Sister forum[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Harmony Ltd. Thu May 30, 2013 1:59 pm
Paypal, and Somber's email address is at the end of every chapters.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Kippershy Thu May 30, 2013 3:14 pm
Harmony Ltd. wrote:Again, what did we say about the whole 'self-loathing' thing,Kippershy wrote:My work doesn't deserve to motivate others. My work only deserves to be forgotten about.BlackJackKipper ?
That it's healthy?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Harmony Ltd. Thu May 30, 2013 3:17 pm
*combo facepalm plus groan*
Look, we're going to have to get other this again...
Do you know that saying about poisons and dosage ?
Look, we're going to have to get other this again...
Do you know that saying about poisons and dosage ?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Kippershy Thu May 30, 2013 3:25 pm
Nope, not heard that one actually.
And now I worry if we're just cloggin' up the thread now.
And now I worry if we're just cloggin' up the thread now.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Harmony Ltd. Thu May 30, 2013 3:45 pm
Well, it's been a slow few weeks anyway and I guess it can serve other people as well ? I don't fucking know...
Anyway, basically the saying goes like this :
"The dose makes the poison"
Which in this particular case mean that to not like some things about yourself is perfectly fine and normal in reasonable amounts, and that this can and should be a drive for self improvement ;
But when this reach a level where you hate yourself, when you feel you are worthless ? You're poisoning yourself. It's only destructive, and nothing good can come of it.
I guess what I'm saying is, I dunno, break the circle and learn to love yourself or some cheesy cliché shit like that ?
Anyway, basically the saying goes like this :
"The dose makes the poison"
Which in this particular case mean that to not like some things about yourself is perfectly fine and normal in reasonable amounts, and that this can and should be a drive for self improvement ;
But when this reach a level where you hate yourself, when you feel you are worthless ? You're poisoning yourself. It's only destructive, and nothing good can come of it.
I guess what I'm saying is, I dunno, break the circle and learn to love yourself or some cheesy cliché shit like that ?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Kippershy Thu May 30, 2013 3:58 pm
Well, you have a good point, on every part of that. Still..
I can't love myself. Accept myself? Sure. But especially with my work, until I've rewritten / reformatted all of the early chapters until they're all to the same standard, it'll be seen as crap.
I can't love myself. Accept myself? Sure. But especially with my work, until I've rewritten / reformatted all of the early chapters until they're all to the same standard, it'll be seen as crap.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Derpmind Thu May 30, 2013 4:10 pm
That you can improve things should only help you drive yourself. Just because things could/should be better doesn't mean that you should let yourself devalue what you already have. You have one muffin in hoof and two muffins in the bush. What you should do is eat the muffin in your hoof first, then attack the bush monster that stole your muffin horde.Kippershy wrote:Well, you have a good point, on every part of that. Still..
I can't love myself. Accept myself? Sure. But especially with my work, until I've rewritten / reformatted all of the early chapters until they're all to the same standard, it'll be seen as crap.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Harmony Ltd. Thu May 30, 2013 4:14 pm
Well, sure Kipper. *laugh*
I just meant that as a general advice, to be honest. Can't expect everything to be fixed forever just by going "lalala I'm AWESOME". I think we all know this isn't how things work. *laugh*
Just gotta balance all that emotional stuff, is all I'm saying.
(by the way, can we have a set of decent smiley which don't force me to literally write "*laugh*", "*smile*", "*frown*", and other basic emotions like that ?)
I just meant that as a general advice, to be honest. Can't expect everything to be fixed forever just by going "lalala I'm AWESOME". I think we all know this isn't how things work. *laugh*
Just gotta balance all that emotional stuff, is all I'm saying.
(by the way, can we have a set of decent smiley which don't force me to literally write "*laugh*", "*smile*", "*frown*", and other basic emotions like that ?)
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Harmony Ltd. Thu May 30, 2013 4:16 pm
*writhes on the floor frothing at the mouth*Derpmind wrote:your muffin horde
It's spelled "hoard"
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Kippershy Thu May 30, 2013 5:10 pm
swicked wrote:Heh, "deserves".Kippershy wrote:My work doesn't deserve to motivate others. My work only deserves to be forgotten about.
You wouldn't write it if you didn't find value in it, and people wouldn't read it if it wasn't worth their time.
I know, I know. I do find value in it and I do think there's more potential in the story than I can successfully make of it, but things like the beginning chapters being rough as all hell and some of the choices I've made through it all weren't the best and could have been handled a lot better by others.
I don't see how others find it good enough to love it like they do or find it motivating when all I see is ways I could improve it, ways I've failed it and the future for it which I doubt I could live up to / earn for it because I simply don't see myself as skilled enough to give it what it deserves.
Derpmind wrote:ThatKippershy wrote:Well, you have a good point, on every part of that. Still..
I
can't love myself. Accept myself? Sure. But especially with my work,
until I've rewritten / reformatted all of the early chapters until
they're all to the same standard, it'll be seen as crap.
you can improve things should only help you drive yourself. Just
because things could/should be better doesn't mean that you should let
yourself devalue what you already have. You have one muffin in hoof and
two muffins in the bush. What you should do is eat the muffin in your
hoof first, then attack the bush monster that stole your muffin horde.
If it's not my best, if it's not the best it could be... it ain't good enough.
Harmony Ltd. wrote:Well, sure Kipper. *laugh*
I just meant that as a general advice, to be honest. Can't expect everything to be fixed forever just by going "lalala I'm AWESOME". I think we all know this isn't how things work. *laugh*
Just gotta balance all that emotional stuff, is all I'm saying.
(by the way, can we have a set of decent smiley which don't force me to literally write "*laugh*", "*smile*", "*frown*", and other basic emotions like that ?)
True... true..
but this is me. I just... don't work like normal people.
Besides, why you typing out the smiley commands when you can just click 'em? Or do you not mean the pony smiles?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Kippershy Thu May 30, 2013 5:18 pm
swicked wrote:You may not be willing to say it in public, but you wouldn't be writing something you hated that much. I know you are happy after each completed chapter and arc, and you love all the feedback you get for it. It's not just that you wouldn't get feedback if it was actually crap, it's that you take the feedback and use it to improve that shows you take pride in your work.Kippershy wrote:Well, you have a good point, on every part of that. Still..
I can't love myself. Accept myself? Sure. But especially with my work, until I've rewritten / reformatted all of the early chapters until they're all to the same standard, it'll be seen as crap.
So, to be perfectly honest, I don't believe you really don't value the work you've done; you enjoy your story and you enjoy your characters.
That your work has motivated someone else to write is pretty amazing, and you probably weren't expecting that strong a response to it, but that's a far cry from an earnest belief that you're just wasting your time with it or anything.
