Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

by Kippershy Wed Dec 19, 2012 3:51 pm

This is before the credits have gone in.
I hope it's worth all the effort I put into this.

Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds. - Page 7 Stillg13

by Kippershy Wed Dec 19, 2012 4:15 pm

Released.
Fucking. RELEASED.

31,372 words absolute w/ commentary + level ups

by **CamoBadger** Wed Dec 19, 2012 7:08 pm

Holy crap that's long. Well, here we go!

Chapter 17:

Okay, so before you start thinking I hated this chapter with all the times I blew a fuse at Crimson and Cherry, I didn't. It was fantastic, and I loved reading it. I just don't approve of several things they did, or tried to do, or planned to do. It was still an amazing chapter, and despite how long it was I don't regret a second of the time it took to read. Keep up the fantastic work man!

by Ketchup Wed Dec 19, 2012 7:53 pm

I don't think I'm going to review this one, a tad long, you know? It takes me several hours to make them for the average PH chapter, which is shorter.
I'll read it soon, if not before Christmas Break than sometime in the break.
Next one I'll do a textual as-read review, I promise.

by Kippershy Wed Dec 19, 2012 8:30 pm

CamoBadger wrote:Holy crap that's long. Well, here we go!
Chapter 17:

Okay, so before you start thinking I hated this chapter with all the times I blew a fuse at Crimson and Cherry, I didn't. It was fantastic, and I loved reading it. I just don't approve of several things they did, or tried to do, or planned to do. It was still an amazing chapter, and despite how long it was I don't regret a second of the time it took to read. Keep up the fantastic work man!

This is amazing, thank you!
Now, in response...

First of all, I understand. Crimson makes his fair amount of mistakes and has a lot of stupid moments, but then that's why he's only intel 5 rather than 7+.
Even the average person can make mistakes that seem absolutely fucking retarded, but then he will also have moments where he gets an idea so brilliant that without those retard moments, it would seem like he's higher than 5 intel.
Also, yeah, I probably put a little too much kinky kinky in there... though that has it's reasons which you won't understand until the next chapter. You'll soon see why (hopefully).

I'm glad you didn't feel it was a waste of time. I was totally thinking that this chapter would be seen as one. My worry was it'd either be really good with lots of praise or absolutely worst ever and drags on for so long that it's impossible to read.
So yeah, I'm glad it was worth it.

May I ask what you thought of the combat in general? I was trying to vary it somewhat, but having so damn much in one chapter makes it hard.

Unless I'm mistaken, Crimson was in bed all day the day before and also slept through most of the night until roused for this chapter. He'd been given proper medical attention the entire time (including healing from Eos that he wasn't aware of.) and that's why he could do this. Still, he'll be out of the fight for the next two days now or so.

>promise won't do anything stupid, plan it later on.
Yup, but when you gotta, you gotta. Right?

As for leaving the gun behind, it's because the gun is actually a part of Titan's suit. To detach the gun from the suit is to disable the electronic firing mechanisms which are controlled through the suit (much akin to Enclave P.A) and though I know I haven't explained this in story, I promise I will do because you have a very, very good point.

Yes, she is still mad at Crimson. You're right. Trouble is, he's grown up as this semi-smug be all greatness kid whose always had it oh so easy. As good with words and such as he can be, he also has issues understanding these things at times. He's not slow, he just hasn't really ever had to deal with it before.

As for the whole Sandstorm issue - they'd rather not take him out to the battleground (and for good reason.) and that's why he recommended that he go seek out Eos.
Crimson knows that Eos would LOVE to have Sandstorm sitting on her lap and cuddled up to her, but he's also thinking about her emotional state being shot to hell and the fact that he simply can't tell a kid with abandonment issues that a mare with her own issues whose torn apart herself right now will simply accept it.
I mean, yeah, she would and yes she needs it even more right now - but to have somepony go up to her and ask if he can rather than to simply say she has to?
THAT would make her feel even more cared about than simply doing it.
See? There's thinking behind that one. There is thinking behind it!

