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Fluttershy Fanfic
by Fluttershy Sat Nov 26, 2011 10:42 pm
I've posted this fanfic before and I want to post it here for the viewing pleasure. It's going to be a bit "Risqué" so prepare yourselves.
(Note: It's fairly long)
Disclaimer: This Fanfic does involve an animal's death and Fluttershy crying. I apologize if you hate me for creating this. We all know people hate the creator of Cupcakes...
Title: Friendship is difficult (give title suggestions)
Thank you for reading! Let me know if I made any misspellings and give your honest Review! I know it's pretty rushed, but hey. Nobody's perfect.
(Note: It's fairly long)
Disclaimer: This Fanfic does involve an animal's death and Fluttershy crying. I apologize if you hate me for creating this. We all know people hate the creator of Cupcakes...
Title: Friendship is difficult (give title suggestions)
- Spoiler:
- Today was an average day in Ponyville. The sun had been shining bright and the town was bustling with ponies, all following their own schedule planned the day before. Fluttershy was in her favourite grocery store buying food for all her animals, figuring out which products were the best while staying within her budget. When she finally finished her shopping, she headed back home to refill the food bowls for her animals, excited to see the happy looks on their faces as they munched down the food they loved so much.
Fluttershy was almost home when she heard some rustling in the bushes beside the path leading to her house. She started to get curious and trotted closer to figure out what was making such a racket. She pushed branches and leaves away to make room for her to pass. When She saw what was making the noise, she gasped and ran over to it.
"Oh my gosh! Are you alright, little guy?" Fluttershy asked in concern.
A small chicken had a branch through its leg. Bark had penetrated straight through. The chicken writhed in agony as it tried yanking the branch out. Fluttershy stroked its head lightly to calm it down.
The chicken noticed of Fluttershy. It could see the warmth in her eyes, telling him that there was nothing to fear calming it down enough so she could help it out.
"I won't lie. This will really hurt but only for a second. Okay?" Fluttershy said, trying to reassure the chicken.
The chicken prepared itself for the pain it was about to recieve. As Fluttershy yanked out the branch, the chicken winced in pain, trying to hold back any cries as best as it could. The chicken could still feel the pain, but it could feel it's leg was better than before. It suddenly felt itself being lifted up. The chicken looked around and noticed it was on the back of the mare that had helped it. Her tail started to stroke the chicken on the tummy. He felt like he was in heaven. The chicken could hear Fluttershy said "There there little fella."
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Fluttershy arrived back to her house. She was greeted by Angel hopping excitedly in front of her expecting his carrots.
"In a minute, Angel. Momma has to take care of something first."
Fluttershy proceeded to her couch to lay the chicken and her bags down. She rushed to her kitchen to grab her first-aid kit to bandage up the chicken's leg. Rushing back to the couch, she flicked open the small, green box and pulled out a roll of white fabric. she unrolled the fabric and wrapped it around the chicken's injured leg. She quickly grabbed some scissors and sticky tape, cutting the roll from the leg and sticking the leftover fabric onto it. Fluttershy loved using her first-aid kit; it made her feel like a doctor, a job she would love if she did not prefer caring for small animals over ponies.
"Are you feeling better now?" asked Fluttershy. The chicken nodded.
"Okay, good. I'll be right back. I need to feed the animals," Fluttershy said, seeming a bit more cheery.
She picked up one of her bags and trotted outside.
As the yellow mare left the house, the chicken noticed a small, white bunny hop towards him. The white fur-ball hopped up onto the couch and started sniffing the bag Fluttershy left behind. The rabbit used one of its paws to undo the flap and flick it open. The bunny jumped into the bag. After a few seconds, the bunny hopped out with three carrots in its paws. The bunny hopped over to the chicken and started to sniff it too. The chicken tried to say hello, but the bunny took no interest and hopped over to its bed to munch away at the carrots, determined to eat them all. Was it so desperate for food? the chicken thought.
Fluttershy skipped back in happily and noticed Angel munching at a carrot with two more beside him.
