I knew it as soon as she started, I heard it recently somewhere....well anyway for those who are wondering, here is the original: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L2tWwHOXMhI Great Song, in fact, all the music recently has be great!![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 14 779695502](https://2img.net/u/2516/12/35/12/smiles/779695502.png)
First of all - how fucking weird, I've heard this song recently too O___O
Also
![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 14 64684025](https://2img.net/u/2516/12/35/12/smiles/64684025.png)
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Karasu Sat Jul 07, 2012 6:57 pm
Kippershy wrote:Rafafidi wrote:Thank you! So who will be the first to say "Ponies!" ou "Project Horizons!" in the video comentaries?Nightshy wrote:That song Rampage is singing? Hah I knew it as soon as she started, I heard it recently somewhere....well anyway for those who are wondering, here is the original: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L2tWwHOXMhI Great Song, in fact, all the music recently has be great!
First of all - how fucking weird, I've heard this song recently too O___O
Also
Many thanks Kipper!
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Kippershy Sat Jul 07, 2012 6:58 pm
You're welcome.
You might also notice the newest comment, if you don't have linkify.
You might also notice the newest comment, if you don't have linkify.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Stringtheory Sat Jul 07, 2012 8:11 pm
Another awesome chapter!
No long commentary from me, one, I don't feel qualified, two, I've already read everyone else's so I wouldn't consider it my own opinions, but I will make these comments:
Finally some info on Luna, she's been portrayed in far too good of a light, I hope we get to find out the truth about her, quick comparison to the original Fallout: Equestria: in FO:E, the pre-war figures had a couple of dark secrets each, while in PH everyone (by everyone, I mean someone who has had been in atleast two chapters) has atleast three dark secrets, whether acquired during the story or before it started, so I'm waiting for the dark secrets on Luna
The song was totally awesome!
now they have even more of a time limit...
No long commentary from me, one, I don't feel qualified, two, I've already read everyone else's so I wouldn't consider it my own opinions, but I will make these comments:
Finally some info on Luna, she's been portrayed in far too good of a light, I hope we get to find out the truth about her, quick comparison to the original Fallout: Equestria: in FO:E, the pre-war figures had a couple of dark secrets each, while in PH everyone (by everyone, I mean someone who has had been in atleast two chapters) has atleast three dark secrets, whether acquired during the story or before it started, so I'm waiting for the dark secrets on Luna
The song was totally awesome!
now they have even more of a time limit...
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by iLateralGX Sat Jul 07, 2012 8:31 pm
swicked wrote:...how long does it take you guys that just stay up to read it?
'Cause I read as slow as heck and it takes me days to get through one... and double that if I try and do a reading commentary of it o_o
Usually takes me 2 hours at most 3 for a chapter this size.
Of course, I have been conditioned for extreme chapter lengths. So you know.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by SilentCarto Sat Jul 07, 2012 9:04 pm
Maybe we have different definitions, but I call sinking entire islands "widespread damage".Sindri wrote:Yes, small islands and launch facilities. Not zebra cities, cropland, or significant regions. Celestia One did not destroy the zebra lands, just their most dangerous military facilities. It was Equestria's greatest defensive megaspell, but it was not what destroyed their civilian populations.
I don't think it should. I mean, does a balefire megaspell make the surrounding area freeze over? It's not just focusing existing solar energy; the whole point of a megaspell is to pump vast amounts of energy into an existing spell. I think it needs the sunlight as a link back to the sun rather than acting directly on the light that enters the casting chamber or for targeting information.swicked wrote:Again, was there ever any description of the rest of the planet going dark, or at least dim, for moments at a time while the thing fired? Because anyone not in the know might have been freaked out a bit by that.
She did mention that.swicked wrote:Yup. Twilight complained that it was a ridiculous thing to rely on for defense since all the zebra had to wait for was a cloudy day.
To which I always wondered why they couldn't just wait until nightfall, since those happen far more frequently...
"I can’t tell the Princess that the only defense we have against those missiles can be defeated by a cloudy day. What if the zebras decide to attack us at night?"
*GASP!* It's been up ALL DAY and I didn't realize it! :woops:O. Hinds wrote:47, it is up!
It usually takes me about 4 hours, if I'm writing commentary. If I don't, I can go much faster.swicked wrote:...how long does it take you guys that just stay up to read it?
'Cause I read as slow as heck and it takes me days to get through one... and double that if I try and do a reading commentary of it o_o
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Somber Sat Jul 07, 2012 9:16 pm
Um... hope I don't sound snarky, but I can read one of my chapters in about 30-40 minutes....
