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Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by Kippershy on Sun Jun 10, 2012 7:14 pm

Aonee wrote:
Kippershy wrote:
Aonee wrote:
Kippershy wrote:
Aonee wrote:@Sixsome Wait until the PHRP crew comes. Crimson, Steawberry, Aonee, Crystalane, Midnite, Obsidian, Guard and Terra!

How many of those are female? >.>
I mean... I have had one person asking for Crimson to be bisexual, but...
It's an even spread between both genders. I'm certain they could make it work somehow. Oh, and ones a griffin.

Oh, okay! Well if another female is needed then Cherry can always be convinced that joining would be hilarious fun. LOL
I meant Cherry, not strawberry. *Facepalm*

bahahha. that makes more sense then!
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by Ketchup on Sun Jun 10, 2012 7:40 pm

swicked wrote:Random: you know how in fallout there are centaurs, being four or more legged mutated humans?

There should totally be Fallout Equestria "satyrs", being two legged mutated ponies.

Just a thought.
I think this is a good idea... but maybe some of them could have three legs. Centaurs are a mix of whatever the super mutants could catch and cram in to a vat of FEV, as such, brahmin, dogs, and other animals make up centaurs. Maybe put some griffin in there?
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by swicked on Sun Jun 10, 2012 9:30 pm


♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪
Flying away from reality
Whatever-ever happened to gravity?
I see it clear, a shooting star
And I'm really gonna sing it like da-da-da
♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪
Let's rock this chapter, shall we?

Spoiler:


"Apparently I was supposed to 'know my place', which was strange because usually it was the other way around."
I don't think I remember Crimson ever saying that to Cherry... so what does he mean?


His head felt like a radbit dropped a tree on it? They do that? How big are these things?
Also: I don't think they plug IVs into people's heads.


Hehe, I hope this zonkey becomes a character. He is pretty darn effective. Not easy to get alone when you're half zebra, let alone the other half being donkey, anyway.


Eh... weren't the only injuries Crimson took entirely superficial ones to his cheek? And some from the turrets... I think he got one in his side. And some beating about the head by Cherry. Though, with healing potions and all, I don't get why he's apparently unfit for battle...
I suppose Cherry might just be making possessive excuses, though.


Yo, didn't Crimson have special forces training? I don't get it. He told Cherry he did, others don't know it exists, he didn't know she was one, she didn't know he was one... what do they do? Are they all sleeper agents like this?


The independent township of Coltshire Commons
TANK MILITARY GROUP SITE BRAVO


Eh... crying, justifying... this is really not behavior fitting a special forces member. She could, at least, ATTEMPT to maintain some decorum...


Hmm... "At the grave". Pretty cool song... but short as heck.
"B C"...
Baby Cakes?


Hee... Raiders and Enclave and Rangers, oh my!


Skip ahead, two want him dead! Oh, is THIS ever going to end well...


Wow, they know what an alicorn is, yet they think they can take her? These two estúpidos.


Welp, red is dead.
See what I did there? I'm mighty proud of that, yes sirree bob howdy.
Good job, Kippershy. I'm definitely looking forward to the attack of the darkness in two chapters!

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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by Guest on Sun Jun 10, 2012 9:45 pm

swicked wrote:

♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪
Flying away from reality
Whatever-ever happened to gravity?
I see it clear, a shooting star
And I'm really gonna sing it like da-da-da
♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪
Let's rock this chapter, shall we?

Spoiler:


"Apparently I was supposed to 'know my place', which was strange because usually it was the other way around."
I don't think I remember Crimson ever saying that to Cherry... so what does he mean?


His head felt like a radbit dropped a tree on it? They do that? How big are these things?
Also: I don't think they plug IVs into people's heads.


Hehe, I hope this zonkey becomes a character. He is pretty darn effective. Not easy to get alone when you're half zebra, let alone the other half being donkey, anyway.


Eh... weren't the only injuries Crimson took entirely superficial ones to his cheek? And some from the turrets... I think he got one in his side. And some beating about the head by Cherry. Though, with healing potions and all, I don't get why he's apparently unfit for battle...
I suppose Cherry might just be making possessive excuses, though.


Yo, didn't Crimson have special forces training? I don't get it. He told Cherry he did, others don't know it exists, he didn't know she was one, she didn't know he was one... what do they do? Are they all sleeper agents like this?


The independent township of Coltshire Commons
TANK MILITARY GROUP SITE BRAVO


Eh... crying, justifying... this is really not behavior fitting a special forces member. She could, at least, ATTEMPT to maintain some decorum...


Hmm... "At the grave". Pretty cool song... but short as heck.
"B C"...
Baby Cakes?


Hee... Raiders and Enclave and Rangers, oh my!


Skip ahead, two want him dead! Oh, is THIS ever going to end well...


Wow, they know what an alicorn is, yet they think they can take her? These two estúpidos.


Welp, red is dead.
See what I did there? I'm mighty proud of that, yes sirree bob howdy.
Good job, Kippershy. I'm definitely looking forward to the attack of the darkness in two chapters!

Gotta say I love these reviews, maybe I should give broken bonds a shot.

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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by swicked on Sun Jun 10, 2012 9:56 pm

TheLastDefender wrote:Gotta say I love these reviews, maybe I should give broken bonds a shot.

My reviews bring all the boys to the yard
And they’re like, "It’s better than yours!"
Damn right, it’s better than yours
I could teach you but I have to charge...

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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by Ketchup on Sun Jun 10, 2012 10:22 pm

swicked wrote:

My reviews bring all the boys to the yard
And they’re like, "It’s better than yours!"
Damn right, it’s better than yours
I could teach you but I have to charge...
I'd have to agree. They certainly are.
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by Kippershy on Mon Jun 11, 2012 3:18 am

swicked wrote:


♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪
Flying away from reality
Whatever-ever happened to gravity?
I see it clear, a shooting star
And I'm really gonna sing it like da-da-da
♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪
Let's rock this chapter, shall we?

Spoiler:


"Apparently I was supposed to 'know my place', which was strange because usually it was the other way around."
I don't think I remember Crimson ever saying that to Cherry... so what does he mean?


His head felt like a radbit dropped a tree on it? They do that? How big are these things?
Also: I don't think they plug IVs into people's heads.


Hehe, I hope this zonkey becomes a character. He is pretty darn effective. Not easy to get alone when you're half zebra, let alone the other half being donkey, anyway.


Eh... weren't the only injuries Crimson took entirely superficial ones to his cheek? And some from the turrets... I think he got one in his side. And some beating about the head by Cherry. Though, with healing potions and all, I don't get why he's apparently unfit for battle...
I suppose Cherry might just be making possessive excuses, though.


