Sister forum[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by atikin Mon May 04, 2015 4:53 pm
Chapter 75a commentary...
- Spoiler:
Well, that was a hell of a chapter! I really liked it, although I didn't expect so many characters to sacrifice themselves to this war. Pretty sad... With every character going I always hope they will just pop out later being whole and healthy in some miraculous way, but I suppose it won't really happen. Somber is just being somber in the end of the book, and I presume it also reflects the events in his real life right now... Well, Somber, be strong and carry on! I won't say everything will be fine just by itself, but with your hard work you'll be able to make everything just fine!
Too bad I'm not American, so I won't be able to
meet you guys...
Anyway, I'm writing from my phone, so I won't post all the thoughts I had during the chapter now. It's kinda uncomfortable, you know. But I'll say a few things. Except some small mistakes here and there (like missing/double words, wrong spelling etc), there's one thing I don't quiet get :
How could Hammersmith possibly use his levitation after his horn been cracked? Is it some kind of mistake or am I missing something?Hammersmith brought the mallet down in an overhead blow, but Toaster ducked to the side and embraced the unicorn, the toasters blazing as he smashed his armored head into Hammersmith’s unarmored horn. The unicorn roared in agony as a crack ran right through the base of the spire and every bit of him not protected by his plate armor ignited...
... “Come on. Let’s get out of here,” Brutus rumbled. Hammersmith picked up Candlewick with his levitation and set him carefully on Brutus’ back...
The chapter ends just in a perfect point to be split, as always actually. It left me thrilled about what will come next.
Off-topic:
I also started reading the "Wasteland Bouquet" by your suggestions, and I really love it so far. May as well suggest it now! Easy and "light" to read. Most of chapters are short too, which I like, because I don't usually have time to read a lot in one sit...
Last edited by atikin on Mon May 04, 2015 5:01 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Mon May 04, 2015 5:57 pm
Hm. Point. Thanks. I don't think that, in this universe, a single crack would completely shut down levitation, but...atikin wrote:How could Hammersmith possibly use his levitation after his horn been cracked? Is it some kind of mistake or am I missing something?
- Okay, new version:
- “Come on. Let’s get out of here,” Brutus rumbled. Hammersmith picked up Candlewick with his levitation, not wincing at the crack in his horn, and set him carefully on Brutus’s back.
Good! :)atikin wrote:Off-topic:
I also started reading the "Wasteland Bouquet" by your suggestions, and I really love it so far. May as well suggest it now! Easy and "light" to read. Most of chapters are short too, which I like, because I don't usually have time to read a lot in one sit...
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by joltius Mon May 04, 2015 9:16 pm
What error did you fixed and how is text looks now?O. Hinds wrote:
I also fixed another error (a minor wording one) I spotted in the area, so thanks for that, too.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by atikin Tue May 05, 2015 12:55 am
O. Hinds wrote:
- Okay, new version:
Thanks, that makes more sense. Although I still think a crack in the horn with knock unicorn's magic out...
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by atikin Tue May 05, 2015 1:16 am
- One more thing... :
- “Shut up and let her save you. I’ll be right behind you,” Charity said. The canine leapt off in the direction of the chapel. Charity rose and took one look back at the home she’d made as it blazed. The numbers in the ledger in her head shifted. She was still in the red, but at least it was a little less than a few seconds ago. Now if only she could get some lastsecond improbable save like Blackjack managed when her rump was in the fire.
The narration here doesn't seems to be from Charity's point of view, because she calls herself by name (third person). It seems like this specific part is Charity's thoughts, but all the other parts of the "memory" are from Blackjack's pov. And if it's still Blackjack's pov, why would she call herself by name?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Tue May 05, 2015 1:20 am
joltius wrote:What error did you fixed and how is text looks now?
- Here's that area of text, though:
- “It’s not over yet, laddie,” Hammersmith replied, walking over to the smoldering body. “This is for not paying yer bloody bills, you sodding slag.” The steel sledge came down, pulverizing Toaster's immolated remains. Suddenly, the smoking remains exploded, showering the bearded pony with steaming bits of gore and bone.
Ah, thanks.atikin wrote:Thanks, that makes more sense.
Sorry.atikin wrote:Also I still think a crack in the horn with knock unicorn's magic out...
