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Obsolete thread - cannot delete myself

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Obsolete thread - cannot delete myself

Post by Kippershy on Sat Aug 25, 2012 3:32 pm

Obsolete now.


Last edited by Kippershy on Tue Aug 28, 2012 5:16 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Kippershy
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Re: Obsolete thread - cannot delete myself

Post by Overlong Analysis Cobalt on Sun Aug 26, 2012 1:52 am

Hmm. Well, the prose is overwrought, to be sure, but that can be a cool stylistic choice if done well. It's not very engaging in this one, though. Might try more clever word choices, wordplay, that sort of thing - if he's intent on giving the characters an air of classiness, a bit of wit will go a long way to selling that.

The tenses are often switched up, making the nature of the narrator confusing. Sometimes, the point of view switches, too; there should be some sort of signal for this, like italics or what-have-you. Even then, he should try to maintain a less broad spectrum of psychic distance (I believe that's the term).

The formatting had issues, too, but I figured that was at least partially from the copy+paste.

As to the fight scene itself, I'd recommend focusing much, much less on the blow-by-blow if he doesn't want to change his prose to something punchier, more kinetic. That's just my style, though.
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Overlong Analysis Cobalt
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Re: Obsolete thread - cannot delete myself

Post by Kippershy on Sun Aug 26, 2012 12:45 pm

Thanks, I'll pass that on over to him.
It's worded it a hell of a lot better then I could ever think to explain the problems I find with it.

Part of it for me is that I generally dislike fantasy settings - not entirely, but I'm picky as hell with them.
(Yet I'm still considering writing a fantasy fic after Broken Bonds, LOL)


I tried telling him today that there's too much focus on intricate, meaningless details (first example... why the hell mention where/who crafted the vampires blade?!) but he simply handwaved my comments away, no matter how constructive I tried to be when saying what I'd thought.



He said he wants it to be past tense, third person with hints of first.
It doesn't roll with me, not one bit. Can't keep focus when trying to read it.
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Kippershy
Lord of Derail

Posts : 3481
Brohoof! : 121
Join date : 2012-05-09
Age : 27
Location : Essex, England

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Sex: Male / Female
Species: Pegasus / Unicorn

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Re: Obsolete thread - cannot delete myself

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