Sister forum[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by thatguyvex Fri Jul 19, 2013 11:27 pm
swicked wrote:Or totally-jacked-jack.
The jack that downed all the drugs in her bags, had everything go red, then came to with a table through a pane of bulletproof glass and the floor, walls and ceiling uniformly covered in sticky red paste.
I am now in love with the idea of there being a new combat drug called 'Jack', which is basically every drug mixed into a single cocktail that duplicates the above effect.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Moodyman90 Fri Jul 19, 2013 11:29 pm
The only problem is that unless she goes out of her way to eat some there's no "Throw up glass all over somepony's face" jack.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by WavemasterRyx Sat Jul 20, 2013 3:35 am
Somber wrote:Glory smiled and turned, trotting away. "So it's official. I am a sex champion! Boooyah!" She shouted as she flexed. "Eat that Dusk! Me. Little miss nerd is a sex champ extraordinare!"
- Spoiler:
![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 27 Tumblr_mq84xaHasV1r52419o1_500](https://2img.net/h/25.media.tumblr.com/790cc8b33974ade04c3dddaee369942c/tumblr_mq84xaHasV1r52419o1_500.png)
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Caoimhe Sat Jul 20, 2013 8:18 am
"My butt..." what? What about your butt, Styg?! It is vitally important that we know!!!
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Guest Sat Jul 20, 2013 8:22 am
I think it says "My belt..."
I bet Ryx has been watching a lot of RT versus lately. Great job bud. Her coat is a little white though.
I bet Ryx has been watching a lot of RT versus lately. Great job bud. Her coat is a little white though.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Caoimhe Sat Jul 20, 2013 8:24 am
Oh duh, of course it says "belt." :/ Dr. Freud would have some words for me for sure...
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Guest Sat Jul 20, 2013 8:35 am
Ehh, the text is kinda blurry and the shape of the letters is pretty much the same. I can definitely see how you'd get butt out of that.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Meleagridis Sat Jul 20, 2013 11:09 am
Doof's speakers are working but Doof can't or won't talk. More or less it's been assumed he's caught some kind of aphasia, but what if he's not being allowed to speak because his control isn't entirely severed?
At first I was thinking up a joke, but in the past Doof has often been a dark mirror of Blackjack's own issues. With all the Goddess drama, it makes me wonder if Doof isn't silently struggling with his own domineering presence. Yet again a problem he and Blackjack both have to face, but where only Blackjack has any friends to help her through. If Doof was suddenly taken over, nobody would even bat an eyelash.
Except maybe Rampage.
That's something I kind of want to see a little more of... that little circle of friends. The most miserable, cursed, and unkillable monsters leaning on each other's shoulders for support in the wake of their own unforgivable crimes. It's a shame Doof doesn't eat or drink- I think he and Rampage should really have had a few drinks for old Stonewing.
At first I was thinking up a joke, but in the past Doof has often been a dark mirror of Blackjack's own issues. With all the Goddess drama, it makes me wonder if Doof isn't silently struggling with his own domineering presence. Yet again a problem he and Blackjack both have to face, but where only Blackjack has any friends to help her through. If Doof was suddenly taken over, nobody would even bat an eyelash.
Except maybe Rampage.
That's something I kind of want to see a little more of... that little circle of friends. The most miserable, cursed, and unkillable monsters leaning on each other's shoulders for support in the wake of their own unforgivable crimes. It's a shame Doof doesn't eat or drink- I think he and Rampage should really have had a few drinks for old Stonewing.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by SilentCarto Sat Jul 20, 2013 12:10 pm
I thought it said "butt" at first, too!Caoimhe wrote:Oh duh, of course it says "belt." :/ Dr. Freud would have some words for me for sure...
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by RoboRed Sat Jul 20, 2013 12:20 pm
Winning.WavemasterRyx wrote:Somber wrote:Glory smiled and turned, trotting away. "So it's official. I am a sex champion! Boooyah!" She shouted as she flexed. "Eat that Dusk! Me. Little miss nerd is a sex champ extraordinare!"http://wavemasterryx.tumblr.com/post/55944665161
- Spoiler:
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Sat Jul 20, 2013 2:37 pm
I already replied to this via email, but very nice. :)WavemasterRyx wrote:Somber wrote:Glory smiled and turned, trotting away. "So it's official. I am a sex champion! Boooyah!" She shouted as she flexed. "Eat that Dusk! Me. Little miss nerd is a sex champ extraordinare!"http://wavemasterryx.tumblr.com/post/55944665161
- Spoiler:
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Guest Sat Jul 20, 2013 2:40 pm
@Wavey
Yesssss. That's a great pose there, btw, very dynamic.
Yesssss. That's a great pose there, btw, very dynamic.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Somber Sat Jul 20, 2013 3:58 pm
hee hee hee hee!