"No, Angel! Only one carrot before bedtime!" scolded Fluttershy. Angel crossed his arms and gave her a cross look.
"You can have the other two tomorrow, Angel. You can't eat too much or you'll get a tummy ache," explained Fluttershy.
Angel threw the other two carrots at Fluttershy's face, causing her to almost fall over. When she looked again, Angel had his back to her while munching on the carrot he had before. Fluttershy sighed and put the carrots back into her bag. She drew her attention back to the chicken and noticed how serious the leg wound was. The bandages had nearly turned completely red.
"Oh no! You're bleeding more than I thought you were ! This is bad!" Fluttershy panicked
Fluttershy rushed back to her kit and redid the bandages, only thicker than the last time. When Fluttershy had finished, she settled down and put the first-aid kit back. Fluttershy trotted back to the chicken to check if it was okay.
"Are you feeling any better?" She asked.
The chicken replied with another nod, but more energetic than his last one.
"You're still not in pain are you?" She asked trying to see reassure the chicken and herself.
The chicken lowered its head and nod slower than before.
"Aw you poor thing. I'll get you a pain killer" Fluttershy replied
Fluttershy trotted over to her cupboard, opened it and scanned the shelves for a painkiller. She quickly noticed it and reached her neck in to grab the bottle and put it on the counter. Fluttershy closed the cupboard and opened another that was filled with glasses and mugs. Fluttershy picked up the closest one she could find and put it under the cold tap of her sink. The cup was filled up roughly halfway. Fluttershy opened the cap of the painkiller and dropped 2 pills into the cup. The water started fogging up slightly from the pills, almost resembling milk. Fluttershy brought the glass over and gave it to the chicken.
The chicken reached out with its right wing and grabbed hold on the cold glass. It wasn't sure what to do, so it looked at the yellow mare hoping for assistance. The yellow mare appeared to be lifting its hoof up to its mouth. The chicken had assumed it meant pouring it into its mouth and decided to imitate the movements the mare had shown it.
Fluttershy was happy that the chicken was drinking and seemed healthy, other than the wound, but now that she looked at the chicken... it seemed to be depressed. Like it wasn't happy it was going to get better. However, Fluttershy pushed back this thought and only assumed it just didn't like being in pain, because who does?
The chicken had finished drinking its glass and looked at Fluttershy. It tried to be polite and smile, but its smile looked forced. Fluttershy could tell that he was upset and its smile had shown it. Fluttershy only hoped that he would start to feel better soon so that she didn't have to see it upset for too long.
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6 Days had passed since Fluttershy had brought the chicken to her home and it hadn't shown any signs of its leg healing over. Fluttershy had started to worry something could be wrong with its leg. Fluttershy started to think of any way to find out what could be wrong. Then a thought sprung to her mind. She could visit Applejack! Applejack works on a farm, so she had to know something that could help the chicken heal over faster. Fluttershy trotted over to the chicken she had named Dexter. She had asked if it had a name, but it didn't respond, so she told it that she was going to call it Dexter. It appeared to like the name, but she couldn't be sure.
"Okay Dexter. Lets go. We need to see what's going on with your leg." Fluttershy said trying to give Dexter the motivation to pull himself up onto her back.
Fluttershy helped Dexter up by using her wing as a sort of moving platform. She then proceeded to grab a carrot from her cupboard and leave it on Angel's bed and trotting out of the door.
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Fluttershy trotted up to Applejack's front door and gave a few light knock with her left hoof. After waiting a few seconds, the door opened up to reveal a tall, red, well built stallion that Fluttershy recognised as Big McIntosh.
"Well hello there Fluttershy" Big mac said in his signature monotone voice. "What brings ya' here?"
"Um... hi Big mac. I was wondering where Applejack was." Replied Fluttershy nervously
"She's inside havin' a nap. Would ya like to come in?"
"Yes please."
Big Mac pushed the door open a bit wider and gestured for Fluttershy to come in. He noticed the chicken on Fluttershy's back, but paid no mind to it.