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Aonee Sat Jul 07, 2012 9:29 pm
And thus Somber gains another level of God-dom. And no, I don't think it sounds snarky at all.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Ketchup Sat Jul 07, 2012 9:50 pm
I'd say, and I'm not an expert, you don't necessarily need to reinterpret what you read, since you wrote the chapter. Not only that, but without a hypothetical transporter/time machine, you couldn't have not read what you've written without reading it before.Somber wrote:Um... hope I don't sound snarky, but I can read one of my chapters in about 30-40 minutes....
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by RoboRed Sat Jul 07, 2012 10:01 pm
(ONE BAD JOKE AND A SLAPPED-TOGETHER PHOTOSHOP JOB LATER...)
![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 14 BJpiss](https://img.photobucket.com/albums/v426/RoboRed/BJpiss.png)
Last edited by RoboRed on Sun Jul 08, 2012 1:41 am; edited 1 time in total
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Sat Jul 07, 2012 10:35 pm
Thoughts on chapter time. Sadly, want to do this without seeing others' comments, so might cover that later.
And the editing-related stuff.
- Spoiler:
“Warden Hobble!” Silver Spoon shouted up at
the combined screens. Her own green luminescence began to flare from the
radiation pouring down on us. “I’m Silver Spoon, with the M.o.M.
I’m here to administer your annual inspection and evaluation. It’s,
like, totally overdue!”
Okay, I’m nominating SS for best pony of the
chapter. Just awesome right here.
“According to M.o.M. penal facility
requirements, your performance must be evaluated every year. So, like,
I’m here to give you one!”
Speech check…
“Silver
Spoon? You… you’re here… to…?” His blazing eye widened, and the
ghoul leaned back, frowning and muttering to himself before he said
sarcastically, “Oh dear. I thought it’d been a while... My
evaluation. Of course you’d pick now of all times.” His lips
cracked and crumbled as he grinned extra wide, blue-green flames licking out
from between his teeth. “I don’t suppose I could convince you to
reschedule? We’re having a mild disturbance at the moment...”
Nailed it!
"The air beside the guard shimmered, and a moment later there was a shotgun blast right
at the base of the guard’s helmet. The ghoul’s head erupted, and my
revolvers clattered down beside me along with chunks of undead cranium.
Then the shimmer flashed, and Xanthe stood there with my shotgun in her
mouth, legs shaking.
“Good jo-" I began to say as she turned towards me, trying to talk around the
trigger. Any other praise I was going to give was lost in the roar of
buckshot and the explosion of pain in my gut as the gun went off. She
spat it out with a horrified look, kneeling beside me."
Well, we can check her off.
“Oh… oh… oh… I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
Are you okay? Please don’t kill me with my own bones!”
She’s had worse. Besides, I don’t think BJ is
normally that creative.
"Anything… except quit."
Looks like Goldenblood wasn’t the only one
who felt that way.
"“Tiara!” Silver Spoon screamed, and I turned
towards the door to the cafeteria at once, not seeing the hostiles. Then
I looked at the gray ghoul and saw where she was looking. Not at the
elevator nor the trapped ghouls within. Her eyes were locked on the
sinks."
Ffffuuuuuuuu…
"The acidic ooze sent psudeopods snaking into
the crushed elevator, and I watched as the thrashing ghouls were slowly
dissolved into more blue sludge."
Because we can’t have just [enter number
here] enemies that assimilate you [plus Rampage]. Oh no. (Though I suppose it’s only fair—I actually
have a bit of a joke hypothesis that Blackjack will bring peace to Hoofington
by running out of enemies as her party expands to include the city’s entire
population.)
“You know, this place isn’t so bad,” I
muttered, my whole body afire. “Once you get past the undead guards, the
acidic ooze monsters, and the insane warden, it’s really… pretty horrible,
actually,”
Not your best work, Blackjack. I’m
disappointed.
"Keep following the trail to the very end.
Overcome. Win. Win at any cost. Ante up. Push to
the very end…"
I now wonder how long she could have kept the
string of clichés going.
“Right.
Then we’re done. I’m not going to kill all of you for my own ends,”
I said as I looked to the south. “We go back to Meatlocker, heal up and
come back another day. We didn’t know about the smooze, the soul jars, or
the Warden. We need better supplies and weapons. I want to get
Glory and P-21 in on this. His grenades and her beam rifle are just what
we need. You can whip up more talismans, we can bring a tanker truck of
RadAway, and we’ll do it right,” I said with a nod. “We can work our way
in from the outside, take our time with the turrets, pick off the ghouls, and
make sure this place is secure.”