::hugs Ryx very very carefully because Somber is currently a very very sunburned pony.::
::hugs Ryx very very carefully because Somber is currently a very very sunburned pony.::
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by WavemasterRyx Sat Jul 20, 2013 6:06 pm
How do you think Glory proved she was a sex champion? *exaggerated wink*Caoimhe wrote:"My butt..." what? What about your butt, Styg?! It is vitally important that we know!!!
But no, in all seriousness it does in fact say "My belt..." I realized it would be a little blurry, but I didn't mind that much.
Indeed, I have been watching it every Thursday since it started, I'm a big fan of RT. I was wondering if anyone would get that reference.Last wrote:I bet Ryx has been watching a lot of RT versus lately. Great job bud. Her coat is a little white though.
As for her coat, it is exactly the color I intended. If it bothers you too much, just consider it as being lighter from the giant spotlight above her.
It's a choice I can live with.swicked wrote:Her mane is a little un-rainbow, too :P
Oh don't worry, it looked like it said "butt" to me, too, heh. I may actually have left it blurry partially for that reason...SilentCarto wrote:I thought it said "butt" at first, too!
RoboRed wrote:Winning.
O. Hinds wrote:I already replied to this via email, but very nice. :)
Thank you, Robo, Hinds, and OAC. I'm glad you all liked it.Overlong Analysis Cobalt wrote:Yesssss. That's a great pose there, btw, very dynamic.
*hugs you back just as carefully*Somber wrote:hee hee hee hee!
::hugs Ryx very very carefully because Somber is currently a very very sunburned pony.::
I'm very happy you got a laugh out of it, sir, thank you.
I hope your sunburn heals quickly.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Vergil Sat Jul 20, 2013 7:06 pm
Keep it up Ryx
Also I owe Somber an apology for not doing a real chapter review in forever. My bad =(
Also I owe Somber an apology for not doing a real chapter review in forever. My bad =(
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Mon Jul 22, 2013 12:11 am
Ah, chapter sixteen. The climax of the first arc, and the end of an era.
- General thoughts:
- "I let go for any reason and you’re a headless horse.”
This got better after season 3.
Regardless, I felt a dangerous little lucidity that brought U-21 and his detonator into my complete attention.
"Lucidity" was pretty dangerous.
Has Deus mentioned Rampage? Fellow Reaper? Actually wants me alive for her own plot or scheme or amusement?
I think even to date Rampage never got Blackjack for her own plot.
. . . The whole "Damn right I'm crazy, and you're fucked if you kill me" tirade is one of the high points of early Project Horizons, isn't it. And P-21's reaction just makes it better!
Those weren’t the eyes of innocents, and the cart wasn’t glowing.
Hmmm. She knows her stuff, even (especially? especially!) drunk.
Either seeing me or sensing me, Deus shouted out across Flank, his voice seeming to echo off the rain, “CUNNNT!”
Rrriiiiiiight. He totally had to "sense" (or see) you; he couldn't possibly have heard the explosion, the scraping and clanging of an iron tub flying down the street, or the gunfire.
Fortunately, it looked like Deus was more interested in checking the hotel than the occupants of projectile bathtubs, but that wouldn’t last.
Oh, well I guess he didn't.
Glory ran from the Exchange, ducking and yipping as bullets pinged around her. “Blackjack, I…” She stared at P-21. “You! You’re…” Then she looked at the collar around my neck. “Blackjack… what...” She sat down hard, looking on the verge of tears. “What’s going on here?”
“We’ll get to that in a second, Glory.”
This seems like a situation that calls for shooshpaps. Sadly, there's no time for shooshpaps.
The mare was dragged along behind the Reaper till the razor wire tore through her neck and sent her head bouncing across the floor.
Good visual.
Unfortunately, the luck ended when the edge of the fire axe caught in his spine and I couldn’t pull it free.
(Relevant portion starts at 3:07)
Her face looked as if it’d been covered with synthetic strawberry jam, only red.
Okay. That line is just hilarious.
For whatever reason my question made her look sad. “Trust me. I’m really hard to kill,”
Already doing setup. Nice. Or did that plot line start this chapter?
“Glory!” I said as I stepped between them. She started to shake as I put my hoof on her shoulder. “You heard the recording. You know what I did to him.”
She gave a tiny hiccup as her mouth worked. “But… Blackjack…” she whimpered.
“I wronged him, Glory. You know that.” She shook even more as she clenched her eyes shut and I gave her a hug. “I’m sorry, Glory.”
And now we get the shooshpaps. So much emotion!
[Rampage:] “Pfffft. Who’s afraid of that doofus?” she said with a snort, looking over her shoulder as she walked to the spider robot.