"She's upstairs." said Big Mac
"Um... Thanks" Replied Fluttershy
Fluttershy headed upstairs and looked around for Applejack's room. She remembered visiting Applejack's place before for a sleepover once. She recognised Applejack's bedroom door and its signature 'Do not Disturb' sign. Fluttershy tried knocking harder than she did at the front door. Fluttershy recalled Applejack being a fairly heavy sleeper.
*Clok Clok Clok*...no reply. *CLOK CLOK CLOK*... nothing. Fluttershy didn't want to seem too rude, so instead she slowly trotted into Applejack's room.
As Fluttershy walked in, she noticed Applejack under the covers of her bed. Applejack seemed to be in a very deep sleep. Fluttershy wanted to get help from Applejack, but she didn't want to rudely awake her. Then again, she was desperate to try and get Dexter back on his feet. Fluttershy placed her front hooves on Applejack's shoulders and shook her very lightly. Applejack showed no reaction, so Fluttershy tried shaking harder and prompting her.
"Wake up Applejack." Whispered Fluttershy.
Suddenly, Applejack's eyes snapped open. She got up and examined her surroundings and noticed a slightly confused and scared Fluttershy.
"Oh. It's you Fluttershy." said Applejack relieving herself. "Why are you here? and why did you wake me up?" She asked.
"I... um... I kind of..." Fluttershy tried gathering the words into her mouth. She was pretty shocked by Applejack's sudden wake up. "I need your help with something" Fluttershy said finally managing to form the sentence.
"Well good gravy girl! What could be so important that you had to wake me up from mah nap?" Applejack said groggily.
"You see, I found this chicken in the woods injured and writhing in pain, so I took it in to heal it up. He seemed fine at first, but his wound hasn't gotten any better and I've had to change bandages constantly." Fluttershy explained almost too fast fro Applejack to make out.
"Okay well lets see it then." Applejack yawned.
Fluttershy spun her body to the side to show Dexter, who looked in a very sorry state.
"Oh mah stars! He looks absolutely beaten and shaken! Just what have happened to him?" Applejack said suddenly concerned.
"I found him with a tree branch stabbing right through his foot. It was an awful sight" Fluttershy said
"Well lets have a look at that wound." Applejack said
Fluttershy slowly lowered Dexter onto Applejack's bed which, coincidentally, was right on Applejack's lap.
Applejack looked at Dexter's bandages and untied them to get a better look at the damage. When she looked at the leg, it had a gaping hole inside of it. The bone had been fractured, the blood had stopped pumping and it looked like it had been infected. Applejack raised her head and sighed heavily.
"W-what's wrong?" Fluttershy asked concerned.
Applejack raised her head "This leg ain't gonna heal by itself or by any other means of medical care. The blood ain't pumping through no more and it looks like it's been infected. Ah'm very sorry." Applejack lowered her head and her ears flopped down with it too.
"So... what can we do?" Fluttershy asked.
"There's nothing we can do. All you're doing, is making the bird suffer. I'm very sorry about this sugarcube, but we're..." Applejack sighed really heavily "We're goin' ta have ta put it down." Applejack started to crack up in her voice.
Fluttershy took a few steps back. "It can't be." Fluttershy said tearing up.
"Ah'm afraid there ain't" Applejack replied bluntly.
"You're lying!" Fluttershy shouted, tears now rolling down her face.
"Does it look like ah'm liein'!" Applejack replied, raising her voice.
"There has to be another way! You're just lying!" Fluttershy yelled through her tears
"Ah'm the element of honesty! Ah could never lie!" Applejack yelled back.
Fluttershy looked down. Tears started to drip down onto the floor. Fluttershy tried to speak up, but she didn't know what else to say.
Applejack looked at Fluttershy. She hated seeing Fluttershy so upset. It seemed so unlike her. Applejack tried to comfort her.
"Look, sometimes in nature... you have to let animals die. If they suffer too much, there's no point in letting 'em go through it any longer. I know you hate hurting animals, but you don't have to do it. I can do it if you like." Applejack said with a calm and caring tone.