Yo, didn't Crimson have special forces training? I don't get it. He told Cherry he did, others don't know it exists, he didn't know she was one, she didn't know he was one... what do they do? Are they all sleeper agents like this?


The independent township of Coltshire Commons
TANK MILITARY GROUP SITE BRAVO


Eh... crying, justifying... this is really not behavior fitting a special forces member. She could, at least, ATTEMPT to maintain some decorum...


Hmm... "At the grave". Pretty cool song... but short as heck.
"B C"...
Baby Cakes?


Hee... Raiders and Enclave and Rangers, oh my!


Skip ahead, two want him dead! Oh, is THIS ever going to end well...


Wow, they know what an alicorn is, yet they think they can take her? These two estúpidos.


Welp, red is dead.
See what I did there? I'm mighty proud of that, yes sirree bob howdy.
Good job, Kippershy. I'm definitely looking forward to the attack of the darkness in two chapters!

haha, again, you are truly amazing. thank you.
As for Crimsons training, I apologise for not making it clear - he's had extra (special) training but not special forces level training.
Where-as Cherry would be SAS he would be trained to the point of an officer or Staff Sargent or something - still more training then the others but not the same gruelling experience as spec ops.

I'll take a look at how I word it and see if it needs clarification.


same with IV drip to the head. I was supposed to change that to the back of the neck (spine)



edit: Oh, you'll learn more about radbits and their abilities soon.
Also, Cherry 'knowing her place' is a sign of his arrogance from being heir to leadership over Four Ridges.
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by Katarn on Mon Jun 11, 2012 3:45 am

@swicked
Song, that you mention, it's edited Two Steps From Hell - Starfall They got many good chords and tunes. If you wish, check their albums. Especially Legend and Invincible.
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by swicked on Sat Jun 16, 2012 2:41 pm


The following takes place between the reviews of chapters six and eight.

Spoiler:


You're definitely speeding things up, here. Kinda wondering when/where you're trying to have your fic exist.


The effects of Red Eye's death on Filly? Shit's going down, son! It's gonna be a war zone! Whatchu care about slave colonies, anyway?


"Ended up winning that fight when I held my gun to one of their ballsacks.”
I gave her a surprised look and instinctively recoiled in horror of the thought, but quickly realised just how necessary it would’ve been."
Hehehehehehehe


"Nudging her flank where there was dried blood for effect, she recoiled slightly in pain, obviously still sore."
*notices wound on girlfriend*
*pokes it*
#crimsonlogic

At least I get why she didn't hit him back. After all, she gave him a concussion last time.


""Hey! What are you doing!" Cried out Cherry.
"I'm the big bad enclave soldier, here to take what I want" I said in my most seductive voice."
*girlfriend fights off rapists*
*immediately try to re-enact attack as an erotic fantasy*
#crimsonlogic


"No buts."
I whinnied in response. "But... but... I like your butt!"
BUTTS ARE FOR POOPING!

I swear, I find the stupidest things funny sometimes...


Sigh... infodump. Water talisman still degrading, restate red eye is dead, what's going on with the caravans, etc... I get that the characters don't know it, and you should show instead of telling, but... I already know this stuff. I don't really care to be reminded of it a chapter after it happens...


Ha, I was right... Baby Cakes.
Also: yes, she totally slept with him for the sake of her duty. It's written in the special forces charter.
Rule 1: If you can, sleep with the person you're guarding as often as possible, and be sure to have protection; your standard-issue coltchester should do the job.


D'awwww... well ain't these two the special-est specialists in specialton...


"Give me one sec... right, that's 110.. 2-6.. 3-0.. Four-hundred caps please..."
"Crimson. Are you certain? We need some money!"
"Watch and learn haggling."
"Four fifty huh? Seems quite steep, especially when you're selling to someone who saved your town."
?!?
Fancy mathematics...

Also: megaswarm - clearly a legitimate unit of measurement :P


Teddy Bear Sentinel picnic? You don't say...


Oh! The end. Pretty good, slow in the middle, but pretty good.
I can't start eight right away
because I've stuff to do today
Despite how I might want to play
At this piiiiiicnic!

Chao!

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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by Kippershy on Sat Jun 16, 2012 2:49 pm

swicked wrote:
The following takes place between the reviews of chapters six and eight.

Spoiler:


You're definitely speeding things up, here. Kinda wondering when/where you're trying to have your fic exist.


The effects of Red Eye's death on Filly? Shit's going down, son! It's gonna be a war zone! Whatchu care about slave colonies, anyway?


"Ended up winning that fight when I held my gun to one of their ballsacks.”
I gave her a surprised look and instinctively recoiled in horror of the thought, but quickly realised just how necessary it would’ve been."
Hehehehehehehe


"Nudging her flank where there was dried blood for effect, she recoiled slightly in pain, obviously still sore."
*notices wound on girlfriend*
*pokes it*
#crimsonlogic

At least I get why she didn't hit him back. After all, she gave him a concussion last time.


""Hey! What are you doing!" Cried out Cherry.
"I'm the big bad enclave soldier, here to take what I want" I said in my most seductive voice."
*girlfriend fights off rapists*
*immediately try to re-enact attack as an erotic fantasy*
#crimsonlogic


"No buts."
I whinnied in response. "But... but... I like your butt!"
BUTTS ARE FOR POOPING!

I swear, I find the stupidest things funny sometimes...


Sigh... infodump. Water talisman still degrading, restate red eye is dead, what's going on with the caravans, etc... I get that the characters don't know it, and you should show instead of telling, but... I already know this stuff. I don't really care to be reminded of it a chapter after it happens...


Ha, I was right... Baby Cakes.
Also: yes, she totally slept with him for the sake of her duty. It's written in the special forces charter.
Rule 1: If you can, sleep with the person you're guarding as often as possible, and be sure to have protection; your standard-issue coltchester should do the job.


D'awwww... well ain't these two the special-est specialists in specialton...


"Give me one sec... right, that's 110.. 2-6.. 3-0.. Four-hundred caps please..."
"Crimson. Are you certain? We need some money!"
"Watch and learn haggling."
"Four fifty huh? Seems quite steep, especially when you're selling to someone who saved your town."
?!?
Fancy mathematics...

Also: megaswarm - clearly a legitimate unit of measurement :P


Teddy Bear Sentinel picnic? You don't say...


Oh! The end. Pretty good, slow in the middle, but pretty good.
I can't start eight right away
because I've stuff to do today
Despite how I might want to play
At this piiiiiicnic!

