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[GRIMDERP] Fallout Equestria: Stormfront

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[GRIMDERP] Fallout Equestria: Stormfront

Post by Quotidian on Mon Jul 09, 2012 4:01 pm

In the grand tradition of shameless self-promotion and recursive fanfiction, Quotidian proudly presents:

FALLOUT EQUESTRIA: STORMFRONT

-----

"Dirt Cheap"

The squad known throughout the Enclave as a refuge for screw-ups and dissidents, ponies who high command doesn't want to deal with, but can't afford to just "disappear" outright. Instead, they're given the missions no one else wants.

Which is how Drifter, a pegasus sniper with a history of "poor impulse control" and a disregard for the general chain of Enclave command, ends up in the Equestrian Wastes ahead of the Enclave's grand Reclamation effort. Alongside him are a small band of other rejects and misfits, poorly equipped and barely fit for combat duty.

But when their assignment goes horribly wrong, he learns first-hand how unforgiving the wastes can be, and what completing his mission will cost him. Just how far is one outcast willing to go to win his way back into a society he was barely a part of in the first place?


-----

01 : Goodbye Blue Sky
In which our protagonist descends to the surface, makes a new friend, and learns about ghouls.
02 : One Million
In which enemies are made, a mare is met, and leaving ceases to be an option.
03 : (Coming Soon!)
Well, coming eventually. At some point. Maybe. Probably!

-----

(Stormfront started way back in 2011 as an attempt to write something that was less-than-terrible for a change, I stopped writing due to a fun combination of plot problems, personal problems, and pure, unadulterated laziness. But every story deserves a second chance, right?)

(Comments, critiques, and criticism are all welcome and appreciated.)


Last edited by Quotidian on Thu Sep 20, 2012 12:06 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : New chapter!)
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Re: [GRIMDERP] Fallout Equestria: Stormfront

Post by Aonee on Mon Jul 09, 2012 4:03 pm

Oh hey, you're the author of this? Nice, I read the first chapter, and liked it. Pretty good, I would say.
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Re: [GRIMDERP] Fallout Equestria: Stormfront

Post by Mikas on Sat Jul 14, 2012 12:16 am

This was a nice read. Very nice. Haven't run across that many other side stories that I can say that about.

I want to see what you have in store for chapter 2 (and hopefully beyond) before I say anything constructive as much of my criticism stems from a lack of detail and depth (which another chapter will easily provide).

Keep up the good work.

[Hmm having some issues posting this for some reason...]
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Re: [GRIMDERP] Fallout Equestria: Stormfront

Post by Stringtheory on Sat Jul 14, 2012 9:57 am

here have my post from the PH thread:

Spoiler:
wow *slow clap*, that was VERY good, about time someone did a FO:E story from the perspective of an Enclave soldier, very good characterization for the squad, then of course they get killed (I know there's a trope for that somewhere...), you know how to write very well, I'm not sure how to put this, but the vibe I'm getting from it is that it's Project Horizons if Blackjack was mentally stable and was a professional soldier

can't wait to see where this is going especially with Drifter being captured by either slavers or raiders (I'm inclined towards slavers given that they actually sound sane), plus can't wait to see if the Enclave's 'better than thou' attitude will affect Drifter's interactions with the wastelanders, especially now that he's been taken prisoner

and my second post:

Spoiler:
I consider the Enclave to be like the Nazi's, the leadership might be pretty evil, but the ordinary citizens/soldiers are just racist/seem superior because of their upbringing and what they've been told by the leadership, plus it's not helped by the fact they have an actual society, instead of whatever the wasteland is