I dunno what to say. I mean, you're right. I do take pride in how it brings people joy to read (mostly) and I especially take pride in when people give positive feedback and say character x has done something that they really enjoyed. I don't think I could ever say that I've wasted time with it at all because deep down, I'm in love with it. Probably obsessive over my writing/story and some of that is because how much time and effort I've poured into it (as well as money for artwork, as a side thing) but you're right - it's also because I love the characters themselves.
I imagine it's how Somber feels about Blackjack and co.
Crimson and Cherry are my babies. I love Crimson like a son and Cherry as my daughter. I could never simply give up on them now, though I had my doubts at times before.
I want to give them the best, they deserve more than I can give is my issue.
They deserve more than they've got, definitely.
Last edited by Kippershy on Fri May 31, 2013 12:09 am; edited 2 times in total (Reason for editing : grammar fix)
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Harmony Ltd. Thu May 30, 2013 5:23 pm
What I mean is that apart fromKippershy wrote:Besides, why you typing out the smiley commands when you can just click 'em? Or do you not mean the pony smiles?
for "frown" (which frankly is more "disapproving stare" than anything else), there's no smilies in the five thousand available which properly convey "smile", and no one which convey "laugh". At all.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Caoimhe Thu May 30, 2013 5:33 pm
Kips I feel bad about upsetting you so I'm starting Broken Bonds tonight.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Valikdu Thu May 30, 2013 5:41 pm
Why so serious?Harmony Ltd. wrote:there's no smilies in the five thousand available which properly convey "smile"
![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 29 2113965524](https://2img.net/u/2516/12/35/12/smiles/2113965524.png)
u mad, Harmony?no one which convey "laugh". At all.
![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 29 2937254162](https://2img.net/u/2516/12/35/12/smiles/2937254162.png)
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Harmony Ltd. Thu May 30, 2013 5:44 pm
Heh.
I mean non-creepy, genuine smile, and good spirited laugh.
I mean non-creepy, genuine smile, and good spirited laugh.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by thatguyvex Thu May 30, 2013 5:51 pm
FeatherDust wrote:I had an idea some time back for a tribe of island ponies descended from
the survivors of a fleet that was patrolling off the coast, or possibly
on the way to the zebra lands, when the bonds fell. Once it was clear
that a return home would be impossible, they set out to find a safeish
island within their fuel capacity, then disassembled the ships for parts
and shelter. (In my head one of the castaways was Lieutenant Pipsqueak,
his beloved Dinky likely killed in the apocalypse.) Naturally,
seaborne mutants and such would be a part if their everyday life.
I like the basic premise. I'd upgrade from just one island, to perhaps the survivors finding a whole small chain of islands to settle. Then perhaps there'd be a MoAS lab that was hidden on one of the islands, or underwater between the islands, that was sabotaged by zebra infiltrators. The lab might've been working on things like ways to alter and/or control sea life to use in the war.
Gah, got to stop thinking about this, only have so much brain energy for writing/reading things! Especially now that I apparently am going to be checking out Dark Shores, Ouroboros, and Broken Bonds.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Meleagridis Thu May 30, 2013 6:13 pm
Anybody remember the physical descriptions of the three bucks from the Seahorse? Nails and Clink and whoever?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Thu May 30, 2013 6:48 pm
I'm in a bit of a hurry, so this is all I could get: Clink described in the bridge scene, in Ch. 54 is a brown earth stallion with heavy scarring and a pair-of-hoofcuffs cutie mark. On a quick search, it seems that Nails has never had a physical description, and as far as I can tell we don't know the name or description of the last rapist.
Also, in chapters 47 and 49, "Seahorse" (the only instance in each chapter) isn't italicized.
Also, in chapters 47 and 49, "Seahorse" (the only instance in each chapter) isn't italicized.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Thu May 30, 2013 7:05 pm
Three? Yay!Somber wrote:Hee. Now you know what it's like...
In other news, no luck on the job front. Sick as a dog too, again. I dunno why but everytime I get a bug it hits me like a truck. Right now my skull feels pressurized. Fortunately Sindri donated some money so I could go to the doctor and get some antibiotics before it sets up shop in my lungs.
As far as 56 is concerned... ugh... its a mess. This whole year has been a mess! I wanted the Society to be one chapter and now it's turning into three! It's Hightower all over again. Sigh... I just need the school year over so I can focus on other things...
I do hope that things improve for you on the job and health fronts, though; let us know if we can help.
I had an idea rather like that, only the islanders were descended from the crew of the Last Laugh, Equestria's megaspell submarine intended to keep bombarding locations in the former Pax Roamana for several years after the end of a doomsday megaspell exchange. The submarine was also still functional, sunk in a shallow bay. It's an old idea, though, and I've not worked on it in a while.FeatherDust wrote:
I had an idea some time back for a tribe of island ponies descended from the survivors of a fleet that was patrolling off the coast, or possibly on the way to the zebra lands, when the bonds fell. Once it was clear that a return home would be impossible, they set out to find a safeish island within their fuel capacity, then disassembled the ships for parts and shelter. (In my head one of the castaways was Lieutenant Pipsqueak, his beloved Dinky likely killed in the apocalypse.) Naturally, seaborne mutants and such would be a part if their everyday life.
Dona-- Ah, this has already been answered. Feel free to let me know if you need any more help with the process, though.FeatherDust wrote:By the way, if somebody wanted to donate to Somber, how would one go about that..?
What, you mean that you've never heard of the great muffin hordes? Scourge of the steppes, conquers of a thousand cities? Masters of eclairback raisinflinging? :DHarmony Ltd. wrote:*writhes on the floor frothing at the mouth*Derpmind wrote:your muffin horde
It's spelled "hoard"
Ah, thank you.Icy Shake wrote:Also, in chapters 47 and 49, "Seahorse" (the only instance in each chapter) isn't italicized.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Derpmind Thu May 30, 2013 8:52 pm
@FoE ocean setting: So I thought about taking that to the extreme, and I realized: Flood the entire planet! As a setting, 'Waterworld with ponies' could have some interesting stories. Cloud structures and dragon-guarded mountaintops and Lyra the seapony! ![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 29 3007958872](https://2img.net/u/2516/12/35/12/smiles/3007958872.png)
![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 29 459784477](https://2img.net/u/2516/12/35/12/smiles/459784477.gif)
As a setting, 'Waterworld with ponies' could have some interesting stories. Cloud structures and dragon-guarded mountaintops and Lyra the seapony! This is what mistakes are for! Thank you for being hilarious.O. Hinds wrote:What, you mean that you've never heard of the great muffin hordes? Scourge of the steppes, conquers of a thousand cities? Masters of eclairback raisinflinging? :D
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Thu May 30, 2013 11:54 pm
I try. :)Derpmind wrote:This is what mistakes are for! Thank you for being hilarious.O. Hinds wrote:What, you mean that you've never heard of the great muffin hordes? Scourge of the steppes, conquers of a thousand cities? Masters of eclairback raisinflinging? :D
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Kippershy Fri May 31, 2013 12:08 am
Caoimhe wrote:Kips I feel bad about upsetting you so I'm starting Broken Bonds tonight.
