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[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Vergil on Thu Mar 28, 2013 5:17 pm

Damn you budget cuuuuuuuuuuts!
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Admiral Stoic Rum on Thu Mar 28, 2013 7:18 pm

oh my it's like being a writer for a television show with you somber. On to the next job then.

also the magic world concept sounds interesting. was it a roleplay?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by SilentCarto on Fri Mar 29, 2013 12:26 am

Derpmind wrote:Funny thing is, I read the first book of the series and basically though it as exactly that: a formulaic book that was obviously setting itself up for a series. I've been hearing about the Dresden Files for years, though I've never looked into it or watched the TV series, so when I visited the bookstore (instead of the library for once) I picked it up. And while there was good (and funny) stuff in there overall it didn't interest me. I suspect that I might have missed something.
You probably didn't miss anything per se, it's just that he, like Terry Pratchett, took some time to establish his style, so the first couple of books are not his best work. Notably, Susan gets shuffled out of the story pretty quickly as she never quite worked in the role she was intended for.

You can and probably should skip the first two books, start with Grave Peril, then go back and read the first two after you're hooked. Grave Peril is really where the metaplot starts to kick in, and it explains itself clearly enough that you wouldn't be lost.
Plus, Michael Carpenter. Twilight Sparkle

Somber wrote:I read the Dresden series for a while, but for some reason I also lost interest. I think it's because it feels like Harry is always going to pull some something out of his bum and win in the end. It's sort of like stories with Drizzt. He's not going to die. Period. Or if he does, it's not going to be a real death. Because if he did die then there would be an end to the series. And often, it doesn't feel like he pays for his power. I mean, I love the Character of John Constantine. Even when he wins, he's still fucked.
Well, I don't know how far you got, but while he does have the typical plot armor of any long-running series, Dresden definitely picks up lasting injuries -- both in terms of physical and mental trauma, and in an ever-increasing debt to other powers. The price of power really forms one of the deepest themes in the series.

But, hey, maybe you just don't like his style. It's not everbody's bottle of awesome micro-brewed beer.

Somber wrote:In other news, I found out I am going to be unemployed in June. Yay...
Aw, man... good luck finding a new position!
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by jacky2734 on Fri Mar 29, 2013 3:58 am

Anybody have the current word count on Project Horizons?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by AGurdel on Fri Mar 29, 2013 5:32 am

wc output:

Code:

    483  22565  132111 FoEPHch1a.docx.txt
    731  12239  70373 FoEPHch2.docx.txt
    530    8240  48831 FoEPHch3.docx.txt
    626  10681  63191 FoEPHch4.docx.txt
    620  10467  62860 FoEPHch5.docx.txt
    765  11587  69941 FoEPHch6.docx.txt
    628  10211  60283 FoEPHch7.docx.txt
    803  12266  73402 FoEPHch8.docx.txt
    683  12326  72368 FoEPHch9.docx.txt
    745  11891  70213 FoEPHch10.docx.txt
    737  12624  75826 FoEPHch11.docx.txt
    667  11790  68723 FoEPHch12.docx.txt
    724  12041  71753 FoePHch13.docx.txt
    886  14068  80676 FoEPHch14.docx.txt
  1212  17708  103286 FoEPHch15.docx.txt
    880  14230  81131 FoEPHch16.docx.txt
  1796  24116  142010 FoEPHch17.docx.txt
  1146  16718  96366 FoEPHch18.docx.txt
  1646  24295  142324 FoEPHch19.docx.txt
  1656  21892  128434 FoEPHch20.docx.txt
  1890  27378  158730 FoEPHch21.docx.txt
    674  21619  124705 FoEPHch22.docx.txt
  1550  20462  120307 FoEPHch23.docx.txt
  1518  19330  114511 FoEPHch24.docx.txt
  1553  21523  125025 FoEPHch25.docx.txt
  1886  26203  154826 FoEPHch26.docx.txt
  1031  30547  177196 FoEPHch27.docx.txt
    529  24204  141061 FoEPHch28.docx.txt
    573  24832  144637 FoEPHch29.docx.txt
    537  23571  140703 FoEPHch30.docx.txt
    494  23345  138294 FoEPHch31.docx.txt
    456  20016  119512 FoEPHch32.docx.txt
    652  21745  130980 FoePHch33.docx.txt
    436  19894  117462 FoEPHch34.docx.txt
    499  20215  118272 FoEPHch35.docx.txt
    548  20950  122878 FoEPHch36.docx.txt
    447  19239  114265 FoEPHch37.docx.txt
    481  26185  149959 FoEPHch38.docx.txt
    574  24800  145291 FoEPHch39.docx.txt
    428  17474  101080 FoEPHch40.docx.txt
    469  20623  119009 FoEPHch41.docx.txt
    583  30073  170611 FoEPHch42.docx.txt
    606  28477  163839 FoEPHch43.docx.txt
    518  28890  164641 FoEPHch44.docx.txt
    541  26912  155332 FoEPHch45.docx.txt
    528  24601  144643 FoEPHch46.docx.txt
    544  25560  148248 FoEPHch47.docx.txt
    541  27452  157725 FoEPHch48.docx.txt
    572  28232  162815 FoePHch49.docx.txt
    539  25259  143913 FoEPHch50.docx.txt
    566  27359  158277 FoEPHch51.docx.txt
    470  23254  133301 FoEPHch52.docx.txt
    510  22717  133347 FoePHch53c.txt
    596  26336  153646 FoEPHch54.txt
  42303 1111232 6483143 total
This code tag does a fine job of killing wc's output formatting.
Should be approximately 1.11 million words.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by O. Hinds on Fri Mar 29, 2013 10:42 am

AGurdel wrote:
wc output:

Code:

