Mass Effect: The Legend of Harvest

Okay, so this is my new fanfic project, and it's a bit bigger than my usual stories.
For those who were reading Living it to the Fullest, I will return to it at some point, but for now I'm having issues staying into it (Stories I'm reading easily effect what genre's I can write in effectively, and Fallout:Equestria is not good for writing a story such as Living it to the Fullest). I apologize to any readers who are upset by this.

So basically this story is a Mass Effect/FiM crossover. I have seen many of these, but for the most part they follow the same story as Mass Effect, but put ponies in place of humans and leave all other aspects of the ME story the same. Mine differs in that all of the races have been 'Equestria-ized' (not ponified, some races are pony-ish, but others resemble other species in Equestria such as griffins or diamond dogs), and I will not strictly follow the ME story. It will still have the overall line of 'stop the reapers', but how that is achieved and the missions the characters go on will differ greatly from those of ME. Many of the characters will be similar to those of ME as well, however a few changes were made in order to fit the story, and to keep it unique.

Right now, I only have part of the first chapter done, but I want to see what initial opinions are. So if any of you have any recommendations, questions, edits, etc please feel free to let me know and be as harsh as you'd like! And as always, ENJOY!

Part I: Chapter 1

Part I: Chapter 2

Part I: Chapter 3

Alright, I've never played Mass effect, don't know why, just haven't. So you've got someone potential here to be drawn into it or your simply risking things. I also like where your going with this like replacing some races with diamond dogs and griffons as I do enjoy merging the My little pony universe with others in this manner.
Anyways I've read the small ounce it and it's good, well-descriptive, good dialogue and sense of atmosphere. However there is a lot of problems- a lot of problems. But I get the feeling it's just that you're inexperienced, most likely you don't get enough people reading your work I'd have to say. I'll just get down to the negative stuff. I don't say it to upset you, offend you or because I hate you, I say it because I know you have the potential to become a better writer and I want to be of help to see you become a really good writer.
Biggest problem, you haven't prepared this for new Mass effect fans, sorry but not everyone (Like me) has watched MLP and Mass effect, so you're restricting your readers, because it they want to read this without distractions, they have to play Mass effect and arguably that's not fair because some people could end up really liking your work and are hence forth missing out. What I want to know is what's a Turian (As in look like) and what's this scenario all about.
Problem below that, although your good at describing things, you don't describe things enough, biggest example is the first scene, where are they! What's going on! Who the heck are they! You really leave our readers, like me in a blank desert. I assume you just didn't like writing this scene and wanted it out of the way, again unfair as we end up feeling how you didn't like writing this scene and end up not liking it either, try to have fun as you write.
Next problem, one I tell everyone. Show v Tell, you swing from not trusting your readers enough, to trying to trust us too much. Tell us what we need to know and leave us to what we can figure out, there are some examples below.
He's some notes I placed down intended to help you and justify my points. You can just brush them aside, but please at least just look at them and consider them. They might not be right, but they're my opinion on how you can make your work better and learn from them.

“He does have promise, I’ll give you that.” / How does he say that? Was he happy, grumpy or what? how do I know he said this and if he was being sarcastic or not.
What's a Turian?
the first time since they began./ Why'd you tell us this.
Ironside retorted defensively, / Cut defensively, retored was enough to know he was sticking up for his ways.
the alien stopped mid-sentence as he turned back to the now complete scenario./ Because of '...' we know he stopped and turned back to that?
flawless scenarios all completed in record time/ What's a scenario?
“I’m still putting forward his name Captain, none of us were perfect when we started,” / A very weak and undramatic counter
I trotted past, / Word you're looking for is pass
as she counted down/ Odd I thought she was trying to say her alphabet?
I turned my head to the side as he turned to walk/ Stop using the word turned, use something like rotated, spun on his heel or rolled his head.
a look of obvious enjoyment spread across her features/ Mind to tell us what those features were?
“Not yet Featherfall, but don’t get too excited,” I told him, / We know you told him, no need to tell us you did.
his hoof to his head with a groan, which I mimicked as well/ So you groaned as well? Must be some kind of special salute?
I cleared my throat before responding,/ Started off this, you don't use comma's before speeches you use them after, other wise full stop and I doubt we needed to know you were the one who responded unless someone else entered the conversation.
I’m pretty sure my jaw was on the floor as I stared between the two. / It was? If it's exaggerating though, I'd use something a bit less strong, like he felt his jaw should've hit the floor otherwise your just giving us a really silly image in our heads.
For the second time in less than five minutes, my jaw hit the floor./ Are you wanting us to honestly believe his jaw hits the floor? Sorry but that just makes this entire scene funny and forget the atmosphere you're trying to get us to feel.
side as the rifle on their back/ This is either 'His back' or 'their backs'
faces were drawn tight in either anger or confusion. / How does he know this, were their faces frowning, twisted or eyes popped out? What?
I could have sworn my jaw broke through the floor and hung into maintenance below. / Are you actaully serious?