I see you've fallen into the groove of the two person/pony beginning party, you've got your good at lock-picking and hacking (bonus points if they're good at sneaking as well) one, and the one who's good at shooting, though this could quickly go down to a one person/pony party if sparrow gets killed (which I'm not betting against)

that exposition you gave about 'Dirt Cheap' was interesting, would have been useful to have known that at the beginning, I didn't really get the feeling that they were a squad of screw-ups during the little time we spent with them, guess the members of 'Dirt Cheap' didn't get enough characterization or interaction with other enclave military to really bring that to the front, now I'm wondering why Sparrow got assigned to Dirt Cheap

keep on writing!
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Re: [GRIMDERP] Fallout Equestria: Stormfront

Post by Stringtheory on Sun Aug 19, 2012 12:11 am

made any progress on chapter 2? hate to see such a good story die when it barely got out of the gates
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Re: [GRIMDERP] Fallout Equestria: Stormfront

Post by Quotidian on Mon Aug 20, 2012 11:11 pm

Still trying to get over the notion that people actually like what I write. >_>

I'm actually about... oh, halfway through chapter two. I planned on having it done by now, but life decided to make a called attack to my groin with a super-sledge, if you catch my meaning.

I don't have as much time for writing, but I'll try to have it out by the start of next week. Sorry.
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Re: [GRIMDERP] Fallout Equestria: Stormfront

Post by Stringtheory on Mon Sep 17, 2012 9:52 am

any word on when chapter two will be coming out?
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Re: [GRIMDERP] Fallout Equestria: Stormfront

Post by Quotidian on Thu Sep 20, 2012 12:09 pm

Yep!

Told you I wasn't giving up on this. I just... had some hiccups along the way. This one's also a lot shorter than I thought it would be. That's because originally it had most of the next chapter in it as well. Still, now I have a starting place for chapter number three.
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Re: [GRIMDERP] Fallout Equestria: Stormfront

Post by Stringtheory on Thu Sep 20, 2012 4:58 pm

not a bad chapter, good continuation, wasn't expecting their enslavement to be so...short...
did notice a few errors, think I recall a couple typos
“Well, when we got away from the raiders, we split up like you said."- don't you mean slavers?
it's spelled 'Med-X' not Med-Ex
saw the grounding coming from a mile away
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Re: [GRIMDERP] Fallout Equestria: Stormfront

Post by Quotidian on Thu Sep 20, 2012 7:20 pm

Thanks for pointing out the typos. I really do need to work on my editing and reviewing.

And yeah, incompetent slavers plus pissed of enclave soldier... Well, they might be free for now, at least. But that's all I'm saying.

I'll try to have CH3 out at a reasonable pace this time, too.
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Re: [GRIMDERP] Fallout Equestria: Stormfront

Post by Stringtheory on Thu Sep 20, 2012 10:45 pm

Quotidian wrote:Thanks for pointing out the typos. I really do need to work on my editing and reviewing.

And yeah, incompetent slavers plus pissed of enclave soldier... Well, they might be free for now, at least. But that's all I'm saying.

I'll try to have CH3 out at a reasonable pace this time, too.
well you did hit all the important slaver traits, general assholisium, hurting their slaves, raping their slaves, beatings as punishment etc. I was just expecting it to be more...spread out, with more stuff in between each of these events, but your way was excellent, containing all the 'reasons why we should hate these guys' in one short chapter, well done Dash clapping
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Re: [GRIMDERP] Fallout Equestria: Stormfront

Post by Quotidian on Thu Nov 22, 2012 1:57 am

Well, I guess I lied about that "reasonable pace" thing, but here:



See? It does exist! It's just that between work, school, and trying to keep my brain from imploding, I've had a bitch of a time getting any writing done.
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Re: [GRIMDERP] Fallout Equestria: Stormfront

Post by hawkeye92 on Thu Nov 22, 2012 8:56 pm

I'm reading through it and it's pretty good so far. Just two things quickly spring to mind.

Spoiler:
When they get attacked by ghouls it's a little bit silly that Brick gets swarmed and self destructs. It makes for good reading but when you reasile that they're outside and that she's a pegasus it all breaks down. What was to stop her from hovering ten feet in the air and laying waste to everything? It would work much better if they got into the complex and were attacked, with Brick stopping at a chokepoint to give time for the others to flee- then wings don't come into it.
Other than that, chapter one is good.