    483  22565  132111 FoEPHch1a.docx.txt
    731  12239  70373 FoEPHch2.docx.txt
    530    8240  48831 FoEPHch3.docx.txt
    626  10681  63191 FoEPHch4.docx.txt
    620  10467  62860 FoEPHch5.docx.txt
    765  11587  69941 FoEPHch6.docx.txt
    628  10211  60283 FoEPHch7.docx.txt
    803  12266  73402 FoEPHch8.docx.txt
    683  12326  72368 FoEPHch9.docx.txt
    745  11891  70213 FoEPHch10.docx.txt
    737  12624  75826 FoEPHch11.docx.txt
    667  11790  68723 FoEPHch12.docx.txt
    724  12041  71753 FoePHch13.docx.txt
    886  14068  80676 FoEPHch14.docx.txt
  1212  17708  103286 FoEPHch15.docx.txt
    880  14230  81131 FoEPHch16.docx.txt
  1796  24116  142010 FoEPHch17.docx.txt
  1146  16718  96366 FoEPHch18.docx.txt
  1646  24295  142324 FoEPHch19.docx.txt
  1656  21892  128434 FoEPHch20.docx.txt
  1890  27378  158730 FoEPHch21.docx.txt
    674  21619  124705 FoEPHch22.docx.txt
  1550  20462  120307 FoEPHch23.docx.txt
  1518  19330  114511 FoEPHch24.docx.txt
  1553  21523  125025 FoEPHch25.docx.txt
  1886  26203  154826 FoEPHch26.docx.txt
  1031  30547  177196 FoEPHch27.docx.txt
    529  24204  141061 FoEPHch28.docx.txt
    573  24832  144637 FoEPHch29.docx.txt
    537  23571  140703 FoEPHch30.docx.txt
    494  23345  138294 FoEPHch31.docx.txt
    456  20016  119512 FoEPHch32.docx.txt
    652  21745  130980 FoePHch33.docx.txt
    436  19894  117462 FoEPHch34.docx.txt
    499  20215  118272 FoEPHch35.docx.txt
    548  20950  122878 FoEPHch36.docx.txt
    447  19239  114265 FoEPHch37.docx.txt
    481  26185  149959 FoEPHch38.docx.txt
    574  24800  145291 FoEPHch39.docx.txt
    428  17474  101080 FoEPHch40.docx.txt
    469  20623  119009 FoEPHch41.docx.txt
    583  30073  170611 FoEPHch42.docx.txt
    606  28477  163839 FoEPHch43.docx.txt
    518  28890  164641 FoEPHch44.docx.txt
    541  26912  155332 FoEPHch45.docx.txt
    528  24601  144643 FoEPHch46.docx.txt
    544  25560  148248 FoEPHch47.docx.txt
    541  27452  157725 FoEPHch48.docx.txt
    572  28232  162815 FoePHch49.docx.txt
    539  25259  143913 FoEPHch50.docx.txt
    566  27359  158277 FoEPHch51.docx.txt
    470  23254  133301 FoEPHch52.docx.txt
    510  22717  133347 FoePHch53c.txt
    596  26336  153646 FoEPHch54.txt
  42303 1111232 6483143 total
This code tag does a fine job of killing wc's output formatting.
Should be approximately 1.11 million words.
Naller is reporting 1091955, though, and I think that that's a bit higher than the true wordcount due to some other stuff being included (assuming that the counting software is working). I'm not sure how to account for the discrepancy, but it's still quite a lot of words.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by AGurdel on Fri Mar 29, 2013 2:30 pm

After stripping every character that's not a letter or whitespace, wc is reporting a word count of 1108654.

Word counts for chaper 42:
wc: 30073
wc (after stripping): 30047
Notepad++: 30596
gedit: 30946
OO-Writer: 30727

The relative difference between OO and wc is greater than the difference between the Naller count and my wc count.

My input files are the text files you can download from google docs and the notes after the footnotes are probably a large portion of the difference. I could run wc against the "Naller document", if you tell me where I can find it.



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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by O. Hinds on Fri Mar 29, 2013 3:13 pm

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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by AGurdel on Fri Mar 29, 2013 4:01 pm

I removed the parts that belong to the index page and get:

wc: 1114494
OpenOffice Writer: 1143081
wordcounter.net: 1146107
wordcountonline.net: 1150687
count(" "): 1089975

I repeated the last one with the whole Nallar document and got 1091787. That's not the reported 1091955, but it's close enough to say, that that count is based on the number of spaces in the document.

I would go with the word count of wc, which after all does nothing except counting lines, words and characters. Those GNU tools are usually quite good.

\edit
Couldn't stop playing with Python...
Code:

>>> nallarfile.count(" ") + nallarfile.count("'")
1091955
By that definition "don't " is two words, but "don’t " is one. If you also count the "’", you get 1125504 "words".
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Somber on Sat Mar 30, 2013 2:52 am

sigh... I am such an idiot... re- re visions to 54 fights.... and adding like 3 pages... ugh....
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Overlong Analysis Cobalt on Sat Mar 30, 2013 3:00 am

Try not to stress out too much over this stuff, Somber; perfectionism never reaches its goal. But I do look forward to reading the revisions. :) Good luck!
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by OneMoreDaySK on Sat Mar 30, 2013 3:00 am

@Somber
Silly Somber, are you contacting and coordinating with your editors for this? Methinks sometimes you might want to save ideas for later chapters, or are trying too hard to revise. Sometimes you just have to let it be. Story I liked, first edition was based on a drunken rant. Then they're doing a rewrite and it lost its charm.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Exodus Hero on Sat Mar 30, 2013 3:48 am

Somber wrote:sigh... I am such an idiot... re- re visions to 54 fights.... and adding like 3 pages... ugh....

Man, I don't get why your re- revising it. Hell, I like the first one, but I'd be a liar if I said I'm not looking forward to reading more pages of the story. Also, stop being so down on yourself man, you're your own worst enemy when you talk down to yourself like that. Cheer up, you are blessed with many friends on this thread. Try and stay happy, even when times are dark. :)
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by O. Hinds on Sat Mar 30, 2013 8:14 pm

Okay, the revision is in! This one is in one large block, so you may find it below for your convenience.
Spoiler:

As smooth as a greased gun slide, he kicked until I lost my grip, then pulled free.  I didn’t stay put and let him simply spin kick me yet again, though, instead backing away and blocking the attack.  Perhaps I could wear him down...
Then I saw that the holes I’d punched in his side were closing before my eyes!  “Oh come on!  You’re ridiculously fast, strong, partially bulletproof, magic resistant, and regenerating?!” I protested, pointing my sword at him.  “How?!”
“You are hardly one to complain about unnatural abilities,” he countered, gesturing with a muddy hoof at my synthetic limbs.  “You profaned your body with metal and machines to gain your strength, violating your very essence,”  He smiled, and Celestia damn me if the bastard didn’t flex his powerful muscles and send half the zebra mares behind the Brood of Coyotl whooping!  
Still, he was giving me an opening and a breather... which was a little baffling, since he was supposed to be finishing me off.  As I rose back to my hooves, he continued, “Whereas I have augmented my body with sanctified alchemy and sorcery that only the zebra possess. The fury of the spirits, the might of dragons. The ferocity of griffons. the power of things... beyond your grasp..”  He posed like a magnificent striped god before his followers.
If he’d been a little more reckless, I’d have thought him a braggart, but he never took his eyes off me and gave me an opening to knock him out.  Either he possessed scary confidence in his abilities, or something was going on here.  “Well... great!  Good to know.  So we’re going to be locked in an eternal struggle here, then?” I countered sarcastically, at the same time thinking frantically to try and figure out what he could be up to.
“No.  Simply until your power reserves are drained,” he replied casually.  “I shall not tire, and my body shall not fail.  Yours, however...” He trailed off as his smile widened.
Crap.  I queried my available power in my EFS... and the moment my attention moved off him, he was on me.  One of his rear legs swung low to the ground in a powerful circle and swept me off my hooves again.  My focus snapped, the blade spinning off into the muck around us.  Not stopping his spin, his outstretched hoof crashed against my descending skull and spun me away into the mud.  I groaned, staying on my back for a second too long as his circling hoof continued around a third time, changing orientation from horizontal to vertical and crashing down on my chest with such force that even my synthetic lungs had the breath blasted from them.
“Pathetic,” he said as I laid there, my chest making disturbing crackles as wheezes as my lungs reinflated.  “It is your destiny to be defeated by me, but I had hoped for something... grander.”  
“We’re going to come ba--” Lacunae began to say in my mind.
“No!”  I shouted, feeling the old, familiar need to win growing within me.  I flushed as the Legate cocked a brow and hissed mentally, “Stick to the plan.  I can handle this preening son of a mule!”
“No?  You have nothing more?”  The Legate tilted his head with the question, then straightened and broadened his smile a bit.  “Oh... are you communicating with your friends?  Some internal radio?”
I spat something that tasted of oil and blood into the mud and glared up at him.  You’re stalling again.  Why the fuck don’t you finish me off?  “Don’t worry about them,” I hissed as I lifted myself back up.  “Worry about me!”  My horn flared as I drew Vigilance, Sacrifice, and Duty in a surge of desperation, firing wildly at him as I charged.
The bullets tore into his striped hide, ripping bloody holes as he crouched before me.  I just needed a few more shots, a few more good hits.  A few more!  He sprang backwards with that disturbing zebra grace, though, and flung a glob of muck directly into my face just as I entered S.A.T.S.  No!  I fired away blindly, blinking and trying to restore my vision.
When it cleared... wait, where’d he go?
“Above you!” shouted Lacunae in my mind as his plunging hoof smashed down between my shoulders, driving me face first into the sludge; my spine let out a crackling of bone and a groaning of metal, and I felt a horrifying moment of my body being consumed by a paralysing numbness from my neck down.  My focus broke, my guns falling out of sight in the muck.  “Enough is enough!  We’re coming--”
“No!” I groaned as the tingling impact-induced anesthesia abated.  The Legate circled me as his unhelmeted followers cheered.  Lancer smiled like it was Hearth’s Warming Eve.  I’d win.  I was a cyberpony killing machine who wasn’t going to be defeated by freaky zebra martial arts.  “I’ll beat him!” I croaked.
“Pitiful,” he said in a voice of disappointment that only my mother was allowed to use, but he just kept circling as I struggled to rise.  “Why are you not greater?  Your destiny is for so much more.  Power.  Destruction.  Yet you wallow in the muck like a sow.  I am half inclined to let you crawl back to your friends until you are a fitting opponent.”
Lancer’s grin disappeared like a popped balloon.  “Father, no!  Finish the Maiden before her friends come and spirit her away!”  Oddly, the Legate wasn’t smiling either.  If anything, he now seemed frustrated.
“If you fear such, my Lancer, be prepared to slay her alicorn when she appears, but you will not interfere with destiny.” the Legate snapped, then fixed me with a calculating glare.  “Where are your friends?  Why do they not come for you?” he murmured; if my ears hadn’t been augmented, I likely would have missed it.
“A good question,” Lacunae snapped in my mind.  “I may have just enough magic to come back myself and help yo--”
“No!  You heard him.  Lancer and a dozen other ponies will kill you the moment you appear!”  I could see Lancer prepared for her arrival.  Surely there’d be others as well, hidden out of sight.  “I’ll beat him... no matter how he breaks me!”  I could take it.  I deserved it...  I deserved this...
“Damn it, Blackjack!  You’re not Psalm!” Lacunae shouted within my mind.
The name struck across my thoughts,  stunning me a moment.  Psalm... I was acting like Psalm?  The Legate just stared through the eye sockets of the dragon, as my eyes met his for a half dozen heartbeats.  Annoyance flashed inside his brilliant, scornful yellow gaze.  Finally, some line had been crossed.  “So be it,” the Legate said.
Like a tempest, he fell upon me.  His body twisted back and forth, a vortex battering against me with a speed and power I could only defend against by lifting my hooves.  I had to win, it was what I did best, but I wanted to lose.  That sick, insidious seed inside me liked this battering, wanted it.  Hightower.  Pinkie Pie.  Chapel.  Fluttershy Medical Center.  Big Macintosh.  The Seahorse.
His grin suddenly widened.  While continuing to rain down blows, he said in a tone of false kindliness, “Do not fear for your friends’ safety.  Those that surrender will be taken back to our base as slaves.  I will take the olive one for my harem as tribu--”
My black, dented limbs snapped up and clenched the Legate’s swinging forehoof between them in a grip so firm it halted his thrashing, whirling barrage.  “No,” was all I said as his eyes widened within that skull, his foreleg trying to jerk itself free.  Then I pulled him forward and rammed my horn into the left socket of that bony encasement.
For the first time In our fight, the Legate truly screamed.  
If I’d possessed Lacunae’s spire, I might have finished him off there and then; as it was, only the vitreous jelly of his eye coated the end of my compact horn.  His own supernatural toughness and speed allowed him to jerk back moments before magic bullets erupted from my horn.  Blood, dark and arterial, spurted from the impact, and the bone itself cracked and crumbled around that wounded socket.  I lacked fingers, so instead I lunged once more and sank my teeth into his neck, and my jaws bit down hard enough that I tasted blood.  For once, it wasn’t mine.  Locked so, my forehooves grabbed his shoulders in a steel embrace. He struggled to pull free, and I twisted to the side, driving him straight into the muck.
