Welcome to Cloudsville. If you're new, don't forget to sign up and say hi in the Introduction forum.

Fallout Equestria: Murky Number Seven

Page 5 of 27 Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 ... 16 ... 27  Next

View previous topic View next topic Go down

Re: Fallout Equestria: Murky Number Seven

Post by RoboRed on Tue Jul 03, 2012 3:23 pm

Well, I finally caught up the other day.

I'm horrible at reviews, but bravo, Fuzzy. Anything that can bring out emotional outbursts from me is good reading. (I started pounding on my chair and shouting "FUCK!" when Shackles and his cronies arrived in ch8, and felt a little depressed the rest of the day, worrying about what would happen to Murky, Sunny, and Glimmer.) This is an awesome fic, and yet another one out there to satiate my taste for grimdark. Twilight Sparkle

------------------
Aonee wrote:
jacky2734 wrote:((Aonee, don't make me invent a way to punch you over the internet.))
((If you do, I will invent a Korean technique to block it with someone else's face. And, construct more pylons.))

CamoBadger wrote:((Wow, zebra incest is powerful shit))

Mister Frost's friend, "Darren" wrote:"I'm scared to break up with her, though. Her dad's an ex-marine; if I make her cry he'll club me over the head with a pillowcase full of doorknobs and Tom Clancy novels."

Sindri wrote:This is a thread for fans of a fanfiction of a fanfiction about murderous miniature pastel equines in a grimdark post-apocalyptic future.
If you wanted to stay anywhere near socially acceptable, you should have taken a left turn about three layers of WTF back.

avatar
RoboRed
Royal Alicorn

Posts : 13859
Brohoof! : 717
Join date : 2012-05-09
Age : 28
Location : Nebraska

Character List:
Name:
Sex:
Species:

Back to top Go down

Re: Fallout Equestria: Murky Number Seven

Post by Fuzzy on Tue Jul 03, 2012 3:27 pm

Thank you, RoboRed! Chapter 8 was a blast to write, so hearing that people really enjoyed it just justifies the time it took!

swicked - Couple other wee things. That chapter 9 was written long before the Protégé
and Murk ship thing turned up, my intent was/is to show that to Protégé,
Murky is a lot more than just a slave. However, it doesn't stop it being absolutely hilarious to read it in that way. xD

The second thing is
chapter numbers, I know I have 12 written on the hub page, but that's
for space thoughts. The story is much longer than that, so don't worry
about the pace toning down for a chapter or two, that will pick up once
again!
avatar
Fuzzy
Unicorn

Posts : 365
Brohoof! : 68
Join date : 2012-06-18
Age : 30
Location : Scotland

Character List:
Name:
Sex:
Species:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NgCmMMuecDRzbX05uIsZN1sN5HdH

Back to top Go down

Re: Fallout Equestria: Murky Number Seven

Post by RoboRed on Tue Jul 03, 2012 4:24 pm

Fuzzy wrote:
The second thing is
chapter numbers, I know I have 12 written on the hub page, but that's
for space thoughts. The story is much longer than that, so don't worry
about the pace toning down for a chapter or two, that will pick up once
again!
Yeah, that's kinda what I figured. It seemed odd that it would just end now so soon (regardless of how long these chapters tend to be).

------------------
Aonee wrote:
jacky2734 wrote:((Aonee, don't make me invent a way to punch you over the internet.))
((If you do, I will invent a Korean technique to block it with someone else's face. And, construct more pylons.))

CamoBadger wrote:((Wow, zebra incest is powerful shit))

Mister Frost's friend, "Darren" wrote:"I'm scared to break up with her, though. Her dad's an ex-marine; if I make her cry he'll club me over the head with a pillowcase full of doorknobs and Tom Clancy novels."

Sindri wrote:This is a thread for fans of a fanfiction of a fanfiction about murderous miniature pastel equines in a grimdark post-apocalyptic future.
If you wanted to stay anywhere near socially acceptable, you should have taken a left turn about three layers of WTF back.

avatar
RoboRed
Royal Alicorn

Posts : 13859
Brohoof! : 717
Join date : 2012-05-09
Age : 28
Location : Nebraska

Character List:
Name:
Sex:
Species:

Back to top Go down

Re: Fallout Equestria: Murky Number Seven

Post by swicked on Tue Jul 03, 2012 5:25 pm

Fuzzy wrote:Absolutely lovely feedback, utterly honest too, which I really get into.

And truth be told, I actually agree with a lot of this, including some of the mor emoronic sentence structure errors, that normally isn't something I make mistakes on but I believe much of it was from some last minute editing I did, hence it may not have had as many re-reads.

Originally, Hive was actually a lot more like Slit, but she had a lot of dialogue changes to keep her from just being "Slit 2.0", as no-pony can really replace her. This may have been where that lack of "difference" came from. She used to have a stammer, t-t-this while speaking until she took the mint-al. In theory it's good, but prereaders found it annoying and it utterly broke her authority on first meeting her.

The wagon fall was really just falling off the earth ramp into the nests, the wagon shattering apart upon landing. That paragraph is a bit over descriptive though (this is a consistent writing element I am trying to address, Murky's artistic flourish on environment description is very deliberate, but this habit seeps into paragraphs it shouldn't be present in sometimes.

The air duct meanwhile, it was too cramped for him to say, turn around and face his head the other way. But he could still twist and roll onto his back to look down over his belly, which was how they reached him.

Murky very much had the idiot ball on the RadAway, but his mental reaction is to crawl off and find somewhere quiet most of the time. The unspoken intent was that he didn't want to look desperate in front of Sooty. This perhaps could have been stated. I sometimes like to test and see how well Murky's personality is judged by now, so it's interestig to guage the reactions.

Really, a big thanks for the feedback. It's stuff like this that makes me think and nod, even if it sometimes makes me bite my lip to have such things pointed out or questioned. Usually it ends with me going and editing up the next chapter to improve it or trying to get better in future ones, which of course is only a good thing!
...not ENTIRELY honest. I put my mood at the front for a reason. They're mostly unedited thoughts as I go along. I felt like being a lot meaner (for my own personal reasons unrelated to the fic), but I tried to hold back a bit to compensate. No need to be abusive when I'm actually enjoying the fic as a whole...