It's a blend of both, as I interpret it.atikin wrote:
- One more thing... :
The narration here doesn't seems to be from Charity's point of view, because she calls herself by name (third person). It seems like this specific part is Charity's thoughts, but all the other parts of the "memory" are from Blackjack's pov. And if it's still Blackjack's pov, why would she call herself by name?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by atikin Tue May 05, 2015 2:45 am
That's how that part looked like before the editing:
The steel mallet came down, pulverizing Toaster's immolated remains with his steel sledge.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by atikin Tue May 05, 2015 2:52 am
Nothing to be sorry about. It's just my thought.O. Hinds wrote:Sorry.atikin wrote:Also I still think a crack in the horn with knock unicorn's magic out...
Although Blackjack was able to use her magic wile her horn had been damaged on the moon, I think it's because of moon dust that stuck to it and helped her to do a last push. In this case, however, there's just a cracked horn with nothing to help it, so I'm not sure how he managed to do magic...
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Tue May 05, 2015 5:09 am
Ah, thanks.atikin wrote:That's how that part looked like before the editing:The steel mallet came down, pulverizing Toaster's immolated remains with his steel sledge.
Well, we don't know just how damaging a cracked horn is (in this universe), as far as I know.atikin wrote:Nothing to be sorry about. It's just my thought.O. Hinds wrote:Sorry.atikin wrote:Also I still think a crack in the horn with knock unicorn's magic out...
Although Blackjack was able to use her magic wile her horn had been damaged on the moon, I think it's because of moon dust that stuck to it and helped her to do a last push. In this case, however, there's just a cracked horn with nothing to help it, so I'm not sure how he managed to do magic...
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by ILM126 Tue May 05, 2015 8:54 am
decumos wrote:ILM126 wrote:Note: I am still reading, just found this...From Chapter 75a wrote:
“Eh, could be worse,” Rainbow replied as she dumped Storm Chaser across his back
her?Isn't she reffering to Chicanery?
Oh, never mind)
Yeah, she was.
Alright, I couldn't post what I have written so far for the mini review. I've got camp tomorrow (Wednesday) till Friday, but I will be working on the idea of TOM's trajectory and speed. Along with questions that still has to be answered... Over all... Really well done, a great clap to the FoE - PH story team ^^
See you all in 3 days time ^^
(Note: I finished reading the chapter 20 hours ago, I couldn't post it then it's because I stayed up to read the chapter... Till 2~3am? It's about 22:30 Tue here now...) :P
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by ILM126 Tue May 05, 2015 9:02 am
Also, Somber wrote that he might need some tiding up his Patreon account. I've got a Patreon account that I revised on it a few times and I've seen other user's profiles, so I know how to make a Patreon page look awesome ^^
At least, if that's alright for me to help? ^^"
At least, if that's alright for me to help? ^^"
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Luminous Lead Tue May 05, 2015 1:56 pm
O.Hinds wrote:Well, we don't know just how damaging a cracked horn is (in this universe), as far as I know.
I know in MN7 it caused wild losses of accuracy and possibly debilitating pain for Coral, but it worked (albeit only when everything in an area needed to be whipped around). As for this *universe* I don't expect it to be bound by the same continuity, but unless there's something definitive, that'll stay my headcannon.
- 75a:
- Goldenblood didn’t answer for several seconds. “You won’t succeed. Somepony will stop you.”
- 1984:
- Winston Smith: I know you'll fail. Something in this world... some spirit you will never overcome...
Villain: What is it, this principle?
Winston Smith: I don't know. The spirit of man.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Sat May 09, 2015 8:39 am
Not sure how I missed this before, sorry; thank you for the extra information.Luminous Lead wrote:I know in MN7 it caused wild losses of accuracy and possibly debilitating pain for Coral, but it worked (albeit only when everything in an area needed to be whipped around). As for this *universe* I don't expect it to be bound by the same continuity, but unless there's something definitive, that'll stay my headcannon.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Technowolf Mon May 11, 2015 1:08 pm
Eye tentacle penises
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by JadedPony Tue May 12, 2015 1:01 am
I can't tell if these are typos or if it's suppose to be Charity being shell shocked but they come across to me as typos.
You should dake your kids up to the bountains, Miss Harpica. Show them dhe reservoir. I’b sure they’d enjoy it.
I bow your foals probably would love a little trip to the lake, after being coobed up for so long,
You should dake your kids up to the bountains, Miss Harpica. Show them dhe reservoir. I’b sure they’d enjoy it.
