Sister forum[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Tue Apr 30, 2013 5:16 pm
My [boss's sister] . . .
And reading later on, it seemed possible that Goldenblood and Eclipse went into a room that Luna was already in, and Eclipse never said anything, even after Celestia left, despite being told by Goldenblood that Luna wanted her there.
So, possible, but unlikely.
And reading later on, it seemed possible that Goldenblood and Eclipse went into a room that Luna was already in, and Eclipse never said anything, even after Celestia left, despite being told by Goldenblood that Luna wanted her there.
So, possible, but unlikely.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Ketchup Tue Apr 30, 2013 5:18 pm
She could be a projection of some sort. I found that to be rather curious myself.Icy Shake wrote:My [boss's sister] . . .
And reading later on, it seemed possible that Goldenblood and Eclipse went into a room that Luna was already in, and Eclipse never said anything, even after Celestia left, despite being told Luna wanted her there by Goldenblood.
So, possible, but unlikely.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Stringtheory Tue Apr 30, 2013 5:25 pm
Then how was she with Goldenblood at Horse's presentation? Are there projectors set up all over Equestria? Plus how was she able to put on Horse's brain scan thingie anyhow if she was a projection. Oh, another thing which I realized, perhaps the reason why the Crusader 1.2 overloaded when 'Eclipse' put on the brain scanner was that it couldn't handle a alicorn's mind, with all those other minds that had just been scanned in, is an alicorn's mind any different from a mortal's mind anyway? Or perhaps Horse just makes terrible technology.Ketchup wrote:She could be a projection of some sort. I found that to be rather curious myself.Icy Shake wrote:My [boss's sister] . . .
And reading later on, it seemed possible that Goldenblood and Eclipse went into a room that Luna was already in, and Eclipse never said anything, even after Celestia left, despite being told Luna wanted her there by Goldenblood.
So, possible, but unlikely.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Ketchup Tue Apr 30, 2013 5:27 pm
This probably wouldn't satisfy, but...stringtheory wrote:Then how was she with Goldenblood at Horse's presentation? Are there projectors set up all over Equestria? Plus how was she able to put on Horse's brain scan thingie anyhow if she was a projection. Oh, another thing which I realized, perhaps the reason why the Crusader 1.2 overloaded when 'Eclipse' put on the brain scanner was that it couldn't handle a alicorn's mind, with all those other minds that had just been scanned in, is an alicorn's mind any different from a mortal's mind anyway? Or perhaps Horse just makes terrible technology.Ketchup wrote:She could be a projection of some sort. I found that to be rather curious myself.Icy Shake wrote:My [boss's sister] . . .
And reading later on, it seemed possible that Goldenblood and Eclipse went into a room that Luna was already in, and Eclipse never said anything, even after Celestia left, despite being told Luna wanted her there by Goldenblood.
So, possible, but unlikely.
Magic. Luna may be able to do it with magic.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Caoimhe Tue Apr 30, 2013 5:50 pm
O. Hinds wrote:Ah, thank you. "the Neighvarro" doesn't sound off to me, though, sorry. I've also not put in the "nor any weapons but" comma, as that would result in a sentence fragment. I also, for various reasons, don't think that the issue of Awesome's descent is a problem.SilentCarto wrote:Well, I can't stay up until forever tonight reading PH, so this is gonna be a two-parter.
- Ch. 55 Comments, part 1:
"Awesomeness"! XD And no, I did not miss the fact that her initials are "AAA".
There's another organization whose initials are AAA, but I doubt Grace will be sending out any tow trucks anytime soon.Well, I'm flummoxed...There was just something frustratingly familiar about her, but I knew I’d never met her before.Cue the Sarcastic Clapping Family sketch!what, were derisive gestures a family trait or something?Oh, I definitely like her!“There isn’t one,” Charm said with a shrug and a happy smile.
...which makes me suspicous that she's the evil mastermind of the group. *sigh*Okay, Grace just gained about ten points in my book. She's now residing under "tough, but fair". Let's see how long that holds.“What?! There is a difference between a pony starving and a pony forced to sign or die!” Grace snapped. “Do you mean you knew about this, Splendid? Does father?”I'll be honest, at this point I had to go take a shower and think out my own feelings on the subject. (Not that I have to shower to think, I just needed one anyway and it was a convenient time.)“Because you can and I can’t!” he shouted in my face, tears running down his cheeks in frustration. “Because you have the power to do this and I don’t! You do the audacious and the impossible every single day and I know that if you wanted to change all this, you could!” He closed his eyes, shaking as if on the verge of breaking. “You do so much... do this...”
On one hoof, you can't be expected to fix the entire world at once. For all that they run on slave labor, this is a stable and nonaggressive group. If you have to accept slavery somewhere for a while, this is definitely the place to do it.
On the other hoof, what do you say to the mare whose husband was whipped to death the day after you left? Until the serfs can bring charges against a Society pony for abuse or failure to uphold their end of the contract, every day it stands is an injustice.
On the gripping hoof, this is really an issue of hearts and minds that can't be solved with a 12.7mm hole. You can force the Society to release all the slaves at gunpoint, but it doesn't change the fact that they believe slavery -- or "serfdom" or whatever they want to call it -- is fair and just. It takes time to change that. A lot of time. Charm may be a step in the right direction, but she might just be in her rebellious teenager phase. The main problem is the Society's perceived superiority. If they each had to rotate through the serfs' jobs and living conditions, they might have more empathy and dedication to the good of all...Loyalty mission!But I also knew that P-21 needed this, just as much as I needed to find Horizons. It didn’t matter what I was here for; he needed something else from this place. A chance to make up for 99.Don't split the party! Don't split the party!Then I’ll take your friends somewhere they can freshen up while you’re our guests.Everything you see exists together in a delicate balance. As princess, you need to understand that balance and respect all the creatures -- from the crawling ant, to the leaping antelope...Being a princess is more than simply getting what you want.I'm going to assume that's Mouse rather than Spike.A much clearer picture showed a metal stand and a large purple and green dragon blasting a black pony silhouette with green flames. ‘Traitor executed for crimes against Equestria.’Huh. Probably should have seen that coming.“Thank you, Emerald. Give your sisters my regards and thanks.”
...aw, shit.
I looked around and spotted a black earth pony mare lying in a heap with a bloody knife embedded in her neck. Another one of my old bosses, Onyx.
Fuck you, Garnet.I'll have to remember that comment.Evil is when we rationalize the wrongness we do to others.Granted. Still, if they were really being fair about this, the workers could cancel their contracts at any time.The distinction between slave and serf may not seem like much to you, but it’s the difference between raiding settlements, slapping bomb collars on prisoners, and working them to death and accepting volunteers, giving them safety and food, and working them for half the day.Ohhh hell. I think Splendid and Grace are very much going to dislike Awesome's surprise announcement of his new choice of heir at the Gala tomorrow. (There's a slim chance that Charm might be down with it.)“I think that I’ve been King of the Society long enough to appreciate what little distinctions we can have. But perhaps a better pony might improve things. Who can say?”Huh... so that would make him... BJ's third cousin, eight times removed. Um... I don't think he's quite that old. I'll stick that in the editing section. (And Splendid is her fourth cousin, seven times removed.)Other parts, like him claiming to be the great grandson of Shining Armor, Twilight Sparkle’s brother and the entitled heir to the Crystal Empire, seemed too farfetched even for the Wasteland.Wow, that's like... two direct New Vegas quote references in one sentence. Well done!“If you’re going to be anything in the Wasteland, why not be a king? And if you’re going to be a king, you better be a fucking awesome king.” Hence the name.