Chao!

Oooooops @ money part.
I edited that about four times >.> I'll go fix that now.
Thank you ever so much for noticing that.


edit: also, thank you for the review =3 so much appreciated and all that. really is.

and yes, lots of #Crimsonlogic
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by Kippershy on Sun Jul 01, 2012 2:40 pm

Chapter 10 released and apparently had one of my friends crying straight off the bat.
I feel tremendously honoured!

Also, I'm reworking the darkest scene of chapter 8 to be more graphic, moody and awesome in general, as it was admittedly quite rushed compared to all my other work.

In other related news, the release of chapter 10 means I've officially broken 100,000 words!
("102,681 words total")

Woohoo!

edit: a friend/fan of mine encouraged me to make a ask blog for the lulz it could generate.
So here, http://askcrimsonandcherry.tumblr.com/
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by Ketchup on Sun Jul 01, 2012 9:16 pm

Spoiler:

Going in, suddenly baby, then I remembered what happened last chapter.
Yellow and gold are interesting, I don't think I've seen/read of such a combination.

Magic powers abundant, wane before childhood. Got it. Also, Feathers+foal=D'aww.

"The way Chance looked at me with her gigantic, gorgeously green. Her eyes sparkled like emeralds as I held her in my hooves, smiling down at her little face before giving her a soft kiss to the nose."
Revise. I think you missed an "eyes" there.

Crimson Wings+Cherry Sundae=Cherished Chance
Can't believe I missed this. And Double Stitch is a seamstress, I take it?

This happens, every time...
*
Marvelous, Flak Jacket and Shrapnel Face. I wonder how ponies get such names.
Oh. They're a Brahmin. So are the guards, but how could they fight effectively?

Alicorns worshiping something else? Holy Cow!
Neat backstory to the BATTLE CATTLE. I guess the Goddess' guns didn't just go nowhere.
I don't know if I believe the story about Swig though. Something fishy here.

A lead on a talisman, but they sold it. To Steel Rangers. Damn.

*facepalm* Crimson is addicted to Med-X. Whoopee.

You missed a capital in Speed Scope's name.

I wonder if Cherry beat Sunburn, she seems to like a challenge.

I don't recall an operator, but whatever. He seemed frantic enough about Crimson's arrival. Stalker alicorn is stalking.

Stalker alicorn successfully stalked.
Rather bizarre that human mythology is in on this, but I'll play along.

Crimson being a special in the eyes of an alicorn is certainly odd.
Because he's good and selfless. Sure.
She seems to like being platonic towards Crimson.
Feral=no soul. Makes sense.

"even a raider knew that pulling a gun out on somepony was certain death and avoided it like a pool of radiation"
Reminds me of playing Day-Z. People like to just run around and kill other people, but you can easily be killed by the quarry.

PSB re-appears! Joy!

Anyway, I know how much you writers hate it when people say this, so sorry, but the chapter was good.
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by Regolit on Sun Jul 01, 2012 9:47 pm

Alicorns makes any story a 34% cooler. YAY, more EOS.
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by Kippershy on Mon Jul 02, 2012 3:26 am

ketchup504 wrote:
Spoiler:

Going in, suddenly baby, then I remembered what happened last chapter.
Yellow and gold are interesting, I don't think I've seen/read of such a combination.

Magic powers abundant, wane before childhood. Got it. Also, Feathers+foal=D'aww.

"The way Chance looked at me with her gigantic, gorgeously green. Her eyes sparkled like emeralds as I held her in my hooves, smiling down at her little face before giving her a soft kiss to the nose."
Revise. I think you missed an "eyes" there.

Crimson Wings+Cherry Sundae=Cherished Chance
Can't believe I missed this. And Double Stitch is a seamstress, I take it?

This happens, every time...
*
Marvelous, Flak Jacket and Shrapnel Face. I wonder how ponies get such names.
Oh. They're a Brahmin. So are the guards, but how could they fight effectively?

Alicorns worshiping something else? Holy Cow!
Neat backstory to the BATTLE CATTLE. I guess the Goddess' guns didn't just go nowhere.
I don't know if I believe the story about Swig though. Something fishy here.

A lead on a talisman, but they sold it. To Steel Rangers. Damn.

*facepalm* Crimson is addicted to Med-X. Whoopee.

You missed a capital in Speed Scope's name.

I wonder if Cherry beat Sunburn, she seems to like a challenge.

I don't recall an operator, but whatever. He seemed frantic enough about Crimson's arrival. Stalker alicorn is stalking.

Stalker alicorn successfully stalked.
Rather bizarre that human mythology is in on this, but I'll play along.

Crimson being a special in the eyes of an alicorn is certainly odd.
Because he's good and selfless. Sure.
She seems to like being platonic towards Crimson.
Feral=no soul. Makes sense.

"even a raider knew that pulling a gun out on somepony was certain death and avoided it like a pool of radiation"
Reminds me of playing Day-Z. People like to just run around and kill other people, but you can easily be killed by the quarry.

PSB re-appears! Joy!

Anyway, I know how much you writers hate it when people say this, so sorry, but the chapter was good.

Hahaha, thank you ever so much.
First of all - the grammar and typo stuff is always appreciated as since I do it alone, it's quite a task to notice every tiny bit as I go along.
The most help I ever reach out for is only very occasionally with my steamchat friends from 4chan /b/ about a particular words usage or one line of text - and that's usually no more then once per chapter, twice at the absolute top.


Now, things just to explain standard procedure for TMG since I'm not sure how to do it in story -- an operator is literally just the communications guy who sits at base and keeps tabs on any radio traffic / new orders and organises the team from there.
I'll do my best to explain it in story at some point, but yeah, an operator is just the guy who receives orders from home and dishes them out at a FOB.
Which, if you remember - TMG moved into the tower to protect the Commons and that's why he's there, part of the standard package.


Double Stitch is indeed a seamstress and she also does basic craft like necklaces and such, as seen. For the record, I added her nervousness and affections for Crimson as yet another reminder that when he goes home, he's far from a nobody. Mares and bucks alike admire his natural charm but also his seat of power.


Battlesaddles, stampeding charges and avoiding fights are how the battle cattle get by. They don't go looking for a fight but they can protect themselves if it's dire.


As for stalker alicorn, she does indeed like being platonic. The goddess is dead and all the alicorns have begun to think for themselves again. Nothing more I can say just yet.