The second point is the title. You may or may not be aware, but stormfront is a big, nasty neo-nazi website with the dubious honour of being the world's first internet hate site. It should also be noted that storm fronts are now known as weather fronts and the only other thing to incorporate the term was a game company that shut down four years ago.
Especially given the story is about the Enclave and follows a character who seems fairly morally dubious himself it might give some readers the wrong idea.
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Re: [GRIMDERP] Fallout Equestria: Stormfront

Post by Quotidian on Fri Nov 23, 2012 12:11 am

Oh dear. How did I not draw that connection before?

Ah, well. I hope people won't associate a story about the candy pony post apocalypse with a bunch of skinhead assholes. Dear Readers! I do not endorse the Nazi party! They are bad people with bad ideas!

Hmm... think that'll cover it?

Spoiler:
And your point about Brick's death is well taken. I'm really not the best writer in the world, so part of writing Stormfront is getting feedback so I can get better, so I appreciate it.

In my mind, Brick died because she panicked. She's already been established as not the strongest flyer in Equestria, after getting a face full of rads from a glowing one and having a dozen zombies pile on top of her, she wasn't thinking clearly. Any idea how to make that come through more clearly?
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Re: [GRIMDERP] Fallout Equestria: Stormfront

Post by hawkeye92 on Sat Nov 24, 2012 9:12 pm

The problem you have is that so much goes on in that one chapter there's not a lot for the readers to go by- for example, the only time Brick is shown at not being a great flyer is when she smashes through the roof of the bunker, which could mean any number of things. I got more of a Gung-Ho and slightly reckless attitude from it rather than a lack of flying ability.
All it really needs is a little more description. If I was writing it, it would look something like this (the first and last lines are parts in the existing story):

Spoiler:
There were just too many of them.

Brick started to back off from the charging mass of ghouls, her gatling laser stitching across their front ranks in glittering arcs of destruction but the horde's momentum was barely checked.

“There's way more of these bastards than I thought!” I heard Brick cry over the radio.
She unfurled her wings and, beating them furiously leapt into the air just before the front runners could reach her. Getting airborne from a stationary start is one of the most difficult parts of flying. Brick never was a particularly strong flier and climbed painfully slowly under the weight of her armour and equipment.
The horde surged underneath her, jumping up and snapping with bestial ferocity. One managed to latch it's jaws around one of Brick's legs as she rose and with a curse she came crashing back down to earth. She descended with an almost unstoppable force- the power that drove her through the bunker's roof earlier crushed at least half a dozen ghouls as they broke her fall. She rolled over with a curse, grinding another of the monsters to paste under her bulk in the process.
Brick sprang to her hooves with a snarl, smashing aside a zombie leaping for her face with a swing from one of her power armoured hooves and killing those in front of her in a staccato of laser fire. It was a valiant effort, but the massed horde pressed in on her from all sides and Brick went under in a sea of rotten flesh.

Also with the relationship with Moonsong, how long was it prior to the story? Unless he really is some kind of emotionless monster he probably won't be looking for another relationship for a while and sometime soon when there's a free moment I fully expect him to simply break down and burst into tears and almost lose himself to grief when it finally hits home what's happened.

I have to admit I'm not that much of a writer either. I tried writing a prologue to a fallout story I'm thinking of writing then gave up once I realised I'd gone on a descriptive ramble of someone's journey into a military base covering three pages.
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Re: [GRIMDERP] Fallout Equestria: Stormfront