[spoilers=For those who don't remember]
"The Kings are about an idea, you see? Where every man is free to follow his own path, do his own thing. Where every man is a king in his own right." -The King
"NCR tries to put their stake in everything they see. Nobody's dick's that long -- not even Long Dick Johnson, and he had a fucking long dick. Thus the name." -Cass
[/spoilers]That's not the way Keeper told it.In that time, I’d learned that he’d approved of Sky Striker’s marriage to Dawn, as any stallion who would ride a flaming dragon from on high had to be a decent protector, but had wanted them to stay in Elysium.
"Got ugly. Awesome called her a whore. Big Daddy beat the snot out of him."
Guess whose version I trust more.
- Editing, part 1:
The "even, even" structure also sounds off to my ear. I'd suggest breaking that sentence:
"But I saw High General Harbinger in a meeting, and he was ready, even eager to attack. Even with the possibility of the bioweapon."Don't you mean "into"?Rampage frowned at me. "Did that bullet knock some extra smarts out of your brain, Blackjack?"I feel this should read, "and still have it actually sound possible.""Only you could say something like that with utter sincerity and still have it sound actually possible."Tension.Yet there was a tenseness beneath it all that bordered on snippy.The repetition of "ponies" sounds weird. I'd say "three armed guards" or something like that. And wretched-looking should be hyphenated.We drove by a small caravan of three armed ponies escorting a dozen wretched looking ponies, but when the armed trio saw me atop Deus they immediately broke for the woods.nor any weapons, butShe also wore neither barding nor any weapons but an elegant dress that wouldn’t have lasted ten minutes past this gate.She had Vigilance a second ago...Glory was already unarmed, and she shrugged."perhaps a half-dozen" or "perhaps half a dozen"The Society ponies were almost exclusively unicorns, with perhaps a half dozen well-dressed earth ponies talking amongst themselves.wrong, though.Still felt wrong though.new government,' read the caption.‘Goldenblood assumes minor role in Princess’s new government’ read the caption.The scream associated with starmetal has always been described as psychic in nature, rather than a sound that could be recorded by microphones or even the sensory impressions in a memory orb. It's conceivable that the starmetal is physically resonating at that frequency in this particular device, but if the pinging noise is Horse's "hammer", it specifically didn't make any audible noise when Goldie complained about the sound in the Goldie/Horse memory orb.There was a ping, and for several seconds a long low tone rang out.
There was a ping, and another long tone filled the air.
There was another ping and long screaming note.Mother should be capitalized.I was more striped than any pony before the war, and when mother died, I didn’t want to come back.I think this should be "wrongs".Evil is when we rationalize the wrongness we do to others.I kinda think that should be, "I replied, though I didn't have a clue"“You let me worry about that. I know a filly who owes me a fancy dress or two,” I replied, not having a clue as to what I’d actually do at a party.I'd just like to point something out here.Other parts, like him claiming to be the great grandson of Shining Armor, Twilight Sparkle’s brother and the entitled heir to the Crystal Empire, seemed too farfetched even for the Wasteland.
Compare Shining's family tree:
-Shining Armor
-Child
-Grandchild
-King Awesome
to Twilight's:
-Twilight Sparkle
-Tarot
-Little Poker
-Full House
-52 Pick-up
-Straight Flush
-Aces
-Royal Flush
-Bridge
-Hearts
-Gin Rummy
-Blackjack
I'm not saying that's positively wrong. Maybe the half-alicorn blood made Shining and Cadence's child remarkably long-lived, or maybe the Crystal Empire went Brigadoon for another century or so when the bombs started falling. I just want to make sure you intended to imply what you're implying here.
Totally off topic -- can I just say that I think it's sort of awesome that the crystal ponies missed the entire Nightmare Moon millennium?
I've relayed the scream matter to Somber. (I'm also mentioning the mismatching stories matter, just in case that wasn't deliberate.)
The demonym of Monte Carlo is "Monte Carlian" so residents of Neighvarro might be Neighvarran/Neighvarrans.
Though residents of Monaco are Monaganese, but Morocco has Moroccans so I guess Neighvarrans works.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Stringtheory Tue Apr 30, 2013 5:54 pm
Ketchup wrote:This probably wouldn't satisfy, but...stringtheory wrote:Then how was she with Goldenblood at Horse's presentation? Are there projectors set up all over Equestria? Plus how was she able to put on Horse's brain scan thingie anyhow if she was a projection. Oh, another thing which I realized, perhaps the reason why the Crusader 1.2 overloaded when 'Eclipse' put on the brain scanner was that it couldn't handle a alicorn's mind, with all those other minds that had just been scanned in, is an alicorn's mind any different from a mortal's mind anyway? Or perhaps Horse just makes terrible technology.Ketchup wrote:She could be a projection of some sort. I found that to be rather curious myself.Icy Shake wrote:My [boss's sister] . . .
And reading later on, it seemed possible that Goldenblood and Eclipse went into a room that Luna was already in, and Eclipse never said anything, even after Celestia left, despite being told Luna wanted her there by Goldenblood.
So, possible, but unlikely.
Magic. Luna may be able to do it with magic.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Moodyman90 Tue Apr 30, 2013 6:01 pm
Well, although we haven't seen any evidence of it it could be that Luna could cast a spell that could make a physical projection of a pony to follow others and gather information.
Or she's doing her own for of mind manipulation using her ability to enter ponies dreams and putting Eclipse where she wasn't.
As for a crazy theory, Eclipse is actually Luna's secret daughter.
Or she's doing her own for of mind manipulation using her ability to enter ponies dreams and putting Eclipse where she wasn't.
As for a crazy theory, Eclipse is actually Luna's secret daughter.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Valikdu Tue Apr 30, 2013 6:01 pm
Well, we know that *Nightmare Moon* could either create projections, or outright split herself into several entities.
Either it's Luna's ability too, or... well, "stress was getting to her" (c).
Either it's Luna's ability too, or... well, "stress was getting to her" (c).
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Harmony Ltd. Tue Apr 30, 2013 6:04 pm
I personally am of the opinion that one of Luna's powers is shapeshifting / illusion. Which is supported to some extent canonically by the Nightmare Night episode (her magically altering her appearance to look as Nightmare Moon). Edit : what Valikdu said, too.
As for the rest, I could very well be advanced illusion / evocation magic, projecting some form of tangible hologram.
As for the rest, I could very well be advanced illusion / evocation magic, projecting some form of tangible hologram.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by nebulous Tue Apr 30, 2013 7:34 pm
When I finished this chapter, my first thought was that that the writing was damn beautiful. Somber, editors, you rock.
I keep intending to do a comment as you go thingy, but keep forgetting in the excitement of !!new chapter!!. Some day...