That's (possibly, but I'm going with it) some sweet foreshadowing right there.
“Hello, Madam. What is your chem potion of choice?” the spider robot asked as Rampage put both hooves on the bar top. Her grin definitely made my mane crawl.
“Everything,” she said with chilling eagerness.
. . . nopony wanted to hang around Rampage as the robot pushed its needles into her limbs and she started giggling wildly. P-21 lead the way up the stairs as her giggles became hysterical laughter.
I forget: do we ever see medicine cabinet Rampage again? (I figure we don't even really see her (in action) here, but that has to be as good as drunk or Reaper Blackjack!)
Bad as it might be for Glory, I could live with defending myself to her death.
Another fun line.
Mini looked at me with a small smile. “It’s okay. We were trying to kill you. I mean, it’s only fair.” Somehow that made me feel even worse as the trapped mare gently stroked her sibling’s mane. “It’s okay, Gem. It doesn’t hurt at all.”
And they're back!
I had thought that I’d heard Deus scream before. I was wrong. Rearing up on his hind legs, the flayed Reaper’s mechanical mouth gaped, forcing a shattered jaw to stretch impossibly wide. An articulated metal windpipe released that horrible noise as flaps of skin dangled from him. Broken pieces of skull clung to an armored sphere that was still horribly attached to his mechanical spine. The bilious fluids pouring from the tubes along his throat and chest oozed and steamed in the rain. And he still wasn’t dead.
Great description, that.
Mini just laughed softly. “You’re a good pony, Miss Blackjack.” I felt a second unicorn’s magic on the gun.
One last gunshot sounded out across Flank.
The bridge was a nice parallel to this. Was that intentional? I could see it either way, just because after ~1.1 megawords there are bound to be some events that rhyme, even if they weren't really meant to.
“Congratulations. You’re a Reaper now. If you want it.” Even with the rain, the striped pony looked like she’d been put through a meat grinder. I couldn’t think of how many she’d killed below. I didn’t want to care about ponies trying to kill me any more. I just wanted to burn that part out of me.
This juxtaposition between Rampage's lines and Blackjack's thoughts, complemented by her own conception of what it is to be a Reaper and, for instance, Yellow River is really something.
“Fuck, I hate this maudlin shit.” She stood. “I’m going to go wait for 69 to open. I need... something... bad.”
Not a bad cover. But now that we know what "something" is. . .
Words I learned: judder, cinder block (the type made of cement and coal, not concrete).
- Chapter 16 editing:
- U-21, the scrawny brown unicorn buck-- scrawny from years of being locked up in a room by mares, I reminded myself-- watched the display with utter bafflement.
Symmetrical spacing around dashes.
and his detonator and just cackled. “Oh don’t be stupid.
Only one space after the first period.
I said as I wiped my tears, still hiccoughing with the occasional laugh.
U-21 had decayed into a hiccoughing fit,
He hiccoughed and choked, blood dripping out of his mouth as I knelt and held him upright.
These should be "hiccuping" and "hiccuped": everywhere else you use that spelling, including one instance in this chapter.
Maybe it was the rush I was feeling from seeing P-21 again. Could have been that a few hours ago I
Only one space after the period.
cheating them of their hopes and dreams.” I stomped a hoof,
Only one space after the period.
my eyes wide and staring. Oh, if only I had some rad poisoning right now
Only one space after the period.
Bottlecap, and potentially every foal and filly you pass might want to put a bullet in you.
Should that be "colt and filly"? Foals might be too young even in the Wasteland. But if this is slipping in some (accidental?) sexism, that's pretty clever.
Fellow Reaper? Actually wants me alive for her own plot
Only one space after the question mark.
“‘Cause I have!
Needs closing quotation mark.
But what’s really funny to me…. Really really funny… is that P-21 would put a bomb on me and hand you the button.
There should only be three dots in the first ellipsis, and the first "really" probably shouldn't be capitalized, as these ellipses seem to be punctuation internal to the sentence, not actually separating sentences.
If not, then there should be a second space after the first ellipsis and the "is" should be capitalized.
‘Cause if there’s going to be any pony in all of Equestria --in all the bloody fucked-up world!-- that has a Goddess-given right to blow my head off, it would be him!
Symmetrical spacing around the dashes. (I love the exclamation-inside-dashes, by the way; I think it (and its twin, the question-inside-dashes) could stand to see more use.)
Now, normally I don't care so much about this, but I think there should be a comma between "bloody" and "fucked-up"; as it is, it looks (to me) like she's British and using "bloody" as an adverb modifying "fucked-up," rather than both as adjectives modifying "world."
shaking his head. He looked…
I levitated one cup over to U-21. “Here.
my mane vigorously in annoyance. “Probably a fruit basket full of Dash,”
Only one space after the (first) period.