I heard Lancer shouting something in Zebra.  Something edged in fear.  He knew.  He’d seen me like this before.
I’d win.  No matter what.
The Legate’s hooves kicked wildly as I began to pummel everything I could that was striped and moving.  He wheezed around the grip I had on his windpipe, trying desperately to free himself. No you don’t. No more fancy zebra kicks.  I hauled him back to me through the mud, using my weight, something his augmented flesh lacked, to keep him shoved beneath me.  I raked his belly with the dull blunt ends of my hooves, forcing them into his flesh as he struggled and finally ripped his throat free from my mouth.
It wasn’t the first flesh I’d eaten.
Rising over him, I slammed my forehooves repeatedly into his body.  The dragonbone helmet saved his head, but with each kick I felt more bones break.  I knew he was striking me as much as I was him, but I simply paid that no mind.  I had to end it now!  My augmented body was burning through its power reserves just as it had at Yellow River.
Then I spotted a starmetal hilt poking out of the muck, beckoning.  My magic reached out and pulled my blade to me.  I smashed him hard, flat on his back beneath me, and my magic raised the sword high.  Let’s see if he could regenerate his head!
Half of my face exploded in pain that cut through my fury and focus as the right half of the world disappeared into a wild blizzard of colors and shapes as shrieking staticy feedback cut through my skull.  I screamed as a red hot dagger of agony plunged itself through my right eye, my body arching back as my hooves clenched over the wound.  The Legate gave a heave beneath me, throwing me off.  Any second now he’d finish me off for good.  I clenched my eye shut as I writhed.
I felt the familiar floating sensation of death surround me, and I finally relaxed.  
Finally... I’d see mother again...
*    *    *
I hovered somewhere dark, still, and silent.  This didn’t feel... familiar.  It was like the darkness of Unity, but empty, save for myself.  Nowhere to go.  Nothing to see.  Simply myself.
“Hello?” I said, my voice thin and small.  Then I spotted someone else, dark and distant.  A white nimbus vaguely outlined her.  “Hey!  Who’s there?” I asked as I ran towards them, then slowed... then came to a stop as I looked at her white mane and black coat and the candle on her flank.  “Who...”
Psalm turned, bringing up Penance.  The sniper rifle pointed at my right eye, and a blinding flash cut through the darkness.  When it faded, the unicorn was gone and I was alone once more.  I trembled, unarmed and unsure.  “I’d really like to wake up now... or move on... or... something!”
A faint lilac gleam appeared in the darkness, highlighting an alicorn.  “Lacunae!”  I shouted as I raced towards her.  She’d get me out of this...
But it wasn’t Lacunae.  Tall, cool, majestic and beautiful in her royal regalia, Princess Luna turned and looked down at me, tiny stars gleaming in her mane.  Her teal eyes held only sadness and pity for me.  “P... Princess Luna?”
Suddenly she reared up, her purple aura becoming a frigid blue corona as her delicate ceremonial yoke became starmetal barding and her tiara a cruel helmet.  Her eyes blazed, fiery and dragon-pupiled.  “You little foal!  Thinking you can be me!” she roared as she reared up before me in the dark, and then she brought her hooves down upon my head.
Again, darkness.  I curled up, trembling.  A distant red glow bloomed, and I watched it tearfully.  This one approached slowly, relentlessly, inevitably.  The red glow grew like a flamer spreading across that vast void around the dark figure.  This time, I turned and ran as fast as my white hooves could carry me.  But though her slow step remained constant, the distance between us closed.  I could hear the crackle and the screaming behind me as the darkness was consumed by the inferno.
“Stay away,” I screamed as I whirled, raising my hooves in horror at the figure.
A white unicorn fused with black steel looked down at me with light flickering in her hard and soulless eyes.  A field of strewn bodies spread out behind her as her black and red mane snapped in an ethereal wind.  So many dead.  Raiders.  Foals.  Stable ponies.  Zebras.  Hellhounds.  Steel Rangers.  An endless field of death punctuated by a rainbow mane, a bloody fedora, a broken purple wing, and an olive filly embracing a mare no longer pristine white.  She pressed a gun to my right eye; I stared down the barrel’s spiralling rifling and into her merciless grin simultaneously.
“Can’t escape the Maiden,” Blackjack said, and my world exploded once more into a white I hoped would never end.
~    ~    ~
“Blackjack?” a mare called from somewhere both close and distant.  “Blackjack!”  One by one, sensations returned.  Cold wet metal on my back. The rumble, accompanied by a faint vibration, of an engine.  Pain throbbing through the right side of my face.  Sadly, this was all distressingly familiar.  
“I got shot, didn’t I?” I muttered, looking up into the wide eyes of Glory.
“Don’t move,” she said in concern as she looked down at me, chewing her bottom lip in worry.
I sighed and remained still.  “What happened with the zebras?”
“We don’t know,” P-21 said as he moved on the opposite side of me from Glory.  “Lacunae started screaming that we had to get back to you immediately.”  The blue stallion looked off in what I could only presume was the direction of the alicorn.  “I’ve never heard her scream before.  I didn’t know she could.”  He looked back down at me soberly.  “We barely saw anything of the fight.  The fog cut us off.  Lacunae was all but jumping in one of those radiation pits trying to get enough magic to get in and blink you out.  We arrived just as the zebras were leaving.”  He looked off in another direction.  “They are gone, though.  I checked.  They’ve moved back to the base.  They left you for dead.”
Me?  The Maiden?  The pony devil of the stars?  “That... doesn’t make sense...” I muttered weakly.
“Zebras...” P-21 said in return with a small shrug.
“I got a head,” Rampage said.  “It’s only got one eye, though.”
“Head?” I muttered, starting to get alarmed.  “Eye?”  I began to raise my head, but then P-21 pushed me back down.
“Don’t move.  Not unless you want to break out your eyepatch again,” the blue pony said as something wet and fleshy thumped heavily onto the metal beside me.  “Lacunae, make sure Scotch and Boo don’t see this, please.”
“What’s going on?” I asked.
“The bullet went into your right eye, Blackjack.  It deflected, and it’s sheer dumb luck that the round exited out under your right ear and not your brain stem,” Glory said in a shaky voice.  “Celestia... I want some more Dash...”
“Got some right here,” Rampage said brightly.  “Chemical confidence in a nice little inhaler.”
P-21 raised a hoof out in the direction of Rampage’s voice and shook his head.
Glory took a shaky breath.  “No... no, he’s right... put it away.  Throw it away.  Take it yourself.  But don’t give it to me.”  She ducked her head out of sight, and I heard some wet noises.
“Does it hurt?  Do you want a memory orb?”  P-21 asked me.
“No... no... right now... no...” I said as I laid there.  I didn’t want to go someplace else.  I’d just got back.
“So... what happened, Blackjack?”  Rampage asked.  “I was getting all kinds of creepy familiar vibes from that bastard.”
“I... was winning.  I think I was winning.  Then someone shot me in the head.” I muttered as I saw Glory’s head moving, her mouth holding a bloody scalpel.  “Three guesses who.”
“Lancer,” P-21 said with a scowl.  Then he sighed, “I don’t care how forgiving you are, Blackjack, next time I see that bastard I’m putting a live grenade in his saddlebag.”
“Guess you got lucky,” Rampage said casually.  “They left you for dead.”