Thank you. it means a lot to me, it really, really does.
and thank you for giving a good review of your thoughts, that also means a lot.
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by Ketchup on Mon Jul 02, 2012 3:50 am

It was fun really, I might do it again. My friend practically lives at my house on and off during weekends(and actually, all week now), and he hates FOE, so I can't do it then. Tis one of the main reasons I usually don't do them, this time, peace and quiet.
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by swicked on Fri Jul 06, 2012 8:04 pm


Startin' eight, ain't it great?

Spoiler:


Hmm... wanton slaughter of the adorable, followed by supreme levels of overkill. Not a bad way to start a chapter...


Step by step she made her way to the radbits just who were a good twenty-odd meters ahead of us.now.
"What you reckon she's going to do? Snap its neck or something?"
Do you mean snap their necks? If she's going to show how it's done, it'll have to be by killing more than one...


"Well... what about the rifle on her back? Think she'll use that as a golf club?"

...


What.


A gasp broke out of her mouth and her magic field came down, revealing herself once more with the radbit sitting on her shoulder.
Okay... what? She went invisible so as to not be attacked by them, right? But then she immediately places one on her shoulder, apparently unmolested. So... these aren't a danger to ponies? So why do they need to be killed? I just don't get this at all...

"Time to spread some bucks shot"
?

I felt bad for Cherry having to watch such an occurrence with her stance on killing, though thankfully she seemed to understand just as she said she had.
Telling, not showing... last I saw she was smiling and giggling. If she doesn't like it, say she looks sad and is cringing...

Cherry had used the time to start climbing up atop a nearby rock formation while the radbits slowly advanced towards Titan who had been keeping his gun motors revved and ready.
...what are these, zombies? Why do they want to go there so bad? You'd think they'd eventually start to get deterred...

Without warning, the radbits piled onto one another and produced a wall of fur that suddenly swallowed him whole.
A wall? Or was it a tower? I'm probably just getting stuck on semantics. In any case, interesting technique.
Strange how he survived it with minimal blood loss. These things are about as scary as a radroaches.


I had been out of the Stable and in the wastes for a week and already, I realised, I was becoming a killer.
I had taken up a job to kill hundreds of radbits for caps. I Instantly felt sick with myself.
But they're pests... and an imminent threat... Is your catchphrase going to become "I am not an exterminator" now?
...
This entire... scene... is a bit random. A bit much. And he WAS enjoying himself. He was laughing and making jokes while he blew them apart. I'm so confused at all of this...

Very few of the radbits had managed to escape the fire, and once six had done so I pulled out my pistol.
...yes, you are killing the radbits because it is necessary. Every last one. Even when they aren't even a threat anymore.
Four words, Crimson:
I. Don't. Believe. You.
Regardless of your contract you could have justified not killing them to the last head once they were no longer a threat.


There could probably stand to be some actions on the part of "Prince Snugglebums" here. For one, he appears to have been instantly domesticated by Cherry's touch, as he just sits on her shoulder now. For two, when Maisy asks to eat him, he doesn't even react. He's not apprehensive of her. He doesn't gloat when Cherry pulled the gun. I dunno...


Hmm.. decent enough backstory for our ghoul Titan, and Crimson's introduction to feral ghouls. A bit random, but let's see where it takes us...


Huh... Raping? Not eating? Are these raider ghouls instead of feral ones? That ghoul's gotta be pretty intact to be managing that...
Also: that family certainly moves fast, to entirely disappear like that after the two fillies fell.


Ah... NOW they are eating them. Is the one still raping one of them, or did it finish? If the later, ghouls are fast, in more ways than one...
All of her limbs seemed to be broken and she'd just been raped and eaten by two rotting, living corpses.
More than that... there were ten of them, right? Crimson took out two and the rest stopped to feast on the fillies.
As I went to pull the trigger however, I'd noticed that she'd stopped breathing and her eyes had sunken into themselves.
Eyes sink into themselves when you die?


Or... no. The rest of the ghouls moved on. The others don't seem to be as interested in raping, though.
Also: holy heck, do those ghouls and children move. Crimson is really fast, right? Plus pegasus, with their wings, tend to be just plain faster than moving across ground. Yet all of these ponies are so far away Crimson can't even hit them with SATs... though maybe his small arms skill is just too low...
And... where did that baby come from? Was that with the mare the entire time? Or hiding nearby? How was it missed by both Crimson and the ghouls?


My gosh... at worst, Crimson, it's your fault for not being faster. You didn't make any mistakes, otherwise. The instant you spotted them you went to help. Hopefully he'll work on being faster, now?
...actually, I guess the child killing might be enough to feel guilty about. You didn't actually end up doing it, though.
Also: those are some smart raiders, staying away just because of a glare. Clearly not Somber's breed...


...okay, fresh ghouls rape. I was wondering about that...


D'awwww... now they have a baby...
Also: perk is good, but might want to make that have a -15 to persuasion and barter as well. Or just have a drop in charisma overall, so as to effect all those social stuffs.


...anyway, I'm gonna be frank. Not your best chapter. Not at all... and not due to the grimdark. As you can tell by my review I felt confused a lot. Characters acting in jarring ways, a awkward placement of events... just stuff. All just my opinion, of course, and remember that lots of others said it was great in the comments section of the chapter, but yeah...
Your story's been pretty decent so far, so I hope this doesn't discourage you. I just really didn't care for this one. I'll start on the next chapter now.

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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by swicked on Fri Jul 06, 2012 11:27 pm


happy9

Spoiler:


Heheheh... I feel the grimdark in me rising. The anguish and fear is strong. This is a well written dream...
Pain! Betrayal and fate! The death of dreams and potential! Bwahahaaa!


a buck being raped by a gay raider
I wonder what kkat would think of that XD


...mmhmmm... So, killing a whole city of ghouls, you say? Interesting...
Also: pretty impressive how everyone is always able to tell what Crimson is thinking about. The guy has no pokerface whatsoever... how is it he's good at bartering, again? :P


Oh, this is classic. Just classic. Undermine imagined authority! Overthrow the egotist's system!


Hahaha! She sweet talked him in his sleep!
This romance is so strong it’s pushing me to song!
♫♪Here we go!♫♪

Now a mare who’ll mate on the very first date is usually a hussy
And a mare who’ll mate on the second date is anything but fussy
But a mare who will lay with you every day, head in clouds, feet on the ground
She’s a mare he’s glad he’s found, she is his Cherry
His Cherry, his Cherry, his Cherry, the mare he can’t forget
His Cherry, his Cherry, his Cherry, the best he’ll ever get
Trot her once just to raise the curtain
Trot around twice and he’ll be for certain
Be it anywhere in Four Ridges proper
She will never get sore if you beg and barter
Do re me fa so la si
Do si la sol fa mi re do
She’ll squeeze him once when he isn’t looking
He better squeeze back ‘for his butt is cookin’
Once more would be sublime
I could hardly blame him if they’re n’er on time
Do re me fa sol la si
Do si do
Now little ole Cherr's a no-mare as anyone can see,
Look at her now: she's a go mare who only goes for he.
She’ll squeeze him once when he isn’t looking
He better squeeze back ‘for his butt is cookin’
Once more would be sublime
I could hardly blame him if they’re n’er on time
Do re me fa sol la si
Do si do
His Cherry, his Cherry, his Cherry, the mare he can’t forget!
His Cherry, his Cherry, his Cherry, the best he’ll ever get!

