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Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by Ketchup on Tue Jul 10, 2012 5:32 pm

Kippershy wrote:
some revisions made:

We made it to the end of the road before the sound of sprinting came up behind us.
Turning my head to see what the commotion was all about, I felt a knife tear into my leg and rip upwards for a few inches before becoming stuck against a part of my armour underneath.
I screamed in pain, my duster quickly becoming coated in blood already.
Before Cherry could react, two mares began to assault her as well, the one with the baseball bat smashing her around the back of the head and knocking her off balance as the other jumped on top straight after and began to pound her spine.

That was it, I had just been pushed over the line.
I hit into S.A.T.S and plotted out my shots, one straight to the back of the head of the mare atop of Cherry as she was easiest to aim for, two shots into the side of the mare with the baseball bat and one shot to the chest of the unicorn with the knife.
I closed S.A.T.S and began to fire, the first mares head exploded into a bloody mess, splattering all over the wall nearby.

"NOPONY FUCKS WITH ME LIKE THIS AND GETS AWAY WITH IT."

Two shots into the mare with the bat, one slamming into her side and the other her front as she fell down to the floor, her throat torn out with the sheer force of the blast. She wasn't dead yet but there was nothing more she could do.
Unfortunately in my rush, the second shot also managed to hit Cherry and she fell down to her side from the shock of being hit
I tried to turn to the unicorn behind me but as I did she lodged the knife in further and I fell to the floor, screaming in agony.
My eyes shot wide and the fear and pain rushed through me like a raging brahmin, throwing me down to the floor under the pressure of supporting myself.

A sickening sensation filled my stomach and I fought to hold down my breakfast as I felt the blood rushing down my side.
Now because of the torture I felt I wasn't able to get an aim on her, my focus taken away from me completely.
I was truly fucked as Cherry wouldn't be able to respond in time, I was helpless.
Fuck the ghouls, this was going to be the way I die, I was certain now.

To much luck however, Maisy came storming down from the sky and grabbed the unicorn with both paws around her neck. The pink mare tried to scream in horror but Maisy gave her no chance, her grip too tight to allow any air travel through her neck.
Before I could even take note of what was really happening, the mares head was missing, blood all around Maisy's jaw as she crushed the bone between her teeth.
The body of the now lifeless pony dropped like a rock, blood flooding the road as if a fire hydrant had just been broken.

Before I could say a thing, Maisy was already back in the air however, leaving me laying in the pool of blood combined from two different ponies.
I tried to move my leg but felt an immediate burning pain overwhelm me again and stayed put, initially yelping in pain before sobbing in agony as it continued to carve into my thigh.
Cherry having pulled herself off the floor, trotted over to me painfully before pulling the knife out of my side, causing me to scream in pain once more.

"Oh get over it you big baby. Being stabbed isn't the worst of all pains possible and anyway, I just took some of the spread from your shot without crying. Speaking of which, be a little more careful next time huih?"
I tried to speak, but found myself unable to. Instead, I breathed in and out deeply for a minute as I tried to handle the pain the best I could.

"Some of..." I fought for my breath, finding it hard to speak still. "The spread, yeah..." I took another moment to breathe deep and try control myself before continuing. "Straight to the barding, may I add."
"So? A knife, a bullet, it's all the same, pain is pain."
"Not this knife. Feels worse."
She helped me off the floor and back onto my hooves, before I fell back down to the floor once more.

"I'm going to have to use a healing potion on you like that then, here, drink this."
With that, she grabbed one of her potions and levitated it to my mouth, I swallowed the whole lot in one go and was glad to feel the warm, calming sensation begin to ease the pain.
My leg began to heal up somewhat, but it was obvious that it was going to take more then a single healing potion.
Looks better. As long as there is some variety between battle results, the story is more interesting.
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by Kippershy on Tue Jul 10, 2012 5:36 pm

This chapter is going to break the mould in terms of battle results.
Lets put it this way; this is the fight they come better off out of in.
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by Kippershy on Sun Jul 15, 2012 5:03 pm

'Chapter 11: Hardship' has just been released.


A big thank you goes out to Swicked for the advice on how to make fight scenes a lot better!
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by Ketchup on Sun Jul 15, 2012 8:18 pm

Review.
Spoiler:
Opening with what I assume is Latin. Personally, I love learning about Latin.

Cuddling, cuddling, and more cuddling.

Oh, yeah, he didn't tell her about Cherished.

"Cherry squeezed herself around me in delight and I couldn't help but grin. She was going to be an amazing mother for Cherry, I just knew it."
If this isn't a mistake, time travel is likely to be involved.

"Don't give out any caps, what so ever. Keep an eye on your saddlebags. Try not to get distracted by the mares, not for reasons to do with Cherry. Lastly? Try not to get into any fights around or with anypony, zebra, or donkey, wearing red and brown suits of armour."
Sounds like Freeside, but with AJ's Rangers about. I'm also going to guess that the chapter preview takes place there.

Coltchester is beginning to seem like a pretty nasty place, with all the perks. Moss, rubble, the works.

For some reason, I don't think those represent undermining Crimson's authority.

Coltchester is quite nasty indeed. And, they are gonna try to mug them.
A knife, a bat, and two unarmed... this is familiar.

"Unfortunately in my rush, the second shot also managed to hit Cherry and she fell down to her side from the shock of being hit"
Period required.

Y'know, if Maisy had walked in with them, none of that would have happened at all.
Including the charity, however.

Serrated knife. No wonder.

Asking for remembrance? I think there's more going on here than simple poverty...
And now Cherry is breaking down. everpony does sometime, I guess.

"Quite simply? My training It's a part of my job..."
I think there is a period missing after "My training".

The psychology of the sniped and the sniper are quite complicated. When snipers are captured by hostile forces, they are typically treated significantly worse than line soldiers, simply because they incur losses unpreventable by other members of the unit. Snipers need to dispense accurate fire on people, who are usually just serving their country, and not be cripplingly guilty afterwards. I guess, it might explode.

Somepony noticed the wings, and sounds rather angry because of them.
...Or, they want him to catch a pony. This could end badly.

"...my show of 'persuasion and looked at me..."
Missing the other apostrophe for persuasion?

The purple mare is a doctor. Neat. Followers?

D-Z-C sounds sinister. I knew there was something going on.

Uh oh...
Looks like the other foalsitter had Cherished.
Confirmed. And the Hoofington event appears to have reached here.
It appears that Cherished was an orphan, which means they can keep her.
Blessed Cradle might be a useful ally in the future.

"What she did is none of your business. What is important however, is that the my husband will be informed and the praetorians will be searching for her too, Best be quick if you want that bounty, Wings."
An unnecessary the before "my husband", and praetorians sound not-so-friendly.

This is going to get rough. And, his name is Wings... sorta.
Quite one sided, I say.

Now they are gonna start bickering about slaves and rights and whatnot. Sort of reminds me of a scene in one of the Star Trek: Titan books. An extra-galactic, genetically engineered human suggested that the non-humans aboard the Titan were slaves, because the Captain and first officer were both humans. This came from the fact that his offshoot of humanity had indeed enslaved other races.