Fluttershy didn't want Applejack to be correct, but she couldn't deny it either. She had to let the chicken stop suffering. After a moment of silence between the two ponies, Fluttershy had to break the silence.
"Okay." Fluttershy said quietly "I know I have no choice." She said.
"Ah'm real sorry, but if there were another way ah would pick it." Applejack said reassuringly.
"I know" Fluttershy said trying to hold back what tears she had left.
Dexter looked at both of them and knew what they were talking about. He was in pain, but Fluttershy was there the entire time comforting him which made it all the more bearable. However, the pain had been getting worse every day. He didn't know how long he would be able to take it. So by himself, after listening to the argument between the two ponies, he accepted his fate.
"Lets go sugarcube. Best not to let time be wasted." Applejack said getting out of bed and lifting the chicken onto her back.
Fluttershy could only nod and follow Applejack with her head down.
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After making it outside and hiding in the back of the barn where the animals couldn't see what was about to happen, Applejack lay Dexter onto his back and lay a piece of wood on his neck.
"Are ya' sure ya' want to be here when ah do this?" Applejack asked
"Yes. I've looked after him all this time, it's only fair I be with him until the end" Fluttershy said still drying her tears
Applejack looked at dexter and lay her front hooves on the wood that was on Dexter's neck.
"Are you suffocating him? I don't want him to be in my pain!" Fluttershy quickly snapped
"No. This here wood ain't enough to suffocate a chicken. Ah'm goin' ta break his neck. It's the fastest way ah know." Applejack explained.
Applejack grabbed Dexter's legs and started to pull, but then Dexter began to yell and squawk.
"No he's in pain!" Fluttershy said crying
Applejack stopped in confusion.
"Odd. They usually just stay quiet..." Applejack said puzzled.
Dexter, regaining his breath, forcefully turned his head toward Fluttershy, who was just next to him.
"Oh ah get it!" Applejack realised something
"What?" Fluttershy asked confused.
"He wants you to do it." Applejack said, almost sounding a bit cheerful.
"But... but..." Fluttershy debated with herself, then finally gave up. She couldn't take it any more. "...okay... I'll do it." Fluttershy started to form tears again
As Fluttershy did what Applejack instructed to do in order to break the neck, Fluttershy noticed Dexter's face. He seemed... happy. He looked like he was glad that Fluttershy would send him off. Fluttershy suddenly welled up inside, but forced the tears back down.
"Now. you pull on the legs." Applejack instructed
Fluttershy looked into Dexter's eyes and Dexter did the same. Fluttershy could almost see what he was thinking. Dexter started to smile, but this time it was happier and less forced than last time. He was truly happy that he spent his last days with such a kind and caring pony.
Fluttershy couldn't hold her tears any longer and as she grunted to cry, she yanked the legs as hard as she could and she heard a snap in the neck. When she looked at Dexter's face, she saw a lifeless, chicken head. Fluttershy couldn't hold back her emotions any more. She walked over to Applejack, crying and seeking comfort.
Applejack understood how Fluttershy felt. She let Fluttershy cry over her shoulder as she stroked her mane, to try and give her comfort she needed.
"Ah know sugarcube. It was painful my first time too." Applejack comforted Fluttershy
Fluttershy didn't respond. She let herself cry out every amount of tears she had left. She couldn't help, but let the tears run as she whimpered and sniffled on Applejack's shoulder.
About 5 minuets had passed, for what seemed like an eternity to Fluttershy. Rainbow Dash started to walk in.
"Hey AJ! Have you-" Rainbow looked puzzled at the image she started to see.
Rainbow slowly trotted over, meeting Applejack with Fluttershy uncontrollably crying on her shoulder.
"Can ya' do us a favour RD?" Applejack asked under her breath "could ya please tell the girls about Fluttershy and how upset she is?"
"Got it" Rainbow replied.
Applejack wanted to let the others know that Fluttershy is upset so that they could at least know to be at least comforting.
Rainbow Dash boosted off to tell the others, leaving Fluttershy and Applejack behind.
