Sister forumFallout Equestria: All That Remains
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Page 17 of 26
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Re: Fallout Equestria: All That Remains
by CamoBadger Mon May 13, 2013 12:49 am
Thanks for the reviews swicked!
I would say more about some of the things you brought up, but I'm exhausted right now and can't think. Sorry 'bout that. STill, thanks for reading and giving your feedback!
I would say more about some of the things you brought up, but I'm exhausted right now and can't think. Sorry 'bout that. STill, thanks for reading and giving your feedback!
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Re: Fallout Equestria: All That Remains
by CamoBadger Mon May 13, 2013 10:55 pm
now that I've been reminded that I said I would reply more, I'll go ahead and do that.
Hope I answered at least some concerns or questions, if I missed anything please let me know :)
- Spoiler:
Honestly, Seer was never really supposed to be the most well liked character in this story, so I'm not surprised you dislike her. She's been rather interesting to write, because she's got a very...strange mindset.
The incident on her first night out with Shayle was basically her trying to get a sense of who Shayle was, but she isn't exactly open to other opinions all the time. Even if it's something random like whether or not Shayle would sleep with that random soldier; she kinda expected Shayle to do what she would do and got upset when it didn't happen that way.
But most of her decisions (like pushing Shayle into that hole) end up coming from past incidents, and could even be something like she'd watched a friend get pulled into a hole like that and was suddenly compelled to "save her friend" regardless of the risk to others.
Basically; yes, she has heavy baggage that she hides.
@Scorpions/Xion: I would answer some stuff about them, but that would spoil stuff for later.
@Minx's Name: I actually went off of the definition that it's a girl who is very flirtatious, bold, or high-spirited. Really it's not her actual name (this isn't going to be mentioned in the story because I don't believe every little detail needs to be mentioned and some things are better left untouched), but a nickname she was given when she was younger; so not an insult, but just what her friends called her because of her behavior at a younger age.
@Minx's Behavior: I would talk about this, but it's spoilers. However, you do have at least part of it correct.
@The Mission: Minx didn't really bend the orders, but she certainly interpreted them differently than was intended.
Hope I answered at least some concerns or questions, if I missed anything please let me know :)
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Re: Fallout Equestria: All That Remains
by Ketchup Tue May 14, 2013 1:39 am
Few things that found in chapters 2 and 3 that didn't quite look right.
- 2:
'any more', she's referring to a number, not a time.I just hoped there weren’t anymore.
There are a few places I'd add commas, but I tend to use a lot of them.
- 3:
- Not exactly sure if this is incorrect, but Charmer's snake nest is repeatedly called 'the Nest'. Way I see it, either have both capitalized or neither, as 'nest' isn't a proper noun.
I think 'lil' needs an apostrophe.“Hey baby, what’s a lil mare like you doin’ out here?”
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Re: Fallout Equestria: All That Remains
by CamoBadger Tue May 14, 2013 2:00 am
Thanks for pointing those out Ketchup.
And I don't think she minds them as long as they aren't on her (does anybody like spiders touching them? I mean some people get them as pets, but if you just see a spider on your arm does anybody not freak out?)
And I don't think she minds them as long as they aren't on her (does anybody like spiders touching them? I mean some people get them as pets, but if you just see a spider on your arm does anybody not freak out?)
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Re: Fallout Equestria: All That Remains
by RoboRed Tue May 14, 2013 3:19 am
swicked wrote:*looks up*Tetrarch
...”the commander of a subdivision of a Macedonian phalanx in ancient Greece”?
Must all zebra have ironic names?
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Re: Fallout Equestria: All That Remains
by CamoBadger Tue May 14, 2013 7:58 pm
So that commission I got a while back is finished.
It's the group photo from the funeral scene, and I lurve it.
It's the group photo from the funeral scene, and I lurve it.
- Spoiler:
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Re: Fallout Equestria: All That Remains
by Guest Tue May 14, 2013 8:21 pm
Shayle and Seer look a bit masculine and Felix looks a little big for his age. (He looks more feminine to me then the other two zebra, I think it's the shorter Muzzle he and Charmer share that throws off the other two.) But Charmer looks great though.
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Re: Fallout Equestria: All That Remains
by Ketchup Wed May 15, 2013 2:04 am
Spotted a few more little things. The first is from chapter 4, the rest are from 5.