"Your own work? We didn't have any bandaging though, did we?"
Bandages would have worked better here.

The Society uses servants, IIRC. Still slaves, though.

Telekinetic rape? Not a good idea, especially given that Cherry is there.

"Perfer et obdura; dolor hic tibi proderit olim,,, what the hell could that mean Cherry?"
Periods, not commas.

Cradle is back, being pursued by what I assume are those Praetorians.
The shotgun jammed? What a twist.
"The machine"? Sounds dangerous.
"I will never go back". Sounds like they may be slaves themselves.
Through a wing. Ouch.
20 more. Not good.
Maisy has crowd control down good.

"WHY... WHY IS THERE A MANTICORE HERE?!" I Heard Blessed scream at the top of her lungs.
Extra capital in heard.

Cradle fainted at the sight of a manticore. I guess they might be rare due to the large population in the area.
Robots. Going to bad again.
Lost Cradle. Hope she will be fine.

"Before I could spin my gun around on the others, a zebra robot smashed into my again."
My->me.

The bots pack quite a punch, I'd say.
Titan is there, and he's got pals with him. Yippee.

"The robots stood a better chance against Titan and his minigun, but even they found the unrelenting force of the bullets smashing into them alongside the clatter of assault rifles and the snipe rifle to be too much."
Sniper rifle.

And close with Titan bringing them home. The ones in the red and black turned out to be zebras.

Nice variety and style on the combat, interesting locales, and cohesive telling. Nice work.
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by Kippershy on Sun Jul 15, 2012 11:51 pm

Thank you. I've just gone and fixed all your listed errors, including adding a line to clarify that when I said the robots would have a better chance, it was meant that they'd last longer then squishy zebras.

Anyway, yeah. Thank you for picking up on all that, troubles of not using pre-readers and all that.
Glad I managed to hit the mark with what Coltchester is like, and this is just the beginning.
Very glad that the combat has improved for you.

Latin! Latin everywhere!



but yeah, thank you ever so much =3 means a lot for me to get a review like this.

sorry I ain't got more to say, lacking sleep massively and woke up earlier then planned -.-
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by Kippershy on Mon Jul 16, 2012 11:19 am

Now I'm back home from work and awake, I'll answer some things that came up for you.

Again, thank you for the error spotting - much much much appreciated. I simply can't find some of those things myself because my brain refuses to notice them after having wrote it all.
Trouble is that i also go through it myself as I work, I'll write a section and then read over it as I format it, meaning it's hard for me to have the mindset required to go back over it with a fine comb.


The outskirts of Coltchester, or more specifically, Slumside, is indeed influenced by Freeside. (I just made the name up on the spot from freeside right now, not some secret spoiler there)
Slumside is where the poorest live. It's the most commonly used entrance and exit from Coltchester though other ways in and out do exist.
As for the red/brown/black - that's not power armour, its zebra legion suits.


You've got a keen eye, is all I shall say for another point you make.


Just realised what you mean by the unnecessary 'the' before my husband. was meant to write "the centurion who happens to be my husband"...
fixing that now.


For the record, because I don't make it very clear:
The first group of soldiers who were chasing B Cradle were miles' aka standard soldiers.
However, one of them went running off - screaming for the attention of the Praetorian Guard (which is an elite fighting force group).

As for their cry of how they will never go back; Latin is a fickle language and doesn't quite translate word for word. To say they will never go back is to mean that they will not retreat - hope that one helps.

Manticores are scary fuckers even when you're used to them. They're not exactly all that common over in Coltchester.


The bots do indeed pack a punch, and if you think back to chapter eight...
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by Ketchup on Mon Jul 16, 2012 4:21 pm

I mistook them for AJ's rangers because their colors can be considered red/brown. I realized you were referring to Legion armor later on.

I thought "we will never go back" could mean that they were A: going to be punished if they did, or B: simply saying they weren't going to retreat. I considered both, but I guess the fickleness is the cause then.

I'll use more parentheses in my next review, that might make the corrections easier to spot.

Entertaining chapter, I say.
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by Kippershy on Wed Aug 01, 2012 4:41 pm

Finally got 12 out. forgot to say sooner.
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by Ketchup on Wed Aug 01, 2012 7:27 pm

Looks like I found something fun to do tonight. Have some review.
Spoiler:

Before reading, I realized I had completely forgotten what had happened in the previous chapter. I went back to my review of it and remembered what had happened almost instantly.

Good question. Where is he? Bound to find out.
Why would anypony strap his wings to him if they weren't trying to imprison him? Maybe they are damaged? I don't remember if that happened last chapter. Onward!
Uh oh. Ghouls. Rage button activate.

Invisible restraints. Sounds like unicorn.
Hello Titan.
"Worn down to patches of muscle"? Pretty severe damage, Titan ought to be a ghoul, was this established before? Forgive my lack of memory.
Blackjack needs to take the whole "Don't hurt the medical staff" tip under advisement, too.

Of course. Simple telekinesis.
Leg fractured? Can still walk? Lucky quadruped. If only DayZ were like this.
Who is Superhoof? Or what?

I'm starting to get the vibe that Titan is a fan of ghouls.
Titan makes a valid point. Some people look at all bronies and see cloppers. In DayZ, anyone who isn't a walking corpse is a sincere threat. Almost a direct analogy, except no Zs will bandage you up or snipe you. Just attempt to eat you.

A water talisman isn't something that is a small deal, even when compared to immediate needs.

"...KInd've sad, really. Anyway, yeah, I'll go get her for you now."
Extra capital in "KInd've".

Oh yeah, Cherry might be in worse condition.
Well, she can walk. That's good.

She's just fine. Jolly.
...And so are the rest of the friendlies.

Water talisman? Joy.
... But it's a "You need to do something for us first." deal. Love those...

Oh, okay. Titan's group are trying to liberate the region from the Zebras. And they need popular support from the general population. Could only turn out for the better for Coltchester, I suppose.
Now, how can they help?

Crimson is right. All the power is in the middle. Top just makes all the huge decisions, and just lets middle do it.

Looks like the leader's identity is a closely guarded secret. Wise, for a resistance group of any kind.
Eos? Didn't see that coming.
Titan is Silver, then.
More platonic Eos, Cherry is sort of dangerous when jealous, though.
And its at least partially unique to Crimson that Eos acts that way. Interesting.

9mm being quieter than a shotgun. Heh, I think I see some DayZ creeping in, although this is a valid point.

It appears that the perspective has shifted to Cherry.

Cherry's keen perception kicked in when she noted the lamentation.
Okay, definitely a ghoul. I'd forgotten.

An under-surface hospital? How interesting.
XL door, personnel. Maybe they had big androids or something?
"Iron Giant"? Hehe. What could that be?

Plan is to take out a few patrols as a show of strength. Could work pretty well.
Infiltration would be quite a bit easier with the aid of invisibility.
"Uh, well... I'm not too good with planning, I just lead the ponies in the fight..." Sounds like Blackjack to me.
Slave market sounds like a pretty good target, provided any attack goes well.
Lets just hope those will be smoke grenades, or support would surely drop.
Looks like Cherry has something big up her metaphorical sleeve.