It might be Deus’ ponies.
"Deus's"
Who are you? Are you with Deus?
Only one space after first question mark.
Should have…he ambushed me!
Need space after ellipsis.
“She doesn’t learn-“
Second hyphen for dash.
the missile launcher in his jaw. The tub rocketed through the door of the room a floor below,
Only one space after the period.
I panted in time with my blue friend, our eyes staring into each others’,
"each other's"
glowing magical bullets into his face. As he went down,
he brought a sawed-off shotgun to bear. My barding took the slugs with a
Only one space after the period.
The other buck shot her in the head at point blank with a shotgun.
Should this be "head point blank" or "head at point blank range" instead?
The small pegasus didn’t look too much the worse for wear, and she drank a healing potion then passed me one.
I think there should be a comma after "potion"; as a standalone sentence, I'm pretty sure "She drank a healing potion then passed me one." would be incorrect.
and shells and the occasional chem potion. Or weak healing potion.
Only one space after the first period.
“You… won’t? What… P-21! What are you talking about? Stop messing around.”
The "What... P-21!" feels like it might be two separate sentences (unlike "You... won't"), and if that's the case, there should be a second space after the ellipsis following "what."
The stairs led up to the third floor, which was apparently a flophouse for ponies looking to sleep off the after-effects of their benders.
"Aftereffects" is one word.
Luuuunaaa…. I’m gonna go see Luuuunaaa…
There should be only three dots on that first one.
showing the rusting steel and crumbling cinderblock underneath.
"cinder block" is two words.
I could have screamed with how effortlessly he did it!
Perhaps "screamed at"?
They showed four ponies standing before an large audience on a magnificent stage.
"a large audience"
There’s got to be better things to bomb.
I know this is from a message quotation, but I imagine Octavia would have got the subject-verb agreement of "There[ have] got to be better things" to bomb, at least under the more common fanon for her.
The cello --or maybe it was a double bass, I couldn’t tell-- rested comfortably in its frame
Symmetrical spacing around the dashes.
We were barely able to scramble up the slippery slope to reach the fifth floor, and only then with me shoving P-21’s rump up towards the top.
May read better with "only" and "then" reversed, or something. Maybe "only with . . . top at that"? Ugh. I hate getting these subtle, hard-to-identify feelings of wrongness; it makes me feel like I might just be imagining things.
I couldn’t tell if the shooters were Pecos or Deus’ ponies; I supposed it didn’t matter.
"Deus's"
and, better yet, it’d protect us from Taurus’... damn, why had he stopped shooting?
"Taurus's"
I jumped into S.A.T.S. in mid fall and sent two telekinetic bullets into the pegasus’ head, but the magic was ineffective against its helmet.
"pegasus's"
so I pinned it beneath some rubble. Here was one of the Enclave
Three spaces after the period.
“Blackjack, stop.” P-21 said calmly beside me.
The period in the quotation should be a comma.
You left your family; just like her.
Possible semicolon to comma?
I really hoped I’d taken those lethal energy guns out of commission. “Off on your own selfish crusade
Only one space after the period.
Dusk shouted, pointing a hoof at P-21 and myself.
"P-21 and me."
Of course, that would mean I’d have to hit them twice...but it was the only thing I could do.
Space needed after ellipsis.
Damn me...it felt good.
Space needed after ellipsis.
“Gem! No” I screamed as she went solid,
Second space needed after "Gem!" and punctuation (probably another exclamation point) needed after "No."
One red eye-camera focused right on me, and he pointed his canons at my prostrate form.
"cannons" (unless he's doing something other than what I think he's doing)
Both all right… No.
Need second space after ellipsis.
‘Pull the trigger. Pull the trigger.
Three spaces after the first "trigger."
I still want to… a little. And I don’t think
Only one space after the period.
he said as he bowed his head. Then he looked
Only one space after period.
- Other editing:
- 12: Four of the grim faced, black-combat-armored soldiers surrounded me in a stark cinderblock room with my weapons gone and my hooves duct taped together.
"Cinder block" is two words.
New perk added: Finesse- Your attacks show a lot of finesse...or maybe it’s just dumb luck. Either way, you have a higher chance to score a critical hit.
Symmetrical spacing around dash, need space after ellipsis.
27: It was like seeing a cinderblock in a dress uniform, and his perspiration was already starting to show through.
"Cinder block" is two words.
43: It was lined with cinderblocks and had rusted hunks of machinery around it.
"Cinder blocks" is two words.
I pressed my back to the cinderblock wall, watching them approach... taking in their weapons.
"Cinder block" is two words.
45: I closed my eyes, resting my head against the cool, moist cinderblock.
"Cinder block" is two words.
46: The hall was made of gray cinderblock and ran straight ahead.
