Sister forumthe usual day
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Linguz
Sky Cloud
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the usual day
by Sky Cloud Sun Nov 27, 2011 8:21 am
Part 1:
Part 2:
Part 3:
- Spoiler:
- "Sky! Sky! Wake-up! It's time for school." Sky Clouds mom said. Sky's eyes shot open as she zoomed past her mother to her mirror, making sure her hair was spiked as she liked it. 'Today will be the day' Sky thought to herself. 'The day when I will finally be able to fly around the track.' She was in such of a hurry that she forgot to eat her breakfast, grabbed her bag, and exited off to begin a day of school. She galloped as fast as she could, eager to get over with school.
When she got there, she notice another pony get slammed in the face by the front door. Sky wanted to go up and help, but was to shy to. She never had any friends, and didnt know how to approach other ponies. She was a nervous nelly when it came to that. Sky hurridly walked past the fallen pony and galloped straight to class.
"Hello class!" said Mr. Bake. "Today we will learn about the history of Equestria!" The whole class, along with Sky, groaned loudly. She could care less about the dumb old history of Equestria.
As soon as class ended for lunch, Sky zoomed to the track that the school had out back. She put her pack down beside her, all the while thinkng to herself, 'I can do this, I can do th-' "HEY FAIL CLOUD! GONNA TRY AND FAIL AGAIN?" bellowed Silverwing, the school jerk. He had picked on her ever since she first flew. "I'll show you!" mumbled Sky underneath her breath.
She opened her wings, feeling the air getting pushed under her, the ground leaving her feet. She started forward. 'Nice and easy' she thought. She made it halfway around, the farthest she's ever gone. 'I can do this, I can do this' Sky kept thinking to herself. The finish line drew nearer and nearer. She was almost there! Sky went faster, getting more and more excited. She could hear Silverwing say, "watch her fail again HAHAHAHA!"
She saw as one minute she was almost at across the line, and the other she was going sharply to the left, then the right, then backwards. "LOOKS LIKE SHE FAILED AGAIN! WHAT A LOSER!" She lost control again. In all the chaos, she ended upside down, in a tree. Not only was she a blank flank, she also failed at flying, again. She started to cry. She became so stressed that she blacked out. A few minuts later, still in the tree, she saw a bunch of ponies around another pegasus, and in the crowd, leading the group,was Silverwing. She noteced that they all left. She watched in awe as another pony, this one a unicorn, walk up to the pegasus, thinking that she wished she had the courage to go up to the pegasus, nd maybe get her first friend. Sky watched as the two got up and went to lunch, while she was still stuck , upside down, in the tree.
Part 2:
- Spoiler:
- Sky was still embaressed after the incident that happened the other day. She tried to hide herself from those who she thought saw, and most importantly, Silverwing, as she walked to lunch. Sky got in line, and got her usual Rose Petal Sandwhich. As she started to walk toward an empty table where she always ate lunch alone, she noticed a unicorn getting picked on by none other than Silverwing. That unicorn was the very same one she saw, the one that helped out that pegasus. 'What should i do?' Sky wondered as she glanced around the room nervously. Just as she was about to go help, she saw a teacher walking towards the group, and then a giant explosion errupted from the middle of the group.
Time seemed to slow down as ponies, tables, and food flew right past Sky's face. She had no idea what was going on. Sky glanced upward to see a pony, Hip Hopper, fly past. She suddenly had the urge to save him. Sky flew upwards after Hip Hopper, getting closer and closer to him. She yelled out, "I'll save you!" She grabbed a hold of Hip's hoof. Her wings then started to go out of control. Sky accidentaly flung Hip across the room. Her wings took Sky to the left, after Hip Hopper. Sky flew right past Hip, hurteling towards a wall. Sky thought she was gonna die, but at that moment, a random flying trashcan smacked into her. it must have been launched into the air by that explosion. Sky found herself in the trashcan, going straight to another wall. Unfortionantly, there was no other object to "rescue" her. She, along with the trashcan, rammed into the wall.