…This might just be one of the most responsible
things she’s ever said. I’m impressed. Just so long as she doesn’t get boring…
"“I don’t
have to take any of you,” he said as he looked right at me, his horn flaring
bright blue. “Just one.”
From the
cloaked ghoul, a twisting, ghostly white whirlpool formed above his horn.
Then, in a flash of gray smoke, it shot across the distance between us
and slammed into my chest."
You better not be doing what I’m worried you
are, Snips. Not cool.
"I’d like to say I’d
never heard screams from inside me before, but as the spell hit me I heard a
noise like Enervation coming from my chest… a clawing, twisting explosion of
pain that drove me to my knees.
Rampage sailed through the air and crashed down upon Shears like an avalanche.
“You’re dead!” She reared her forehooves above him, rusty, jagged
hoofclaws ready to rip him to pieces.
“I die, she dies!” the
ghoul screamed, freezing the earth pony. Shears rasped, “That curse is
slowly ripping her soul from her body. In a few hours, she’s dead or
worse.”"
No seriously, fuck you
Snips. On another note, I think this serves as yet another great data-point
indicating that the smarter BJ acts, the worse things happen to her. She really
should just stay liquored up 16/7 (it was sixteen hour days, right?).
"Again?”
he murmured softly, and then took a slow step back. “You’ve… been to the
everafter? Seen the singing lights? But your eyes…”
"Are
synthetic. So. Tell me why,"
I’m more machine now, than pony.
Twisted, but trying not to be evil. [Sometimes failing pretty miserably. See next
comment]
Yeah, that sort of broke up there at
the end, but still worth it.
"I’m not going to abandon Tiar… um… Blackjack,” Silver Spoon said
as she put a hoof on my shoulder. I smiled at the gesture, but stepped
clear from the spiking radiation.
And here we have SS being an incredible mensch, considering the BS
Blackjack pulled to get her here. Really, I’ve still not gotten over that, and
sincerely hope that’s about the worst she ever pulls.
"I’m not retreating if it means losing more chances to incinerate
some maggot farms!” Cerberus said, waving his disintegration arm over his head.
“I’ve got over one million, one hundred and sixty eight hours of combat
inhibition to make up for!”
Sure, that sounds like a lot, but it’s under 60% of the time since
the world ended ; ).
"The zebra looked absolutely torn. “I…
I… I…” she stammered, looking in the direction of the exit. “Ooooh,
curses.” She slumped down before me, hanging her head. “I cannot
leave you, Maiden. You have cursed me like all the others. I am in
your thrall.”"
Sorry, Xanthe, but from what we’ve seen BJ
goes bottom; I don’t think she’s into being the master.
"She bowed her head towards me. “I am
cursed to follow the Star Maiden. Fighting my curse will only increase my
suffering. I resign myself to my doom and damnation, Star Maiden, in the
hope that you may lessen your wrath upon my people.”"
Too bad she’s a zebra and not a blue/gray
donkey.
“Oh that would be bad. Very very bad.
Please don’t shoot balefire warheads with beam weaponry!”
This is just the kind of thing that nobody
should ever have to say out loud.
"Even facing all this, we could do anything so
long as we did it together. Our strengths were combined and our
limitations overcome."
No! Not a friendship speech! Anything but
that!
“Some
people say earth ponies are made out of mud.
Well this
poor mare’s made of muscle and blood!
Muscle
and blood, skin and bone,
A mind
that’s weak but a back’s that strong!”
I take it back! Give me the friendship
speech!Also, yay for new Rampage personality.
"Half of us even couldn’t help singing along.
I wasn’t even sure I was getting the words right as I blasted a ghoul
lunging from a cell and decapitated it with three rapid shots a foot shy of it
biting my face off."
So, it’s now a necessity that sometime BJpullget plastered with
this one out,ither (preferably on Scotch), and
sing into the night. More combat would fit in well, too.
"Blackened pictures on the walls showed
various diagrams of pony anatomy."
I nominate “Parts of a Pony” for next battle
song. It would have to come really soon, though.
"I whipped out the first thing I could think
of, the only thing that had been effective: my sword. The blade hummed
its lone cold note as I slashed at the suit, but unlike the ones down below,
this one refused to cut. Still, it jerked away, as if in pain. I
advanced, keeping the sword stabbing at the suit. If I could just drive
it back into the storage room…"
Okay, that’s weird. Looking forward to seeing
why this happens.