"Cinder block" is two words.
“Help me!” she screamed as the boots yanked her to her hooves and send her galloping straight at a solid cinderblock wall!
"Cinder block" is two words.
47: “She might banish you from Equestria. Or throw you in a dungeon. Or banish you and then throw you in a dungeon in the place that she banishes you to!”
Only one space after each period.
Only the fact she wore plate armor kept her intact as she tore through the cinderblock.
"Cinder block" is two words.
57: “I can't believe we're finally here. With all that we've imagined, the reality of this night is sure to make this... The Best Night Ever!”
Only one space after the period.
The Society’s jail was a cinderblock-walled storage shed built into the side of a hill.
Cinderblock is two words, so in addition to splitting it the hyphen should be replaced by an en-dash (i.e. "cinder block–walled").
His fist smashed right through the cinderblock wall.
"Cinder block" is two words.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Mon Jul 22, 2013 1:17 am
I extend my usual thanks for this.Icy Shake wrote:Ah, chapter sixteen. The climax of the first arc, and the end of an era.
- General thoughts:
This got better after season 3.
Regardless, I felt a dangerous little lucidity that brought U-21 and his detonator into my complete attention.
"Lucidity" was pretty dangerous.
Has Deus mentioned Rampage? Fellow Reaper? Actually wants me alive for her own plot or scheme or amusement?
I think even to date Rampage never got Blackjack for her own plot.
. . . The whole "Damn right I'm crazy, and you're fucked if you kill me" tirade is one of the high points of early Project Horizons, isn't it. And P-21's reaction just makes it better!
Those weren’t the eyes of innocents, and the cart wasn’t glowing.
Hmmm. She knows her stuff, even (especially? especially!) drunk.
Either seeing me or sensing me, Deus shouted out across Flank, his voice seeming to echo off the rain, “CUNNNT!”
Rrriiiiiiight. He totally had to "sense" (or see) you; he couldn't possibly have heard the explosion, the scraping and clanging of an iron tub flying down the street, or the gunfire.
Fortunately, it looked like Deus was more interested in checking the hotel than the occupants of projectile bathtubs, but that wouldn’t last.
Oh, well I guess he didn't.
Glory ran from the Exchange, ducking and yipping as bullets pinged around her. “Blackjack, I…” She stared at P-21. “You! You’re…” Then she looked at the collar around my neck. “Blackjack… what...” She sat down hard, looking on the verge of tears. “What’s going on here?”
“We’ll get to that in a second, Glory.”
This seems like a situation that calls for shooshpaps. Sadly, there's no time for shooshpaps.
The mare was dragged along behind the Reaper till the razor wire tore through her neck and sent her head bouncing across the floor.
Good visual.
Unfortunately, the luck ended when the edge of the fire axe caught in his spine and I couldn’t pull it free.
(Relevant portion starts at 3:07)
Her face looked as if it’d been covered with synthetic strawberry jam, only red.
Okay. That line is just hilarious.
For whatever reason my question made her look sad. “Trust me. I’m really hard to kill,”
Already doing setup. Nice. Or did that plot line start this chapter?
“Glory!” I said as I stepped between them. She started to shake as I put my hoof on her shoulder. “You heard the recording. You know what I did to him.”
She gave a tiny hiccup as her mouth worked. “But… Blackjack…” she whimpered.
“I wronged him, Glory. You know that.” She shook even more as she clenched her eyes shut and I gave her a hug. “I’m sorry, Glory.”
And now we get the shooshpaps. So much emotion!
[Rampage:] “Pfffft. Who’s afraid of that doofus?” she said with a snort, looking over her shoulder as she walked to the spider robot.
That's (possibly, but I'm going with it) some sweet foreshadowing right there.
“Hello, Madam. What is your chem potion of choice?” the spider robot asked as Rampage put both hooves on the bar top. Her grin definitely made my mane crawl.
“Everything,” she said with chilling eagerness.
. . . nopony wanted to hang around Rampage as the robot pushed its needles into her limbs and she started giggling wildly. P-21 lead the way up the stairs as her giggles became hysterical laughter.
I forget: do we ever see medicine cabinet Rampage again? (I figure we don't even really see her (in action) here, but that has to be as good as drunk or Reaper Blackjack!)
Bad as it might be for Glory, I could live with defending myself to her death.
Another fun line.
Mini looked at me with a small smile. “It’s okay. We were trying to kill you. I mean, it’s only fair.” Somehow that made me feel even worse as the trapped mare gently stroked her sibling’s mane. “It’s okay, Gem. It doesn’t hurt at all.”
And they're back!
