[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Found a few typos, don't know if anyone else found them yet (I've been living under a rock in Ghastly Gorge for the past two weeks, i.e., away on vacation without Internet and just returned. It's gonna take a while 'till I'm up to date)
- typos:
Google Docs wouldn't let me copy&paste things so I had to type it manually and it's quite possible I made a few typos.
(...)but unfortunately Gilda failed, and none know what became of her."(...)
Should probably be no one knows
(...) not the drilling sensation throbbing in my body, I could hear an low roar.(...)
a
(...)but misstepped and failed to knock him free(...)
I had to go back and read the last paragraph again to understand that "him" is Snips
"knock him free"? Is he stuck or why else would Blackjack have to knock him free? knock/push him aside/out of the way maybe?
(...)More than death, pain is the absolute worse possible thing. And fear of that pain is every bit terrible as the pain itself."(...)
worst
every bit as terrible
(...)In theory, anyway..." she said as a looked down at it.(...)
she?
(...)Whatever Proditor did to change their stripes(...)
Proditors
(...)whoever else is inside me!" she said as gestured to herself. "I like Mint-als. Is that because of the Twist inside me?(...)
as she gestured
because of Twist inside me?
(...)I sighed and sat, patting her shoulder with my remaining hand.(...)
forehoof?
(...)I looked over at the metal door and pushed my way though though.(...)
through though?
(...)or that Vanity had been able to beat off a mob with without the instrument getting scratched(...)
with it without
(...)"Ready... um... zebra?" The striped zebra gave a little grin and babbled something in zebra,(...)
Not really a mistake, but all zebras are striped, no need to highlight that.
(...)The rest of you, make sure you get those wagons and are ready to get us all the hell out of here."(...)
How the hell do they know there are wagons in there? I know it's called Garage, but they have no idea what's in there.
and be ready (or in case the wagons should be ready: and that they are)
(...)as the Warden swiped at Stygius, then loaded an shell with an orange band.(...)
a shell
Scootayay- Stallion/Mare
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
"none know" and "are ready" are both valid usages, and we've previously observed "Proditor" as the Equestrian plural of "Proditor" (and the correct Latin plural would, in any case, be "Proditores", if I am not mistaken). For pointing out the rest, however, I thank you.scootayay wrote:Found a few typos, don't know if anyone else found them yet (I've been living under a rock in Ghastly Gorge for the past two weeks, i.e., away on vacation without Internet and just returned. It's gonna take a while 'till I'm up to date)My thoughts on this chapter can be summarized in two words(at least for now): HOLY SHIT
- typos:
Google Docs wouldn't let me copy&paste things so I had to type it manually and it's quite possible I made a few typos.
(...)but unfortunately Gilda failed, and none know what became of her."(...)
Should probably be no one knows
(...) not the drilling sensation throbbing in my body, I could hear an low roar.(...)
a
(...)but misstepped and failed to knock him free(...)
I had to go back and read the last paragraph again to understand that "him" is Snips
"knock him free"? Is he stuck or why else would Blackjack have to knock him free? knock/push him aside/out of the way maybe?
(...)More than death, pain is the absolute worse possible thing. And fear of that pain is every bit terrible as the pain itself."(...)
worst
every bit as terrible
(...)In theory, anyway..." she said as a looked down at it.(...)
she?
(...)Whatever Proditor did to change their stripes(...)
Proditors
(...)whoever else is inside me!" she said as gestured to herself. "I like Mint-als. Is that because of the Twist inside me?(...)
as she gestured
because of Twist inside me?
(...)I sighed and sat, patting her shoulder with my remaining hand.(...)
forehoof?
(...)I looked over at the metal door and pushed my way though though.(...)
through though?
(...)or that Vanity had been able to beat off a mob with without the instrument getting scratched(...)
with it without
(...)"Ready... um... zebra?" The striped zebra gave a little grin and babbled something in zebra,(...)
Not really a mistake, but all zebras are striped, no need to highlight that.
(...)The rest of you, make sure you get those wagons and are ready to get us all the hell out of here."(...)
How the hell do they know there are wagons in there? I know it's called Garage, but they have no idea what's in there.
and be ready (or in case the wagons should be ready: and that they are)
(...)as the Warden swiped at Stygius, then loaded an shell with an orange band.(...)
a shell
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Meleagridis wrote:Had to skip comments because I gotta go to work before the new chapter, so I'm sorry if Co- Ci- Ca- if she already got this.O. Hinds wrote:
...How does that pronunciation arise?
In a word?
Gaelic. (Or should I say Goidelic?)
Confusing the anglicized world since 400.
That's right! Éirinn go Brách! The motto of the language is "At least it's not Welsh."
Great chapter overall. I'm glad I could for the first time experience it "live." I was giddy this morning and went out to the park to read it on my iPad.
Some disjointed thoughts:
- Spoiler:
- A few things I have to say: Personally I'm not a huge fan of the endless action. I know it has to be there but sometimes I feel it runs a little too long, not a big deal but personally I'm more of a fan of the plot development and interactions of the characters. This isn't really a criticism as much as it stating stuff I like.
Also, can we assume that Blackjack is related to Rarity considering the out of nowhere flashback memories and possibly her ability to play Octavia's contrabass well (considering P-21 and others couldn't really do jack with it) because of her presence during the soul-split? Other hints seem to conclude the putting of friends before themselves. I guess this is a little obvious but whatever.
Once again I simply love any interaction between BJ and Rampage. They work off each other so well and really are tortured BFFs. Also can someone explain Rampage's "Pinks" nickname for Blackjack? I know it was stated somewhere but I can't remember the context.
Definitely cheers to the editors as well. That little end note brought a smile to me. Such dedication!
Death cliffhanger is interesting, though not as dramatic as last time. Honestly I'm waiting for the next chapter to open with Glory bringing BJ back to life by beating the tar out of her for all the stupid mistakes she's done on her "alone" time followed eventually by another hawt scene loveydubby scene. ;)
One interesting thing I noted is that one of Blackjack's biggest faults is caring about her friends too much. This is fairly obvious but BJ internalizes it to a point where she seems eager to subvert the free will of others and their own decisions, showing her to be almost too controlling in times of great stress. Her selfishness is brought up quite often but this can develop into a really dangerous precedent for others around her. Someone mentioned (though denied by Somber) that Blackjack's virtue would be "sacrifice," but this can't be so if BJ is unwilling to accept the sacrifice of others. If anything, I'm willing to bet her virtue is simply "luck," and it matches her cutie mark well. Can't discount the obvious, even BJ knows it! I'll have to go back and delve further into this but it's a pretty big deal.
Also interesting to note the lack of Dealer interjection this time.
At any rate, bravo on another fine installment, Somber. Nothing terribly deep to say now but I figure my brain will develop some interesting analysis soon.
Caoimhe- Alicorn
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
So, this time I didn't do a reading review because I completely forgot to do it to begin with and was already quite some way into the chapter before I realised.
I'm very sorry Somber, I really hadn't meant to forget that - I know how much in depth reviews mean to you.
However, I can give you my review now I've finally finished after god knows how much distraction.
The chapter was utterly amazing, it went from piece of action to piece of action with a bit of backstory to stop it being over the top.
Your writing always amazes me and makes me wish I was a better writer myself, your imagination is simply incredible.
The idea of a set of ghouls fighting for 200 years is hilarious, non stop fighting to the death when really - they'll never die because they just can't do enough damage fast enough.
I wasn't so sure at first about you making the flaming ghouls a lot easier to kill - though you could easily put that down to concentrated fire, understanding the enemy and hey; the first one could've just been naturally tougher.
I very, very, very much liked Dues' backstory part - wanting to see Twist again so that he could apologise was moving, to say the least.
Hightower has been amazing to visit, dangerous as all hell and definitely not a good place for Blackjack, but I've loved it and I've loved all the information we've gotten about everything past and present.
I honestly do hope you'll take the next chapter back to chapel - please.
Blackjack will need Glory, Glory needs to beat on Blackjack for fucking another pony, Pyscho needs time to 'get further acquainted' with Styggie, Rampage needs a rest, Lacunae needs that kiss from Blackjack
(any artist who draws this, you'll win my heart. Have it so Blackjack kisses Lacunae and Lac just blushes?)
and yeah. Blackjack NEEDS the rest now. That was the one thing I absolutely could not fucking stand about Littlepip - she never fucking stopped for five minutes. it was always the next thing, the next thing, the next thing.
Another chance to rest would be brilliant.
The end of the warden reeked of dues ex machina, but don't take this as complaining in the least;
I'm actually not someone who hates dues ex machina's AS LONG AS they're done tastefully.
A shark coming out of nowhere and eating the bad guy is not tasteful.
The OIA telling the warden that Blackjack is essential and that he has to let her go, shooting him when he doesn't? You can (and will) be using that as a plotline point in the future - it'll make for an interesting plot-piece when it comes up and has it's revelation, so yeah, I like it.
Again, wonderful chapter - truly something.
Best of luck to you with the move; I hope you'll let us all know how it goes and IF YOU NEED HELP, FUCKIN' TELL US. Okay?
We're all here for you, we all adore you, we'll all do whatever we can to help you - I'm sure there's some locals who'd help you move in or something, or give you a tour of the area or SOMETHING to help out.
Same goes for financially - we'll all help that way given the chance.
I'll be donating in a minute.
Anyway, best of luck to you.
Thank you for making this truly indescribably brilliant story; I'm going to miss it while you're gone but I do look forward to the next instalment once you come back, ever so much so.
I'm very sorry Somber, I really hadn't meant to forget that - I know how much in depth reviews mean to you.
However, I can give you my review now I've finally finished after god knows how much distraction.
The chapter was utterly amazing, it went from piece of action to piece of action with a bit of backstory to stop it being over the top.
Your writing always amazes me and makes me wish I was a better writer myself, your imagination is simply incredible.
The idea of a set of ghouls fighting for 200 years is hilarious, non stop fighting to the death when really - they'll never die because they just can't do enough damage fast enough.
I wasn't so sure at first about you making the flaming ghouls a lot easier to kill - though you could easily put that down to concentrated fire, understanding the enemy and hey; the first one could've just been naturally tougher.
I very, very, very much liked Dues' backstory part - wanting to see Twist again so that he could apologise was moving, to say the least.
Hightower has been amazing to visit, dangerous as all hell and definitely not a good place for Blackjack, but I've loved it and I've loved all the information we've gotten about everything past and present.
I honestly do hope you'll take the next chapter back to chapel - please.
Blackjack will need Glory, Glory needs to beat on Blackjack for fucking another pony, Pyscho needs time to 'get further acquainted' with Styggie, Rampage needs a rest, Lacunae needs that kiss from Blackjack
(any artist who draws this, you'll win my heart. Have it so Blackjack kisses Lacunae and Lac just blushes?)
and yeah. Blackjack NEEDS the rest now. That was the one thing I absolutely could not fucking stand about Littlepip - she never fucking stopped for five minutes. it was always the next thing, the next thing, the next thing.
Another chance to rest would be brilliant.
The end of the warden reeked of dues ex machina, but don't take this as complaining in the least;
I'm actually not someone who hates dues ex machina's AS LONG AS they're done tastefully.
A shark coming out of nowhere and eating the bad guy is not tasteful.
The OIA telling the warden that Blackjack is essential and that he has to let her go, shooting him when he doesn't? You can (and will) be using that as a plotline point in the future - it'll make for an interesting plot-piece when it comes up and has it's revelation, so yeah, I like it.
Again, wonderful chapter - truly something.
Best of luck to you with the move; I hope you'll let us all know how it goes and IF YOU NEED HELP, FUCKIN' TELL US. Okay?
We're all here for you, we all adore you, we'll all do whatever we can to help you - I'm sure there's some locals who'd help you move in or something, or give you a tour of the area or SOMETHING to help out.