I bow your foals probably would love a little trip to the lake, after being coobed up for so long,
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by JadedPony Tue May 12, 2015 1:20 am
Somber wrote:This is the shit that makes me want to stop writing.
https://www.reddit.com/r/falloutequestria/comments/33seik/is_murky_number_seven_over/cqr92nh
Is Horizons killing other fics?
What is killing MN7 is the massive breaks between postings and the story going three chapters without making very much progress towards things actually happening. MN7 has a good story but it's very disjointed and scattered randomly.
- MN7 Spoilers:
- Like the whole under-ground teleporty-mind-control thing. Why is that even in the story? Did you really need a zerbra super weapon to make a slave revolt and escape sound plausible? The story wouldn't have been interesting enough if the slaves just, you know, did it themselves without a mega-magical-MacGuffin? Just the story of slaves overcoming cruel masters by working together wasn't enough? I think it would have been enough.
See: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/MacGuffin
Project Horizons is falling to the same trap and it's made me lose interest in it. I use to look forward to it now I just read it when ever I think about it because so many of the good characters have been killed off and, forgive me if this seems presumptuous of me to dictate how things work in a fictional universe, I'm pretty sure your friends have to be ALIVE for you to work in harmony with them to stop the malignant evil god-rock that is only weakened by harmony.
Doing everything by yourself has worked so well for everyone in the history of Equestria, right? But hey, if your main character isn't smart enough to do it right then I guess blowing up half the planet to get the job done works to...?? Half a planet is better than no planet I guess. It reminds me of those episodes of MLP where Twilight left all her friends behind and solved the episode's problems by blasting ponies with magic.
MLP: Friendship is overrated.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Tue May 12, 2015 2:21 am
Neither; those are effects of the damage to her nose.JadedPony wrote:I can't tell if these are typos or if it's suppose to be Charity being shell shocked but they come across to me as typos.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Luminous Lead Tue May 12, 2015 2:48 pm
JadedPony wrote:I can't tell if these are typos or if it's suppose to be Charity being shell shocked but they come across to me as typos.
You should dake your kids up to the bountains, Miss Harpica. Show them dhe reservoir. I’b sure they’d enjoy it.
I bow your foals probably would love a little trip to the lake, after being coobed up for so long,
The clipboard snapped her nose when her assistant exploded. Then an adult thief kicked her in the face and then in the head. The blood likely flowed into her nose and disrupts her speech, because when Harpica leaves...
“Dho...” Charity muttered, watching her and then starting to stagger after her. The filly coughed and snorted the sticky blood from her nostrils. “No.”
Battle damage is nice to see. It's all well and good for a character to get shot in the shoulder, but when bleeding visibly disrupts speech that's a pretty neat detail.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by RoboRed Tue May 12, 2015 7:34 pm
- Spoiler:
- One by one, Blackjack loses more of the ponies she's known and cared for...*sigh*
I was sad to see Rainbow go. At least she went out awesomely. I wonder how they break the news to Fluttershy a decade from now.
Also, any scene involving the Mane Six statues was great.
I hope BJ, Sctoch, and Bastard don't start ripping out each other's throats before they finally land.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Tue May 12, 2015 9:26 pm
Shaggy dog-iest story ever.RoboRed wrote:
- Spoiler:
I was sad to see Rainbow go. At least she went out awesomely. I wonder how they break the news to Fluttershy a decade from now.
Also, any scene involving the Mane Six statues was great.
I hope BJ, Sctoch, and Bastard don't start ripping out each other's throats before they finally land.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Exodus Hero Wed May 13, 2015 4:39 am
swicked wrote:Shoot that dog :)Icy Shake wrote:Shaggy dog-iest story ever.RoboRed wrote:
- Spoiler:
I was sad to see Rainbow go. At least she went out awesomely. I wonder how they break the news to Fluttershy a decade from now.
Also, any scene involving the Mane Six statues was great.
I hope BJ, Sctoch, and Bastard don't start ripping out each other's throats before they finally land.
- I can see it now...:
- the missile swings back and knocks the rocket off course causing them to land in the zebra land or some shit and bastard and scotch die in the wreckage and BJ just looks at the horizon and sees the explosion from equestria.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Sun May 17, 2015 8:34 pm
![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 21 Somber11](https://i.servimg.com/u/f31/17/51/22/96/somber11.jpg)
And here’s Part Two!
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Somber Sun May 17, 2015 9:28 pm
Sorry that it's so bad...
also, made a tiny little tweak at the end...
also, made a tiny little tweak at the end...