So they're trying to get Fancy Pants' airship to stop Lighthooves at Thunderhead, eh? I'd always imagined they'd get to Thunderhead by climbing Shadowbolt Tower from the ground up, a la the Cathedral of Syndentic Ascention in Problem Sleuth. But that would involve going into the Core first, which would be too climactic too soon.
If Shining Armor's child (Princess Skyla?) was a mare, and said child's child was also a mare, and they both had access to some good medical equipment, and stored some of their eggs early on and each had a kid via IVF and a surrogate at age 60, then if Skyla was born in Equestria's last year that would mean 120 years would pass until King Awesome was born and he'd be 80 in the present.
Welp, now it's confirmed that Cognitum overrode Dawn's will. I didn't expect to be fine with this, but I am. Now rather than being about Dawn's choices and trying to find the good that's left in her equinity and appealing to it, Dawn's story is about what happens when someone is edited/controlled and it forms an interesting parallel with Blackjack (plus Lacunae and the alicorns in general) and the Goddess. Maybe I'm fine with this direction because I came to see how it can be rich material for a story in itself, rather than the Dawn went berserk willingly / Cognitum assumed direct control question being a dichotomy between dealing with complicated Dawn psychology or dealing with a buggy computer program.
I keep intending to do a comment as you go thingy, but keep forgetting in the excitement of !!new chapter!!. Some day...
So they're trying to get Fancy Pants' airship to stop Lighthooves at Thunderhead, eh? I'd always imagined they'd get to Thunderhead by climbing Shadowbolt Tower from the ground up, a la the Cathedral of Syndentic Ascention in Problem Sleuth. But that would involve going into the Core first, which would be too climactic too soon.
If Shining Armor's child (Princess Skyla?) was a mare, and said child's child was also a mare, and they both had access to some good medical equipment, and stored some of their eggs early on and each had a kid via IVF and a surrogate at age 60, then if Skyla was born in Equestria's last year that would mean 120 years would pass until King Awesome was born and he'd be 80 in the present.
Welp, now it's confirmed that Cognitum overrode Dawn's will. I didn't expect to be fine with this, but I am. Now rather than being about Dawn's choices and trying to find the good that's left in her equinity and appealing to it, Dawn's story is about what happens when someone is edited/controlled and it forms an interesting parallel with Blackjack (plus Lacunae and the alicorns in general) and the Goddess. Maybe I'm fine with this direction because I came to see how it can be rich material for a story in itself, rather than the Dawn went berserk willingly / Cognitum assumed direct control question being a dichotomy between dealing with complicated Dawn psychology or dealing with a buggy computer program.
Last edited by nebulous on Tue Apr 30, 2013 7:43 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Stringtheory Tue Apr 30, 2013 7:39 pm
I think King Awesome either forgot to add in a couple of 'greats' there, or was simply making shit up, remember, we haven't even heard of Shining Armor yet, though I guess he was off ruiling the Crystal Empire with Cadencenebulous wrote:If Shining Armor's child (Princess Skyla?) was a mare, and said child's child was also a mare, and they both had access to some good medical equipment, and stored some of their eggs early on and each had a kid via IVF and a surrogate at age 60, then if Skyla was born in Equestria's last year that would mean 120 years would pass until King Awesome was born and he'd be 80 in the present.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Harmony Ltd. Tue Apr 30, 2013 7:44 pm
Twilight made a reference in one of the memory orbs about "Cadence having yet another foal".
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Tue Apr 30, 2013 7:49 pm
Right, but she didn't say "yet another foal with my brother." Or even ". . . with Shining Armor." And might be an earth pony for all we know.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Harmony Ltd. Tue Apr 30, 2013 7:53 pm
She's still an alicorn. Got the wings and the horn.
And given there's a direct reference to Cadence AND the Crystal Empire (that mare in the tokomare), I guess it's pretty safe to assume that Shining Armor is also canon in PH.
I mean, especially given someone made a direct reference to him.
And given there's a direct reference to Cadence AND the Crystal Empire (that mare in the tokomare), I guess it's pretty safe to assume that Shining Armor is also canon in PH.
I mean, especially given someone made a direct reference to him.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Tue Apr 30, 2013 7:55 pm
We've never seen her, and her physiology has never been mentioned. We know that either she is not an alicorn, or she has been an alicorn longer than Luna, or Twilight has somehow forgotten about her being an alicorn.
The Crystal Empire does not depend on either Shining Armor's existence or Cadence's alicornhood.
The Crystal Empire does not depend on either Shining Armor's existence or Cadence's alicornhood.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Harmony Ltd. Tue Apr 30, 2013 7:57 pm
Don't take it wrong, I see your point, but this seem a bit contorted just to be able to preserve "continuity" with the original FoE.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by nebulous Tue Apr 30, 2013 9:41 pm
Even if she keeps her in-show appearance, she could just be a freaky winged unicorn.Harmony Ltd. wrote:She's still an alicorn. Got the wings and the horn.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Overthepacific Tue Apr 30, 2013 9:56 pm
Harmony Ltd. wrote:Don't take it wrong, I see your point, but this seem a bit contorted just to be able to preserve "continuity" with the original FoE.
Well, that is kind of the template everyone has to go off of. That alternate reality never actually mentioned the two or the crystal empire, and considering that in the FoE continuity Twilight went her entire life without becoming a princess, its safe to say that FoE sidefics should probably take more from the points where the original left off instead of the actual show from a certain point.
So going with an alternate Cadence isnt that much of a far cry.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Tue Apr 30, 2013 10:04 pm
^This. It's also worth noting that adding two non-alicorns who can cast city-scale shield spells arguably undercuts a major plot point in both FoE and PH.
- A Modest Proposal:
- On an unrelated note, I forgot to say in my chapter notes that Blackjack's upgrade makes her a Cyber Mutant Zombie (hemidemisemi-) Alicorn Monarch (unless I'm forgetting something). So obviously Somber needs to rend his garments and cover himself in sackcloth and ashes to repent for his now-even-more ludicrous Mary Sue OC.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by thatguyvex Wed May 01, 2013 3:20 am
So, normally I just lurk around here and read the comments, but as I have this little sliver of a question in my brain that I can't seem to find the answer to on my own I thought I'd register just for the sole purpose of asking you fine folk. Its kind of a random question and doesn't pertain to anything of actual importance, but does anyone happen to know what the general eye/mane/coat color of the Enclave pegasus Sunset who died in Ch.54? For some reason that completely tertiary character has been on my mind a lot, and its been bugging the heck out of me that I can't seem to find a description of her anywhere in the previous chapters.
So, uh... yeah, that's the entire reason I spent five minutes registering to the site. Wish I had something substantial to say about Ch.55 but my brain is still sort of processing it all so my comments there would probably amount to "I like Grace. Boo and Scotch Tape having a food fight was cute. Fight scene with Dawn was intense. Ending genuinely surprised the crap out of me."
So, uh... yeah, that's the entire reason I spent five minutes registering to the site. Wish I had something substantial to say about Ch.55 but my brain is still sort of processing it all so my comments there would probably amount to "I like Grace. Boo and Scotch Tape having a food fight was cute. Fight scene with Dawn was intense. Ending genuinely surprised the crap out of me."