A stammer absolutely relays a sort of submissiveness or shyness, and so wouldn't suit well with her. The addiction she's under would decrease her charisma, though, so I really think she should have been more difficult to understand, relaying slightly jumbled thoughts with a bit of a slur. It would have been funny if she tried to direct Murky at first and he didn't really know what she meant, eliciting a hoof to the head.

That makes a little more sense about the wagon. It's still a little confusing regarding whether the wagon punched through the concrete or something. Plus it's a little odd they'd pour concrete down there. Maybe I was expecting gravel or something else betraying the idea that this was not very well maintained, or at least not much effort was put into setting it up in the first place, which is what the suits implied.

He didn't want to look desperate in front of Sooty? He had just finished plucking some of his own feathers for this Rad-Away. How does this kid have any shame left?

Also, again, could you at all explain what "Sooty Morass" means? Google pegs "morass" as being a swamp, so... a swamp full of soot? It's confusing me. A little explanation of the chapter quote would be nice, too.

swicked
Royal Alicorn

Posts : 6598
Brohoof! : 960
Join date : 2012-05-17

Back to top Go down

Re: Fallout Equestria: Murky Number Seven

Post by Fuzzy on Tue Jul 03, 2012 6:18 pm

Sure, no problem.

Sooty is something of an Irish term or nickname to some people. This pony is heavily based on Moriarty from Fallout 3, who has an Irish accent. Morass is indeed a swamp, but also has a more generalised meaning to indicate "something obtrusive or something that drags your efforts down."

The chapter quote is a line from the phenomenal show, Babylon 5. Spoken by a character called Zathras, it portrays his pretty lonely life as a servant to an old organic machine. The sort of reseigned "oh well, back to the grind" tone stuck out to me and I decided to pay a little homage to the show that taught me a lot about storytelling.

On a note, "Back to the Grind" was the original name for this chapter until I realised it felt too mundane and decided to concentrate on the LittlePip quest repeat instead.
avatar
Fuzzy
Unicorn

Posts : 365
Brohoof! : 68
Join date : 2012-06-18
Age : 30
Location : Scotland

Character List:
Name:
Sex:
Species:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NgCmMMuecDRzbX05uIsZN1sN5HdH

Back to top Go down

Re: Fallout Equestria: Murky Number Seven

Post by Cptadder on Tue Jul 03, 2012 6:57 pm

Fuzzy wrote:

The chapter quote is a line from the phenomenal show, Babylon 5. Spoken by a character called Zathras, it portrays his pretty lonely life as a servant to an old organic machine. The sort of reseigned "oh well, back to the grind" tone stuck out to me and I decided to pay a little homage to the show that taught me a lot about storytelling.
Ahh good old Zathras, not to get to spoiler happy but let me set up an equivalent spoiler thingy

Spoiler:

imagine if your eighteen and your future self comes back and tells you in order to save the Galaxy you need to take the shitty job in Dubuque, Iowa rather than go to college. That your life will be without meaning and purpose until one day you'll die but as your dieing you will hand a future Hero the exact thing he needs to save every one of us.

Time travel can suck sometimes

But Zathras is a major B5 geek character, he's not front and center he's off to the side the entire time, shows up late, leaves early but without him the series becomes darker.
avatar
Cptadder
Alicorn

Posts : 1751
Brohoof! : 118
Join date : 2012-06-03
Age : 33

Back to top Go down

Re: Fallout Equestria: Murky Number Seven

Post by swicked on Tue Jul 03, 2012 6:58 pm

Ah... I never watched Star Trek. Just never got into it.
I suppose I should get into the habit of assuming any word I can't figure out the meaning of in this fic is irish slang? :P
And yeah, I like your second choice of chapter name better. Many of your chapter names belay the overarching theme of hope that I've referred to previously, so unless it's an astoundingly dark chapter I don't think that theme should be particularly subverted. This is Murky's story, after all, so they should be named how he might consider naming them.

swicked
Royal Alicorn

Posts : 6598
Brohoof! : 960
Join date : 2012-05-17

Back to top Go down

Re: Fallout Equestria: Murky Number Seven

Post by Fuzzy on Tue Jul 03, 2012 7:59 pm

You are absolutely right on the hope angle, as mentioned before. If ever you see a chapter name that is anything but about hope or a "positive" note...you know there's some real stuff about to go down.

And most of the words you likely don't get I'm assuming are Brim's dialect? He uses a lot of traditional Scottish slang. I try to have Murky act as a "Huh?" question asker most of the time, but I do like to leave everyone in the dark sometimes just for the sheer hell of it. :p
avatar
Fuzzy
Unicorn

Posts : 365
Brohoof! : 68
Join date : 2012-06-18
Age : 30
Location : Scotland

Character List:
Name:
Sex:
Species:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NgCmMMuecDRzbX05uIsZN1sN5HdH

Back to top Go down

Re: Fallout Equestria: Murky Number Seven

Post by RoboRed on Tue Jul 03, 2012 8:17 pm

I was getting a big Scottih vibe from Brim. Guess I was right.

------------------
Aonee wrote:
jacky2734 wrote:((Aonee, don't make me invent a way to punch you over the internet.))
((If you do, I will invent a Korean technique to block it with someone else's face. And, construct more pylons.))

CamoBadger wrote:((Wow, zebra incest is powerful shit))

Mister Frost's friend, "Darren" wrote:"I'm scared to break up with her, though. Her dad's an ex-marine; if I make her cry he'll club me over the head with a pillowcase full of doorknobs and Tom Clancy novels."

