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[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Kippershy on Thu May 30, 2013 5:18 pm

swicked wrote:
Kippershy wrote:Well, you have a good point, on every part of that. Still..

I can't love myself. Accept myself? Sure. But especially with my work, until I've rewritten / reformatted all of the early chapters until they're all to the same standard, it'll be seen as crap.
You may not be willing to say it in public, but you wouldn't be writing something you hated that much. I know you are happy after each completed chapter and arc, and you love all the feedback you get for it. It's not just that you wouldn't get feedback if it was actually crap, it's that you take the feedback and use it to improve that shows you take pride in your work.
So, to be perfectly honest, I don't believe you really don't value the work you've done; you enjoy your story and you enjoy your characters.

That your work has motivated someone else to write is pretty amazing, and you probably weren't expecting that strong a response to it, but that's a far cry from an earnest belief that you're just wasting your time with it or anything.

I dunno what to say. I mean, you're right. I do take pride in how it brings people joy to read (mostly) and I especially take pride in when people give positive feedback and say character x has done something that they really enjoyed. I don't think I could ever say that I've wasted time with it at all because deep down, I'm in love with it. Probably obsessive over my writing/story and some of that is because how much time and effort I've poured into it (as well as money for artwork, as a side thing) but you're right - it's also because I love the characters themselves.
I imagine it's how Somber feels about Blackjack and co.

Crimson and Cherry are my babies. I love Crimson like a son and Cherry as my daughter. I could never simply give up on them now, though I had my doubts at times before.
I want to give them the best, they deserve more than I can give is my issue.
They deserve more than they've got, definitely.


Last edited by Kippershy on Fri May 31, 2013 12:09 am; edited 2 times in total (Reason for editing : grammar fix)
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Harmony Ltd. on Thu May 30, 2013 5:23 pm

Kippershy wrote:Besides, why you typing out the smiley commands when you can just click 'em? Or do you not mean the pony smiles?
What I mean is that apart from How for "frown" (which frankly is more "disapproving stare" than anything else), there's no smilies in the five thousand available which properly convey "smile", and no one which convey "laugh". At all.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Caoimhe on Thu May 30, 2013 5:33 pm

Kips I feel bad about upsetting you so I'm starting Broken Bonds tonight.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Valikdu on Thu May 30, 2013 5:41 pm

Harmony Ltd. wrote:there's no smilies in the five thousand available which properly convey "smile"
Why so serious?

no one which convey "laugh". At all.
u mad, Harmony?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Harmony Ltd. on Thu May 30, 2013 5:44 pm

Heh.

I mean non-creepy, genuine smile, and good spirited laugh.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by thatguyvex on Thu May 30, 2013 5:51 pm

FeatherDust wrote:I had an idea some time back for a tribe of island ponies descended from
the survivors of a fleet that was patrolling off the coast, or possibly
on the way to the zebra lands, when the bonds fell. Once it was clear
that a return home would be impossible, they set out to find a safeish
island within their fuel capacity, then disassembled the ships for parts
and shelter. (In my head one of the castaways was Lieutenant Pipsqueak,
his beloved Dinky likely killed in the apocalypse.) Naturally,
seaborne mutants and such would be a part if their everyday life.

I like the basic premise. I'd upgrade from just one island, to perhaps the survivors finding a whole small chain of islands to settle. Then perhaps there'd be a MoAS lab that was hidden on one of the islands, or underwater between the islands, that was sabotaged by zebra infiltrators. The lab might've been working on things like ways to alter and/or control sea life to use in the war.

Gah, got to stop thinking about this, only have so much brain energy for writing/reading things! Especially now that I apparently am going to be checking out Dark Shores, Ouroboros, and Broken Bonds.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Meleagridis on Thu May 30, 2013 6:13 pm

Anybody remember the physical descriptions of the three bucks from the Seahorse? Nails and Clink and whoever?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Icy Shake on Thu May 30, 2013 6:48 pm

I'm in a bit of a hurry, so this is all I could get: Clink described in the bridge scene, in Ch. 54 is a brown earth stallion with heavy scarring and a pair-of-hoofcuffs cutie mark. On a quick search, it seems that Nails has never had a physical description, and as far as I can tell we don't know the name or description of the last rapist.

Also, in chapters 47 and 49, "Seahorse" (the only instance in each chapter) isn't italicized.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by O. Hinds on Thu May 30, 2013 7:05 pm

Somber wrote:Hee. Now you know what it's like...

In other news, no luck on the job front. Sick as a dog too, again. I dunno why but everytime I get a bug it hits me like a truck. Right now my skull feels pressurized. Fortunately Sindri donated some money so I could go to the doctor and get some antibiotics before it sets up shop in my lungs.

As far as 56 is concerned... ugh... its a mess. This whole year has been a mess! I wanted the Society to be one chapter and now it's turning into three! It's Hightower all over again. Sigh... I just need the school year over so I can focus on other things...
Three? Yay!
I do hope that things improve for you on the job and health fronts, though; let us know if we can help.

FeatherDust wrote:
I had an idea some time back for a tribe of island ponies descended from the survivors of a fleet that was patrolling off the coast, or possibly on the way to the zebra lands, when the bonds fell. Once it was clear that a return home would be impossible, they set out to find a safeish island within their fuel capacity, then disassembled the ships for parts and shelter. (In my head one of the castaways was Lieutenant Pipsqueak, his beloved Dinky likely killed in the apocalypse.) Naturally, seaborne mutants and such would be a part if their everyday life.
I had an idea rather like that, only the islanders were descended from the crew of the Last Laugh, Equestria's megaspell submarine intended to keep bombarding locations in the former Pax Roamana for several years after the end of a doomsday megaspell exchange. The submarine was also still functional, sunk in a shallow bay. It's an old idea, though, and I've not worked on it in a while.

FeatherDust wrote:By the way, if somebody wanted to donate to Somber, how would one go about that..?
Dona-- Ah, this has already been answered. Feel free to let me know if you need any more help with the process, though.

Harmony Ltd. wrote:
Derpmind wrote:your muffin horde
*writhes on the floor frothing at the mouth*

It's spelled "hoard"
What, you mean that you've never heard of the great muffin hordes? Scourge of the steppes, conquers of a thousand cities? Masters of eclairback raisinflinging? :D

Icy Shake wrote:Also, in chapters 47 and 49, "Seahorse" (the only instance in each chapter) isn't italicized.
Ah, thank you.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Derpmind on Thu May 30, 2013 8:52 pm

@FoE ocean setting: So I thought about taking that to the extreme, and I realized: Flood the entire planet! As a setting, 'Waterworld with ponies' could have some interesting stories. Cloud structures and dragon-guarded mountaintops and Lyra the seapony!

O. Hinds wrote:What, you mean that you've never heard of the great muffin hordes? Scourge of the steppes, conquers of a thousand cities? Masters of eclairback raisinflinging? :D
This is what mistakes are for! Thank you for being hilarious.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by O. Hinds on Thu May 30, 2013 11:54 pm

Derpmind wrote:
O. Hinds wrote:What, you mean that you've never heard of the great muffin hordes? Scourge of the steppes, conquers of a thousand cities? Masters of eclairback raisinflinging? :D
This is what mistakes are for! Thank you for being hilarious.
I try. :)
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Kippershy on Fri May 31, 2013 12:08 am

Caoimhe wrote:Kips I feel bad about upsetting you so I'm starting Broken Bonds tonight.

You didn't upset me proper. I get annoyed at tunes when people follow the stereotype about 4chan simply because /b/ and a handful of trolls that make it look bad, (which in reality, it's more like Islam - you remember the bad stuff a lot sooner than you remember the mundane or even the good) but I don't actually get upset for more then a minute and then if it even lasts that long, I've already forgotten about it all pretty much.
Don't worry, I don't hold a grudge or nout.

Also, be warned I am rewriting chapter two at the moment so unless you're interested in seeing the horrific state of how I used to write... you'd be best waiting for that. hah.
Though thank you, Caoimbe. It's a lovely gesture that I didn't expect and I really do appreciate you even considering it.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by SilentCarto on Fri May 31, 2013 7:59 pm

swicked wrote:Taint works on the non-living too, right? Would boats floating through tainted waters have a tendency to slowly transform into cottage cheese or some such?
Not so much. It's slippery stuff, in that it will eventually infiltrate, eat through, or leak out of anything you use to contain it or filter it out. Remember the barrels in Maripony? It didn't perform chaos on them so much as just corrode them away.

Here's my headcanon: Tricks like changing a cloud into cotton candy, reversing gravity, or making corn pop on the cob are a sort of "directed" or "focused" form of chaos. It's breaking natural law, but it's breaking it all in the same way over a large area. Taint, on the other hoof, is "unfocused". It doesn't perform the same change at the same time on adjacent particles in an inanimate object. Instead, it's more like... one atom turns into oxygen, another becomes antimatter, another teleports three inches to the left. That's why it affects biological systems more like a traditional mutagen than the sort of coherent changes Discord performed on the animals in his two appearances.

Harmony Ltd. wrote:
Derpmind wrote:your muffin horde
*writhes on the floor frothing at the mouth*

It's spelled "hoard"
Unless it's an army of sentient spork-wielding muffins laying seige to Canterlot.
Only one mare can save us now... Derpy Hooves
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by tylertoon2 on Sun Jun 02, 2013 2:15 am

So uh. Any news on progress? Haven't heard anything from Somber is quite a while.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by O. Hinds on Sun Jun 02, 2013 2:41 am

tylertoon2 wrote:So uh. Any news on progress? Haven't heard anything from Somber is quite a while.
In this thread on the thirtieth of May:
Somber wrote:Hee. Now you know what it's like...

In other news, no luck on the job front. Sick as a dog too, again. I dunno why but everytime I get a bug it hits me like a truck. Right now my skull feels pressurized. Fortunately Sindri donated some money so I could go to the doctor and get some antibiotics before it sets up shop in my lungs.

As far as 56 is concerned... ugh... its a mess. This whole year has been a mess! I wanted the Society to be one chapter and now it's turning into three! It's Hightower all over again. Sigh... I just need the school year over so I can focus on other things...
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by tylertoon2 on Sun Jun 02, 2013 4:07 am

O. Hinds wrote:
tylertoon2 wrote:So uh. Any news on progress? Haven't heard anything from Somber is quite a while.
In this thread on the thirtieth of May:
Somber wrote:Hee. Now you know what it's like...

In other news, no luck on the job front. Sick as a dog too, again. I dunno why but everytime I get a bug it hits me like a truck. Right now my skull feels pressurized. Fortunately Sindri donated some money so I could go to the doctor and get some antibiotics before it sets up shop in my lungs.

As far as 56 is concerned... ugh... its a mess. This whole year has been a mess! I wanted the Society to be one chapter and now it's turning into three! It's Hightower all over again. Sigh... I just need the school year over so I can focus on other things...


Oh sorry. Must have gotten muttled up with all the other stuff.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Icy Shake on Sun Jun 02, 2013 7:21 pm

And now for something completely different: I actually read Chapter Eleven (now with more booze (both for me and in the chapter (but I didn't castrate anyone while reading it)!)).

Chapter 11 Editing:

I admit, I hadn’t liked stable 99’s spiritual leader; she went around killing fun faster than the security ponies did, but I respected her.

"Stable" should be capitalized.


But there are also great opportunities to be had here. Weapons and armor. Lost technology. Mineral wealth. Secrets. Things worth risking lives for, apparently.

The first period could be a colon, explicitly making the subsequent portions a period-delineated list.



“Why didn’t I have this a week ago?” I muttered as I lay on a mattress on the floor of the post office; in front of me was an open copy of ‘The Wasteland Survival Guide: Hoofington Edition’.