"Then the heavy steel table came crashing down
atop the armor in a loud crunching noise. The rear hooves stuck out,
wiggling wildly as the rest of it was flattened. “We’ll not be doing that
again, thank you,” Lacunae said primly as she looked at me, clutching my chest
with a hoof as I struggled to breathe. The pain slowly receded, and I
glowered at Shears, who talked quietly to the stricken-looking Graves."
Oh, Goddess. I imagine you wouldn’t want to
relive being crushed by falling objects. Thanks for making the save this one
time, at least.
"I hated to leave my sword there under the
table, but I couldn’t see a way to get it out without running the risk of the
armor getting free too."
In no way do I see this coming back to bite
you in the ass.
"Her hoof pawed"
Heh.
"Be awesome, a cyan pegasus suggested. Easy for Gl- Rainbow Dash to
say."
Okay, that was seriously a nice touch. Have I
mentioned that the Blackjack/Glory dynamic is something you’ve handled
exquisitely? Because this really felt perfect, and I feel that it packed a ton
of meaning into a single syllable.
"The machine had all kinds of hazard warnings
on it, and I assumed Xanthe was ignoring each and every one as she hit the side
of the device and it gave the most wonderful, ominous hum."
Those last two words make me think of just
one thing…![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 14 Schlock20001111b](http://static.schlockmercenary.com/comics/schlock20001111b.png?1297712534)
“My key?” The… turquoise pony?
Wait! The pony wearing the charred rags didn’t have the
boiled-looking appearance of the undead. He looked like a simple portly
unicorn with prominent buck teeth and a shaggy brown mane. His eyes had
the same milky whiteness of a ghoul, but there was something off about them.
Something… luminescent.
Good use of foreshadowing. I’d known something
was up, but I’m looking forward to the full reveal, and what it will mean for
Blackjack.
“No!
No more shrieking,” I muttered as I took my target, hopped into S.A.T.S.,
and cast three magic bullets at my right leg at the knee. The first two
blasted the corroded, smoking metal. The third took it off completely.
Self-amputation. How often does BJ do this?
Must be nice to have the option to do so with few long-term consequences when
the need arises.
“We’ll fight,” Applesnack said with a sure,
wide smile. “We’ll fight as long as Equestria needs us. We’ll give
our lives if we have to; nothing will stop us from winning and making sure that
Equestria is safe for centuries to come.”
Reminds me a bit of https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WNDTmbALTdk&feature=player_detailpage#t=94s
“She didn’t make it,” Rampage said, and then
immediately followed it up with, “And unless you are a flaming ghoul that
burned her or forced her to come at gunpoint, you are not responsible for her
death. You can shelve that guilt right now. If she hadn’t thrown
out what RadAway she did, you and your friends would have died. That
ghoul was sane enough to target our supplies. You should be proud you
beat it rather than kicking yourself for her death.”
Rampage, it’s nice of you to try but this is
a losing battle. Keep at it, and maybe in a few weeks you can make a dent in
this complex.
Actually, though... despite the smell
of pee, the taste was a robust, tangy RadAway orange with a salty aftertaste.
Not bad!![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 14 23130311](https://i.servimg.com/u/f44/17/64/26/08/23130311.jpg)
Aaaaaaaand it looks like someone beat me to that one.
Overall, I felt that this chapter worked very nicely. Things are moving along, despite the fact that probably over two thirds of the chapter were action. The action was well done; the diversity of threats has been great, as has the range of responses. That has really helped to keep it from feeling drawn out or repetitive. Likewise, you do well with descriptions of both action and scenery. As ever, the world-building and character development are strong, and I'm interested to see where Snips' situation goes in the future. As I said above, I really think that you get some real gems in your writing, as with the Gl-Rainbow Dash. That was something that had be wondering what she was thinking for a second, before I realized of course there's the connection, and of course BJ would first think of Glory. It's natural that she would imagine encouragement coming from her love, and have to remind herself that it's not her but the mare whose double she became. It's telling, perhaps touching to me that Blackjack seemed to think not in terms of "Rainbow Dash's body, which Glory now seems to have," but rather "Glory's body, which happens to look like Rainbow Dash's."
Anyway, thank you and the team for the hard work, and best of luck figuring out the work and living situation changes.
And the editing-related stuff.