"Some things you live for. Some things you have to fight for. Others? You have to be willing to die for."
"But... I don't wanna die!"
...the chapter quote for last chapter is in this one? Has that been going on the whole time? How would I not notice that...


Yay fight! I wonder if Crimson will one day get Grim Reaper's Sprint... he uses SATs a lot and tends to stick to one shot, one kill. It'd probably be a good fit.
Also: those guards suck :P


Wow, the mayor had the guards abandon the wall for a day (or more?) in favor of a round-the-clock shift staring down the manticore with rifles? What an idiot...


*recently got over a several days-long concussion*
*headbutts opponent with all his strength and speed*
#crimsonlogic


Mmk, finished! You know, I really liked the fights in this one... and a solid chapter overall. Good job :)

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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by Kippershy on Sat Jul 07, 2012 3:51 am

swicked wrote:
Startin' eight, ain't it great?

Spoiler:


Hmm... wanton slaughter of the adorable, followed by supreme levels of overkill. Not a bad way to start a chapter...


Step by step she made her way to the radbits just who were a good twenty-odd meters ahead of us.now.
"What you reckon she's going to do? Snap its neck or something?"
Do you mean snap their necks? If she's going to show how it's done, it'll have to be by killing more than one...


"Well... what about the rifle on her back? Think she'll use that as a golf club?"

...


What.


A gasp broke out of her mouth and her magic field came down, revealing herself once more with the radbit sitting on her shoulder.
Okay... what? She went invisible so as to not be attacked by them, right? But then she immediately places one on her shoulder, apparently unmolested. So... these aren't a danger to ponies? So why do they need to be killed? I just don't get this at all...

"Time to spread some bucks shot"
?

I felt bad for Cherry having to watch such an occurrence with her stance on killing, though thankfully she seemed to understand just as she said she had.
Telling, not showing... last I saw she was smiling and giggling. If she doesn't like it, say she looks sad and is cringing...

Cherry had used the time to start climbing up atop a nearby rock formation while the radbits slowly advanced towards Titan who had been keeping his gun motors revved and ready.
...what are these, zombies? Why do they want to go there so bad? You'd think they'd eventually start to get deterred...

Without warning, the radbits piled onto one another and produced a wall of fur that suddenly swallowed him whole.
A wall? Or was it a tower? I'm probably just getting stuck on semantics. In any case, interesting technique.
Strange how he survived it with minimal blood loss. These things are about as scary as a radroaches.


I had been out of the Stable and in the wastes for a week and already, I realised, I was becoming a killer.
I had taken up a job to kill hundreds of radbits for caps. I Instantly felt sick with myself.
But they're pests... and an imminent threat... Is your catchphrase going to become "I am not an exterminator" now?
...
This entire... scene... is a bit random. A bit much. And he WAS enjoying himself. He was laughing and making jokes while he blew them apart. I'm so confused at all of this...

Very few of the radbits had managed to escape the fire, and once six had done so I pulled out my pistol.
...yes, you are killing the radbits because it is necessary. Every last one. Even when they aren't even a threat anymore.
Four words, Crimson:
I. Don't. Believe. You.
Regardless of your contract you could have justified not killing them to the last head once they were no longer a threat.


There could probably stand to be some actions on the part of "Prince Snugglebums" here. For one, he appears to have been instantly domesticated by Cherry's touch, as he just sits on her shoulder now. For two, when Maisy asks to eat him, he doesn't even react. He's not apprehensive of her. He doesn't gloat when Cherry pulled the gun. I dunno...


Hmm.. decent enough backstory for our ghoul Titan, and Crimson's introduction to feral ghouls. A bit random, but let's see where it takes us...


Huh... Raping? Not eating? Are these raider ghouls instead of feral ones? That ghoul's gotta be pretty intact to be managing that...
Also: that family certainly moves fast, to entirely disappear like that after the two fillies fell.


Ah... NOW they are eating them. Is the one still raping one of them, or did it finish? If the later, ghouls are fast, in more ways than one...
All of her limbs seemed to be broken and she'd just been raped and eaten by two rotting, living corpses.
More than that... there were ten of them, right? Crimson took out two and the rest stopped to feast on the fillies.
As I went to pull the trigger however, I'd noticed that she'd stopped breathing and her eyes had sunken into themselves.
Eyes sink into themselves when you die?


Or... no. The rest of the ghouls moved on. The others don't seem to be as interested in raping, though.
Also: holy heck, do those ghouls and children move. Crimson is really fast, right? Plus pegasus, with their wings, tend to be just plain faster than moving across ground. Yet all of these ponies are so far away Crimson can't even hit them with SATs... though maybe his small arms skill is just too low...
And... where did that baby come from? Was that with the mare the entire time? Or hiding nearby? How was it missed by both Crimson and the ghouls?


My gosh... at worst, Crimson, it's your fault for not being faster. You didn't make any mistakes, otherwise. The instant you spotted them you went to help. Hopefully he'll work on being faster, now?
...actually, I guess the child killing might be enough to feel guilty about. You didn't actually end up doing it, though.
Also: those are some smart raiders, staying away just because of a glare. Clearly not Somber's breed...


...okay, fresh ghouls rape. I was wondering about that...


D'awwww... now they have a baby...
Also: perk is good, but might want to make that have a -15 to persuasion and barter as well. Or just have a drop in charisma overall, so as to effect all those social stuffs.


...anyway, I'm gonna be frank. Not your best chapter. Not at all... and not due to the grimdark. As you can tell by my review I felt confused a lot. Characters acting in jarring ways, a awkward placement of events... just stuff. All just my opinion, of course, and remember that lots of others said it was great in the comments section of the chapter, but yeah...
Your story's been pretty decent so far, so I hope this doesn't discourage you. I just really didn't care for this one. I'll start on the next chapter now.

Thank you. I was planning on doing a minor rewrite on eight as it was, and had started rewriting the ghoul scene before I lost 70% of what I'd done.
As for the rest of the scene, I'll definitely look over it and revise parts to be better when I can and have the proper frame of mind for revising work.

