Welcome to Cloudsville. If you're new, don't forget to sign up and say hi in the Introduction forum.

Equestrian tyranny (fanfic)

Page 1 of 2 1, 2  Next

View previous topic View next topic Go down

Equestrian tyranny (fanfic)

Post by Permafrost on Fri Jan 27, 2012 7:14 pm

Ok,before I begin I'd like to say a couple things...
1.I wrote as I thought so there will be spelling/grammer errors and I may need to add some things later on so it makes more sense.
2.I am not done writing yet or even close,so all suggestions are welcome.
3.This is my first fanfic and I don't write much so it might not be that great...

Well,let's begin...

The Prologue
Spoiler:
Long ago,in the land of Equestria,there was chaos. Nopony was happy. The cause was the draconequus,Discord. The princesses Celestia and Luna saw the unhappiness Discord brought and used the most powerful elements throughout Equestria,the Elements of Harmony,to seal him in stone. There Discord stayed,until the princesses loss touch with the elements. Discord was free once again,and it was up to the new keepers of the elements,Twilight Sparkle,Rarity,Fluttershy,Rainbow Dash,Applejack,and Pinkie Pie,to stop him. Discord was able to corrupt each of them,but was defeated when Twilight regained her memories of friendship and used a spell on the others so the same thing happened to them. Peace and harmony were restored in Equestria,and Discord was once again sealed in stone. After many more adventures of the 6 friends,Celestia and Luna saw great strength in them. Both Celestia and Luna while even though they could raise the Sun and Moon,they needed ponies who could keep peace in all of Equestria. They decided that these 6 friends would each get parts of Equestria to rule over and keep peace. All 6 agreed,under the condition that they have a meeting every month to discuss matters of Equestria and stay in touch. This worked for a while,with all 6 saying they should have a second in command to help advise. But after a while strange things started happening. First was Pinkie Pie being against every decision. Then Twilight stopped showing up for the meetings. One by one all the friends became the opposites of themselves. Fluttershy became mean,Rarity tried making everything end in her favor and rarely helped the others,Applejack staryed lying about the progress of her part of Equestria,and Rainbow Dash kept going back on her word and never seemed to keep her word. Despite them all being dramatically different then they were before,they all showed up for the meetings still,except Twilight.The civilians of Equestria suffered,but their new leaders didn't seem to care. Celestia and Luna saw the pain of the ponies and attempted to stop the leaders at a meeting. Celestia upon entering noticed something strange. None of the 5 harbored an Element of Harmony. A great battle happened in the meeting room,and Celestia and Luna barely escaped alive. They went into hiding,creating a resistance to stop these tyrants. This brings us to today.

Chapter 1 is in XTVengeance's revised edition,please see his topic to read it. As for chapter 2,I am working on putting that up again, I thank you for your patience and cooperation.


Last edited by Permafrost on Wed Jul 18, 2012 6:19 am; edited 10 times in total
avatar
Permafrost
Earth Pony

Posts : 139
Brohoof! : 2
Join date : 2011-11-27
Age : 22
Location : Michigan,USA

Character List:
Name:
Sex:
Species:

Back to top Go down

Re: Equestrian tyranny (fanfic)

Post by Moonlight on Fri Jan 27, 2012 7:52 pm

Could use a little more detail, but all in all the concept it good. Don't use too much repetition and Discord's race is spelled draconequus. Lauren Faust says so. I look forward to your additions and improvements!

------------------
avatar
Moonlight
Hydra

Posts : 650
Brohoof! : 23
Join date : 2011-11-27
Age : 21
Location : New York State (not the city)

Character List:
Name:
Sex:
Species:

Back to top Go down

Re: Equestrian tyranny (fanfic)

Post by Fluttershy on Sun Jan 29, 2012 2:08 pm

The improvements certainly show and definitely makes the scenery more easy to imagine. Keep it up!
avatar
Fluttershy
Royal Alicorn

Posts : 257
Brohoof! : 12
Join date : 2011-11-26
Age : 20
Location : Equestria!

Character List:
Name: Fluttershy
Sex: Female
Species: Pegasus

Back to top Go down

Re: Equestrian tyranny (fanfic)

Post by Fluttershy on Sun Jan 29, 2012 6:49 pm

Ooh! Intriguing! I can't wait to see where this goes.