- Spoiler:
even without the effects of the apocalypse
and two centuries
perhaps “last two centuries”?
The black device was slightly discolored
around the edges; Stable-Tec, built to last.
I think here you either want either a full colon
or an em-dash (probably not the latter as I have seldom if ever seen it in PH)
with the original punctuation in the following, or the semicolon but not the
comma following Stable-Tec, since that does not leave it an independent clause.
“Now take it easy. I wouldn’t want you
to suffer anymore than you do now.”
I suppose this is a matter of contention, but
if the “any more” construction is ever appropriate then this would be a good
place to use it.
“There’s high powered turrets up there
designed to take fliers out in the event of lockdown!”
High-powered.
The only way to the broad stairwell was
across the floor of the central shaft, which was a mess of twisted steel,
chainlink fence, and tangled razorwire.
Metal hooves smashed down rolls of razor
wire, letting my companions scramble across my back.
t crashed into the tangled steel, buried for
a moment in the twisted chainlink and razor wire.
Better to stick to one spelling. It seems you
mostly use the single-word construction.
“Doctor Fern…” Nurse Graves murmured softly
as she stood over two skeletons curled-up together .
Extra space before the period.
I just had to trust the smart ponies that
they had a plan.
This one is probably okay—it just feels weird
to me—but might read better as “trust that the smart ponies had a plan.”
Okay; how was I supposed to make that turn?
The two thoughts are probably sufficiently
closely connected to justify just using a comma. I see it as a difference in
tone, where I imagine this being a single thought, with the “okay” being an
associated exclamation. Alternately, it could be more along the lines of “Okay,
I’ll do this. How am I supposed to accomplish it, though?” with the former
sentence serving as an expression of agreement either to Xanthe or to herself.
The jagged remnants of the window sliced deep
into my gut, and Rampage and Sygius were at my sides as the ghoul
dangled below me.
We’d been given a preliminary physical, sent
the fillies and colts who wanted to fight home, signed the parchment, and
gotten our hoof and dental prints taken.
Extra space between our and hoof.
When the orange mare before me with torch for
her cutie mark was led off to the side for specialist training, I stepped up to
the table.
“a torch”?
Okay, this might be a little more than even a
repair talisman could handle."
Shouldn’t have the quotation mark.
Last edited by Icy Shake on Sat Jul 07, 2012 11:19 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Formatting, mostly. Also the BG meme.)
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Sat Jul 07, 2012 11:02 pm
@Icy Shake:
Thank you as always for the error-spotting.
Thank you as always for the error-spotting.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Sat Jul 07, 2012 11:27 pm
O. Hinds wrote:@Icy Shake:
Thank you as always for the error-spotting.
You're welcome.
Regarding the "time taken to read chapter" discussion: a fair amount of the time I spend "reading" is related to looking up stuff the chapter makes me think of, like finding the referenced comic and speech, or figuring out if things that seem odd might actually be errors or if I just have a narrow sense of style and usage. If my inability to focus can help somebody else out, well, that's at least some consolation.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Mikas Sun Jul 08, 2012 12:20 am
Somber wrote:Um... hope I don't sound snarky, but I can read one of my chapters in about 30-40 minutes....
Wow that is fast. If I buckle down and focus (so no jumping for joy, pumping my fist, screaming incoherently, laughing, making vocal commentary, or suddenly start pacing about muttering as my mind starts processing new thoughts and ideas) I can probably manage an hour per chapter. This chapter added another 30 minutes due to my typing up commentary/reactions as I went (and I was pretty close to delirious with sleep deprivation).
Seriously though, 30-40 minutes!? Somber, the speed with which you write chapters (and read them) prove beyond a doubt that you are a machine. I salute thee.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Cptadder Sun Jul 08, 2012 12:32 am
Forty minutes as I average about a page per minute. But thirty minutes? Your reading ahead since you already know what's happening in your mind. That would be my reading speed after reading a story five or more times.Somber wrote:Um... hope I don't sound snarky, but I can read one of my chapters in about 30-40 minutes....
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Ketchup Sun Jul 08, 2012 12:36 am
Being familiar with the material would definitely effect the speed.Cptadder wrote:Forty minutes as I average about a page per minute. But thirty minutes? Your reading ahead since you already know what's happening in your mind. That would be my reading speed after reading a story five or more times.Somber wrote:Um... hope I don't sound snarky, but I can read one of my chapters in about 30-40 minutes....
It took me 5-4 1/2 hours to write the commentary and read the chapter, with interruptions.
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