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Fan Fic: Corporal Dash and Private Pie

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Fan Fic: Corporal Dash and Private Pie

Post by jacky2734 on Thu Jan 03, 2013 12:26 am

Okay, so I got this idea and I couldn't get it out of my head, so I'm taking a stab at writing it just for kicks. I'm just going to write the prologue right now to see what you all think before I go anywhere with it.

---

Prologue:
Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie sat there in front of the display at Bon Bon's Candy Store, staring at the arrangement of Terrific Truffle Treats™, the, sweetest, tastiest, most delicious treat in the whole store, and, coincidentally, the most expensive sweet in the whole town. A single piece cost thirty bits, and Bon Bon only made them for one week a year.

Unfortunately for Rainbow and Pinkie, they only had twenty-eight bits between them, and Bon Bon was notorious for being a scrooge about giving discounts.

"Come on Pinkie," the chromatic pegasus pleaded to her friend. "You've got to have another two bits somewhere on you."

"Sorry Dashie," Pinkie Shrugged, "but between party supplies, Gummy Chow™, and gifts for the twins' upcoming unbirthday party, my budget is REALLY low this month. What about you? I thought you got a bonus from the Weather Factory this month."

Dash rubbed the back of her head sheepishly. "Well, I kinda already used the money."

"On what?"

"Season Tickets for the Wonderbolts." Rainbow stated with a look of pride on her face.

"What?!" The bubbly mare yelled. "But you knew Bon Bon was making the truffles this month. Why didn't you save some bits?"

Dash rolled her eyes. "Oh like you're one to talk. Was that Full-auto upgrade to your Party Cannon really necessary?"

"Hey!" Pinkie stated, her voice slightly raised. "That feature was an investment in party management efficiency." The pink Earth Pony calmed down a bit before continuing. "Besides, if I hadn't gotten it, than the whole plot would have been derailed."

Before Rainbow could ask what the hay that meant, the two mares heard a mare's cheerful voice coming from the checkout line.

"Three Truffles, that will be Twenty-five bits sir."

The two mares stopped their bickering and looked over with confusion as an uniformed stallion gave Bon Bon some bit in exchange for a bag of treats.

"Thank you ma'am." The stallion stated.

"Oh no, thank you." Bon Bon replied, "It was a pleasure doing business with you."

The stallion smiled, nodded, and then turned to leave, never noticing the two gaping mares staring at him.

Rainbow Dash didn't miss a beat. As soon as the door closed behind the stallion, she darted over to the cashier stand and got into the candymare's face. "Yo Bonny, what's the big idea? You never give discounts like that."

To her credit, Bon Bon wasn't nearly as shocked by the outburst as Rainbow thought she would be. She merely pushed Dash back over the counter and then spoke calmly and clearly.

"If you must know, Rainbow Dash," she stated. "It's a new policy from the bureaucrats in Canterlot. All members of the Equestrian Armed Forces, including reserves, are to be given a discount at any participating store, and it just so happens that my store is participating."

Dash processed the information and then asked, "So can you give me and Pinkie a discount too?"

At this, Bon Bon burst out laughing for a full minute before deadpanning and flatly saying, "No."

"But we're national heroes!"

"Well, you're not in the Armed Forces."

"But we stopped Discord, Nightmare Moon, the Changeling Invasion, and King Sombra."

"And when the government tells me I have to give you a discount for doing so, I will. Until then, however, no discount for you."

The cyan pegasus' nostrils flared. "We'll see about that."

~~~

*The Ponyville Branch of the Equestrian Armed Reserves*
*Two Hours Later*


Pinkie Pie looked nervously down at the paper she was about to sign. "I don't know if this is such a good idea Rainbow."

The self proclaimed "Fastest Flyer in all of Equestria" looked up from signing her own papers. "Will you relax Pinkie. It's not like we'll really have to do anything." She then paused and turned to the old sergeant who was overseeing them. "Just so we're clear, all we have to do is sign these papers to get the armed services privileges, and then we don't have to do anything else, correct?"

The old sergeant spoke in a gruff voice. "Yep, you don't even need to go through basic training. Unless, of course, war were declared."

Pinkie gasped and quickly grabbed Dash in shock. "Did you here that Dashie, we might have to go to war!"

"Relax Pinkie." Rainbow stated calmly. "Equestria hasn't been in a war in over five-hundred years, and it's not like the Princess's will declare a state of war the moment we sign."

Pinky relaxed and let go of her friend. "Oh, okay, that makes sense I guess." The party mare went back to her papers and finished filling them out.

Ten minutes later, the two Mares had their paperwork finished and filed away, and were just handed their EAS discount cards.

Rainbow turned to her friend. "See Pinkie, I told you it'd be no problem."

Just then, the room was filled with flashing red lights and a loud alarm noise.

Rainbow clasped her hooves over her ears and shouted to the the Sergeant, "What the hay does that mean?!"

The sergeant steeped his hooves, leaned forward in his chair, and calmly stated in his gruff voice, "War were declared."

Behind her, a horrified Rainbow Dash heard Pinkie mumble, "but I didn't get my truffle."
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Re: Fan Fic: Corporal Dash and Private Pie

Post by Plasticube on Thu Jan 03, 2013 1:07 am

Well it's better than anything I have managed to write.

Pinkie seems very....Pinkie and the idea behind it is interesting.

Keep at it, I'm sure all the other writers on this forum can help you fix any major problems when it's done. =)

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Re: Fan Fic: Corporal Dash and Private Pie

Post by jacky2734 on Sat Jan 05, 2013 7:29 pm

Alright, I guess I should have been clearer.

Could I please get some comments on this. What you liked, what you didn't like, if you see any spelling or grammar errors, etc. I'd really like to hear what more people thought of the start of the story.

@Plasticube
Thanks for the comment.
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Re: Fan Fic: Corporal Dash and Private Pie

Post by Plasticube on Mon Jan 07, 2013 12:12 am

Well i liked Pinkie Pie overall, the use of ™ was a bit of a fourth wall break and made sense to me when Pinkie was speaking but felt out of place when used for the Terrific Truffle Treats™.

I would like to see more done with Rainbow Dash i don't like or hate her but that's probably because there hasn't been an action scenes yet.

And I'm the last person you want to check spelling or grammar, I use auto-correct way too often. Shy

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Re: Fan Fic: Corporal Dash and Private Pie

Post by Ketchup on Mon Jan 07, 2013 9:23 am

It's like that one episode of Futurama, where Fry and Bender join the army for a gum discount.
Like, exactly the same.
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Re: Fan Fic: Corporal Dash and Private Pie

Post by jacky2734 on Tue Jan 08, 2013 12:26 am

Ketchup wrote:It's like that one episode of Futurama, where Fry and Bender join the army for a gum discount.
Like, exactly the same.
Yeah, well, I needed a funny way to get the two of them in the army, and that scene was the first thing to come to mind. I was also hoping someone would post a screencap of the "War were declared" guy just for a laugh. I promise that this scene is the only thing the story has in common with the Futurama episode.
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Re: Fan Fic: Corporal Dash and Private Pie

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