Sky felt a searing pain go through her front right leg. 'it might be broken' Sky thought. 'Great. Now im gonna be called Crippled Cloud.' Sky started crying again. She passed out from the pain. When Sky woke up, she noticed that she was in the hospital. She saw her mom, Mrs. Cloud, talking to the doctor. Sky looked through the window by her bed,and saw the unicorn on a stretcher, being rushed to the emergancy room. She could hear alot of commotion as the unicorn's mother burst through the front door, chasing after the streatcher. Sky could hear the beeping of the heart monitor get slower, and slower until it finnally stopped. "Clear! Lets run it again. Clear!" The beeping came back. Sky suddenly found herself smiling. Sky looked back at the doctor as he started wrapping Sky's front leg in a cast.After that, her mother took her home. When she got home, she plopped on her bed, wishing that her bad luck would leave.
Part 3:
- Spoiler:
- Sky awoke from her nightmare. She decided that since this wasn't the first time she woke up from the memories of the previous day that haunted her, she would stay up. She hoped of her bed and limped to her dresser, and grabbed her piggy bank. She chuckled slightly at the name. She tipped it over and counted the money as it fell out. It was just enough to buy that Unicorn a get-well present. She put the piggy bank down, and grabbed her hair gel. She tried to find a way to get it on her hoof and in her hair, but she couldnt, so she just left it down. She put the money in her bag and put the bag on herself.
As the sun rose up, she sneaked across her house, well, she quietly limped across her house, heading towards the front door. She stopped at the table in the dining room and left a note telling her mom that she went out for a bit. She got outside and started limping to Sugar Cube corner. As she limped to the door, she could smell the rich, intoxicating, delicious aroma that came from within the structure. She walked up to the counter, and noticing that nopony was around, she reached to ding the service bell."Oh Im so glad you came! I was worried that i would have to track you down and drag you back here HEHEHEHE!" Sky leaped up in the air, startled by what what she heard behind her.
She turned around and saw a bouncing, pink pony. "Um, excuse me, but are you talking to me?" Sky asked while looking around nurvously. "Of Course, Silly! Oh, You Probably Don't Know Me, But I'm PINKIE PIE!" the pink pony exclaimed. "Uh, why are you so excited?" Sky asked. "Im Excited Because YOUR NUMBER Came Up! I Was Hoping That You Would Randomly Come By Today And I Saw you Come In And, POOF, There You Are! Now, Let's Get Started! YAY!" Sky saw Pinkie grab something from behind her and lunge at her. "AHH!" Sky screamed. Pinkie stopped and noticed the fear in the green pegasus' eyes, and looked down at her wrapped hoof. "Oh, im so sorry! I didn't mean to scare you. I just wanted to give you this cupcake because your number came up." Pinkie said, handing Sky a cupcake. "Oh, thank you." Sky said, feeling bad that she made the pink pony upset. She grabbed the cupcake an ate it. "Wow, that was really good!" said Sky. The pink pony smiled. "I'm Glad You Liked It! Now, How Can I Help You?"
"I was looking for a chocolate cupcake for a...um...friend." Sky said. "Wait Here Okay?" Pinkie said, zooming past Sky and coming back in a few seconds. "Here You Go!" Sky grabbed the packaged cupcake and giving Pinkie the money. As Sky hobbled out, she noticed that the cellar doors were open. She limped to the doors, and coming within sight of the inside, she saw a wall full of pictures of everypony in Ponyville. She saw Pinkie grab a marker, and mark a big X across Sky's picture. Sky shuddered and limped towards the hospital.
Sky finally reached the hospital by noon. She limped in and asked where the Unicorns were. Reciveing the directions, she headed off towards that section. She got the the purple unicorn's room, noticing the unicorn's mom waking her up. Sky walked in as the unicorn's mom left. "Hi there, um.... um.... Shadow." Sky said, remembering the name from yesterday. "How do you know my name?" Shadow asked. "We go to the same school together, and i heard your mom say it yesterday. Oh by the way, my name is Sky Cloud, and i brought you this cupcake." Skyt said while handing Shadow the cupcake. "nice to meet you, Sky!" Shadow replied. Shadow took the cupcake and ate it as the two of them talked.