You didn't upset me proper. I get annoyed at tunes when people follow the stereotype about 4chan simply because /b/ and a handful of trolls that make it look bad, (which in reality, it's more like Islam - you remember the bad stuff a lot sooner than you remember the mundane or even the good) but I don't actually get upset for more then a minute and then if it even lasts that long, I've already forgotten about it all pretty much.
Don't worry, I don't hold a grudge or nout.
Also, be warned I am rewriting chapter two at the moment so unless you're interested in seeing the horrific state of how I used to write... you'd be best waiting for that. hah.
Though thank you, Caoimbe. It's a lovely gesture that I didn't expect and I really do appreciate you even considering it.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by SilentCarto Fri May 31, 2013 7:59 pm
Not so much. It's slippery stuff, in that it will eventually infiltrate, eat through, or leak out of anything you use to contain it or filter it out. Remember the barrels in Maripony? It didn't perform chaos on them so much as just corrode them away.swicked wrote:Taint works on the non-living too, right? Would boats floating through tainted waters have a tendency to slowly transform into cottage cheese or some such?
Here's my headcanon: Tricks like changing a cloud into cotton candy, reversing gravity, or making corn pop on the cob are a sort of "directed" or "focused" form of chaos. It's breaking natural law, but it's breaking it all in the same way over a large area. Taint, on the other hoof, is "unfocused". It doesn't perform the same change at the same time on adjacent particles in an inanimate object. Instead, it's more like... one atom turns into oxygen, another becomes antimatter, another teleports three inches to the left. That's why it affects biological systems more like a traditional mutagen than the sort of coherent changes Discord performed on the animals in his two appearances.
Unless it's an army of sentient spork-wielding muffins laying seige to Canterlot.Harmony Ltd. wrote:*writhes on the floor frothing at the mouth*Derpmind wrote:your muffin horde
It's spelled "hoard"
Only one mare can save us now...
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by tylertoon2 Sun Jun 02, 2013 2:15 am
So uh. Any news on progress? Haven't heard anything from Somber is quite a while.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Sun Jun 02, 2013 2:41 am
In this thread on the thirtieth of May:tylertoon2 wrote:So uh. Any news on progress? Haven't heard anything from Somber is quite a while.
Somber wrote:Hee. Now you know what it's like...
In other news, no luck on the job front. Sick as a dog too, again. I dunno why but everytime I get a bug it hits me like a truck. Right now my skull feels pressurized. Fortunately Sindri donated some money so I could go to the doctor and get some antibiotics before it sets up shop in my lungs.
As far as 56 is concerned... ugh... its a mess. This whole year has been a mess! I wanted the Society to be one chapter and now it's turning into three! It's Hightower all over again. Sigh... I just need the school year over so I can focus on other things...
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by tylertoon2 Sun Jun 02, 2013 4:07 am
O. Hinds wrote:In this thread on the thirtieth of May:tylertoon2 wrote:So uh. Any news on progress? Haven't heard anything from Somber is quite a while.Somber wrote:Hee. Now you know what it's like...
In other news, no luck on the job front. Sick as a dog too, again. I dunno why but everytime I get a bug it hits me like a truck. Right now my skull feels pressurized. Fortunately Sindri donated some money so I could go to the doctor and get some antibiotics before it sets up shop in my lungs.
As far as 56 is concerned... ugh... its a mess. This whole year has been a mess! I wanted the Society to be one chapter and now it's turning into three! It's Hightower all over again. Sigh... I just need the school year over so I can focus on other things...
Oh sorry. Must have gotten muttled up with all the other stuff.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Sun Jun 02, 2013 7:21 pm
And now for something completely different: I actually read Chapter Eleven (now with more booze (both for me and in the chapter (but I didn't castrate anyone while reading it)!)).
- Chapter 11 Editing:
I admit, I hadn’t liked stable 99’s spiritual leader; she went around killing fun faster than the security ponies did, but I respected her.
"Stable" should be capitalized.But there are also great opportunities to be had here. Weapons and armor. Lost technology. Mineral wealth. Secrets. Things worth risking lives for, apparently.
The first period could be a colon, explicitly making the subsequent portions a period-delineated list.
“Why didn’t I have this a week ago?” I muttered as I lay on a mattress on the floor of the post office; in front of me was an open copy of ‘The Wasteland Survival Guide: Hoofington Edition’.Icy Shake wrote:Just to clarify, it looks like your style both here and elsewhere is to not underline or hyphenate book or periodical titles, but to put article titles in single-quotes?
This may be an exception to what I thought I saw, but it's hard to tell: elsewhere, The Wasteland Survival Guide does not seem to appear in quotation marks, but here Blackjack is not explicitly reading the text of the title on the cover. Sadly, FoE is no help in determining how this should be handled.
While I did want to track down P-21, Glory and Sekashi, Priest had pointed out that my friends knew I was coming in this direction.
You tend to use the serial comma, so there should probably be one after "Glory."
The only ways to become a Reaper are to kill a Reaper in one-on-one combat or to win against dozens of wannabe’s at a tryout, so whatever Reaper you’re meeting is probably more badass than the Reaper they replaced.
It looks like the plural of "wannabe" is "wannabes" or "wannabees" (if the root is spelled as the variant "wannabee") (in either case, no apostrophe), so unless this is an error of Ditzy's, it should probably be changed.
Lots of ponies have a favorite like Deus, Rampage[,] or Psychoshy, and discussions of their various fights can usually be found across Hoofington.
In the previous paragraph, Ditzy used the serial comma in "the Hoofington Reapers hoofball team claimed the records for most consecutive injuries, fouls, and penalties in the E.H.L."
Because every single living pony that’s tried to go into the core has died.
Part of the W.S.G., but if not a sic error, "Core" should be capitalized.
Pegasi robot drones scrambled.
Again, part of the W.S.G., but if not a sic error, as I suspect it may be, this would be "pegasus robot drones."
And for you ghouls who think radiation is another pony’s problem, there’s energies in that place that’ll remind you of your death.
Likewise, "there're" for "there's."
The very magic of that place was deadly! There was just something so tempting about the word ‘Forbidden.’
I'm not sure if "forbidden" should in this case be capitalized, but the closing quotation mark should be inside the period, based on your style.
I blinked. “Um, don’t you think that’s a little expensive for some cereal and a soda?
Needs a closing quotation mark.