- Spoiler:
Quotation mark out of place.“I lifted my own hoof to shake with hers, grinning and happy to be out of the rain.
'past' instead of 'passed'.“And what makes them think we can get passed the security?”
Ditto.“That means you might actually be able to help me get passed the security.”
'sight'.Instead, I caught site of a striped body dashing across the hall in front of the robot, barely ahead of the stream that nearly caught me.
Double space between 'to' and 'start'.When I turned back to start shooting again, I froze.
'fold-out board'.Seer rubbed her chin briefly before clicking at a pair of buttons on the fold-out-board.
'mushroom-shaped' may be better there than 'mushroom shaped'.At the top of the bulb was a small mushroom shaped thing with two red lights glowing on the front, staring down on us with mechanical malice.
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Re: Fallout Equestria: All That Remains
by Kippershy Wed May 15, 2013 2:50 am
CamoBadger wrote:So that commission I got a while back is finished.
It's the group photo from the funeral scene, and I lurve it.
- Spoiler:
JVFGHFHGF
I KNEW IT!
When I saw this on Tumblr, my immediate reaction was to ask Leigh if that was Charmer/Seer/Shayle/Felix, though looking closely it's wrong order with Shayle/Seer
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Re: Fallout Equestria: All That Remains
by Ketchup Tue May 21, 2013 12:50 am
Finished re-reading 6, spotted a few things.
- Spoiler:
- I see that 'the Nest' is repeated again in chapter 6, and it wasn't changed in chapter 3. It just doesn't look right.
'flute-playing'.“A rather feisty, flute playing mare?”
'Are you... feeling okay?' may fit better, I don't think a comma works as well as an ellipses there.“Are you, feeling okay?”
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Re: Fallout Equestria: All That Remains
by CamoBadger Tue May 21, 2013 1:26 am
Thanks again Ketchup.
I haven't done the changes quite yet for what you've given me, I'm noting them all and I'll edit them once the new chapter goes up.
I haven't done the changes quite yet for what you've given me, I'm noting them all and I'll edit them once the new chapter goes up.
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Re: Fallout Equestria: All That Remains
by CamoBadger Tue May 21, 2013 11:54 pm
Chapter update:
I'm currently at 7K words, so almost done. As usual, worried as hell that I've screwed up something badly and will continue to be nervous about it forever.
I'm currently at 7K words, so almost done. As usual, worried as hell that I've screwed up something badly and will continue to be nervous about it forever.
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Re: Fallout Equestria: All That Remains
by Frost Wed May 22, 2013 12:36 am
Don't worry about it, Camo. No matter what, we'll be sycophantic about our support.
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Re: Fallout Equestria: All That Remains
by Ketchup Wed May 22, 2013 3:57 am
As is usual, I'll say you've never failed to deliver in terms of content.CamoBadger wrote:Chapter update:
I'm currently at 7K words, so almost done. As usual, worried as hell that I've screwed up something badly and will continue to be nervous about it forever.
Got through 7.
- Spoiler:
'turned'I tuned and bolted after the others,
'two'and I froze at the sight of the last to slavers holding shotguns to the heads of two colts.
Last edited by Ketchup on Thu May 23, 2013 1:26 am; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : curse writing at 3 am on a notebook computer)
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Re: Fallout Equestria: All That Remains
by Kippershy Wed May 22, 2013 4:50 am
CamoBadger wrote:Chapter update:
I'm currently at 7K words, so almost done. As usual, worried as hell that I've screwed up something badly and will continue to be nervous about it forever.
Hey, hey Camo. When was the last time you screwed up?
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Re: Fallout Equestria: All That Remains
by Ketchup Thu May 23, 2013 2:28 am
Okay, this is actually for 8.
- Spoiler:
'nightfall'.When we finally reached the town just before night fall,
'Father' is used in the place of a name, as in the case of Shayle's. 'father' is appropriate for the label.After a few minutes, the colts’ Father looked up and trotted over to us.
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Re: Fallout Equestria: All That Remains
by Ketchup Fri May 24, 2013 12:40 am
Continuing with routine, chapter 9.