Keep on writing.

thank you for the quick response Walrus. Don't worry about hurting my feelings, I have tough skin, and I know you're just trying to help, and I really appreciate that.

Thank you for the edits, I try to do at least some before I post it. I am rather inexperienced as you said, at least in comparison to many writers, so any help I get is wonderful, and I always appreciate it; it helps me improve and all of these things you've pointed out definitely help.

I will work more on my descriptions, I tried to give some, but I always get very nervous when I end up with walls of description, mainly because I'm worried about it distracting the reader from what's going on and cutting away from the story.

Thank you again for the help, and it looks like I have a lot of work to do!

Edit: And yeah...those things about 'jaw hitting the floor' were my awful attempt at humor.

I like it so far.
I'm looking forward to what happens next.
Even though I guess I already know what happens next.

Link updated.
The section that I posted before has been edited, and the chapter itself has been completed. I made sure to keep advice from Walrus and others in mind as I completed the chapter, but I may have still missed a few grammar things and stuff like that.

Enjoy!

Original post updated with what I have so far on Ch2. I will likely not end the chapter there, but I wanted to put up what I have so far to get opinions on it.
I'd also like second opinions on a few aspects:
#1) I think the combat scenes may be a bit clunky or drawn-out. It has been a while since I've written any, so I'd like to see what others think on this.

#2) I want to know if my descriptions pull away from the story too much or interrupt it at all. This has always been a worry of mine when writing, so I would like to make sure that didn't happen.

And please enjoy the chapter.

Right read over it and your writing is getting on a lot better. Your battles are clunkly and need work, but only experience can solve it, nothing I can say really. As for descriptions if anything, you have your moments where you descriptions perfect and other times not enough, like where are they, what sort of planet are they on? Sorry but you can't leave your readers having to assume these things or not caring about it.
Here are some notes I compiled but they are more nitty picky opinions that might help you, but in the same time might not, but hopefully you'll be able to figure it out by looking over it. Either way, here they are.


My eyes narrowed as I continued to search, convinced this must be some kind of ambush./ Heck I thought he may have spotted big foot.
in the direction the blue bolts had come from. / Heck I thought he had gone happy trigger all of a sudden.
The actual device/ Stop using the word device! It's a very sharp word, better using something else occassionally like machine, object or tool.
Starfall said softly, his voice flat and devoid of emotion. / Too many descriptions, just us one of those like devoid of emotion or softly.
from what were likely glancing hits./ Heck I just thought he got the same idea about what it would be like to run through fire?
“Yeah,” Starfall agreed,/ Again this is probably going to confuse you, but agree isn't the same as he said, it's an action, not a speech word, you're better off using a full stop and cutting out agree, mostly due to the fact we knew he agreed.

Thanks again Walrus.
It seems I have a knack for pointing out the obvious, so I'll definitely try to work on that, as well as varying my vocab (Not sure why I seem to get caught up on using one word, but thank you for pointing out when I do it!)

"Who's Malvin?" Featherfall asked us.

I didn't know dead people could ask questions. :P

Seriously though, I just wanted to point that out.

SHITBALLS!!! Thanks Orm XD

Original post updated with new link for completed Ch2. Please provide me with any edits or revisions you would like to provide, opinions on characters or story, and of course enjoy!

Thank you all for reading

I have to say, I thought I knew how this story was going to play out.
But now, I'm interested to see what you're going to do next.

Hokay. I read what you have so far and loved it. There were very few errors if any. PM me if you'd like me to point them out to you. Other than that, the story was...surprising. Like Ormag, I also thought I knew where this was going. Lo and behold I was wrong. Keep up the great work Drevin!

Well, first post has been updated with chapter 3 (2 months after chapter 2 was done...) and though I doubt any interest remains in this story, here it is. As usual, please enjoy and feel free to provide constructive criticism and edits.

I still have interest, and I will read it as soon as I can.