Same goes for financially - we'll all help that way given the chance.
I'll be donating in a minute.
Anyway, best of luck to you.
Thank you for making this truly indescribably brilliant story; I'm going to miss it while you're gone but I do look forward to the next instalment once you come back, ever so much so.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
"Pinks" was a word used to refer to M.o.M agentsCaoimhe wrote:
Once again I simply love any interaction between BJ and Rampage. They work off each other so well and really are tortured BFFs. Also can someone explain Rampage's "Pinks" nickname for Blackjack? I know it was stated somewhere but I can't remember the context.
Theta- Colt/Filly
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Ah, I knew it had something to do with that.
Also Kippershy's post reminded me, I do love that Doof gets "humanized" more as things goes on. With Blackjack's constant fear of turning into the monster of Deus, it's good to see development of Doof the pony. It also continues the trend of there being two sides to every villain and makes Goldenblood all the more mysterious and otherworldly at the same time.
Also I agree, BJ needs another break. Hightower seemed almost as brutal as Hippocratic. I can only imagine what Shadowbolt Tower would be like.
...and I completely forgot to comment on the big laser from the Core and the mysterious accompanying voice. That's some serious shit. BJ didn't even get a moment to whine about her brain needing to figure out yet another mystery this time!
I'm so glad I have PH to gush over, I feel like I finally understand what my coworkers who went crazy over stupid Twilight novels were going through between releases (though I'm not comparing the two). :)
Also Kippershy's post reminded me, I do love that Doof gets "humanized" more as things goes on. With Blackjack's constant fear of turning into the monster of Deus, it's good to see development of Doof the pony. It also continues the trend of there being two sides to every villain and makes Goldenblood all the more mysterious and otherworldly at the same time.
Also I agree, BJ needs another break. Hightower seemed almost as brutal as Hippocratic. I can only imagine what Shadowbolt Tower would be like.
...and I completely forgot to comment on the big laser from the Core and the mysterious accompanying voice. That's some serious shit. BJ didn't even get a moment to whine about her brain needing to figure out yet another mystery this time!
I'm so glad I have PH to gush over, I feel like I finally understand what my coworkers who went crazy over stupid Twilight novels were going through between releases (though I'm not comparing the two). :)
Last edited by Caoimhe on Sun Jul 22, 2012 8:15 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
One last thing; not P.H related, but I made a PHCC Day Z thread over in the games section for us, so we have a dedicated thread for it.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Really liked the new chapter, especially Snails. I don't know why I just really liked that scene.
@Caoimaiachvavash: the nickname "pinks" for cops comes from the MoM, being a reference to Pinkie Pie and her spies and enforcers and such
@Somber: job possibilities? Great! Somber around impressionable children? I may have some reservations... I kid of course I'm sure with your apparent intellect you will be a great teacher.
- Spoiler:
- My biggest question is wasn't there a mountain in between the core and the prison? So how did the core shoot a laser at the warden? I probably have no idea what I'm talking about but whatever. So kills in Hightower: Snips, Graves, and possibly Blackjack. All things considered that turned out better than expected. Plus new party member slow necromancer. Definitely useful in the Hoof. Also a small personal army of ghoul guards, who will only sort of hate you for lying to them. Unfortunately, they will probably all move to Meatlocker, because we can't make things too easy for Blackjack. Anyways great chapter as always, keep up the good work Somber & co.
@Caoimaiachvavash: the nickname "pinks" for cops comes from the MoM, being a reference to Pinkie Pie and her spies and enforcers and such
@Somber: job possibilities? Great! Somber around impressionable children? I may have some reservations... I kid of course I'm sure with your apparent intellect you will be a great teacher.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Thoughts on chapter.
- Spoiler:
- Page 1
Remember trouble with the warhead, which they are about to deal with. Maybe.
Half an hour till detonation? Very bad indeed.
I had wondered what Cerberus' flying capacity was. We might just find out.
Is it just me, or is modifying the IFF on a ghoul-hating robot a bad idea?
Xanthe took up Glory's position as team scientist.
No more page numbers, I see.
Page 2
The soul curse on Blackjack is having a considerable effect now. Not good. "Not good" seems to describe a lot of events in the story, but not the story itself.
I don't remember what the laser was hooked up to, but SBs have less power. Hopefully still useful against the fire ghouls.
Contracts, pride, mercenaries, all soldiers. Neat.
Page 3
Carrion's history is interesting. I wonder what became of his children.
Shifty is Ahuizotl's real name. Hah.
I wonder why Shifty having done dealings with zebras is of interest to Blackjack, though the aswer is probably simple enough.
Oh, Tulip's murder might have been perpetrated by the Remnant, but why didn't they attack Blackjack instead? Because she wasn't helpless?
Crazy zebra stuff.
Page 4
Well, her description of NMM somewhat resembles Blackjack's actions.
Luck isn't always great.
Well, it is certainly is probable that Blackjack could kill anypony there. But she'd never start it.
Page 5
Her head is talking to her. And they aren't very nice.
Except for Lacunae's voice. Must have something to do with The Goddess overall, I guess.
Remnants are present in Meatlocker. Very bad.
Page 6
Oh good, sword is back in Blackjack's hooves. Well, I think that's good, anyway.
Evidently, Cerb's flying is fairly limited.
Page 7
Flamer incoming. 12.7 barely effective, good. Lets see how the new laser goes.
That was easier than the last, for sure.
Carrion is a pretty heroic character, I say.
Some of them are still sane. Poor bastards.
Page 8
Another flamer. Very bad.
They lost the laser. Not good.
Wonder who gets the pipbuck next.
Just how ARE they going to get in the armory now?
Page 9
Use flamers to open the armory? Sounds difficult, but it might work.
Or use the muck? By insulting it through the drain? Sounds even more dangerous.
Doof's cell. Neat, but doesn't really matter.
Here comes the smooze.
Page 10
They melted the flamers with the sludge, which then leaves a very powerful residue. Okay, this works.
Melted through, but Lacunae is stuck outside of the armory. Splitting up. Hope she'll be fine.
Page 11
Lacunae might be dead. Might not be. We shall see.
Getting rage-reckless. A most dangerous Blackjack form indeed.
Page 12
Xanthe defended her from Rampage's accusation. I find this odd, I'd expect her to say nothing or cower.
Rampage is fighting with herself. Physically. Very bizarre.
Page 13
Somehow, this all seems familiar with the talisman. Just a few more names thrown in.
Page 14
Shujaa got the talisman to resist the soul corruption thingy? Interesting.
Somehow, finally, Rampage. Her appearance is a mix of the last two hosts, Shujaa and Twist.
Mmmm... wafers...
Page 15
"Sneaking now."
She disabled the inhibitor. Good show!
Sounds like Doof didn't behave in prison.
Page 16
Aww, no access to the gun vault. Pity.
Ghouls eternally fighting. And it looks like they cannot be reasoned with.
Raindrops? SWAT? Reasoning?
Page 17
Maybe the screaming being heard is the Enervation, or literal screams of the prisoners.
Page 18
The Captain might be hard to deal with.
Dead. Found rest, I guess he's lucky in a way.
The guards appear to be completely oblivious to the amount of time that has gone by.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Eh? To what kiss do you refer?Kippershy wrote:Lacunae needs that kiss from Blackjack
See Chapter 42.ketchup504 wrote:I wonder why Shifty having done dealings with zebras is of interest to Blackjack, though the aswer is probably simple enough.
Xanthe was saying that Blackjack wasn't berserk. Xanthe has seen Blackjack berserk (the whole "kill me with my own bones" thing not being hyperbole), and this isn't it.ketchup504 wrote:Xanthe defended her from Rampage's accusation. I find this odd, I'd expect her to say nothing or cower.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
O. Hinds wrote:Eh? To what kiss do you refer?Kippershy wrote:Lacunae needs that kiss from Blackjack
Project Horizons Chapter 48 wrote:
Lacunae was alive, and wonderful! If I didn’t have a great big hole in me, I’d have leapt up and kissed her!
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
So far, a kiss from Blackjack is a sure sign you will not die. Next time she needs to line up all her friends Patton style and plant a wet one on each before going into certain death.
Edit: Another significant note: No "Game Over" this time!
Edit: Another significant note: No "Game Over" this time!
Last edited by Caoimhe on Sun Jul 22, 2012 5:55 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Ah, thanks.Vergil wrote:O. Hinds wrote:Eh? To what kiss do you refer?Kippershy wrote:Lacunae needs that kiss from BlackjackProject Horizons Chapter 48 wrote:
Lacunae was alive, and wonderful! If I didn’t have a great big hole in me, I’d have leapt up and kissed her!
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
So it won't be long before she starts beating people to death with their own skull?O. Hinds wrote:Xanthe was saying that Blackjack wasn't berserk. Xanthe has seen Blackjack berserk (the whole "kill me with my own bones" thing not being hyperbole), and this isn't it.ketchup504 wrote:Xanthe defended her from Rampage's accusation. I find this odd, I'd expect her to say nothing or cower.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Aonee wrote:So it won't be long before she starts beating people to death with their own skull?O. Hinds wrote:Xanthe was saying that Blackjack wasn't berserk. Xanthe has seen Blackjack berserk (the whole "kill me with my own bones" thing not being hyperbole), and this isn't it.ketchup504 wrote:Xanthe defended her from Rampage's accusation. I find this odd, I'd expect her to say nothing or cower.
That doesn't seem physically possible!
If you get this I love you
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
"THIS DOESN'T SEEM PHYSICAL POSSIBLE!"
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Amazing chapter, really enjoyed it.
Tried to stay up for it, but alas I could not. (Birthday today could not stay up too late)
Now to the more important matter. Somber, good luck with your journey and the hardships that may come with it. Take care of yourself don't worry about us or the story until you have everything sorted out and set in stone, you know we love you. And most important of all, try not to stress. This is just another big chapter in your life, we all have huge changes once in a while in our lives.
Good Luck and happy trails!
Tried to stay up for it, but alas I could not. (Birthday today could not stay up too late)
- Spoiler:
- Lacunae's "death" was certainly a shocker. Although my inner troper knew that it certainly was not permanent. Although I did not expect is as a test from The
Great and Powerful BitchGoddess.
Now to the more important matter. Somber, good luck with your journey and the hardships that may come with it. Take care of yourself don't worry about us or the story until you have everything sorted out and set in stone, you know we love you. And most important of all, try not to stress. This is just another big chapter in your life, we all have huge changes once in a while in our lives.
Good Luck and happy trails!
iLateralGX- Ursa Minor
- Posts : 444
Brohoof! : 16
Join date : 2012-06-28
Age : 29
Location : Lexington, KY
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Alright time to type up a chapter review, for another epic chapter.
Another amazing chapter, of an amazing story. Thank you, Somber, and the entire editing team. For devoting your time and energy to produce such an epic piece of literature.
Somber, we wish you the best of luck with your move and take as much time as you need to get yourself taken care of. We won't mind waiting for the next chapter for how ever long it takes, and we'll help you out the best we can. Once again, good luck and have fun!
- Spoiler:
I have to agree with Carrion, about BJ being an awesome commander. I mean she went through what was essentially a hell on earth, with two deaths and one injured enough to have to RTB. So, that's not too bad.
Lacunae's "death" was heart breaking, but when she came back at the end, it was so worth it. Especially finding out that was so the The Goddess could give BJ a skill assessment.
“Lacunae?”
I thought at her. “Lacunae?” I said aloud as I tried to push my brain to hers. Nothing but the Enervation static. “Lacunae!” I screamed as
loud as I could. - This reminded me of MGS, pretty sure that was the reference anyways.
The ghoul guards are awesome, it's sad that Raindrops went feral, but at least Blossomforth made it. So yay!