"It's okay Fluttershy. He's in a better place now." Applejack said soothingly
"H... How do you keep it bottled up like that? It's just so hard!" Fluttershy cried
"It's the life a farmer must lead. We have to be able to care for our animals, but we can't care for every animal."
"I... I feel so sorry for you."
"Why?"
"Having to go through all that and keep it hidden from everyone else. It must be so sad." Fluttershy started calming down
"Well at times, it is. If there's an animal that you share a bond with, but you gotta let it go... it's one of the most painful things Ah've ever experienced." Applejack said, hugging Fluttershy tighter.
"I hope I don't have to experience that again" Fluttershy cried through her tears.
"You and me both..." Applejack quietly replied.
Fluttershy finally managed to dry her tears, but she was still crying on the inside. She looked at Dexter's corpse and reassured herself that he's in a better place now. She let out a big sigh and sat down. Fluttershy suddenly missed crying on Applejack's shoulder. It comforted her. She felt safe, but she completely cried everything out of her. She just sniffled and got back up.
There were noises form the barn door. It was her friends. Fluttershy felt relieved her friends were here. She had definitely learned an important lesson about, not just friendship, life. Fluttershy decided she will move on, but she will not forget Dexter. She will remember him as a valuable friend who taught her how hard reality can hit you and next time, she will be prepared.
The End
Thank you for reading! Let me know if I made any misspellings and give your honest Review! I know it's pretty rushed, but hey. Nobody's perfect.
Last edited by Fluttershy on Tue Nov 29, 2011 2:41 pm; edited 2 times in total (Reason for editing : corrections)
Fluttershy- Royal Alicorn
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Re: Fluttershy Fanfic
by Crona The Critic Sat Nov 26, 2011 11:04 pm
I almost cried.Fluttershy wrote:What is it? Did i do something wrong?
:c
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Re: Fluttershy Fanfic
by Fluttershy Sat Nov 26, 2011 11:05 pm
Was it that good? Perhaps I should make it more known to the public...
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Re: Fluttershy Fanfic
by Guest Sat Nov 26, 2011 11:14 pm
dude, i'd say that was one of the saddest, yet well-written fanfics i've seen in a while. couple spelling errors, but no one's perfect. great job! :D try submitting it to equestria daily
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Re: Fluttershy Fanfic
by Fluttershy Sat Nov 26, 2011 11:16 pm
Thank you and please remember not to double post. I have combined your two messages, but please remember next time not to do that.
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Re: Fluttershy Fanfic
by Guest Sat Nov 26, 2011 11:23 pm
sorry, im used to commenting on facebook and such, it'll take some getting used to for me
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Re: Fluttershy Fanfic
by Crona The Critic Sat Nov 26, 2011 11:28 pm
It's all good mate.danabler42 wrote:sorry, im used to commenting on facebook and such, it'll take some getting used to for me
Why don't you go and get yourself an avatar?
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Re: Fluttershy Fanfic
by Guest Sat Nov 26, 2011 11:29 pm
Alright, a few things:
- Chickens aren't pheasants
- Like you said, a few spelling errors but they're all fixable by good old F7
- "Fluttershy felt really sorry for". "really sorry" is more of a conversational tone, it's a tad jarring to read in the prose.
- "The chicken suddenly took notice to Fluttershy" is a sentence fragment. Something like "The chicken suddenly noticed Fluttershy" or "The chicken took notice of Fluttershy".
- Remember the difference between its and it's. "A small chicken had caught it's leg in a branch." reads as "A small chicken had caught it is leg in a branch.""
- ""Can ya' do us a favour RD?" Applejack asked under her breath "Please let the girls know 'kay?"" Rainbow knew from just seeing her crying that she'd killed a chicken? Or was she just letting the other know Fluttershy was upset? It needs a tad more description. Also: a comma between know and 'kay would help to make the conversation sound more natural
These are just the things that jumped out at me when I first read it, if you want me to I can go over it in depth. There's definitely something there, it just needs some tweaking to get it to shine. Also: get a few pre-readers, they're fantastic for finding grammar and spelling mistakes.