Icy Shake wrote:Just to clarify, it looks like your style both here and elsewhere is to not underline or hyphenate book or periodical titles, but to put article titles in single-quotes?

This may be an exception to what I thought I saw, but it's hard to tell: elsewhere, The Wasteland Survival Guide does not seem to appear in quotation marks, but here Blackjack is not explicitly reading the text of the title on the cover. Sadly, FoE is no help in determining how this should be handled.


While I did want to track down P-21, Glory and Sekashi, Priest had pointed out that my friends knew I was coming in this direction.

You tend to use the serial comma, so there should probably be one after "Glory."


The only ways to become a Reaper are to kill a Reaper in one-on-one combat or to win against dozens of wannabe’s at a tryout, so whatever Reaper you’re meeting is probably more badass than the Reaper they replaced.

It looks like the plural of "wannabe" is "wannabes" or "wannabees" (if the root is spelled as the variant "wannabee") (in either case, no apostrophe), so unless this is an error of Ditzy's, it should probably be changed.


Lots of ponies have a favorite like Deus, Rampage[,] or Psychoshy, and discussions of their various fights can usually be found across Hoofington.

In the previous paragraph, Ditzy used the serial comma in "the Hoofington Reapers hoofball team claimed the records for most consecutive injuries, fouls, and penalties in the E.H.L."


Because every single living pony that’s tried to go into the core has died.

Part of the W.S.G., but if not a sic error, "Core" should be capitalized.


Pegasi robot drones scrambled.

Again, part of the W.S.G., but if not a sic error, as I suspect it may be, this would be "pegasus robot drones."


And for you ghouls who think radiation is another pony’s problem, there’s energies in that place that’ll remind you of your death.

Likewise, "there're" for "there's."


The very magic of that place was deadly! There was just something so tempting about the word ‘Forbidden.’

I'm not sure if "forbidden" should in this case be capitalized, but the closing quotation mark should be inside the period, based on your style.


I blinked. “Um, don’t you think that’s a little expensive for some cereal and a soda?

Needs a closing quotation mark.


She had a heart of stacked caps. I’d at least gotten her to agree to spread the word to the other Crusaders to keep Glory, P-21, or Sekashi from following me till I returned.

Triple space after the period.


Gray walls of concrete rose above the slithering moat of the Hoofington river.

Should "river" be capitalized? I'm not sure if it's a name of a geographical feature or just describing that a river ran through Hoofington.


The lights still glowed atop the dam, atop that curtain wall surrounding the core, and on the ugly pillar-like buildings.

"Core" should probably be capitalized.


Besides, I still had a ten-thousand cap goal to attain.

"Ten thousand" isn't ordinarily hyphenated: should this, perhaps, be "ten thousand cap goal" or "ten-thousand-cap goal"?


As I touched the front doors, there was a buzz overhead and an automated voice said, “I am sorry -Bzzzt- patron, the museum is under temporary lockdown. Please contact -Bzzzt- in security.”

In the other instances, "-bzzzt" isn't capitalized.


‘Rocks of Equestria.’

A case where the quotation mark should probably be inside the period, as she is (probably) reading a sign, which (probably?) wouldn't have the period.


The Hoofington river valley was first colonized -bzzzzt- ago by nomadic zebra tribes.

Okay, it looks like "Hoofingon River" and probably "Hoofington River Valley" are proper nouns: each word of "Hoofington River Valley" should probably be capitalized.


The first Equestrian explorers to reach the Hoofington -bzzzzzzzt- ley were an expedition led by Prince Blueblood the 3rd.

Given that this is an audio recording, not textual, I'd suggest going with the standard form of "Prince Blueblood III," the pronunciation of which would be indistinguishable, but it might be grammatical this way, too.


According to his highly questionable memoirs, he faced cannibalistic zebra pigmies, a swarm of hightly territorial -kzzzt- griffins, and one ursa major.

"Pigmies" is an acknowledged variant spelling of "pygmies." In the context of Equestria, though, I'd suggest using "pygmies" unless they were zebra-pig pygmies, since that could very well be a thing in the setting (though given the dubious nature of the memoirs, I guess that's not entirely unlikely to be what he meant). See below for comments on ursa capitalization. Also "highly," not "hightly."


The display was titled, ‘How the Hoofington Volcano destroyed the zebra.’

Closing quotation mark should probably be inside of the period.


The first showed a large volcano with a large zebra city at its base. The second showed half the mountain blowing out over the zebra city, The third had a large crater sitting at the base of the granite dome, the depression full of lava.

"the zebra city. The third had": period, not comma.


While Manehattan academics strongly dispute these claims, sufficient eye witness -Skrrrr klick-.

It's a weird thing, but is there a reason for sometimes capitalizing the first letter of static, and sometimes not?


Then a buck’s staticy, crackling voice started to speak.

"Staticky" (M-W)


“Today, zebrakind has revealed its true face to all of Equestria . . . For Equestria, for Princess Luna, for all of Ponykind, Hoofington rises!”

Was this speech supposed to be in a typeface, and possibly a font size, different from the rest of the chapter?


The speakers spat out some garblygook at me, then gave a static whine and went silent.

"Gobbledygook," (it's a real word) recognized variant spellings "gobbledygook" and "gobbledegook," though the dictionary meaning of the word ("wordy and generally unintelligible jargon") may not have been what you were going for.


Still, the effect was spoilt somewhat by the reality of knowing the zebras had, in fact, won against the Hoof.

"Spoiled" is how you spell it in all other cases but one.


I looked down...I hadn’t stepped on one.

There should be a space after the ellipsis.


There was a moment where their grins showed this to be the best night of the lives.

Would this be more logical as "a moment when"?


“Now, I hear wine is mighty fine
It makes you feel so frisky!
But trouble’s come, so get er done
And don’t forget the whiskey!


Needs closing quotation mark (the first stanza has one, unless it shouldn't: see below), and the colloquial nature of the song complicates things, but "'er" should probably still start with an apostrophe.


“Oh you shoulda just sent the whiskey,
When ya heard that troubles coming
Oh you shoulda just sent the whiskey
Then all this woulda been nothing!


Closing quotation mark? Also, "trouble's."


I see Hoofton, I see Prance...

I just want to confirm "Hoofton" is not supposed to be "Hoofington."


“Now vodka grows from winter snows
That make you cold and shivery!
But that icy bite just don’t feel right
So best send me a whiskey!


Closing quotation mark?


Unfortunately while things under my hooves snapped nicely, the fall sent me staggering too.

Possible missing comma or commas: Unfortunately[,] while things under my hooves snapped nicely, the fall sent me staggering[,] too.


My telekinesis took her ruined shotgun, pulled it from her grip[,] and spun it around, smashing in the side of her head.

Possible missing serial comma.


“Oh you shoulda just sent the whiskey
When you knew that I was coming!
Oh you shoulda just sent the whiskey
Then you wouldn’t get a thumping!


Closing quotation mark?


“Times are rough and things are bad
But don’t you get sad and weepy!
When you know that I’m a coming
Just send me your whiskey!


As the last stanza, this one probably should have a closing quotation mark even if the others don't (and if they don't, the first stanza shouldn't have one).


I finished the song, cutting his throat with the bowie knife, feeling my heart pounding as I limped around the floor, stepping past the buck squirming and curled up, protecting his precious bits (or what was left of them, anyway).

"Bowie" is capitalized, both in general usage and in the Fallout: New Vegas expansion Lonesome Road.


“Now,I know we all need caps really bad,” I said, trying to be the voice of reason.

There should be a space after "now."


“Arrrgh… more elusive bucks. Why can’t they just say what’s bugging them? Why is that so- Owwww…,” I whimpered as my voice caught up with my hangover. “Stupid hangover. Stupid brain.”

There's some odd punctuation going on here. "So" should probably be followed by a dash (or double-hyphen) given that it seems to be a case of her interrupting herself involuntarily, and has a space after it. Words not otherwise capitalized aren't ordinarily capitalized following dashes (or hyphen-spaces?). The ellipsis-comma is unusual, too, and would probably be improved by the deletion of the comma.


Clearly, museums and other places of learning were unhealthy to ponies like me. I trotted up the ridge towards the chapel and then froze.

There's only one space following the period between "me" and "I."


A name. A race.

Only one space following the period between "name" and "a."


The shortest of epitaphs on the small marble headstones: Loving father, caring mother, best damn bastard, surest friend.

There are too many to get a full sample of the whole story, but it seems like in general you don't capitalize following colons unless the word would otherwise be capitalized or the colon follows a mere introduction (like a date or entry number) rather than a sentence.


It wasn’t cannibalism; there was nothing ponified about your meal.

"Ponified" seems like an odd choice; would "pony" or "equine" read better?


Still, she wasn’t trying to bite his hoof as Priest touched her brow gently.

This might work better as "bite Priest's hoof as he touched her," since Priest didn't appear in the last sentece-and-a-half (and only at the very beginning of the half-sentence he was in), plus two separated modifiers. Selfishly indulging myself, I'll also note that I think "gently touched her brow" flows more smoothly.


A large unicorn mare dressed head to hoof in black mourners garb.

"Mourner's"


“Wait!” I yelled, running as fast as I could towards the trio.

Since "I yelled" is, I think, modifying the exclamation, there should only be one space between the closing quotation mark and "I yelled."

Other Editing Matters:
Chapter 1

The worst security pony in the Stable?

The outside is safe and clean and we’re all going to be able to leave the Stable soon!

Stable-Tec says they need a special data file from the Stable that will tell them how we’ve been doing the last two centuries.

That meant that it was probably coming from outside the Stable.

In the Stable’s communication maneframe; you can access it in Maintenance One outside the Overmare’s office.

Generally speaking, you don't treat "the stable" as a proper noun, even when referring to a particular one, though you are more balanced in Chapter 1.


Chapter 5

Gee… looks like stable 99 wasn’t so unique after all.

"Stable" should be capitalized.


Chapter 9

He somehow convinced Duct Tape to break just about every rule for fraternization and teach him the skills he’d need to eventually escape from the Stable.

Generally speaking, you don't treat "the stable" as a proper noun, even when referring to a particular one.


Chapter 12

“Ugh… things were just easier back in the Stable. You put yourself on a male’s breeding queue and waited for your turn. Easy.”

Generally speaking, you don't treat "the stable" as a proper noun, even when referring to a particular one.


Chapter 20

No visit to the Hoofington area is complete without spotting the Hoofington River. The largest river in all of Equestria in our times, the Hoofington river runs north from Equestria’s second-largest lake to the sea.

"Hoofington River" should probably be capitalized.


Chapter 23

Of course, it didn’t keep it’s brain there, so the effect was a little bit spoilt.

"Spoiled," also "its."“Might as well be rename us Twist’s Terminators or Psalm’s "

“Might as well be rename us Twist’s Terminators or Psalm’s Slaughterers.”

This should probably either have "renaming" replace "rename" or remove "be."


Chapter 24

They’ll remember working on Stable 93, when a gas leak knocked them all out and the Stable had to be evacuated.

Generally speaking, you don't treat "the stable" as a proper noun, even when referring to a particular one.


Chapter 26

You suffer 25% less enervation damage, and your healing items decay half as fast while in your possession.

"Enervation" should be capitalized.


Chapter 28

You’ve been exposed to unprecedented levels of taint and enervation.

"Enervation" should be capitalized.


Chapter 30

“Maybe if we were in Chapel… or some low radiation… low enervation… some better place…

"Enervation" should be capitalized.


Chapter 31

My whole life, I’d always been Blackjack; maybe not the smartest pony in the Stable, but still me.

Generally speaking, you don't treat "the stable" as a proper noun, even when referring to a particular one. Also, the semicolon should be a colon, as what follows is not an independent clause.