I had thought that I’d heard Deus scream before. I was wrong. Rearing up on his hind legs, the flayed Reaper’s mechanical mouth gaped, forcing a shattered jaw to stretch impossibly wide. An articulated metal windpipe released that horrible noise as flaps of skin dangled from him. Broken pieces of skull clung to an armored sphere that was still horribly attached to his mechanical spine. The bilious fluids pouring from the tubes along his throat and chest oozed and steamed in the rain. And he still wasn’t dead.
Great description, that.
Mini just laughed softly. “You’re a good pony, Miss Blackjack.” I felt a second unicorn’s magic on the gun.
One last gunshot sounded out across Flank.
The bridge was a nice parallel to this. Was that intentional? I could see it either way, just because after ~1.1 megawords there are bound to be some events that rhyme, even if they weren't really meant to.
“Congratulations. You’re a Reaper now. If you want it.” Even with the rain, the striped pony looked like she’d been put through a meat grinder. I couldn’t think of how many she’d killed below. I didn’t want to care about ponies trying to kill me any more. I just wanted to burn that part out of me.
This juxtaposition between Rampage's lines and Blackjack's thoughts, complemented by her own conception of what it is to be a Reaper and, for instance, Yellow River is really something.
“Fuck, I hate this maudlin shit.” She stood. “I’m going to go wait for 69 to open. I need... something... bad.”
Not a bad cover. But now that we know what "something" is. . .
Words I learned: judder, cinder block (the type made of cement and coal, not concrete).
- Chapter 16 editing:
Symmetrical spacing around dashes.
and his detonator and just cackled. “Oh don’t be stupid.
Only one space after the first period.
I said as I wiped my tears, still hiccoughing with the occasional laugh.
U-21 had decayed into a hiccoughing fit,
He hiccoughed and choked, blood dripping out of his mouth as I knelt and held him upright.
These should be "hiccuping" and "hiccuped": everywhere else you use that spelling, including one instance in this chapter.
Maybe it was the rush I was feeling from seeing P-21 again. Could have been that a few hours ago I
Only one space after the period.
cheating them of their hopes and dreams.” I stomped a hoof,
Only one space after the period.
my eyes wide and staring. Oh, if only I had some rad poisoning right now
Only one space after the period.
Bottlecap, and potentially every foal and filly you pass might want to put a bullet in you.
Should that be "colt and filly"? Foals might be too young even in the Wasteland. But if this is slipping in some (accidental?) sexism, that's pretty clever.
Fellow Reaper? Actually wants me alive for her own plot
Only one space after the question mark.
“‘Cause I have!
Needs closing quotation mark.
But what’s really funny to me…. Really really funny… is that P-21 would put a bomb on me and hand you the button.
There should only be three dots in the first ellipsis, and the first "really" probably shouldn't be capitalized, as these ellipses seem to be punctuation internal to the sentence, not actually separating sentences.
If not, then there should be a second space after the first ellipsis and the "is" should be capitalized.
‘Cause if there’s going to be any pony in all of Equestria --in all the bloody fucked-up world!-- that has a Goddess-given right to blow my head off, it would be him!
Symmetrical spacing around the dashes. (I love the exclamation-inside-dashes, by the way; I think it (and its twin, the question-inside-dashes) could stand to see more use.)
Now, normally I don't care so much about this, but I think there should be a comma between "bloody" and "fucked-up"; as it is, it looks (to me) like she's British and using "bloody" as an adverb modifying "fucked-up," rather than both as adjectives modifying "world."
shaking his head. He looked…
I levitated one cup over to U-21. “Here.
my mane vigorously in annoyance. “Probably a fruit basket full of Dash,”
Only one space after the (first) period.
It might be Deus’ ponies.
"Deus's"
Who are you? Are you with Deus?
Only one space after first question mark.
Should have…he ambushed me!
Need space after ellipsis.
“She doesn’t learn-“
Second hyphen for dash.
the missile launcher in his jaw. The tub rocketed through the door of the room a floor below,
Only one space after the period.
I panted in time with my blue friend, our eyes staring into each others’,
"each other's"
glowing magical bullets into his face. As he went down,
he brought a sawed-off shotgun to bear. My barding took the slugs with a
Only one space after the period.
The other buck shot her in the head at point blank with a shotgun.
Should this be "head point blank" or "head at point blank range" instead?
The small pegasus didn’t look too much the worse for wear, and she drank a healing potion then passed me one.
I think there should be a comma after "potion"; as a standalone sentence, I'm pretty sure "She drank a healing potion then passed me one." would be incorrect.
and shells and the occasional chem potion. Or weak healing potion.
Only one space after the first period.
“You… won’t? What… P-21! What are you talking about? Stop messing around.”
The "What... P-21!" feels like it might be two separate sentences (unlike "You... won't"), and if that's the case, there should be a second space after the ellipsis following "what."