Grabbing supply convoys are an excellent way to piss off any occupiers while gaining material and supportive strength. Great plan, if it works out, anyway.
Risk versus reward. DayZ is riddled with this, a core element.

"We traversed the tunnels with Titans scouts ahead of us,"
Apostrophe missing in "Titans".

Maisy is still around, good. If things go awry, she can help.

Ah, shopkeepers arguing like troubled siblings.
PSB is still around too, but not in a very radbit-safe environment.
A code-phrase! How neat.

Prise? What the heck is that?

Restriction of .5 caliber is pretty smart, especially if you want to keep any vehicles or people operating without fear of such a powerful munition.
This guy is going down somehow, its a fine thing to do, targeting him.

Somepony is in trouble. Won't go well.
Cherry isn't the sort to kill them though, I suspect at least one will survive. Somehow.
No. Looks like they will all be killed. Not such a pity.
And that went just as expected.

I wonder what she did to get on the DZC's bad side.
Fainting at mention of The Resistance? A perplexing result.

"...killed me Have them for free, it's the least I could to repay you."
Period missing after 'me'.

Robes will be useful, good that they got them for free, too. Karma.

"Titan had found one which would've fit him normally, but it had meant to be out've his armour."
"Out've" would mean "out have". "Out of" would work better here.

Good, they've recruited her. A seamstress would be very helpful, actually.

And... DRAMATIC CUT.
Overall, never disappointing. A very solid chapter, despite all the distraction I put you through(Sorry for that.) it came out very nicely. I look forward to more of this.
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by Kippershy on Wed Aug 01, 2012 7:49 pm

ketchup504 wrote:Looks like I found something fun to do tonight. Have some review.
Spoiler:

Before reading, I realized I had completely forgotten what had happened in the previous chapter. I went back to my review of it and remembered what had happened almost instantly.

Good question. Where is he? Bound to find out.
Why would anypony strap his wings to him if they weren't trying to imprison him? Maybe they are damaged? I don't remember if that happened last chapter. Onward!
Uh oh. Ghouls. Rage button activate.

Invisible restraints. Sounds like unicorn.
Hello Titan.
"Worn down to patches of muscle"? Pretty severe damage, Titan ought to be a ghoul, was this established before? Forgive my lack of memory.
Blackjack needs to take the whole "Don't hurt the medical staff" tip under advisement, too.

Of course. Simple telekinesis.
Leg fractured? Can still walk? Lucky quadruped. If only DayZ were like this.
Who is Superhoof? Or what?

I'm starting to get the vibe that Titan is a fan of ghouls.
Titan makes a valid point. Some people look at all bronies and see cloppers. In DayZ, anyone who isn't a walking corpse is a sincere threat. Almost a direct analogy, except no Zs will bandage you up or snipe you. Just attempt to eat you.

A water talisman isn't something that is a small deal, even when compared to immediate needs.

"...KInd've sad, really. Anyway, yeah, I'll go get her for you now."
Extra capital in "KInd've".

Oh yeah, Cherry might be in worse condition.
Well, she can walk. That's good.

She's just fine. Jolly.
...And so are the rest of the friendlies.

Water talisman? Joy.
... But it's a "You need to do something for us first." deal. Love those...

Oh, okay. Titan's group are trying to liberate the region from the Zebras. And they need popular support from the general population. Could only turn out for the better for Coltchester, I suppose.
Now, how can they help?

Crimson is right. All the power is in the middle. Top just makes all the huge decisions, and just lets middle do it.

Looks like the leader's identity is a closely guarded secret. Wise, for a resistance group of any kind.
Eos? Didn't see that coming.
Titan is Silver, then.
More platonic Eos, Cherry is sort of dangerous when jealous, though.
And its at least partially unique to Crimson that Eos acts that way. Interesting.

9mm being quieter than a shotgun. Heh, I think I see some DayZ creeping in, although this is a valid point.

It appears that the perspective has shifted to Cherry.

Cherry's keen perception kicked in when she noted the lamentation.
Okay, definitely a ghoul. I'd forgotten.

An under-surface hospital? How interesting.
XL door, personnel. Maybe they had big androids or something?
"Iron Giant"? Hehe. What could that be?

Plan is to take out a few patrols as a show of strength. Could work pretty well.
Infiltration would be quite a bit easier with the aid of invisibility.
"Uh, well... I'm not too good with planning, I just lead the ponies in the fight..." Sounds like Blackjack to me.
Slave market sounds like a pretty good target, provided any attack goes well.
Lets just hope those will be smoke grenades, or support would surely drop.
Looks like Cherry has something big up her metaphorical sleeve.

Grabbing supply convoys are an excellent way to piss off any occupiers while gaining material and supportive strength. Great plan, if it works out, anyway.
Risk versus reward. DayZ is riddled with this, a core element.

"We traversed the tunnels with Titans scouts ahead of us,"
Apostrophe missing in "Titans".

Maisy is still around, good. If things go awry, she can help.

Ah, shopkeepers arguing like troubled siblings.
PSB is still around too, but not in a very radbit-safe environment.
A code-phrase! How neat.

Prise? What the heck is that?

Restriction of .5 caliber is pretty smart, especially if you want to keep any vehicles or people operating without fear of such a powerful munition.
This guy is going down somehow, its a fine thing to do, targeting him.

Somepony is in trouble. Won't go well.
Cherry isn't the sort to kill them though, I suspect at least one will survive. Somehow.
No. Looks like they will all be killed. Not such a pity.
And that went just as expected.

I wonder what she did to get on the DZC's bad side.
Fainting at mention of The Resistance? A perplexing result.

"...killed me Have them for free, it's the least I could to repay you."
Period missing after 'me'.

Robes will be useful, good that they got them for free, too. Karma.

"Titan had found one which would've fit him normally, but it had meant to be out've his armour."
"Out've" would mean "out have". "Out of" would work better here.

Good, they've recruited her. A seamstress would be very helpful, actually.

And... DRAMATIC CUT.
Overall, never disappointing. A very solid chapter, despite all the distraction I put you through(Sorry for that.) it came out very nicely. I look forward to more of this.


First of all, thanks for the typos and such. Much appreciated!
Right, not got the time or energy for a full response, but basic stuff to remind you:


"Superhoof" is a type of zebra robotics technology, similar to a ponytron (ponies actually reverse engineered the ponytron from the superhoof and added a laser to it) which uses devastating unarmed attacks with enchanted gemstones inside to give their hits a pseudo explosion on contact.
(Basically, just makes them hit harder).
They're not as agile as a real zebra, but they're still somewhat agile, a bit tougher being mechs, and in most cases, stronger.


Titan is indeed a ghoul, pre-war variant.
his full name is::
Silver Shield... so yes, you have got it right.



Crimson's wing was pierced in chapter 11 by a throwing spear, and then the wing itself bandaged up by Blessed Cradle.
They patched it up further and strapped it to his side to stop unintentional damage by trying to use it before it's healed / during his sleep while he has no control over it.