Chapter 32

Ugh… I felt and smelled like I was trapped in a well-used toilet… but I was bad enough off Taintwise at the moment.

"Taint" is a weird case: you generally don't capitalize "taint," but Kkat was pretty inconsistent with her capitalization of the word, perhaps, on balance, leaning toward not capitalizing it (outside of the "Touched by Taint" perk and similar cases).

Chapter 34

“Well, while I admire your attempt at diplomacy, I’m afraid that, in the face of alicorns, griffons, and this army, it was a little… ah… overambitious?”

I blinked, but she immediately left the cover and walked casually towards the two armored griffons, leaving me scrambling to catch up.

"Griffins."


Chapter 35

The enervation rings weren’t just in Hoofington.

Should I tell her about the enervation ring?

"Enervation" should be capitalized.

“Personally, I just wish I knew what Taint is… I mean, I had a gun filled with the stuff!”

You mostly don't capitalize "taint."


Chapter 37

“And if you’re looking for our legal department, they’re located on the fourth floor… office hours eleven fifty eight to eleven fifty nine, griffon standard time!” Flim added with a wide grin.

"Griffin," also, each word in "Griffin Standard Time" should probably be capitalized, by analogy to the real-world zones.


Chapter 41

“Even if it failed, the Stable lasted two centuries, longer than any gang… and life was better than out here… at least, for mares, it was. I’m not saying it was perfect. I’m not saying there weren’t things wrong even before Deus broke in. I’m just saying that ponies working together is better than ponies killing, taking, and ruling over others. In the end, that was exactly how the stable fell apart.”

Generally speaking, you don't treat "the stable" as a proper noun, even when referring to a particular one. Note that it's even treated both ways within this single quotation.


Chapter 42

The highway was approaching the Zenith bridge, the glorious white arch that ran from bluff to bluff over the Hoofington river looking quite breathtaking as I drew closer.

"Hoofington River" should probably have both words capitalized.


Chapter 48

That whirring within me grew sharper; the scream of enervation growing clearer.

"Enervation" should be capitalized. Also, either the semicolon should be a comma or "growing" should be "grew."


Chapter 49

I looked at the horseshoe-shaped strip mall beside the Hoofington river and the numerous ponies around vendors and shops.

"Hoofington River" should probably be capitalized.


Chapter 53

“Come on down to the Stable.”

Generally speaking, you don't treat "the stable" as a proper noun, even when referring to a particular one.


Chapter 54

Dawn had said there was a fuse lit once EC-1101 was out of stable 99.

"Stable" should be capitalized.

The fury of the spirits, the might of dragons. The ferocity of griffons. The power of things... beyond your grasp.

"Griffins." Also, there is only one space following the period between "dragons" and "the ferocity."


Chapter 55

I stared off at a lone monolithic skyscraper with the stable-tec logo on the side, remembering the meeting.

"Stable-Tec" should be capitalized.

The green glow of the core illuminated her maw.

"Core" should probably be capitalized.


You might find a search of "[the] Overmare" and "[the] Princesses" to be useful: it seems like sometimes each is capitalized, and sometimes each is not. I can't say I have found a general rule for either's capitalization, as sometimes when the word refers to a mere role, it is capitalized, and sometimes it is not, and—frustratingly—"princesses" can sometimes refer to a job-role, and sometimes to a divinity-role, which might justifiably be treated differently, and is only complicated by the inclusion of Cad[a]nce. Also, the footnote to Chapter 43 uses "Cadence," while elsewhere you use "Cadance."


You use "prewar" and "pre-war" with approximately the same frequency: I believe ten cases of the former to thirteen cases of the latter, over the course of the narrative.


11: According to his highly questionable memoirs, he faced cannibalistic zebra pigmies, a swarm of hightly territorial -kzzzt- griffins, and one ursa major.
12: I’ll be fed to an ursa major if it gets back to the Ministry I did this, but I’m supposed to be our squad’s morale officer.
28: “Even worse Idea. Ever hear of an Ursa Major?” (Also, "idea" probably shouldn't be capitalized.)
29: Calamity crashed the fucking train into the possessed Ursa Major! (Here, though, it's in the context of a text record.)
49: “She was the most amazing, most talented, most awesome unicorn in all of Equestria… even if she couldn’t banish the Ursa Minor.”

You might want to standardize your capitalization practice for the ursas.


11: I did find a medical brace in the security office, and helped splint one of Busted Legs’ busted legs.
13: The pegasus, a deeper blue that bordered on purple, gave me a frown that was probably much more honest than Lighthooves’ pleasant grin.
13: After Lighthooves’s schmoozefest, the blunt suggestion was almost refreshing.
13: Failed to put together Lighthooves’ plot in time.
43: I could almost cue Lighthooves’ nervous look.
51: “Tell me, what is Operative ‘Lighthooves’’s real name?”
55: A part of me wanted nothing more than to find him for a sound rematch... but, ultimately, whatever was going on with him wasn’t as immediate as Lighthooves’s biological weapon or Dawn’s actions with the Harbingers.
55: So, since we’d left Grimhorn, I was thinking of everything I could to head off Lighthooves’s threat first.

Standardize possessives of nouns ending with an "s." Which way are you going with it?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by O. Hinds on Sun Jun 02, 2013 9:40 pm

Icy Shake wrote:And now for something completely different: I actually read Chapter Eleven (now with more booze (both for me and in the chapter (but I didn't castrate anyone while reading it)!)).

Chapter 11 Editing:

I admit, I hadn’t liked stable 99’s spiritual leader; she went around killing fun faster than the security ponies did, but I respected her.

"Stable" should be capitalized.


But there are also great opportunities to be had here. Weapons and armor. Lost technology. Mineral wealth. Secrets. Things worth risking lives for, apparently.

The first period could be a colon, explicitly making the subsequent portions a period-delineated list.



“Why didn’t I have this a week ago?” I muttered as I lay on a mattress on the floor of the post office; in front of me was an open copy of ‘The Wasteland Survival Guide: Hoofington Edition’.

Icy Shake wrote:Just to clarify, it looks like your style both here and elsewhere is to not underline or hyphenate book or periodical titles, but to put article titles in single-quotes?

This may be an exception to what I thought I saw, but it's hard to tell: elsewhere, The Wasteland Survival Guide does not seem to appear in quotation marks, but here Blackjack is not explicitly reading the text of the title on the cover. Sadly, FoE is no help in determining how this should be handled.


While I did want to track down P-21, Glory and Sekashi, Priest had pointed out that my friends knew I was coming in this direction.

You tend to use the serial comma, so there should probably be one after "Glory."


The only ways to become a Reaper are to kill a Reaper in one-on-one combat or to win against dozens of wannabe’s at a tryout, so whatever Reaper you’re meeting is probably more badass than the Reaper they replaced.

It looks like the plural of "wannabe" is "wannabes" or "wannabees" (if the root is spelled as the variant "wannabee") (in either case, no apostrophe), so unless this is an error of Ditzy's, it should probably be changed.


Lots of ponies have a favorite like Deus, Rampage[,] or Psychoshy, and discussions of their various fights can usually be found across Hoofington.

In the previous paragraph, Ditzy used the serial comma in "the Hoofington Reapers hoofball team claimed the records for most consecutive injuries, fouls, and penalties in the E.H.L."


Because every single living pony that’s tried to go into the core has died.

Part of the W.S.G., but if not a sic error, "Core" should be capitalized.


Pegasi robot drones scrambled.

Again, part of the W.S.G., but if not a sic error, as I suspect it may be, this would be "pegasus robot drones."


And for you ghouls who think radiation is another pony’s problem, there’s energies in that place that’ll remind you of your death.

Likewise, "there're" for "there's."


The very magic of that place was deadly! There was just something so tempting about the word ‘Forbidden.’

I'm not sure if "forbidden" should in this case be capitalized, but the closing quotation mark should be inside the period, based on your style.


I blinked. “Um, don’t you think that’s a little expensive for some cereal and a soda?

Needs a closing quotation mark.


She had a heart of stacked caps. I’d at least gotten her to agree to spread the word to the other Crusaders to keep Glory, P-21, or Sekashi from following me till I returned.

Triple space after the period.


Gray walls of concrete rose above the slithering moat of the Hoofington river.

Should "river" be capitalized? I'm not sure if it's a name of a geographical feature or just describing that a river ran through Hoofington.


The lights still glowed atop the dam, atop that curtain wall surrounding the core, and on the ugly pillar-like buildings.

"Core" should probably be capitalized.


Besides, I still had a ten-thousand cap goal to attain.

"Ten thousand" isn't ordinarily hyphenated: should this, perhaps, be "ten thousand cap goal" or "ten-thousand-cap goal"?


As I touched the front doors, there was a buzz overhead and an automated voice said, “I am sorry -Bzzzt- patron, the museum is under temporary lockdown. Please contact -Bzzzt- in security.”

In the other instances, "-bzzzt" isn't capitalized.


‘Rocks of Equestria.’

A case where the quotation mark should probably be inside the period, as she is (probably) reading a sign, which (probably?) wouldn't have the period.


The Hoofington river valley was first colonized -bzzzzt- ago by nomadic zebra tribes.

Okay, it looks like "Hoofingon River" and probably "Hoofington River Valley" are proper nouns: each word of "Hoofington River Valley" should probably be capitalized.


The first Equestrian explorers to reach the Hoofington -bzzzzzzzt- ley were an expedition led by Prince Blueblood the 3rd.

Given that this is an audio recording, not textual, I'd suggest going with the standard form of "Prince Blueblood III," the pronunciation of which would be indistinguishable, but it might be grammatical this way, too.


According to his highly questionable memoirs, he faced cannibalistic zebra pigmies, a swarm of hightly territorial -kzzzt- griffins, and one ursa major.

"Pigmies" is an acknowledged variant spelling of "pygmies." In the context of Equestria, though, I'd suggest using "pygmies" unless they were zebra-pig pygmies, since that could very well be a thing in the setting (though given the dubious nature of the memoirs, I guess that's not entirely unlikely to be what he meant). See below for comments on ursa capitalization. Also "highly," not "hightly."


The display was titled, ‘How the Hoofington Volcano destroyed the zebra.’

Closing quotation mark should probably be inside of the period.


The first showed a large volcano with a large zebra city at its base. The second showed half the mountain blowing out over the zebra city, The third had a large crater sitting at the base of the granite dome, the depression full of lava.

"the zebra city. The third had": period, not comma.


While Manehattan academics strongly dispute these claims, sufficient eye witness -Skrrrr klick-.

It's a weird thing, but is there a reason for sometimes capitalizing the first letter of static, and sometimes not?


Then a buck’s staticy, crackling voice started to speak.

"Staticky" (M-W)


“Today, zebrakind has revealed its true face to all of Equestria . . . For Equestria, for Princess Luna, for all of Ponykind, Hoofington rises!”

Was this speech supposed to be in a typeface, and possibly a font size, different from the rest of the chapter?


The speakers spat out some garblygook at me, then gave a static whine and went silent.

"Gobbledygook," (it's a real word) recognized variant spellings "gobbledygook" and "gobbledegook," though the dictionary meaning of the word ("wordy and generally unintelligible jargon") may not have been what you were going for.


Still, the effect was spoilt somewhat by the reality of knowing the zebras had, in fact, won against the Hoof.

"Spoiled" is how you spell it in all other cases but one.


I looked down...I hadn’t stepped on one.

There should be a space after the ellipsis.


There was a moment where their grins showed this to be the best night of the lives.

Would this be more logical as "a moment when"?


“Now, I hear wine is mighty fine
It makes you feel so frisky!
But trouble’s come, so get er done
And don’t forget the whiskey!