- sandy!:
I think 'here' may be better suited, as there isn't an indication of where she is talking about in that paragraph, and since it's in the present tense...Suddenly falling down there didn’t seem so bad, the others could drop off Tinker, Ruckus and Fracas, and when we met back up I would already have a bunch of supplies so we could go straight back to Caesar’s Stand.
Bah, I suck at that. Read the paragraph and decide, I dunno.
Looks like a question to me.Whatever, why were there so many of them!
Missing period.To make it more annoying, their cognitive abilities seemed to decay with each generation
'Sandys'. An apostrophe indicates ownership. Pluralizing names isn't something used often, but when used for my family's surname, it's 'Warmans'.The Sandy’s were more than happy to help me out in finding some things that I thought might be on the list Seer had.
Another instance of 'Sandy's', and an extra apostrophe.I didn’t’ know exactly what to request from the Sandy’s,
More 'Sandy's' are scattered throughout.
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Re: Fallout Equestria: All That Remains
by Ketchup Mon May 27, 2013 2:07 am
Only two little things spotted in chapter ten, starting to remember individual passages from when I had first read them.
- Spoiler:
'father', in this case.Even killing my Father the night I ran away from home had given me pause.
Two periods.No, I wouldn’t let her kill like that ever again..
- Spoiler:
- 'Sandy’s' appears again in the first paragraph.
'father'.It wasn’t degrading like what my Father did,
- Spoiler:
I'd consider removing the hyphen, and perhaps re-wording the sentence. I opine that the flow could be better.Charmer reached back and checked her shotgun one last time before falling in behind the beaded-mane ahead of us.
Also noticed that Minx was probably holding a flower... missed that first time around.
- Spoiler:
'eighth'Even though I had already been trying for a week to finish my latest project and was on my eight piece of paper,
And that's the torn flower. Damn it, this story hits hard in just the right places...
Missing quotation mark.“Do you have any friends back home? Or someone you spent a lot of time with?
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Re: Fallout Equestria: All That Remains
by Ketchup Wed May 29, 2013 3:02 am
And, done 14. Only spotted one possible thing.
Few stories have proven to be enjoyable time and again, and this is one of them, although it isn't finished.
My apologies for only pointing out mistakes and not giving real feedback this time through. It just doesn't feel right to comment on the story when you know what happens next.
- Spoiler:
'tightened the rope'?We found the rope tied around a half-decayed unicorn’s neck that leaned against the wall. Pushing the door only tightened the neck around the corpse, holding it shut in the most horrific way possible.
Few stories have proven to be enjoyable time and again, and this is one of them, although it isn't finished.
My apologies for only pointing out mistakes and not giving real feedback this time through. It just doesn't feel right to comment on the story when you know what happens next.
- compiled edit suggestions for 2-9:
- 2:
'any more', she's referring to a number, not a time.I just hoped there weren’t anymore.
There are a few places I'd add commas, but I tend to use a lot of them.
- 3:
- Not exactly sure if this is incorrect, but Charmer's snake nest is repeatedly called 'the Nest'. Way I see it, either have both capitalized or neither, as 'nest' isn't a proper noun.
I think 'lil' needs an apostrophe.“Hey baby, what’s a lil mare like you doin’ out here?”
- 4:
Quotation mark out of place.“I lifted my own hoof to shake with hers, grinning and happy to be out of the rain.
- 5:
'past' instead of 'passed'.“And what makes them think we can get passed the security?”
Ditto.“That means you might actually be able to help me get passed the security.”
'sight'.Instead, I caught site of a striped body dashing across the hall in front of the robot, barely ahead of the stream that nearly caught me.
Double space between 'to' and 'start'.When I turned back to start shooting again, I froze.
'fold-out board'.Seer rubbed her chin briefly before clicking at a pair of buttons on the fold-out-board.
'mushroom-shaped' may be better there than 'mushroom shaped'.At the top of the bulb was a small mushroom shaped thing with two red lights glowing on the front, staring down on us with mechanical malice.
- 6:
- 'the Nest' is repeated again in chapter 6.
'flute-playing'.“A rather feisty, flute playing mare?”
'Are you... feeling okay?' may fit better, I don't think a comma works as well as an ellipses there.“Are you, feeling okay?”