Critique: Most of the sentences are very natural and flowing, but sometimes they seem to out of context of what they would say. "Gave them areas to control" is one of them. I recommend trying to find a better suited sentence that explains the plot a bit more and doesn't seem like a convenient plot point.
avatar
Fluttershy
Royal Alicorn

Posts : 257
Brohoof! : 12
Join date : 2011-11-26
Age : 20
Location : Equestria!

Character List:
Name: Fluttershy
Sex: Female
Species: Pegasus

Back to top Go down

Re: Equestrian tyranny (fanfic)

Post by Permafrost on Mon Jan 30, 2012 10:24 pm

Yeah,I sometimes add more then I originally wrote,so I will probably have to go back and fix some things when its all typed up. Well,fix and edit some things...also,if anypony wants,I have some unnamed ponies that are focused on in the next chapter,anypony can pick out who they represent and if that character isn't planned for use I will gladly give these unnamed ponies names...I will even accept OC's if the creator allows it.
avatar
Permafrost
Earth Pony

Posts : 139
Brohoof! : 2
Join date : 2011-11-27
Age : 22
Location : Michigan,USA

Character List:
Name:
Sex:
Species:

Back to top Go down

Re: Equestrian tyranny (fanfic)

Post by Moonlight on Mon Jan 30, 2012 10:30 pm

Well, I for one would be honored! I just finished reading chapter 1, it's looking great so far. Just make sure you proofread it and make sure it all flows and there are no sentences or phrases out of place. I'm looking forward to seeing how this progresses!

------------------
avatar
Moonlight
Hydra

Posts : 650
Brohoof! : 23
Join date : 2011-11-27
Age : 21
Location : New York State (not the city)

Character List:
Name:
Sex:
Species:

Back to top Go down

Re: Equestrian tyranny (fanfic)

Post by Moonlight on Wed Feb 01, 2012 7:39 pm

First off, a little too much of the word "with". Using a word too many times just sounds awkward, I advise against that. Secondly, don't use numerals, write out the numbers ("two" instead of "2") and thirdly, you used pegasus instead of pegasi at least once, but that's just a minor error, understandable. I look forward to revisions and to the continuation of this story! Keep writing!

------------------
avatar
Moonlight
Hydra

Posts : 650
Brohoof! : 23
Join date : 2011-11-27
Age : 21
Location : New York State (not the city)

Character List:
Name:
Sex:
Species:

Back to top Go down

Re: Equestrian tyranny (fanfic)

Post by Moonlight on Thu Feb 09, 2012 9:15 pm

Character development is good! Some parts are awkward to read, for example "she flew open the window" and keep chacking back for grammar and spelling. Also with Gilda, instead of claw-like hands, I think talons would smoothen out how it's read. Keep it up!

------------------
avatar
Moonlight
Hydra

Posts : 650
Brohoof! : 23
Join date : 2011-11-27
Age : 21
Location : New York State (not the city)

Character List:
Name:
Sex:
Species:

Back to top Go down

Re: Equestrian tyranny (fanfic)

Post by Fluttershy on Sat Feb 11, 2012 2:39 pm

Perhaps you could add the chapter into your first post? You can edit your messages.
avatar
Fluttershy
Royal Alicorn

Posts : 257
Brohoof! : 12
Join date : 2011-11-26
Age : 20
Location : Equestria!

Character List:
Name: Fluttershy
Sex: Female
Species: Pegasus

Back to top Go down

Re: Equestrian tyranny (fanfic)

Post by Fluttershy on Sat Feb 11, 2012 5:10 pm

Okay. I'll read it all once it's on one post. Otherwise it will get very confusing for me.
avatar
Fluttershy
Royal Alicorn

Posts : 257
Brohoof! : 12
Join date : 2011-11-26
Age : 20
Location : Equestria!

Character List:
Name: Fluttershy
Sex: Female
Species: Pegasus

Back to top Go down

Re: Equestrian tyranny (fanfic)

Post by WalrusM3 on Thu Feb 16, 2012 5:03 pm

It wasn't my kind of FanFiction, but I decided to stop being fussy for a day and give it a chance it probably deserved, being that I have never read a My little pony: Friendship is Magic and really should get started.

Alright, start off with, I'm back and forth on your dialogue, your good at mimicking the character's dialogue from the show, but some I'm not comfortable with, maybe because it simply doesn't fit.

example: "Are you sure?It's not like we are mail deliverers."

(To note should've placed a space there) Sorry but the way you could've phrased that part could've been better in my opinion, it's not very smooth and out of place.