She had a heart of stacked caps. I’d at least gotten her to agree to spread the word to the other Crusaders to keep Glory, P-21, or Sekashi from following me till I returned.
Triple space after the period.
Gray walls of concrete rose above the slithering moat of the Hoofington river.
Should "river" be capitalized? I'm not sure if it's a name of a geographical feature or just describing that a river ran through Hoofington.
The lights still glowed atop the dam, atop that curtain wall surrounding the core, and on the ugly pillar-like buildings.
"Core" should probably be capitalized.
Besides, I still had a ten-thousand cap goal to attain.
"Ten thousand" isn't ordinarily hyphenated: should this, perhaps, be "ten thousand cap goal" or "ten-thousand-cap goal"?
As I touched the front doors, there was a buzz overhead and an automated voice said, “I am sorry -Bzzzt- patron, the museum is under temporary lockdown. Please contact -Bzzzt- in security.”
In the other instances, "-bzzzt" isn't capitalized.
‘Rocks of Equestria.’
A case where the quotation mark should probably be inside the period, as she is (probably) reading a sign, which (probably?) wouldn't have the period.
The Hoofington river valley was first colonized -bzzzzt- ago by nomadic zebra tribes.
Okay, it looks like "Hoofingon River" and probably "Hoofington River Valley" are proper nouns: each word of "Hoofington River Valley" should probably be capitalized.
The first Equestrian explorers to reach the Hoofington -bzzzzzzzt- ley were an expedition led by Prince Blueblood the 3rd.
Given that this is an audio recording, not textual, I'd suggest going with the standard form of "Prince Blueblood III," the pronunciation of which would be indistinguishable, but it might be grammatical this way, too.
According to his highly questionable memoirs, he faced cannibalistic zebra pigmies, a swarm of hightly territorial -kzzzt- griffins, and one ursa major.
"Pigmies" is an acknowledged variant spelling of "pygmies." In the context of Equestria, though, I'd suggest using "pygmies" unless they were zebra-pig pygmies, since that could very well be a thing in the setting (though given the dubious nature of the memoirs, I guess that's not entirely unlikely to be what he meant). See below for comments on ursa capitalization. Also "highly," not "hightly."
The display was titled, ‘How the Hoofington Volcano destroyed the zebra.’
Closing quotation mark should probably be inside of the period.
The first showed a large volcano with a large zebra city at its base. The second showed half the mountain blowing out over the zebra city, The third had a large crater sitting at the base of the granite dome, the depression full of lava.
"the zebra city. The third had": period, not comma.
While Manehattan academics strongly dispute these claims, sufficient eye witness -Skrrrr klick-.
It's a weird thing, but is there a reason for sometimes capitalizing the first letter of static, and sometimes not?
Then a buck’s staticy, crackling voice started to speak.
"Staticky" (M-W)
“Today, zebrakind has revealed its true face to all of Equestria . . . For Equestria, for Princess Luna, for all of Ponykind, Hoofington rises!”
Was this speech supposed to be in a typeface, and possibly a font size, different from the rest of the chapter?
The speakers spat out some garblygook at me, then gave a static whine and went silent.
"Gobbledygook," (it's a real word) recognized variant spellings "gobbledygook" and "gobbledegook," though the dictionary meaning of the word ("wordy and generally unintelligible jargon") may not have been what you were going for.
Still, the effect was spoilt somewhat by the reality of knowing the zebras had, in fact, won against the Hoof.
"Spoiled" is how you spell it in all other cases but one.
I looked down...I hadn’t stepped on one.
There should be a space after the ellipsis.
There was a moment where their grins showed this to be the best night of the lives.
Would this be more logical as "a moment when"?
“Now, I hear wine is mighty fine
It makes you feel so frisky!
But trouble’s come, so get er done
And don’t forget the whiskey!
Needs closing quotation mark (the first stanza has one, unless it shouldn't: see below), and the colloquial nature of the song complicates things, but "'er" should probably still start with an apostrophe.
“Oh you shoulda just sent the whiskey,
When ya heard that troubles coming
Oh you shoulda just sent the whiskey
Then all this woulda been nothing!
Closing quotation mark? Also, "trouble's."
I see Hoofton, I see Prance...
I just want to confirm "Hoofton" is not supposed to be "Hoofington."
“Now vodka grows from winter snows
That make you cold and shivery!
But that icy bite just don’t feel right
So best send me a whiskey!
Closing quotation mark?
Unfortunately while things under my hooves snapped nicely, the fall sent me staggering too.
Possible missing comma or commas: Unfortunately[,] while things under my hooves snapped nicely, the fall sent me staggering[,] too.
My telekinesis took her ruined shotgun, pulled it from her grip[,] and spun it around, smashing in the side of her head.
Possible missing serial comma.
“Oh you shoulda just sent the whiskey
When you knew that I was coming!
Oh you shoulda just sent the whiskey
Then you wouldn’t get a thumping!
Closing quotation mark?
“Times are rough and things are bad
But don’t you get sad and weepy!
When you know that I’m a coming
Just send me your whiskey!
As the last stanza, this one probably should have a closing quotation mark even if the others don't (and if they don't, the first stanza shouldn't have one).
I finished the song, cutting his throat with the bowie knife, feeling my heart pounding as I limped around the floor, stepping past the buck squirming and curled up, protecting his precious bits (or what was left of them, anyway).
"Bowie" is capitalized, both in general usage and in the Fallout: New Vegas expansion Lonesome Road.
“Now,I know we all need caps really bad,” I said, trying to be the voice of reason.
There should be a space after "now."
“Arrrgh… more elusive bucks. Why can’t they just say what’s bugging them? Why is that so- Owwww…,” I whimpered as my voice caught up with my hangover. “Stupid hangover. Stupid brain.”
There's some odd punctuation going on here. "So" should probably be followed by a dash (or double-hyphen) given that it seems to be a case of her interrupting herself involuntarily, and has a space after it. Words not otherwise capitalized aren't ordinarily capitalized following dashes (or hyphen-spaces?). The ellipsis-comma is unusual, too, and would probably be improved by the deletion of the comma.
Clearly, museums and other places of learning were unhealthy to ponies like me. I trotted up the ridge towards the chapel and then froze.
There's only one space following the period between "me" and "I."
A name. A race.
Only one space following the period between "name" and "a."
The shortest of epitaphs on the small marble headstones: Loving father, caring mother, best damn bastard, surest friend.
There are too many to get a full sample of the whole story, but it seems like in general you don't capitalize following colons unless the word would otherwise be capitalized or the colon follows a mere introduction (like a date or entry number) rather than a sentence.
It wasn’t cannibalism; there was nothing ponified about your meal.
"Ponified" seems like an odd choice; would "pony" or "equine" read better?