Luck?  No.  Not luck.  Being forced to face the Legate hadn’t been luck.  That fight... him drawing things out... that wasn’t luck.  They wouldn’t have left me till I was certainly a corpse.
“Pull this out, Rampage.”  Glory said as the striped pony moving into view.  She wiggled her forehooves out of sight.  There was a wet, crunchy sort of sucking noise.  “Gently!  It’s an eye, not armor plate.”
“Hey.  I don’t tell you how to stick eyes into skulls.  Don’t tell me how to rip them out,” Rampage replied.  Finally, there was a pop, and she held up a metal and glass orb with a few streamers of meat and wire dangling from the back.  Rampage turned it over in her hoofclaws.  “Woah, freaky.
Glory scowled at the eye and took it from Rampage.  “This is... impossible.”  She started to do something with the eye out of my sight, and I heard an unpleasant metallic scratching sound.
    “What is it?” I asked in worry.
    “I’m not sure.  Give me a second to finish cleaning it off.”  Glory said tersely.
    “So... are you depressed?”  P-21 asked.  “Last time you lost a fight, you didn’t take it so well.”
    I huffed softly.  “I don’t think I lost.  That wasn’t a fight.  The Legate could have slaughtered me if he’d pressed the attack.  But he kept talking and giving me time to recover before beating me down again.  It wasn’t a fight...”  I turned my head enough to glance over at Lacunae, and thought of the Goddess.  “It was a... a show.  A performance.  Something he was putting on because Lancer forced him too.”
    “You mean the Legate spared you?” Rampage asked in confusion.  “Why?”
    I thought and I thought, and the more I thought, the fewer answers I could come up with.  Finally, I sighed.  “I don’t know...”  But it made my mane itchy...
    Glory held up the eye.  It looked no different than my old one to me.  It was even the same color, now that I looked.  “Now, if I’m right, this shouldn’t fit, and we’ll need some time to finesse it in enough for her healing and repair talismans to patch it up.  Do you need more Med-X?” Glory asked as she looked down at me, holding the shiny metal orb carefully between her hooves.
    “You gave me Med-X?” I asked, blinking.
    “Rampage,” Glory said, but I waved her off.
    “No no, I’m not in pain.  I’m just wondering why I need it,” I asked in confusion.
    P-21 coughed and looked away.  “Just stick it in so we don’t have to tell her.  Close your eye, Blackjack.”  I did, and felt the pressure over the right socket.  Contrary to Glory’s prediction, it slid home easily within my head.
    “It’s a perfect fit... it shouldn’t be a perfect fit,” Glory muttered.
    “What?  It’s not like zebra and pony eyes are different sizes,” Rampage drawled.  “I should know.  I’ve gouged out both before.”
    “It’s not just the size.  The muscle anchors. The power connections.  The data ports.  They’re all identical!” Glory said as she did something to the side of my face.
    “So zebras stole the Steelpony technology,” I grumbled.  “That’s not a surprise.”
“This isn’t stolen,” Glory replied flatly as I felt her moving the flesh on the right side of my face.  I guess that scalpel had been working on me before I woke up.  “Even if the design was stolen, they’d be manufactured with different tools and standards in the zebra lands.  Everything, even the barcodes on the back of the eye... they’re identical to yours.”  She looked down at me.  “The Brood of Coyotl aren’t ripping off Project Steelpony.  They’re from Project Steelpony.  And I’m going to check the rest of this head and see if I can find any more parts.”
Right.  And I needed to schedule my broadcaster for a conversation with Professor Zodiac....  
*    *    *
Once my face was put back together again, Glory was cleaning things up, I was chowing down on a third cyberpony cake, and P-21 was keeping an eye out as we sat together atop Deus.  Scotch Tape and Boo had collected my weapons from the battlefield while Rampage scavenged the remaining zebra corpses, leaving me with time to think of my next step.
The only problem was... I wasn’t sure what it should be.  I felt strings attached to me... tugging me this way and that, pulled by unknown manipulators.  I stroked the mane of the Twilight figurine as I pondered.  Did I really have any choice?
 Fate... how seductive it was.  Not my fault... not my responsibility... bad things... good things... you could say it was all fated to be.  Had Twilight been fated to end up trapped in a monstrous Goddess?  Pinkie Pie fated to become a drug-addicted pariah?  Psalm to kill Big Macintosh?  Maybe there was some alternate history where the war never happened.  Where fate was kinder and gentler than it was today?
I looked down into Twilight’s happy, smiling face.  Fate was an easy answer when you looked at the strand of history.  All those little causes and effects leading to now.  Sometimes miraculous... sometimes monstrous...
Was I really the Maiden of the Stars...?
“How are you, Blackjack?” P-21 asked.  “How are you really?”
I sighed and hugged the figurine to my chest.  “Different.  Haven’t been in a fight like that in a while.  Not since...”  Yellow River.  Was that really only  a few weeks ago?  He caught my uncomfortable expression, and I looked at my forehooves.  “Guess what mom said was true.  There’s always a bigger fishy.”
“Huh?” he asked with a cock of his head and an amused, if baffled, smile.
“Nothing.  Just something Mom used to tell me,” I said with a sigh as I stroked Twilight’s mane...  
He sat quietly beside me.  “So... what’s all that ‘Maiden’ stuff?”
“Zebra prophesy,” I said with a shrug.  “I’m supposed to destroy the world.  Just like Luna and Nightmare Moon.”  I glanced over at him.  “P-21, do you believe in fate?”
“I believe in you.  Does that count?” he countered with a half smile.  I gave him a nudge in response, and his smile widened as he looked at Scotch Tape.  “I don’t know.  I don’t think so.  I heard that ponies get cutie marks that tell them their destiny.  But considering mine was openly controlled, it always seemed pretty much bullshit to me.  But then, I’ve never known what my cutie mark was supposed to be...”
“What if your destiny is something... bad?  What if it’s to kill and hurt people?” I asked.
“Then you ignore it,” he said simply.  “Because if you accept what that bastard said about your destiny being ruin and death, then it’d be no different that me accepting the medical mares telling me that my destiny was to be a walking sperm bank who should be dead right now.  We decide our own destiny.”
Did I have any choice?  Was I just following the strings?  Were we all?
I felt I had three different paths in front of me, and whichever one I took was going to decide everything.  I could go after Dawn, the Harbingers, and Cognitum and try to end that threat once and for all.  Or perhaps try and find out a way to stop the Legate and his army from attacking the Hoof and all my friends within it.  Or go to the clouds and try and stop Lighthooves and his biological weapon.
Then I glanced down at my hoof and opened up the panel, looking at my Pipbuck.  For some reason, perhaps fate, perhaps something else, I brought up EC-1101 and stared at it.  Then I accessed its tantalizing routing information.
Next routing location> Shadowbolt Tower.
“Right,” I said as I looked up at the midnight clouds.  “Well then, I guess if I’m going to decide it, I’d better start thinking of some way to get to Shadowbolt Tower.”  At his inquisitive look, I smiled.  “Lighthooves has a biological weapon that can kill countless pegasi.  I need to get up there and stop it... and make sure Thunderhead isn’t destroyed as well.”
He looked at the sky and gave a little laugh.  “Oh, is that all?”  He shook his head.  “I don’t suppose you know somepony with a flying machine, do you?” he asked playfully.
I sat there a moment, looking down at the figurine and thinking, and then my lips curled in a small smile.  “Now that you mention it...”