Post by Stringtheory on Sat Nov 24, 2012 11:28 pm

hawkeye92 wrote:The problem you have is that so much goes on in that one chapter there's not a lot for the readers to go by[...] Also with the relationship with Moonsong, how long was it prior to the story?[...]
I have to agree, it's like you (Quotidian) created these characters then forgot to introduce them to us, you assumed we'd already known all about them, what you could do is make a introduction/prequel chapter describing 'Dirt Cheap's exploits around whatever Enclave military base they're from to expand on their characters and to make their deaths all the more hard-hitting, they'd probably get in trouble/screw up somehow, thereby getting assigned the surface mission



hawkeye92 wrote:I tried writing a prologue to a fallout story I'm thinking of writing then gave up once I realised I'd gone on a descriptive ramble of someone's journey into a military base covering three pages.
what kind of descriptive ramble? did you spend three pages describing only the outside of said military base? did the entire journey only take three pages? how large was said military base? heck I wish I could write three pages of fiction for fun, only time I can is if I have an assignment to do so, so consider yourself lucky
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Re: [GRIMDERP] Fallout Equestria: Stormfront

Post by hawkeye92 on Sun Nov 25, 2012 4:15 pm

Well, it was someone's journey into the heart of a massive airbase buried within a mountain and all the stuff he sees on the way. but I realised it wasn't doing anything for the story at all and even if it is their main base the story I'm writing they wouldn't be there until effectively the very end of a possible sequel (if anyone survives- I'm ambivalent to BAD END). Sure it would be mentioned a lot in passing because most of the characters have been there at periods various for a long time but that level of detail is wholly unnecessary.
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Re: [GRIMDERP] Fallout Equestria: Stormfront

Post by Quotidian on Mon Nov 26, 2012 2:46 pm

Spoiler:
Spoilered because, well, spoilers, but also whiny bullshit.

My original plan was to have "flashback chapters", one for each of the main crew of the story, and several for Drifter. They'd be interspersed through the main story and explain in more detail the history of each character and their personalities. In fact, I have one planned for chapter four.

I do sort of like the idea of a "prequel chapter". Call it chapter zero, have it show them in action, explain why Sparrow got transferred to them, and what happened to their old tech specialist.

Dirt Cheap was intended to play the same role the first set of protagonists did in Death Proof, which you should see if you haven't because yay car chases. They're decoy protagonists, except in this case they're there to give emotional motivation for the real protagonists instead of to make the villain a genuine threat.

What I need to do now is just write the damn thing, but unfortunately, my old friend MDD has crept back into my skull, and it's awful hard to write anything when there's a little voice in the back of your mind telling you you're worthless and everything you make sucks so just kill yourself already. Fortunately, my variety of head-fucked-up-ness is cyclical, so in a week or so I should be able to write again. Hopefully.
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Re: [GRIMDERP] Fallout Equestria: Stormfront

Post by Stringtheory on Mon Jan 21, 2013 12:34 pm

Made any progress? I would like to see more of this story!
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Re: [GRIMDERP] Fallout Equestria: Stormfront

Post by Quotidian on Fri Jan 25, 2013 12:05 pm

Progress has been... slow. Slower than an over-encumbered courier with two crippled legs. I'm just going to call January a mental health month and write it off because damn did my Christmas suck.

I think I'm about ready to start writing again. As soon as I can figure out how to get Drifter and Co. where they need to be. Walking is as boring to write about as it is to read. I'm thinking skipping a few days of travel couldn't hurt.
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Re: [GRIMDERP] Fallout Equestria: Stormfront

Post by Stringtheory on Fri Jan 25, 2013 2:16 pm

Quotidian wrote:Progress has been... slow. Slower than an over-encumbered courier with two crippled legs. I'm just going to call January a mental health month and write it off because damn did my Christmas suck.

I think I'm about ready to start writing again. As soon as I can figure out how to get Drifter and Co. where they need to be. Walking is as boring to write about as it is to read. I'm thinking skipping a few days of travel couldn't hurt.
sorry to hear that, hope things get better!

well, a time-skip is one way to do it, another way could be to intersperse the walking with talking as Drifter doesn't know shit about the wasteland, and we (the readers) could always use more information about the ponies he's found himself with
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