Overall, could be a neat story, but at the same time, my taste my end up fighting against putting it down my throat due to how fussy I am.
avatar
WalrusM3
Colt/Filly

Posts : 46
Brohoof! : 0
Join date : 2012-02-14
Age : 28
Location : Shetland isles

Back to top Go down

Re: Equestrian tyranny (fanfic)

Post by Permafrost on Fri Feb 17, 2012 10:56 am

WalrusM3 wrote:It wasn't my kind of FanFiction, but I decided to stop being fussy for a day and give it a chance it probably deserved, being that I have never read a My little pony: Friendship is Magic and really should get started.

Alright, start off with, I'm back and forth on your dialogue, your good at mimicking the character's dialogue from the show, but some I'm not comfortable with, maybe because it simply doesn't fit.

example: "Are you sure?It's not like we are mail deliverers."

(To note should've placed a space there) Sorry but the way you could've phrased that part could've been better in my opinion, it's not very smooth and out of place.

Overall, could be a neat story, but at the same time, my taste my end up fighting against putting it down my throat due to how fussy I am.

Glad you gave it a chance.Hmmm...seems like my biggest problem is sentences that don't flow with the rest...interesting...I'll have to work on that.
avatar
Permafrost
Earth Pony

Posts : 139
Brohoof! : 2
Join date : 2011-11-27
Age : 22
Location : Michigan,USA

Character List:
Name:
Sex:
Species:

Back to top Go down

Re: Equestrian tyranny (fanfic)

Post by Guest on Sat Mar 03, 2012 11:23 am

Good job so far

Guest
Guest


Back to top Go down

Re: Equestrian tyranny (fanfic)

Post by Discord on Mon Mar 05, 2012 1:54 am

i havnt quite finshed reading it but a plot idea occured to me.......i see that you have the outer termoil everyone fighting against the six/ possible discord.......but what about inner turmoil........ with the elments no longer being used, thus setting free discord.......now that thats set up.......why not have a conflict with luna since the elements are gone and there the things that changed her......why not have nightmare moon slowly trying to take back control of luna, have scenes where shes visably slipping or having argurments with her self.......all the while showing celestias growing concern for not only the safety of her sister but also the stability of the resitance seeing as one of their leaders is losing it. i as going to make this my own seperate story but im way to busy.........and i don't really enjoy writing mainly because i suck at it.
avatar
Discord
Earth Pony

Posts : 176
Brohoof! : 0
Join date : 2012-02-15
Age : 27

Character List:
Name: dark infinti
Sex: male
Species: pegasus

Back to top Go down

Re: Equestrian tyranny (fanfic)

Post by Permafrost on Mon Mar 05, 2012 7:53 am

Discord wrote:i havnt quite finshed reading it but a plot idea occured to me.......i see that you have the outer termoil everyone fighting against the six/ possible discord.......but what about inner turmoil........ with the elments no longer being used, thus setting free discord.......now that thats set up.......why not have a conflict with luna since the elements are gone and there the things that changed her......why not have nightmare moon slowly trying to take back control of luna, have scenes where shes visably slipping or having argurments with her self.......all the while showing celestias growing concern for not only the safety of her sister but also the stability of the resitance seeing as one of their leaders is losing it. i as going to make this my own seperate story but im way to busy.........and i don't really enjoy writing mainly because i suck at it.

Hehe,,,lets just say I have my reasons for why nopony has seen Luna yet...I haven't quite figured out exactly how I'm going to implement it.
avatar
Permafrost
Earth Pony

Posts : 139
Brohoof! : 2
Join date : 2011-11-27
Age : 22
Location : Michigan,USA

Character List:
Name:
Sex:
Species:

Back to top Go down

Re: Equestrian tyranny (fanfic)

Post by Permafrost on Sat Mar 10, 2012 3:32 pm

Ok,so I was able to put everything in the first post so now people won't be as confused,but I need to delete those other posts which updated the story...problem is I have no idea how to do that...so...yeah...starting with chapter 3 I will be posting the rest of the story in the first post.
avatar
Permafrost
Earth Pony

Posts : 139
Brohoof! : 2
Join date : 2011-11-27
Age : 22
Location : Michigan,USA

Character List:
Name:
Sex:
Species:

Back to top Go down

Re: Equestrian tyranny (fanfic)

Post by CamoBadger on Sat Mar 10, 2012 11:15 pm

Diamond Mint wrote:Ok,so I was able to put everything in the first post so now people won't be as confused,but I need to delete those other posts which updated the story...problem is I have no idea how to do that...so...yeah...starting with chapter 3 I will be posting the rest of the story in the first post.
All taken care of Lyra

------------------
My stories: Cold as Ice   |   Fallout Equestria: All That Remains FiMFic Page   |   Fallout Equestria: All That Remains Hub Page
Thanks if you read any of them.