Needs closing quotation mark (the first stanza has one, unless it shouldn't: see below), and the colloquial nature of the song complicates things, but "'er" should probably still start with an apostrophe.


“Oh you shoulda just sent the whiskey,
When ya heard that troubles coming
Oh you shoulda just sent the whiskey
Then all this woulda been nothing!


Closing quotation mark? Also, "trouble's."


I see Hoofton, I see Prance...

I just want to confirm "Hoofton" is not supposed to be "Hoofington."


“Now vodka grows from winter snows
That make you cold and shivery!
But that icy bite just don’t feel right
So best send me a whiskey!


Closing quotation mark?


Unfortunately while things under my hooves snapped nicely, the fall sent me staggering too.

Possible missing comma or commas: Unfortunately[,] while things under my hooves snapped nicely, the fall sent me staggering[,] too.


My telekinesis took her ruined shotgun, pulled it from her grip[,] and spun it around, smashing in the side of her head.

Possible missing serial comma.


“Oh you shoulda just sent the whiskey
When you knew that I was coming!
Oh you shoulda just sent the whiskey
Then you wouldn’t get a thumping!


Closing quotation mark?


“Times are rough and things are bad
But don’t you get sad and weepy!
When you know that I’m a coming
Just send me your whiskey!


As the last stanza, this one probably should have a closing quotation mark even if the others don't (and if they don't, the first stanza shouldn't have one).


I finished the song, cutting his throat with the bowie knife, feeling my heart pounding as I limped around the floor, stepping past the buck squirming and curled up, protecting his precious bits (or what was left of them, anyway).

"Bowie" is capitalized, both in general usage and in the Fallout: New Vegas expansion Lonesome Road.


“Now,I know we all need caps really bad,” I said, trying to be the voice of reason.

There should be a space after "now."


“Arrrgh… more elusive bucks. Why can’t they just say what’s bugging them? Why is that so- Owwww…,” I whimpered as my voice caught up with my hangover. “Stupid hangover. Stupid brain.”

There's some odd punctuation going on here. "So" should probably be followed by a dash (or double-hyphen) given that it seems to be a case of her interrupting herself involuntarily, and has a space after it. Words not otherwise capitalized aren't ordinarily capitalized following dashes (or hyphen-spaces?). The ellipsis-comma is unusual, too, and would probably be improved by the deletion of the comma.


Clearly, museums and other places of learning were unhealthy to ponies like me. I trotted up the ridge towards the chapel and then froze.

There's only one space following the period between "me" and "I."


A name. A race.

Only one space following the period between "name" and "a."


The shortest of epitaphs on the small marble headstones: Loving father, caring mother, best damn bastard, surest friend.

There are too many to get a full sample of the whole story, but it seems like in general you don't capitalize following colons unless the word would otherwise be capitalized or the colon follows a mere introduction (like a date or entry number) rather than a sentence.


It wasn’t cannibalism; there was nothing ponified about your meal.

"Ponified" seems like an odd choice; would "pony" or "equine" read better?


Still, she wasn’t trying to bite his hoof as Priest touched her brow gently.

This might work better as "bite Priest's hoof as he touched her," since Priest didn't appear in the last sentece-and-a-half (and only at the very beginning of the half-sentence he was in), plus two separated modifiers. Selfishly indulging myself, I'll also note that I think "gently touched her brow" flows more smoothly.


A large unicorn mare dressed head to hoof in black mourners garb.

"Mourner's"


“Wait!” I yelled, running as fast as I could towards the trio.

Since "I yelled" is, I think, modifying the exclamation, there should only be one space between the closing quotation mark and "I yelled."

Other Editing Matters:
Chapter 1

The worst security pony in the Stable?

The outside is safe and clean and we’re all going to be able to leave the Stable soon!

Stable-Tec says they need a special data file from the Stable that will tell them how we’ve been doing the last two centuries.

That meant that it was probably coming from outside the Stable.

In the Stable’s communication maneframe; you can access it in Maintenance One outside the Overmare’s office.

Generally speaking, you don't treat "the stable" as a proper noun, even when referring to a particular one, though you are more balanced in Chapter 1.


Chapter 5

Gee… looks like stable 99 wasn’t so unique after all.

"Stable" should be capitalized.


Chapter 9

He somehow convinced Duct Tape to break just about every rule for fraternization and teach him the skills he’d need to eventually escape from the Stable.

Generally speaking, you don't treat "the stable" as a proper noun, even when referring to a particular one.


Chapter 12

“Ugh… things were just easier back in the Stable. You put yourself on a male’s breeding queue and waited for your turn. Easy.”

Generally speaking, you don't treat "the stable" as a proper noun, even when referring to a particular one.


Chapter 20

No visit to the Hoofington area is complete without spotting the Hoofington River. The largest river in all of Equestria in our times, the Hoofington river runs north from Equestria’s second-largest lake to the sea.

"Hoofington River" should probably be capitalized.


Chapter 23

Of course, it didn’t keep it’s brain there, so the effect was a little bit spoilt.

"Spoiled," also "its."“Might as well be rename us Twist’s Terminators or Psalm’s "

“Might as well be rename us Twist’s Terminators or Psalm’s Slaughterers.”

This should probably either have "renaming" replace "rename" or remove "be."


Chapter 24

They’ll remember working on Stable 93, when a gas leak knocked them all out and the Stable had to be evacuated.

Generally speaking, you don't treat "the stable" as a proper noun, even when referring to a particular one.


Chapter 26

You suffer 25% less enervation damage, and your healing items decay half as fast while in your possession.

"Enervation" should be capitalized.


Chapter 28

You’ve been exposed to unprecedented levels of taint and enervation.

"Enervation" should be capitalized.


Chapter 30

“Maybe if we were in Chapel… or some low radiation… low enervation… some better place…

"Enervation" should be capitalized.


Chapter 31

My whole life, I’d always been Blackjack; maybe not the smartest pony in the Stable, but still me.

Generally speaking, you don't treat "the stable" as a proper noun, even when referring to a particular one. Also, the semicolon should be a colon, as what follows is not an independent clause.

Chapter 32

Ugh… I felt and smelled like I was trapped in a well-used toilet… but I was bad enough off Taintwise at the moment.

"Taint" is a weird case: you generally don't capitalize "taint," but Kkat was pretty inconsistent with her capitalization of the word, perhaps, on balance, leaning toward not capitalizing it (outside of the "Touched by Taint" perk and similar cases).

Chapter 34

“Well, while I admire your attempt at diplomacy, I’m afraid that, in the face of alicorns, griffons, and this army, it was a little… ah… overambitious?”

I blinked, but she immediately left the cover and walked casually towards the two armored griffons, leaving me scrambling to catch up.

"Griffins."


Chapter 35

The enervation rings weren’t just in Hoofington.

Should I tell her about the enervation ring?

"Enervation" should be capitalized.

“Personally, I just wish I knew what Taint is… I mean, I had a gun filled with the stuff!”

You mostly don't capitalize "taint."


Chapter 37

“And if you’re looking for our legal department, they’re located on the fourth floor… office hours eleven fifty eight to eleven fifty nine, griffon standard time!” Flim added with a wide grin.

"Griffin," also, each word in "Griffin Standard Time" should probably be capitalized, by analogy to the real-world zones.


Chapter 41

“Even if it failed, the Stable lasted two centuries, longer than any gang… and life was better than out here… at least, for mares, it was. I’m not saying it was perfect. I’m not saying there weren’t things wrong even before Deus broke in. I’m just saying that ponies working together is better than ponies killing, taking, and ruling over others. In the end, that was exactly how the stable fell apart.”

Generally speaking, you don't treat "the stable" as a proper noun, even when referring to a particular one. Note that it's even treated both ways within this single quotation.


Chapter 42

The highway was approaching the Zenith bridge, the glorious white arch that ran from bluff to bluff over the Hoofington river looking quite breathtaking as I drew closer.

"Hoofington River" should probably have both words capitalized.


Chapter 48

That whirring within me grew sharper; the scream of enervation growing clearer.

"Enervation" should be capitalized. Also, either the semicolon should be a comma or "growing" should be "grew."


Chapter 49

I looked at the horseshoe-shaped strip mall beside the Hoofington river and the numerous ponies around vendors and shops.

"Hoofington River" should probably be capitalized.


Chapter 53

“Come on down to the Stable.”

Generally speaking, you don't treat "the stable" as a proper noun, even when referring to a particular one.


Chapter 54

Dawn had said there was a fuse lit once EC-1101 was out of stable 99.

"Stable" should be capitalized.

The fury of the spirits, the might of dragons. The ferocity of griffons. The power of things... beyond your grasp.

"Griffins." Also, there is only one space following the period between "dragons" and "the ferocity."


Chapter 55

I stared off at a lone monolithic skyscraper with the stable-tec logo on the side, remembering the meeting.

"Stable-Tec" should be capitalized.

The green glow of the core illuminated her maw.

"Core" should probably be capitalized.


You might find a search of "[the] Overmare" and "[the] Princesses" to be useful: it seems like sometimes each is capitalized, and sometimes each is not. I can't say I have found a general rule for either's capitalization, as sometimes when the word refers to a mere role, it is capitalized, and sometimes it is not, and—frustratingly—"princesses" can sometimes refer to a job-role, and sometimes to a divinity-role, which might justifiably be treated differently, and is only complicated by the inclusion of Cad[a]nce. Also, the footnote to Chapter 43 uses "Cadence," while elsewhere you use "Cadance."


You use "prewar" and "pre-war" with approximately the same frequency: I believe ten cases of the former to thirteen cases of the latter, over the course of the narrative.


11: According to his highly questionable memoirs, he faced cannibalistic zebra pigmies, a swarm of hightly territorial -kzzzt- griffins, and one ursa major.
12: I’ll be fed to an ursa major if it gets back to the Ministry I did this, but I’m supposed to be our squad’s morale officer.
28: “Even worse Idea. Ever hear of an Ursa Major?” (Also, "idea" probably shouldn't be capitalized.)
29: Calamity crashed the fucking train into the possessed Ursa Major! (Here, though, it's in the context of a text record.)
49: “She was the most amazing, most talented, most awesome unicorn in all of Equestria… even if she couldn’t banish the Ursa Minor.”

You might want to standardize your capitalization practice for the ursas.


11: I did find a medical brace in the security office, and helped splint one of Busted Legs’ busted legs.
13: The pegasus, a deeper blue that bordered on purple, gave me a frown that was probably much more honest than Lighthooves’ pleasant grin.
13: After Lighthooves’s schmoozefest, the blunt suggestion was almost refreshing.
13: Failed to put together Lighthooves’ plot in time.
43: I could almost cue Lighthooves’ nervous look.
51: “Tell me, what is Operative ‘Lighthooves’’s real name?”
55: A part of me wanted nothing more than to find him for a sound rematch... but, ultimately, whatever was going on with him wasn’t as immediate as Lighthooves’s biological weapon or Dawn’s actions with the Harbingers.
55: So, since we’d left Grimhorn, I was thinking of everything I could to head off Lighthooves’s threat first.

Standardize possessives of nouns ending with an "s." Which way are you going with it?
Ah, thank you very much.

Icy Shake wrote:Standardize possessives of nouns ending with an "s." Which way are you going with it?
We're supposed to use the American style. I've corrected the ones that you've pointed out here.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Meleagridis on Sun Jun 02, 2013 11:36 pm

I'm seeing more edits than that. Why'd all these chapters get the touch-up today? Someone have too much time on their hands?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by O. Hinds on Mon Jun 03, 2013 12:08 am

Meleagridis wrote:I'm seeing more edits than that. Why'd all these chapters get the touch-up today? Someone have too much time on their hands?
I'm not sure what you're seeing, I'm afraid; my instruments indicate that I'm the only one to have edited PH today so far, and I've only worked from that post by Icy Shake.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Meleagridis on Mon Jun 03, 2013 12:13 am

I've got a mishmash of chapters- between one and fourty-nine -getting modified today at around seven.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Admiral Stoic Rum on Mon Jun 03, 2013 12:33 am

hackesd
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by O. Hinds on Mon Jun 03, 2013 1:32 am

Meleagridis wrote:I've got a mishmash of chapters- between one and fourty-nine -getting modified today at around seven.
...But isn't that around the range I edited?