@Eos loving Crimson, Crimson being unaware:
Shhhhh, you don't want to let Cherry hear that.
She thinks that she simply needs the affection right now, but has her suspicions. Crimson knows what's going on but is putting it aside because he has Cherry now.
Thing is, he doesn't really "get" the whole "don't fuck with others hearts'" and continues like he is because it's how he always was before - casually flirting like it's nothing.

Can't figure which point you'd be referring to with t he comment about Cherry's ex.
Did I write something supremely stupid here? I don't even remember after writing my bollocks off these last four days.

Oh, he knows. He knows. Trouble is, risk v reward. You simply ask all the Anarchists to come for no reason and they'll tell you to go fuck yourself.
You tell all the Anarchists that somepony who is fucking badass needs their help? You tell them in a way that ensures they'll get some action? They'll be there.
Same with the ZUC (Zebras United for Coltchester). They've got no bad blood with Crimson, but they don't have any reason to be friendly either. However, they DO hate the DZC so if it's certain they can do some damage to them, well, they've got a reputation to keep after all.

Don't worry. Cherry's constant complaining about what is right / wrong is going to be much less of an issue after this. Oh so very much so.

This couple can make ANYTHING sappy if they try to do so. Just you wait and see what's in store.

Now, for this bit, I do have an explanation.
However, the explanation isn't something I can fully explain until after the next chapter is released. What I can say for now though, is that Crimson is a sexual mofo who would be getting it on just about all the time when he's at home, but recently he hasn't had it for the last few days. So, he's all SEXSEXEXSEXESXEEX
...Yup, as someone else put it, he needs to go to a sex rehab clinic. haha.
As for why Cherry is like that, she was emotional and sharing a moment like that got her womanly parts going because every once in a while, women are just strange like that and will change from being absolutely angry / upset to horny as hell if given the right stimulus.
Thus is why Cherry turns into a horny bitch when Crimson is giving her all the right moves & pheromones.
Again, another big reason is something I can't really say.

could have, but guess what? You didn't. HAHAHAHAHAH

The line between bat-shit and simply angry for Crimson really does depend on just how screwed he is. Behind him was a robot he couldn't hope to take out and a door blocked up so tight he couldn't hope to get through.
Ahead of him was four killer robots and a LOT of ferals. Can't blame him for losing hope and when he gets "mounted" like Platinum was, well, can you imagine what kind've response that would get from you, to have to relive something you saw but experience it first hand?
I think losing his mind completely was the right choice.

I'm guessing I got you to laugh with the ghoul missile code bit. Hope so, that was my plan. I like to add in random bits of humour to my story.

Trouble with the 'carry them outta there' plan is that they still need radiation to heal. the HQ doesn't have that radiation.
The HQ is actually built along the same lines as a Stable, if not ever so slightly better because of military funding over civilian funding / tech.
As well as that, Titan could hardly manage to walk back to base and Selene being carried by Maisy would take up all the free room.
Titan would refuse to let Helios carry him.
So... you'd be walking / running mostly, with a large army up your ass and they'd follow you home.
Not the best of ideas now, huh?

Sitting on his haunches, thanks, fixed.

What did you think about the music/scene, by the way? Fit or not?

Nah, ZUC have no issue with Crimson. He's killed zebras, but only DZC ones.

The lack of intermission was me trying to be smart and cut through it because I was beginning to tire out. I've updated it now to make it clearer.

I do love a running gag. It works well with Cherry riding Crimson like that.

Yeah, that explosion scene totally threw me off guard. I wasn't sure how to do it without switching POV - which was essential because it has to end on Crimson passing out the two different times.
As for whose dragging him away? Sorry to break it to ya, be he gets dragged by friendlies. More detail in next chapter as Titan & others fill in what happened to Crimson.
If it was DZC, they'd not bother with dragging him anywhere. They'd just kill him and THEN drag his body... so I guess they would drag him somewhere, just not alive.

lastly, you deserve it. Thanks for being so awesome.
Tomorrow I'll read your fic.

by Kippershy Wed Dec 19, 2012 8:34 pm

Ketchup wrote:I don't think I'm going to review this one, a tad long, you know? It takes me several hours to make them for the average PH chapter, which is shorter.
I'll read it soon, if not before Christmas Break than sometime in the break.
Next one I'll do a textual as-read review, I promise.

haha, that's fine. I completely understand because yes, you are right, this IS longer. In fact, it's actually longer than any PH chapter I'm aware of.