Still, she wasn’t trying to bite his hoof as Priest touched her brow gently.
This might work better as "bite Priest's hoof as he touched her," since Priest didn't appear in the last sentece-and-a-half (and only at the very beginning of the half-sentence he was in), plus two separated modifiers. Selfishly indulging myself, I'll also note that I think "gently touched her brow" flows more smoothly.
A large unicorn mare dressed head to hoof in black mourners garb.
"Mourner's"
“Wait!” I yelled, running as fast as I could towards the trio.
Since "I yelled" is, I think, modifying the exclamation, there should only be one space between the closing quotation mark and "I yelled."
- Other Editing Matters:
- Chapter 1
The worst security pony in the Stable?
The outside is safe and clean and we’re all going to be able to leave the Stable soon!
Stable-Tec says they need a special data file from the Stable that will tell them how we’ve been doing the last two centuries.
That meant that it was probably coming from outside the Stable.
In the Stable’s communication maneframe; you can access it in Maintenance One outside the Overmare’s office.
Generally speaking, you don't treat "the stable" as a proper noun, even when referring to a particular one, though you are more balanced in Chapter 1.
Chapter 5
Gee… looks like stable 99 wasn’t so unique after all.
"Stable" should be capitalized.
Chapter 9
He somehow convinced Duct Tape to break just about every rule for fraternization and teach him the skills he’d need to eventually escape from the Stable.
Generally speaking, you don't treat "the stable" as a proper noun, even when referring to a particular one.
Chapter 12
“Ugh… things were just easier back in the Stable. You put yourself on a male’s breeding queue and waited for your turn. Easy.”
Generally speaking, you don't treat "the stable" as a proper noun, even when referring to a particular one.
Chapter 20
No visit to the Hoofington area is complete without spotting the Hoofington River. The largest river in all of Equestria in our times, the Hoofington river runs north from Equestria’s second-largest lake to the sea.
"Hoofington River" should probably be capitalized.
Chapter 23
Of course, it didn’t keep it’s brain there, so the effect was a little bit spoilt.
"Spoiled," also "its."“Might as well be rename us Twist’s Terminators or Psalm’s "
“Might as well be rename us Twist’s Terminators or Psalm’s Slaughterers.”
This should probably either have "renaming" replace "rename" or remove "be."
Chapter 24
They’ll remember working on Stable 93, when a gas leak knocked them all out and the Stable had to be evacuated.
Generally speaking, you don't treat "the stable" as a proper noun, even when referring to a particular one.
Chapter 26
You suffer 25% less enervation damage, and your healing items decay half as fast while in your possession.
"Enervation" should be capitalized.
Chapter 28
You’ve been exposed to unprecedented levels of taint and enervation.
"Enervation" should be capitalized.
Chapter 30
“Maybe if we were in Chapel… or some low radiation… low enervation… some better place…
"Enervation" should be capitalized.
Chapter 31
My whole life, I’d always been Blackjack; maybe not the smartest pony in the Stable, but still me.
Generally speaking, you don't treat "the stable" as a proper noun, even when referring to a particular one. Also, the semicolon should be a colon, as what follows is not an independent clause.
Chapter 32
Ugh… I felt and smelled like I was trapped in a well-used toilet… but I was bad enough off Taintwise at the moment.
"Taint" is a weird case: you generally don't capitalize "taint," but Kkat was pretty inconsistent with her capitalization of the word, perhaps, on balance, leaning toward not capitalizing it (outside of the "Touched by Taint" perk and similar cases).
Chapter 34
“Well, while I admire your attempt at diplomacy, I’m afraid that, in the face of alicorns, griffons, and this army, it was a little… ah… overambitious?”
I blinked, but she immediately left the cover and walked casually towards the two armored griffons, leaving me scrambling to catch up.
"Griffins."
Chapter 35
The enervation rings weren’t just in Hoofington.
Should I tell her about the enervation ring?
"Enervation" should be capitalized.
“Personally, I just wish I knew what Taint is… I mean, I had a gun filled with the stuff!”
You mostly don't capitalize "taint."
Chapter 37
“And if you’re looking for our legal department, they’re located on the fourth floor… office hours eleven fifty eight to eleven fifty nine, griffon standard time!” Flim added with a wide grin.
"Griffin," also, each word in "Griffin Standard Time" should probably be capitalized, by analogy to the real-world zones.
Chapter 41
“Even if it failed, the Stable lasted two centuries, longer than any gang… and life was better than out here… at least, for mares, it was. I’m not saying it was perfect. I’m not saying there weren’t things wrong even before Deus broke in. I’m just saying that ponies working together is better than ponies killing, taking, and ruling over others. In the end, that was exactly how the stable fell apart.”
Generally speaking, you don't treat "the stable" as a proper noun, even when referring to a particular one. Note that it's even treated both ways within this single quotation.
Chapter 42
The highway was approaching the Zenith bridge, the glorious white arch that ran from bluff to bluff over the Hoofington river looking quite breathtaking as I drew closer.
"Hoofington River" should probably have both words capitalized.
Chapter 48
That whirring within me grew sharper; the scream of enervation growing clearer.
"Enervation" should be capitalized. Also, either the semicolon should be a comma or "growing" should be "grew."
Chapter 49
I looked at the horseshoe-shaped strip mall beside the Hoofington river and the numerous ponies around vendors and shops.
"Hoofington River" should probably be capitalized.
Chapter 53
“Come on down to the Stable.”
Generally speaking, you don't treat "the stable" as a proper noun, even when referring to a particular one.
Chapter 54
Dawn had said there was a fuse lit once EC-1101 was out of stable 99.
"Stable" should be capitalized.
The fury of the spirits, the might of dragons. The ferocity of griffons. The power of things... beyond your grasp.
"Griffins." Also, there is only one space following the period between "dragons" and "the ferocity."
Chapter 55
I stared off at a lone monolithic skyscraper with the stable-tec logo on the side, remembering the meeting.
"Stable-Tec" should be capitalized.
The green glow of the core illuminated her maw.
"Core" should probably be capitalized.
You might find a search of "[the] Overmare" and "[the] Princesses" to be useful: it seems like sometimes each is capitalized, and sometimes each is not. I can't say I have found a general rule for either's capitalization, as sometimes when the word refers to a mere role, it is capitalized, and sometimes it is not, and—frustratingly—"princesses" can sometimes refer to a job-role, and sometimes to a divinity-role, which might justifiably be treated differently, and is only complicated by the inclusion of Cad[a]nce. Also, the footnote to Chapter 43 uses "Cadence," while elsewhere you use "Cadance."
You use "prewar" and "pre-war" with approximately the same frequency: I believe ten cases of the former to thirteen cases of the latter, over the course of the narrative.