If you have a complaint of any kind, a question or a suggestion, please PM me about it and I will respond as quickly as I can.  


Last wrote:((Camo just likes to kill happiness.))

Well spank my flank and call me sexy!

Until next time, hugs and kisses.


 ~Miguel
avatar
CamoBadger
Royal Alicorn

Posts : 13890
Brohoof! : 588
Join date : 2011-11-29

Back to top Go down

Re: Equestrian tyranny (fanfic)

Post by Permafrost on Sat Mar 24, 2012 2:50 pm

Oh thank you Nintendo...the 3ds won't let me add anything to the first post because of too much information I guess...so...yea...I will try to fit as many completed chapters into each post as possible but I can't add to the first post like at all so...yea...I apologize for any inconveniences.

Chapter 3:Old Friends and Rivals
Spoiler:
"How long is this tunnel?" whined Sweetie-Belle.

"We have only been walking for about 5 minutes." said Scootaloo.

The three could hear voices from the direction they were going,but couldn't recognize any of them. Lanterns lined the walls of the tunnel. They found at a turn in the tunnel leading to the right. As they rounded the turn,they were amazed at what they saw. It led to a huge underground city. They glanced around,seeing that there were small buildings and ponies everywhere.

"I thought I heard you joined. Guess I heard right." said a voice from the side of the opening.

"Of course you were right!" said another voice coming from the same direction.

The two fillies stepped out of the shadows,showing who they clearly were.

"Looks like the blank flanks have joined our cause." said Diamond Tiara.

"Could be worse," said Silver Spoon. "At least they are helping us."

"What are you two doing here?"asked Applebloom.

"Same reason as you blank flank."said Diamond Tiara."To stop those so-called leaders.We were both once apart of Twilight's area for a while,but she soon decided we weren't good enough and locked herself up in that castle.After that us and the other ponies in her area took our seperate ways.We came across a tunnel which led us here."

Silver Spoon nodded in agreement.

"We should probably look around more" said Scootaloo. "You know,to familiarize ourselves with this place."

"Do what you want,blank flanks," said Diamond Tiara."Just stay out of our way."

She pushed her way past the Cutie Mark Crusaders and went the way they came from.

"Wait for me!" said Silver Spoon,not realizing Diamond Tiara left and trying to catch up.

"Someponies never change" said Sweetie-Belle.

The three fillies continued on through the city-like cave.It was like what they remember was Ponyville but much bigger.The building rose higher and there were a lot more ponies.They walked down the "road" and couldn't find any more faces they recognized.They were about to turn around when they heard a crash up ahead.

"Derpy!" yelled a voice up ahead.

The three ran to the direction of the crash.They found a dazed grey pegasus on the ground,dazed,laying next to a broken cart with fruit spilled everywhere.The pegasus was certainly odd.She had a blonde mane and tail,cross-eyed,and had bubbles as her cutie mark.

"I don't know what went wrong" she said getting up.

"Typical Derpy." said Scootaloo.

"You remember who that is?"asked Applebloom,drawing a blank at who this clutzy character was.

"Of course,its Derpy" said Scootaloo."She was a clumsy mail delivery pegasus.This is the first time I've seen her since the leaders took over,but I remember her clearly.No pegasi I think could forget her!"

"should we go say hi?" asked Sweetie-Belle.

Before Scootaloo could answer,Derpy had flown off,hoping to avoid getting in trouble.

"I guess not." said Applebloom.

"Guess not what?" asked a familiar voice from behind.

The fillies turned around to see the pony they once called "teacher"

"Cherilee!" the fillies said in unison.

"Yes,I'm part of the Resistance too."she said gleefullly.

Suddenly a bell rang in the distance.

"It's time for class." said Cherilee."Perhaps you'd like to come along?"

The three eagerly nodded and followed Cherilee to the school.

Ok,so I have no idea wtf happened with the first post...I will try getting that fixed...glad I have everything written down...but...T_T...anyways,yea sorry about that...might as well put ch.4 up still...