I liked it, although the subject was a tad dark for my tastes. Fluttershy and AJ acted well within character, and it was genuinely upsetting to read about her putting the chicken down.
- Chickens aren't pheasants
- Like you said, a few spelling errors but they're all fixable by good old F7
- "Fluttershy felt really sorry for". "really sorry" is more of a conversational tone, it's a tad jarring to read in the prose.
- "The chicken suddenly took notice to Fluttershy" is a sentence fragment. Something like "The chicken suddenly noticed Fluttershy" or "The chicken took notice of Fluttershy".
- Remember the difference between its and it's. "A small chicken had caught it's leg in a branch." reads as "A small chicken had caught it is leg in a branch.""
- ""Can ya' do us a favour RD?" Applejack asked under her breath "Please let the girls know 'kay?"" Rainbow knew from just seeing her crying that she'd killed a chicken? Or was she just letting the other know Fluttershy was upset? It needs a tad more description. Also: a comma between know and 'kay would help to make the conversation sound more natural
These are just the things that jumped out at me when I first read it, if you want me to I can go over it in depth. There's definitely something there, it just needs some tweaking to get it to shine. Also: get a few pre-readers, they're fantastic for finding grammar and spelling mistakes.
I liked it, although the subject was a tad dark for my tastes. Fluttershy and AJ acted well within character, and it was genuinely upsetting to read about her putting the chicken down.
Last edited by Common on Sat Nov 26, 2011 11:32 pm; edited 2 times in total (Reason for editing : Formatting for ease of reading)
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Re: Fluttershy Fanfic
by Fluttershy Sat Nov 26, 2011 11:34 pm
Common wrote:
I liked it, although the subject was a tad dark for my tastes. Fluttershy and AJ acted well within character, and it was genuinely upsetting to read about her putting the chicken down.
Thank you for pointing out my mistakes. I'll be sure to correct them ASAP. Plus I originally got the idea from some chickens I had to put down myself. I volunteered for the job, but I didn't realise the weight a kill can put on you. This got me thinking on how Fluttershy would act if she was put through the same situation. Thanks for the kind words nonetheless.
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Re: Fluttershy Fanfic
by Linguz Sun Nov 27, 2011 10:26 am
Good story. Could be made better through many improvements. The first is more use of pronouns. Count the amount of times you say Fluttershy in a single paragraph. Minute is how one spells the word in American English, not minuet, which I'm unsure if it's in a different English or not. Don't use numbers in number form, use them as words. Four not 4. Only capitalize the first word of a sentence, this is where you said 4 Days. Speech uses a slightly different comma and capitalization usage, the Goolge Doc I posted in another topic shows you how it's done. The point of view switches wildly, what point of view were you going for here? 3rd person omniscient or 3rd person limited omniscient. That's all I can remember off the top of my head. If you want, I can do a line-by-line revision.
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Re: Fluttershy Fanfic
by InterNutter Sun Nov 27, 2011 4:42 pm
::sniff:: ::wibble::
Sad story is sad :(
More coherent review when I can hold myself together ;)
Sad story is sad :(
More coherent review when I can hold myself together ;)
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Re: Fluttershy Fanfic
by Fluttershy Sun Nov 27, 2011 4:44 pm
Did it, in all honestly, make you cry? Or are you being figurative? It's the internet, we can't exactly tell sarcasm so I'm sorry if I'm nagging or anything of the like.
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Re: Fluttershy Fanfic
by InterNutter Sun Nov 27, 2011 5:27 pm
I teared up a bit. True fact. I managed to retain control, though, and not turn into a bawling mess.
That sort of thing upsets the kiddies.
That sort of thing upsets the kiddies.
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Re: Fluttershy Fanfic
by Fluttershy Sun Nov 27, 2011 5:28 pm
InterNutter wrote:I teared up a bit. True fact. I managed to retain control, though, and not turn into a bawling mess.
That sort of thing upsets the kiddies.
Okay thank you. I didn't realise how good this was... although not everyone looks up to their own work.