Oh, you did know that there were more spotted mistakes in Icy Shake's second spoiler, yes?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Train Dodger on Mon Jun 03, 2013 11:58 am

OCD Powers, Activate!

Chapter 1:
Mares might occasionally force another mare against her will, a class A crime, but for a buck to do that to a mare was… focus Blackjack!

Grammar: Double-space after ellipsis; should be single-space.

Footnote: Level up.

New Perk: Rapid Reload - All your weapon reloads are 25% faster than normal.

I just noticed that all of these level up footnotes are formatted differently. Some have exclamation marks after level up. Some have a period after it. Some have no period after it. Some separate the perk's name and description with a hyphen, while others use a colon. Some don't capitalize the perk name correctly. Some say "New Perk". Others say "Perk", or "Perk Added".

The majority of them should probably follow a more standard format, similar to the original FoE's:

Footnote: Level Up.

Skill Note: [Skill] (xx)

New Perk: [Perk Name] – [Perk Description].

Quest Perk: [Perk Name] – [Perk Description].

Accordingly, this chapter's footnote should be formatted as follows:

[Footnote: Level Up.

New Perk: Rapid Reload All your weapon reloads are 25% faster than normal.]

Chapter 2:
Footnote: Level up

Perk: Telekinetic precision: You’ve got a steady horn on your head for when you need to count sand, thread a needle, or keep a pin in a grenade.

Prose: "Level up" has no period after it and isn't capitalized in the standard format. Precision isn't capitalized either, and there's a colon instead of a dash between it and the description. Footnote should be revised to:

[Footnote: Level Up.

New Perk: Telekinetic Precision – You’ve got a steady horn on your head for when you need to count sand, thread a needle, or keep a pin in a grenade.]

Chapter 3:
Footnote: Level up.

Skill note: Guns (50)

Perk Added: Run and gun. Better accuracy with ranged weapons while moving.

Quest perk added: Minor Mutation: Rad Sight - When under the effects of minor radiation poisoning, gain +1 perception in low light conditions. -15 to sneak, speech when not wearing sunglasses, authority glasses, or mirrored sunglasses

Prose: "Run and gun" isn't capitalized correctly, there's a double-space between "gain" and "+1", "perception" isn't capitalized, and "low light" isn't hyphenated. Also, there's no period after "sunglasses" at the end of the quest perk description.

Again, footnote should read:

[Footnote: Level Up.

Skill Note: Guns (50)

New Perk: Run and Gun – Better accuracy with ranged weapons while moving.

Quest Perk: Minor Mutation: Rad Sight When under the effects of minor radiation poisoning, gain +1 Perception in low-light conditions. -15 to sneak, speech when not wearing sunglasses, authority glasses, or mirrored sunglasses.]

Chapter 4:
There was some irony in that the raiders were based out of a donut shop along the road from Withers; if I hadn’t made that detour, we’d be facing much stiffer resistance. A faded brown unicorn held a ring and the chipped lettering read ‘Pony Joe’s’.

Grammar: Quadruple-space between words in bold.



Footnote: Level up.

New Perk: Friend of the Night - Your eyes adapt quickly to low-light situations.

Prose: Same deal. Capitalize level up as "Level Up.", and replace the hyphen with a dash, as in "–". Example:

[Footnote: Level Up.

New Perk: Friend of the Night Your eyes adapt quickly to low-light situations.]

In Chapter 5, Security goes shopping:

Chapter 5:
Bright neon lights flickered in the rainy gray weather: ‘Megamart’, they said, and beneath that in bright red paint was ‘Finders Keepers’.

Grammar: Double-space between words in bold.

They moved in small clumps, keeping wary eye as they looked around.

Grammar: [keeping wary eye] > [keeping a wary eye]

Two well dressed fillies were escorted by a dozen body guards as they chattered on about ‘slumming’.

Grammar: Should be hyphenated as "well-dressed".

“Hoofington had more military bases around it than any city in Equestria on account of the enemy constantly attempting to disrupt research and development. After the bombs fell, the ordinance just sat around in hidden caches and arsenals. We pay top caps for any and all war materiel.”

Grammar/Typo: Should be a comma between "Equestria" and "on".

[ordinance] > [ordnance]

I counted out two groups of twenty five caps each and handed them to Glory and P-21.

Grammar: [twenty five] > [twenty-five]

“Be careful then. You may not realize it –she may not realize it- but she’s trouble.”

Grammar: Different symbols are used for the parenthetical text between the dashes, and the spacing is incorrect. To fix, copy the dash character from the left and paste it over the one on the right, adding spaces as indicated:

[“Be careful then. You may not realize it – she may not realize it – but she’s trouble.”]

“Encrypted?” I nodded and she closed her blue eyes, nodding her head back and forth a little before she concluded, “Ten thousand caps.”

Prose: Repetition. Consider revising to:

[“Encrypted?” I nodded and she closed her blue eyes, swaying her head back and forth a little before she concluded, “Ten thousand caps.”]

A five digit number.

Grammar: [five digit] > [five-digit]

“So any suggestions on a way to get ten thousand caps?”

Grammar: Should have a comma between "So" and "any".

Actually, P-21 reading them would be a safer bet…. P-21... I looked back at the yellow mare.

Grammar: Ellipsis has four periods instead of the standard three.

“One last question. My friend was injured a few days ago. It’s really hurting him and he’s going to need some substantial healing. More than just a standing healing potion.”

Prose: This word usage is a little bit confusing. Is this supposed to be "standing" as in "stagnant", or is it supposed to read as "standard" instead?

I unbelted my barding and let the blue and yellow padded armor be lifted from me. Beneath it my white hide was a roadmap of bruises, yellow discolorations, angry red lines, and half healed strips of medical bandages.

Grammar: Triple-space before "Beneath". Also, "half healed" should be hyphenated as "half-healed".

Not that I was too embarrassed about that; clothing in 99 was a matter of duty and I’d been fine trotting around off duty with my mark just hanging out.

Grammar: [off duty] > [off-duty]

“Well, she was the greatest heroine of the pegasi during the war… but… well…” she looked at me sadly, “When the bombs fell, she wanted us to go down to the surface and help.”

Grammar: Since this passage describes an action, it should be capitalized and terminated with a period, as follows:

[“Well, she was the greatest heroine of the pegasi during the war… but… well…” She looked at me sadly. “When the bombs fell, she wanted us to go down to the surface and help.”]

I could tell I had a long way to go on this whole making friends thing.

Prose: Might want to enclose "making friends" in single scare quotes, as follows:

[I could tell I had a long way to go on this whole 'making friends' thing.]

So P-21. Have you seen their little bulletin board? I’m pretty sure if we can knock out some jobs, sell any salvage we don’t need, and get lucky then we might be able to get that ten thousand caps pretty quick.”

Grammar: Needs a comma after "So".

I pulled out a couple the slips of paper and slid them to him. “I was hoping you could help me pick?”

Grammar: [the] > [of]

“Okay… kill so and so… no. No. No.” he looked at one oddly, arching a brow, “Okay… kill and defile… No. Defile and kill? Ugh. What is wrong with these ponies?”

Grammar: Since the tag describes an action, it should be capitalized and punctuated like this:

[“Okay… kill so and so… no. No. No.” He looked at one oddly, arching a brow. “Okay… kill and defile… No. Defile and kill? Ugh. What is wrong with these ponies?”]

S.A.T.S. had finally failed me too. The targeting and time manipulation spell might have slowed things down, but it didn’t stop time. By the time it finished two of the radscorpions were dead, but the remainder had put new holes in my forelegs with their razor-sharp pincers.

Grammar: Should be a comma after "me" and "finished".

If I could just keep them off me this could be easy; they didn’t seem to realize the shotgun was the real threat, not me.

Grammar: Should be a comma between "me" and "this.

Eating was this thing’s forte, and I pulled the stem right before it disappeared into radscorpion’s mouth.

Grammar: [into radscorpion's] > [into the radscorpion's]

“No!” I bellowed as I ejected the drum, and slammed in a fresh one.

Grammar: Comma should be deleted.

The slugs tore into the meaty appendage with a spray of sour yellow flesh and greenish black ichor.

Grammar: Should be hyphenated as "greenish-black".

Its claws weren’t quite agile enough to simply pluck me off so instead it swept the claws back and forth over its back to knock me loose.

Prose: Perhaps the term "dextrous" should be used instead. Then again, perhaps not. Upon searching through a compilation of the entire fic, I found zero results for "dextrous", "dexterous" or "dexterity". It could very well be on a list of words that are not to be used under any circumstances. I would imagine that most ponies aren't quite familiar with the concept, seeing as they're all thumbs. Or all hooves, I should say.

I locked in a blast that caught the radscorpion at the base of the pincer and took it completely off. When it finally flipped over on its back to scrape me off, I kicked free and rolled in the loose gravel, screaming as I rose to my hooves and charged the monster.

Grammar: Triple-space between words in bold.

“No offence, but I really am starting to dislike the surface.”

Typo: Should use the American spelling:

[offence] > [offense]

“Yeah, sure. I’m just a little light headed; hope it’s just blood loss. I’ll be fine,” she said as she took a seat.

Grammar: "Light headed" can also be hyphenated as "light-headed", or form a compound as "lightheaded". I'm leaning towards the one with the hyphen.

I took the time to sift through with my telekinesis and was rewarded with an assortment of ammunition; two energy cartridges, a hoof sized energy drum called a ‘micromagic cell’, and a workable bolt action rifle.

Grammar: Both of the terms highlighted in bold should be hyphenated.

“I could synthesize an antidote. One poison gland… one healing potion… but I’d need lab equipment….

Grammar: Ellipsis has four periods.

“Development, yeah.” he said as he followed my look.

Grammar: Period at the end of the sentence should be replaced with a comma.

“Let’s go.” I said as I loaded a fresh drum into my shotgun. Morning Glory needed a lab, and I would find one. We weren’t going to lose another pony on my watch.

Grammar: Same deal. Needs comma instead of period.

“I want that gun,” I shouted, my buckshot peppering the head of a sentry pony as I advanced on a grand unofficial tour of the premises.

Prose: This wording is a little awkward. You might consider replacing "advanced" with "embarked".

The way it is now, the reader sees "advanced on" and thinks "okay, she's heading towards something", and then they get "tour". It takes too long to parse her intended meaning.

Levitating the mine into my gear, I moved through this hallway with more care, finding two more mines hidden under debris. The two were so close together I detonated them with a shot just to move faster.

Grammar: Triple-space between words in bold.

Using my telekinesis to hold her in place I ran up the steps as fast as I dared.

Grammar: Needs comma after "place".

Passing through a door we found ourselves surrounded by lab equipment… and spent shells.

Grammar: Needs comma after "door".

“That’s the stuff you need, right Glory. Glory?” I gave her a telekinetic slap. “Glory!”

Grammar: This looks like a question, and should probably end in a question mark. However, I like it how the three different forms of punctuation highlight Glory's name three different ways. You be the judge.

She stirred and looked around in a daze, muttering softly, “No. I don’t want to do this anymore.” Her pupils were unfocused as she stared around, “No more weapons. Please…”

Grammar: This action beat should end with a period instead of a comma.