Sindri wrote:This is a thread for fans of a fanfiction of a fanfiction about murderous miniature pastel equines in a grimdark post-apocalyptic future.
If you wanted to stay anywhere near socially acceptable, you should have taken a left turn about three layers of WTF back.

avatar
RoboRed
Royal Alicorn

Posts : 13859
Brohoof! : 717
Join date : 2012-05-09
Age : 28
Location : Nebraska

Character List:
Name:
Sex:
Species:

Back to top Go down

Re: Fallout Equestria: Murky Number Seven

Post by swicked on Tue Jul 03, 2012 8:26 pm

Fuzzy wrote:And most of the words you likely don't get I'm assuming are Brim's dialect? He uses a lot of traditional Scottish slang. I try to have Murky act as a "Huh?" question asker most of the time, but I do like to leave everyone in the dark sometimes just for the sheer hell of it. :p
Only one word from Brim, so far, that I didn't get. I don't particularly remember what it was, though.
I was more or less just stating a new rule of thumb I'll be taking to your fic.

swicked
Royal Alicorn

Posts : 6598
Brohoof! : 960
Join date : 2012-05-17

Back to top Go down

Re: Fallout Equestria: Murky Number Seven

Post by swicked on Wed Jul 04, 2012 12:20 am

By the by, Fuzzy, I'm slightly concerned with Murky killing that one Parasprite that he shot. He never kills ANYTHING. I was under the impression he'd be some sort of Fluttershy, incapable of hurting a fly, entirely subverting kkat's Melody character by being truly kind in every way as opposed to being capable of wanton slaughter if adequately enraged.
But he actually shot and killed one, even if the others more or less died in his attempts to simply get them to get off of him and go away.
Eh... well, at least he's still incapable of intentionally causing harm to another pony...

swicked
Royal Alicorn

Posts : 6598
Brohoof! : 960
Join date : 2012-05-17

Back to top Go down

Re: Fallout Equestria: Murky Number Seven

Post by Cptadder on Wed Jul 04, 2012 7:58 am

swicked wrote:By the by, Fuzzy, I'm slightly concerned with Murky killing that one Parasprite that he shot. He never kills ANYTHING. I was under the impression he'd be some sort of Fluttershy, incapable of hurting a fly, entirely subverting kkat's Melody character by being truly kind in every way as opposed to being capable of wanton slaughter if adequately enraged.
But he actually shot and killed one, even if the others more or less died in his attempts to simply get them to get off of him and go away.
Eh... well, at least he's still incapable of intentionally causing harm to another pony...
Obviously it was a second gunpony that made the real kill shot, the thought that Murky could have been the shooter is an obvious Ministry of Moral after the fact to find a scapegoat to pin the shootings on.
avatar
Cptadder
Alicorn

Posts : 1751
Brohoof! : 118
Join date : 2012-06-03
Age : 33

Back to top Go down

Re: Fallout Equestria: Murky Number Seven

Post by Fuzzy on Wed Jul 04, 2012 12:35 pm

The thought did cross my mind during the actual writing. As such, I decided to leave it just open enough that he may have been mistaken as to what he hit or didn't hit. He isn't known for his counting.

When backed right into a corner, he will fight for his life, but I can assure he certainly isn't an aggresor. Likely the parasprites simply swarmed at him and he pulled the trigger in a blind panic.
avatar
Fuzzy
Unicorn

Posts : 365
Brohoof! : 68
Join date : 2012-06-18
Age : 30
Location : Scotland

Character List:
Name:
Sex:
Species:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NgCmMMuecDRzbX05uIsZN1sN5HdH

Back to top Go down

Re: Fallout Equestria: Murky Number Seven

Post by swicked on Wed Jul 04, 2012 12:46 pm

Yeah, but... I dunno. I just appreciated that degree of separation. He may be accused of killing a slaver, but the slaver followed him into a deathtrap the slaver would never have been able to squeeze out of due to his own size. He may take the credit for killing those parasprites, but they only died because his terrified flailing activated an HVAC system that chopped them up. Even that was slightly iffy to me, I would have liked it better if one ran into the strange control panel inside of this shaft while dodging his shots. Something where, sure, Murky was there and was the a cause of the paraspites' deaths, but really they did it to themselves by being careless... or just by being stupid, considering these are bugs.

I guess I WILL just pretend he didn't actually shoot that bug, even if he may think he did it. It was just kinda cool how he never killed anyone. Even Puppysmiles destroyed robots. I really liked Murky just plain never taking down ANYTHING.

...I won't get hung up on this, though. I'm just saying it surprised me.

Edit:
Previously I've said that if Pink Eyes was FoE on easy, the original was on normal and PH was on hard, MN7 was on nightmare. This is false. MN7 is on Hardcore Hell mode with a mod to make it even rougher. Not only can every encounter or injury potentially kill him and he needs constant life saving efforts to survive day to day, let alone hour to hour, but on top of that he can't directly kill or defeat anything or anyone! It's MADNESS! XD

swicked
Royal Alicorn

Posts : 6598
Brohoof! : 960
Join date : 2012-05-17

Back to top Go down

Re: Fallout Equestria: Murky Number Seven

Post by Valikdu on Wed Jul 04, 2012 2:11 pm

swicked wrote:It's MADNESS! XD

No, that's not Madness.
Incidentally, this is.
avatar
Valikdu
Alicorn

Posts : 2219
Brohoof! : 192
Join date : 2012-05-10
Age : 27
Location : Moscow, Russian Federation

Character List:
Name: Ion Storm
Sex: Female
Species: First One

Back to top Go down

Re: Fallout Equestria: Murky Number Seven

Post by RoboRed on Wed Jul 04, 2012 2:38 pm

Valikdu wrote:
swicked wrote:It's MADNESS! XD

No, that's not Madness.
Incidentally, this is.
That right there is several levels of win.

------------------
Aonee wrote:
jacky2734 wrote:((Aonee, don't make me invent a way to punch you over the internet.))
((If you do, I will invent a Korean technique to block it with someone else's face. And, construct more pylons.))

CamoBadger wrote:((Wow, zebra incest is powerful shit))

Mister Frost's friend, "Darren" wrote:"I'm scared to break up with her, though. Her dad's an ex-marine; if I make her cry he'll club me over the head with a pillowcase full of doorknobs and Tom Clancy novels."