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by WavemasterRyx Wed May 01, 2013 6:46 am
Again, my deepest thanks to Somber, Hinds, and Bronode. You all put so much work into this story, and I really appreciate it. *hugs each of you gently*
And Somber, I do very much hope things get better for you soon. Just try to remember, we're here for you if there's ever any way we can help.
Actually, I just checked Chapter 42, and she does remove her helmet. She has a rust-colored coat, and an orange-and-yellow striped mane. And Chapter 52 has her with red eyes. I do hope that helps.
And Somber, I do very much hope things get better for you soon. Just try to remember, we're here for you if there's ever any way we can help.
- Chapter 55 Commentary:
I thought it was a nice touch for Blackjack to pull down the dead pony down from the wall.
Her wanting to know more about the lightning rods is interesting, in that it still projects something of a "not very Blackjack" feeling. Not in a bad way certainly, just something of a surprise.
As I said before, the portion of this chapter between Blackjack, Lacunae and the Goddess is rather deeply saddening. Losing control of your own body is one of those things that's just terrifying, even more so than losing your sense of self as Glory did.
It's a very painful piece to the chapter, especially with the image of Lacunae crying because Blackjack can't.
As also said before, the banter at the gate to Elysium Gardens is quite amusing, and very welcome after the previous scene with the Goddess.
That poor guard though, he is so dumb...
Even for being a filly, there's just something about Princess Charm that sets my nerves on edge... like she's going to cause some huge problems or something. I'm probably entirely wrong though, as usual.
The scene with P-21 and Blackjack yelling at each other in the bathroom is fantastic. Both of them feel very passionately and want to do what's right, it's well done.
Scotch's comment after of, "Yup, this is the mare you're all terrified of. Fear for your commodes!" is quite adorable too.
I find it quite hard to believe the ponies in the hall didn't hear their conversation though, heh. Either that, or I need to find the ponies who built the garden and hire them... cause I want my bathrooms with tippy-top sound proofing like that.
I'll give Awesome credit, he certainly knows how to get Blackjack's attention.
Of course it's interesting Goldenblood was executed by dragon, and leads into the whole argument of whether or not dragon fire always teleports the subject away, which I certainly hope doesn't get out of hand.
I could have sworn Goldenblood was going to be executed the day the bombs fell though, not the day before... Probably just an error in my memory though.
Goldenblood's use of the starmetal as medicine is quite interesting, and opens up another big avenue of speculation.
"Evil is when we rationalize the wrongs we do to others." - A very true statement...
It's interesting just how quickly of a relationship Blackjack and Awesome build. Sharing such an uncommon interest for the Wasteland, I can't really blame them though. Also quite interesting that he was willing to give up the airship so easily, though it's understandably quite a large bribe.
"I think that I've been King of the Society long enough to appreciate what little distinctions we can have. But perhaps a better pony might improve things." - Oh, the irony and foreshadowing.
Have to admit, Glory stripping down the zebra parts in the kitchen would rate pretty high on the creepy factor for a normal pony, even if she does have good intentions.
Scotch and Boo's food fight really is adorable... It makes me want to make a gif of Boo bouncing an orange on her nose...
I'll admit Eclipse seems quite obviously to not be just a normal pony, but I'm going to reserve any judgement as to her identity for later.
"I don't recall Apple Bloom's Crusader buzzing like that." "It's buzzing from sheer awesomeness." - That is a perfect retort, Horse, good job.
I definitely hope LittlePip arrives quickly with the Balefire bomb...
The fight with Dawn was very well done, and it served nicely as the action for an otherwise rather calm chapter. Quite an intense fight at that. Rereading it, the fact that Blackjack did so well against Dawn actually has me a little concerned now, for her sake.
For all the problems that will potentially come of this, I think Awesome was a very important pony for Blackjack to meet and talk to.
I do love how calmly Blackjack deals with P-21 being captured.
I also love the hug. It's probably some of the last genuine happiness they're going to get for a long time.
As far as endings go, that one's certainly a doozey. I'll be very much looking forward to finding out what happens.
Welcome, Vex. I do hope you're enjoying the story.thatguyvex wrote:So, normally I just lurk around here and read the comments, but as I have this little sliver of a question in my brain that I can't seem to find the answer to on my own I thought I'd register just for the sole purpose of asking you fine folk. Its kind of a random question and doesn't pertain to anything of actual importance, but does anyone happen to know what the general eye/mane/coat color of the Enclave pegasus Sunset who died in Ch.54? For some reason that completely tertiary character has been on my mind a lot, and its been bugging the heck out of me that I can't seem to find a description of her anywhere in the previous chapters.
Actually, I just checked Chapter 42, and she does remove her helmet. She has a rust-colored coat, and an orange-and-yellow striped mane. And Chapter 52 has her with red eyes. I do hope that helps.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Wed May 01, 2013 9:35 am
WavemasterRyx wrote:Again, my deepest thanks to Somber, Hinds, and Bronode. You all put so much work into this story, and I really appreciate it. *hugs each of you gently*
And Somber, I do very much hope things get better for you soon. Just try to remember, we're here for you if there's ever any way we can help.
- Chapter 55 Commentary:
I thought it was a nice touch for Blackjack to pull down the dead pony down from the wall.
Her wanting to know more about the lightning rods is interesting, in that it still projects something of a "not very Blackjack" feeling. Not in a bad way certainly, just something of a surprise.
As I said before, the portion of this chapter between Blackjack, Lacunae and the Goddess is rather deeply saddening. Losing control of your own body is one of those things that's just terrifying, even more so than losing your sense of self as Glory did.
It's a very painful piece to the chapter, especially with the image of Lacunae crying because Blackjack can't.
As also said before, the banter at the gate to Elysium Gardens is quite amusing, and very welcome after the previous scene with the Goddess.
That poor guard though, he is so dumb...
Even for being a filly, there's just something about Princess Charm that sets my nerves on edge... like she's going to cause some huge problems or something. I'm probably entirely wrong though, as usual.
The scene with P-21 and Blackjack yelling at each other in the bathroom is fantastic. Both of them feel very passionately and want to do what's right, it's well done.
Scotch's comment after of, "Yup, this is the mare you're all terrified of. Fear for your commodes!" is quite adorable too.
I find it quite hard to believe the ponies in the hall didn't hear their conversation though, heh. Either that, or I need to find the ponies who built the garden and hire them... cause I want my bathrooms with tippy-top sound proofing like that.
I'll give Awesome credit, he certainly knows how to get Blackjack's attention.
Of course it's interesting Goldenblood was executed by dragon, and leads into the whole argument of whether or not dragon fire always teleports the subject away, which I certainly hope doesn't get out of hand.
I could have sworn Goldenblood was going to be executed the day the bombs fell though, not the day before... Probably just an error in my memory though.
Goldenblood's use of the starmetal as medicine is quite interesting, and opens up another big avenue of speculation.
"Evil is when we rationalize the wrongs we do to others." - A very true statement...
It's interesting just how quickly of a relationship Blackjack and Awesome build. Sharing such an uncommon interest for the Wasteland, I can't really blame them though. Also quite interesting that he was willing to give up the airship so easily, though it's understandably quite a large bribe.