Heh, BJ and Co. pretending to be a SWAT team was awesome. Just pure awesome. she really needs to stop lying to delusional ghoul's though, it's probably going to come back and bite her later.
Snips chose a helluva of way to go, I mean he still messed up and put a curse on BJ that he couldn't remove, but still helluva a way to go.
Damn, Kingpin had it made. Which, just confirms my early suspicions of him being, Equstria's Al Capone. So, bravo, Somber. That has to be one of the coolest references I've ever read.
Doof's back story, was perfect. It explained really well, how he became Deus, and it was just epic.
Poor Snails, trapped for two centuries in hell, waiting for your friend, then when help finally does come, he's dead.
and of course he can't remove the curse, wonderful. Sometimes Bj, just has the worst luck.
The warden, just damn, and the music choice for the showdown was just epic, if fit the battle perfectly.
Giant, green beam of death out of no where to deliver the finishing blow to best that was the warden. Now, this just adds one more mystery onto BJ's never ending list.
Another amazing chapter, of an amazing story. Thank you, Somber, and the entire editing team. For devoting your time and energy to produce such an epic piece of literature.
Somber, we wish you the best of luck with your move and take as much time as you need to get yourself taken care of. We won't mind waiting for the next chapter for how ever long it takes, and we'll help you out the best we can. Once again, good luck and have fun!
Last edited by guarddogjr on Mon Jul 23, 2012 12:11 am; edited 1 time in total
Guest- Guest
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
- Ch. 48 Comments:
Chapter 47: Hightower
Chapter 48: Inferno
The Hightowering Inferno?
“There’re four fuel pods. As the lowest heats up, the fuel that isn’t on fire will boil and eventually breach the pod above it, spreading the fire even more and accelerating--”
The color coding indicates when each log will fire. Green, yellow, and red. Each detonation will be accompanied by a sudden burst of acceleration!
“Half an hour? An hour at most,” Xanthe whimpered.
Soundtrack: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E5wqIafRKms
I won’t kill young, nor will I lie. No order, no threat, no bribe will make me do so. To do otherwise would violate my Contract.
Unless he was lying when he said that! :D
“In Meatlocker, he sold my Contract to the bartender to pay his tab. I’ve been Shifty’s servant ever since.”
Yeah, that sounds more like it. So... suppose that someone one-shotted Ahuizotl before Carrion could react. Does his contract instantaneously end?
Not that it matters. I have this suspicion that Ahuizotl will accidentally violate or end the contract once he gets his hooves on whatever it is he wanted, and Carrion will happily ventilate him at that point.
“One of the ghouls is our agent,”
Still doesn't explain why the Remnant would want Tulip dead...
Rain was pouring down outside; it looked like late afternoon.
Assuming that escaping from Steel Rain, getting to Meatlocker, and Hightower have all happened on the same day, we're just a couple hours shy of T-8 days. (Please do let me know if they took spent a night in Meatlocker.)
“You’re nothing but an unstable short chain molecule!”
Post-apocalyptic G4 My Little Ponies are taunting the Smooze with Ghostbusters quotes.
...I love this fic. (I'm proud to be a part of it!)
Then there was a flash of red, then darkness and the scream of Enervation.
Not dead till I see a corpse! Or... ash.
“Rampage. There is no Rampage. No Arloste. I’m just a half dozen ponies squished together in one jar.”
That's funny, I seem to be talking to somepony right now...
SWAT? What the heck was… oh, my armor. Well, I knew one answer that would save me a lot of questions.
Heh. Good choice. Also, new members for the Meatlocker security force!
“My name is Blossomforth.”
I don't even know why I'm surprised anymore...
Then there was a resounding thud as the door was knocked clear off its hinges and flew into the apartment. Rarity gasped as she turned to stare at the empty doorframe. A second later a little white bunny hopped in and fixed Rarity with a stern glare.
Oh. So that's why they call him "Doombunny"...
“Oh... heh... supposed to say ‘Be Pleasant...’ whoopsie...”
Okay, that really made me laugh.
“Right... lift the lockdown... warden’s terminal... sure...easy peasey faciley...”
Bilingual Bonus!
“Ready... um... zebra?” The striped mare gave a little grin and babbled something in zebra, but saluted smartly... and then gave a surprised look at the hoof at her temple.
Ready, suit?
Then he silenced her with a hoof-curling kiss.
Yaaaaaay!
Over the speakers, an ominous melody began to play.
Nice choice. Guess the warden's a fan of Mooseorgsky.
The desks and furniture and a half dozen sentry bots had been fused into a carapace-like armor that vaguely resembled some sort of uniform.
The thing’s mouth split in a volcanic grin as he stretched his forehooves wide, and then two great skeletal wings wreathed in flame spread from one side of the room to the other.
Shit, no wonder you picked Bald Mountain for the theme music here! Damn!
“Take out his hooves, Carrion!”
Wait, are we playing Fallout, Final Fantasy, Zelda, or Metroid?
And my fears were quickly realized; as the Warden shielded his face with one leg while his other hoof ripped at a hunk of his own armor, scraping off the metal in a heap of scrap, and then it threw the jagged spray of shrapnel right at Carrion.
Okay, he changed tactics at the halfway point. I've narrowed it down to Zelda or Metroid.
(So awesome! )
Then a massive spar of metal sticking from the end of a blazing hoof lanced out of the smoke and impaled me right through the middle.
I want to make entirely clear the precise kind of bastard you are, Somber.
This line appeared right at the bottom of a page. Specifically, the page break was right before "impaled me".
I thought you were about to pull a Joss Whedon on Styggie, and I had to actually scroll down to find out otherwise! You have no idea how glad I am it was BJ instead, terrible as that sounds.
(Anyway, I know Lacunae's not dead and gonna teleport her to safety in a second.
In just a second.
Aaaaaany second now.)
“Warden Hobble, this is the O.I.A,” a voice said over the PA system speakers, synthetic and masculine-sounding. It made us both freeze. “We would like you to release the mare in your custody. She is one of our operatives, investigating a threat to the kingdom for us, and beyond your jurisdiction.” Was it Watcher? It sounded like Watcher, amplified a hundred times...
Okay, now THAT? That sounds like Goldenblood.
I couldn’t do anything but smile as she hauled me up and tossed me over her shoulders. The beating she’d endured had smashed her spines flat. She walked along the smoking steel beams towards the nearest edge and set me down beside the Warden’s terminal.
"I'm glad to be with you, Rampage... here, at the end of all things."
> Next waypoint: Shadowbolt Command, Shadowbolt Tower, Hoofington.
Oh, shit. That's gonna be a doozy.
“It seems the lockdown was lifted,” Lacunae said in my mind as she pulled Rampage and myself up towards her.
I love being right. ^_^ Now let's make like balefire bomb and blow this joint!
Within me, the curse gave a sudden lurch, and I felt something fundamental inside me break. It was as if I were slipping out of myself and drifting away on a stiff breeze. I tried to fight, but there wasn’t anything left for me to hold onto. A strange current was sweeping me away. Lacunae was shouting. Snails was talking about boats. And then I felt something familiar...
I'd say it's about time to go say hello to the Goddess, face to face to face to face to...
Author’s note: I write this at 1 AM for me, 4AM for Hinds, and 9AM for Bro and Snipehamster. That’s right, my editors stay up to see Celestia raise the sun working on this. They’re incredible, and deserve a round of applause.
*applause!*
- Editing:
It’s been so long since I’d been happy. So long…
That should be "It had been".
a purple glow surrounded the robot, slowing his descent slowed as he leveled out.
slowing his descent until he leveled out?
The flaming one walked slowly through the smoke towards us, inhaling as it drew another breath to blast me.
It inhaled as it drew a breath?
Instead of taking it, I look cover like a sensible pony and let Carrion step out and blast it with his miniguns.
took cover
“Looks like the rest of my team is here. We’re going to… arrest the Warden and evacuate as many ponies as we can. My ass was starting to get toasty sitting on the metal floor.
Missing close-quote
Rarity looked at her a moment, then smiled and shook her head. “No. No this is for me and my friends.”
Should be "No. No, this..."
She appeared aloft as if lifted by the shadows themselves.
Word missing, I think.
Two centuries of direct exposure to the warhead had caused the ghoul to swell to Goliathian proportions.
I'm not sure that's actually a word... you should just use "goliath proportions" (note lower case).
SilentCarto- Alicorn
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Join date : 2012-05-08
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Location : Texas
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
You know, that's what he said to, ahhh good old RvB.Vergil wrote:Aonee wrote:So it won't be long before she starts beating people to death with their own skull?O. Hinds wrote:Xanthe was saying that Blackjack wasn't berserk. Xanthe has seen Blackjack berserk (the whole "kill me with my own bones" thing not being hyperbole), and this isn't it.ketchup504 wrote:Xanthe defended her from Rampage's accusation. I find this odd, I'd expect her to say nothing or cower.
That doesn't seem physically possible!
If you get this I love you
Cptadder- Alicorn
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Okay my first commentary, here goes nothing:
wow, that was long, guess the way I format my comments makes it super long, oh well
EDIT:
- Spoiler:
- >“Half an hour? An hour at most,”
oh dear, only a half hour, they'd better get a move on
good to see Blackjack taking command, and she says she isn't a leader...
>All griffins are soldiers.
that explains a lot
>Our Contract is a reflection of who we are and what we will and won’t do.
so the entire Griffin race are loyal to the literal contract, interesting philosophy
>t sounded like griffins were creeping up on zebras for weirdest species ever.
yeah, an entire race of super loyal mercenaries who'll do anything the contract holder says, eeyup, pretty creepy, though awesome to have on your side
>“Shifty? I thought you worked for Ahuizotl.”
He just shrugged. “They’re one and the same."
ah, so that's Ahulizotl's real name
oh dear, the Remnant is operating inside Meatlocker, so that explains who killed Tulip
>“Because you are scary. There’s not a single one of us that isn’t afraid of you on some damned level. You’re a fucking cyborg mutant death mare who could probably kill every single one of us if she wanted to. You talk to shit that isn’t there, know things no fucking pony should ever know, and you keep going on. Why the fuck shouldn’t she think of you as Nightmare Moon? Why the fuck shouldn’t everyone?”
she's right Blackjack, you are damn scary
>I fell to my knees and clenched my eyes shut.
Blackjack's getting even more crazy, this can't be good
>Four down. About four hundred to go between here and the armory door.
oh shit, that's a lot of ghouls
>The beam gun sparked and died even as the flaming ghoul crumbled.
“Oh please tell me I can fix it! Please! Please!” the zebra fretted as she looked it over. Carrion, his feathers blackened and fur smoking, just looked slightly indignant as she fussed beside him.
no, why'd he have to die? oh, he didn't die, whoops
lolz over Xanthe worrying over the beam gun and not over Carrion
>Then she disappeared in a sheet of blue fire. She didn’t even get a chance to scream as she curled up like a lump of charcoal.
someone needs to count the number of times Rampage has 'died' in this story
>‘Doof’, and immediately below that, ‘Deus’.
it's a small world...
>Then the bilious blue sludge erupted out and began to pour across the floor.
the Smooze is back for round 3...
>The smooze flooded over them, boiling and blackening and letting out a noxious reek that made me gag. The ghouls struggled, raising melting heads as the entire concoction cooked into a blackened tarlike mud. Even the smooze seemed to find the three a little too spicy for its taste, the blue sludge disappearing back into the corroded toilet. The smoking mess left behind was so destructive that it was eating into the concrete floor.
hmm, using your enemies against each other
>“There isn’t. Now go. I’ll see you on the roof.”
NOOOO, not Lacunae!