Sindri wrote:This is a thread for fans of a fanfiction of a fanfiction about murderous miniature pastel equines in a grimdark post-apocalyptic future.
If you wanted to stay anywhere near socially acceptable, you should have taken a left turn about three layers of WTF back.

avatar
RoboRed
Royal Alicorn

Posts : 13859
Brohoof! : 717
Join date : 2012-05-09
Age : 28
Location : Nebraska

Character List:
Name:
Sex:
Species:

Back to top Go down

Re: Fallout Equestria: Murky Number Seven

Post by OneMoreDaySK on Fri Jul 06, 2012 1:24 am

swicked wrote:
Previously I've said that if Pink Eyes was FoE on easy, the original was on normal and PH was on hard, MN7 was on nightmare. This is false. MN7 is on Hardcore Hell mode with a mod to make it even rougher. Not only can every encounter or injury potentially kill him and he needs constant life saving efforts to survive day to day, let alone hour to hour, but on top of that he can't directly kill or defeat anything or anyone! It's MADNESS! XD

Also, no saves, less S.P.E.C.I.A.L., Pacifist run. The only thing going for him is that he's so messed up that he doesn't really mind going without food / water for a long time, except Radaway, in which case he's in the red at the start.
avatar
OneMoreDaySK
Alicorn

Posts : 1698
Brohoof! : 56
Join date : 2012-05-14

Character List:
Name: Alouette
Sex: Female
Species: Unicorn

Back to top Go down

Re: Fallout Equestria: Murky Number Seven

Post by swicked on Fri Jul 06, 2012 1:53 am

OneMoreDaySK wrote:
swicked wrote:
Previously I've said that if Pink Eyes was FoE on easy, the original was on normal and PH was on hard, MN7 was on nightmare. This is false. MN7 is on Hardcore Hell mode with a mod to make it even rougher. Not only can every encounter or injury potentially kill him and he needs constant life saving efforts to survive day to day, let alone hour to hour, but on top of that he can't directly kill or defeat anything or anyone! It's MADNESS! XD

Also, no saves, less S.P.E.C.I.A.L., Pacifist run. The only thing going for him is that he's so messed up that he doesn't really mind going without food / water for a long time, except Radaway, in which case he's in the red at the start.
Not entirely pacifist... he's hoofed enough crotches to get a perk for it! :P

swicked
Royal Alicorn

Posts : 6598
Brohoof! : 960
Join date : 2012-05-17

Back to top Go down

Re: Fallout Equestria: Murky Number Seven

Post by Derpmind on Fri Jul 06, 2012 9:41 pm

I don't really thing that Murky is a pacifist, just that he's been kept away from kill-or-be-killed situations for most of his life, and in some of those recent situations he's had others to save him. Killing someone is only one step past being willing to shoot people with a gun, and Murky was shooting at the gryphons.
avatar
Derpmind
Mindmaster Extraordinaire

Posts : 947
Brohoof! : 166
Join date : 2012-05-09

Back to top Go down

Re: Fallout Equestria: Murky Number Seven

Post by Moodyman90 on Fri Jul 06, 2012 9:58 pm

Well, until recently Murky has never really been in a position physically or mentally to even fight back, let alone kill. Now he's willing to fight back, and while he doesn't want to kill now, it's true that he has caused death through his actions. And eventually he will kill somepony himself. Most likely in self defense and spur of the moment, and he'll feel horrible afterwards.
avatar
Moodyman90
Draconequus

Posts : 8257
Brohoof! : 163
Join date : 2012-05-09
Age : 27

Character List:
Name: Moody Blues/ Moodstone
Sex: Male/ Male
Species: Earth Pony/ Unicorn

Back to top Go down

Re: Fallout Equestria: Murky Number Seven

Post by Mech on Tue Jul 10, 2012 4:23 am

Just felt like posting these here.

avatar
Mech
Colt/Filly

Posts : 13
Brohoof! : 67
Join date : 2012-05-11
Age : 29

Character List:
Name:
Sex:
Species:

http://mistermech.deviantart.com/

Back to top Go down

Re: Fallout Equestria: Murky Number Seven

Post by swicked on Tue Jul 10, 2012 10:30 am

Fact: I first became interested in reading Murky after looking through Mech's deviantART and coming across those two pictures.
So thanks, Mech :)

swicked
Royal Alicorn

Posts : 6598
Brohoof! : 960
Join date : 2012-05-17

Back to top Go down

Re: Fallout Equestria: Murky Number Seven

Post by Fuzzy on Tue Jul 10, 2012 1:40 pm

I am eternally grateful for those two awesome pieces of art, Mech. I still just go and look at them every now and then to help get into a writing mood.

It's brilliant stuff I never expected to see of my story.
avatar
Fuzzy
Unicorn

Posts : 365
Brohoof! : 68
Join date : 2012-06-18
Age : 30
Location : Scotland

Character List:
Name:
Sex:
Species:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NgCmMMuecDRzbX05uIsZN1sN5HdH

Back to top Go down

Re: Fallout Equestria: Murky Number Seven

Post by Cptadder on Tue Jul 10, 2012 1:45 pm

Ah MisterMech the person who produced the best Littlepip x Blackjack fanart and convinced me how awesome a buddy cop movie between the two of them would be. And as well manages to convey how utterly small Murky is for a stallion even when his mental mind makes the difference 100x greater.
avatar
Cptadder
Alicorn

Posts : 1751
Brohoof! : 118
Join date : 2012-06-03
Age : 33

Back to top Go down

Re: Fallout Equestria: Murky Number Seven

Post by Moodyman90 on Fri Jul 13, 2012 8:26 pm

I finally finished the newest chapter. Made my Friday the 13th , a day I usually have my best luck on, a really good day.

What can I say other then I really liked this chapter. It wasn't completely soul crushing but still had moments I felt sorry for Murk.

Also really ramped up the tension at times. I'll avoid spoilers for now but I'm so use to everything going wrong, not saying they went right, there was moments I had to hold my breath till I got past that point.

Over all it was a good chapter and I can hardly wait the two weeks for the next one.
avatar
Moodyman90
Draconequus

Posts : 8257
Brohoof! : 163
Join date : 2012-05-09
Age : 27

Character List:
Name: Moody Blues/ Moodstone
Sex: Male/ Male
Species: Earth Pony/ Unicorn

Back to top Go down

Re: Fallout Equestria: Murky Number Seven

Post by Cptadder on Sun Jul 15, 2012 2:27 am

Okay missed the chapter yesterday because schedules? Who pays attentions to schedules! Oh wait... Fuzzy does... huh.