- 7:
'turned'I tuned and bolted after the others,
'two'and I froze at the sight of the last to slavers holding shotguns to the heads of two colts.
- 8:
'nightfall'.When we finally reached the town just before night fall,
'Father' is used in the place of a name, as in the case of Shayle's. 'father' is appropriate for the label.After a few minutes, the colts’ Father looked up and trotted over to us.
- 9:
I think 'here' may be better suited, as there isn't an indication of where she is talking about in that paragraph, and since it's in the present tense...Suddenly falling down there didn’t seem so bad, the others could drop off Tinker, Ruckus and Fracas, and when we met back up I would already have a bunch of supplies so we could go straight back to Caesar’s Stand.
Bah, I suck at that. Read the paragraph and decide, I dunno.
Looks like a question to me.Whatever, why were there so many of them!
Missing period.To make it more annoying, their cognitive abilities seemed to decay with each generation
'Sandys'. An apostrophe indicates ownership. Pluralizing names isn't something used often, but when used for my family's surname, it's 'Warmans'.The Sandy’s were more than happy to help me out in finding some things that I thought might be on the list Seer had.
Another instance of 'Sandy's', and an extra apostrophe.I didn’t’ know exactly what to request from the Sandy’s,
More 'Sandy's' are scattered throughout.
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Re: Fallout Equestria: All That Remains
by CamoBadger Wed May 29, 2013 2:02 pm
Thanks Ketchup, I'm going to start editting those things now.
Also, new chapter is completed and off to pre-read/brushies, so it'll be out today unless I need to burn it and start over (which I'll probably need to do because it's awful).
Also, new chapter is completed and off to pre-read/brushies, so it'll be out today unless I need to burn it and start over (which I'll probably need to do because it's awful).
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Re: Fallout Equestria: All That Remains
by Kippershy Wed May 29, 2013 3:44 pm
Oh yes, awful. Terrible. Camo, you should just stop writing now because you'll never write anything even close to a half decent story.
/sarcasm
/sarcasm
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Re: Fallout Equestria: All That Remains
by CamoBadger Wed May 29, 2013 4:20 pm
Finally someone gets it!
Also, new chapter is up on both the hub and FiMFic. I'm still working on editing old chapters, but wanted to get this out first.
So yeah, I hope ya'll enjoy it.
Also, new chapter is up on both the hub and FiMFic. I'm still working on editing old chapters, but wanted to get this out first.
So yeah, I hope ya'll enjoy it.
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Re: Fallout Equestria: All That Remains
by Kippershy Wed May 29, 2013 4:24 pm
Reading now (or about to).
How would you like me to show my appreciation if this isn't anywhere near as bad as you imagine?
How would you like me to show my appreciation if this isn't anywhere near as bad as you imagine?
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Re: Fallout Equestria: All That Remains
by Guest Wed May 29, 2013 4:36 pm
- Noticed this while reading:
- "only a few between them to check how the other was doing before the colt was back in his book."
I think it's supposed to be "a few words"?
Just thought I'd point it out now before I forgot.
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Re: Fallout Equestria: All That Remains
by RoboRed Wed May 29, 2013 5:03 pm
Done.
- Spoiler:
- Yikes. Gunships are bad news.
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Re: Fallout Equestria: All That Remains
by Kippershy Wed May 29, 2013 5:40 pm
More than likely been brought up by now but refreshing doesn't change it.
A small thing I thought I'd note for you:
A small thing I thought I'd note for you:
- Spoiler:
- "I couldn’t seem to look away or walk passed." past.
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Re: Fallout Equestria: All That Remains
by Guest Wed May 29, 2013 5:57 pm
- Spoiler:
- "Still, I couldn’t stand to see it go away, and quickly offered to keep it for Seer. Felix pointed out that it should be kept on the rifle like I thought, but Charmer’s argument quickly convinced him that she was right,"
I took notice of this a while ago, I guess there's nothing wrong with it but it's just odd to read the same word in quick succession. You tend to do it a couple times a chapter. This probably isn't a problem for the others but it's a little bit disruptive for me. I'm not sure why.
Now that's out of the way I absolutely loved seeing Shayle interact with charmer throughout the chapter. Especially the snack bit.