Mares and stallions is the longest I'm aware of, and even that only hits 28k.
This goes to nearly 31k - so yeah.

(hightower pt 1 was 24k, hightower pt 2 aka Inferno was 27k, M&S was 28k, Black was 21k, average is 21k)

So yeah. Once you've read the chapter, the thing that I'd appreciate the most if you don't feel up to a larger review is just something like:

Did you enjoy it as a whole:
Was there anything I did wrong:
Was the combat scenes good:
Any suggestions:

Even if it's only a one liner (or less) for each, just something to give me some kind've idea of what you thought, ya know?
Either way, thank you ever so much =3 always appreciated.

by Ketchup Wed Dec 19, 2012 8:44 pm

I'll see what I can do.

by **CamoBadger** Wed Dec 19, 2012 8:47 pm

Hm...so now I'm starting to think that Eos is going to break down when she finds out that Crimson doesn't share her feelings, and that he's just flirting. I might have to hate him a little when that happens.

@Styx and the suit: that makes a lot more sense to me now. Didn't know it was part of the suit, so sorry about that little misunderstanding.

About the part you were wondering why I brought up Cherry's ex: it was the part where Crimson was wondering why she was single before him.

I agree that Crimson is a sex-fiend, and that Cherry could have easily gotten turned on by doing something like that with him, but honestly I expected a little more professionalism and more of a 'mission' mindset from her. Knowing that at least one of the ponies they're trying to save has already been shot, and seeing the massive amounts of enemies they've already encountered seems like something that would keep her focused, but I guess you are right; sometimes the brain turns of and gives control to other areas.

@Combat: I liked it. I got confused once or twice about what was happening, but that was because my dogs refused to leave me alone at some points. It flowed smoothly when I could actually focus on it, and was very tense to read through at many points, so I think you did a darn good job on it.

@Carry-Them-Out: Guess I didn't really think of it like that. My mindset was more of 'get selene out' since she was obviously severely injured, and then get the others later. Didn't really think of the fact that they require the radiation to heal, or that Titan is even more stubborn than Crimson.

@Crazy Crimson: Yeah, the scene definitely made sense to me, I was just expecting him to go in and shoot everything. Caught me off guard when he started doing what he did. It was a pretty great scene, and how Crimson felt after was brilliant. Probably one of the more memorable moments in this chapter because of that. Oh, and the code, laughed my ass off.

Oh well, regardless of who dragged him off I'm still very excited for the next chapter!

by Kippershy Wed Dec 19, 2012 9:01 pm

CamoBadger wrote:Hm...so now I'm starting to think that Eos is going to break down when she finds out that Crimson doesn't share her feelings, and that he's just flirting. I might have to hate him a little when that happens.

@Styx and the suit: that makes a lot more sense to me now. Didn't know it was part of the suit, so sorry about that little misunderstanding.

About the part you were wondering why I brought up Cherry's ex: it was the part where Crimson was wondering why she was single before him.

I agree that Crimson is a sex-fiend, and that Cherry could have easily gotten turned on by doing something like that with him, but honestly I expected a little more professionalism and more of a 'mission' mindset from her. Knowing that at least one of the ponies they're trying to save has already been shot, and seeing the massive amounts of enemies they've already encountered seems like something that would keep her focused, but I guess you are right; sometimes the brain turns of and gives control to other areas.

@Combat: I liked it. I got confused once or twice about what was happening, but that was because my dogs refused to leave me alone at some points. It flowed smoothly when I could actually focus on it, and was very tense to read through at many points, so I think you did a darn good job on it.