Last edited by Sky Cloud on Mon Jan 30, 2012 4:04 pm; edited 4 times in total
Sky Cloud- Ursa Minor
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Re: the usual day
by Guest Sun Nov 27, 2011 9:05 am
Just some first runthrough things:
- in such of a hurry that she forgot to eat her breakfast doesn't really work as part of a sentence. Just such a hurry would make more sense
- eager to get over with school. Eager to get school over with, perhaps? I'm not sure if this is idiomatic or a misspelling, but either way it's somewhat confusing to read.
- she notice another pony Should be noticed. to shy to. should be too shy to.
- She was a nervous nelly when it came to that. Again, idioms. Nervous Nelly jars the reader out of the story because it doesn't fit the tone a reader expects from the narrator.
- Silverwing, the school jerk. All I can think of is a little filly with a nametag that says Jerk
- She saw as one minute she was almost at across the line, I must confess, I'm not entirely sure what's happening in this sentence. This what I assumed: One minute she was almost across the line, and then . In which case, cut the "One minute" out, it doesn't blend well with the stream of consciousness kind of thing you had going in the previous sentence
- The latter half of the last paragraph I'm confused as to what's happening here. Definitely a rewrite is in order for this section, from "A few minutes later" onwards.
I'm liking the premise, and there's definitely a few strong potential characters emerging. Just a little extra time reading over it and ensuring it makes sense will really shape this up. Can't wait to read more!
- in such of a hurry that she forgot to eat her breakfast doesn't really work as part of a sentence. Just such a hurry would make more sense
- eager to get over with school. Eager to get school over with, perhaps? I'm not sure if this is idiomatic or a misspelling, but either way it's somewhat confusing to read.
- she notice another pony Should be noticed. to shy to. should be too shy to.
- She was a nervous nelly when it came to that. Again, idioms. Nervous Nelly jars the reader out of the story because it doesn't fit the tone a reader expects from the narrator.
- Silverwing, the school jerk. All I can think of is a little filly with a nametag that says Jerk
- She saw as one minute she was almost at across the line, I must confess, I'm not entirely sure what's happening in this sentence. This what I assumed: One minute she was almost across the line, and then . In which case, cut the "One minute" out, it doesn't blend well with the stream of consciousness kind of thing you had going in the previous sentence
- The latter half of the last paragraph I'm confused as to what's happening here. Definitely a rewrite is in order for this section, from "A few minutes later" onwards.
I'm liking the premise, and there's definitely a few strong potential characters emerging. Just a little extra time reading over it and ensuring it makes sense will really shape this up. Can't wait to read more!
Guest- Guest
Re: the usual day
by Linguz Sun Nov 27, 2011 9:13 am
Interesting, but some things are repeated over too many times and a few grammar and spelling mistakes. If you want, I can help you out in everything writing.
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Re: the usual day
by Sky Cloud Sun Nov 27, 2011 9:42 am
thnx guys! i was kinda in a rush to write this so thats why there are some spelling mistakes.
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Re: the usual day
by Linguz Sun Nov 27, 2011 9:46 am
Writing should never be rushed. Like ever. It will make the quality drop like a truck. If you can't work on it at a point and beyond, stop at that point and continue sometime later.
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Re: the usual day
by Fluttershy Sun Nov 27, 2011 9:49 am
Actually I did the same thing for my fanfiction. I didn't exactly rush, but I just came up with it on the spot and thought "Yeah lets type it up" As you can tell it didn't exactly come out as well as it could have been.
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Re: the usual day
by Linguz Sun Nov 27, 2011 9:56 am
No planning and rushing aren't the same things. I list bullet points that I want to follow. Eventually, I break off from those points due to an instant of an idea that I like.
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Re: the usual day
by Guest Sun Nov 27, 2011 4:40 pm
I dunno, I find that everyone has their own writing style and plenty of people can smash out high quality stories in very little time. People just expect a first draft to be good when it's just laying out the important markers. Polish is always important, but that's what you have editors for.
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Linguz- The Forged Steel
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Re: the usual day
by Sky Cloud Sun Dec 18, 2011 4:50 pm
im gonna continue it, i just havent had the time, and that im waiting on Shadow Star to create another part of her fanfic cause me, Shadow Star, and Comet (The Flying Ace) are going off of each others fanfics.