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Guest Mon May 18, 2015 1:48 am
- Massive spoilers (to the best of my knowledge):
- Let me get this out of the way, I haven't read the chapters in a while. At this point I'm waiting for all the chapters to come out and I'm gonna power through it.
But because I don't really give a shit personally about spoilers I've been reading the ending to each chapter as they come. So maybe there's hints that BJ is misinformed or that solidify the ending to this chapter. I simply don't know.
I have one question, does death have no weight? Can't say for certain now, of course. Maybe Glory is going to be a deformed mutant and BJ is going to have to put her down. But I remember a while back the chapter where Snips skeleton along with a few other seemingly dead characters (namely Sanguine and Horse though free pass on horse) assissted BJ in getting back into her body. I also remember someone else complaining about the chapter and somber saying in response "I killed x amount of characters this chapter" (paraphrased of course) and among them he was clearly referring to both Sanguine and Snips. When in reality it appears that you brought them back to life only to kill them a second time, which is more like a negative number of characters killed.
One of which had a scene that was as close to as the author telling the reader directly "this character is dead" as you can get without the main character physically being there to examine the body.
Somber, I don't hate your story, in fact I hesitate saying this because I know how sensitive you appear to be about this work in particular. But this repeated pattern of killing off characters only to magic them back to life comes off as a cheap attempt to elicit emotion. I can't really think of a reason to do it other then the possibility of a lack of foresight. Like maybe you thought of scenes or roles for these characters post mortem that you wanted to implement. If that's the case I think the better option is shrugging your shoulders and finding another way, because as I said it comes off as a cheap attempt to elicit emotion.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by atikin Mon May 18, 2015 2:04 am
Where exactly can I get it? It's not available in your Google storage.O. Hinds wrote:And here’s Part Two!
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Mon May 18, 2015 2:23 am
That's odd; I've just testing the link through the hub page (while not logged in, just in case), and it worked fine. What specific problem are you seeing? The link just isn't there?atikin wrote:Where exactly can I get it? It's not available in your Google storage.O. Hinds wrote:And here’s Part Two!
edit: Here's a direct link, for your convenience. I'd still like to get that problem tracked down, though.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by atikin Mon May 18, 2015 2:28 am
The document with all the chapters listed is not up to date. There's no option to open part two at all.
Thanks for the direct link though.
Thanks for the direct link though.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Mon May 18, 2015 3:26 am
...That is very peculiar. You're using the hub page linked in my signature, right? This?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by atikin Mon May 18, 2015 4:03 am
Yeah, I used this page. But now there is a link to part two in there. I don't know what the problem was, but it's OK now. Thanks.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by WavemasterRyx Mon May 18, 2015 4:07 am
*nuzzles Somber and Hinds each just barely*
Really not a great commentary, I apologize... I still hope the move, and EFNW, and the patreon go well... I hope it's still around by the time I'm ever able to contribute.
- Chapter 75b Commentary:
"The cloth fell away, and the light shone silver off resplendent unicorns etched into a basket hilt and an elegant, slightly curving single-edged blade." - I thought immediately that this might be Blackjack's sword finally coming back, but the complete lack of recognition makes that seem doubtful.
"They both seemed to be getting something out of it." - Definitely not what I was expecting at all... I'm really not sure how I feel about it.
“The time for weeping will come later. You haven’t lost everything. You still have us.” - It's really sweet of them to keep supporting Whisper. A very tragic loss.
"glaring at me with her dark blue eyes... his eyes" - As far as I am aware, Scotch's eyes were supposed to be green, or at least it's been corrected that way in previous chapters... and it's really sad it would ruin this line.
"'I brought this icky thing.' The silver sword gleamed in her hooves." - Ah, there's Blackjack's sword.
For being a fight not involving Blackjack, I think Amadi's final stand was suitably "epic", if extremely sad. Definitely a shining moment for Whisper though.
And really, Velvet? Really?
"Morning Glory was alive!" - I was wondering if that was who she had connected to in the hospital. I doubted Rampage had ever worn a PipBuck, or that the moon ponies would have wanted to pull the plug, or say something like "skies only knows why".
It was every bit as depressing of a chapter as anticipated, but still very well written.
"Heartshine: This chapter. So much violence. Is there a talky, peaceful solution? Or is this the wrong crowd?" - Probably the wrong crowd, yeah. If you were looking for something more peaceful, I'd direct you to my stories, if I were a better writer.
Really not a great commentary, I apologize... I still hope the move, and EFNW, and the patreon go well... I hope it's still around by the time I'm ever able to contribute.
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