@Carry-Them-Out: Guess I didn't really think of it like that. My mindset was more of 'get selene out' since she was obviously severely injured, and then get the others later. Didn't really think of the fact that they require the radiation to heal, or that Titan is even more stubborn than Crimson.

@Crazy Crimson: Yeah, the scene definitely made sense to me, I was just expecting him to go in and shoot everything. Caught me off guard when he started doing what he did. It was a pretty great scene, and how Crimson felt after was brilliant. Probably one of the more memorable moments in this chapter because of that. Oh, and the code, laughed my ass off.

Oh well, regardless of who dragged him off I'm still very excited for the next chapter!

To be fair to him, that was my poor wording.
Crimson does have feelings for Eos but if I go too far into the topic, I'll say something I probably shouldn't.
He just knows where his loyalties lie is all.

My bad with the suit, like I said. I've never mentioned it in or out of story, so that's my fault there. I'll have them talk about it in story.

Ahh, yeah. What he meant by that is, how had no-one tried? Well, obviously ponies had tried, but she never gave in. Crimson just gets lucky a whole lot.

Yeah, she really shouldn't have been letting Crimson tempt her at all, perhaps it's a flaw in my writing in general.
Glad that everyone knows Crimson as a sex fiend though. He totally is xD

Glad I did that well, glad it was memorable and I'm glad I hit the target with the L33T HAX0R missile code.

anyway, I'm off to sleep now. damn work in the morning.
Thanks for all this, it's wonderful to see this sorta stuff.
Naight!

by **CamoBadger** Sun Dec 30, 2012 7:59 pm

prologue:

by Kippershy Mon Dec 31, 2012 1:07 am

CamoBadger wrote:
prologue:

Her husband*
But with you saying that... I might very well include her too... maybe.
I mean, that would give her a reason to ask before she dies too, right?
(and give reason to explain what's happened.)

So yeah, thanks dude. Glad I did a good job with the quick throw together.
...Now if only I didn't get the three trolls who downvote without saying a word who probably only do it because they hate FOE.
(gone from 6 downvotes to 9 without ever getting told why.)

by **CamoBadger** Mon Dec 31, 2012 1:13 am

Yeah, there's like 5 or 6 trolls on FimFic who's only goal in life is to downvote every FOE story they see.

And now that I know it was a husband who got shot, methinks I know who that little mare is Spike

by Ketchup Sat Jan 05, 2013 9:47 am

Spoiler:

by Kippershy Sat Jan 05, 2013 6:06 pm

Don't be sorry, you make very good points indeed.
I don't seem capable of writing high quality combat scenes, I know it. I try to hurt Crimson and I try to make it something that will last, but it never does happen the way it should.

The reason I downplayed Cherry this time around is because I wanted her to have a reluctance about it all, more than usual. Plus, she'd still be tired from the disturbed sleep.
(Not that this really changes anything.)

I'm glad I did Maisy well though, I tried to make her a little better.

I guess part of the trouble with Crimson is that because he's not got the endurance to handle things like Blackjack, I write it a lot softer on him to make sure he doesn't become unstoppable despite that weakness.
His armour is enchanted royal canterlot and the speech style has been that way since chapter one, so that's not changing. Sorry.

As for the structure of my chapter, it could very well be to do with the fact I'm now focusing on having proper formatting with dialogue, perhaps?
Before the last chapter and maybe the one before that, I was messing it up by not giving it a space between but simply starting a new line.
Now I'm giving it a space between and it's affecting my writing style to try make it fit a little better, that could be why.

-It could also be that I knew it was going to be longer than usual (though I hadn't planned 30k) and subconsciously changed my writing slightly because of it. I dunno.

As for how the fights play out... any suggestions, then?
I really don't see a way to have them be different, without causing either Cherry or Crimson some fatal wound.
They wouldn't back down from getting a scratch, they have to finish the fight unless they want to risk their own lives by walking away early.
So yeah, if you've got a suggestion on how I can change that, feel free to tell me. Otherwise, nothing I can do in my mind.