"I think that I've been King of the Society long enough to appreciate what little distinctions we can have. But perhaps a better pony might improve things." - Oh, the irony and foreshadowing.
Have to admit, Glory stripping down the zebra parts in the kitchen would rate pretty high on the creepy factor for a normal pony, even if she does have good intentions.
Scotch and Boo's food fight really is adorable... It makes me want to make a gif of Boo bouncing an orange on her nose...
I'll admit Eclipse seems quite obviously to not be just a normal pony, but I'm going to reserve any judgement as to her identity for later.
"I don't recall Apple Bloom's Crusader buzzing like that." "It's buzzing from sheer awesomeness." - That is a perfect retort, Horse, good job.
I definitely hope LittlePip arrives quickly with the Balefire bomb...
The fight with Dawn was very well done, and it served nicely as the action for an otherwise rather calm chapter. Quite an intense fight at that. Rereading it, the fact that Blackjack did so well against Dawn actually has me a little concerned now, for her sake.
For all the problems that will potentially come of this, I think Awesome was a very important pony for Blackjack to meet and talk to.
I do love how calmly Blackjack deals with P-21 being captured.
I also love the hug. It's probably some of the last genuine happiness they're going to get for a long time.
As far as endings go, that one's certainly a doozey. I'll be very much looking forward to finding out what happens.Welcome, Vex. I do hope you're enjoying the story.thatguyvex wrote:So, normally I just lurk around here and read the comments, but as I have this little sliver of a question in my brain that I can't seem to find the answer to on my own I thought I'd register just for the sole purpose of asking you fine folk. Its kind of a random question and doesn't pertain to anything of actual importance, but does anyone happen to know what the general eye/mane/coat color of the Enclave pegasus Sunset who died in Ch.54? For some reason that completely tertiary character has been on my mind a lot, and its been bugging the heck out of me that I can't seem to find a description of her anywhere in the previous chapters.
Actually, I just checked Chapter 42, and she does remove her helmet. She has a rust-colored coat, and an orange-and-yellow striped mane. And Chapter 52 has her with red eyes. I do hope that helps.
- Spoiler:
- I could have sworn Goldenblood was going to be executed the day the bombs fell though, not the day before... Probably just an error in my memory though.
- Spoiler:
- Scotch and Boo's food fight really is adorable... It makes me want to make a gif of Boo bouncing an orange on her nose...
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Ametros Wed May 01, 2013 9:53 am
I really enjoyed that chapter, unlike the mixed bag that I felt the previous chapter was.
- Spoiler:
I was genuinely surprised to find myself liking King Awesome really quite a lot. Very good character there, even if his featuring was shortlived.
It's worrying to find just how much control The Goddess has over Blackjack now, but surely Littlepip isn't far off, and hopefully Blackjack's friends notice odd behaviour...
I admit that I did not expect Blackjack becoming Queen, but I'm guessing that sooner or later she chooses the middle path in regards to the actions her friends have suggested. Improve the serfs lives, but not overthrow the Society as a whole. I can completely seeing her appointing Grace as a stewardess of sorts (if she can't simply pass the crown on).
Another interesting note to me was the image of Goldenblood's 'execution', whereby he seems to be 'incinerated' by Spike. Surely I'm not the first to pick up on that (haven't been following the thread too much recently), but it leaves Goldenblood's fate very much unspecified, lending credence to some theories that have been thrown about...
Finally, that Crusader 1.2 I feel must be significant. Is it the means that Blackjack's mysterious benefactor used to help her out when she was in Hippocratic? Is it Goldenblood? Horse? Is it even possibly Dawn's Goddess? So many questions raised here, and I'm strongly reminded why I love this tale so...
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Harmony Ltd. Wed May 01, 2013 10:00 am
@ CalamityWhen :
- Spoiler:
- The Crusader 1.2 is probably Cognitum, what with the ability to upload minds and manipulate robots remotely - Dawn's body is probably just an interface and her "mind" is in fact loaded into Cognitum. Meaning that even if BlackJack destroy her body, she will come back, again and again until Cognitum is finally destroyed.
So yeah, Dawn is a Necron, basically.
By the way, I imagine that Cognitum's "mind" is in fact some sort of gestalt of all the mind it uploaded since its creation. And it may be being plugged into Eclipse's / Luna's mind which deluded it into thinking it's a goddess.
Concerning GoldenBlood's final fate, as you said the question is still left open. Depending on Luna's and Celestia's exact involvement, it's possible he could just have been transported somewhere, to do whatever to / with him.
Though given the bombs fell that day, and we all know what (supposedly...) happened in Canterlot, they probably had other things to do that day.
...
And now I'm imagining Goldenblood left plugged to some sort of life-support machinery, for two hundred years...
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Train Dodger Wed May 01, 2013 11:46 am
Alright, on to proofing Chapter 2. I should mention in passing that the title of Chapter 41 on the index page has an excess space between the hyphen and the chapter number.
- Chapter 2:
- I could leave him, I realized. Deus wanted me. They might just ignore P-21 all together.
Typo: [all together] > [altogether]Then I mentally hit myself as I remembered little Vent lying next to her momma. If these ponies killed foals so casually, P-21 would be no better off in their hands.
I'll admit, hands have a certain grasping element that evokes all the right imagery, in this instance. Still, might be best to stick to horse anatomy. At least, as long as we're not talking about mutants or cyborgs. Or cyborg mutants. Last I checked, Deus's cyber-limbs didn't have fingers.I glanced at P-21, who shrugged at my look, and we turned to the left and raced in the direction the weird metal bug had taken.
Extraneous space between bolded words.Now that I could look at the bug while not running for my life, I could see that it was actually just a flying robot made to look like a bug. Well, that was at least less weird that a non-robot metal flying talking bug.
Typo: [that] > [than]“Don’t...? Don’t what?” I said with my ears twitching. Voices... P-21 started to answer, but I grabbed him and clapped my hoof over his mouth.
Paragraph missing indent.I finally relaxed again...and then I noticed the blue pony shaking hard in my hooves.
Missing space after ellipsis.He just lay there, shaking. I swallowed, looking to the south. “Come on. We can’t stay here. We need to get going.” Do NOT tell me I have to leave you here.
Using all-caps for emphasis is pretty bad form; consider replacing it with italicized lowercase text. Also, there are eight paragraphs on this page, including this one and the one above, that are not indented the same as the rest of the text.When I put their carcasses in my bag (Well, we’d have to eat at some point. Not that I was at all confident that they were edible, but they’d be better than air or dirt and quite possibly better than two-centuries-dead grass), my PipBuck’s inventory system labeled them ‘Bloatsprite Meat’.
Consider making "Well" and "Not" lowercase and replacing the indicated period with a semicolon or em dash. Sentences in parentheses should be in all-lowercase when they're in the middle of another sentence, and should ideally not contain more than one sentence broken up by a period.
Examples:
[(well, we’d have to eat at some point; not that I was at all confident that they were edible, but they’d be better than air or dirt and quite possibly better than two-centuries-dead grass)]
[(well, we’d have to eat at some point -- not that I was at all confident that they were edible, but they’d be better than air or dirt and quite possibly better than two-centuries-dead grass)]Family. They were family. Not the mother/daughter dynamic of Stable 99, but a family. I could vaguely remember hearing about the old ways in history class, but seeing an actual, happy family like that…
Consider replacing the slash with a hyphen.Of course, my intentions went down like a radroach sundae. “Are all mares sex fiends? Is that it?