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Re: the usual day
by Shadow Star Wed Dec 21, 2011 8:42 pm
Sky Cloud wrote:im gonna continue it, i just havent had the time, and that im waiting on Shadow Star to create another part of her fanfic cause me, Shadow Star, and Comet (The Flying Ace) are going off of each others fanfics.
yeah im kind of going through a major writing block right now. I have been staring a one sentence for the past few hours 5 to be exact.
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Re: the usual day
by CamoBadger Fri Dec 23, 2011 1:41 pm
Ah writers block, I know thee well. Music usually fixes it for me, especially Breaking Benjamin
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Re: the usual day
by Sky Cloud Fri Dec 23, 2011 3:54 pm
Breaking benjamin is pretty good.Lyra wrote:Ah writers block, I know thee well. Music usually fixes it for me, especially Breaking Benjamin
Sky Cloud- Ursa Minor
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Sky Cloud- Ursa Minor
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Re: the usual day
by CamoBadger Wed Jan 04, 2012 1:18 pm
:( poor Sky
I like the story here, can't wait to see Shadow Star's side of this!
Wish it was a little longer and more descriptive, but still liking it
I like the story here, can't wait to see Shadow Star's side of this!
Wish it was a little longer and more descriptive, but still liking it
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Re: the usual day
by Sky Cloud Wed Jan 04, 2012 1:23 pm
thank you! shes working on it. i will probably make them longer as they go
Sky Cloud- Ursa Minor
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Sky Cloud- Ursa Minor
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Re: the usual day
by CamoBadger Thu Jan 05, 2012 10:44 pm
Nice!
And now it has the greatest of all story elements; CLIFFHANGER
Now I'm worried about Shadow Star (assuming that was her on the stretcher)
And now it has the greatest of all story elements; CLIFFHANGER
Now I'm worried about Shadow Star (assuming that was her on the stretcher)
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Sky Cloud- Ursa Minor
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Re: the usual day
by Shadow Star Fri Jan 06, 2012 5:51 pm
Well thanks Yeah Ep three will come out soon
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Sky Cloud- Ursa Minor
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Re: the usual day
by CamoBadger Tue Jan 31, 2012 1:11 pm
I liked the chapter, you've done a much better job breaking it up and changing up the pronouns!
2 recommendations:
Whenever a new pony speaks, it should be broken into a new paragraph. That will make it easier to read.
And perhaps combine a few sentences here and there. A lot of this chapter was "Character did action. Then Character did second action." It's hard to get away from, but if you can minimize doing that, it will make the writing seem less choppy.
Still loving this story, and Pinkie scared the crap out of me!
2 recommendations:
Whenever a new pony speaks, it should be broken into a new paragraph. That will make it easier to read.
And perhaps combine a few sentences here and there. A lot of this chapter was "Character did action. Then Character did second action." It's hard to get away from, but if you can minimize doing that, it will make the writing seem less choppy.
Still loving this story, and Pinkie scared the crap out of me!
CamoBadger- Royal Alicorn
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Re: the usual day
by Sky Cloud Tue Jan 31, 2012 1:55 pm
Okey Dokey Lokey i will take that into consideration. What was so scary about pinkie pie?Nurse Redheart wrote:I liked the chapter, you've done a much better job breaking it up and changing up the pronouns!
2 recommendations:
Whenever a new pony speaks, it should be broken into a new paragraph. That will make it easier to read.
And perhaps combine a few sentences here and there. A lot of this chapter was "Character did action. Then Character did second action." It's hard to get away from, but if you can minimize doing that, it will make the writing seem less choppy.
Still loving this story, and Pinkie scared the crap out of me!
Sky Cloud- Ursa Minor
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Re: the usual day
by CamoBadger Tue Jan 31, 2012 11:25 pm
Thought it was about to go Cupcakes for a second there 
CamoBadger- Royal Alicorn
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Re: the usual day
by Sky Cloud Wed Feb 01, 2012 1:51 pm
that was my intentionNurse Redheart wrote:Thought it was about to go Cupcakes for a second there
Sky Cloud- Ursa Minor
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