This was NOT the time to bring this up with me.

Prose: All-caps emphasis should probably be replaced with italics.

“I…” He looked over at her and then sighed, “I wasn’t going to let her die. I just… why do you trust her? You trust everypony. Watcher. Bottlecap. Even the Crusaders. Morning Glory. You even trust me when I’ve told you that I want to shoot you.”

Grammar/Prose: Again, needs period instead of comma. Also, that last line should probably be revised as follows:

[“I wasn’t going to let her die. I just… why do you trust her? You trust everypony. Watcher. Bottlecap. The Crusaders. You even trust me when I’ve told you that I want to shoot you.”]

The reasoning is simple. Morning Glory is included in "why do you trust her?", so he's essentially asking why Blackjack trusts Morning Glory twice. Also, in that example, "Even the Crusaders" was shortened to "The Crusaders", because if you remove "Morning Glory", then P-21 also says "even" when referring to himself in the very next sentence.

An orange shotgun shell, on the other hoof, exploded on contact like it were a grenade!

Grammar: [like it were a grenade] > [like a grenade]

Perhaps not so large, but still impressive!

Prose: What's not so large, Blackjack? Consider revising to:

[Perhaps not as large of a blast radius as the thrown variety, but still impressive!]

Then a minute later the damn thing powered back up again and I had to disable it the old fashioned way: with buckshot.

Grammar: Should be hyphenated as "old-fashioned".

I put it in my duffelbag.

Typo: [duffelbag] > [duffel bag]

I might not know the first thing about construction, but there were some walls with three inches of armored plate squeezed inside a foot of reinforced concrete.

Prose: Should be past tense, as in "I might not have known the first thing about construction".

So when I walked to the hole in the wall, I could only stare through the glassy hole that passed through the armored office and the exterior wall of the room beyond that.

Prose: Repetition. Consider revising "glassy hole" to "glassy tunnel".

Apparently, it was some sort of ‘cook book’, though it had some pretty odd articles like ‘Plastic explosives and you’ and ‘How did Pinkie Pie foil the Prance bombing? Three theories.’

Grammar: Was the title "To Serve Ponies", by any chance?

[cook book] > [cookbook]

I’d give my left leg for somepony without a dark and troubled past.

Prose: Which left leg? Fore or hind? Presumably "left foreleg", since that one's particularly valuable to most PipBuck users. Then again, I kinda like how she leaves it up in the air. "Foreleg" increases the number of syllables and sort of interrupts the rhythm of the sentence, too. Decisions, decisions.

“So you couldn’t just quit?” Gee… looks like stable 99 wasn’t so unique after all.

Grammar: Stable's not capitalized?

Oh, wait. I see Icy already caught this one. Which means this file I'm working from is now outdated. Rats.

“I could, but… It would have been complicated.”

Grammar: "It" should be lowercase, since it looks like it's part of the same sentence.

I gave a crooked smile. “You know, some day I’d really love to hear about life in the Enclave. Compare notes and all that?”

Grammar: Can form a word compound.

[some day] > [someday]

She covered her face in her hooves.

Prose: Should probably be revised as either:

[She covered her face with her hooves.]

OR

[She held her face in her hooves.]

It loaded from a breech like a break action shotgun, but clearly it’d been engineered for precision.

Grammar: Should be hyphenated as "break-action".

Well, worse came to worse I could hit someone with it.

Prose: I've seen this idiom rendered numerous ways: "worse came to worse", "worse came to worst", "worst came to worst". I've always tended towards the last of those three. Honestly, I didn't expect this particular form to be the most popular one. How odd.

Just an observation; no changes are necessary.

I have become death, destroyer of worlds. Creepy.

Prose: The actual quote is "I am become death, destroyer of worlds". No, that is not a grammatical error.

“I’m on attempt sixty-one,” he replied with an soft sigh, returning his gaze to the terminal.

Grammar: [an] > [a]

After a moment, he suddenly he brightened a bit.

Grammar: Delete the word in bold.

I was destined to work with the greatest forces known to ponykind, not to make… bullets.

Grammar: Double-space between "to" and "ponykind".

I foiled her interrogation spells and sent her mind-digging lackies on a tour of the Trottingham countryside.

Typo: [lackies] > [lackeys]

Wait? How’d you open that? I didn’t see a lock or a seam or anything!”

Grammar: This doesn't look like much of a question, so it technically shouldn't have a question mark. Might consider revising as follows:

[“Wait, how’d you open that? I didn’t see a lock or a seam or anything!”]

OR

[“Wait. How’d you open that? I didn’t see a lock or a seam or anything!”]

“Well, that’s anticlimatic,” I muttered as I looked at the orange velvet-lined space, showing it to him.

Typo: [anticlimatic] > [anticlimactic]

My PipBuck clicked ominously, and I closed to door once again.

Grammar: [to] > [the]

I looked at the musty poster that read, ‘Ironshod Firearms: How do you like them apples?’ and chuckled at the joke.

Grammar: Is that comma after "read" necessary? Hmm, perhaps. Also, there's an extra line break after this paragraph that needs removing.

“Well, probably the Ministry of Wartime Technology, ultimately.” I looked at her blankly, and she back with unease. “The Ministry of Wartime technology. One of the six Ministires that ran all of Equestria?”

Prose/Typo: That action beat has some really bizarre wording. I know it appears intentionally truncated, but the meaning is not immediately clear. Though it's optional, consider revising:

[I stared at her blankly, and she returned the look with an expression of unease.]

In the second dialogue passage, "technology" should be capitalized.

Also:

[Ministires] > [Ministries]

Glory sighed. “Well... in a nutshell... the Ministries ran the war effort. There were six of them, and the the Ministry of Wartime Technology was in charge of Equestria’s private companies, particularly the defense contractors. The Ministry Mare of the M.W.T., the pony who ran it, was Applejack,” Glory supplied as she peered into the guts of the machine.

Grammar: [the the] > [the]

Also, this paragraph is not indented like the others.

Carefully, she deactivated the power and started to remove some internal components with care.

Prose: Repetition. Consider revising to:

[Carefully, she deactivated the power and started to remove some internal components.]

OR

[She deactivated the power and started to remove some internal components with care.]

All the ministries were involved here.

Grammar: Should ministries be capitalized in all circumstances, or no?

Still, according to the official records, Hoofington was almost like a country in and on to itself.

Grammar: Congratulations, Morning Glory. You completely butchered that idiom. Revise as follows:

[Still, according to the official records, Hoofington was almost like a country unto itself.]

OR

[Still, according to the official records, Hoofington was almost like a country in and of itself.]

Footnote: Level up.

New perk: Shotgun Surgeon- When using shotguns, regardless of the type of ammunition used, you ignore an additional 10 points of a target’s damage threshold.

Prose: Revise as follows:

[Footnote: Level Up.

New Perk: Shotgun Surgeon – When using shotguns, regardless of the type of ammunition used, you ignore an additional 10 points of a target’s damage threshold.]

* * * * * * *

In one scene, Blackjack describes what are undoubtedly flechettes as "nails", but I decided not to call it out; to the uninformed (which Blackjack certainly qualifies as), they may as well be nails. In reality, nails make piss-poor flechettes. When fired from a homebrew shotshell load, they start tumbling almost immediately after leaving the barrel. Zero penetration. Even honest-to-god flechettes with stabilizing fins fired out of a shotgun have questionable ballistic properties.

I was actually quite pleasantly surprised that their performance was depicted realistically in this, with them bouncing off the armored sentry bots. Too many authors out there think that flechettes "GO THROUGH ANYTHING, LOL", so this one exception stands out. Good work, Somber.

* * * * * * *

Love this chapter. First visit to Megamart, and Blackjack gets her grubby hooves on Folly, too.

Goddammit, I hate Radscorpions. I hate getting up on rocks just out of their reach and seeing them scurry out of sight before I can put lead into them.

So, in the Ironshod Firearms R&D building, there's a locked door with something radioactive behind it. Later on, they take a quick peek and then chicken out. Wouldn't it have been hilarious if all of Goldenblood's dirty little secrets were stashed on a terminal deeper in that room, and they never bothered to look? Think of all the places Blackjack's been where she skipped over shit that might've proven crucial if only she'd investigated a little bit more thoroughly. Eh, probably nothing worth growing a taint-induced supernumerary appendage over.

Trottenheimer appears to mention two OIA directors in his logs, which appear to have been written sometime shortly before the war's cataclysmic end. One's Goldenblood. The other is referred to as "the director", presumably Mr. Horse, taking over for Goldenblood after the latter was ousted from his position. In one of the later chapters, Sanguine is seen talking to a mysterious "Director" in one of Deus's memory orbs, if I recall correctly. Could Mr. Horse still be around and involved with Cognitum somehow? Or was Cognitum simply posing as Horse to Sanguine, like it tried tricking Blackjack with the holographic apparition of Goldenblood in Flash Industries? I might be misremembering some details, because this story is just so long, but I think that plot thread is still quite open-ended. Some speculated that either Horse or Goldenblood survived to the present day, but it was probably Cognitum's doing.

Also, this chapter contains the first reference to the titular Project Horizons, initialized as "P.H.". AFAIK, nobody really knows what Project Horizons actually does. Is it a gigantic beam weapon in Shadowbolt Tower that could blow up the moon? Does the Core somehow bring down the moon and make it crash into the EOS? Does the Core lift off into space and crash into the moon, taking the EOS with it? Any of those three possibilities would be a world-ending catastrophe. Somehow, I get the impression that Goldenblood did all this wheeling and dealing specifically to get rid of the EOS by some roundabout means, which he perceived as the true threat to Equestria, or something of the like.

Can't blow it up on the surface. It would destroy the planet. Can't blow it up on the moon, 'cause that would cause an enormous meteor shower and also destroy the planet. But perhaps... if you could sacrifice a few million souls to it to power it, and then harness its own power to generate an extremely powerful free-standing spell shield to temporarily contain and absorb the reaction from destroying it... oh shit. Those ponies that died in the Core when the bombs fell. That was intentional. That was part of Goldenblood's project. That son of a bitch. Or was it sabotage? Maybe the doing of Zebra agents, or those mysterious black-ops teams that might be linked to the OIA?

What sort of monster could do such a thing?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Meleagridis on Mon Jun 03, 2013 2:07 pm

O. Hinds wrote:
Oh, you did know that there were more spotted mistakes in Icy Shake's second spoiler, yes?

No I did not. Whoopsie-ding, that's what I get for not opening editing tabs.

Train Dodger wrote:
Spoiler:

Can't blow it up on the surface. It would destroy the planet. Can't blow it up on the moon, 'cause that would cause an enormous meteor shower and also destroy the planet. But perhaps... if you could sacrifice a few million souls to it to power it, and then harness its own power to generate an extremely powerful free-standing spell shield to temporarily contain and absorb the reaction from destroying it... oh shit. Those ponies that died in the Core when the bombs fell. That was intentional. That was part of Goldenblood's project. That son of a bitch. Or was it sabotage? Maybe the doing of Zebra agents, or those mysterious black-ops teams that might be linked to the OIA?

What sort of monster could do such a thing?

Didn't the bigwig at Flash Industries make a shield powered by things trying to break the shield? And wasn't the OIA taking interest in that meeting?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by O. Hinds on Mon Jun 03, 2013 7:35 pm

Train Dodger wrote:OCD Powers, Activate!

Chapter 1:
Mares might occasionally force another mare against her will, a class A crime, but for a buck to do that to a mare was… focus Blackjack!

Grammar: Double-space after ellipsis; should be single-space.

Footnote: Level up.

New Perk: Rapid Reload - All your weapon reloads are 25% faster than normal.