Missing quotation mark at the end of P-21's dialogue.“You two close?” I said, now feeling genuinely curious. Maybe it was the pictures. Both Watcher’s comment and what we’d been through had made wonder about this odd blue pony.
Typo: [made wonder] > [made me wonder]“I guess that depends on why you want it.” he said as he sat on the edge of the grave, looking at me.
Period needs to be replaced with a comma.At once, I regretted leaving so soon. I’d been in such a hurry to get out with EC-1101 that I hadn’t realized it might be the last time I saw Mom. Without Deus there and with the stable sealed, I knew that eventually Mom would retake it. They’d do something about the Overmare if she was still alive… big ‘if’… and get on with life.
Paragraph not indented the same as the others.Could I just ‘lose’ my PipBuck? I didn't have any way to get my PipBuck off…and if I could, I probably wouldn't be able to find my way back.
Missing space after ellipsis.No…I couldn't go back.
Yep, missing space after ellipsis.If he had my PipBuck tag, he could find me…was there a range on these things?
Yes, Blackjack. There is a range on those things. It's the width of one space. After an ellipsis. :)Three rounds of buckshot turned the hall and most of her front into blasted ruin. As that accelerated time wore off, she slumped to the ground, her last shots chewing up the floor before she fell over in a bloody mess. I looked down at the mare still thrashing on the ground as she tried to breathe through the ground meat of her throat.
In this paragraph, Blackjack can't decide whether the floor of the old farmhouse is a floor or, well... the ground. In some cases, this appears to be used to avoid word repetition. Also, aren't those supposed to be single-shot rifles? In that case, wouldn't she have only one last round remaining before needing to reload?
Possible revision examples:
[As that accelerated time wore off, she slumped to the floor, her last shot chewing up the hardwood before she fell over in a bloody mess.]
[As that accelerated time wore off, she slumped over, her last shot chewing up the floor before she fell in a bloody heap.]The shotgun blasted a cone of leaden destruction that had her scrambling for cover again. Her shots were wild, but I only had three more shells in the shotgun and no time to reload. I tripped over the bloody mare’s corpse at the end of the hall, rolling over it as the remaining mare fired at me. U-21 was behind her, apparently learning about a little firearm feature called a ‘safety’ the hard way.
Paragraph missing indent.Then the brown unicorn got his weapon working, putting a round in the wall. He took one look at me and screamed as I brought shotgun around, firing his weapon wildly in my general direction.
Typo: [brought shotgun] > [brought the shotgun]And he was shooting at me...okay, trying to shoot at me.
Missing space after ellipsis.“It’s a pretty simple word. Two letters. Pretty sure even you can figure it out.” He pointed a hoof at the other male. “Help him right now. Give him one of your potions,” P-21 said firmly. “Otherwise, get going.”
It's a bit awkward to have a dialogue tag after two complete sentences in quotation marks. Consider revising.
Examples:
[“Help him right now," P-21 said firmly. "Give him one of your potions. Otherwise, get going.”]
[“Help him right now; give him one of your potions,” P-21 said firmly. “Otherwise, get going.”]One of the most effective forms of punishment in 99 was isolation. I’d gotten it twice: twenty four hours in a virtual closet for mouthing off about the Overmare.
Typo: [twenty four] > [twenty-four]
Compound numbers should be hyphenated.“Then I’ll die, but I’m not taking it.” He stared me right in the eyes. “And if you were smart, you wouldn’t want me to have it.” Ugh, more cryptic, angry statements...
Paragraph missing indent.I really didn’t want to pit the accuracy of shotgun, revolver, or auto pistol against them until I was close enough to make it not matter.
Might consider revising this so it reads "of a shotgun", but it could just be a Blackjack-ism.P-21 managed to keep up for the short sprint. Then I glimpsed the word above the front door: ‘School.’
Triple-space between bold text.Flies buzzed everywhere around coagulating pools of blood. Bodies… no, these were body parts… lay strewn and scattered like gory decoration.
While this is technically not incorrect if you mean "the act of decorating", it looks really awkward; it might be better to use the plural form "decorations" in this context.Her eyes widened and the brown mare ducked her head to pull another automatic pistol from a holster on her front left leg.
By "another", I'm assuming Blackjack means another one relative to the one's she's been looting from her opponents. However, this is not immediately clear to the audience. At first glance, one wonders if the raider is already brandishing one, but that's impossible, because her mouth was unoccupied and she's an earth pony and couldn't be levitating one around. Might want to just go with "an automatic pistol". Alternately, you could put "yet another", which would carry with it connotations of frustration at the lack of varied weapons to capture and add to her growing arsenal, and would also remove any ambiguity.
Also, might want to go with "left foreleg", which flows better.I levitated a stream of shotgun shells from my bag, each one clicking into place inside the magazine.
Since it's a pump-action shotgun, you might want to specify "inside the weapon's tubular magazine", so the readers don't get confused and think of a box magazine or anything like that. Blackjack strikes me as the sort of individual who knows a thing or two about firearms, anyhow.P-21 reached over and lifted a dismembered pony’s head. He looked at me grimly and then pushed the head above the counter edge.
Might want to replace that with the possessive form "counter's".I peeked into one classroom that had been turned into slaughterhouse, the foals’ desks transformed into butcher counters.
Typo: [into slaughterhouse] > [into a slaughterhouse]
Also, might want to use the more specific form "butcher's blocks".Another metal apple came in through the doorway. Not this time. As it hit the ground, I wrapped my magic around it and tossed it back out the door.
They're not outside, and I don't think the floor is that badly rotted out.“If you don’t know how to fire a gun, it’s not that hard. You point the end with the hole at the bad guys and pull the trigger. The bad guys, not my butt,” I added for emphasis. Okay, there was a lot more to it than that, but I finally got him talking.
It's not really good form to have a dialogue tag after multiple sentences like this. Might consider revising:
[“If you don’t know how to fire a gun, it’s not that hard. You point the end with the hole at the bad guys and pull the trigger." For emphasis, I added, "The bad guys, not my butt.” Okay, there was a lot more to it than that, but I finally got him talking.]
Meh, that looks (and reads) kinda awkward, too. I guess some things are better left alone. Including Blackjack's butt.I thought about Rivets and Midnight. I’d have to talk to him like I talked to them... minus the the whole sex thing.
Typo: [the the] > [the]I remembered back at the flooded fields farmhouse looking at the figurine in dirt
Perhaps this should read "figurine in the dirt", no?Instantly, my PipBuck tag swapped from red to yellow as she dropped the bomb and raced for the an exit as fast as her legs could carry her.
Typo: [the an] > [the] OR [an]I made my way towards the second classroom. As I neared the door, one knife-wielding raider sprang at me. Knife vs shotgun.
Consider "Knife vs. shotgun", with a period, or "Knife versus shotgun", without the abbreviation.My low groan tipped P-21 off, and he rose to trot to my side. “How are you feeling?”
Triple-space between bold text.“I didn’t….” He stammered.