Anyway Chapter 10 reading time.

What I liked
The theme of Murky therapy via drawling, it's a good lenses for self reflection and the odd DJ-Pon3 broadcast

Little development for Weathervane, more details of the explicit state of Murky's injuries which are all well into the chronic stage. So he's addicted (Kinda) to Rad-away to prevent him from dieing, he's still got a crippled leg and some lingering general damage from the stab wounds, beating and explosions. Also Glimmer moves... quick in acquiring new stallion friends.

I like the slight inversion of Protege writing letters to Red Eye on them umm... Value of being a short sighted idiot who embraces the institution of slavery which produces nothing but instability for as long as one pony chains another you face the very real problem of requiring a percentage of your population to guard those in chains least they be broken and your new country drowned in blood.

Hello Shackles you sick fuck, you can not meet the business end of a riot shotgun soon enough, and if they have not riot shotguns the nearest blunt object will do
Sunny!.... fuck....

Ahah, it makes sense if you can take memories you should be able to implant them. It never made sense to me the memory orbs could be created and watched by unicorns from memories taking from anyone without some way to put the memories back into someone else. Shame Murky did not get some murder training.


Hah! “A LIE MOST FOUL! YOU WILL KINDLY ACCEPT BEING HURLED ACROSS THE ROOM IN PUNISHMENT!”...
....wait it gets better! “There is only one squeak I know of so pathetic! SALUTATIONS AND GREAT JOY TO MY WARMONGERING HEART! MISS FLUTTERSHY! IT IS GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN!”
Luna ....yay....

....wait... it gets... better? How you ask?

“SILENCE! THE PENALTY FOR ASSAULTING A MINISTRY MARE IS A TEMPORARY BAN FROM OXYGEN FOR ONE YEAR!”


Okay Fuzzy you've redeemed yourself, like I said in my don't like comments I don't like the Twi speech, I don't like Murky's not thinking but he does think... and I kinda (Not anywhere near as bad as the other two things) don't think your comedic timing is perfect on the Fluttershy message key... but this... this forgives all....aaalllll.




What I noticed

Still mid read but more and more my theory on Protege being one of the first slaves Red-Eye got his hands on makes more sense, Protege is not easily able to judge people (Look at his underlings) yet he understands Murky way to well for anything but personal experience to explain lets see if we get confirmation...

Wait Protege is not ordering Murky to go in... oh Protege no wonder you have Shackles as your second you make a horrible slave master.

Okay... what Twilight little message to the future...

And Sundial is his kid, not a big issue since if he had gotten in the Stable it was a Filly stable which means he's most likely dead as hell. The city stables it seems got it the worst for experiments not the random stuff like the Bug-cat-snake things where a Stables fails due to it's own fault.

What I did not like
Spoiler:
Okay right off the bat my problem with Murky has been is he mopes in his own sorrows, his drawing and journal shows he's not a mindless slave, at the end of the shift he has time to sit down and reflect and think. He's never been in denial about his station in life which is why as I mentioned in a previous chapter Murky should have shut down a long time ago. Those tears should be all done with because you can't go through the shit for so long before you stop feeling sorry for yourself and either escape, do something else stupid or shut down mentally so when I see Murky talking about "If...if I sat and thought about it, I'm fairly sure I'd actually buckle under it all...if I ever fully comprehended the permanent damage done to me". Yeah no Murky you have thought about it and extensively and you cried... often.

Okay Fluttershy tells Murky from BEYOND THE VEIL of TIME where the key is, kind of clumsy, would have been funner if he gives up leaves then the recording plays rather than it being concurrent.

Twilight's little message to the future... hated it. This is not something Twilight would create... ever... she's far to self aware, the entire point of Twilight's tragedy is that she shut down shortly after Megaspells came to be. She threw herself into her work, she created the Gardens then threw herself into the Alicorn creation project, before the Megaspells she would not have made this not feeling the sorrow, after the Megaspells she would not have made this. Twilight was not Fluttershy, she wanted to win the war, she helped created cast Balefire megapsells. This does not feel like it should be Twilight's speech at all.
avatar
Cptadder
Alicorn

Posts : 1751
Brohoof! : 118
Join date : 2012-06-03
Age : 33

Back to top Go down

Re: Fallout Equestria: Murky Number Seven

Post by OneMoreDaySK on Tue Jul 17, 2012 12:38 am

Cptadder wrote:


I dunno about the Twilight Speech. Since there is no exact time frame for this memory, it could be before Goldenblood decided to screw with her brain? Just throwing it out there. And yah, as sad as it might be for Weathervane, it could have been a lot worse for Sundial had he made it into the stable.
avatar
OneMoreDaySK
Alicorn

Posts : 1698
Brohoof! : 56
Join date : 2012-05-14

Character List:
Name: Alouette
Sex: Female
Species: Unicorn

Back to top Go down

Re: Fallout Equestria: Murky Number Seven

Post by swicked on Tue Jul 17, 2012 7:06 pm

Ch. 10 reading review, toned down a few
I don’t have the energy, and I’m far too angry.
Spoiler:

Murky, you are beyond redemption. You’re just way too stupid. You can’t help it, but you are. You cannot hide your emotions or thoughts, so of course Protégé can tell what’s bugging you. Knowing what you are feeling is not the same as feeling it, though. Even if he was born into slavery he has never had to deal with it as long as you have. He’s never been under Chainlink’s hoof. He’s never had to deal with being a Pegasus.
He doesn’t particularly want to hurt you, but NOT hurting you is FAR down on his list of priorities.
As for knowing your place in life? You’ve lost the point entirely, as that is slave mentality all over again.
Part of embracing freedom is coming to terms with the idea that there is no place in life. Not for anyone. You can have something you like doing, a family you love, friends you enjoy being around… you can be happy like that for years, but then what if all of that is taken away? You become crippled, robbing you of your livelihood. Your family dies. You become a pariah to your previous friends.
What do you do then? You move on and find a new “place”.
It doesn’t have to be that dramatic, but change is life. Accepting and governing change is freedom. Hopefully you’ll learn that one day.
After all, “Those who do not move do not notice their chains."-Rosa Luxemburg
...and I realize that, strangely enough, a lot of people DO set unnecessary boundaries. They find little holes for themselves, come across difficulties they can live with and opportunities that could improve their life that they disregard wholesale often due to an entirely imagined risk to their current life or a belief that it would take significant effort to pursue. Like... taking the time and expense for education to get a better job, to improve the one you currently do or to simply learn about something you are interested in and/or enjoy. Finding a way to get out and explore your city, state or country if you don’t like where you live or feel just... stuck.
I believe in change. Not for change’s sake, as that is chaos, but change for the sake of exploring, expanding and learning possibilities. You find something to do, somewhere to be, and you like it. You love it, even. But you don’t stop looking, because there’s always something to find, and you rarely give up anything just to look. Heck, oftentimes the looking itself is enjoyable and, to a degree, fulfilling all by itself.
And the more options you find, let alone the more you take, the more free you become.
...I’ll get off my soapbox now. What am I doing, lecturing an imaginary character for over half a page? XD

Rounding a corner, I glanced ahead, wasn't this the way back to the cage into the
shops? I could run out the back door and...and get away! But before I could even move, that
cackling voice drifted through the thick air and darkness...
“Murky is my bestest slave...woohoo....whoopee...”
Hmm. A nightmare.
*reads on* Bucking called it.

Utterly random thought: If baby unicorns are prone to bouts of powerful magic, and baby pegasi are prone to feats of amazing flight, do you suppose baby earth ponies are prone to episodes of impossible capacity? Like… they become mini-pinkie pies, suddenly moving impossibly fast, showing up where they could not conceivably get to, and pulling gag items out of their own hammer space on a whim? Because I figure so. Pinkie pie’s power, I think, comes mostly from just never growing up. Now back to the fic.

“claustrophobic and dominating nightmare”
But he isn’t claustrophobic. He likes sleeping in cupboards. He’s spent his life looking for and hiding within small places to evade his attackers. I would think he would instinctively associate such places with safety... Though, maybe, there’s a limit to even that.

“Look, I...I've may have to”
I may

Either one, the last Sundial message is going to be his cutie mark story, or two, that skeleton wasn’t Sundial.
You might try to run and you might try to pray but we all end up the remains of the day.

“stroke under his chain 'accidentally.'”
Chin. Unless this nurse has a chain on him he’s particularly sensitive to...

I figure Barb is eventually going to give Murky another “chance”. Unlike nearly everyone else in Filly, he doesn’t care too much that Murky is a Pegasus. He saw him as useful.
All Murky has to do is offer him something. That or Barb will think of something himself. It’s far from Murky’s fault Barb’s shadows failed to kill Murky. The kid didn’t even land a hit on them. Blame them for being incompetent and Glimmer for being skilled. Barb is too smart to get caught up in revenge, especially for the sake of his own troops. He is a raider, after all, and if he learned anything from Brim it should have been to not give a buck about anyone but himself.
I look forward to the day he gets really pissed off, or tries to take on Brim. I’m imagining a whirlwind of sharp, glittering shadow. Lance a few tendons and that big guy would go down pretty hard… not that Barb would win in the end, though. He IS still a bad guy.

She had protected me from The Master,
then shot me and finally spent time insulting me on every meeting...
Your right, Murky. She TOTALLY has a crush on you!

Protégé: “Ragini, may I speak with you for a moment?”
Ragini: “Fine.”
Protégé: “I must ask you to stop flirting with Murky. It isn’t healthy…”
Ragini: *almost says something, then bites her tongue hard enough it bleeds while she waits for her turn to speak*
Protégé: “You’re a griffin, he’s a Pegasus… I can understand how you’d be confused, but it really must stop.”
Ragini: “How can you… He’s filth! He’s a worthless, whiny, good-for-nothing slave! How can you possibly think I could EVER be attracted to such a broken, tiny, starving, skinny, flexible, doe-eyed, clever little sweethea- OH, FUCK ME!” *slams head into Protégé’s desk*
Protégé: “Mhmmm, quite.”

P.S.
*Murky, out in the hallway, shivering and curled up in a ball*
Glimmerlight: *concerned* “Are you okay, Murky?”
Murky: “I’m j-j-just s-so s-scarroused right n-n-now…”


N-not that...ponies died here. This was their home.
Protégé: “Yes, Murky, it was. Now we live here, as is the way of things. Ponies become dust, the dust becomes oats, oats become ponies, and ponies become dust again. The circle of life.”
Murky: “So… I’ve been eating ponies?”
Protégé: “In a way, yes. You see, that’s just how the world w-“
Murky: *crying* “I’M NEVER EATING AGAIN! WAAAHHH!”
Protégé: *facehoof* “…Master Redeye, give me strength...”

I should see about getting your friend Glimmerlight to
take a look at it. Might still be recoverable.”
Honestly, given slaves with medical abilities seem to be tasked with only taking care of other slaves, I’m surprised that a slave with such strong technical abilities isn’t being utilized in some specialized fashion than just being Protégé’s occasional technician.

“Sparkle Sanitiser”
Sanitizer

some day the stars might aid in our escape
Yeah, I see what you did there. I don’t think it really works, though…

Be strong, Murky...like Brim...oh Goddesses Brim...
Usually, when someone says to “be strong”, they mean to have willpower or other forms of resiliency against hardship. Here, Murky’s literally calling on Brim to give him muscles. I find this highly amusing :P

By the way, I’m surprised Protégé didn’t brief Murky on this place at all. Murky is far from the sharpest knife in his slave cupboard, plus he can’t read, so any type of key utilized for the map would be worthless. Does Murky really have a map of every floor of the complex? Wouldn’t it be useful to be able to readily identify air vents, potential patrol routes, etc.? I’m guessing Protégé would have been able to get SOME intelligence on the building beyond the most basic architectural plans. Even then, given Murky’s confidence issues, it still would have been a good idea to give him a little more information to go on.
But nothing is ever easy, after all...