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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Overlong Analysis Cobalt on Sat Mar 30, 2013 8:27 pm

@Revision
That was a damn fine read.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Ketchup on Sat Mar 30, 2013 10:03 pm

O. Hinds wrote:Okay, the revision is in! This one is in one large block, so you may find it below for your convenience.
Spoiler:

“Pitiful,” he said in a voice of disappointment that only my mother was allowed to use, but he just kept circling as I struggled to rise.  “Why are you not greater?  Your destiny is for so much more.  Power.  Destruction.  Yet you wallow in the muck like a sow.  I am half inclined to let you crawl back to your friends until you are a fitting opponent.”
Lancer’s grin disappeared like a popped balloon.  “Father, no!  Finish the Maiden before her friends come and spirit her away!”  Oddly, the Legate wasn’t smiling either.  If anything, he now seemed frustrated.
“If you fear such, my Lancer, be prepared to slay her alicorn when she appears, but you will not interfere with destiny.” the Legate snapped, then fixed me with a calculating glare.  “Where are your friends?  Why do they not come for you?” he murmured; if my ears hadn’t been augmented, I likely would have missed it.
“A good question,” Lacunae snapped in my mind.  “I may have just enough magic to come back myself and help yo--”
“No!  You heard him.  Lancer and a dozen other ponies will kill you the moment you appear!”  I could see Lancer prepared for her arrival.  Surely there’d be others as well, hidden out of sight.  “I’ll beat him... no matter how he breaks me!”  I could take it.  I deserved it...  I deserved this...
“Damn it, Blackjack!  You’re not Psalm!” Lacunae shouted within my mind.
The name struck across my thoughts,  stunning me a moment.  Psalm... I was acting like Psalm?  The Legate just stared through the eye sockets of the dragon, as my eyes met his for a half dozen heartbeats.  Annoyance flashed inside his brilliant, scornful yellow gaze.  Finally, some line had been crossed.  “So be it,” the Legate said.
Like a tempest, he fell upon me.  His body twisted back and forth, a vortex battering against me with a speed and power I could only defend against by lifting my hooves.  I had to win, it was what I did best, but I wanted to lose.  That sick, insidious seed inside me liked this battering, wanted it.  Hightower.  Pinkie Pie.  Chapel.  Fluttershy Medical Center.  Big Macintosh.  The Seahorse.
I don't think the word 'ponies' is what is supposed to be there.

I like this revision, it was rather fun to read.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by O. Hinds on Sat Mar 30, 2013 10:20 pm

Ketchup wrote:
I don't think the word 'ponies' is what is supposed to be there.

I like this revision, it was rather fun to read.
Ah, thank you.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by swicked on Sat Mar 30, 2013 11:21 pm

@Hinds
Mmk, yeah, I like that.
This gets my seal of approval. Very nice work, Somber.

Of course, given you took my suggestion... in fact, you might have taken a couple... I can hardly imagine NOT liking how this turned out XD

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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Icy Shake on Sat Mar 30, 2013 11:52 pm

Very nice.

Spoiler:
I think that the "fight" was sold better, and I liked the extra plot/mystery elements, and of course the vision was well-done as always.

Some editing:

the power of things...
"The" should be capitalized.

“If you fear such, my Lancer, be prepared to slay her alicorn when she appears, but you will not interfere with destiny.” the Legate snapped, then fixed me with a calculating glare.
"The" should be capitalized.

Glory said as the striped pony moving into view.
"moved," or possibly "was moving".

Oh, and I'm late on this, but Somber, I wish you the best of luck finding work after the school year ends. I'm very sorry to hear that news.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by O. Hinds on Sun Mar 31, 2013 2:20 am

Icy Shake wrote:Very nice.