Ellipsis has four periods instead of the standard three.He nudged over a duffel bag closer to me.
Seems redundant. Revision examples:
[He nudged a duffel bag closer to me.]
[He nudged over a duffel bag.]“No...,” she said as she stood with pride to show the tiny patch crudely sewn onto the ragged plaid cloak.
Ellipsis or comma. Pick one only.* * * * * * *There are quite a number of spots where I would've used a few more commas, but I'm not going to nitpick about that. There are a lot of things that I'm choosing to deliberately overlook on account of preserving the style of the fic. Like I said before, the prose shouldn't be too exacting, because the first-person narrator isn't. The slightly sloppy sentence structures, split infinitives and colloquialisms here and there help give it character. I cannot stress this enough; its occasional imprecision is very important.* * * * * * *P-21's being a little snit as usual. I suppose it's justified, considering who he's traveling with.
Oh my gosh, that part where Blackjack is swooning over a photo of Applejack and Big Macintosh. Hilarious. What I wouldn't give to be there to tell her, at that very moment, who they really were, and how they might be related to her. When you read through PH a second time, you start noticing a bunch of... easter eggs. Call-forwards. Signs of good writing, if you ask me.
Hoss's logs. I shed manly tears.
Black mare snuck into the barn? Holy crap! That's Psalm, isn't it?
Not only does Blackjack run into Spike/Watcher's spritebots in this chapter, this is where we first encounter the Crusaders and Scoodle, before her rather messy end.
The rather gory fight scenes further establish Blackjack's tendency towards close combat weapons.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by thatguyvex Wed May 01, 2013 1:49 pm
WavemasterRyx wrote:Welcome, Vex. I do hope you're enjoying the story.
Actually, I just
checked Chapter 42, and she does remove her helmet. She has a
rust-colored coat, and an orange-and-yellow striped mane. And Chapter 52
has her with red eyes. I do hope that helps.
Thanks, that does help! I was having the hardest time finding that information. Bugs me when I'm trying to think about a character but I don't have an accurate mental image. Its really weird, fifty five chapters of this story has had plenty of more established and developed characters die, but its this completely tertiary Enclave pony's death that gets under my skin for some reason.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Vergil Wed May 01, 2013 3:49 pm
Harmony Ltd. wrote:
- Spoiler:
Well, shit.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Wed May 01, 2013 4:49 pm
Ah, thank you very much.Train Dodger wrote:Alright, on to proofing Chapter 2. I should mention in passing that the title of Chapter 41 on the index page has an excess space between the hyphen and the chapter number.
- Chapter 2:
Typo: [all together] > [altogether]Then I mentally hit myself as I remembered little Vent lying next to her momma. If these ponies killed foals so casually, P-21 would be no better off in their hands.
I'll admit, hands have a certain grasping element that evokes all the right imagery, in this instance. Still, might be best to stick to horse anatomy. At least, as long as we're not talking about mutants or cyborgs. Or cyborg mutants. Last I checked, Deus's cyber-limbs didn't have fingers.I glanced at P-21, who shrugged at my look, and we turned to the left and raced in the direction the weird metal bug had taken.
Extraneous space between bolded words.Now that I could look at the bug while not running for my life, I could see that it was actually just a flying robot made to look like a bug. Well, that was at least less weird that a non-robot metal flying talking bug.
Typo: [that] > [than]“Don’t...? Don’t what?” I said with my ears twitching. Voices... P-21 started to answer, but I grabbed him and clapped my hoof over his mouth.
Paragraph missing indent.I finally relaxed again...and then I noticed the blue pony shaking hard in my hooves.
Missing space after ellipsis.He just lay there, shaking. I swallowed, looking to the south. “Come on. We can’t stay here. We need to get going.” Do NOT tell me I have to leave you here.
Using all-caps for emphasis is pretty bad form; consider replacing it with italicized lowercase text. Also, there are eight paragraphs on this page, including this one and the one above, that are not indented the same as the rest of the text.When I put their carcasses in my bag (Well, we’d have to eat at some point. Not that I was at all confident that they were edible, but they’d be better than air or dirt and quite possibly better than two-centuries-dead grass), my PipBuck’s inventory system labeled them ‘Bloatsprite Meat’.
Consider making "Well" and "Not" lowercase and replacing the indicated period with a semicolon or em dash. Sentences in parentheses should be in all-lowercase when they're in the middle of another sentence, and should ideally not contain more than one sentence broken up by a period.
Examples:
[(well, we’d have to eat at some point; not that I was at all confident that they were edible, but they’d be better than air or dirt and quite possibly better than two-centuries-dead grass)]
[(well, we’d have to eat at some point -- not that I was at all confident that they were edible, but they’d be better than air or dirt and quite possibly better than two-centuries-dead grass)]Family. They were family. Not the mother/daughter dynamic of Stable 99, but a family. I could vaguely remember hearing about the old ways in history class, but seeing an actual, happy family like that…
Consider replacing the slash with a hyphen.Of course, my intentions went down like a radroach sundae. “Are all mares sex fiends? Is that it?
Missing quotation mark at the end of P-21's dialogue.“You two close?” I said, now feeling genuinely curious. Maybe it was the pictures. Both Watcher’s comment and what we’d been through had made wonder about this odd blue pony.
Typo: [made wonder] > [made me wonder]“I guess that depends on why you want it.” he said as he sat on the edge of the grave, looking at me.
Period needs to be replaced with a comma.At once, I regretted leaving so soon. I’d been in such a hurry to get out with EC-1101 that I hadn’t realized it might be the last time I saw Mom. Without Deus there and with the stable sealed, I knew that eventually Mom would retake it. They’d do something about the Overmare if she was still alive… big ‘if’… and get on with life.
Paragraph not indented the same as the others.Could I just ‘lose’ my PipBuck? I didn't have any way to get my PipBuck off…and if I could, I probably wouldn't be able to find my way back.
Missing space after ellipsis.No…I couldn't go back.
Yep, missing space after ellipsis.If he had my PipBuck tag, he could find me…was there a range on these things?
Yes, Blackjack. There is a range on those things. It's the width of one space. After an ellipsis. :)Three rounds of buckshot turned the hall and most of her front into blasted ruin. As that accelerated time wore off, she slumped to the ground, her last shots chewing up the floor before she fell over in a bloody mess. I looked down at the mare still thrashing on the ground as she tried to breathe through the ground meat of her throat.
In this paragraph, Blackjack can't decide whether the floor of the old farmhouse is a floor or, well... the ground. In some cases, this appears to be used to avoid word repetition. Also, aren't those supposed to be single-shot rifles? In that case, wouldn't she have only one last round remaining before needing to reload?
Possible revision examples:
[As that accelerated time wore off, she slumped to the floor, her last shot chewing up the hardwood before she fell over in a bloody mess.]
[As that accelerated time wore off, she slumped over, her last shot chewing up the floor before she fell in a bloody heap.]The shotgun blasted a cone of leaden destruction that had her scrambling for cover again. Her shots were wild, but I only had three more shells in the shotgun and no time to reload. I tripped over the bloody mare’s corpse at the end of the hall, rolling over it as the remaining mare fired at me. U-21 was behind her, apparently learning about a little firearm feature called a ‘safety’ the hard way.