His front right leg is indeed fractured, but when he was fighting he didn't notice due to adrenaline and the rest of his body hurting bad enough for it to not stand out.





there is more to say, but too tired. will respond more tomorrow.
Again, thank you. it means a lot to me.
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by Ketchup on Wed Aug 01, 2012 8:13 pm

Numbered by text breaks:
0: You are most welcome. I probably didn't get them all, though.
1: I see. Kind of like the ballistic fist, but replacing the shotgun with an shockwave-producing device.
2: Okay then. Silver Shield.
3: Thanks for the clarification.
4: This was explained by the story. I make the review as I read, so this might be the cause of some confusion that can be seen but isn't there.
5: Good night, and I appreciate your writing and am glad to review it for you.
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by Katarn on Thu Aug 02, 2012 12:50 am

Can't write good reviews, so will do, what I always do. Will try to find mistakes. Also, I was too lazy to do this in Gdoc.
Spoiler:

"Crimson, it's okay. You're being held down with simple telekinesis so I can talk to you without another incident where you knock yourself out in panic.
Missing end quote in the end.
"You don't go for a little over two hundred years in life without picking up some basic skills like that. You see so many ponies come and go, birth to death. You learn all the more simple stuff like this before you've even realised it. KInd've sad, really. Anyway, yeah, I'll go get her for you now."
mistype
"Auh, Let me finish. The top pony is a figurehead, a pony in charge to turn to in times of need, be it to blame or to seek deliverance. The middle is where the power is."
Either no coma there or you don't need capital 'L'.
"Uhm, Oh! The centurions wife! it's her birthday in ten days, it's a large public event. We could disrupt that, though security would be tight at the venue."
Capital 'I'

I think that's about it, what I've found. Sorry about review, I'm just not good at that thing.
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by Kippershy on Sun Aug 05, 2012 3:43 pm

2,460 words after 1 hour of writing... I don't call that bad progress.
Might actually get chapter thirteen out pretty damn soon at this rate. xD
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by Kippershy on Wed Aug 08, 2012 10:35 am

Be honest with me, how did this come out? LOL

I'm so shit at art.
Spoiler:




Last edited by Kippershy on Wed Aug 08, 2012 11:06 am; edited 1 time in total
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by Kippershy on Wed Aug 08, 2012 10:37 am

Hm. the transparency effect has made it... 'quite interesting'.

Unintended effect. obviously doesn't look too good inside the wings, though not too bad outside of that and the hair.
Easy to fix though.
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by Kippershy on Wed Aug 08, 2012 11:00 am

And the clean up.
Spoiler:


Last edited by Kippershy on Wed Aug 08, 2012 11:05 am; edited 1 time in total
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by Katarn on Wed Aug 08, 2012 11:03 am

Well...it's at least better, than what I could do with paint :D
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by Kippershy on Wed Aug 08, 2012 11:05 am

Hm, lets try that again. noticed a few more spots.

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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by Ketchup on Wed Aug 08, 2012 11:07 am

At least it looks like a pony, better than anything I could draw.
Maybe you should stick to writing, you are much better at that, in any case.
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by swicked on Wed Aug 08, 2012 11:13 am

Haha, that's cute! Nice work :)

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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by Kippershy on Wed Aug 08, 2012 11:25 am

ketchup504 wrote:At least it looks like a pony, better than anything I could draw.
Maybe you should stick to writing, you are much better at that, in any case.

Yeah, I really only did it to say: Here, this is why I don't draw (apart from the occasional background scene... like
Spoiler:

Which the above picture needs fixing itself, too. Anyway - yeah. I tell people I'm a writer not a drawer, but got told to try drawing anyway.

swicked wrote:Haha, that's cute! Nice work :)

Hah, thanks! =3 I'm glad it's at least cute, I kind've thought so myself.



edit: and when you click on it on my tumblr page, it takes another effect (like it showed on GIMP) and looks awesome in another way
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by Kippershy on Wed Aug 08, 2012 5:36 pm

I'm in need of one person who doesn't mind spoilers. I'm going to be putting this up on FIMfic too once it loads, but yeah.

One person is required to give a second opinion on a matter quite big. This spoiler is one of the biggest events of the story, and in essence, really needs someone who has read up to the current point to truly appreciate every aspect of the issue.

Thank you.
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by Ketchup on Wed Aug 08, 2012 5:39 pm

I wouldn't mind, where will it be? I'm not too great with feedback, though.
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by Kippershy on Wed Aug 08, 2012 5:47 pm

Where? as in, where to talk to you or where in story?

In story, it revolves around Coltchester, a specific part of Coltchester.
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by Ketchup on Wed Aug 08, 2012 5:51 pm

Where can I read it is what I meant. Sorry.
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by swicked on Sat Aug 11, 2012 8:50 pm


Starting again with chapter ten.
Spoiler:


Starting with a song? I don't recognize it...
She could only be found in cleaner environments? Is she stable?
And hmm... cute. I wonder if my views on cute are well-enough known by now?


...wow, the foal just pulled a feather out? You remember that episode when Rainbowdash was looking for a pet? She got a one (or maybe more than one) feather stuck under a rock and she absolutely couldn't pull away from it. Not like it's a big issue... I'm just being chatty.


A necklace for a baby. Huh...


I had never known what having a child was like, but within these few moments, I understood why everypony who was anything decent of a parent had said it was something truly special.
...


That was when I saw what truly made my heart soar, and what inspired me to grab Stitch right there and give her the most impassioned kiss I could muster as she blushed.
It'd be funny if he was bi and had this reaction every time someone did something incredibly nice for him :P
At the same time I think it'd be funny if he went for a kiss and got judo-ed XD


Temptation struck me all over as I felt my package harden.


Double Stitch made her way over to the table and pulled the sewing kit out of her pockets
Saddlebags, I think.


It was painfully obvious she had a crush on me, and to be fair, what pony didn't around here? Mares and bucks alike wanted to be with me because I was exotic and had power.
It’s true! :o


I don't get this whole brahmin-goddess thing. Why would she allow a being that disturbs her children continue to exist? I just don't get this...


"Here's my offer. I invest one hundred and fifty caps and pay one hundred caps for six grenades. You'll be getting one hundred and sixty caps 'free' this way"
"In the mean time, we will accept ninety caps for six grenades, and will talk about the extra one hundred and sixty."
???
I wonder how far ahead these brahmin were after giving the 30% discount and selling all that ammo.


Around here, only five of the twenty of us sent were upset over the news. Ten didn't really care either way. Myself and four others though? We cheered. It's been too long since someone beat her, and never has anyone gone to the extent you did."
What, did he take a census? XD
By the way, after the fight I personally would have found it funny of Crimson's mom then had Sunburn executed for threatening the life of the soon-to-be heir to the overmare throne :P


Not all ghouls are daemons
Are you sure you don't mean demons? Is this an english spelling thing? Because daemons aren't evil... they're more neutral, even helpful. Which is why the term is used in software for a program that helps run your computer but isn't visible.


"Thus is why you were chosen, Crimson. Too many leaders send their minions without trying themselves. Too many do not understand the hardships of those at the bottom. You put yourself at risk for the betterment of others."