>“I think I’m losing my mind, Blackjack. I think… I think…” Suddenly she hung her head. “I deserve to die. Please…” She cursed in zebra and smashed her head again against the wall with another crunch. “Silence!” Then she laughed again, high and harsh, “Oh we are so fucked! We are so fucking fucked!”
wow, and I thought Blackjack was crazy
>“Tell me everything about that talisman inside Rampage. Specifically.”
yay, exposition!
and some exposition it is
>Doof spent half his life in this box and the other in the only slightly-less-cramped cell below. For three years.
poor Doof...
>but in the last year there was the ominous addition of ‘rape’ on the list as well, but oddly only in the last year or so. All the entries before that were for fighting.
interesting...
>It seemed that ghouls had a tendency to get stuck on certain things from when they were alive.
an interesting fact about ghouls, might the radiation make their mind simpler, maybe?
>“Special Weapons and Arcane Tactics doesn’t mess around,”
gotta loves acronyms adjusted for ponies
>Not hard, just smash it. Then I’ll teleport up to you. Easy as pie.”
still seems extremely risky...
>He fought like hell in here. I mean, sure… yeah… he was a criminal, but he stood up for other ponies. He wasn’t in a gang, though Celestia knows everypony wanted him on their side. He was just here. We threw him in solitary just to give him a chance to heal before putting him back out again. Every week he’d get beat to shit, and every other week we’d lock him up,” Blossomforth said with a shake of her head. “Said he deserved it.
He wanted to see this one mare. Just once. Said he’d happily be locked up the rest of his life if he could talk to her for five minutes and tell her how sorry he was
why must you have so much ambiguity Somber, why can't anyone truly be evil?
I kid of course, moral ambiguity really makes a story for me
>Cell 712! Shady Legs is supposed to be in there!
hmm, so Ahulizotl was a prisoner here, and a special one at that,
>“Wow. I knew Kingpin had it good, but wow.”
agreed, wow
>“I lied,” he said with a little nod. “Somepony needed to stay here to buzz you through. If I hadn’t, somepony else would have had to. I didn’t want your friends to do it. I didn’t want you to try and be noble and sacrifice yourself for us. And while you might have been able to talk one of the guards into doing it, I didn’t want to take the chance of them going feral and everypony dying because of me.” He shook as his hair smoked. “I deserve this, Blackjack.”
and there it is the heroic sacrifice we've been waiting for
>Rarity then turned and gave a near-manic grin. “But don’t you see, Fluttershy? Don’t you understand... once we have these, the war is effectively over. They won’t be able to kill us! We’ll all be safe. Forever!”
oh god, Rarity what have you become...
>“Forty-two... Of course...” she murmured, then smiled faintly. “Silly Rarity... a present doesn’t count if you take it from somepony else. It only counts... if it comes from yourself...”
so that's where she got the idea for the statuettes from
>Nothing about who I am makes sense!”
poor Rampage, that's a serious identity crisis
>“We’re going to take a piece of your soul, cut it off, and put it into your instrument there. If it works, your instrument will last... well... forever. That piece of you will preserve it for all time.”
so Octavia's contrabass is a soul jar after all
>"Remember to shoot Blackjack. It’s good luck."
Rampage is genre savvy
>Then he silenced her with a hoof-curling kiss. Her yellow eyes popped wide, and then her buttery wings fluffed at her sides. Slowly, she swayed and finally sat down hard, Stygius moving with her to keep contact, and closed her eyes as she smiled in bliss.
and StegyxPycho is canon everypony!
>“Imminent mortal doom, people...”
way to ruin the moment Rampage...
>here was a reason the screens had only shown Warden Hobble’s face: it was all that could fit. [...]
I feel an epic boss fight coming on...
>Who knew AM ammunition came in explosive flavor?
since when did ammunition have a flavors?
>this is the O.I.A, [...] due west towards the Core.
so Horse is the core?
>Next waypoint: Shadowbolt Command, Shadowbolt Tower, Hoofington.
saw that one coming, time to fight some Enclave
>Lacunae was alive, and wonderful!
YAY! Lacunae's alive!
no quest perk?
wow, that was long, guess the way I format my comments makes it super long, oh well
EDIT:
*applause*Somber wrote:I write this at 1 AM for me, 4AM for Hinds, and 9AM for Bro and Snipehamster. That’s right, my editors stay up to see Celestia raise the sun working on this. They’re incredible, and deserve a round of applause.
Stringtheory- Alicorn
- Posts : 2097
Brohoof! : 97
Join date : 2012-05-13
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
SilentCarto wrote:
- Ch. 48 Comments:
Chapter 47: Hightower
Chapter 48: Inferno
The Hightowering Inferno?
“There’re four fuel pods. As the lowest heats up, the fuel that isn’t on fire will boil and eventually breach the pod above it, spreading the fire even more and accelerating--”
The color coding indicates when each log will fire. Green, yellow, and red. Each detonation will be accompanied by a sudden burst of acceleration!
“Half an hour? An hour at most,” Xanthe whimpered.
Soundtrack: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E5wqIafRKms
I won’t kill young, nor will I lie. No order, no threat, no bribe will make me do so. To do otherwise would violate my Contract.
Unless he was lying when he said that! :D
“In Meatlocker, he sold my Contract to the bartender to pay his tab. I’ve been Shifty’s servant ever since.”
Yeah, that sounds more like it. So... suppose that someone one-shotted Ahuizotl before Carrion could react. Does his contract instantaneously end?
Not that it matters. I have this suspicion that Ahuizotl will accidentally violate or end the contract once he gets his hooves on whatever it is he wanted, and Carrion will happily ventilate him at that point.
“One of the ghouls is our agent,”
Still doesn't explain why the Remnant would want Tulip dead...
Rain was pouring down outside; it looked like late afternoon.
Assuming that escaping from Steel Rain, getting to Meatlocker, and Hightower have all happened on the same day, we're just a couple hours shy of T-8 days. (Please do let me know if they took spent a night in Meatlocker.)
“You’re nothing but an unstable short chain molecule!”
Post-apocalyptic G4 My Little Ponies are taunting the Smooze with Ghostbusters quotes.
...I love this fic. (I'm proud to be a part of it!)
Then there was a flash of red, then darkness and the scream of Enervation.
Not dead till I see a corpse! Or... ash.
“Rampage. There is no Rampage. No Arloste. I’m just a half dozen ponies squished together in one jar.”
That's funny, I seem to be talking to somepony right now...
SWAT? What the heck was… oh, my armor. Well, I knew one answer that would save me a lot of questions.
Heh. Good choice. Also, new members for the Meatlocker security force!
“My name is Blossomforth.”
I don't even know why I'm surprised anymore...
Then there was a resounding thud as the door was knocked clear off its hinges and flew into the apartment. Rarity gasped as she turned to stare at the empty doorframe. A second later a little white bunny hopped in and fixed Rarity with a stern glare.
Oh. So that's why they call him "Doombunny"...
“Oh... heh... supposed to say ‘Be Pleasant...’ whoopsie...”
Okay, that really made me laugh.
“Right... lift the lockdown... warden’s terminal... sure...easy peasey faciley...”
Bilingual Bonus!
“Ready... um... zebra?” The striped mare gave a little grin and babbled something in zebra, but saluted smartly... and then gave a surprised look at the hoof at her temple.
Ready, suit?
Then he silenced her with a hoof-curling kiss.
Yaaaaaay!
Over the speakers, an ominous melody began to play.
Nice choice. Guess the warden's a fan of Mooseorgsky.
The desks and furniture and a half dozen sentry bots had been fused into a carapace-like armor that vaguely resembled some sort of uniform.
The thing’s mouth split in a volcanic grin as he stretched his forehooves wide, and then two great skeletal wings wreathed in flame spread from one side of the room to the other.
Shit, no wonder you picked Bald Mountain for the theme music here! Damn!
“Take out his hooves, Carrion!”
Wait, are we playing Fallout, Final Fantasy, Zelda, or Metroid?
And my fears were quickly realized; as the Warden shielded his face with one leg while his other hoof ripped at a hunk of his own armor, scraping off the metal in a heap of scrap, and then it threw the jagged spray of shrapnel right at Carrion.
Okay, he changed tactics at the halfway point. I've narrowed it down to Zelda or Metroid.
(So awesome! )
Then a massive spar of metal sticking from the end of a blazing hoof lanced out of the smoke and impaled me right through the middle.
I want to make entirely clear the precise kind of bastard you are, Somber.
This line appeared right at the bottom of a page. Specifically, the page break was right before "impaled me".
I thought you were about to pull a Joss Whedon on Styggie, and I had to actually scroll down to find out otherwise! You have no idea how glad I am it was BJ instead, terrible as that sounds.
(Anyway, I know Lacunae's not dead and gonna teleport her to safety in a second.
In just a second.
Aaaaaany second now.)
“Warden Hobble, this is the O.I.A,” a voice said over the PA system speakers, synthetic and masculine-sounding. It made us both freeze. “We would like you to release the mare in your custody. She is one of our operatives, investigating a threat to the kingdom for us, and beyond your jurisdiction.” Was it Watcher? It sounded like Watcher, amplified a hundred times...
Okay, now THAT? That sounds like Goldenblood.
I couldn’t do anything but smile as she hauled me up and tossed me over her shoulders. The beating she’d endured had smashed her spines flat. She walked along the smoking steel beams towards the nearest edge and set me down beside the Warden’s terminal.
"I'm glad to be with you, Rampage... here, at the end of all things."
> Next waypoint: Shadowbolt Command, Shadowbolt Tower, Hoofington.
Oh, shit. That's gonna be a doozy.
“It seems the lockdown was lifted,” Lacunae said in my mind as she pulled Rampage and myself up towards her.
I love being right. ^_^ Now let's make like balefire bomb and blow this joint!
Within me, the curse gave a sudden lurch, and I felt something fundamental inside me break. It was as if I were slipping out of myself and drifting away on a stiff breeze. I tried to fight, but there wasn’t anything left for me to hold onto. A strange current was sweeping me away. Lacunae was shouting. Snails was talking about boats. And then I felt something familiar...
I'd say it's about time to go say hello to the Goddess, face to face to face to face to...
Author’s note: I write this at 1 AM for me, 4AM for Hinds, and 9AM for Bro and Snipehamster. That’s right, my editors stay up to see Celestia raise the sun working on this. They’re incredible, and deserve a round of applause.
*applause!*
- Editing:
It’s been so long since I’d been happy. So long…
That should be "It had been".
a purple glow surrounded the robot, slowing his descent slowed as he leveled out.
slowing his descent until he leveled out?
The flaming one walked slowly through the smoke towards us, inhaling as it drew another breath to blast me.
It inhaled as it drew a breath?
Instead of taking it, I look cover like a sensible pony and let Carrion step out and blast it with his miniguns.
took cover
“Looks like the rest of my team is here. We’re going to… arrest the Warden and evacuate as many ponies as we can. My ass was starting to get toasty sitting on the metal floor.
Missing close-quote
Rarity looked at her a moment, then smiled and shook her head. “No. No this is for me and my friends.”
Should be "No. No, this..."
She appeared aloft as if lifted by the shadows themselves.
Word missing, I think.
Two centuries of direct exposure to the warhead had caused the ghoul to swell to Goliathian proportions.
I'm not sure that's actually a word... you should just use "goliath proportions" (note lower case).
Ah, thank you. The last one, however, is not a mistake but a reference to Goliath, the train-pulling pony from Chapter 36.
O. Hinds- Zebra Engineer
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Character List:
Name: Ris Haends Aeronauticus
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
I like reading other people's commentaries as they point out the stuff I missed or glossed over sometimes. For example the flame ponies which I'm hereafter referring to as Balefire Ghouls, and why these were easier to kill.
The Balefire Ghoul (Which I will call Balefire Prime to distinguish him) the group ran into outside the high security area was in direct line of sight of the warhead and thus in direct view of his radiation source boosting his regen considerably over the others who while still in a radiation environment were a magnitude lower rad environment thus had lesser regen.