The stairs led up to the third floor, which was apparently a flophouse for ponies looking to sleep off the after-effects of their benders.
"Aftereffects" is one word.
Luuuunaaa…. I’m gonna go see Luuuunaaa…
There should be only three dots on that first one.
showing the rusting steel and crumbling cinderblock underneath.
"cinder block" is two words.
I could have screamed with how effortlessly he did it!
Perhaps "screamed at"?
They showed four ponies standing before an large audience on a magnificent stage.
"a large audience"
There’s got to be better things to bomb.
I know this is from a message quotation, but I imagine Octavia would have got the subject-verb agreement of "There[ have] got to be better things" to bomb, at least under the more common fanon for her.
The cello --or maybe it was a double bass, I couldn’t tell-- rested comfortably in its frame
Symmetrical spacing around the dashes.
We were barely able to scramble up the slippery slope to reach the fifth floor, and only then with me shoving P-21’s rump up towards the top.
May read better with "only" and "then" reversed, or something. Maybe "only with . . . top at that"? Ugh. I hate getting these subtle, hard-to-identify feelings of wrongness; it makes me feel like I might just be imagining things.
I couldn’t tell if the shooters were Pecos or Deus’ ponies; I supposed it didn’t matter.
"Deus's"
and, better yet, it’d protect us from Taurus’... damn, why had he stopped shooting?
"Taurus's"
I jumped into S.A.T.S. in mid fall and sent two telekinetic bullets into the pegasus’ head, but the magic was ineffective against its helmet.
"pegasus's"
so I pinned it beneath some rubble. Here was one of the Enclave
Three spaces after the period.
“Blackjack, stop.” P-21 said calmly beside me.
The period in the quotation should be a comma.
You left your family; just like her.
Possible semicolon to comma?
I really hoped I’d taken those lethal energy guns out of commission. “Off on your own selfish crusade
Only one space after the period.
Dusk shouted, pointing a hoof at P-21 and myself.
"P-21 and me."
Of course, that would mean I’d have to hit them twice...but it was the only thing I could do.
Space needed after ellipsis.
Damn me...it felt good.
Space needed after ellipsis.
“Gem! No” I screamed as she went solid,
Second space needed after "Gem!" and punctuation (probably another exclamation point) needed after "No."
One red eye-camera focused right on me, and he pointed his canons at my prostrate form.
"cannons" (unless he's doing something other than what I think he's doing)
Both all right… No.
Need second space after ellipsis.
‘Pull the trigger. Pull the trigger.
Three spaces after the first "trigger."
I still want to… a little. And I don’t think
Only one space after the period.
he said as he bowed his head. Then he looked
Only one space after period.
- Other editing:
"Cinder block" is two words.
New perk added: Finesse- Your attacks show a lot of finesse...or maybe it’s just dumb luck. Either way, you have a higher chance to score a critical hit.
Symmetrical spacing around dash, need space after ellipsis.
27: It was like seeing a cinderblock in a dress uniform, and his perspiration was already starting to show through.
"Cinder block" is two words.
43: It was lined with cinderblocks and had rusted hunks of machinery around it.
"Cinder blocks" is two words.
I pressed my back to the cinderblock wall, watching them approach... taking in their weapons.
"Cinder block" is two words.
45: I closed my eyes, resting my head against the cool, moist cinderblock.
"Cinder block" is two words.
46: The hall was made of gray cinderblock and ran straight ahead.
"Cinder block" is two words.
“Help me!” she screamed as the boots yanked her to her hooves and send her galloping straight at a solid cinderblock wall!
"Cinder block" is two words.
47: “She might banish you from Equestria. Or throw you in a dungeon. Or banish you and then throw you in a dungeon in the place that she banishes you to!”
Only one space after each period.
Only the fact she wore plate armor kept her intact as she tore through the cinderblock.
"Cinder block" is two words.
57: “I can't believe we're finally here. With all that we've imagined, the reality of this night is sure to make this... The Best Night Ever!”
Only one space after the period.
The Society’s jail was a cinderblock-walled storage shed built into the side of a hill.
Cinderblock is two words, so in addition to splitting it the hyphen should be replaced by an en-dash (i.e. "cinder block–walled").
His fist smashed right through the cinderblock wall.
"Cinder block" is two words.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Derpmind Mon Jul 22, 2013 7:04 pm
So for those who don't follow the general chat thread, I think it's important to mark this important occasion here.
Fallout: Equestria is now on Fimfiction.
Fallout: Equestria is now on Fimfiction.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by RoboRed Mon Jul 22, 2013 8:59 pm
Yep. It's happening.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Caoimhe Mon Jul 22, 2013 9:15 pm
Good enough of a reason to read it again.
Or rather after more chapters are posted after the initial boring "weird little nerd instantly becomes killing machine" arc that is the first couple chapters of FoE.