I looked into her eyes, amazed by what she had said. I wasn't sure if I should've felt, this wasn't something I was doing for glory.
Drawing a deep breath, I let out a following sigh. She was right, too many leaders did just allow those under them to go into the dangerous situations without having any understanding of the risks themselves, I couldn't be one of those leaders.
Dude, you're not a leader yet. You're a soon-to-be-leader. And she's insulting your mom. Not cool.


In a surprising act of generosity and kindness, Eos levitated me over to the sofa where she sat and laid my head on her side. I felt my cheeks burning like a wildfire under the sudden comforting touch and unexpected intimacy.
Come on, it's not like she suddenly kissed you passionately out of nowhere or anything...


Project Horizons stuff about ghouls I already knoooooooow.
Oh, and pretty words for Cherry. Huh.
...then switch to Cherry for the reading.
Romance is not my fort, eh?


End of chapter. A talkative one. Play with baby, flirt with mare, trade with bramin, gloat with soldier, learn from alicorn, write to mate. It was all a bit filler-y. Not bad, but... I'm not sure what's been accomplished in this chapter. But whatevs.

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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by swicked on Sat Aug 11, 2012 9:05 pm


Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you.
Eh... one always hopes pain has a purpose. Most pain is pointless, though.
And experiencing pain due to having to experience it later is... eh.
(Oh, and chapter eleven now)

Spoiler:

...a beautiful warmth of kindness radiating from the curves around her face.
Curves around her face. I don't get it.


I too raised up and stroked him from head to tail a few times with my wing, doing my best to show him that I was friendly despite being the cause of his life changing drastically.
Crimson: "Okay, yes, I killed your brothers and sisters, your parents and friends, everyone you ever cared about, and would kill you too if Cherry hadn't asked me not to... but does that really mean we can't be friends?"
Radbit: >:|
Crimson: "Okay, fine, if you HAVE to hold a grudge..."


Maisy was in the hotel room? How did she fit?
My the way, Macy is the name of my cat. I rather enjoy this choice of name.
...I am a bit confused about her intelligence, though. Later on she is embarassed when Crimson brings up that he saw her mating. Is she even an animal, then? Why call her a pet?


"You've got one choice now." I began in my cold, heavy tone. "You get back on the floor, or you get back on the floor. How you go about that is up to you, if it's in a bloody mess, so be it."
Lemme rewrite this a bit:
Crimson: "You have two choices. Get back on the ground, or get back on the ground."
Mare: "Okay, ok-"
Crimson: "How you go about that is up to you."
Mare: "I got it, either willingly or you-"
Crimson: "If it's in a bloody mess, so be it."
Mare: "I understood you the first ti-!"
Crimson: "Meaning I'd shoot you, and then you'd lie down because you'd be dead."
Mare: "Look, I got it, would you stop interrup-!"
Crimson: "The other option is to lay down willingly, so that I then wouldn't have shot you."
Mare: *looks at Cherry* "Can he not hear me or someth-"
Crimson: "Though I guess that would technically be the first option, since being shot is the second."
Cherry: *sigh* "He's just in a thing right now. Give him a bit, he'll finish soon enough."
Crimson. "Regardless, I'm saying is..."


"Cherry, keep that. I want you to hold onto that knife and remember... justice. Justice is what these ponies have just received - not murder.
...defending yourself isn't justice. Justice is impartial. Justice is cold. Justice is a quick shot of poison months to years after the crime that made the shot "neccessary". Defending yourself, in the heat of the moment, blowing off the head of someone who is actively attacking you... that's just that. Defending yourself. You're not judge dread.
In any case, nice job with the consequences of a fight.


That mare asking you to track down the other mare... I dunno. Kinda shady... might just have wanted Crimson to split up with Cherry. Who did Maisy stick with?


Twenty caps and your promise that you'll not hand me in to her and I'll patch it right now."
I stared in utter shock but nodded, taking twenty five caps out and handing them to her.
Maaaaaath.


Ooooo, crap. THOSE foals. Right. Well, nice how Chance never had a name. I guess that indicates she never had any godparents, and this foalsitter is pretty bad for never having named her anything.


Oh, there's Maisy. Just still skulking and sulking.


Crimson: Oh, look! An old, grumpy lady! Let's smash her face in!


Four Ridges truly was a place of prosperity where even the poorest of ponies had somewhere to call their own and the ability for basic things like food and water, if not luxuries and entertainment.
"Four Ridges? You're kidding me right? They wouldn't let us in, we don't have the caps, even if it doesn't need anything like Tenpony Tower does!"
Hint hint, Crimson. If they took EVERYONE in, how would EVERYONE have a home, enough food and water, and perhaps more? Methinks you're not as aware of what goes on in your empire as you think...


"Nope, not my work. No we don't have any though. The mare who I was sent to chase did it for me, part of our agreement and discussion for me letting her go once I'd managed to catch her."
And for a price no steeper than her own head!


There was no way I was going to be able to bring it back to the table now unless something truly horrible happened.
Foreshadowing much?


Before either of us could react the bright yellow mare had already began to use her magic to gently brush my testicles and coax my already tempted member out from its sheath. I pulled back in shock but found her pulling softly on my penis, encouraging it to expand with strokes of magic brushing against it.


These entirely unarmored and barely equipped zebra legeoneers are absurd...
The unharmed one had kept his distance the entire time but now he had climbed up atop of some scrap that littered the landscape and threatened to jump down atop of us.
Oh no! What a nightmare!


The sensation I felt was beyond that of pain. The sensation of the spear as it pierced through the soft tissue of my wings burnt my whole left side, bringing my crashing down to the ground in a heap of metal and pony below.
My screaming multiplied by my helmet, I couldn't feel anything other then the complete and utter agony of where there was now a jagged hole in my wing.
It flew THROUGH it? Gezz, those zebra hurl things hard. Spears usually just stick into stuff... I dunno how much it would have mattered if it HAD struck bone, though. Project Horizons canon is that the wings are crazy strong, right? Like... stronger than any of the other limbs.


[quote}Three of them dropped dead as they walked, her bullet going straight through each of their heads as they marched in line, one by one their brains splattering the one behind until the bullet caught inside the skull of the third.[/quote]These zebra were too dumb to live, anyway.
It looked like things were going to be okay for us as Maisy seemed to be able to ignore their hoof to hoof attacks with stunning endurance.
And, luckily, don't seem quite at punching-through-steel level zebra martial arts.


"With a cry of horror and anger mixed together, the zebras charged." "With little effort, almost half their entire force as on the floor with one gigantic swipe, the zebras in absolute confusion as to what was happening." "A loud bang rang through and the zebras all stared at me in shock, apparently executing your foe in the middle of a battleground was some kind of war crime." "A cheer from his followers lifted my spirits as I saw the alarm and shock in the zebra's faces." "The remaining zebra force ran, screaming for their lives as their numbers dwindled from many to few."
Quite the bad day to be a zebra. The little guys were shocked no less than five times in maybe five minutes.


The combat in this chapter has been highly influenced by Swicked from Cloudsville - a friend of mine and fellow member of the Project Horizons Comment Crew. Thanks for the insight on how to make it better!
D'aww, t'weren't nothin' special...