11: According to his highly questionable memoirs, he faced cannibalistic zebra pigmies, a swarm of hightly territorial -kzzzt- griffins, and one ursa major.
12: I’ll be fed to an ursa major if it gets back to the Ministry I did this, but I’m supposed to be our squad’s morale officer.
28: “Even worse Idea. Ever hear of an Ursa Major?” (Also, "idea" probably shouldn't be capitalized.)
29: Calamity crashed the fucking train into the possessed Ursa Major! (Here, though, it's in the context of a text record.)
49: “She was the most amazing, most talented, most awesome unicorn in all of Equestria… even if she couldn’t banish the Ursa Minor.”
You might want to standardize your capitalization practice for the ursas.
11: I did find a medical brace in the security office, and helped splint one of Busted Legs’ busted legs.
13: The pegasus, a deeper blue that bordered on purple, gave me a frown that was probably much more honest than Lighthooves’ pleasant grin.
13: After Lighthooves’s schmoozefest, the blunt suggestion was almost refreshing.
13: Failed to put together Lighthooves’ plot in time.
43: I could almost cue Lighthooves’ nervous look.
51: “Tell me, what is Operative ‘Lighthooves’’s real name?”
55: A part of me wanted nothing more than to find him for a sound rematch... but, ultimately, whatever was going on with him wasn’t as immediate as Lighthooves’s biological weapon or Dawn’s actions with the Harbingers.
55: So, since we’d left Grimhorn, I was thinking of everything I could to head off Lighthooves’s threat first.
Standardize possessives of nouns ending with an "s." Which way are you going with it?
Icy Shake- Alicorn
- Posts : 1209
Brohoof! : 308
Join date : 2012-06-05
Age : 35
Location : Boston, MA
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Sun Jun 02, 2013 9:40 pm
Ah, thank you very much.Icy Shake wrote:And now for something completely different: I actually read Chapter Eleven (now with more booze (both for me and in the chapter (but I didn't castrate anyone while reading it)!)).
- Chapter 11 Editing:
I admit, I hadn’t liked stable 99’s spiritual leader; she went around killing fun faster than the security ponies did, but I respected her.
"Stable" should be capitalized.But there are also great opportunities to be had here. Weapons and armor. Lost technology. Mineral wealth. Secrets. Things worth risking lives for, apparently.
The first period could be a colon, explicitly making the subsequent portions a period-delineated list.
“Why didn’t I have this a week ago?” I muttered as I lay on a mattress on the floor of the post office; in front of me was an open copy of ‘The Wasteland Survival Guide: Hoofington Edition’.Icy Shake wrote:Just to clarify, it looks like your style both here and elsewhere is to not underline or hyphenate book or periodical titles, but to put article titles in single-quotes?
This may be an exception to what I thought I saw, but it's hard to tell: elsewhere, The Wasteland Survival Guide does not seem to appear in quotation marks, but here Blackjack is not explicitly reading the text of the title on the cover. Sadly, FoE is no help in determining how this should be handled.
While I did want to track down P-21, Glory and Sekashi, Priest had pointed out that my friends knew I was coming in this direction.
You tend to use the serial comma, so there should probably be one after "Glory."
The only ways to become a Reaper are to kill a Reaper in one-on-one combat or to win against dozens of wannabe’s at a tryout, so whatever Reaper you’re meeting is probably more badass than the Reaper they replaced.
It looks like the plural of "wannabe" is "wannabes" or "wannabees" (if the root is spelled as the variant "wannabee") (in either case, no apostrophe), so unless this is an error of Ditzy's, it should probably be changed.
Lots of ponies have a favorite like Deus, Rampage[,] or Psychoshy, and discussions of their various fights can usually be found across Hoofington.
In the previous paragraph, Ditzy used the serial comma in "the Hoofington Reapers hoofball team claimed the records for most consecutive injuries, fouls, and penalties in the E.H.L."
Because every single living pony that’s tried to go into the core has died.
Part of the W.S.G., but if not a sic error, "Core" should be capitalized.
Pegasi robot drones scrambled.
Again, part of the W.S.G., but if not a sic error, as I suspect it may be, this would be "pegasus robot drones."
And for you ghouls who think radiation is another pony’s problem, there’s energies in that place that’ll remind you of your death.
Likewise, "there're" for "there's."
The very magic of that place was deadly! There was just something so tempting about the word ‘Forbidden.’
I'm not sure if "forbidden" should in this case be capitalized, but the closing quotation mark should be inside the period, based on your style.
I blinked. “Um, don’t you think that’s a little expensive for some cereal and a soda?
Needs a closing quotation mark.
She had a heart of stacked caps. I’d at least gotten her to agree to spread the word to the other Crusaders to keep Glory, P-21, or Sekashi from following me till I returned.
Triple space after the period.
Gray walls of concrete rose above the slithering moat of the Hoofington river.
Should "river" be capitalized? I'm not sure if it's a name of a geographical feature or just describing that a river ran through Hoofington.
The lights still glowed atop the dam, atop that curtain wall surrounding the core, and on the ugly pillar-like buildings.
"Core" should probably be capitalized.
Besides, I still had a ten-thousand cap goal to attain.
"Ten thousand" isn't ordinarily hyphenated: should this, perhaps, be "ten thousand cap goal" or "ten-thousand-cap goal"?
As I touched the front doors, there was a buzz overhead and an automated voice said, “I am sorry -Bzzzt- patron, the museum is under temporary lockdown. Please contact -Bzzzt- in security.”
In the other instances, "-bzzzt" isn't capitalized.
‘Rocks of Equestria.’
A case where the quotation mark should probably be inside the period, as she is (probably) reading a sign, which (probably?) wouldn't have the period.
The Hoofington river valley was first colonized -bzzzzt- ago by nomadic zebra tribes.
Okay, it looks like "Hoofingon River" and probably "Hoofington River Valley" are proper nouns: each word of "Hoofington River Valley" should probably be capitalized.
The first Equestrian explorers to reach the Hoofington -bzzzzzzzt- ley were an expedition led by Prince Blueblood the 3rd.
Given that this is an audio recording, not textual, I'd suggest going with the standard form of "Prince Blueblood III," the pronunciation of which would be indistinguishable, but it might be grammatical this way, too.
According to his highly questionable memoirs, he faced cannibalistic zebra pigmies, a swarm of hightly territorial -kzzzt- griffins, and one ursa major.
"Pigmies" is an acknowledged variant spelling of "pygmies." In the context of Equestria, though, I'd suggest using "pygmies" unless they were zebra-pig pygmies, since that could very well be a thing in the setting (though given the dubious nature of the memoirs, I guess that's not entirely unlikely to be what he meant). See below for comments on ursa capitalization. Also "highly," not "hightly."