Second the tactics of the group had improved, head shots and massive firepower put these things down, remember the bullets were melting before hitting Balefire Prime with only beam weapons being unaffected. So they were using anti-material weapons like the AM-Rifle from the start rather than starting with small caliber fire and escalating.
Third and this is important, I don't think the other Balefire Ghouls were on the same level as Balefire Prime, he burned hotter, burned brighter and was obviously only semi-feral as he took obvious pleasure in their pain rather than just seeming them as a food source as the others did. Balefire Prime was still sane just evil. As for him not speaking... it's hard to form words when your lungs are filled with fire, the very air around you burns and you don't care about talking with your prey.
The Balefire Ghoul (Which I will call Balefire Prime to distinguish him) the group ran into outside the high security area was in direct line of sight of the warhead and thus in direct view of his radiation source boosting his regen considerably over the others who while still in a radiation environment were a magnitude lower rad environment thus had lesser regen.
Second the tactics of the group had improved, head shots and massive firepower put these things down, remember the bullets were melting before hitting Balefire Prime with only beam weapons being unaffected. So they were using anti-material weapons like the AM-Rifle from the start rather than starting with small caliber fire and escalating.
Third and this is important, I don't think the other Balefire Ghouls were on the same level as Balefire Prime, he burned hotter, burned brighter and was obviously only semi-feral as he took obvious pleasure in their pain rather than just seeming them as a food source as the others did. Balefire Prime was still sane just evil. As for him not speaking... it's hard to form words when your lungs are filled with fire, the very air around you burns and you don't care about talking with your prey.
Cptadder- Alicorn
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
So here we go again. Got some Scotch to celebrate the Whiskey Queen, and Notepad open because Cloudsville hates MS Word. Time for pony and death. Except in the middle when it's time to see The Dark Knight Rises.
Running Commentary:
Editing:
Overall thoughts:
Running Commentary:
- Spoiler:
“Oh, if only you were a griffin,” he muttered as he looked skyward. “I would have given my left paw for a commander like you.”
Don't give it to him! He doesn't know what he's asking for!
"Contracts putting griffin interests first… but unfortunately Gilda failed, and no one knows what became of her."
Look forward to finding out what did happen to her, and Dash for that matter.
"He drove off my family and used me as a weapon, forcing me to kill any who attacked him due to his unreasonable and obnoxious demands. I would have happily killed him, or allowed them to… if it would not violate my contract."
Sounds to me like you need to be a little more comprehensive in your definitions of the duties of your counterparty, Carrion. Just saying.
"Yes! Maybe brain tumors had made me smarter."
Blackjack is so cute when she's optimistic. If only she were allowed to be happy.
"You are the Maiden of the Stars! Nightmare Moon!"
Okay, that part's new. Or maybe I just forgot that part of the legend. I just don't see it, though. But hey, if she were Nightmare Moon, Blackjack could finally get over her small-horn complex.
“Luck? Luck that you die but return to life? Luck that you overcome all adversity?”
Silly Xanthe, you forgot what crossover you are in!
"Luck that I found friends who would help me!" Though I will give her that.
"And just because I’ve survived, don’t think it’s been easy. Don’t think that I haven’t paid for surviving when others died. But that’s all there is to it. I am not Nightmare Moon! I am not the Maiden of the Stars! I am not special and I am not going to put up with it any longer!"
BJ, you're right about the survival part, and your life hasn't been easy the last few weeks. But you need to accept that you are special. If you've forgotten that, you must have been away from Glory for too long.
“Don’t you blow me off, Blackjack!” she snapped, her eyes narrowed. “Because you are scary. There’s not a single one of us that isn’t afraid of you on some damned level. You’re a fucking cyborg mutant death mare who could probably kill every single one of us if she wanted to. You talk to shit that isn’t there, know things no fucking pony should ever know, and you keep going on. Why the fuck shouldn’t she think of you as Nightmare Moon? Why the fuck shouldn’t everyone?”
[S]he has a point.
Sadly, Couldn't find the real thing on Youtube.
"I looked behind her at my companions, at the concern, wariness, and worry in their eyes. I felt the pain tightening up inside me. I seemed to have forgotten how to breathe. No. I was a good pony. I might not have know what my virtue was, but I was a good pony. I tried! I tried, damn it."
"That whirring within me grew sharper; the scream of enervation growing clearer. I’d tried to give them all I could. What more did they want from me? It doesn’t matter what you try to give; they’ll never really appreciate it."
Could we be seeing variant CMCFS starting? Also, the stronger personal connection with this one does strengthen, if only slightly, my feeling that she may be Generosity.
...
Aaaannnd that back down. Oh well, at least the Generosity part can stick with me.
I know it's not really going to happen, but we do know that you don't need to be perfect or some kind of epitome of a particular Element, all the time, to be its bearer.
“Buck up, Soldier. There’ll be other ghouls to disintegrate,” I said, earning a surprised and slightly troubled look from Silver Spoon. “Remember, straight there.”
Please be considerate of the nice ghoul who is only now coming to terms with the fact she died 200 years ago, and who is only here because of your gigantic dick move.
"Had we really only been in Hightower a few hours? Felt like weeks."
Possible fourth wall joke? I chuckled.
"The charcoal lump cracked and Rampage shook herself hard, shedding the crumbly black shell."
Rampage gets some of the best entrances, doesn't she? Heh, sure, the outside is bitter, but the sweet filly inside makes this one confection not to be passed up.
"Too bad it was too hazardous to take with us; the infernal mix ate through everything, even Sparkle-Cola bottles."
But would it eat through clip boards?
"She’d been a goddess. She’d been a friend! And this place had taken her from me! All for my stupid obsession!"
We'll see. I'm not counting Lacunae out yet, as this might just be one of the least reliable methods of communication I can think of, at least in the current circumstances.
"Hurting was infinitely better than the feelings that arose from the thought that my friend was gone."
Don't make me take your sharp objects away. You need that sword.
"Silver Spoon sighed and said in a low murmur, “Blackjack, have you been lying to delusional ghouls again?” I smiled awkwardly and shrugged, and the gray ghoul sighed and covered her face with her hoof."
Thank you for pointing this out Silver. I really do hope that you get to have a real talk with Blackjack about the finer points of honesty and why it's wrong to manipulate sadly deluded people.
"“Special Weapons and Arcane Tactics doesn’t mess around,” Blossomforth murmured to a twitchy looking unicorn."
I like this a lot; I never did care for including the "A" in "SWAT."
"Well, if my previous experiences were any kind of guide, the guard captain would be inside and be some sort of flaming apocalyptic demon of hell."
Yay, minibosses!
"No apocalyptic demon, though. Just a single pegasus skeleton in a guard’s uniform slumped over the controls of a large security terminal with a dozen extra monitors and a pair of extra control panels connected to it."
Or not. See, this is why I believe that Blackjack's fortune is in inverse proportion to what she anticipates at any given time. At least usually.
"More ‘Hoofington sucks dock’ reminders."
Well, I guess a city would be large enough to suck on docks.
"The flame poured over his features like a flamer as he fell back, clutching his blackened face as he screamed. The ball of fire rolled over the ceiling like a hunting, living thing and spread out as it dissipated."
Ooh! Hope Snails can take care of BJ on his own.
“If Blackjack has to face the Warden, she’s going to need you,” he croaked, his cooked face splitting and bleeding. “You can’t stay… but I can.”
Oh, he survived. That's good. Little lucky there.
"About time some things started going our way… so why was I getting so nervous as we walked up the stairs and into the supermax wing?"
See above. Honestly Blackjack, it's something I like to call "pattern recognition;" you should ask Glory about it sometime. Preferably if Scotch isn't around. She might get bored.
“Yeah! I heard Merriweather… oh sparklefarts…”
Okay. That's just about the first instance of mild pony cussing that's gotten me to audibly laugh.
"All I wanted was to get out and breathe the cool, damp, smoke-free air of the Hoof."
All I want is to go back to my normal, crapsack deathworld!
“I lied,” he said with a little nod. “Somepony needed to stay here to buzz you through. If I hadn’t, somepony else would have had to. I didn’t want your friends to do it. I didn’t want you to try and be noble and sacrifice yourself for us. And while you might have been able to talk one of the guards into doing it, I didn’t want to take the chance of them going feral and everypony dying because of me.” He shook as his hair smoked. “I deserve this, Blackjack.”
Nice of you to take one for the team, but I would like to point out that you kind of vonunteered Blackjack here, as you're really counting on Snails to get the raising of the curse right, on his own, without hearing from you any details you thought relevant to the casting.
“Tell him I cast the swirly curse from the black book. The swirly one. Swirly. Remember. Tell him… tell him I tried to get him out as soon as I could. And tell him that I’m sorry I forgot the donuts.”
Okay nevermind.
“You have no right to judge me! I know how you fucked up Jetstream’s head so bad she’s in Happyhorn now! How are you any better, Vanity? How!?”
See above link.
“I need to find the attic first. I need to find Snails... I owe Snips that,” I said in a daze. “Which way is the attic?”
Okay, I know why you said that, but why not add "And Snails is my only hope not to have my soul ripped from me"?
“Forty-two... Of course...” she murmured, then smiled faintly. “Silly Rarity... a present doesn’t count if you take it from somepony else. It only counts... if it comes from yourself...”
We all knew it was coming but...sweet merciful Celestia. Turning to self destruction isn't the only way to make things right, not even when there is a way.
That said, I've always thought this was a touching sacrifice, and this rendered that sentimentality wonderfully.
"He had a pair of figurines in his hooves; ones of Snips and himself as young stallions, maybe even from before the war. ‘Bestest Friend’ read the inscription on the former, and ‘Besterest Friend’ on the latter. Around his neck, on a frayed ribbon, was a tacky little medallion of three shooting stars. The gilt had rubbed off on some of the corners, but it was still inscribed with “Best Magic Act.”"
You know, you really do a great job conveying emotion with just a bit of scene description. Love it.
Also, totally agree with WavemasterRyx's assessment of the passage.
"I was struck by the horrible revelation that my life and soul were in the hooves of Equestria’s slowest necromancer."
And you diffuse the tension so well. I really needed that about now.
"Remember to shoot Blackjack. It’s good luck.”
“Do not shoot Blackjack!”
But really, shoot Blackjack. She'll get better, and probably end up liking you more after you shoot her. Maybe not right away, though. As for the good luck, you know who didn't shoot Blackjack? Snips. So remember kids, Blackjack is for shooting, not ripping the soul out of.
“Right... lift the lockdown... warden’s terminal... sure...easy peasey faciley...”
Latin puns...now you've got their hooks in me. I do hope we'll see more.
"Suddenly the left wall began to glow. A perfectly round, white patch spread rapidly, and then bulged outwards, and suddenly a blinding line of green as thick as my hoof blasted through, pierced the Warden, struck the far wall, and then vaporized it as well. And the wall behind that. And the wall behind that. The beam disappeared. I looked off to the left, out the hole... due west towards the Core."
That is one of the coolest endings to a fight I've seen. It's great to have the cavalry arrive, but when it's an unknown entity that shoots overpowered death-laser artillery with remarkable accuracy and range...damn.
"“It seems the lockdown was lifted,” Lacunae said in my mind as she pulled Rampage and myself up towards her. Lacunae was alive, and wonderful!"
Called it! Good to see you back. You're pretty awesome cavalry yourself!
"Lacunae selectively ignored her, for which I was grateful."
I get why you feel that way, but really, I think that attempted suicide is her prerogative; if anyone has put time and thought into the decision, it's Rampage.
"And then, it was gone and the massive structure was collapsing in on itself, filling an immense glowing crater. Not even the foundations remained."