Good chapter! New enemy, elaboration on characters, closing of plot threads, all that good stuff. Noice jorb :P

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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by Kippershy on Sun Aug 12, 2012 1:14 am

Absolutely wonderful reviews, thank you.
I'll respond on your points as soon as I'm back from work, explain some little things and note down anything I need to change in-story to make more sense.
Once again, thank you ever so much, you're amazing for this :)
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by Kippershy on Sun Aug 12, 2012 1:11 pm

swicked wrote:
Starting again with chapter ten.
Spoiler:


Starting with a song? I don't recognize it...
She could only be found in cleaner environments? Is she stable?
And hmm... cute. I wonder if my views on cute are well-enough known by now?


...wow,
the foal just pulled a feather out? You remember that episode when
Rainbowdash was looking for a pet? She got a one (or maybe more than
one) feather stuck under a rock and she absolutely couldn't pull away
from it. Not like it's a big issue... I'm just being chatty.


A necklace for a baby. Huh...


I
had never known what having a child was like, but within these few
moments, I understood why everypony who was anything decent of a parent
had said it was something truly special.
...


That
was when I saw what truly made my heart soar, and what inspired me to
grab Stitch right there and give her the most impassioned kiss I could
muster as she blushed.
It'd be funny if he was bi and had this
reaction every time someone did something incredibly nice for him :P
At the same time I think it'd be funny if he went for a kiss and got judo-ed XD


Temptation struck me all over as I felt my package harden.


Double Stitch made her way over to the table and pulled the sewing kit out of her pockets
Saddlebags, I think.


It
was painfully obvious she had a crush on me, and to be fair, what pony
didn't around here? Mares and bucks alike wanted to be with me because I
was exotic and had power.
It’s true! :o


I
don't get this whole brahmin-goddess thing. Why would she allow a being
that disturbs her children continue to exist? I just don't get this...


"Here's
my offer. I invest one hundred and fifty caps and pay one hundred caps
for six grenades. You'll be getting one hundred and sixty caps 'free'
this way"
"In the mean time, we will accept ninety caps for six grenades, and will talk about the extra one hundred and sixty."
???
I wonder how far ahead these brahmin were after giving the 30% discount and selling all that ammo.


Around
here, only five of the twenty of us sent were upset over the news. Ten
didn't really care either way. Myself and four others though? We
cheered. It's been too long since someone beat her, and never has anyone
gone to the extent you did."
What, did he take a census? XD
By
the way, after the fight I personally would have found it funny of
Crimson's mom then had Sunburn executed for threatening the life of the
soon-to-be heir to the overmare throne :P


Not
all ghouls are daemons
Are you sure you don't mean demons? Is
this an english spelling thing? Because daemons aren't evil... they're
more neutral, even helpful. Which is why the term is used in software
for a program that helps run your computer but isn't visible.


"Thus
is why you were chosen, Crimson. Too many leaders send their minions
without trying themselves. Too many do not understand the hardships of
those at the bottom. You put yourself at risk for the betterment of
others."

I looked into her eyes, amazed by what she had said. I
wasn't sure if I should've felt, this wasn't something I was doing for
glory.
Drawing a deep breath, I let out a following sigh. She was
right, too many leaders did just allow those under them to go into the
dangerous situations without having any understanding of the risks
themselves, I couldn't be one of those leaders.
Dude, you're not a
leader yet. You're a soon-to-be-leader. And she's insulting your mom.
Not cool.


In
a surprising act of generosity and kindness, Eos levitated me over to
the sofa where she sat and laid my head on her side. I felt my cheeks
burning like a wildfire under the sudden comforting touch and unexpected
intimacy.
Come on, it's not like she suddenly kissed you
passionately out of nowhere or anything...


Project Horizons stuff about ghouls I already knoooooooow.
Oh, and pretty words for Cherry. Huh.
...then switch to Cherry for the reading.
Romance is not my fort, eh?


End
of chapter. A talkative one. Play with baby, flirt with mare, trade
with bramin, gloat with soldier, learn from alicorn, write to mate. It
was all a bit filler-y. Not bad, but... I'm not sure what's been
accomplished in this chapter. But whatevs.
swicked wrote:
Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you.
Eh... one always hopes pain has a purpose. Most pain is pointless, though.
And experiencing pain due to having to experience it later is... eh.
(Oh, and chapter eleven now)

Spoiler:

...a
beautiful warmth of kindness radiating from the curves around her
face.
Curves around her face. I don't get it.


I
too raised up and stroked him from head to tail a few times with my
wing, doing my best to show him that I was friendly despite being the
cause of his life changing drastically.
Crimson: "Okay, yes, I
killed your brothers and sisters, your parents and friends, everyone you
ever cared about, and would kill you too if Cherry hadn't asked me not
to... but does that really mean we can't be friends?"
Radbit: >:|
Crimson: "Okay, fine, if you HAVE to hold a grudge..."


Maisy was in the hotel room? How did she fit?
My the way, Macy is the name of my cat. I rather enjoy this choice of name.
...I
am a bit confused about her intelligence, though. Later on she is
embarassed when Crimson brings up that he saw her mating. Is she even an
animal, then? Why call her a pet?


"You've
got one choice now." I began in my cold, heavy tone. "You get back on
the floor, or you get back on the floor. How you go about that is up to
you, if it's in a bloody mess, so be it."
Lemme rewrite this a
bit:
Crimson: "You have two choices. Get back on the ground, or get back on the ground."
Mare: "Okay, ok-"
Crimson: "How you go about that is up to you."
Mare: "I got it, either willingly or you-"
Crimson: "If it's in a bloody mess, so be it."
Mare: "I understood you the first ti-!"
Crimson: "Meaning I'd shoot you, and then you'd lie down because you'd be dead."
Mare: "Look, I got it, would you stop interrup-!"
Crimson: "The other option is to lay down willingly, so that I then wouldn't have shot you."
Mare: *looks at Cherry* "Can he not hear me or someth-"
Crimson: "Though I guess that would technically be the first option, since being shot is the second."
Cherry: *sigh* "He's just in a thing right now. Give him a bit, he'll finish soon enough."
Crimson. "Regardless, I'm saying is..."


"Cherry,
keep that. I want you to hold onto that knife and remember... justice.
Justice is what these ponies have just received - not
murder.
...defending yourself isn't justice. Justice is
impartial. Justice is cold. Justice is a quick shot of poison months to
years after the crime that made the shot "neccessary". Defending
yourself, in the heat of the moment, blowing off the head of someone who
is actively attacking you... that's just that. Defending yourself.
You're not judge dread.
In any case, nice job with the consequences of a fight.


That
mare asking you to track down the other mare... I dunno. Kinda shady...
might just have wanted Crimson to split up with Cherry. Who did Maisy
stick with?


Twenty caps and your promise that you'll not hand me in to her and I'll patch it right now."
I stared in utter shock but nodded, taking twenty five caps out and handing them to her.
Maaaaaath.


Ooooo,
crap. THOSE foals. Right. Well, nice how Chance never had a name. I
guess that indicates she never had any godparents, and this foalsitter
is pretty bad for never having named her anything.


Oh, there's Maisy. Just still skulking and sulking.


Crimson: Oh, look! An old, grumpy lady! Let's smash her face in!