I appreciate comments both good and bad, as long as they're constructive. You've given me a lot of constructive stuff, yeah, don't take this post as me being upset with you in any way - I just need to understand why you feel such a way / what I can do about it in your mind, before I can improve.

by Ketchup Sat Jan 05, 2013 6:29 pm

I'm happy you took it that way.

Make the combat slower overall, perhaps? Crimson simply swooping in on and/or shooting all the targets in the face gets a tad old after a bit. Make bullets a bigger deal and make the enemy smarter. They seem rather dumb. Use of cover and caution should be more prevalent. Littlepip is much more cautious, even Blackjack is by fair margin.

I probably only mentioned the capslock because I wanted to give all the misgivings and such at once. It isn't proper per se, but that is what you've been doing since the start.
But, characters that weren't Crimson also used caps letters.

I'm probably only thinking it was clunky because it was long. Perhaps you didn't polish it as much as previous, shorter chapters as well.

Maybe consult with Camo, he might be able to give an opinion.

by Kippershy Sat Jan 05, 2013 7:00 pm

They did? I'll have to go find and fix that, in that case.
That would've been a mistake, because only when someone is either using the helmet or shouting so loud that half the wasteland can hear it, should it be in caps.

Thanks for the advice on the combat, I see your point and duly noted. Stuff like this I appreciate the most because of course, knowing exactly what the issue is and having a suggestion on how to improve it makes my life a lot easier.

Once I manage to pull myself into writing the next chapter, something I've still been delaying because of Far Cry 3 (now finished the story!) and being dragged onto DayZ to save my friend a few times.
So yeah, as soon as I start writing again I'll take that into notice.
I won't be writing any combat next chapter, but I will keep it in mind for the chapter after.

by Kippershy Mon Jan 07, 2013 5:01 pm

by **CamoBadger** Mon Jan 07, 2013 5:23 pm

D'AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

by Kippershy Sat Jan 12, 2013 1:14 pm

So right now I'm... not quite in need but I desire someone to just read over the start of my latest chapter to see if I handled something well, or if it's too much.

Anyone willing to help?

by Plasticube Sat Jan 12, 2013 1:57 pm

I just started and I have only read up to chapter six, will probably catch up by this time tomorrow.

If you still need help then I would be happy to.

by Kippershy Sat Jan 12, 2013 2:08 pm

<.<
Oh dear.
>.>

Inb4 you stop reading, hate me and wait, how the hell have you been putting up with the lack of formatting / low quality of the chapters anyway?

by **CamoBadger** Sat Jan 12, 2013 2:19 pm

I'll look at it for ya Kipper.

by Kippershy Sat Jan 12, 2013 2:22 pm

Cool, thanks dude. I'll PM you a g'docs or something with it in.
(because G'docs would make it look a lot nicer)

by **CamoBadger** Sat Jan 12, 2013 2:25 pm

Okies, sounds good!

by Kippershy Mon Jan 21, 2013 5:29 pm

Just a small heads up, I'm looking at working towards getting the chapter released either tonight or tomorrow morning.
I'll then be working on the next chapter straight away, methinks.

by **CamoBadger** Mon Jan 21, 2013 5:31 pm

by Kippershy Mon Jan 21, 2013 8:01 pm

8,800 words and working on the final sequence of the chapter. It may end up a little shy of 10,000 - though after the last chapter, I really doubt anyone is going to mind that. heh.

So yes, I'm going to work through until I have this done, I think. It's midnight right now but that isn't an issue for me this week.

Also, thanks for the enthusiasm Camo!

Edit: 11,249

by Kippershy Mon Jan 21, 2013 10:51 pm

Released. I had somewhere like 12,750 words before credits, just deleted the post with the specific number before realising that was where I wrote it. Ah well.

by **CamoBadger** Mon Jan 21, 2013 10:53 pm

WOOOOOOOOOT!
TIME TO READ. I'll do an as-read review for this one as well.

by Kippershy Mon Jan 21, 2013 10:53 pm

Wub <3

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