Equestrian tyranny (fanfic)

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WalrusM3 wrote:It wasn't my kind of FanFiction, but I decided to stop being fussy for a day and give it a chance it probably deserved, being that I have never read a My little pony: Friendship is Magic and really should get started.

Alright, start off with, I'm back and forth on your dialogue, your good at mimicking the character's dialogue from the show, but some I'm not comfortable with, maybe because it simply doesn't fit.

example: "Are you sure?It's not like we are mail deliverers."

(To note should've placed a space there) Sorry but the way you could've phrased that part could've been better in my opinion, it's not very smooth and out of place.

Overall, could be a neat story, but at the same time, my taste my end up fighting against putting it down my throat due to how fussy I am.

Discord wrote:i havnt quite finshed reading it but a plot idea occured to me.......i see that you have the outer termoil everyone fighting against the six/ possible discord.......but what about inner turmoil........ with the elments no longer being used, thus setting free discord.......now that thats set up.......why not have a conflict with luna since the elements are gone and there the things that changed her......why not have nightmare moon slowly trying to take back control of luna, have scenes where shes visably slipping or having argurments with her self.......all the while showing celestias growing concern for not only the safety of her sister but also the stability of the resitance seeing as one of their leaders is losing it. i as going to make this my own seperate story but im way to busy.........and i don't really enjoy writing mainly because i suck at it.

Diamond Mint wrote:Ok,so I was able to put everything in the first post so now people won't be as confused,but I need to delete those other posts which updated the story...problem is I have no idea how to do that...so...yeah...starting with chapter 3 I will be posting the rest of the story in the first post.

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Charr wrote:Wow tYler there is better uses of your time then this.

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Diamond Mint wrote:Ok,so if you haven't noticed #1,my 3ds erased half my story...I feel like I have just let everyone who was/is/was going to read this fanfic down...and I want to solemnly apologize.XT Vengeance said he printed out the prologue and first 3 chapters earlier so he could edit it so I hope he can type up the 2 chapters and send them to me.This will not stop me from posting the rest of the story but...I just...*sigh*...

Chapter 4:Emergency Meeting

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WalrusM3 wrote:Alright, decided to write some constructive critism this time, being that I have the time and the story is getting better, plus want to keep on helping ya Diamond Mint. So here it comes and be warned, I've became more confident and arrogant in my reviews, mostly because of the help other authors claim I give.
So here it goes, love the build and the character interaction, you've not only made us aware that they're all there, that's something I find hard to do is make it aware that all my characters are there and 6 is a stress for me. You've also managed to well mould all 6 of them, that I can image all 6 manes in the show change into this and I'm sitting with them and actually seeing them. I'm also really interested now to see how Flim and Flam get involved in this.
However, you, like all writers do, have problems. I don't swing because I don't like you, your story or because I think its funny, I do it because writers I pay attention to are worth something and I want to help them become even better writers and the only way to do that is tap on those weak points you have and I might keep repetitively doing this, if you don't sort them. However if you disagree with my opinions and brush them aside, fair enough, but please consider them at the very least.
So let us get started (Cracks fingers), now we discussed this last time, your still using full stops instead of commas (Few examples below) when ever you add a speech tag. Whats more you have a problem I have, you have too many speech tags. I know, you have six characters and want to make sure which ones are talking, but seriously there's few examples below where we know which ones are talking due to a conversation between two of them and such and we do know its this person. Rainbow Dash in particularly as we know she's the one answering questions and informing everyone. Really you're just too much making sure we follow and should trust us more, otherwise you just make us feel dumb and you don't like make us feel dumb do you? No. Here's some notes anyways I took while going through your work. Sorry if they're a bit harsh, I just have weird and probably cruel sense of humour.

then walked in slowly after seeing the danger was clear?. Well unless he walked in slowly because he hoped to get hit by another vase.
"Whatever you say, Rainbow Crash!" said Fluttershy,taking her seat./ I think we know that Fluttershy was the one who said it and you probably could've trust us to know she took her seat instead of telling.
Then she looked at the wall,counting six total advisers, all waiting, like statues/ Could you rephrase this, just doesn't sound right?
Rainbow Crash." said Fluttershy/ If you don't mind me saying, should have a comma, not a full stop.
"Twilight sat and listened intently." We know that Twilight was sitting, unless she got up at some point.
"What are these two doing here!?" asked Applejack angerily. I don't think you needed to mention Applejack said it angerily, considering how you had '!?' how rude it was.

Anyways look forward to reading more, keep on writing.

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