Four
Ridges truly was a place of prosperity where even the poorest of ponies
had somewhere to call their own and the ability for basic things like
food and water, if not luxuries and entertainment.
"Four
Ridges? You're kidding me right? They wouldn't let us in, we don't have
the caps, even if it doesn't need anything like Tenpony Tower
does!"
Hint hint, Crimson. If they took EVERYONE in, how
would EVERYONE have a home, enough food and water, and perhaps more?
Methinks you're not as aware of what goes on in your empire as you
think...


"Nope,
not my work. No we don't have any though. The mare who I was sent to
chase did it for me, part of our agreement and discussion for me letting
her go once I'd managed to catch her."
And for a price no
steeper than her own head!


There
was no way I was going to be able to bring it back to the table now
unless something truly horrible happened.
Foreshadowing much?



Before either of us could react the bright yellow mare had already
began to use her magic to gently brush my testicles and coax my already
tempted member out from its sheath. I pulled back in shock but found her
pulling softly on my penis, encouraging it to expand with strokes of
magic brushing against it.


These entirely unarmored and barely equipped zebra legeoneers are absurd...
The
unharmed one had kept his distance the entire time but now he had
climbed up atop of some scrap that littered the landscape and threatened
to jump down atop of us.
Oh no! What a nightmare!


The
sensation I felt was beyond that of pain. The sensation of the spear as
it pierced through the soft tissue of my wings burnt my whole left
side, bringing my crashing down to the ground in a heap of metal and
pony below.
My screaming multiplied by my helmet, I couldn't feel
anything other then the complete and utter agony of where there was now a
jagged hole in my wing.
It flew THROUGH it? Gezz, those zebra
hurl things hard. Spears usually just stick into stuff... I dunno how
much it would have mattered if it HAD struck bone, though. Project
Horizons canon is that the wings are crazy strong, right? Like...
stronger than any of the other limbs.




Three of them dropped dead as they walked, her bullet going straight through
each of their heads as they marched in line, one by one their brains
splattering the one behind until the bullet caught inside the skull of
the third.

These zebra were too dumb to live, anyway.
It
looked like things were going to be okay for us as Maisy seemed to be
able to ignore their hoof to hoof attacks with stunning
endurance.
And, luckily, don't seem quite at
punching-through-steel level zebra martial arts.


"With
a cry of horror and anger mixed together, the zebras charged." "With
little effort, almost half their entire force as on the floor with one
gigantic swipe, the zebras in absolute confusion as to what was
happening." "A loud bang rang through and the zebras all stared at me in
shock, apparently executing your foe in the middle of a battleground
was some kind of war crime." "A cheer from his followers lifted my
spirits as I saw the alarm and shock in the zebra's faces." "The
remaining zebra force ran, screaming for their lives as their numbers
dwindled from many to few."
Quite the bad day to be a zebra. The
little guys were shocked no less than five times in maybe five minutes.


The
combat in this chapter has been highly influenced by Swicked from
Cloudsville - a friend of mine and fellow member of the Project Horizons
Comment Crew. Thanks for the insight on how to make it
better!
D'aww, t'weren't nothin' special...


Good
chapter! New enemy, elaboration on characters, closing of plot threads,
all that good stuff. Noice jorb :P

===first chapter review===

This is the song the lyrics are from.
It's healed me and gotten me through a few bad times, all of the Frou Frou stuff has really.
Here's a live version of the singer doing it solo.
(The live version is just as beautiful, if not slightly more-so in a weird way. Both are absolutely astounding though.)



As for the feather part, I completely ignored the canon of that episode and allowed for it to work differently in my story, going for the more realistic approach of feathers being reasonably stuck in, but able to be pulled out with enough force. A pegasus' wings are indeed superior in toughness, but to me, they've still got some fleshy/weak parts after the bones and feathers, in small quantities, are generally weak enough to be picked out too.
Remember - it's also canon that baby unicorns have extremely powerful magic, thus allowing Cherished enough force to yank a feather out if I go by the headcanon of they can be pulled out.

Personally I viewed it [the episode] not as her feathers alone getting caught, but a part of her wing itself was caught under the rock too, thus explaining why she couldn't just pull the feathers out.

I know you say it's not a big issue, I just wanted to give you my thought process on the matter to explain.
And yes, a necklace for her. Crimson's father gave him his armour because when he stopped being a caravan guard and settled down with his mother at Four Ridges, he no longer had use for it. So it's a tradition for Crimson to hand down something personal.



DON'T YOU LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT. I KNOW THE TRUTH ABOUT YOU.
You just don't like to view yourself as embracing it is all.
-pokes tongue out-



Pockets because she's wearing utility barding - sorry for not detailing that. Saddlebags are more for a long journey or if you've got lots of tools and such to deal with, but for a small set of tools, pockets on a ulitity barding wil do.



I'll hand it to you, you make a very good point with the brahmin. I'll probably change it to 10% or something. As for how far ahead they can get from it, its just enough investment to allow them some slightly higher quality/quantity goods, allowing a chain reaction of profit.
So yeah, I'll reduce that down to 10% now you got me thinking about it.

As for why the godess lets them live? I never really put too much thought into that one, admittedly. I'll definitely open that up as a thread to be resolved, though. Had some ideas while at work today over the matter, even.



Heh, wasn't too much of a census as so much as noticing who reacted with what.
Though you did make me laugh with that, thanks.



Daemon and demon to me, are one in the same. Don't know if that's me being English and spelling paedophile the way I do over pedophile or if it is just that I'm wrong here. I'll go check now to be sure for you.
...Nope, turns out that I am okay with using the term daemon. A daemon can be good, neutral or evil, while a demon is more strict in being evil. Even still, they hold the same sort've meaning and daemon is just the ancient greek way of writing it.
So I was right, they are practically one in the same.



Oh, isn't he a leader? Does he not already lead his expedition from Four Ridges? He takes the reigns and leads them out, being guided by those who know the route but still making the big decisions.
Something of a spoiler, but not a full on spoiler:
True, he isn't the leader of Four Ridges, but you forget that all Eos can tell when she reads his mind is misty images --- she would have to have a lot of focus to know exactly what he is and isn't, something she's not had the chance to get yet.
For all she knows, he is the leader.

Yeah, I know she didn't kiss him or anything, but affection from an alicorn is still quite strange, don't ya think?

As for the Project Horizons info -- I know you know it, and I know the majority of my readers would know it, but what about the ones who don't? Even then, I shouldn't make this story just assume you've read other stories entirely. Yes I make references that would require you to know the first story and yes there are some more basic parts that you would need to know the basic layout for, but really I want this story to stand on its own four hooves as well, meaning some information has to be retold in a slight variation to make it make sense on its own.

Not saying that you're in the wrong for pointing that bit out -- just wanted to say that I don't want to be like; "hey, go read Project Horizons to understand what the fuck I'm talking about here, mmkay?"



Yup, pretty words for Cherry. I've got some more pretty words for her planned out, but they're for later in the story. Their relationship moves fast and I admit I wish it could be a little slower, but for what I envision and the restains of writing a story like this, I decided to go for the quick get together and quick bonding variation, with Crimson taking a page directly from my book and being a hopeless romantic once he actually cares for somepony - though in the past he's been quite the mares buck, he's never really felt this way before.