There was no chance to sneak...I simply had to
play the slave and stagger on through. Not that such a thing would be entirely impossible given
I had at least gotten plenty of practice across my life.
Murky, if there’s one thing this fic has taught me, it’s that it is impossible for the smallest, sneakiest, most inconspicuous person in a room to avoid drawing everyone’s attention at some point or another.

Chainlink Shackles is here? I am absolutely not surprised. I still think Protégé and Chainlink are in some form of cahoots.

“You know the rules, Grindstone, you get what you catch. That breakout stunt you
had your informant arrange by contacting the last Rangers proved a lovely little way to get
some of that upstart's little ponies into my hooves. In return...the remnants from the Stable for
your...heh...collection. But most of these slaves are just, well, appropriated from other slavers
who don't want to dare say no to me. Give a little time...I'll have a full stock of my own to play
with...hehe.”
Wow, they sure are confident no one in the room will report them for announcing they ARRANGED a slave breakout, the one thing Red Eye would apparently never tolerate. Evil villain, much?

He just takes slaves from slavers? I wonder if he’s ever tried that with wicked slit, or anyone else with a weapon, a low slave stock, an inferiority complex and a steadfast dedication toward carrying through on Redeye’s ambitions. She might buckle to him a few times, but she’d hate herself enough for it that I think she’d eventually lash out and, probably, die for her trouble.
You know, I’m not really sure, in general, how slavers killing slavers is dealt with. Might be an interesting thing to see later.

By the by, I just figured out who Chainlink reminds me of. Ratcliffe, the villain from Disney’s Pocahontas. “All that gold those ponies will be mine!”
Slave, boys, slave me that stable!
And whip, boys, whip ‘till you drop!
Make it sick, boys!
Quick, boys!
Scrounge out and scrabble, uncover that rabble of fillies that cry out and whine!
They're slaves and they're mine, mine, mine!


Wow, Murky actually avoided attention. Who’d of thunk it?

I’ll tell you right now, after he entered the memory, I skipped ahead to see if he was caught when he left it. Way too much of a mid-story cliffhanger for me.

That was before I even saw past the figure sitting at the desk to witness the outside. I
wanted to take control, steer Aurora Star toward the window to gaze upon the vista that I only
saw hints of behind the lavender pony that she was so intent on.
Murky: “ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL!!” *slams up the blue lever*
BUZZZZZZAP
Twilight: “Um, Aurora Star... what are you looking at?”
Aurora: *frantically looking at everything she can see outside* “I don’t know!”
On the back of the machine, next to the warning labels, I imagine a label that says “Developed and paid for by the Ministry of Arcane Science and Merry Memories, subsidy of the Ministry of Moral and Pinkie Pie, inc. “Merry Memories, making the past a little brighter one intrusive, causality-breaking spell at a time.”

This robot is delightful :)

“Salutations, Miss Fluttershy! How good it feels to operate under my prime
directive! But there are many more on approach, the battle has dissuaded them to find
heavier weaponry...we must get you away now.”
?
They’ve been persuaded to find heavier weaponry? Or the battle has dissuaded them to continue to use lighter weaponry? I dunno.

“Mister Peace's screen flickered a few times, switching from pony to pony before settling
on a unicorn with a bright idea.”
How is this being depicted? A unicorn with a lit bulb next to its head? Would Murky get that connotation?

…is Murky really going to get to keep this amazingly valuable ally? Or are they going to destroy that entire cargo bay for good measure? I certainly hope they won’t; the guy’s hilarious!
Also: I was kinda expecting Chainlink to take the robot down as a way for the story to finally show me he isn’t just all hot air... after all, I’ve never seen the guy legitimately challenged. But no, the guy’s not around, leaving me thinking “the master”, for all his brutality, still couldn’t hold his own in anything but the most unfair of fights.

...did Murky act surprised when he saw Sunny Days was alive? I don’t remember him saying “She’s not dead!” or anything. His present self already knew she wasn’t dead, though, so... ugh. Is this even ever going to be explained? >_>
Also: wow, Chainlink did NOTHING to her. Sunny shot him and Murky promised to come with Chainlink if he spared her, and then DIDN’T come with him, instead ending up back with Protégé! The worst she appears to have suffered, according to Murky’s observation, is not having her wounds healed and sleep deprivation. No other visible injuries… and he has hardly been required to avoid bruising her like he was when Murky was in his care. Pretty darn pathetic of Chainlink not to have taken out a lot more aggression on the mare that, by all appearances, affected Murky enough to refuse a direct order from Chainlink... something I don’t think he had seen from the little guy prior to then. This is the guy stamped a slave to death for speaking out of turn, after all. This was a serious chance at some nightmare fuel, as well as a proof of concept regarding what Murky would have coming to him if he ever DID end up in Chainlink’s care, but no. Her mane is intact, if smoke stained. She has no new visible wounds. She’s not missing an ear or an eye or anything else non-vital to her remaining useful as a labor-intensive slave. If she was raped it was done so in a way that wasn’t brutal enough to be immediately obvious.
Just pathetic. I want to see Chainlink at his worst. I guess I get that his goal is shame and breaking the will and pride of a pony, not abject torture and pain, but come on... from his perspective she should have so much more coming to her.

“You have not seen the foals, Murk. I see them every few days...sometimes to help
teach them history or philosophy.”
Your philosophies are not for them, Protégé. Are they all justifications, placations, hopes and dreams? Do any of them really help or make them think? I would have hoped Red Eye would tailor his lessons more than to let you pollute them with your pandering nonsense.

I hope he’s lying about letting them see Murky. The guy is, in almost every way, one half of everything they are trying to hide from the foals... Chainlink, admittedly, being the other half.

“'By his side'...just why was such a thing so important to him?”
You’ve already acknowledged Protégé’s delusions, his need to believe. How can you not see this, in part, as an extension of that?

“What's up with the journal?” Weathervane was distracted, but clearly still perceptive. I
saw Glimmer laugh. Oh no, please no, don't say a word, not a word!
'reference', doesn't he?” That grin widened...as I felt embarrassed enough that I just dug
my head into my hooves.
Giggling, she trotted off to sit by Weathervane's desk and spin in his chair. (See? It was
fun!)
What? ‘reference’?