The display was titled, ‘How the Hoofington Volcano destroyed the zebra.’
Closing quotation mark should probably be inside of the period.
The first showed a large volcano with a large zebra city at its base. The second showed half the mountain blowing out over the zebra city, The third had a large crater sitting at the base of the granite dome, the depression full of lava.
"the zebra city. The third had": period, not comma.
While Manehattan academics strongly dispute these claims, sufficient eye witness -Skrrrr klick-.
It's a weird thing, but is there a reason for sometimes capitalizing the first letter of static, and sometimes not?
Then a buck’s staticy, crackling voice started to speak.
"Staticky" (M-W)
“Today, zebrakind has revealed its true face to all of Equestria . . . For Equestria, for Princess Luna, for all of Ponykind, Hoofington rises!”
Was this speech supposed to be in a typeface, and possibly a font size, different from the rest of the chapter?
The speakers spat out some garblygook at me, then gave a static whine and went silent.
"Gobbledygook," (it's a real word) recognized variant spellings "gobbledygook" and "gobbledegook," though the dictionary meaning of the word ("wordy and generally unintelligible jargon") may not have been what you were going for.
Still, the effect was spoilt somewhat by the reality of knowing the zebras had, in fact, won against the Hoof.
"Spoiled" is how you spell it in all other cases but one.
I looked down...I hadn’t stepped on one.
There should be a space after the ellipsis.
There was a moment where their grins showed this to be the best night of the lives.
Would this be more logical as "a moment when"?
“Now, I hear wine is mighty fine
It makes you feel so frisky!
But trouble’s come, so get er done
And don’t forget the whiskey!
Needs closing quotation mark (the first stanza has one, unless it shouldn't: see below), and the colloquial nature of the song complicates things, but "'er" should probably still start with an apostrophe.
“Oh you shoulda just sent the whiskey,
When ya heard that troubles coming
Oh you shoulda just sent the whiskey
Then all this woulda been nothing!
Closing quotation mark? Also, "trouble's."
I see Hoofton, I see Prance...
I just want to confirm "Hoofton" is not supposed to be "Hoofington."
“Now vodka grows from winter snows
That make you cold and shivery!
But that icy bite just don’t feel right
So best send me a whiskey!
Closing quotation mark?
Unfortunately while things under my hooves snapped nicely, the fall sent me staggering too.
Possible missing comma or commas: Unfortunately[,] while things under my hooves snapped nicely, the fall sent me staggering[,] too.
My telekinesis took her ruined shotgun, pulled it from her grip[,] and spun it around, smashing in the side of her head.
Possible missing serial comma.
“Oh you shoulda just sent the whiskey
When you knew that I was coming!
Oh you shoulda just sent the whiskey
Then you wouldn’t get a thumping!
Closing quotation mark?
“Times are rough and things are bad
But don’t you get sad and weepy!
When you know that I’m a coming
Just send me your whiskey!
As the last stanza, this one probably should have a closing quotation mark even if the others don't (and if they don't, the first stanza shouldn't have one).
I finished the song, cutting his throat with the bowie knife, feeling my heart pounding as I limped around the floor, stepping past the buck squirming and curled up, protecting his precious bits (or what was left of them, anyway).
"Bowie" is capitalized, both in general usage and in the Fallout: New Vegas expansion Lonesome Road.
“Now,I know we all need caps really bad,” I said, trying to be the voice of reason.
There should be a space after "now."
“Arrrgh… more elusive bucks. Why can’t they just say what’s bugging them? Why is that so- Owwww…,” I whimpered as my voice caught up with my hangover. “Stupid hangover. Stupid brain.”
There's some odd punctuation going on here. "So" should probably be followed by a dash (or double-hyphen) given that it seems to be a case of her interrupting herself involuntarily, and has a space after it. Words not otherwise capitalized aren't ordinarily capitalized following dashes (or hyphen-spaces?). The ellipsis-comma is unusual, too, and would probably be improved by the deletion of the comma.
Clearly, museums and other places of learning were unhealthy to ponies like me. I trotted up the ridge towards the chapel and then froze.
There's only one space following the period between "me" and "I."
A name. A race.
Only one space following the period between "name" and "a."
The shortest of epitaphs on the small marble headstones: Loving father, caring mother, best damn bastard, surest friend.
There are too many to get a full sample of the whole story, but it seems like in general you don't capitalize following colons unless the word would otherwise be capitalized or the colon follows a mere introduction (like a date or entry number) rather than a sentence.
It wasn’t cannibalism; there was nothing ponified about your meal.
"Ponified" seems like an odd choice; would "pony" or "equine" read better?
Still, she wasn’t trying to bite his hoof as Priest touched her brow gently.
This might work better as "bite Priest's hoof as he touched her," since Priest didn't appear in the last sentece-and-a-half (and only at the very beginning of the half-sentence he was in), plus two separated modifiers. Selfishly indulging myself, I'll also note that I think "gently touched her brow" flows more smoothly.
A large unicorn mare dressed head to hoof in black mourners garb.
"Mourner's"
“Wait!” I yelled, running as fast as I could towards the trio.
Since "I yelled" is, I think, modifying the exclamation, there should only be one space between the closing quotation mark and "I yelled."
- Other Editing Matters:
The worst security pony in the Stable?
The outside is safe and clean and we’re all going to be able to leave the Stable soon!
Stable-Tec says they need a special data file from the Stable that will tell them how we’ve been doing the last two centuries.
That meant that it was probably coming from outside the Stable.
In the Stable’s communication maneframe; you can access it in Maintenance One outside the Overmare’s office.
Generally speaking, you don't treat "the stable" as a proper noun, even when referring to a particular one, though you are more balanced in Chapter 1.
Chapter 5
Gee… looks like stable 99 wasn’t so unique after all.
"Stable" should be capitalized.
Chapter 9
He somehow convinced Duct Tape to break just about every rule for fraternization and teach him the skills he’d need to eventually escape from the Stable.
Generally speaking, you don't treat "the stable" as a proper noun, even when referring to a particular one.
Chapter 12
“Ugh… things were just easier back in the Stable. You put yourself on a male’s breeding queue and waited for your turn. Easy.”
Generally speaking, you don't treat "the stable" as a proper noun, even when referring to a particular one.
Chapter 20
No visit to the Hoofington area is complete without spotting the Hoofington River. The largest river in all of Equestria in our times, the Hoofington river runs north from Equestria’s second-largest lake to the sea.
"Hoofington River" should probably be capitalized.
Chapter 23
Of course, it didn’t keep it’s brain there, so the effect was a little bit spoilt.
"Spoiled," also "its."“Might as well be rename us Twist’s Terminators or Psalm’s "
“Might as well be rename us Twist’s Terminators or Psalm’s Slaughterers.”