I just noticed that all of these level up footnotes are formatted differently. Some have exclamation marks after level up. Some have a period after it. Some have no period after it. Some separate the perk's name and description with a hyphen, while others use a colon. Some don't capitalize the perk name correctly. Some say "New Perk". Others say "Perk", or "Perk Added".

The majority of them should probably follow a more standard format, similar to the original FoE's:

Footnote: Level Up.

Skill Note: [Skill] (xx)

New Perk: [Perk Name] – [Perk Description].

Quest Perk: [Perk Name] – [Perk Description].

Accordingly, this chapter's footnote should be formatted as follows:

[Footnote: Level Up.

New Perk: Rapid Reload All your weapon reloads are 25% faster than normal.]

Chapter 2:
Footnote: Level up

Perk: Telekinetic precision: You’ve got a steady horn on your head for when you need to count sand, thread a needle, or keep a pin in a grenade.

Prose: "Level up" has no period after it and isn't capitalized in the standard format. Precision isn't capitalized either, and there's a colon instead of a dash between it and the description. Footnote should be revised to:

[Footnote: Level Up.

New Perk: Telekinetic Precision – You’ve got a steady horn on your head for when you need to count sand, thread a needle, or keep a pin in a grenade.]

Chapter 3:
Footnote: Level up.

Skill note: Guns (50)

Perk Added: Run and gun. Better accuracy with ranged weapons while moving.

Quest perk added: Minor Mutation: Rad Sight - When under the effects of minor radiation poisoning, gain +1 perception in low light conditions. -15 to sneak, speech when not wearing sunglasses, authority glasses, or mirrored sunglasses

Prose: "Run and gun" isn't capitalized correctly, there's a double-space between "gain" and "+1", "perception" isn't capitalized, and "low light" isn't hyphenated. Also, there's no period after "sunglasses" at the end of the quest perk description.

Again, footnote should read:

[Footnote: Level Up.

Skill Note: Guns (50)

New Perk: Run and Gun – Better accuracy with ranged weapons while moving.

Quest Perk: Minor Mutation: Rad Sight When under the effects of minor radiation poisoning, gain +1 Perception in low-light conditions. -15 to sneak, speech when not wearing sunglasses, authority glasses, or mirrored sunglasses.]

Chapter 4:
There was some irony in that the raiders were based out of a donut shop along the road from Withers; if I hadn’t made that detour, we’d be facing much stiffer resistance. A faded brown unicorn held a ring and the chipped lettering read ‘Pony Joe’s’.

Grammar: Quadruple-space between words in bold.



Footnote: Level up.

New Perk: Friend of the Night - Your eyes adapt quickly to low-light situations.

Prose: Same deal. Capitalize level up as "Level Up.", and replace the hyphen with a dash, as in "–". Example:

[Footnote: Level Up.

New Perk: Friend of the Night Your eyes adapt quickly to low-light situations.]

In Chapter 5, Security goes shopping:

Chapter 5:
Bright neon lights flickered in the rainy gray weather: ‘Megamart’, they said, and beneath that in bright red paint was ‘Finders Keepers’.

Grammar: Double-space between words in bold.

They moved in small clumps, keeping wary eye as they looked around.

Grammar: [keeping wary eye] > [keeping a wary eye]

Two well dressed fillies were escorted by a dozen body guards as they chattered on about ‘slumming’.

Grammar: Should be hyphenated as "well-dressed".

“Hoofington had more military bases around it than any city in Equestria on account of the enemy constantly attempting to disrupt research and development. After the bombs fell, the ordinance just sat around in hidden caches and arsenals. We pay top caps for any and all war materiel.”

Grammar/Typo: Should be a comma between "Equestria" and "on".

[ordinance] > [ordnance]

I counted out two groups of twenty five caps each and handed them to Glory and P-21.

Grammar: [twenty five] > [twenty-five]

“Be careful then. You may not realize it –she may not realize it- but she’s trouble.”

Grammar: Different symbols are used for the parenthetical text between the dashes, and the spacing is incorrect. To fix, copy the dash character from the left and paste it over the one on the right, adding spaces as indicated:

[“Be careful then. You may not realize it – she may not realize it – but she’s trouble.”]

“Encrypted?” I nodded and she closed her blue eyes, nodding her head back and forth a little before she concluded, “Ten thousand caps.”

Prose: Repetition. Consider revising to:

[“Encrypted?” I nodded and she closed her blue eyes, swaying her head back and forth a little before she concluded, “Ten thousand caps.”]

A five digit number.

Grammar: [five digit] > [five-digit]

“So any suggestions on a way to get ten thousand caps?”

Grammar: Should have a comma between "So" and "any".

Actually, P-21 reading them would be a safer bet…. P-21... I looked back at the yellow mare.

Grammar: Ellipsis has four periods instead of the standard three.

“One last question. My friend was injured a few days ago. It’s really hurting him and he’s going to need some substantial healing. More than just a standing healing potion.”

Prose: This word usage is a little bit confusing. Is this supposed to be "standing" as in "stagnant", or is it supposed to read as "standard" instead?

I unbelted my barding and let the blue and yellow padded armor be lifted from me. Beneath it my white hide was a roadmap of bruises, yellow discolorations, angry red lines, and half healed strips of medical bandages.

Grammar: Triple-space before "Beneath". Also, "half healed" should be hyphenated as "half-healed".

Not that I was too embarrassed about that; clothing in 99 was a matter of duty and I’d been fine trotting around off duty with my mark just hanging out.

Grammar: [off duty] > [off-duty]

“Well, she was the greatest heroine of the pegasi during the war… but… well…” she looked at me sadly, “When the bombs fell, she wanted us to go down to the surface and help.”

Grammar: Since this passage describes an action, it should be capitalized and terminated with a period, as follows:

[“Well, she was the greatest heroine of the pegasi during the war… but… well…” She looked at me sadly. “When the bombs fell, she wanted us to go down to the surface and help.”]

I could tell I had a long way to go on this whole making friends thing.

Prose: Might want to enclose "making friends" in single scare quotes, as follows:

[I could tell I had a long way to go on this whole 'making friends' thing.]

So P-21. Have you seen their little bulletin board? I’m pretty sure if we can knock out some jobs, sell any salvage we don’t need, and get lucky then we might be able to get that ten thousand caps pretty quick.”

Grammar: Needs a comma after "So".

I pulled out a couple the slips of paper and slid them to him. “I was hoping you could help me pick?”

Grammar: [the] > [of]

“Okay… kill so and so… no. No. No.” he looked at one oddly, arching a brow, “Okay… kill and defile… No. Defile and kill? Ugh. What is wrong with these ponies?”

Grammar: Since the tag describes an action, it should be capitalized and punctuated like this:

[“Okay… kill so and so… no. No. No.” He looked at one oddly, arching a brow. “Okay… kill and defile… No. Defile and kill? Ugh. What is wrong with these ponies?”]

S.A.T.S. had finally failed me too. The targeting and time manipulation spell might have slowed things down, but it didn’t stop time. By the time it finished two of the radscorpions were dead, but the remainder had put new holes in my forelegs with their razor-sharp pincers.

Grammar: Should be a comma after "me" and "finished".

If I could just keep them off me this could be easy; they didn’t seem to realize the shotgun was the real threat, not me.

Grammar: Should be a comma between "me" and "this.

Eating was this thing’s forte, and I pulled the stem right before it disappeared into radscorpion’s mouth.

Grammar: [into radscorpion's] > [into the radscorpion's]

“No!” I bellowed as I ejected the drum, and slammed in a fresh one.

Grammar: Comma should be deleted.

The slugs tore into the meaty appendage with a spray of sour yellow flesh and greenish black ichor.

Grammar: Should be hyphenated as "greenish-black".

Its claws weren’t quite agile enough to simply pluck me off so instead it swept the claws back and forth over its back to knock me loose.

Prose: Perhaps the term "dextrous" should be used instead. Then again, perhaps not. Upon searching through a compilation of the entire fic, I found zero results for "dextrous", "dexterous" or "dexterity". It could very well be on a list of words that are not to be used under any circumstances. I would imagine that most ponies aren't quite familiar with the concept, seeing as they're all thumbs. Or all hooves, I should say.

I locked in a blast that caught the radscorpion at the base of the pincer and took it completely off. When it finally flipped over on its back to scrape me off, I kicked free and rolled in the loose gravel, screaming as I rose to my hooves and charged the monster.

Grammar: Triple-space between words in bold.

“No offence, but I really am starting to dislike the surface.”

Typo: Should use the American spelling:

[offence] > [offense]

“Yeah, sure. I’m just a little light headed; hope it’s just blood loss. I’ll be fine,” she said as she took a seat.

Grammar: "Light headed" can also be hyphenated as "light-headed", or form a compound as "lightheaded". I'm leaning towards the one with the hyphen.

I took the time to sift through with my telekinesis and was rewarded with an assortment of ammunition; two energy cartridges, a hoof sized energy drum called a ‘micromagic cell’, and a workable bolt action rifle.

Grammar: Both of the terms highlighted in bold should be hyphenated.

“I could synthesize an antidote. One poison gland… one healing potion… but I’d need lab equipment….

Grammar: Ellipsis has four periods.

“Development, yeah.” he said as he followed my look.

Grammar: Period at the end of the sentence should be replaced with a comma.

“Let’s go.” I said as I loaded a fresh drum into my shotgun. Morning Glory needed a lab, and I would find one. We weren’t going to lose another pony on my watch.

Grammar: Same deal. Needs comma instead of period.

“I want that gun,” I shouted, my buckshot peppering the head of a sentry pony as I advanced on a grand unofficial tour of the premises.

Prose: This wording is a little awkward. You might consider replacing "advanced" with "embarked".

The way it is now, the reader sees "advanced on" and thinks "okay, she's heading towards something", and then they get "tour". It takes too long to parse her intended meaning.

Levitating the mine into my gear, I moved through this hallway with more care, finding two more mines hidden under debris. The two were so close together I detonated them with a shot just to move faster.

Grammar: Triple-space between words in bold.

Using my telekinesis to hold her in place I ran up the steps as fast as I dared.

Grammar: Needs comma after "place".

Passing through a door we found ourselves surrounded by lab equipment… and spent shells.

Grammar: Needs comma after "door".

“That’s the stuff you need, right Glory. Glory?” I gave her a telekinetic slap. “Glory!”

Grammar: This looks like a question, and should probably end in a question mark. However, I like it how the three different forms of punctuation highlight Glory's name three different ways. You be the judge.

She stirred and looked around in a daze, muttering softly, “No. I don’t want to do this anymore.” Her pupils were unfocused as she stared around, “No more weapons. Please…”

Grammar: This action beat should end with a period instead of a comma.

This was NOT the time to bring this up with me.

Prose: All-caps emphasis should probably be replaced with italics.

“I…” He looked over at her and then sighed, “I wasn’t going to let her die. I just… why do you trust her? You trust everypony. Watcher. Bottlecap. Even the Crusaders. Morning Glory. You even trust me when I’ve told you that I want to shoot you.”

Grammar/Prose: Again, needs period instead of comma. Also, that last line should probably be revised as follows:

[“I wasn’t going to let her die. I just… why do you trust her? You trust everypony. Watcher. Bottlecap. The Crusaders. You even trust me when I’ve told you that I want to shoot you.”]

The reasoning is simple. Morning Glory is included in "why do you trust her?", so he's essentially asking why Blackjack trusts Morning Glory twice. Also, in that example, "Even the Crusaders" was shortened to "The Crusaders", because if you remove "Morning Glory", then P-21 also says "even" when referring to himself in the very next sentence.

An orange shotgun shell, on the other hoof, exploded on contact like it were a grenade!

Grammar: [like it were a grenade] > [like a grenade]

Perhaps not so large, but still impressive!

