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Fallout Equestria: Storm Chasers

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Fallout Equestria: Storm Chasers

Post by Chaotic Dreams on Mon Mar 17, 2014 8:00 pm

Hello, all. I am Chaotic Dreams, a new member of this site. I've recently begun my own Fallout: Equestria side story, just for fun. It is entitled Fallout Equestria: Storm Chasers (formerly Hyperion's Kaleidoscope) and I would greatly appreciate any feedback from anyone interested. You can find the story here: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/180447/fallout-equestria-storm-chasers. 

The brief synopsis of the story is as follows:
Surprise is a young pegasus mare eking out a modest existence as a third-rate Enclave soldier in the Primum Mobile Military Base, a remote weather outpost on the edge of the cloud cover. Life in the Equestrian Wasteland below is a constant fight for survival, but above the clouds, the worst thing Surprise has to deal with are the hallucinations caused by her schizophrenia.


However, when the base discovers a hurricane is headed towards Enclave airspace, Surprise is among those sent into action to try and intercept it. As Surprise quickly learns, though, the impending tempest is no ordinary storm. Rather, it is a militarized pegasus city from before the Great War, possessing enough prewar wonders and horrors to make whoever gains control of it the most powerful pony in the sky...if the city doesn't completely destroy the aerial nation of the Enclave.


Last edited by Chaotic Dreams on Tue Apr 29, 2014 9:23 pm; edited 2 times in total (Reason for editing : Link Change)

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Re: Fallout Equestria: Storm Chasers

Post by O. Hinds on Mon Mar 17, 2014 10:21 pm

Running Comments:
"I saw the first hint of dawn creeping over the horizon of the cloud cover, obscuring the lower stars with the dark blues, violets, and oranges of dawn."
You've got some repetition here; I'd try to find another way to say one of those "dawn"s.

"plugged in the far"
I'd use "in in" here, but I'm aware that some people dislike such constructions.

"and I had had to misfortune"
"the misfortune"

"Besides, it wasn’t like I had time to go back to sleep again, and even if I did, I couldn’t have done so with that insufferable feeling of my muscles being asleep, though the sensation was spread all across my body."
I'm not sure why you're using "though" there. It renders the intended meaning of the sentence unclear to me, and as such I unfortunately cannot advise a correction.

"The feeling, whatever it was, grew worse and worse. I tossed and turned, every motion making it feel worse."
"worse and worse" is fine, but the "worse" at the end seems too repetitive to me.

"bite or a breeding"
"or being a"

"You were born with it, it’s just a random occurrence"
A semicolon instead of a comma would be better there, I think.

"returned to her eyes and she stretched"
"eyes, and she"

"eventually the floor, were growing darker"
"the floor was growing", I think

"Firefly’s mane and tail stood on end, and I knew for certain that mine were as well."
"tail were standing", I think

And now I'm afraid that I'm going to stop remarking on every error I see, as I've a limited time tonight.

"I supposed that the rich prewar ponies who had vacationed here were simply rich enough (or lazy enough) to avoid flying should they not want to do so."
Or they might be non-pegasi rich enough to afford cloudwalking spells. It's understandable that that didn't occur to you (by which I mean Surprise), though.

"Unlike the rest of the hotel, the maintenance levels in the basement and subbasement were mostly composed of metal, all enchanted to float in the clouds."
Hm. Now that is very interesting. I expect that it wasn't particularly cheap, and there's no particular obvious reason to do it.

"before Celestia had abdicated near the start of the war."
Is this a writing error or the GPE revising history? Nine years out of twenty is closer to the beginning of the war than to the end, certainly, but I wouldn't call it "near the start".

"was both businesslike but decidedly"
"and decidedly"

"Was this hotel really one of Rainbow Dash’s safehouses?"
That would explain the metal.