Spoiler:
I think that the "fight" was sold better, and I liked the extra plot/mystery elements, and of course the vision was well-done as always.

Some editing:

the power of things...
"The" should be capitalized.

“If you fear such, my Lancer, be prepared to slay her alicorn when she appears, but you will not interfere with destiny.” the Legate snapped, then fixed me with a calculating glare.
"The" should be capitalized.

Glory said as the striped pony moving into view.
"moved," or possibly "was moving".

Oh, and I'm late on this, but Somber, I wish you the best of luck finding work after the school year ends. I'm very sorry to hear that news.
Ah, thank you.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Somber on Sun Mar 31, 2013 2:25 am

54 was an unfortunate mess, particularly with the legate. I also wrote 15p the day we were brushing, which didn't help. I like suggestions were I can actually do something about them.

Huge hugs to the editorial team though. They put in time even for tweaking a chapter.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by OneMoreDaySK on Sun Mar 31, 2013 2:39 am

@Revision
More realistic fight there, but and we don't get to figure out what happened with Lancer, unless we get to use the old revisions as basis for what happened. So I guess it will hold if Lancer reappears with one eye.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by FeatherDust on Sun Mar 31, 2013 1:54 pm

SilentCarto wrote:
O. Hinds wrote:No need to disregard them, I think; we've got two practically-immortals (possibly three, if this other universe gets Twilicorn) in charge of things.
You're assuming Twilicorn is in fact immortal. I'm not sure that's the case. Cadence appears to have aged at a normal rate from teen to adult and had no apparent misgivings about marrying Shining.
Twilicorn is just non-canon for FOE. That was the first event in the show that simply can't be explained by any method. There's too much Unicorn!Twilight stuff written already for FOE. That was the point of BJ's musings about the thread of fate; she wonders if there's another universe out there where fate was more kind, which would be the Alicorn!Twilight continuity the show is following.

Second: Twilicorn is almost certainly immortal*, at least in terms of author intent -- Faust said she originally intended Twilight to ultimately become Celestia's successor, which she obviously couldn't be if her life were shorter than Celly's. Things have changed a bit since then in the writing process, but I think the clear implication is that Twilight is the same sort of being that C&L are.

* Or possibly quasi-immortal, with a lifespan measured in millennia; it may be that this is why Celestia needed a replacement; she's coming to the end of her vast but finite lifespan.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Kippershy on Sun Mar 31, 2013 3:23 pm

With regards from 4chan about the latest revision:



Sorry, but that last revision? I haven't read it first hand, but I read the overview from someone else and... I don't even know what to think any more.
I'll not speak any more on this, don't worry, but yeah.
Really finding it hard to understand why all that needed to be put in.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Overlong Analysis Cobalt on Sun Mar 31, 2013 4:04 pm

It just goes to show, you can't please everyone and shouldn't try. And when it's a choice between pleasing people who are reading your story 'cos they like it and 4Chan (who also happen to be reading it to hate it), the choice is clear.
Spike
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by SilentCarto on Sun Mar 31, 2013 4:36 pm

O. Hinds wrote:Okay, the revision is in! This one is in one large block, so you may find it below for your convenience.
Thanks!
Ch. 54 Re-revisions:

“Pathetic,” he said as I laid there, my chest making disturbing crackles as wheezes as my lungs reinflated.
That's both awesome and really creepy.

Then I pulled him forward and rammed my horn into the left socket of that bony encasement.
Ooooh, nasty.

I screamed as a red hot dagger of agony plunged itself through my right eye...
Oh, shit. Karma didn't wait long. I hope her systems can repair that...

“The bullet went into your right eye, Blackjack. It deflected, and it’s sheer dumb luck that the round exited out under your right ear and not your brain stem,” Glory said in a shaky voice.
I wonder if the insides of her ocular cavities are armored. It'd make a certain amount of sense to direct any damage through a blowout panel under the ear rather than let it continue into the non-reparable parts inside the brainbox... assuming this version does have a brainbox, like Deus did...

“The Brood of Coyotl aren’t ripping off Project Steelpony. They’re from Project Steelpony. And I’m going to check the rest of this head and see if I can find any more parts.”
Eeeenteresting...

P-21 was keeping an eye out as we sat together atop Deus.
Heh heh heh. Spike
Edits:

If he’d been a little more reckless, I’d have thought him a braggart, but he never took his eyes off me and gave me an opening to knock him out.
In my opinion, that "and" doesn't scan very well on the first pass. You might switch it around to, "but he never gave me an opening to knock him out by taking his eyes off me".

Not stopping his spin, his outstretched hoof crashed against my descending skull and spun me away into the mud.
Should probably be "Without stopping his spin..."

I groaned, staying on my back for a second too long as his circling hoof continued around a third time...
I'd go with "I groaned and stayed on my back a second too long. His circling hoof continued around a third time..."

“Pathetic,” he said as I laid there, my chest making disturbing crackles as wheezes as my lungs reinflated.
Crackles and wheezes.

I had to win, it was what I did best, but I wanted to lose.
The commas should be dashes. "I had to win -- it was what I did best -- but I wanted to lose."

I will take the olive one for my harem as tribu--
Might be overstepping my bounds here, but this sounds a little, well, creepy-in-a-bad-way. If I may suggest, "The filly will make a fine addition to my harem in a few ye--"

I lacked fingers, so instead I lunged once more and sank my teeth into his neck, and my jaws bit down hard enough that I tasted blood.
I'd make "my jaws bit down hard enough that I tasted blood" a separate sentence.

He wheezed around the grip I had on his windpipe, trying desperately to free himself. No you don’t. No more fancy zebra kicks.
The latter two sentences should be italicized as her thoughts.

Half of my face exploded in pain that cut through my fury and focus as the right half of the world disappeared into a wild blizzard of colors and shapes as shrieking staticy feedback cut through my skull.
There shouldn't be two "as" conjunctions here. Either "Half my face exploded in pain that cut through my fury and focus and the right half the world disappeared..." or "...cut through my fury and focus. The right half of the world disappeared..." In either case, comma after "shrieking", and "staticky" has a K in it.

“Hey! Who’s there?” I asked as I ran towards them...
Shouldn't this be 'called' or 'shouted' rather than 'asked'?