But...nothing can stop the smooze. Right?
"And then I felt something familiar...
Dying.
Again..."
Snails, if ever there was a time for you to act quickly, this is it. Rampage, toss that stallion some PTMs. How do they interact with Dash?
Please don't die.
Editing:
- Spoiler:
- If we had more time and Cerberus were intact ,we might have severed the warhead and removed it, but…”
The space after "intact" shouldn't be there, instead after the comma.
then kicking a smoking chunk of off the bottom of the jury rigged gun.
I think "jury rigged" should be hyphenated.
"It has a magical template and it restores the pony its imprinted on."
"it's imprinted on."
"Only they they had a little sad face drawn on them."
Double they.
“Looks like the rest of my team is here. We’re going to… arrest the Warden and evacuate as many ponies as we can.
I think you wanted a closing quotation mark at the end.
"I didn’t want to answer that as I looked at the red velvet drapes."
Not
sure if you are saying Blackjack didn't want to say "Yes I do know" or
"No I don't know", or if she didn't want Rampage to share that
information. Incidentally, does BJ know?
""Maybe you can catch them again,” I said; hearing the grind of the sentries’ wheels approaching."
The semicolon after "said" should be a comma.
"Most of us, ghouls and pony alike, collapsed and concentrated on not cooking."
Should probably match numbers: "ghoul and pony" or "ghouls and ponies," since there are multiple of both.
"Clothes, papers, books, zebra statuary and masks all vied to consume what had once been a tastefully decorated living space."
I believe that you have generally used the serial comma, and I believe
that "zebra" is meant to modify "statuary and masks" rather than just
"statuary;" in that case, I think it should be "books, and zebra
statuary and masks."
"The he looked right at me and leapt up at me in two bounds."
Then he looked...
"Even more disturbing, though was the flat monotone he spoke them in;"
"disturbing, though, was"
"A flickering vortex of magic seemed to rise up from the center of the sigil and coil around her, as if in a dark cocoon."
Subject/object
issue: the sentence's subject is the vortex, not Octavia. Perhaps "as
if forming/becoming/whatever a dark cocoon" would work better?
Overall thoughts:
- Spoiler:
So overall, the chapter was good. I can agree that there was perhaps a little more action than I prefer, but that's--again--a matter of personal taste.
I enjoyed seeing further development of Doof, and was of course struck by Doof's confrontation with Vanity. Now, one thing that has occurred to me ever since the development of the Marauders has deepened was that Doof seems more, I don't know, aware? together? functional? than he came across (to me, at least) in the orb depicting the lead-up to the rape of Twist. Maybe it's just me.
Lacunae's return was not much of a surprise--well, perhaps its exact timing, but even that made sense--but that's more a function of the reader knowing Blackjack pretty well by now.
As ever, you handled emotional scenes very well. As I said in the running commentary, I was impressed by both the use of a few lines of visual description to make what was, to me, one of the strongest emotional impacts in the chapter. And you followed it with a nice jab of humor, which frankly was really needed at that point. I liked the Rarity scenes; I think that Rarity and Fluttershy both came off exactly as needed, and your handling of Angel was one of the better I've seen. He was helpful and devoted, yet demanding, matter-of-fact, and protective as the scene required; he comes off as a bit of a jerk, but not the kind you would really hold it against.
As for the Nightmare Moon discussion--this was very good. I honestly wasn't 100% sure Blackjack was going to keep it together there, Psychoshy raised important points, and it was a nice way to introduce and/or remind us of some of the darker ways the various party members see Blackjack, and how she sees herself. The idea that she's just trying to make the world better doesn't mean she's not a monster: look at Red-Eye; look at Goldenblood; look at Rarity; heck, I bet even Nightmare Moon in some ways thought that "enabling" ponies to appreciate the night would improve the world. So she really is walking a fine line, living as she does in a world where positive change seems to come largely through the forcible removal of the worst elements; her repeated moral lapses emphasize this (As an aside, the last few chapters have made me care more about Silver Spoon than I ever expected I would, and I still haven't really gotten over Blackjack's deception to convince her to join this quest. I'm still not sure that I can think of anything she's done that struck me as so incredibly wrong, so marvelously callous. Scoodle? Sure, the effects were worse, but that seemed like a rookie mistake to me, the mere overconfidence of a mare who had been sort of lucky until then and hadn't seen what the Hoof had to offer. Euthanizing the colts and fillies? That was a genuine moral dilemma, and she faced it with the seriousness and heart it warranted, and has shown she was affected by it. Boing? I'm not about to blame her too strongly for overreacting to a potential threat when she's hardly in control of herself at all. I can hardly even say I think she's at fault for the state she was in; why wouldn't she avoid sleep if she's told she can do without for long periods and is in absolute terror of slipping away if ever she should sleep? This was a planned, calculated decision to endanger somepony, without her informed consent and under false pretenses, in order to advance her own goals. Sure, it's not enslaving hundreds or thousands of ponies to rebuild the nation's industrial base, but I certainly don't see it as acceptable behavior for Blackjack, as the pony that Blackjack wants to be. What do you think is the worst thing Blackjack has done, from a moral perspective, and why?) and the need to keep her aims and her methods better than the wasteland is offering.
As for the end, even independent of the author's note, I noticed a bit of a difference between this and the end of 33: here BJ says not "I let go...relaxed...and died," but rather that she felt the sensation of dying. Don't know if that's significant. So I wonder if and how the next chapter will differ from the experience of 34.
Last edited by Icy Shake on Mon Jul 23, 2012 1:39 am; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Ending the spoiler tag.)
Icy Shake- Alicorn
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Resuming review.
Thanks to Somber, Hinds, Snipehamster, and Bronode for writing and editing this excellent story for free.
- Spoiler:
- Page 19
Solid sheet of flame focused in an enclosed space? Not a very pleasant environment.
I wonder what they'll bring back from the gun storage.
Snails has to reverse it, I hope he isn't feral/crazy/dangerous.
I wonder, as I do a lot, how Snips will be able to teleport?
A missile launcher and a few small arms. I am somewhat disappointed.
Page 20
'Bout time everything stopped shooting at them.
Doof fought for ponies that were in trouble, and was in solitary to help him recover. Until he went, I suppose.
Page 21
There's the breaking point. I wouldn't blame her, though.
Uh oh, they are still living in the past.
Kingpin must've had a lot of good friends.
Page 22
Rampage can be a very funny pony sometimes.
A pretty imaginative way to guide the group through the smoke.
Page 23
Missile ineffective. This is really getting worse.
Page 24
Safe...-ish, at last.
Dammit Snips.
Lots of things to read in those chapters, but not much to say about them.
Page 25
He wanted to sacrifice himself, which is kinda heroic, but also crazy.
Damn right soul magic is a terrible idea.
Vanity broke the news. How crippling.
Page 26
Hrrm, Jetstream. A lot of craziness happened to these poor Marauders.
Deus was one broken pony.
Stygius and Psycho are out. I expected this to happen to somepony.
Page 27
And I wonder just how big that "Butcher's bill" will be. Blackjack will have a lot more self punishment before this is over.
Memory thingy.
Heheh, Angel can kick down doors.
Page 28
Oh my. Fluttershy is insisting on something. Must be very important.
This is from the perspective of a surveillance device? Neat.
Oh yes, the crash with the invulnerable pony.
Death not worst? Lets see where this goes.
Page 29
Suffering and pain. Thought so.
"...or even Applejack." Gee, blatant demeaning statement right there.
Maybe it's a bad idea to reveal the talisman to Fluttershy now.
And she doesn't want one. Must be what caused Rarity to abandon the project.
Page 30
"I’d never accept anything that was made through killing people!”
Neither would I.
Rarity is seeming awfully lacking in the generosity department here.
Angel could be a bouncer.
Rarity just came to a boil, it seems.
"It only counts... if it comes from yourself...”
The bobbles.
Page 31
Hrrm. When things seem bad, there is always a way to make it worse, or something else that is even worse.
Souls and stripes. Interesting that they may be linked.
Good company. Lots of crazy ponies follow Blackjack. And unfortunately, some don't survive...
Page 32
Another. Fake. Twilight. Bobble. In a prison?
Snails made figurines of everypony he knew. Sanity has a high price.
Whoa. Sounds like a creepy room.
Page 33
Another cut.
Octavia's contrabass. The procedure worked, I guess, given how the bass is still intact and she died later.
Page 34
Book gained insight from the procedure, maybe?
Hit the instrument with a sledgehammer. How subtle.
Wait, didn't Snips say he forgot the donuts earlier? Maybe a different time?
Page 35
I wonder how she will mold the pieces of her soul to those akin to the other 5?
Broadcasting Octavia's music. A nice sentiment.
Page 36
There's Snails.
The medal from that talent show.
It occurs to me now that Snips might have been sorry for not bringing donuts back now, not in the past.
Uh oh. Warden is big and glowy. Trouble.
Page 37
Looks like Snails will be a help to them.
A big terminal to control the prison. Figured as much.
Blackjack and Co. Travelling Freak Show. Hahah.
Shoot Blackjack for good luck. Hehe.
So it is a copy of Flutter's soul, but how?
What does it say, instead of "Be Pleasant"?
Page 38
Silver Spoon seems to be in a quite stable state of mind at this moment.
What's up with Xanthe?
Page 39
A perfectly executed Shut-Up Kiss if I've ever seen one.
Yes, very anticlimactic indeed.
Oh my. Monster.
Page 40
Delusional in utter completeness.
Boss battle glory.
Page 41
He is one tough SOB. Like a heavily radioactive troll with laser cannons.
I don't know if "Shell" is quite the term for an AM round, but it counts in for the effect.
Of course, the weak spot of every Fallout enemy ever: The eyes.
Page 42
They weren't mentioned to have assault rifles before, but they are certainly helpful here.
And the fuel tank exploded. Very bad. It seems like this whole chapter should've taken more than an hour so far, but whatever.
Oh no. Crippling injury.
Page 43
Spike saves the day. Sort of.
Shadowbolt Tower. This won't be pretty.
Page 44
Lacunae is back.
And they have a ride out. Yippee.
A rather amusing discussion in Blackjack's head.
But now, she's dying. Not dire, because the slowest necromancer never gets it wrong, as Snips says.
Thanks to Somber, Hinds, Snipehamster, and Bronode for writing and editing this excellent story for free.
Ketchup- The Condiment
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Another great chapter Somby! I really hope things go well with the move.
Also do we have an official mine-craft or tf2 server yet. I think we should.
Also do we have an official mine-craft or tf2 server yet. I think we should.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Ah, thank you.Icy Shake wrote:So here we go again. Got some Scotch to celebrate the Whiskey Queen, and Notepad open because Cloudsville hates MS Word. Time for pony and death. Except in the middle when it's time to see The Dark Knight Rises.
Running Commentary:
- Spoiler:
“Oh, if only you were a griffin,” he muttered as he looked skyward. “I would have given my left paw for a commander like you.”
Don't give it to him! He doesn't know what he's asking for!
"Contracts putting griffin interests first… but unfortunately Gilda failed, and no one knows what became of her."
Look forward to finding out what did happen to her, and Dash for that matter.
"He drove off my family and used me as a weapon, forcing me to kill any who attacked him due to his unreasonable and obnoxious demands. I would have happily killed him, or allowed them to… if it would not violate my contract."
Sounds to me like you need to be a little more comprehensive in your definitions of the duties of your counterparty, Carrion. Just saying.
"Yes! Maybe brain tumors had made me smarter."
Blackjack is so cute when she's optimistic. If only she were allowed to be happy.
"You are the Maiden of the Stars! Nightmare Moon!"
Okay, that part's new. Or maybe I just forgot that part of the legend. I just don't see it, though. But hey, if she were Nightmare Moon, Blackjack could finally get over her small-horn complex.
“Luck? Luck that you die but return to life? Luck that you overcome all adversity?”
Silly Xanthe, you forgot what crossover you are in!
"Luck that I found friends who would help me!" Though I will give her that.
"And just because I’ve survived, don’t think it’s been easy. Don’t think that I haven’t paid for surviving when others died. But that’s all there is to it. I am not Nightmare Moon! I am not the Maiden of the Stars! I am not special and I am not going to put up with it any longer!"
BJ, you're right about the survival part, and your life hasn't been easy the last few weeks. But you need to accept that you are special. If you've forgotten that, you must have been away from Glory for too long.
“Don’t you blow me off, Blackjack!” she snapped, her eyes narrowed. “Because you are scary. There’s not a single one of us that isn’t afraid of you on some damned level. You’re a fucking cyborg mutant death mare who could probably kill every single one of us if she wanted to. You talk to shit that isn’t there, know things no fucking pony should ever know, and you keep going on. Why the fuck shouldn’t she think of you as Nightmare Moon? Why the fuck shouldn’t everyone?”
[S]he has a point.
Sadly, Couldn't find the real thing on Youtube.
"I looked behind her at my companions, at the concern, wariness, and worry in their eyes. I felt the pain tightening up inside me. I seemed to have forgotten how to breathe. No. I was a good pony. I might not have know what my virtue was, but I was a good pony. I tried! I tried, damn it."
"That whirring within me grew sharper; the scream of enervation growing clearer. I’d tried to give them all I could. What more did they want from me? It doesn’t matter what you try to give; they’ll never really appreciate it."
Could we be seeing variant CMCFS starting? Also, the stronger personal connection with this one does strengthen, if only slightly, my feeling that she may be Generosity.
...
Aaaannnd that back down. Oh well, at least the Generosity part can stick with me.
I know it's not really going to happen, but we do know that you don't need to be perfect or some kind of epitome of a particular Element, all the time, to be its bearer.
“Buck up, Soldier. There’ll be other ghouls to disintegrate,” I said, earning a surprised and slightly troubled look from Silver Spoon. “Remember, straight there.”
Please be considerate of the nice ghoul who is only now coming to terms with the fact she died 200 years ago, and who is only here because of your gigantic dick move.
"Had we really only been in Hightower a few hours? Felt like weeks."
Possible fourth wall joke? I chuckled.
"The charcoal lump cracked and Rampage shook herself hard, shedding the crumbly black shell."
Rampage gets some of the best entrances, doesn't she? Heh, sure, the outside is bitter, but the sweet filly inside makes this one confection not to be passed up.
"Too bad it was too hazardous to take with us; the infernal mix ate through everything, even Sparkle-Cola bottles."
But would it eat through clip boards?
"She’d been a goddess. She’d been a friend! And this place had taken her from me! All for my stupid obsession!"
We'll see. I'm not counting Lacunae out yet, as this might just be one of the least reliable methods of communication I can think of, at least in the current circumstances.
"Hurting was infinitely better than the feelings that arose from the thought that my friend was gone."
Don't make me take your sharp objects away. You need that sword.
"Silver Spoon sighed and said in a low murmur, “Blackjack, have you been lying to delusional ghouls again?” I smiled awkwardly and shrugged, and the gray ghoul sighed and covered her face with her hoof."
Thank you for pointing this out Silver. I really do hope that you get to have a real talk with Blackjack about the finer points of honesty and why it's wrong to manipulate sadly deluded people.
"“Special Weapons and Arcane Tactics doesn’t mess around,” Blossomforth murmured to a twitchy looking unicorn."
I like this a lot; I never did care for including the "A" in "SWAT."
"Well, if my previous experiences were any kind of guide, the guard captain would be inside and be some sort of flaming apocalyptic demon of hell."
Yay, minibosses!
"No apocalyptic demon, though. Just a single pegasus skeleton in a guard’s uniform slumped over the controls of a large security terminal with a dozen extra monitors and a pair of extra control panels connected to it."
Or not. See, this is why I believe that Blackjack's fortune is in inverse proportion to what she anticipates at any given time. At least usually.
"More ‘Hoofington sucks dock’ reminders."
Well, I guess a city would be large enough to suck on docks.
"The flame poured over his features like a flamer as he fell back, clutching his blackened face as he screamed. The ball of fire rolled over the ceiling like a hunting, living thing and spread out as it dissipated."
Ooh! Hope Snails can take care of BJ on his own.
“If Blackjack has to face the Warden, she’s going to need you,” he croaked, his cooked face splitting and bleeding. “You can’t stay… but I can.”
Oh, he survived. That's good. Little lucky there.
"About time some things started going our way… so why was I getting so nervous as we walked up the stairs and into the supermax wing?"
See above. Honestly Blackjack, it's something I like to call "pattern recognition;" you should ask Glory about it sometime. Preferably if Scotch isn't around. She might get bored.
“Yeah! I heard Merriweather… oh sparklefarts…”
Okay. That's just about the first instance of mild pony cussing that's gotten me to audibly laugh.
"All I wanted was to get out and breathe the cool, damp, smoke-free air of the Hoof."
All I want is to go back to my normal, crapsack deathworld!
“I lied,” he said with a little nod. “Somepony needed to stay here to buzz you through. If I hadn’t, somepony else would have had to. I didn’t want your friends to do it. I didn’t want you to try and be noble and sacrifice yourself for us. And while you might have been able to talk one of the guards into doing it, I didn’t want to take the chance of them going feral and everypony dying because of me.” He shook as his hair smoked. “I deserve this, Blackjack.”
Nice of you to take one for the team, but I would like to point out that you kind of vonunteered Blackjack here, as you're really counting on Snails to get the raising of the curse right, on his own, without hearing from you any details you thought relevant to the casting.
“Tell him I cast the swirly curse from the black book. The swirly one. Swirly. Remember. Tell him… tell him I tried to get him out as soon as I could. And tell him that I’m sorry I forgot the donuts.”
Okay nevermind.
“You have no right to judge me! I know how you fucked up Jetstream’s head so bad she’s in Happyhorn now! How are you any better, Vanity? How!?”
See above link.
“I need to find the attic first. I need to find Snails... I owe Snips that,” I said in a daze. “Which way is the attic?”
Okay, I know why you said that, but why not add "And Snails is my only hope not to have my soul ripped from me"?
“Forty-two... Of course...” she murmured, then smiled faintly. “Silly Rarity... a present doesn’t count if you take it from somepony else. It only counts... if it comes from yourself...”
We all knew it was coming but...sweet merciful Celestia. Turning to self destruction isn't the only way to make things right, not even when there is a way.
That said, I've always thought this was a touching sacrifice, and this rendered that sentimentality wonderfully.
"He had a pair of figurines in his hooves; ones of Snips and himself as young stallions, maybe even from before the war. ‘Bestest Friend’ read the inscription on the former, and ‘Besterest Friend’ on the latter. Around his neck, on a frayed ribbon, was a tacky little medallion of three shooting stars. The gilt had rubbed off on some of the corners, but it was still inscribed with “Best Magic Act.”"
You know, you really do a great job conveying emotion with just a bit of scene description. Love it.
Also, totally agree with WavemasterRyx's assessment of the passage.
"I was struck by the horrible revelation that my life and soul were in the hooves of Equestria’s slowest necromancer."
And you diffuse the tension so well. I really needed that about now.
"Remember to shoot Blackjack. It’s good luck.”
“Do not shoot Blackjack!”
But really, shoot Blackjack. She'll get better, and probably end up liking you more after you shoot her. Maybe not right away, though. As for the good luck, you know who didn't shoot Blackjack? Snips. So remember kids, Blackjack is for shooting, not ripping the soul out of.
“Right... lift the lockdown... warden’s terminal... sure...easy peasey faciley...”
Latin puns...now you've got their hooks in me. I do hope we'll see more.
"Suddenly the left wall began to glow. A perfectly round, white patch spread rapidly, and then bulged outwards, and suddenly a blinding line of green as thick as my hoof blasted through, pierced the Warden, struck the far wall, and then vaporized it as well. And the wall behind that. And the wall behind that. The beam disappeared. I looked off to the left, out the hole... due west towards the Core."
That is one of the coolest endings to a fight I've seen. It's great to have the cavalry arrive, but when it's an unknown entity that shoots overpowered death-laser artillery with remarkable accuracy and range...damn.
"“It seems the lockdown was lifted,” Lacunae said in my mind as she pulled Rampage and myself up towards her. Lacunae was alive, and wonderful!"
Called it! Good to see you back. You're pretty awesome cavalry yourself!
"Lacunae selectively ignored her, for which I was grateful."
I get why you feel that way, but really, I think that attempted suicide is her prerogative; if anyone has put time and thought into the decision, it's Rampage.
"And then, it was gone and the massive structure was collapsing in on itself, filling an immense glowing crater. Not even the foundations remained."
But...nothing can stop the smooze. Right?
"And then I felt something familiar...
Dying.
Again..."
Snails, if ever there was a time for you to act quickly, this is it. Rampage, toss that stallion some PTMs. How do they interact with Dash?
Please don't die.
Editing:
- Spoiler:
If we had more time and Cerberus were intact ,we might have severed the warhead and removed it, but…”
The space after "intact" shouldn't be there, instead after the comma.
then kicking a smoking chunk of off the bottom of the jury rigged gun.
I think "jury rigged" should be hyphenated.
"It has a magical template and it restores the pony its imprinted on."
"it's imprinted on."
"Only they they had a little sad face drawn on them."
Double they.
“Looks like the rest of my team is here. We’re going to… arrest the Warden and evacuate as many ponies as we can.
I think you wanted a closing quotation mark at the end.
"I didn’t want to answer that as I looked at the red velvet drapes."
Not
sure if you are saying Blackjack didn't want to say "Yes I do know" or
"No I don't know", or if she didn't want Rampage to share that
information. Incidentally, does BJ know?
""Maybe you can catch them again,” I said; hearing the grind of the sentries’ wheels approaching."
The semicolon after "said" should be a comma.
"Most of us, ghouls and pony alike, collapsed and concentrated on not cooking."
Should probably match numbers: "ghoul and pony" or "ghouls and ponies," since there are multiple of both.
"Clothes, papers, books, zebra statuary and masks all vied to consume what had once been a tastefully decorated living space."
I believe that you have generally used the serial comma, and I believe
that "zebra" is meant to modify "statuary and masks" rather than just
"statuary;" in that case, I think it should be "books, and zebra
statuary and masks."
"The he looked right at me and leapt up at me in two bounds."
Then he looked...
"Even more disturbing, though was the flat monotone he spoke them in;"
"disturbing, though, was"
"A flickering vortex of magic seemed to rise up from the center of the sigil and coil around her, as if in a dark cocoon."
Subject/object
issue: the sentence's subject is the vortex, not Octavia. Perhaps "as
if forming/becoming/whatever a dark cocoon" would work better?
Overall thoughts:
- Spoiler:
So overall, the chapter was good. I can agree that there was perhaps a little more action than I prefer, but that's--again--a matter of personal taste.
I enjoyed seeing further development of Doof, and was of course struck by Doof's confrontation with Vanity. Now, one thing that has occurred to me ever since the development of the Marauders has deepened was that Doof seems more, I don't know, aware? together? functional? than he came across (to me, at least) in the orb depicting the lead-up to the rape of Twist. Maybe it's just me.
Lacunae's return was not much of a surprise--well, perhaps its exact timing, but even that made sense--but that's more a function of the reader knowing Blackjack pretty well by now.