Or rather after more chapters are posted after the initial boring "weird little nerd instantly becomes killing machine" arc that is the first couple chapters of FoE.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by ARoundCorner Tue Jul 23, 2013 1:15 am
"In addition, I am aware of the heated opinions surrounding this story. I will be policing the comments section. Posts that are rude or hostile will be deleted; trolls and members of hate-groups will be blocked. My goal with the comments section would be to create a friendly, hospitable atmosphere for people to discuss the story."
I didn't know people still hated the (probably) biggest MLP Fanfic in existence, or is Kkat just writing this as a precaution. I can just imagine all the people sending hate mail because they don't like it. Haha.
Now that this is FIMfiction, I can have all my fanfic in one place! High-five anyone?
I didn't know people still hated the (probably) biggest MLP Fanfic in existence, or is Kkat just writing this as a precaution. I can just imagine all the people sending hate mail because they don't like it. Haha.
Now that this is FIMfiction, I can have all my fanfic in one place! High-five anyone?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Luminous Lead Tue Jul 23, 2013 4:33 am
ARoundCorner wrote:"In addition, I am aware of the heated opinions surrounding this story. I will be policing the comments section. Posts that are rude or hostile will be deleted; trolls and members of hate-groups will be blocked. My goal with the comments section would be to create a friendly, hospitable atmosphere for people to discuss the story."
I didn't know people still hated the (probably) biggest MLP Fanfic in existence, or is Kkat just writing this as a precaution. I can just imagine all the people sending hate mail because they don't like it. Haha.
Now that this is FIMfiction, I can have all my fanfic in one place! High-five anyone?
You're thinking original FOE. I believe PH is still very much a G-Docs thing.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Valikdu Tue Jul 23, 2013 11:16 am
You know what's great about somehow not reading both of the previous chapters and the comment thread? The fact that I was able to do so now, all at once.
And it was awesome.
Well, the chapters were awesome. Some of the sections of the comments, not so much. Not going to point fingers at anyone, since it's been weeks, but still... I am kind of disappoint.
On the other note: hey, Swicked brought LMR back!
And it was awesome.
Well, the chapters were awesome. Some of the sections of the comments, not so much. Not going to point fingers at anyone, since it's been weeks, but still... I am kind of disappoint.
On the other note: hey, Swicked brought LMR back!
You know, there's a reason for one of the names for this pairing being "Black Lance".swicked wrote:
- swicked's chapter 57 commentary:
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by ARoundCorner Tue Jul 23, 2013 8:59 pm
@Black Lance
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Tue Jul 23, 2013 11:17 pm
...I hadn't heard that name before. Huh. :)
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![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 27 Giggidy](https://2img.net/h/jameshanley.ie/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/Giggidy.jpg)
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Wed Jul 24, 2013 12:04 am
O. Hinds wrote:...I hadn't heard that name before. Huh. :)
(Emphasis in original)Icy Shake wrote:Blancer? BlackJancer? LanceJack? BlackLance? I'm afraid I won't be the one to save the internet from your disappointment.Downloaded Skill wrote:And so the crack ship of Lancer and BJ has set sail. If there isn't a portmanteau'ed couple name like Gloryjack by the end of the week I'll be disappointed in the Internet.
“With... your body... and the thoughts you’re trying to put inside my head! Desist! Now!”
I guess it made more of an impression than I expected (that is to say, any), though of course any real success must be in the judgment of Downloaded Skill.
- Shameless Punnery:
- I guess you could say Black Lance has penetrated the market.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by thatguyvex Wed Jul 24, 2013 2:52 am
Icy Shake wrote:
- Shameless Punnery:
![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 27 3845856932](https://2img.net/u/2516/12/35/12/smiles/3845856932.png)
As a result its stock has grown enormous.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Wed Jul 24, 2013 2:12 pm
Ah, my apologies for forgetting.Icy Shake wrote:O. Hinds wrote:...I hadn't heard that name before. Huh. :)(Emphasis in original)Icy Shake wrote:Blancer? BlackJancer? LanceJack? BlackLance? I'm afraid I won't be the one to save the internet from your disappointment.Downloaded Skill wrote:And so the crack ship of Lancer and BJ has set sail. If there isn't a portmanteau'ed couple name like Gloryjack by the end of the week I'll be disappointed in the Internet.
“With... your body... and the thoughts you’re trying to put inside my head! Desist! Now!”
I guess it made more of an impression than I expected (that is to say, any), though of course any real success must be in the judgment of Downloaded Skill.
- Shameless Punnery:
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by ARoundCorner Wed Jul 24, 2013 6:59 pm
Saw Batman... thought of Project Horizens...
The Black Lance Rises
The Black Lance Rises
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