...then came to a stop as I looked at her white mane and black coat and the candle on her flank.
'Saw' or 'noticed' would sound better than 'looked at'.

A white unicorn fused with black steel looked down at me with light flickering in her hard and soulless eyes.
I'd change that to "hard, soulless" since both are describing the same quality of her eyes.

Cold wet metal on my back.
Cold, wet

I stroked the mane of the Twilight figurine as I pondered. Did I really have any choice?
[...]
“Nothing. Just something Mom used to tell me,” I said with a sigh as I stroked Twilight’s mane...
Might want to nix one of these mane-stroking scenes. Just sayin'. And that second one should end in a period, not an ellipsis.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Valikdu on Sun Mar 31, 2013 4:39 pm

Kippershy wrote:With regards from 4chan
We don't need to hear this crap.
More importantly, Somber doesn't need to hear this crap.

Stop dragging crap from 4chan here.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by SilentCarto on Sun Mar 31, 2013 4:46 pm

Valikdu wrote:
Kippershy wrote:With regards from 4chan
We don't need to hear this crap.
More importantly, Somber doesn't need to hear this crap.

Stop dragging crap from 4chan here.
Hear hear. If you haven't read it, I will personally thank you to shut your mouth about things you know nothing about. I really doubt there's anything in the world that you won't hear sucks from someone on 4chan. I mean, really. If we gave a flying feather what 4chan thought, we would in fact be on 4chan finding out.

Consider my jimmies rustled.


Last edited by SilentCarto on Sun Mar 31, 2013 4:54 pm; edited 2 times in total
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Overthepacific on Sun Mar 31, 2013 4:53 pm

Kippershy wrote:




Lol, I love trailer park boys.

But another revision? Right as I get back too.
Well, I'll get on that then.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by O. Hinds on Sun Mar 31, 2013 5:00 pm

SilentCarto wrote:
O. Hinds wrote:Okay, the revision is in! This one is in one large block, so you may find it below for your convenience.
Thanks!
Ch. 54 Re-revisions:

“Pathetic,” he said as I laid there, my chest making disturbing crackles as wheezes as my lungs reinflated.
That's both awesome and really creepy.

Then I pulled him forward and rammed my horn into the left socket of that bony encasement.
Ooooh, nasty.

I screamed as a red hot dagger of agony plunged itself through my right eye...
Oh, shit. Karma didn't wait long. I hope her systems can repair that...

“The bullet went into your right eye, Blackjack. It deflected, and it’s sheer dumb luck that the round exited out under your right ear and not your brain stem,” Glory said in a shaky voice.
I wonder if the insides of her ocular cavities are armored. It'd make a certain amount of sense to direct any damage through a blowout panel under the ear rather than let it continue into the non-reparable parts inside the brainbox... assuming this version does have a brainbox, like Deus did...

“The Brood of Coyotl aren’t ripping off Project Steelpony. They’re from Project Steelpony. And I’m going to check the rest of this head and see if I can find any more parts.”
Eeeenteresting...

P-21 was keeping an eye out as we sat together atop Deus.
Heh heh heh. Spike
Edits:

If he’d been a little more reckless, I’d have thought him a braggart, but he never took his eyes off me and gave me an opening to knock him out.
In my opinion, that "and" doesn't scan very well on the first pass. You might switch it around to, "but he never gave me an opening to knock him out by taking his eyes off me".

Not stopping his spin, his outstretched hoof crashed against my descending skull and spun me away into the mud.
Should probably be "Without stopping his spin..."

I groaned, staying on my back for a second too long as his circling hoof continued around a third time...
I'd go with "I groaned and stayed on my back a second too long. His circling hoof continued around a third time..."

“Pathetic,” he said as I laid there, my chest making disturbing crackles as wheezes as my lungs reinflated.
Crackles and wheezes.

I had to win, it was what I did best, but I wanted to lose.
The commas should be dashes. "I had to win -- it was what I did best -- but I wanted to lose."

I will take the olive one for my harem as tribu--
Might be overstepping my bounds here, but this sounds a little, well, creepy-in-a-bad-way. If I may suggest, "The filly will make a fine addition to my harem in a few ye--"

I lacked fingers, so instead I lunged once more and sank my teeth into his neck, and my jaws bit down hard enough that I tasted blood.
I'd make "my jaws bit down hard enough that I tasted blood" a separate sentence.

He wheezed around the grip I had on his windpipe, trying desperately to free himself. No you don’t. No more fancy zebra kicks.
The latter two sentences should be italicized as her thoughts.

Half of my face exploded in pain that cut through my fury and focus as the right half of the world disappeared into a wild blizzard of colors and shapes as shrieking staticy feedback cut through my skull.
There shouldn't be two "as" conjunctions here. Either "Half my face exploded in pain that cut through my fury and focus and the right half the world disappeared..." or "...cut through my fury and focus. The right half of the world disappeared..." In either case, comma after "shrieking", and "staticky" has a K in it.

“Hey! Who’s there?” I asked as I ran towards them...
Shouldn't this be 'called' or 'shouted' rather than 'asked'?

...then came to a stop as I looked at her white mane and black coat and the candle on her flank.
'Saw' or 'noticed' would sound better than 'looked at'.

A white unicorn fused with black steel looked down at me with light flickering in her hard and soulless eyes.
I'd change that to "hard, soulless" since both are describing the same quality of her eyes.

Cold wet metal on my back.
Cold, wet

I stroked the mane of the Twilight figurine as I pondered. Did I really have any choice?
[...]
“Nothing. Just something Mom used to tell me,” I said with a sigh as I stroked Twilight’s mane...
Might want to nix one of these mane-stroking scenes. Just sayin'. And that second one should end in a period, not an ellipsis.
Ah, thank you as always. There are two things that I've not changed, though:
Spoiler:
"In my opinion, that "and" doesn't scan very well on the first pass. You might switch it around to, "but he never gave me an opening to knock him out by taking his eyes off me"."
Hm… You might have a point, but your replacement doesn't scan very well for me. I can't think of anything better, either… sorry.

"Might be overstepping my bounds here, but this sounds a little, well, creepy-in-a-bad-way. If I may suggest, "The filly will make a fine addition to my harem in a few ye--""
…You may have gathered that Vitiosus is perhaps not quite a paragon of goodness and morality.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

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