Prose: What's not so large, Blackjack? Consider revising to:

[Perhaps not as large of a blast radius as the thrown variety, but still impressive!]

Then a minute later the damn thing powered back up again and I had to disable it the old fashioned way: with buckshot.

Grammar: Should be hyphenated as "old-fashioned".

I put it in my duffelbag.

Typo: [duffelbag] > [duffel bag]

I might not know the first thing about construction, but there were some walls with three inches of armored plate squeezed inside a foot of reinforced concrete.

Prose: Should be past tense, as in "I might not have known the first thing about construction".

So when I walked to the hole in the wall, I could only stare through the glassy hole that passed through the armored office and the exterior wall of the room beyond that.

Prose: Repetition. Consider revising "glassy hole" to "glassy tunnel".

Apparently, it was some sort of ‘cook book’, though it had some pretty odd articles like ‘Plastic explosives and you’ and ‘How did Pinkie Pie foil the Prance bombing? Three theories.’

Grammar: Was the title "To Serve Ponies", by any chance?

[cook book] > [cookbook]

I’d give my left leg for somepony without a dark and troubled past.

Prose: Which left leg? Fore or hind? Presumably "left foreleg", since that one's particularly valuable to most PipBuck users. Then again, I kinda like how she leaves it up in the air. "Foreleg" increases the number of syllables and sort of interrupts the rhythm of the sentence, too. Decisions, decisions.

“So you couldn’t just quit?” Gee… looks like stable 99 wasn’t so unique after all.

Grammar: Stable's not capitalized?

Oh, wait. I see Icy already caught this one. Which means this file I'm working from is now outdated. Rats.

“I could, but… It would have been complicated.”

Grammar: "It" should be lowercase, since it looks like it's part of the same sentence.

I gave a crooked smile. “You know, some day I’d really love to hear about life in the Enclave. Compare notes and all that?”

Grammar: Can form a word compound.

[some day] > [someday]

She covered her face in her hooves.

Prose: Should probably be revised as either:

[She covered her face with her hooves.]

OR

[She held her face in her hooves.]

It loaded from a breech like a break action shotgun, but clearly it’d been engineered for precision.

Grammar: Should be hyphenated as "break-action".

Well, worse came to worse I could hit someone with it.

Prose: I've seen this idiom rendered numerous ways: "worse came to worse", "worse came to worst", "worst came to worst". I've always tended towards the last of those three. Honestly, I didn't expect this particular form to be the most popular one. How odd.

Just an observation; no changes are necessary.

I have become death, destroyer of worlds. Creepy.

Prose: The actual quote is "I am become death, destroyer of worlds". No, that is not a grammatical error.

“I’m on attempt sixty-one,” he replied with an soft sigh, returning his gaze to the terminal.

Grammar: [an] > [a]

After a moment, he suddenly he brightened a bit.

Grammar: Delete the word in bold.

I was destined to work with the greatest forces known to ponykind, not to make… bullets.

Grammar: Double-space between "to" and "ponykind".

I foiled her interrogation spells and sent her mind-digging lackies on a tour of the Trottingham countryside.

Typo: [lackies] > [lackeys]

Wait? How’d you open that? I didn’t see a lock or a seam or anything!”

Grammar: This doesn't look like much of a question, so it technically shouldn't have a question mark. Might consider revising as follows:

[“Wait, how’d you open that? I didn’t see a lock or a seam or anything!”]

OR

[“Wait. How’d you open that? I didn’t see a lock or a seam or anything!”]

“Well, that’s anticlimatic,” I muttered as I looked at the orange velvet-lined space, showing it to him.

Typo: [anticlimatic] > [anticlimactic]

My PipBuck clicked ominously, and I closed to door once again.

Grammar: [to] > [the]

I looked at the musty poster that read, ‘Ironshod Firearms: How do you like them apples?’ and chuckled at the joke.

Grammar: Is that comma after "read" necessary? Hmm, perhaps. Also, there's an extra line break after this paragraph that needs removing.

“Well, probably the Ministry of Wartime Technology, ultimately.” I looked at her blankly, and she back with unease. “The Ministry of Wartime technology. One of the six Ministires that ran all of Equestria?”

Prose/Typo: That action beat has some really bizarre wording. I know it appears intentionally truncated, but the meaning is not immediately clear. Though it's optional, consider revising:

[I stared at her blankly, and she returned the look with an expression of unease.]

In the second dialogue passage, "technology" should be capitalized.

Also:

[Ministires] > [Ministries]

Glory sighed. “Well... in a nutshell... the Ministries ran the war effort. There were six of them, and the the Ministry of Wartime Technology was in charge of Equestria’s private companies, particularly the defense contractors. The Ministry Mare of the M.W.T., the pony who ran it, was Applejack,” Glory supplied as she peered into the guts of the machine.

Grammar: [the the] > [the]

Also, this paragraph is not indented like the others.

Carefully, she deactivated the power and started to remove some internal components with care.

Prose: Repetition. Consider revising to:

[Carefully, she deactivated the power and started to remove some internal components.]

OR

[She deactivated the power and started to remove some internal components with care.]

All the ministries were involved here.

Grammar: Should ministries be capitalized in all circumstances, or no?

Still, according to the official records, Hoofington was almost like a country in and on to itself.

Grammar: Congratulations, Morning Glory. You completely butchered that idiom. Revise as follows:

[Still, according to the official records, Hoofington was almost like a country unto itself.]

OR

[Still, according to the official records, Hoofington was almost like a country in and of itself.]

Footnote: Level up.

New perk: Shotgun Surgeon- When using shotguns, regardless of the type of ammunition used, you ignore an additional 10 points of a target’s damage threshold.

Prose: Revise as follows:

[Footnote: Level Up.

New Perk: Shotgun Surgeon – When using shotguns, regardless of the type of ammunition used, you ignore an additional 10 points of a target’s damage threshold.]

* * * * * * *

In one scene, Blackjack describes what are undoubtedly flechettes as "nails", but I decided not to call it out; to the uninformed (which Blackjack certainly qualifies as), they may as well be nails. In reality, nails make piss-poor flechettes. When fired from a homebrew shotshell load, they start tumbling almost immediately after leaving the barrel. Zero penetration. Even honest-to-god flechettes with stabilizing fins fired out of a shotgun have questionable ballistic properties.

I was actually quite pleasantly surprised that their performance was depicted realistically in this, with them bouncing off the armored sentry bots. Too many authors out there think that flechettes "GO THROUGH ANYTHING, LOL", so this one exception stands out. Good work, Somber.

* * * * * * *

Love this chapter. First visit to Megamart, and Blackjack gets her grubby hooves on Folly, too.

Goddammit, I hate Radscorpions. I hate getting up on rocks just out of their reach and seeing them scurry out of sight before I can put lead into them.

So, in the Ironshod Firearms R&D building, there's a locked door with something radioactive behind it. Later on, they take a quick peek and then chicken out. Wouldn't it have been hilarious if all of Goldenblood's dirty little secrets were stashed on a terminal deeper in that room, and they never bothered to look? Think of all the places Blackjack's been where she skipped over shit that might've proven crucial if only she'd investigated a little bit more thoroughly. Eh, probably nothing worth growing a taint-induced supernumerary appendage over.

Trottenheimer appears to mention two OIA directors in his logs, which appear to have been written sometime shortly before the war's cataclysmic end. One's Goldenblood. The other is referred to as "the director", presumably Mr. Horse, taking over for Goldenblood after the latter was ousted from his position. In one of the later chapters, Sanguine is seen talking to a mysterious "Director" in one of Deus's memory orbs, if I recall correctly. Could Mr. Horse still be around and involved with Cognitum somehow? Or was Cognitum simply posing as Horse to Sanguine, like it tried tricking Blackjack with the holographic apparition of Goldenblood in Flash Industries? I might be misremembering some details, because this story is just so long, but I think that plot thread is still quite open-ended. Some speculated that either Horse or Goldenblood survived to the present day, but it was probably Cognitum's doing.

Also, this chapter contains the first reference to the titular Project Horizons, initialized as "P.H.". AFAIK, nobody really knows what Project Horizons actually does. Is it a gigantic beam weapon in Shadowbolt Tower that could blow up the moon? Does the Core somehow bring down the moon and make it crash into the EOS? Does the Core lift off into space and crash into the moon, taking the EOS with it? Any of those three possibilities would be a world-ending catastrophe. Somehow, I get the impression that Goldenblood did all this wheeling and dealing specifically to get rid of the EOS by some roundabout means, which he perceived as the true threat to Equestria, or something of the like.

Can't blow it up on the surface. It would destroy the planet. Can't blow it up on the moon, 'cause that would cause an enormous meteor shower and also destroy the planet. But perhaps... if you could sacrifice a few million souls to it to power it, and then harness its own power to generate an extremely powerful free-standing spell shield to temporarily contain and absorb the reaction from destroying it... oh shit. Those ponies that died in the Core when the bombs fell. That was intentional. That was part of Goldenblood's project. That son of a bitch. Or was it sabotage? Maybe the doing of Zebra agents, or those mysterious black-ops teams that might be linked to the OIA?

What sort of monster could do such a thing?
Ah, thank you very much.

Train Dodger wrote:Also, that last line should probably be revised as follows:

[“I wasn’t going to let her die. I just… why do you trust her? You trust everypony. Watcher. Bottlecap. The Crusaders. You even trust me when I’ve told you that I want to shoot you.”]

The reasoning is simple. Morning Glory is included in "why do you trust her?", so he's essentially asking why Blackjack trusts Morning Glory twice. Also, in that example, "Even the Crusaders" was shortened to "The Crusaders", because if you remove "Morning Glory", then P-21 also says "even" when referring to himself in the very next sentence.
I disagree here. I read it as the second one being part of "You trust everypony." Sorry.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by cb5 on Tue Jun 04, 2013 9:20 pm

*lurk lurk lurk lurk
"Eh might as well join the discussion"
O. Hinds wrote:
tylertoon2 wrote:So uh. Any news on progress? Haven't heard anything from Somber is quite a while.
In this thread on the thirtieth of May:
Somber wrote:Hee. Now you know what it's like...

In other news, no luck on the job front. Sick as a dog too, again. I dunno why but everytime I get a bug it hits me like a truck. Right now my skull feels pressurized. Fortunately Sindri donated some money so I could go to the doctor and get some antibiotics before it sets up shop in my lungs.

As far as 56 is concerned... ugh... its a mess. This whole year has been a mess! I wanted the Society to be one chapter and now it's turning into three! It's Hightower all over again. Sigh... I just need the school year over so I can focus on other things...
I know how Somber feels. It sucks trying to find a job right now cause everyone is coming out of school or college looking for jobs and not enough to go around :\
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Overthepacific on Wed Jun 05, 2013 3:50 am

Somber wrote: I wanted the Society to be one chapter and now it's turning into three! It's Hightower all over again.

Called it.

At least now I know what to expect from it.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Overlong Analysis Cobalt on Wed Jun 05, 2013 12:21 pm

Overthepacific wrote:
Somber wrote: I wanted the Society to be one chapter and now it's turning into three! It's Hightower all over again.

Called it.

At least now I know what to expect from it.
Game of Thrones style politiking is my guess.
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Overlong Analysis Cobalt
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by cb5 on Wed Jun 05, 2013 12:28 pm

Overlong Analysis Cobalt wrote:
Overthepacific wrote:
Somber wrote: I wanted the Society to be one chapter and now it's turning into three! It's Hightower all over again.

Called it.

At least now I know what to expect from it.
Game of Thrones style politiking is my guess.
Let me guess the moral of the new chapters is going to be, "Don't play game of thrones with a cyborg reaper?"
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

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