Just as a trivial piece of information which I should've added in the story; Prince Snugglebums is a baby - hence he doesn't quite understand the same as an adult radbit.
As for why they're considered dangerous to ponies, they're not alone and nor are they a direct threat unless they swarm and crush you (literally) with their numbers - but they often eat fortifications which is just as bad.

Lastly, I'll have to make it clearer just how far he is. He had to use Cherry's scope to get a proper look at the ghouls and that's even with pegasus eyesight (an idea I'm stealing straight from Somber because that sounds awesome to say that pegasus have slightly keener eyesight then others, due to their ability of flight and therefore need of it).
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by swicked on Sat Jul 07, 2012 4:09 am

Kippershy wrote:Thank you. I was planning on doing a minor rewrite on eight as it was, and had started rewriting the ghoul scene before I lost 70% of what I'd done.
As for the rest of the scene, I'll definitely look over it and revise parts to be better when I can and have the proper frame of mind for revising work.

Just as a trivial piece of information which I should've added in the story; Prince Snugglebums is a baby - hence he doesn't quite understand the same as an adult radbit.
As for why they're considered dangerous to ponies, they're not alone and nor are they a direct threat unless they swarm and crush you (literally) with their numbers - but they often eat fortifications which is just as bad.

Lastly, I'll have to make it clearer just how far he is. He had to use Cherry's scope to get a proper look at the ghouls and that's even with pegasus eyesight (an idea I'm stealing straight from Somber because that sounds awesome to say that pegasus have slightly keener eyesight then others, due to their ability of flight and therefore need of it).
Thank you for taking it so well, as well as clarifying a bit. I really didn't want to discourage you with the critisism but I also though it'd be a disservice to overly censor what I honestly was thinking while I was reading. I look forward to reading your revised chapter when you're finished with it :)

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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by Kippershy on Sat Jul 07, 2012 4:12 am

swicked wrote:
happy9

Spoiler:


Heheheh... I feel the grimdark in me rising. The anguish and fear is strong. This is a well written dream...
Pain! Betrayal and fate! The death of dreams and potential! Bwahahaaa!


a buck being raped by a gay raider
I wonder what kkat would think of that XD


...mmhmmm... So, killing a whole city of ghouls, you say? Interesting...
Also: pretty impressive how everyone is always able to tell what Crimson is thinking about. The guy has no pokerface whatsoever... how is it he's good at bartering, again? :P


Oh, this is classic. Just classic. Undermine imagined authority! Overthrow the egotist's system!


Hahaha! She sweet talked him in his sleep!
This romance is so strong it’s pushing me to song!
♫♪Here we go!♫♪

Now a mare who’ll mate on the very first date is usually a hussy
And a mare who’ll mate on the second date is anything but fussy
But a mare who will lay with you every day, head in clouds, feet on the ground
She’s a mare he’s glad he’s found, she is his Cherry
His Cherry, his Cherry, his Cherry, the mare he can’t forget
His Cherry, his Cherry, his Cherry, the best he’ll ever get
Trot her once just to raise the curtain
Trot around twice and he’ll be for certain
Be it anywhere in Four Ridges proper
She will never get sore if you beg and barter
Do re me fa so la si
Do si la sol fa mi re do
She’ll squeeze him once when he isn’t looking
He better squeeze back ‘for his butt is cookin’
Once more would be sublime
I could hardly blame him if they’re n’er on time
Do re me fa sol la si
Do si do
Now little ole Cherr's a no-mare as anyone can see,
Look at her now: she's a go mare who only goes for he.
She’ll squeeze him once when he isn’t looking
He better squeeze back ‘for his butt is cookin’
Once more would be sublime
I could hardly blame him if they’re n’er on time
Do re me fa sol la si
Do si do
His Cherry, his Cherry, his Cherry, the mare he can’t forget!
His Cherry, his Cherry, his Cherry, the best he’ll ever get!

"Some things you live for. Some things you have to fight for. Others? You have to be willing to die for."
"But... I don't wanna die!"
...the chapter quote for last chapter is in this one? Has that been going on the whole time? How would I not notice that...


Yay fight! I wonder if Crimson will one day get Grim Reaper's Sprint... he uses SATs a lot and tends to stick to one shot, one kill. It'd probably be a good fit.
Also: those guards suck :P


Wow, the mayor had the guards abandon the wall for a day (or more?) in favor of a round-the-clock shift staring down the manticore with rifles? What an idiot...


*recently got over a several days-long concussion*
*headbutts opponent with all his strength and speed*
#crimsonlogic


Mmk, finished! You know, I really liked the fights in this one... and a solid chapter overall. Good job :)

Well I'm glad this one was more enjoyable for you! Thank you for the compliment on the dream, I really wanted something to crack open the way he'd feel inside and the horror of it all.

The guy is good at bartering because he's got charm. He doesn't rely on deception to barter but instead uses manipulation.
Though it's true that he's often been pretty easy to read as of late.

She? He sweet talked her into letting him get more sleep, you mean? Or do you mean she sweet talked with him in his sleep?
Either way, absolutely adorable song conversion there xD

There's another instance of that - but it's not come to fruition yet.
As for the mayor and the wall - she still had guards, but they were all told to stand down on under Crimsons orders until she'd at least delivered the package.
It was only then she decided to go aggro on it.
...Which is another thing I'll have to edit into the story. This is the trouble with being stubborn and not using pre-readers, everything makes enough sense in my head to continue but may not in others.


Crimson wouldn't be Crimson without #Crimsonlogic
Would he now? Haha.

Anyway, glad you liked the fights and glad you liked the chapter as a whole. Thank you for your reviews, they always give me good information and actually let me know what needs to be improved.
I've got about three people who regularly read as soon as it's released and spot any grammar mistakes or spelling typos - but unless something is really bad none of them comment on that stuff - and they haven't as of yet on anything.
So it's nice to see where my story lacks tidbits of information required to make that little bit more sense.
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by Kippershy on Sat Jul 07, 2012 4:17 am

swicked wrote:
Kippershy wrote:Thank you. I was planning on doing a minor rewrite on eight as it was, and had started rewriting the ghoul scene before I lost 70% of what I'd done.
As for the rest of the scene, I'll definitely look over it and revise parts to be better when I can and have the proper frame of mind for revising work.

Just as a trivial piece of information which I should've added in the story; Prince Snugglebums is a baby - hence he doesn't quite understand the same as an adult radbit.
As for why they're considered dangerous to ponies, they're not alone and nor are they a direct threat unless they swarm and crush you (literally) with their numbers - but they often eat fortifications which is just as bad.

Lastly, I'll have to make it clearer just how far he is. He had to use Cherry's scope to get a proper look at the ghouls and that's even with pegasus eyesight (an idea I'm stealing straight from Somber because that sounds awesome to say that pegasus have slightly keener eyesight then others, due to their ability of flight and therefore need of it).
Thank you for taking it so well, as well as clarifying a bit. I really didn't want to discourage you with the critisism but I also though it'd be a disservice to overly censor what I honestly was thinking while I was reading. I look forward to reading your revised chapter when you're finished with it :)

Thank you for giving it to me.
Criticism I can handle, it helps me know where I've gone wrong or what needs that little bit extra to be better.
I have in the past been upset by one person consistently saying it needs to get darker despite my saying that I do plan for the story to get darker soon - and that Crimson & Cherry overpowered Mary Sue characters.

That's the difference in what I can handle well and what I can't.
You've said nothing that can't be used in some way to improve my current and future writing, so I have absolutely no problem with it.
It was hardly like it was some personal attack.
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by swicked on Sat Jul 07, 2012 4:25 am

Kippershy wrote:Thank you for giving it to me.
Criticism I can handle, it helps me know where I've gone wrong or what needs that little bit extra to be better.
I have in the past been upset by one person consistently saying it needs to get darker despite my saying that I do plan for the story to get darker soon - and that Crimson & Cherry overpowered Mary Sue characters.

That's the difference in what I can handle well and what I can't.
You've said nothing that can't be used in some way to improve my current and future writing, so I have absolutely no problem with it.
It was hardly like it was some personal attack.

Eh, different people handle criticism differently. You're a pretty strong guy but I honestly hadn't a clue how well you handle criticism of something you've invested so much of yourself in, so I was a bit worried you might take what I was saying in the wrong way. It's happened to me before. I also don't really like giving criticism unless I know how the work could be improved to better my personal experience of it.
I will continue to be open about anything I can think of that would help improve the story for me, then. And thanks again for being open to it.

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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by Kippershy on Sat Jul 07, 2012 4:37 am

swicked wrote:
Kippershy wrote:Thank you for giving it to me.
Criticism I can handle, it helps me know where I've gone wrong or what needs that little bit extra to be better.
I have in the past been upset by one person consistently saying it needs to get darker despite my saying that I do plan for the story to get darker soon - and that Crimson & Cherry overpowered Mary Sue characters.

That's the difference in what I can handle well and what I can't.
You've said nothing that can't be used in some way to improve my current and future writing, so I have absolutely no problem with it.
It was hardly like it was some personal attack.

Eh, different people handle criticism differently. You're a pretty strong guy but I honestly hadn't a clue how well you handle criticism of something you've invested so much of yourself in, so I was a bit worried you might take what I was saying in the wrong way. It's happened to me before. I also don't really like giving criticism unless I know how the work could be improved to better my personal experience of it.
I will continue to be open about anything I can think of that would help improve the story for me, then. And thanks again for being open to it.

Again, thank you for giving it to me. and yeah - as long as you don't simply go:

"It's not dark enough." "Crimson is Mary Sue." "Now Cherry is Mary Sue too!" "Maisy was always Mary Sue." "This doesn't fit my tastes, change it."

Then I'm incredibly open to criticism.
There will no doubt be a point where I can't please everyone, but for simple things like this? Definitely do my best to make the needed changes.
I'll probably do them changes after the release of 11.
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by swicked on Sat Jul 07, 2012 5:13 am

Eh, all characters are Mary Sues to some degree. Maybe it'd help if they got hurt more often in ways that'd stick with them (the only serious injury I can remember so far is that concussion), or otherwise had a tendency to suffer partial failures (Crimson was so intent on killing all those ghouls, but maybe one of them got a guard, or managed to maim the owner's arm into a shredded mess), it'd help make the fights seem a bit less one sided.

And lot of the fights so far HAVE been pretty one sided... one group being entirely annihilated while the heroes get away, needing only a single healing potion to get patched up and having succeeded at all of their objectives. But most of the fights so far also haven't been super close to begin with, so I really wouldn't want you to go back and try rewriting them. The radbits being a good example. That ghoul was entirely covered by them for several seconds and got out with extremely minimal injury, but that's what you'd expect to of happened.

So yeah, these are not things you should think about going back and changing (nor am I saying you haven't already been doing this from time to time... this is more or less just generic advice), but it might help to prevent your heroes from seeming particularly overpowered if they had a serious fight sometime soon and had to live with an injury for a while... not long, maybe a few hours or a day, but something that restricted their abilities and possibly created a handicap in a later, entirely unrelated fight, just to drive home that they were hurt and have been made weaker from it.

Same thing with partial failures. Having to deal with trying to save the maimed merchant. Having to hear about the killed guard (you already did something like that a while back... I don't quite remember the name of the pony, but his brother was baby cakes... and that was a good bit), or possibly have his death complicate things as some mare accuses Crimson of not trying harder to bring her special somepony home. I dunno.

The more muddy you make these fights, the more real they and the characters involved in them seem.
Up to a point, of course. If you do it too much it begins to take away from the primary plot, after all, and you want to reader to always remember why the characters are where they are and what they are trying to accomplish.

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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by Kippershy on Sat Jul 07, 2012 9:19 am

brilliant point. Weird thing is i actually do have two such instances of actions having proper reoccurring effects in c11.
The fights issue is something i'd half planned to address but with your advice i'll go further with the damage and all that.

Crimson has been lucky to always be on neutral turf with good defensive nature... But nowthe tides are turning.
Thank you for giving me this advice as i'd wondered if my fights needed any changing or needed to be different in future.

So - throw theenemies a chance in fights, make more repercussions in actions on the short term... Anything else? (mc's getting hurt inc in fights)
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by Kippershy on Tue Jul 10, 2012 10:41 am

Just had the first fight scene of chapter 11, got the teaser for chapter 11 published which contains a part of the fight, but here's an extra special teaser with added length.

Also - hopefully it conveys a sense of damage for the moment, and it will show damage done again soon.
Just trying my best to improve the fight scenes here.


fight scene spoiler - to see the normal spoiler, view the story proper:
We made it to the end of the road before the sound of sprinting came up behind us.
Turning my head to see what the commotion was all about, I felt a knife tear into my leg and rip upwards for a few inches before becoming stuck against a part of my armour underneath.
I screamed in pain, my duster quickly becoming coated in blood already.
Before Cherry could react, two mares began to assault her as well, the one with the baseball bat smashing her around the back of the head and knocking her off balance as the other jumped on top straight after and began to pound her spine.

That was it, I had just been pushed over the line.
I hit into S.A.T.S and plotted out my shots, one straight to the back of the head of the mare atop of Cherry as she was easiest to aim for, two shots into the side of the mare with the baseball bat and one shot to the chest of the unicorn with the knife.
I closed S.A.T.S and began to fire, the first mares head exploded into a bloody mess, splattering all over the wall nearby.

"NOPONY FUCKS WITH ME LIKE THIS AND GETS AWAY WITH IT."

Two shots into the mare with the bat, one slamming into her side and the other her front as she fell down to the floor, her throat torn out with the sheer force of the blast. She wasn't dead yet but there was nothing more she could do.
Unfortunately in my rush, the second shot also managed to hit Cherry and she fell down to her side from the shock of being hit
I tried to turn to the unicorn behind me but as I did she lodged the knife in further and I fell to the floor, screaming in agony.
I wasn't able to get an aim on her, I was truly fucked as Cherry wouldn't be able to respond in time.

To much luck however, Maisy came storming down from the sky and grabbed the unicorn with both paws around her neck. She tried to scream in horror but Maisy gave her no chance, her grip too tight to allow any air travel through her neck.
Before I could even take note of what was really happening, the mares head was missing, blood all around Maisy's jaw as she crushed the bone between her teeth.
The body of the now lifeless pony dropped like a rock, blood flooding the road as if a fire hydrant had just been broken.

Before I could say a thing, she was already back in the air however, leaving me laying in the pool of blood combined from two different ponies.
Cherry having pulled herself off the floor, trotted over to me painfully before pulling the knife out of my side, causing me to scream in pain once more.

"Oh get over it you big baby. I just took some of the spread from your shot without crying."
"Some of the spread, yeah. Straight to the barding, may I add. Not this... AuGH. Knife."
She helped me off the floor and back onto my hooves, before I fell back down to the floor once more.
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Kippershy
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by Ketchup on Tue Jul 10, 2012 11:24 am

My opinion? Without knowing why they were completely unaware of being followed by sprinting ponies, I can't say much.

Cherry didn't do anything but get hit, she put up no resistance, then shrugged everything off.

Crimson's injury didn't produce any shock. Having a knife carve a few inches into you isn't a minor injury.

The attackers didn't seem to notice Maisy, wherever she was.

The scene might make sense in context, but I don't see much.
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by Kippershy on Tue Jul 10, 2012 11:51 am

The sprinting is completely understandable in context.
Cherry does something before this sneak peek, but is caught unaware during it.
If it needs shock, I'll add that in now. Good catch.
Maisy isn't in sight unless you're looking for her - it's in context in the whole thing.
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Kippershy
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by Ketchup on Tue Jul 10, 2012 2:29 pm

Alright, as long as it makes sense in context, it was an alright scene. Just the shock.
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

Post by Kippershy on Tue Jul 10, 2012 5:14 pm

some revisions made:

We made it to the end of the road before the sound of sprinting came up behind us.
Turning my head to see what the commotion was all about, I felt a knife tear into my leg and rip upwards for a few inches before becoming stuck against a part of my armour underneath.
I screamed in pain, my duster quickly becoming coated in blood already.
Before Cherry could react, two mares began to assault her as well, the one with the baseball bat smashing her around the back of the head and knocking her off balance as the other jumped on top straight after and began to pound her spine.

That was it, I had just been pushed over the line.
I hit into S.A.T.S and plotted out my shots, one straight to the back of the head of the mare atop of Cherry as she was easiest to aim for, two shots into the side of the mare with the baseball bat and one shot to the chest of the unicorn with the knife.
I closed S.A.T.S and began to fire, the first mares head exploded into a bloody mess, splattering all over the wall nearby.

"NOPONY FUCKS WITH ME LIKE THIS AND GETS AWAY WITH IT."

Two shots into the mare with the bat, one slamming into her side and the other her front as she fell down to the floor, her throat torn out with the sheer force of the blast. She wasn't dead yet but there was nothing more she could do.
Unfortunately in my rush, the second shot also managed to hit Cherry and she fell down to her side from the shock of being hit
I tried to turn to the unicorn behind me but as I did she lodged the knife in further and I fell to the floor, screaming in agony.
My eyes shot wide and the fear and pain rushed through me like a raging brahmin, throwing me down to the floor under the pressure of supporting myself.

A sickening sensation filled my stomach and I fought to hold down my breakfast as I felt the blood rushing down my side.
Now because of the torture I felt I wasn't able to get an aim on her, my focus taken away from me completely.
I was truly fucked as Cherry wouldn't be able to respond in time, I was helpless.
Fuck the ghouls, this was going to be the way I die, I was certain now.

To much luck however, Maisy came storming down from the sky and grabbed the unicorn with both paws around her neck. The pink mare tried to scream in horror but Maisy gave her no chance, her grip too tight to allow any air travel through her neck.
Before I could even take note of what was really happening, the mares head was missing, blood all around Maisy's jaw as she crushed the bone between her teeth.
The body of the now lifeless pony dropped like a rock, blood flooding the road as if a fire hydrant had just been broken.

Before I could say a thing, Maisy was already back in the air however, leaving me laying in the pool of blood combined from two different ponies.
I tried to move my leg but felt an immediate burning pain overwhelm me again and stayed put, initially yelping in pain before sobbing in agony as it continued to carve into my thigh.
Cherry having pulled herself off the floor, trotted over to me painfully before pulling the knife out of my side, causing me to scream in pain once more.

"Oh get over it you big baby. Being stabbed isn't the worst of all pains possible and anyway, I just took some of the spread from your shot without crying. Speaking of which, be a little more careful next time huih?"
I tried to speak, but found myself unable to. Instead, I breathed in and out deeply for a minute as I tried to handle the pain the best I could.

"Some of..." I fought for my breath, finding it hard to speak still. "The spread, yeah..." I took another moment to breathe deep and try control myself before continuing. "Straight to the barding, may I add."
"So? A knife, a bullet, it's all the same, pain is pain."
"Not this knife. Feels worse."
She helped me off the floor and back onto my hooves, before I fell back down to the floor once more.

"I'm going to have to use a healing potion on you like that then, here, drink this."
With that, she grabbed one of her potions and levitated it to my mouth, I swallowed the whole lot in one go and was glad to feel the warm, calming sensation begin to ease the pain.
My leg began to heal up somewhat, but it was obvious that it was going to take more then a single healing potion.
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Kippershy
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Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

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