I will admit a lot of this chapter was filler, but I wanted it to be something fillery for Crimson to just be able to calm down with, something that lets the reader have a pause from big world building or combat filled moments. Don't get me wrong, I do like building the world and I do like having combat, but I also want it to have some lulls for both the readers and for the characters so it's not non stop in your face.





===onto the next chapters review===

Ah yes, pain. Most pain is indeed pointless, but the pain I'm going for in that motto is not a punch to the face type pain, but the pain of living in an oppressive wasteland, under a tyrannical governing body who makes your life hell in every way they can for their own benefit, leaving you with no other option to endure because to leave means certain, grissly death and to incite a revolution takes more then one set of hooves.




Curves around her face talk quite literally of the things like her smile, her eyes, her cheeks, jaw, ears, mane - all that. He's talking about how beautiful she really is on a superficial level.

...That is EXACTLY what's happening in the scene with the radbit, LOL. Well, almost. The radbit doesn't trust him like he/it does her, though.




Nah, Maisy was just outside. Within easy earshot as she was literally by the window. Another thing I fail to describe properly, it seems.
As for her intelligence, she's intelligent enough to understand and follow basic commands, enough so that she can feel embarrassment too - but not as far as being able to have a full discussion in return. She just understands basic language and can respond in her own way, seeing as she's been brought up her entire life by a pony.

I wouldn't quite call her smart enough for advanced military tactics, for example, though she does understand that attacking from behind generally works better, if that makes sense?




Oh god. I seriously love this part of your review. Absolute gold.
Would you ever mind if I used something like this in my story later on, giving you another mention in the credits for it?




Heh, for Cherry, self defence goes as far as it needs to before they stop. If they're willing to lay down their weapons and cease hostilities, she'll more then likely make sure that they can't simply use them against her a moment later and accept it as doing the wasteland a favour by giving it another chance.
To then kill them is something she doesn't like thinking about doing unless its necessary for the mission and safety of others, so to call it justice rather then self defence is something necessary for her.

Thanks though, I'm trying to think of all that stuff now it's been brought up in a way that I can actually work with it, rather than being told that my characters are too good in fights and they're all mary sue.



As for the math part - I know I made Crimson give her more, it was intentional. She asked for twenty to cover the cost, so Crimson gives her twenty five as an extra nudge to say "Hey look, I really am friendly."



Ah, you could say it was the fault of the foalsitters for not giving her a name, but personally I meant it as it wasn't the place of the foalsitters to give her one unless they could take her away and treat her like their own, which they couldn't manage in the end (as we all know) and as such, she remained nameless until Crimson took her in as his own.



"Crimson: Oh, look! An old, grumpy lady! Let's smash her face in!"
#crimsonlogic
Am i right, or am I right? Though seriously, he could tell that something wasn't quite right with her. Was written all over her with the way she spoke, I'd say.



You are very right in this point - Crimson is the pampered son of the leader, he's gotten by on his charm and charisma, using his wings to help out where needed and making public appearances to please people. It's true that there isn't the level of poverty in Four Ridges as there is in Coltchester, but it's also true that he doesn't quite realise how idealistic he's being by telling her to go where he lives, forgetting it's not all some walk in the park and you do need to pay your way in and have some kind've skill to live there.
Though again, it is also true that it's nowhere near as exclusive as Tenpony, it just requires actually having some kind've usefulness if you plan to move in, ya know?



Perhaps, perhaps not on the matter of foreshadowing. I want to write some stuff that never really goes anywhere while also writing stuff that will go somewhere, when it doesn't look like it will. As for if this is genuine or red herring, that of course won't be told.



Again, my poor description. They're not entirely unarmoured. As for their weapons, they have throwing spears for a temporary weapon and as zebras, they're more competant at hoof to hoof then they are with most other weapons.
Though true, these are soldiers who haven't had a lot of combat experience and thus their technique is... lacking.


As mentioned just now and earlier - yes, the zebras aren't very capable with most weapon types, and even lacking in experience, there's just some things they naturally do well. Throwing spears are one of their strengths, and again, through the fleshy, weaker part of his wing where there are no bones nor even castilege, just a fine, lightweight filler.
Some ponies (Stonewing) have thick, tough wings that would laugh at the spear which was thrown at Crimson, but his are mofr for finesse then endurance.
(Endurance 4)

Project Horizons canon is indeed that they're crazy strong, but I personally take it as that the bones and structure of the wings are the strong part - the filler being much more...
Well, if the structure of their wing were likened to their rump or spine, the filler of their wings would, to me, be their throat. Still strong enough, but relatively weaker then the former part.



Yeah, they're not very experienced zebra fighters. I could've thrown top level zebs at them, but this early on it would've been throwing a supermutant master at a level 6 character. (yes, that's her actual level ATM.)



Yep, zebras went on a routine mission to fuck some little shitbag up and found out - wait, this little shitbag is a teeny tiny bit tougher then we'd been told. Not only that, he has a manticore for support and just as our own support comes along, so does some old world figure with a fucking explosive minigun.
Little shitbag 1 - zebras 0.






Thank you for your reviews, and thank you for the positive comments! This really does mean a hell of a lot to me, it helps me go on knowing that someone is actually reading what I write and enjoying what I do.
I write so much but get so few reviews, it really does make it hard sometimes.
Glad I could hit the marks for you, hope you're enjoying yourself enough to continue out of actually wanting to rather then simply wanting to do it to make me happy.
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Kippershy
Lord of Derail

Posts : 3480
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Join date : 2012-05-09
Age : 26
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Character List:
Name: Crimson Wings / Cherry Sundae
Sex: Male / Female
Species: Pegasus / Unicorn

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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by swicked on Sun Aug 12, 2012 1:54 pm

Kippershy wrote:
DON'T YOU LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT. I KNOW THE TRUTH ABOUT YOU.
You just don't like to view yourself as embracing it is all.
-pokes tongue out-
I had never known what having a child was like, but within these few moments, I understood why everypony who was anything decent of a parent had said it was something truly special.

If your response to the former meant my response to the later, then... it's more how you said it. Shouldn't it be, like... "I had never known what having a child was like, but within these few moments, I understood how it was something truly special."?

You intentionally, or Crimson intentionally, brings up the topic of sucky parents and uses the experience of holding a child to feel superior to those who don't feel the way he does. It's just... odd. It feels out of place to me. Like looking at a painting and remarking that only idiots wouldn't find it amazing. Or something.
You take a fantastic positive and seed it with a bitter negative.
Maybe this is your own opinion seeping into Crimson's. Maybe it's Crimson's, having met many bad parents. I dunno. It set me back a bit, is all.

After all, even if a parent didn't find a baby such a special thing in and of itself, does that really mean they would be terrible parents? That they couldn't still love the child or something?
I just... didn't get it.


Oh, and with that old, grumpy slave owner mare. You state she has gray hair, I believe. I was imagining a cranky granny smith. I kinda wanted her to crumple under the hit and be yelling at Crimson as he ran away "Rapscallion! Come back here and help me up so I can beat the crap out of you!"

swicked
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

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