This should probably either have "renaming" replace "rename" or remove "be."
Chapter 24
They’ll remember working on Stable 93, when a gas leak knocked them all out and the Stable had to be evacuated.
Generally speaking, you don't treat "the stable" as a proper noun, even when referring to a particular one.
Chapter 26
You suffer 25% less enervation damage, and your healing items decay half as fast while in your possession.
"Enervation" should be capitalized.
Chapter 28
You’ve been exposed to unprecedented levels of taint and enervation.
"Enervation" should be capitalized.
Chapter 30
“Maybe if we were in Chapel… or some low radiation… low enervation… some better place…
"Enervation" should be capitalized.
Chapter 31
My whole life, I’d always been Blackjack; maybe not the smartest pony in the Stable, but still me.
Generally speaking, you don't treat "the stable" as a proper noun, even when referring to a particular one. Also, the semicolon should be a colon, as what follows is not an independent clause.
Chapter 32
Ugh… I felt and smelled like I was trapped in a well-used toilet… but I was bad enough off Taintwise at the moment.
"Taint" is a weird case: you generally don't capitalize "taint," but Kkat was pretty inconsistent with her capitalization of the word, perhaps, on balance, leaning toward not capitalizing it (outside of the "Touched by Taint" perk and similar cases).
Chapter 34
“Well, while I admire your attempt at diplomacy, I’m afraid that, in the face of alicorns, griffons, and this army, it was a little… ah… overambitious?”
I blinked, but she immediately left the cover and walked casually towards the two armored griffons, leaving me scrambling to catch up.
"Griffins."
Chapter 35
The enervation rings weren’t just in Hoofington.
Should I tell her about the enervation ring?
"Enervation" should be capitalized.
“Personally, I just wish I knew what Taint is… I mean, I had a gun filled with the stuff!”
You mostly don't capitalize "taint."
Chapter 37
“And if you’re looking for our legal department, they’re located on the fourth floor… office hours eleven fifty eight to eleven fifty nine, griffon standard time!” Flim added with a wide grin.
"Griffin," also, each word in "Griffin Standard Time" should probably be capitalized, by analogy to the real-world zones.
Chapter 41
“Even if it failed, the Stable lasted two centuries, longer than any gang… and life was better than out here… at least, for mares, it was. I’m not saying it was perfect. I’m not saying there weren’t things wrong even before Deus broke in. I’m just saying that ponies working together is better than ponies killing, taking, and ruling over others. In the end, that was exactly how the stable fell apart.”
Generally speaking, you don't treat "the stable" as a proper noun, even when referring to a particular one. Note that it's even treated both ways within this single quotation.
Chapter 42
The highway was approaching the Zenith bridge, the glorious white arch that ran from bluff to bluff over the Hoofington river looking quite breathtaking as I drew closer.
"Hoofington River" should probably have both words capitalized.
Chapter 48
That whirring within me grew sharper; the scream of enervation growing clearer.
"Enervation" should be capitalized. Also, either the semicolon should be a comma or "growing" should be "grew."
Chapter 49
I looked at the horseshoe-shaped strip mall beside the Hoofington river and the numerous ponies around vendors and shops.
"Hoofington River" should probably be capitalized.
Chapter 53
“Come on down to the Stable.”
Generally speaking, you don't treat "the stable" as a proper noun, even when referring to a particular one.
Chapter 54
Dawn had said there was a fuse lit once EC-1101 was out of stable 99.
"Stable" should be capitalized.
The fury of the spirits, the might of dragons. The ferocity of griffons. The power of things... beyond your grasp.
"Griffins." Also, there is only one space following the period between "dragons" and "the ferocity."
Chapter 55
I stared off at a lone monolithic skyscraper with the stable-tec logo on the side, remembering the meeting.
"Stable-Tec" should be capitalized.
The green glow of the core illuminated her maw.
"Core" should probably be capitalized.
You might find a search of "[the] Overmare" and "[the] Princesses" to be useful: it seems like sometimes each is capitalized, and sometimes each is not. I can't say I have found a general rule for either's capitalization, as sometimes when the word refers to a mere role, it is capitalized, and sometimes it is not, and—frustratingly—"princesses" can sometimes refer to a job-role, and sometimes to a divinity-role, which might justifiably be treated differently, and is only complicated by the inclusion of Cad[a]nce. Also, the footnote to Chapter 43 uses "Cadence," while elsewhere you use "Cadance."
You use "prewar" and "pre-war" with approximately the same frequency: I believe ten cases of the former to thirteen cases of the latter, over the course of the narrative.
11: According to his highly questionable memoirs, he faced cannibalistic zebra pigmies, a swarm of hightly territorial -kzzzt- griffins, and one ursa major.
12: I’ll be fed to an ursa major if it gets back to the Ministry I did this, but I’m supposed to be our squad’s morale officer.
28: “Even worse Idea. Ever hear of an Ursa Major?” (Also, "idea" probably shouldn't be capitalized.)
29: Calamity crashed the fucking train into the possessed Ursa Major! (Here, though, it's in the context of a text record.)
49: “She was the most amazing, most talented, most awesome unicorn in all of Equestria… even if she couldn’t banish the Ursa Minor.”
You might want to standardize your capitalization practice for the ursas.
11: I did find a medical brace in the security office, and helped splint one of Busted Legs’ busted legs.
13: The pegasus, a deeper blue that bordered on purple, gave me a frown that was probably much more honest than Lighthooves’ pleasant grin.
13: After Lighthooves’s schmoozefest, the blunt suggestion was almost refreshing.
13: Failed to put together Lighthooves’ plot in time.
43: I could almost cue Lighthooves’ nervous look.
51: “Tell me, what is Operative ‘Lighthooves’’s real name?”
55: A part of me wanted nothing more than to find him for a sound rematch... but, ultimately, whatever was going on with him wasn’t as immediate as Lighthooves’s biological weapon or Dawn’s actions with the Harbingers.
55: So, since we’d left Grimhorn, I was thinking of everything I could to head off Lighthooves’s threat first.
Standardize possessives of nouns ending with an "s." Which way are you going with it?
We're supposed to use the American style. I've corrected the ones that you've pointed out here.Icy Shake wrote:Standardize possessives of nouns ending with an "s." Which way are you going with it?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Meleagridis Sun Jun 02, 2013 11:36 pm
I'm seeing more edits than that. Why'd all these chapters get the touch-up today? Someone have too much time on their hands?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Mon Jun 03, 2013 12:08 am
I'm not sure what you're seeing, I'm afraid; my instruments indicate that I'm the only one to have edited PH today so far, and I've only worked from that post by Icy Shake.Meleagridis wrote:I'm seeing more edits than that. Why'd all these chapters get the touch-up today? Someone have too much time on their hands?
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