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Re: Fluttershy Fanfic
by Linguz Mon Nov 28, 2011 11:12 am
I'm doing corrections on paper right now. Something that bothers me: You switch between he, she, and it for everyone, particularly the chicken.
I have to ask: When the fic was completed, did you print it out and read it start to end?
I have to ask: When the fic was completed, did you print it out and read it start to end?
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Re: Fluttershy Fanfic
by Fluttershy Mon Nov 28, 2011 12:27 pm
The paragraphs are meant to change when you switch to someone else's view. In the chicken's view, he knew he was a male and didn't know Fluttershy or Angel, so He could only describe them as "The yellow mare" or "That bunny" Fluttershy also wouldn't know Dexters name right away nor his gender, so she would think of him as an "It" catch my drift?
Plus I typed it up on the spot and re-read it twice to see what I needed to fix and change some less creative sentences.
Plus I typed it up on the spot and re-read it twice to see what I needed to fix and change some less creative sentences.
Fluttershy- Royal Alicorn
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Re: Fluttershy Fanfic
by Linguz Mon Nov 28, 2011 1:24 pm
The difference between rereading it on the computer and on paper is the mistakes you catch. I can catch a whole lot more mistakes and things I would change on paper than on a computer.
It seems to me that during Dexter's paragraphs, he calls himself an "it" and Fluttershy by her name. This also happens vice-versa, calling Dexter a "he" during Fluttershy's paragraphs. Changing points of view so often will cause mess ups like this.
I'll look over my corrections when I finish and make sure I get who the story is following and how the its and hes and shes are used.
It seems to me that during Dexter's paragraphs, he calls himself an "it" and Fluttershy by her name. This also happens vice-versa, calling Dexter a "he" during Fluttershy's paragraphs. Changing points of view so often will cause mess ups like this.
I'll look over my corrections when I finish and make sure I get who the story is following and how the its and hes and shes are used.
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Re: Fluttershy Fanfic
by Fluttershy Mon Nov 28, 2011 1:26 pm
Well I will correct the "It" problem if I can, but the reason he calls her Fluttershy is because you would think he would have picked up on her name during the 6 day skip. Perhaps I'll need to add a section to where she tries to talk to him and introduces herself.
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Re: Fluttershy Fanfic
by Linguz Mon Nov 28, 2011 1:29 pm
The 6 day break, wouldn't Fluttershy see that something was wrong before the infection gets this bad if she was changing his bandages every day?
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Re: Fluttershy Fanfic
by Fluttershy Mon Nov 28, 2011 1:31 pm
I have a lot of work to do... Fluttershy only changed the bandages when the blood started to show through the bandages. She thought it was getting a little better because of it, but didn't notice that the leg had an infection. I'll change this as soon as I can, but I'm busy with a lot of things.
Fluttershy- Royal Alicorn
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Re: Fluttershy Fanfic
by Linguz Mon Nov 28, 2011 1:33 pm
Alright. I'll point it out in my review, don't change things yet because if you do, I'll have to redo the entire thing to take in those changes. I should get it done today or tomorrow. If it's done tomorrow, it'll be during my study hall at the start of the day.
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Re: Fluttershy Fanfic
by Fluttershy Mon Nov 28, 2011 1:35 pm
Okay. I'll be changing it when you post your review. I'll only be adding scenes to fill in plot holes. You can fix the grammar errors if you wish, but as long as it's readable for everyone I won't change that.
Fluttershy- Royal Alicorn
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Re: Fluttershy Fanfic
by Linguz Mon Nov 28, 2011 1:37 pm
Alright. I'll probably do it in a GoogleDoc and just put the link up. It's where I've done my reviews in the past.
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Re: Fluttershy Fanfic
by Linguz Tue Nov 29, 2011 8:47 am
I have started putting it together right here.
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Similar topics» Announcement from Fluttershy... again.
» [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
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» Need opinions for new FanFic
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» [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
» Fanfic: Eclipse
» Need opinions for new FanFic
» For Fanfic Authors
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