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Magical Shiny Land (Futurama And My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic Crossover)

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Re: Magical Shiny Land (Futurama And My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic Crossover)

Post by Kippershy on Wed May 30, 2012 2:22 pm

It's very... uhh... I don't even know the proper word to give it, but the dialogue is choppy.

It doesn't read smoothly and everything is "Speech" [name] said - which is fine in a few occasions, but a lot of the time you can write it into the sentence structure itself like so:


Fry tenderly wiped the tears from fluttershy's eyes.
"I'm sorry Fluttershy, I didn't mean to."
"It's okay Fry."

See how that works smoothly? You shouldn't need to announce the speaker of every line when the conversation flows nicely.
Bonus points when the style of dialogue is clear enough that even without an announcement of who is speaking, it is made clear.

example:


"So, I see Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Twilight Sparkle and Rainbowdash, but who is this?"
"Ya'll want to know who I am? Awh shucks, I ain't nopony."


(which as you can see, it's clearly Applejack.)



The story itself was mildly interesting, if a little weird.
I'd say just work on making your writing a bit more fluent and relaxed and you'll have made a big improvement already.

Though I will hand it to you that you managed to portray each character properly and showed their true nature.
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Kippershy
Lord of Derail

Posts : 3480
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Join date : 2012-05-09
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