I was a little confused by the gun description. Weapon manufacturing if I remember correctly was an earth pony industry and the way Charmer's shotgun was described made it seem that the gun was made for unicorns and adapted for earth ponies at a later date.
Last edited by Last on Wed May 29, 2013 6:07 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Re: Fallout Equestria: All That Remains
by Ketchup Wed May 29, 2013 6:01 pm
Did a little as-read thought log.
- Spoiler:
- "Blood of the Fallen", huh? Let's see, Strike, Father, Seer, Doc, and numerous others have died so far. I wonder what it means.
P1
The first paragraph has what looks to be a callback:
Bringing to mind "spare the rod, spoil the child" with Shayle's monologue. Loss is something that is important to know how to deal with.It takes and takes, destroying everything you have, no matter how little you have left. It destroys all of it until nothing remains.
Ignorance is both a weakness and a blessing, let's say.
The psychological effects of rape are... interesting, to put it one way. Difficult to really fathom.
P2
Violation of trust, mind, body. Terrible.
Loss as a vehicle for finding oneself? Hmm. Interesting...
Hmm. Shayle's expression of how close she is to Felix calls back the dream of her joining the Scorpions for his sake.
Bad vibes.
I think that's the first multi-day skip in the story.
P3
Just... living. Just what could possibly go wrong...
P4
Hm, so Seer's assault rifle goes to the pony. Kinda ironic.
That damned ball again. Maybe it's a Shaman thing.
I wonder why it's cold, perhaps it's not enchanted and it merely reminds her of death subtly.
Why am I getting the feeling that Charmer will try to shoot Shayle... crazy mind, whatchu doin'?
And some details on the weapons in your incarnation. Nice.
P5
Hoof-tractor-beams got a giggle out of me. Actually, the whole scene did.
And then her head explodes with a crack from Xion's rifle.
P6
Fun with equine weapon-holding methods!
P7
Just enjoy the little things. The Wasteland more than compensates, Shayle.
Oh, that's a little feely.
P8
Place? Buried? Hmm.
Minx being Shayle's mother... I'm still not entirely convinced. It's silly of me.
P9
I half-expected Charmer to say something like "Why the hell did you keep it so long?!" and be angry.
Taken bodies but not the weapons. Perhaps wildlife.
P10
They are probably watching you right now, Shayle. Tee-hee.
Magic medicine is so much cleaner than real medical procedures.
P11
I wonder just when we'll learn why she avoids Hydra. Maybe Mama abused it? [/crackpot theory]
Now I'm itching to find out. Who else would say that to her? And... why?See? It’s all better.
P12
Sigh... "Rape is a special kind of evil".
P13
Thinking is dangerous Shayle.
Is Shayle unable to pick up emotions effectively? Is that the mental condition that's been alluded to? It would make sense, given her "upbringing", if you could call it that.
P14
Tinker and Charmer are a big issue. She has to get rid of them eventually, to stay in Caesar's Stand. They all know it, and it's getting more interesting as it develops.
Home is where the heart is.
Good question, Shayle, what are you missing, you enigma of a character...
P15
Nothing to say. Just eating. And that's fine.
P16
That got a giggle out of me.
Ah, now they've got no food. Fantastic. Charmer gets nothing out of her trials.
P17
Well, she's not using it...
Facepalm. Shayle, that means you can't.
P18
Now they'll be curious about your real past, Shayle. That's an exchange I look forward to.
Shayle keeping an eye on Tinker. That's kinda funny.
P19
It's a shame Shayle didn't have the sense to loot the weapons. That's caps.
P20
Ooh. Nice stinger, Felix. Mentioning Doc.
Shayle needs to explain things to Felix. Why she didn't date has an answer that wouldn't be welcomed by him, methinks.
P21
Maybe Shayle is worried that Felix is being taken away from her. He is her only ground.
That thudding might not be your heart, especially not the machine guns. Gunship...?
P22
Just what did they do on that mission... my experience with PH points me to conspiracy.
Gruesome carnage.
P23
And so, paradise is lost. All you've done is for nothing. I wonder where the Scorpions ended up, they didn't appear, oddly.
I spotted no typos, not that I expect to find them or was looking. There were a few places that were a little awkward, nothing of significance to me, though.It takes and takes, destroying everything you have, no matter how little you have left. It destroys all of it until nothing remains.
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