"Dreading what I would see, I looked over my shoulder to see that the base... wasn’t there anymore. The Cloud Nine Resort, which had stood for over two centuries, was gone. In its place was a dissipating mass of cloudstuff strewn every which way, forming little hills in a circular pattern around an exposed foundation of jagged, blackened metal. Some the cloudstuff drifted free on the breeze, and some of it seemed to have been vaporized by the explosion entirely."
You know, some people might say that using a generator that could do that might be a poor design choice. I am not surprised to learn that they're not the ones who got the contract. :D

And the GPE's promotion system seems to be in nominal form.
Well, you've got an interesting premise here, and the mechanical quality of your writing seems to me at worst adequate. While it's hard to say more based on what's already here and it does not look, unfortunately, like this story will fit into my headcanon, I am interested in finding out what happens next.

Oh, and welcome to the forum!
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Storm Chasers

Post by O. Hinds on Thu Mar 20, 2014 1:18 pm

...So is no one else going to comment on this?
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Storm Chasers

Post by Chaotic Dreams on Tue Mar 25, 2014 12:30 pm

I have recently changed the title of my story to "Fallout Equestria: Storm Chasers."

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Re: Fallout Equestria: Storm Chasers

Post by O. Hinds on Tue Mar 25, 2014 4:19 pm

That does make a bit more sense. Though I'm not sure that I've much of a leg to stand on; I may not be the author, but PH hasn't exactly been in a hurry to explain its title. :)

You can change the name of this thread, by the way. I'm not sure if you've not done it because you didn't want to or because you didn't know that it was possible.
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Storm Chasers

Post by O. Hinds on Tue Mar 25, 2014 4:20 pm

And come on, everyone, it's been over a week. Why does this thread still only have two posters? If you don't like the story, you could at least say why.
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Storm Chasers

Post by Derpmind on Tue Mar 25, 2014 6:26 pm



So I was wondering why this story was in gdocs instead of on fimfiction, (and I really think it should be on fimfiction...) and I looked Chotic Dreams up on the site. I remember this author now, and every one of his stories I've read is seriously creative. I haven't read this story yet, but I'm going to make sure I read it at latest tomorrow because while I don't know if it's a story I will like I do know that I can recommend this story to everyone here based simply on my opinion that this person always writes interesting stories.

O. Hinds wrote:Well, you've got an interesting premise here, and the mechanical quality of your writing seems to me at worst adequate.  While it's hard to say more based on what's already here and it does not look, unfortunately, like this story will fit into my headcanon, I am interested in finding out what happens next.

Oh, and welcome to the forum!

I'm not sure that "not my headcanon" is, uh... well, it's... whatever.

Oh, and uh, hello.

Chaotic Dreams wrote:I have recently changed the title of my story to "Fallout Equestria: Storm Chasers."

I think you can edit the tile of the thread? *Shrug*
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Storm Chasers

Post by O. Hinds on Tue Mar 25, 2014 7:06 pm

Derpmind wrote:I'm not sure that "not my headcanon" is, uh... well, it's... whatever.
What?
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Storm Chasers

Post by Chaotic Dreams on Tue Mar 25, 2014 8:40 pm

Sorry, I didn't realize the title of the thread could be changed. Now that I've figured out how to do so, I want to thank you both for commenting on the thread and taking a look (or planning on taking a look) at the story. I greatly appreciate it!

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Re: Fallout Equestria: Storm Chasers

Post by Chaotic Dreams on Fri Apr 18, 2014 2:37 pm

The amazing DoomSp0rk of DeviantArt has created some awesome cover art for "Storm Chasers:"

LINK

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Re: Fallout Equestria: Storm Chasers

Post by O. Hinds on Fri Apr 18, 2014 4:27 pm

Chaotic Dreams wrote:The amazing DoomSp0rk of DeviantArt has created some awesome cover art for "Storm Chasers:"

LINK
Nice!

...Also pretty much the design I had for the Hurricane-class mobile fortresses, a cloud disk supporting a platform and central citadel with possibly a superweapon poking out the bottom of the disk. Mine was more of a fortress/warship and less of a city, but I suppose that it's a natural design for something called Hurricane. :)
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