“Most ghouls like me lost somepony in the balefire...we all had to come to terms with shit
like that. I'm one of the lucky ones...he didn't die in the flames, no. He died peacefully, I got
him a Stable ticket.”
No.
Huh, coincidences. I’m betting Murky’s right about this being the pipbuck guy. It’s just too perfect.

“I couldn't stop crying, even Weathervane stopped to look confused and sad. Her hoof
lay on my back.”
Why confused? Murky cries over everything. I’d of expected him to be more exasperated than anything else.
Weathervane: “Crying again? Really? I’m not saying it doesn’t still hurt, but it’s my tragedy, so shut the hell up. Besides, according to this scan, you’re as dehydrated as I am. Your blood has the viscosity of clam chowder... and not the watery, canned cheap stuff, either. We’re talking five star quality clam and potato goodness oozing through your veins. Where do these tears even come from? It’s fucking medical miracle! ”

P.S.
Weathervane: “Darn it all, now I’m all hungry. Glimmer, grab some blood packs from the fridge, alright?”
Glimmer: “…you drink blood?”
Weathervane: “And cut the judging, alright? I’m a zombie doctor; snacking on the job is one of the perks.”
Glimmer: “Heh, do I really come off as the squeamish sort?”
Weathervane: “Oh, well then I think there’s a liver in there, too, if you want it. I mean, how many times should I have to tell them ‘I hate liver’ for them to stop dropping it off for my lunches?”
Glimmer: *pulling out the liver and turning it over with her magic* “...well, I’ve never tried it and I do have a cooker up in my cell, so if it’s that or the garbage... I guess I could try and see if I can do something with it. Heh, at the very least, it’d be a break from all the oatmeal. ‘Nothing ventured, nothing gained’, right, Murky?”
Murky: *horrified beyond all capacity of reason, his eyes flash between the two of them before rolling up into his head as he passes out*

P.P.S.
Glimmer: “Murky? Murky...” *shakes him* “Heh, nice one, Doc. He’s so adorable when he passes out from sheer horror. So, what, are these radpig, or...”
Weathervane: *sipping on a bloodpack* “Nah, I’m doing a transplant for one of the higher-ups in a bit. Just throw it on the counter.”
Glimmer: “...and you say they really gave you a medical license? With actual signatures and everything?”
Weathervane: *sip* “Yup, and tenure. Fuckin’ morons.” *hoofbump*

swicked
Royal Alicorn

Posts : 6598
Brohoof! : 960
Join date : 2012-05-17

Back to top Go down

Re: Fallout Equestria: Murky Number Seven

Post by swicked on Tue Jul 17, 2012 7:23 pm

@adder
I agree about the Twilight speech. It always seemed to me like she and Applejack were the most devoted to the war, though we rarely got Rainbowdash's take on things.
She wanted to win. She wanted to serve the princesses. She might have expressed a couple doubts, leading to projects like the gardens of equestria, but she would have likely rationalized that they mostly served to heal the land following the war.
It's just too long. Way too long. And entirely damning if they had won the war. I didn't even read it all... I kinda got the gist pretty soon in and started skimming. It's just way too much on the same subject and struck me as out of character for her, especially to be recording of her own will with only the promise that they wouldn't look at it before returning it to her.
I don't want to go on and on about this, though, so... yeah. I just didn't like it. It was gimmicky.

swicked
Royal Alicorn

Posts : 6598
Brohoof! : 960
Join date : 2012-05-17

Back to top Go down

Re: Fallout Equestria: Murky Number Seven

Post by Fuzzy on Wed Jul 18, 2012 5:41 am

I'm out on holiday at the moment, so I apologise that I can't be as active to chat as I normally am, please forgive me for that.

But I'm very intrigued by some of the feedback about Chapter 10 thus far. The Twilight thing I am willing to pass by on, I felt one way about the character, it's clear that many people in the FO:E fanbase feel another. I'll bear it in mind with a little humility so, hopefully, no great harm done, even if I personally still felt that it was 'right'. I do accept the opinions above, though.

On the rest though, I'm glad to hear people enjoy Mister Peace. He was very VERY fun to write, think mid-40's British Officer sort of mad tone. If he were a pony, he'd have a Kitchener moustache.

I feel I do wish to prod and ask a little further though, particularly on your comments, swicked. Primarily, this may seem like a daft question, but are you still enjoying the story? Much of the feedback felt...frustrated, and I am most importantly concerned as to whether that's just the elements that made you raise an eyebrow or whether there is an active downturn for you in your entertainment of reading.

Also, sanitiser is the British spelling, sorry. xD I'll get the rest of the typos all corrected the moment I'm home, thank you for pointing them out. Much appreciated.

As for Shackles, you are correct that he isn't a directly combat worthy character. He can lord over weak slaves and has a lot of connections that grant him an immense amount of influence amongst the slavers. He creates misery without obvious signs, as he did with Murk. A lot of the real abuse he dishes out is a very 'behind closed doors' thing that is felt, but not seen. That's just the direction of the character, although I do understand that many people are intent on wishing harm on him. Rest assured, his presence in the story is rather adament and will continue to be so.

But yes, primarily I'm still just asking "Despite your mentions, are you still enjoying this story?" I recall your comments from before when you were very happy with things and I'm sure you'll understand that I'm sitting here wondering if the story is affecting those who enjoyed it in negative ways or not. Thanks so much for your amount of feedback.

Also, those skits had me and the prereaders laughing so much. Good stuff. XD
avatar
Fuzzy
Unicorn

Posts : 365
Brohoof! : 68
Join date : 2012-06-18
Age : 30
Location : Scotland

Character List:
Name:
Sex:
Species:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NgCmMMuecDRzbX05uIsZN1sN5HdH

Back to top Go down

Re: Fallout Equestria: Murky Number Seven

Post by Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

Page 5 of 27 Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 ... 16 ... 27  Next

View previous topic View next topic Back to top

- Similar topics

 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum