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Equestrian tyranny (fanfic)

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Re: Equestrian tyranny (fanfic)

Post by WalrusM3 on Tue Apr 03, 2012 7:08 pm

Then why have this thread?
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Re: Equestrian tyranny (fanfic)

Post by Permafrost on Tue Apr 03, 2012 7:39 pm

WalrusM3 wrote:Then why have this thread?

This thread here is more for criticism on the story,where I type it up,etc. while Vengeance's is more or less what will be sent in as the final draft.After reading his its easier to read but here is more of the rough draft,if that makes sense
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Re: Equestrian tyranny (fanfic)

Post by XT Vengeance on Tue Apr 03, 2012 8:53 pm

WalrusM3 wrote:Then why have this thread?
As Mint said, this is where the rough draft will be, and also this is the place to give your thoughts/criticisms.
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Re: Equestrian tyranny (fanfic)

Post by XT Vengeance on Mon Apr 09, 2012 2:48 pm

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Re: Equestrian tyranny (fanfic)

Post by Permafrost on Mon Apr 16, 2012 3:36 pm

And now another chapter....

Chapter 5:Surprise Attack (in progress)
Spoiler:

"How were ponies able to make this place anyhow?" asked Applebloom.

"It took a couple years and hundreds of ponies to create these tunnels." replied Cherilee.

The three fillies that followed her looked around, still amazed at at the underground city. To them it brought back the memories of when the six leaders were friends rather then foes. They also realized something else about this place.

"Cherilee, how come I don't recognize the a lot of the ponies here?" asked Applebloom.

"Oh, that's because the ponies here are from all over Equestria,probably from areas you've never visited or seen. Oh, here we are, the schoolhouse."

The school looked much like the one the fillies remembered, a red building with a playground to the side of it. The group started walking to the building when they heard a crash from above. The ground from above crumbled to the floor of the huge tunnel. Everypony paused and looked at the thing that had caused the crash. A pony with a horn and wings stood at the hole, it's silhouette being seen with the full moon behind it.

"Is that Celestia?" whispered some of the ponies.

These whispers were silenced when the creature flew down to the floor. As it touched the ground an alarm was sounded. The ponies could now see it was a machine of some sort. It had glowing red eyes and "AL-14" on it's side. It gleamed like silver in the moonlight. Its tail and mane looked as though they were made of electricity, with the both hanging in the air, and it was as tall as tall as Celestia. The only thing that the thing lacked that a normal pony would have is a cutie mark.Most ponies panicked and ran to the exit.

"Get behind me children" said Cherilee,seeing that the thing had turned its attention to them.

The fillies were paralyzed with fear in front of Cherilee. The machine lifted up its hoof at the group. Suddenly the leg extended quickly as if it was a train. The ponies closed their eyes,waiting to be smashed.
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Re: Equestrian tyranny (fanfic)

Post by logmanxyz on Mon Apr 16, 2012 5:53 pm

nice work minty. this is gonna be great when it all comes together. can't wait to see what happens next :D
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Re: Equestrian tyranny (fanfic)

Post by Permafrost on Wed Jul 04, 2012 10:43 am

wow...its been...a couple months...yea sorry this took so long,had writers block badly. If you dont know about this fanfic,please start at the revised edition topic. As for chapter 2 its currently not up...anywhere...so...I plan to fix that soon. Anyways,the conclusion to chapter 5
Spoiler:
They heard what sounded like metal hitting something and opened thier eyes. In front of them was a shadowy claw from the ground holding the hoof still.

"Go,get out of here!" yelled a voice from behind.

They turned to see that the voice belonged to Princess Luna. But she looked different. Her right eye was now covered by a strange metal plate, with a red circle where her eye is supposed to be.

"I said go!" she repeated,struggling to keep the claw up with her magic.

Cherilee quickly rushed the fillies to the exit,looking around seeing the only ones left were Luna and the machine. As they reached the exit they heard a crash. They turned around to see the hoof had broken through the claw,smashing Luna into a stone wall. The machine retracted its leg to normal and started walking towards Luna, who was struggling to stand up.

"W-what are you?" she stammered.

The machine made no response and continued walking. It stopped a few feet away from her and lifted its front leg high into the air, aiming to slam it down on the princess.

"Hey!" yelled Scootaloo from the exit.The machine stopped and turned towards the filly. "Leave her alone you tin can!"

"Scootaloo,what are ya-" started Applebloom.

Before the filly finished the sentence, Luna had rammed the distracted machine. It staggered a few feet and looked at the princess. Luna's normal eye glowed white and her mane lashed out,knocking the machine into the side of a building. The fillies and teacher looked on in awe at the scene before them. The machine got up, about half of its face was broke off, exposing wires. The princess narrowed her eye as her mane lashed out,growing incredibly long, and cut the wires. The machines eyes went from glowing red to black as it fell over. Luna's mane and tail returned to normal as she walked over to see what was left of her foe.

"AL-14" she read on it.

She turned and walked to the exit,stopping in front of the awe-struck group.

"I'm sure you children have many questions, but those must wait til tomorrow. It is getting late."

She shuffled past them and quickly walked down the hallway,disappearing around the corner.

"Where do we sleep?" asked Sweetie-Belle curiosly.

"That's easy" said Cherilee. "I'll show you where you can sleep."

She walked down the hallway with the crusaders closely following her. Soon they took a turn and found the hallway lined with rooms on both sides. Cherilee opened the third door on the left to a room with a large bed in it.

"You three can sleep here" she said with a smile.

The three fillies cuddled together and fell asleep soon after Cherilee shut the door.
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Re: Equestrian tyranny (fanfic)

Post by XT Vengeance on Wed Jul 04, 2012 1:16 pm

Permafrost wrote:wow...its been...a couple months...yea sorry this took so long,had writers block badly. If you dont know about this fanfic,please start at the revised edition topic. As for chapter 2 its currently not up...anywhere...so...I plan to fix that soon. Anyways,the conclusion to chapter 5
Spoiler:
They heard what sounded like metal hitting something and opened thier eyes. In front of them was a shadowy claw from the ground holding the hoof still.

"Go,get out of here!" yelled a voice from behind.

They turned to see that the voice belonged to Princess Luna. But she looked different. Her right eye was now covered by a strange metal plate, with a red circle where her eye is supposed to be.

"I said go!" she repeated,struggling to keep the claw up with her magic.

Cherilee quickly rushed the fillies to the exit,looking around seeing the only ones left were Luna and the machine. As they reached the exit they heard a crash. They turned around to see the hoof had broken through the claw,smashing Luna into a stone wall. The machine retracted its leg to normal and started walking towards Luna, who was struggling to stand up.

"W-what are you?" she stammered.

The machine made no response and continued walking. It stopped a few feet away from her and lifted its front leg high into the air, aiming to slam it down on the princess.

"Hey!" yelled Scootaloo from the exit.The machine stopped and turned towards the filly. "Leave her alone you tin can!"

"Scootaloo,what are ya-" started Applebloom.

Before the filly finished the sentence, Luna had rammed the distracted machine. It staggered a few feet and looked at the princess. Luna's normal eye glowed white and her mane lashed out,knocking the machine into the side of a building. The fillies and teacher looked on in awe at the scene before them. The machine got up, about half of its face was broke off, exposing wires. The princess narrowed her eye as her mane lashed out,growing incredibly long, and cut the wires. The machines eyes went from glowing red to black as it fell over. Luna's mane and tail returned to normal as she walked over to see what was left of her foe.

"AL-14" she read on it.

She turned and walked to the exit,stopping in front of the awe-struck group.

"I'm sure you children have many questions, but those must wait til tomorrow. It is getting late."

She shuffled past them and quickly walked down the hallway,disappearing around the corner.

"Where do we sleep?" asked Sweetie-Belle curiosly.

"That's easy" said Cherilee. "I'll show you where you can sleep."

She walked down the hallway with the crusaders closely following her. Soon they took a turn and found the hallway lined with rooms on both sides. Cherilee opened the third door on the left to a room with a large bed in it.

"You three can sleep here" she said with a smile.

The three fillies cuddled together and fell asleep soon after Cherilee shut the door.
I think I actually still have that. Chapter two that is. Not sure though, I have to look for it.
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Re: Equestrian tyranny (fanfic)

Post by Guest on Wed Jul 04, 2012 4:33 pm

I can't wait for next chapter :3

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Re: Equestrian tyranny (fanfic)

Post by Static on Thu Jul 05, 2012 5:15 am

I love the story! Can't wait for more! xd
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Re: Equestrian tyranny (fanfic)

Post by WalrusM3 on Fri Jul 06, 2012 7:43 pm

Awesome glad you're continuing, I wasn't sure if you'd be continuing it which worried me as it was getting good.
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Re: Equestrian tyranny (fanfic)

Post by Permafrost on Wed Jul 18, 2012 7:13 am

One thing before chapter 6...I really appreciate all my readers, and I'd like them to help me with chapter 7. By this I mean chapter 7 is mostly about the CMC getting answers to whats going on...however...I feel I've explained a lot of things too well...I'm at a loss for questions for them to ask. So,if you have any question you think would work for this,please PM me them. Thank you for both this and your support on this fanfic.

And as for chapter 6...I feel this chapter is...lacking...I apologize if it is...well,enjoy.

Chapter 6:Seperation
Spoiler:
"I told you it would fail!" yelled Applejack at the other five.

"You think you can do better?" asked Fluttershy, smiling.

"I know I can!" yelled Pinkie Pie, narrowing her eyes.

"It's obvious to all of us last night was a failure, so I have an idea." said Rainbow Dash.

She got up and trotted to the window, watching the Sun rise. She looked down at the remote that she stole for AL-14, a blinking red light in the corner showing it was as useless as the machine it once controlled.

"We all think we can take our enemy down by ourselves, so let's try it." She threw the remote out the window and returns to her seat. "Any questions?"

"Sounds good to me," muttered Twilight Sparkle, looking down and smiling.

"Good, I can take all the glory then." said Rarity happily.

"Good, we will all meet again after one of us succeeds...or is defeated." Said Rainbow Dash.

The six got up, watching each other, expecting themselves to succeed. The advisors followed behind thier respective leaders. On the way out, Rarity motioned for Applejack to stay behind. She did,watching the others go outside.

"What do you want, your highness?" asked Applejack, annoyed.

"A deal, between me and you," said Rarity. "You have the workers, I have the bits."

"What do you have in mind?" asked Applejack.

Meanwhile, outside the castle, Rainbow Dash had been following Pinkie Pie and flew over her, landing in front of her.

"What do you want!?" yelled Pinkie.

"Shut it Puffball, I came to try working with you." replied Rainbow, now annoyed.

"Ha! What could I want from you?"

"Weather control."

"I have pegasi already, I'll just use them." said Pinkie, matter-of-factly.

"The can move the clouds, but they will run once you let them go. And dont say you'll control them too long in the air, you don't have enough chain for that." said Rainbow, smirking.

"Fine, what's your stupid plan?"

Rainbow smiled and whispered into Pinkie's ear. Pinkie smiled after she was told the whole thing and shook Rainbow's hoof, sealing thier deal. In the castle, Rarity was shaking hooves with Applejack, sealing thier deal at the same time.
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Re: Equestrian tyranny (fanfic)

Post by Permafrost on Thu Oct 04, 2012 11:04 pm

UUUUUGGGGGGHHHHH School has been making me keep push this further back on my list! I'm sorry everyone, but I will be putting up chapter 7 as soon as I can. Again, sorry for the long pauses, but I am not giving up at this point!
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Re: Equestrian tyranny (fanfic)

Post by Permafrost on Thu Nov 15, 2012 1:23 pm

Yay! Finaly have time to put some of this up! Note that I have been taking a writing class so it may seem a little different then previous chapters...

Chapter 7:Getting Answers (part 1 of 2)

Spoiler:
"Wake up!" yelled Scootaloo, jumping up and down excitedly on the bed where Applebloom was sleeping.

"Huh?" asked Applebloom tiredly, opening her eyes to see Scootaloo on top of her and Sweetie-Belle standing beside the bed.

"We're gonna ask Princess Luna about what's going on." said Sweetie-Belle.

"Oh, good idea." said Applebloom, sitting up. "Um, Scootaloo...you mind getting off'a me?"

As Scootaloo jumped off the bed, Sweetie-Belle asked "where is Luna anyways?"

"Right here," said a voice from the doorway. As Applebloom got out of bed she stood by the other crusaders to meet Princess Luna. "If you wish to ask questions, we prefer it if we do this in our room." said Princess Luna in a serious tone. The three fillies nodded eagerly and followed as they followed the princess of the night. Princess Luna walked through multiple hallways, the lighting of the halls seeming to dimmer with every minute. They finally reached a door with Luna's cutie mark above it, the lighting coming only from a torch on the wall beside the door. Luna opened the door, the inside consisting of a map of Equestria on a large table, a bed, and papers all over about half the room with plans. The room was lit by a torch on either side of the room. A brown Earth pony mare in a maids outfit was cleaning and organizing the papers, looking at the princess and fillies as they entered. Luna looked at the mare, saying "Go search for the unicorn we recently found in the Frozen North and bring him here.

"Right away Princess Luna!" said the mare, running quickly out of the room.

"Dusty will be back shortly," said Luna, looking over the map of Equestria. "Now you may ask your questions to us."
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Re: Equestrian tyranny (fanfic)

Post by Permafrost on Fri Nov 16, 2012 4:49 pm

And here is part two of chapter 7.

Chapter 7:Getting Answers (part 2 of 2)
Spoiler:
"What's with yer eye?" asked Applebloom.

Luna put her hoof on the red piece over her eye, remembering. "When my sister and I tried stopping the leaders, as we now call them, we were overpowered. One of Twilight Sparkle's magic blasts struck our eye, making it blind. This object over it was made by our top scientists, it allows us to see as if we had two working eyes."

"How did my sister and her friends turn bad like that anyways?" asked Sweetie-Belle. "She wasn't like that before she became a ruler of Equestria."

"We are still unsure," replied Luna. "We fear that there was foul play by an another force, turning them like this. My sister and I, we never thought this would happen, especially when they were such great friends. We can only hope we can fix everything." There was a hint of sadness and fear in her voice.

"Yeah!" said Scootaloo. "It seems like forever since I had fun with Rainbow Dash!"

Luna smiled lightly. "Yes, you three have spent much time with the Leaders in the past. That is why all of you will be important to our plan."

The three fillies looked at each other, confused. Finally, Applebloom asked "What plan?"

"You three will travel with others, in hopes that the memory still inside the leaders of the times you once shared will give them a change of heart. The journey will be dangerous however, so you'll be accompanied by a few of our members. It will be up to you three to find those who are confident enough to go, but we have already found your first. He was found in the Frozen North, so we believe his resourceful nature will be more then helpful to your quest."

The fillies thought, knowing they may be the last hope against the leaders. In unison, the three smiled and nodded.

Luna's smile grew at this sight, "Good, we will forever be in your gratitude."

Scootaloo raised her hoof suddenly, asking, "Who is this pony though, the one from the Frozen North?"

"He is a unicorn, his name is-" Luna was cut off by her door opening, Dusty walking in quickly with a feather duster. Following her in was a unicorn with a white coat. His mane, short and pointed forward, was blue and black. His tail was long and curved. black with a blue stripe down the middle, same colors as his mane. It was ruffled like it was rarely combed, if ever. His eyes were big and purple, and only widened at the sight of Princess Luna. His mouth turned into a smile, almost seeming wicked. He was turned slightly and the three fillies saw his cutie mark, a frozen jar tipped over, the black contents spilling out of it also frozen. "Sorry to cut you off Princess Luna," he said, his voice low, slightly above a whisper. "But I believe you were gonna introduce me." He looked at the fillies and his smile got bigger. "I'm Permafrost."
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