English Paper

I am working on the first paragraph of a five page persuasive essay for a senior project. I am going to make it pony related. I'll post the paragraph when I'm done with it as well as any following paragraphs for feedback. I may also make a demographics poll for use in the essay.

First paragraph:

On October 10 2010, a show aired on the HUB, a show that gained an unexpected audience, produced one of the friendliest, albeit overwhelming, community, and sparked a virtual war. That show was Hasbro’s My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, and an inordinate amount of teenagers and adults have created an internet community based around the show that has not only survived in the past year and a half, but has thrived. The speed of the growth of the fandom in that small period of time. The cult following of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is becoming one of the most influential subcultures online and off.

Ferrous_Oxide wrote:The speed of the growth of the fandom in that small period of time.

You have this sentence in there that's an incomplete thought.

Gizmo wrote:

Ferrous_Oxide wrote:The speed of the growth of the fandom in that small period of time.

You have this sentence in there that's an incomplete thought.

Thanks for pointing that out, sometimes my brain works faster than my fingers.

I look forward to seeing how this paper plays out!

It's nice, but try to elaborate a bit more about the background/facts.

Example: The show sprung to Internet popularity after someone criticized a negative review of the show and posted it onto a board of a popular site called 4Chan.

Just little facts and elaborations like that can really help beef up your paper, along with giving the reader a better sense of what you're talking about.

Elipsilon wrote:It's nice, but try to elaborate a bit more about the background/facts.

Example: The show sprung to Internet popularity after someone criticized a negative review of the show and posted it onto a board of a popular site called 4Chan.

Just little facts and elaborations like that can really help beef up your paper, along with giving the reader a better sense of what you're talking about.

I'm going to elaborate on the origins and history in the next paragraph. So far, all I have is this first one because it is due today, but I'm working on it so I can make sure it is finished by the deadlines.