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Of Lyres and Cheats

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Of Lyres and Cheats

Post by Flying Ace: Comet on Fri Jun 15, 2012 9:04 am

Here ya go Cloudsville people. Tear apart and criticize as well as place your opinions on my work. This is the first of hopefully many chapters. I'll be aiming to keep all of them over a thousand words so hope you enjoy it!
Spoiler:
The warm feeling of the sand upon her back felt comforting as she stared into the starry sky above. This moon hung up as a bright ball of light, trumping the light of all of the other stars. The milky swirls of the galaxy unveiled themselves before her as she lay there, tranquil and comfortable. There were few days in the Wasteland that could ever be this peace. It was a beautiful transition from the normal hectic, restless, violent nights she had spent trying to free herself from the looters or gangs that roamed around pilfering supplies and murdering the pioneers. The winking of the stars coaxed her into a certain state of security where it felt as if nothing could harm her. She let her eyes flutter for a little before finally having them rest and falling into a peaceful and uninterrupted sleep.
“Hey Deadshot, it’s time to get up. We’ve got visitors that ain’t too happy. Don’t forget to grab your rifle before you get out of the room.” Spoke a male voice. She was gently met with a soft kiss and then the male figure left, leaving her alone on the bed. Deadshot lifted herself up and smiled. Whiskey had brought her in from her peaceful sleep outside. She swung her hooves off the side of the bed and grabbed her .270 Winchester rifle, some ammo, and her duster. She stepped outside the tiny house and was greeted by the sight of three Looters. She stared at them blankly as they held their handguns up towards her and Whiskey. She pointed her rifle up at them. They spoke in a mock menacing tone, trying to scare her.
“Now listen, you both are gonna cooperate with us or else bullets will fly and we’ll take what we want. Either you comply or ya find a bullet in each of your skulls, got it?” Spoke the middle thug, obviously the leader since he wore a large set of Sandblaster goggles around his neck and a Rainbreaker cap, looking much like a motor biker with a cowboy style hat. Whiskey pulled out his .357 Gutburst Magnum and pointed it directly at the leader’s head. A flash of fear crossed the ruffian’s face. That was soon replaced by what had to either be extreme confidence or stupidity. He replied in a quieter, more sinister tone,” Shootin’ me ain’t gonna do you any good. It’ll only end in your beautiful girl here becoming a toy for us Looters.” He then said very loudly,” Won’t it boys?!” A gang of about 6 more ponies rose up from behind boxes and broken bits of caravan storages. I looked over to Whiskey with a slight look of terror on my face. He looked over and smiled and hinted towards his back pocket, which contained a short-fused stick of dynamite. Sheer terror settled in as I knew what he had planned. I begged and pleaded with my eyes, trying to invoke some sort of feelings within’ him that would change his mind. He merely motioned for me to go into the house. I reluctantly complied, knowing that nothing I’d do could sway him from his plan. As soon as the door closed, I heard a loud gunshot, followed by the sounds of all sort of weapons.
I rammed my rifle through the window and pointed it towards a Looter that was ducking behind a crate of bottles. I fired through it and was met with the sounds of shattering glass and a shriek. I looked towards Whiskey to see him firing his two 9mm pistols he kept in his duster. Then I saw him, the stallion, out of the corner of my eye. He has his handgun pointed towards Whiskey and his hoof was enclosing around the trigger. I swiveled my rifle as a stream of tears began to drop from my eyes. I locked it on to him and fired, but I was too late. I heard the loud sound of his handgun ring out just as I pulled the trigger. I looked over to Whiskey and watched as the bullet burst into his stomach and his fell to the ground. I screamed for him, pleading for him to stop and come inside. Then I saw it, the crimson red stick of dynamite flying through the air, sparkling miraculously as it landed right in the middle of the last group of Looters. The loud sound of the explosion succeeded the landing of the dynamite and pieces of looters fell everywhere, showering the outside of our house in a mixture of blood, entrails, and casings. I tore through the door and lifted Whiskey up slightly, elevating his head and chest. I looked into his eyes as he smiled at me. I couldn’t help but smile back him through the fit of tears that cascaded down my face. He whispered something and I moved closer to hear it.
“Thanks for being such a great first love and amazing wife. I’ll be watching over you from the Great Caravan in the sky and waiting until I can be reunited with you. I know this is a sad moment for you, but I want you to move on in your life. I want you to be able to love others. So please, live an adventurous life, for me. I love you.” He said, a tear running out from his right eye. Deadshot leaned in and kissed him, holding him tightly and savoring the last moments of his life. She stared into his eyes as she saw the life disappear from them. She held him tightly and cried deeply. She had lost the one and only friend and lover she had ever really gotten closed to. She sat there for an hour, crying and holding Whiskey’s body, refusing to let him go. She removed his hat and placed it over his eyes face, leaving him to rest in peace. She then got up and proceeded to dig a grave for him. After a little over two hours, she had dug the grave and prepared a nice, oak coffin for him from the dresser in their room. She dressed him in the suit he had worn to their wedding just one year ago. She smiled as she looked at him and remembered the first time they had met, all of their experience together over the four months they had dated, and the night they were married. She picked up his body and lay it carefully within’ the casket. She then placed the casket in the hole and covered it over with sand, jamming his rifle into the dirt. She then proceeded into the house, packed her belongings, grabbed her two handguns, ammunition, and money. She had to travel into town to pick up some gear. She would need it if she planned on living out here on her own. She rounded up the items and headed on the day long trip to town.
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Flying Ace: Comet
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Re: Of Lyres and Cheats

Post by Meleagridis on Fri Jun 15, 2012 10:23 am

I'll do my best! mostly gonna be grammar nitpicking, though.

Spoiler:
There were few days in the wasteland that could ever be this peace.
I think 'peaceful' might suit you better here.

"Don't forget to grab your rifle before you get out of the room," spoke a male voice.
If the next word is 'said' or any of its family, end the dialogue with a comma and keep the said/spoke/tittered/what-have-you lowercase.

"Us Looters"
It seems weird that they call themselves Looters, unless they're actually a gang named 'The Looters." Even raiders don't call themselves raiders- to them, they're just some like minded people getting together and doing what makes sense.

Then I saw him, the stallion, out of the corner of my eye.
I'd recommend a word that connects a bit faster. 'The stallion' could be anyone, and while it becomes obvious who you're talking about in the next sentence you still might want to go with something the works a bit sooner. Something like 'the leader' or 'the looter' or even give him a name earlier on. He seems like the type to brag about it.

I can't remember the exact sentence, but someone pulled a trigger with a hoof.
Not a fan of the mouth guns? Or is this different from Fallout: Equestria?I saw the word 'wasteland' and that's where my mind went.

She had lost the one and only friend and lover she had ever really gotten closed to.
Gotten close to?

placed it over his eyes face
Just face would be fine, or, 'over his face, covering his eyes'.

She picked up his body and lay it carefully within’ the casket.
There's a random apostrophe crashing this funeral.

That's what I've got, anyways.
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Re: Of Lyres and Cheats

Post by Flying Ace: Comet on Fri Jun 15, 2012 10:28 am

Thank ya very much, these errors have been fixed in the word document :3
(To clarify, I would NEVER have a reference to Fallout Equestria in this.)
-Silence <3
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Flying Ace: Comet
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Posts : 128
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Age : 21
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Re: Of Lyres and Cheats

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