Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

The chapter will be released tomorrow. I'm currently sitting on 9.3k word length and writing the second to last scene, though I'm over half way through this scene and the next one after is really short, but totally worth having in the chapter even if it doesn't really fit in with the rest of the chapter, it's still a nice little touch that hopefully won't be abhorred.
(If anything, I think people will love it.)

Still, we'll see.
The reason I'm not going to release tonight despite planning on finishing it off first is because of this:

Editing and self pre-reading.



OH MY FUCKING GOD. KIPPER, EDITING? PR-READING TOO? WHAT HAS THE WORLD COME TO!?!??!

Anyway, yeah. I plan to go through the chapter and maybe make small additions here and there, though most of it is scanning for typos and such.
So yup, planning to release the next chapter some time mid-day tomorrow.

Chapter nineteen: Caged is now out.

I just hope that the ending doesn't annoy anyone. It really is meant to be taken light-heartedly.

READ TIME! Will put up my review when I'm finished

<3 as always, maximum overwubs.
HAhaha. I'm too used to my faget friends.

Spoiler:

Great chapter, and so badly want the next one! Keep up the amazing work Kipper, and congrats on 1 year!

CamoBadger wrote:

Spoiler:

Great chapter, and so badly want the next one! Keep up the amazing work Kipper, and congrats on 1 year!

First of all, I'd like to address that scene. Yeah, it's brutal. Yeah, it's fucking brutal indeed. I was really hesitant about it because I didn't want to simply add it for cheap dramaz but it actually is going to have some ongoing issues from that happening.
It also goes to show the contrast of the worst and the "best" that the Coalition have.
Which, yes, I did begin to show with the last chapter, but I wanted to show it from Cherry's point of view too.

Spoiler:

Yeah, Joe is alive still. He may not be in the best of spirits, but he's alive.

Did you find the conversation at all rushed or even too much? I know you said you enjoy seeing how Cherry took it all, but I really wanted to fill in the blanks of what was happening on the other side and all that without having to bore the readers with the entirety of the exact same conversation. Hopefully I hit it right.
Yes, she took it better due to her profession (mostly) but also due to her inability to do a thing about it either way. She knows she can't escape on her own so her training tells her to remain calm and wait for assistance.

*zips mouth for that last part*

I thought it was good. I kinda grinned at the point where Cradle said she was upset about Crimson telling her what happened to the foals, mostly because I made that same comment on that chapter

CamoBadger wrote:I thought it was good. I kinda grinned at the point where Cradle said she was upset about Crimson telling her what happened to the foals, mostly because I made that same comment on that chapter

Being cheeky, it was actually your input that made me realise how ham-handedly I handled that. So, instead of completely retconning the chapter (or just that piece, if nothing more) I decided that perhaps a equally justifiable method to explain why she didn't immediately react to that was if she went into shock after the adrenaline of being chase wore off.

When you've got all that adrenaline pumping through you, I highly doubt that something like that would knock you out for six with misery.
Likewise, if she was to go into shock straight after the adrenaline wears off and the news kicks in, there would be no interaction previously seen where she turns around and calls Crimson a utter bastard wanker cunt for just outright saying that shit.

So, yeah. You made a big impression on this chapter with your comments, as is the beauty of fan feedback.
I really couldn't thank you enough for that.
Speaking of which, I should've thanked you in the comments now I think about it!

Reading now. Reverting back to prior review structure.

Kippershy wrote:
Being cheeky, it was actually your input that made me realise how ham-handedly I handled that. So, instead of completely retconning the chapter (or just that piece, if nothing more) I decided that perhaps a equally justifiable method to explain why she didn't immediately react to that was if she went into shock after the adrenaline of being chase wore off.

When you've got all that adrenaline pumping through you, I highly doubt that something like that would knock you out for six with misery.
Likewise, if she was to go into shock straight after the adrenaline wears off and the news kicks in, there would be no interaction previously seen where she turns around and calls Crimson a utter bastard wanker cunt for just outright saying that shit.

So, yeah. You made a big impression on this chapter with your comments, as is the beauty of fan feedback.
I really couldn't thank you enough for that.
Speaking of which, I should've thanked you in the comments now I think about it!

Wow... I don't even know what to say about that

Thanks

Hey, it's me who has to thank you. Like I say, I completely overlooked that and I felt like a fucking twat when you mentioned it because you were right and it shouldn't have been something I simply glossed over.

It's the brilliant thing about releasing chapters in series rather than doing it in one big go as a book would normally - though I suppose the fact that if you're doing it in a book, the editors would turn around to you and say "hey, dude, this doesn't seem right."


...Which is why I really, really should look into getting a team of my own.
I just don't think I'm worth anyone's time is all.

Spoiler:

The only thing I have to gripe about is the the inclusion of broadcasters in the PipBucks, as Littlepip has to be given one by the Talons she rescues, and it's a module that attaches rather than being integrated, like a stealthbuck. The PipBucks in Canterlot were luxury ones, IIRC, and had broadcasters, but Stables were issued with basic ones, as far as I know.

That's the one thing I have yet to really explain in-fic yet have a proper explanation for. (Broadcasters, I mean.)
Here it comes:

Anyone who is a VIP in 58 has a broadcaster model.
Anyone who is a spec ops for TMG has a broadcaster model.
Mayor Sunburn has a broadcaster model while the others do not.
Why?
Because Coltchester.

Coltchester was primarily military focused during the war. The city housed a lot of infantry and higher ranking military personnel and while it didn't have all the super secret laboratories like Hoofington or Maripony.
Still, it had enough high ranking officers who would have had the broadcaster models for commanding the troops with ease.

The TMG found out about this pretty early on and managed to snap up a lot of them from local scavengers who would sell them on without realising the value (or being that desperate).

Not -everyone- has a broadcaster, but to imagine that you could find enough to supply something like twenty ponies in total is far from unrealistic, I'd imagine.


But yeah, that has to be revealed in the story at some point, I agree.


Now, to the review bit.
First of all, thank you as always. Means a lot to me.

Never seen either Red Dawn myself.
Yeah, the leaving of her bags in the cell is a gesture of kindness, but a very very unique / odd one of that. Most prisoners would never get such a treatment.

Blessed Cradle was the foalsitter, the seamstress was rescued safely.

He knows there's no point in hiding jack shit.

Well done on that catch. I thought I'd fixed that error but I obviously wrote it a second time, somehow.

[don' t want to say a thing here for reasons]

Crimson is behaving... sorta. If he was single he'd be all over that, can't say he's not at least trying to behave!

Just a pinch of 'em!



Again, thank you.

I figured that'd be the handwave. No matter.

Handwave my ass. I decided that back when I first began to write it.
I'd planned to have Titan ask about it by now but I don't think I have yet.
Aside from that, I did foreshadow interaction with Coltchester -waaaaay- back in like, chapter three or so when Crimson was talking to Cherry about her gear.


Handwave makes it sound like I'm pulling it out of my ass and using some random explanation that only just about makes sense.
This is thought out because it helps to reinforce how the hell Crimson has any sort've connection to any military databases and also, Titan is to serve the same purpose of reminding the reader that Coltchester used to be military based.


edit: I'm not mad or trying to put you down, or even make it seem like you shouldn't have any negative stuff to say. I just have that way of speaking, for the record.
Though you should know this about me by now anyway, but just wanting to be sure you know.

I had figured you assumed they had broadcasters by default, actually. The fact that it hasn't been brought up in the actual story brought me to the handwave conclusion. Just a 'well this Stable is different because I said so' kind of thing, y'know?
Of course, the explanation you have given explains why the TMG is so rather ridiculously well armed, as well.

Really, I just find it irksome. But that's my selective nitpicking at work.

Yup, I really do have to get to explaining it in story. Sorry for not having done so properly.
that's something im bad for.
yeah, it was thought out properly and the TMG relies on proper backpack broadcasters for most of their organisation but they were found in Tank as it was.
more backstory which as of yet is kept away, but this time intentionally, for now.

the stable IS special but not Blackjack level special with any superweapons hidden inside or anything like that.
just a little special but far from ministry mare holding special.

anyway, yeah. I'll bring it up in the next chapter.

So, just got this:


I'm over the moon.

LOOK AT DAT FACE. DAT HAPPY FACE.

And now I understand why you don't mix painkillers and alcohol. Fuck me I felt fucked up.

NEVER MIX ALCOHOL AND MEDICINE! <.<

Also, I've finally got 'inspiration' to read what I've missed from your story. (Yes, at work, sue me =P)
I find it quite interesting, I really liked it.

Sorry...I always suck at reviews of stories..partly of laziness.

And that's awesome anniversary picture you have there. Congratz, Kipper ;)

Kippershy wrote:And now I understand why you don't mix painkillers and alcohol. Fuck me I felt fucked up.

I thought it was a serving suggestion...

CamoBadger wrote:

Kippershy wrote:And now I understand why you don't mix painkillers and alcohol. Fuck me I felt fucked up.

I thought it was a serving suggestion...

I honestly expected you to have a much more angry response, lol.

Max Payne mixed painkillers and Alcohol and he ended up in Brazil as shitty bodyguard, don't repeat his mistakes.

Kippershy wrote:

CamoBadger wrote:

Kippershy wrote:And now I understand why you don't mix painkillers and alcohol. Fuck me I felt fucked up.

I thought it was a serving suggestion...

I honestly expected you to have a much more angry response, lol.

lol, it should be assumed, I just felt like making a joke.

Plus I would be lying if I said I've never done the same...

Katarn wrote:Max Payne mixed painkillers and Alcohol and he ended up in Brazil as shitty bodyguard, don't repeat his mistakes.

I laughed.

CamoBadger wrote:

Kippershy wrote:

CamoBadger wrote:

Kippershy wrote:And
now I understand why you don't mix painkillers and alcohol. Fuck me I
felt fucked up.

I thought it was a serving suggestion...

I honestly expected you to have a much more angry response, lol.

lol, it should be assumed, I just felt like making a joke.

Plus I would be lying if I said I've never done the same...

Oh, don't worry. I already assumed you were annoyed but making a joke all the same.
I won't be repeating it because it takes a fucking lot to have me on the floor unable to do a thing..
That was a fucking nasty experience.

Well, I've written up a revised version of the prologue now. I don't know what people will make of it though. Even if it's not worlds apart from what I'd written originally, it should flow a little better.

I need opinions before I'm willing to release the edit, so if anyone is interested, here's the Gdoc version which is formatted for both Gdiocs and Fimfic (to make it easy for me to simply copy/pasta and publish in one quick go.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1A8EOhp65Uw5WbyXrKL5dm9aeDgXdw3C-_94VqdC0Jq4/edit

I noticed some missing commas and a spelling error or two

...and didn't make any note of where they are.
I appreciate that you'd notice these things for me, writing while tired sucks ass, but I'd appreciate it a whole lot more if I had any clue where to look for them.

edit: Not trying to sound like a jackass by the way, I knew I'd have to go checking over my work tomorrow anyway - but simply being told there's an error without any indication what-so-ever as to where I might find it is a burden.
Though, yeah. I'll be going through it tomorrow when I'm not tired.

Apologies. I'm on my IPhone currently.

I noticed the missing commas in the first paragraph, mostly. The first two or three sentences in particular seemed near-devoid of them

The first instance of "Really" is misspelled as "Realy"