As ever, you handled emotional scenes very well. As I said in the running commentary, I was impressed by both the use of a few lines of visual description to make what was, to me, one of the strongest emotional impacts in the chapter. And you followed it with a nice jab of humor, which frankly was really needed at that point. I liked the Rarity scenes; I think that Rarity and Fluttershy both came off exactly as needed, and your handling of Angel was one of the better I've seen. He was helpful and devoted, yet demanding, matter-of-fact, and protective as the scene required; he comes off as a bit of a jerk, but not the kind you would really hold it against.
As for the Nightmare Moon discussion--this was very good. I honestly wasn't 100% sure Blackjack was going to keep it together there, Psychoshy raised important points, and it was a nice way to introduce and/or remind us of some of the darker ways the various party members see Blackjack, and how she sees herself. The idea that she's just trying to make the world better doesn't mean she's not a monster: look at Red-Eye; look at Goldenblood; look at Rarity; heck, I bet even Nightmare Moon in some ways thought that "enabling" ponies to appreciate the night would improve the world. So she really is walking a fine line, living as she does in a world where positive change seems to come largely through the forcible removal of the worst elements; her repeated moral lapses emphasize this (As an aside, the last few chapters have made me care more about Silver Spoon than I ever expected I would, and I still haven't really gotten over Blackjack's deception to convince her to join this quest. I'm still not sure that I can think of anything she's done that struck me as so incredibly wrong, so marvelously callous. Scoodle? Sure, the effects were worse, but that seemed like a rookie mistake to me, the mere overconfidence of a mare who had been sort of lucky until then and hadn't seen what the Hoof had to offer. Euthanizing the colts and fillies? That was a genuine moral dilemma, and she faced it with the seriousness and heart it warranted, and has shown she was affected by it. Boing? I'm not about to blame her too strongly for overreacting to a potential threat when she's hardly in control of herself at all. I can hardly even say I think she's at fault for the state she was in; why wouldn't she avoid sleep if she's told she can do without for long periods and is in absolute terror of slipping away if ever she should sleep? This was a planned, calculated decision to endanger somepony, without her informed consent and under false pretenses, in order to advance her own goals. Sure, it's not enslaving hundreds or thousands of ponies to rebuild the nation's industrial base, but I certainly don't see it as acceptable behavior for Blackjack, as the pony that Blackjack wants to be. What do you think is the worst thing Blackjack has done, from a moral perspective, and why?) and the need to keep her aims and her methods better than the wasteland is offering.
As for the end, even independent of the author's note, I noticed a bit of a difference between this and the end of 33: here BJ says not "I let go...relaxed...and died," but rather that she felt the sensation of dying. Don't know if that's significant. So I wonder if and how the next chapter will differ from the experience of 34.
O. Hinds- Zebra Engineer
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Well, got to the story within 24 hours this time. Should have this up by sunrise.
- chapter review time!:
- Inferno. Whelp.
Opening quote implies something will go wrong on a large scale.
Xanthe is not responding; her brain is busy shifting the scale for what level of doomed she is at the moment, because it just went off the top end.
Half an hour to an hour. Well, that’s not that bad! Half the party will be dead from radiation in half an hour anyway! Still, up to the proper office, past the Warden, retrieving Snails, figuring an escape route... they’re not going to have time for Carrion’s sidequest. Which means we’re getting at least one more messy demise before the chapter’s out; either his or whoever refuses him.
Five minutes? That’s awfully generous on your current timescale. Unless you plan to leave her behind while she works, which is an incredibly stupid idea.
I’m really starting to like Carrion; his nigh-inevitable death will be unpleasant to read. Hrm. We need more information on Gilda during the war; she seems to disappear between Ponyville and hunting Dash for the Enclave, and now this?
Oh dear. Yes, brain damage has once again improved Blackjack’s mental capacity, and I was right about how you removed half the medical staff and every competent fighter in Meatlocker.
Here now, put the cursed zebra down! None of this is her fault.
Okay, can we have this conversation about whether or not Blackjack is the Nightmare outside the blast radius? And let the tech work on getting that warning to the friends you left defenseless?
Heh. Alicorn telepathy. No more privacy, but an extra layer between you and total mental breakdown.
Poor Cerberus. Well, look on the bright side. There’s a decent chance that the city will be filled with filthy murderous stripes that your combat inhibitor says nothing about.
...hrm. If Meatlocker survives its encounter with Blackjack, it wouldn’t be a terrible place for, say, Psych and Styggie to settle down for a little while? And with them on watch, Cerberus would be free to follow Blackjack (and SSXanthe, but that’s neither here nor there) through all the thousands of acceptable targets she meets on a daily basis.
Ooh, rain! If you could tear a big enough hole in the ceiling soon enough you might be able to cool down the bomb before it passes the point of no return, burning-wise.
Oh that lovely ominous hum. Gives you a sense of just how dangerous this crew is; given a few minutes prep work “indestructible TPK monster” becomes “one barrage and a melted conductor.”
Okay, continuing to really love Carrion.
Beam gun down. So, for future flamers... sword? Destroying the brain still works, but bullets melt before they hit, so indestructible melee weapon wielded with TK seems apropriate.
First lesson regarding the nuclear option: if you expect to be required to resort to it once, bring the gear to do it twice. A second balefire egg makes everything so much simpler down the line.
“You’re nothing but an unstable short chain molecule!”
Win.
A good scoundrel realizes that their opponents are just one more feature of the battlefield, to be avoided or used to your advantage as appropriate. And if you’ve got two big bundles of trouble, making them deal with each other saves you a heap of it.
Lacunae can’t fit? She’s a regenerator. She grew back a whole leg earlier. You can make her fit if you’re willing to sit through some unpleasantness.
Or she could try to fly away, through an array of overpowered kill-towers, with a failing shield.
Damnation. Well, that’s not quite a conclusive kill, but it’s definitely all manner of unpleasantness. I suppose it saves us answering the question of what happens when Lacunae and Blackjack are linked with no Enervation shield.
Not quite berzerk. A bit nihilistic, but berzerk is a lot scarier than this.
Oh yes Rampage, the pony who needs to crack her head open after three lines of dialogue is much better off than the one that just ignores a few turrets for a while.
Wow, reading Project Horizons really messes up your sense of scale when it comes to mental problems.
See? When you slow down a bit and think about things the stealthy tech can do more damage than all your great big guns put together. Also, Xanthe is adorable. Might not be tactically relevant at the moment, but is always true.
Okay, all this reading of clipboards and learning about Deus’s prison sentance is fascinating and all, but you’ve got a very big bang to outrun. Maybe take them with you to read on the road?
Great, eternal melee warfare. Are they both insane, can one side be reasoned with, or is this just a way to pass the time after two centuries trapped in here?
One side looks feral. It still seems silly to me to spend four 12.7mm rounds on what’s physically a corpse head.
You’re making Silver Spoon facehoof. This is a sign that you should think long and hard about what you’re doing. Especially since if you’re going to have these ponies behind you in a firefight you’d rather they learn that you’re not SWAT but are the good guys now, rather than that being revealed by the Warden later. You’re short on time, but you should be able to spare them the cliff notes of the apocalypse, and one big mind-numbing revelation would probably come across better than a long series of subtle clues that everything’s gone to shit.
Flaming Snips. Isn’t immortality fun?
...yes. Disintegrated down to the bones. That’s exactly what happened.
Okay, I was partially wrong about Carrion’s quest. Yay!
Okay, that seems to establish the Warden as delusional and stuck in the past, rather than just keeping up that act.
Alas poor Snips. Well, he’s not dead yet. And likely won’t be unless... you kill Snails and him simultaneously? I dunno how the whole mutual soul-jar binding immortality thing works. So depending on whether the bomb can actually destroy soul-links, he’s either going out in a blast of balefire, or sitting here burning until the fire goes out and then probably being trapped forever. Which is, honestly, kinda fitting for what he’s done...
Pushes random buttons, just happens to get the recording of the most significant conversation of Doof’s entire stay here. Just luck. Suuuure.
Damnit, we need Lacunae back to pull BJ out of her fugue if nothing else.
Smoke inhalation. great. That’s one of the slower ones to treat... she should be okay if you can get her to clean air but that’s likely not an option. Meanwhile breathe slow and deep and hope for the best, I suppose.
I’m on board for the not owing Snips anything, but without an expert on soul manipulation Blackjack’s span is measured in hours. So you’re going to the attic if you want to get the remainder of the team out alive. Graves dead, Lacunae MIA, Cerberus crippled and sent home, Snips trapped and burning forever... that leaves seven by my count plus ten relatively sane guards that need to walk out of here.
Aaand you shook her too hard and she broke. You really ought to be more careful with Blackjack’s brain, even if it is full of alicorn bits making it smarter and probably healing in all this glow.
So, memory? No, we’re seeing Rarity’s eyes. Probably a recording. But why would this be here? Why would it exist in the first place? Why is it activating now?
Soul-contrabass. Confirmed after... when did I first theorize this? It was found in Flank, so that’d be shortly after 14? Definitely before 18... anyway, a large chunk of a year ago.
Ooh... so the Black Book doesn’t just keep and distribute dark lore. It actively accumulates it from experiments wielders perform, adapts to that knowledge, and consciously makes new uses for what it learns. That’s... okay, the right word is horrifying but I’m going with fascinating. Man, I would not last five minutes against the corrupting influence of that thing if you put us in a room alone.
I’m also losing faith in the story that it was destroyed by Littlepip.
I think I have to go with Rampage here. Shooting Blackjack while in her party is good luck. Glory shot her in the face in their first meeting and she got through chapter six against all odds. Xanthe shot her in the gut and not only made it this far in Hightower without taking a single hit, but made a new friend and a serious tactical advancement. Graves, Cerberus... they failed to shoot Blackjack and look what happened to them. I don’t remember if Carrion’s swept the miniguns over her or not (why does that sound so dirty?)... you should probably put a few rounds somewhere nonlethal to make sure you get out of here.
Whoopsie.
heeheehee.
Woo! Barely conscious is a big step over can’t wake up. If you had a few more hours in this air she might be able to walk, and in days really recover.
Hee. The Stealth Suit is saluting. That’s the thing about wearing animate armor, you gotta get used to sometimes moving without your own input. As an added bonus though, if you’re unconscious or drugged it can walk you to the medic. And if it’s good enough it might dodge you away from attacks you didn’t even spot. Also, the mental effects seem to be showing; Xanthe’s accent is bad enough that I suspect her default mutterings would not be in the zebra tongue otherwise.
Stygius, as much as I appreciate your shutting her up, and keeping her from dying in the next fight, and as adorable as this is, she needs all the oxygen she can get at the moment.
On to the Warden! Okay, you gotta respect somebody with their own theme music playing when you open the doors.
Well, fuck.
Y’know Blackjack, when your plan relies on a single stealthy member of the party working quietly and unnoticed while you distract the monster, it might be helpful to not keep yelling at her and telling everyone the plan.
…
Impressive.
Okay, that was the primary Hoofington defense towers, the ones built to take down an incoming zebra army. They activated right when the Warden bit into Blackjack’s left leg. The one with the Pipbuck, and by extension EC-1101. From this I conclude that the shot was fired specifically to prevent the destruction of the program, probably by the same individual/organization/force behind the Harbingers. They can’t use those towers directly on Blackjack because they’re high-level disintegration effects, so they sent soldiers down to kill her with a more personal touch (that’s also why the cultists always use advanced slug-throwers but no energy weapons). This means that, if given cause, the one in control of the Core can and will disintegrate anything in the Hoof. That... requires consideration.
On to Shadowbolt Tower.
Lacunae!! /)^3^(\
Heh. Careful Blackjack. Those thoughts aren’t entirely private anymore, and you wouldn’t want to make Stronghooves jealous (it’s pretty much too late for Glory).
Heh. And now begins the fun of trolling the Goddess into blocking you by thoughts alone.
Or dying again. That’s getting to be a bad habit. Slowest necromancer ever, have you had enough time to think?
Sindri- Changeling
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