Paragraph missing indent.Then the brown unicorn got his weapon working, putting a round in the wall. He took one look at me and screamed as I brought shotgun around, firing his weapon wildly in my general direction.
Typo: [brought shotgun] > [brought the shotgun]And he was shooting at me...okay, trying to shoot at me.
Missing space after ellipsis.“It’s a pretty simple word. Two letters. Pretty sure even you can figure it out.” He pointed a hoof at the other male. “Help him right now. Give him one of your potions,” P-21 said firmly. “Otherwise, get going.”
It's a bit awkward to have a dialogue tag after two complete sentences in quotation marks. Consider revising.
Examples:
[“Help him right now," P-21 said firmly. "Give him one of your potions. Otherwise, get going.”]
[“Help him right now; give him one of your potions,” P-21 said firmly. “Otherwise, get going.”]One of the most effective forms of punishment in 99 was isolation. I’d gotten it twice: twenty four hours in a virtual closet for mouthing off about the Overmare.
Typo: [twenty four] > [twenty-four]
Compound numbers should be hyphenated.“Then I’ll die, but I’m not taking it.” He stared me right in the eyes. “And if you were smart, you wouldn’t want me to have it.” Ugh, more cryptic, angry statements...
Paragraph missing indent.I really didn’t want to pit the accuracy of shotgun, revolver, or auto pistol against them until I was close enough to make it not matter.
Might consider revising this so it reads "of a shotgun", but it could just be a Blackjack-ism.P-21 managed to keep up for the short sprint. Then I glimpsed the word above the front door: ‘School.’
Triple-space between bold text.Flies buzzed everywhere around coagulating pools of blood. Bodies… no, these were body parts… lay strewn and scattered like gory decoration.
While this is technically not incorrect if you mean "the act of decorating", it looks really awkward; it might be better to use the plural form "decorations" in this context.Her eyes widened and the brown mare ducked her head to pull another automatic pistol from a holster on her front left leg.
By "another", I'm assuming Blackjack means another one relative to the one's she's been looting from her opponents. However, this is not immediately clear to the audience. At first glance, one wonders if the raider is already brandishing one, but that's impossible, because her mouth was unoccupied and she's an earth pony and couldn't be levitating one around. Might want to just go with "an automatic pistol". Alternately, you could put "yet another", which would carry with it connotations of frustration at the lack of varied weapons to capture and add to her growing arsenal, and would also remove any ambiguity.
Also, might want to go with "left foreleg", which flows better.I levitated a stream of shotgun shells from my bag, each one clicking into place inside the magazine.
Since it's a pump-action shotgun, you might want to specify "inside the weapon's tubular magazine", so the readers don't get confused and think of a box magazine or anything like that. Blackjack strikes me as the sort of individual who knows a thing or two about firearms, anyhow.P-21 reached over and lifted a dismembered pony’s head. He looked at me grimly and then pushed the head above the counter edge.
Might want to replace that with the possessive form "counter's".I peeked into one classroom that had been turned into slaughterhouse, the foals’ desks transformed into butcher counters.
Typo: [into slaughterhouse] > [into a slaughterhouse]
Also, might want to use the more specific form "butcher's blocks".Another metal apple came in through the doorway. Not this time. As it hit the ground, I wrapped my magic around it and tossed it back out the door.
They're not outside, and I don't think the floor is that badly rotted out.“If you don’t know how to fire a gun, it’s not that hard. You point the end with the hole at the bad guys and pull the trigger. The bad guys, not my butt,” I added for emphasis. Okay, there was a lot more to it than that, but I finally got him talking.
It's not really good form to have a dialogue tag after multiple sentences like this. Might consider revising:
[“If you don’t know how to fire a gun, it’s not that hard. You point the end with the hole at the bad guys and pull the trigger." For emphasis, I added, "The bad guys, not my butt.” Okay, there was a lot more to it than that, but I finally got him talking.]
Meh, that looks (and reads) kinda awkward, too. I guess some things are better left alone. Including Blackjack's butt.I thought about Rivets and Midnight. I’d have to talk to him like I talked to them... minus the the whole sex thing.
Typo: [the the] > [the]I remembered back at the flooded fields farmhouse looking at the figurine in dirt
Perhaps this should read "figurine in the dirt", no?Instantly, my PipBuck tag swapped from red to yellow as she dropped the bomb and raced for the an exit as fast as her legs could carry her.
Typo: [the an] > [the] OR [an]I made my way towards the second classroom. As I neared the door, one knife-wielding raider sprang at me. Knife vs shotgun.
Consider "Knife vs. shotgun", with a period, or "Knife versus shotgun", without the abbreviation.My low groan tipped P-21 off, and he rose to trot to my side. “How are you feeling?”
Triple-space between bold text.“I didn’t….” He stammered.
Ellipsis has four periods instead of the standard three.He nudged over a duffel bag closer to me.
Seems redundant. Revision examples:
[He nudged a duffel bag closer to me.]
[He nudged over a duffel bag.]“No...,” she said as she stood with pride to show the tiny patch crudely sewn onto the ragged plaid cloak.
Ellipsis or comma. Pick one only.* * * * * * *There are quite a number of spots where I would've used a few more commas, but I'm not going to nitpick about that. There are a lot of things that I'm choosing to deliberately overlook on account of preserving the style of the fic. Like I said before, the prose shouldn't be too exacting, because the first-person narrator isn't. The slightly sloppy sentence structures, split infinitives and colloquialisms here and there help give it character. I cannot stress this enough; its occasional imprecision is very important.* * * * * * *P-21's being a little snit as usual. I suppose it's justified, considering who he's traveling with.
Oh my gosh, that part where Blackjack is swooning over a photo of Applejack and Big Macintosh. Hilarious. What I wouldn't give to be there to tell her, at that very moment, who they really were, and how they might be related to her. When you read through PH a second time, you start noticing a bunch of... easter eggs. Call-forwards. Signs of good writing, if you ask me.
Hoss's logs. I shed manly tears.
Black mare snuck into the barn? Holy crap! That's Psalm, isn't it?
Not only does Blackjack run into Spike/Watcher's spritebots in this chapter, this is where we first encounter the Crusaders and Scoodle, before her rather messy end.
The rather gory fight scenes further establish Blackjack's tendency towards close combat weapons.
O. Hinds- Zebra Engineer
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Derpmind Wed May 01, 2013 5:32 pm
O. Hinds wrote:Ah, thank you very much.
O. Hinds wrote:very much.
![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 18 320px-Pinkie_Pie_gasp!_S3E7](http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20121219004117/mlp/images/thumb/6/6d/Pinkie_Pie_gasp!_S3E7.png/320px-Pinkie_Pie_gasp!_S3E7.png)
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Congratulations Train Dodger!
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Derpmind- Mindmaster Extraordinaire
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Wed May 01, 2013 5:36 pm
...Um. Apparently thanks from me are worth a lot more than I thought?Derpmind wrote:O. Hinds wrote:Ah, thank you very much.O. Hinds wrote:very much.
Congratulations Train Dodger!
Anyway, though, look at everything they spotted, and back in Chapter 2 no less.
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