Chapter 4:Emergency Meeting(being worked on)

Spoiler:
"What the hay did you call us here for?" asked Applejack."I was fast asleep when your two mail carriers woke me."

"Come now, Applejack," said Rarity across the table."If Rainbow called a meeting it must be important...like me!"

The table they were at was big,circular,and black. They used to hold thier meetings at a mansion-like building at the borders, but after Celestia and Luna confronted them they moved thier meetings to Celestia's old castle, which is to remain nuetral from the areas the leaders command. The room was dark,with spider webs in various places and dust everywhere.

"Would you guys be quiet!" yelled Rainbow Dash."Everyone is accounted for now...except Fluttershy and her adviser. Where are they?
all for now...hate this thing...


Last edited by Diamond Mint on Mon Apr 02, 2012 9:06 pm; edited 1 time in total
avatar
Permafrost
Earth Pony

Posts : 139
Brohoof! : 2
Join date : 2011-11-27
Age : 22
Location : Michigan,USA

Character List:
Name:
Sex:
Species:

Back to top Go down

Re: Equestrian tyranny (fanfic)

Post by Charr on Sun Mar 25, 2012 4:23 pm

Wow tYler there is better uses of your time then this.

Charr
Blank Flank

Posts : 3
Brohoof! : 0
Join date : 2012-03-24

Back to top Go down

Re: Equestrian tyranny (fanfic)

Post by Guest on Sun Mar 25, 2012 5:59 pm

Charr wrote:Wow tYler there is better uses of your time then this.
Ya he could be watching porn in his basement

Guest
Guest


Back to top Go down

Re: Equestrian tyranny (fanfic)

Post by Game Master on Sun Mar 25, 2012 5:59 pm

The member 'Mr.Bubbles' has done the following action : Dices roll

'5 Sides' : 4

Game Master
Colt/Filly

Posts : 45
Brohoof! : 4
Join date : 2011-12-01
Age : 105
Location : Cloudsville Servers

Back to top Go down

Re: Equestrian tyranny (fanfic)

Post by Charr on Sun Mar 25, 2012 6:12 pm

>:O That I said STFU

Charr
Blank Flank

Posts : 3
Brohoof! : 0
Join date : 2012-03-24

Back to top Go down

Re: Equestrian tyranny (fanfic)

Post by WalrusM3 on Tue Mar 27, 2012 3:20 pm

Hey, just wanted to let you know I'm still reading this and it looks all fine so far. Keep up the good work.
avatar
WalrusM3
Colt/Filly

Posts : 46
Brohoof! : 0
Join date : 2012-02-14
Age : 28
Location : Shetland isles

Back to top Go down

Re: Equestrian tyranny (fanfic)

Post by Guest on Wed Mar 28, 2012 6:35 pm

Tyler this is so sad there are way many more games to be played over this show....

Guest
Guest


Back to top Go down

Re: Equestrian tyranny (fanfic)

Post by Permafrost on Mon Apr 02, 2012 11:00 pm

Ok,so if you haven't noticed #1,my 3ds erased half my story...I feel like I have just let everyone who was/is/was going to read this fanfic down...and I want to solemnly apologize.XT Vengeance said he printed out the prologue and first 3 chapters earlier so he could edit it so I hope he can type up the 2 chapters and send them to me.This will not stop me from posting the rest of the story but...I just...*sigh*...

Chapter 4:Emergency Meeting
Spoiler:
"What the hay did you call us here for?" asked Applejack."I was sleeping when those two woke me up."

"Come on Applejack," said Rarity across the table."If Rainbow called a meeting then it must be important...like me!"

The table they were at was big,circular,and black. They used to have their meetings at a mansion-like building on the borders, but after Celestia and Luna confronted them they moved the meeting to Celestia's old castle, which remains neutral territory for the leaders. The old place was dark, with spider webs and dust everywhere.

"Would you guys be quiet!" said Rainbow Dash."Everyone seems to be accounted for...except Fluttershy and her adviser. Where are they?

Suddenly the doors burst open, Fluttershy walking in looking extremely angry.

"Why am I being woken up in the middle of the night by my adviser, and being told that I was told to come to this dump?!" she yelled, kicking a nearby vase backwards. Her adviser ducked as the vase flew by, then walked in slowly after seeing the danger was clear, taking her place next to the other advisers.

"Fluttershy,if you would take your seat you would see why" said Rainbow Dash.

"Whatever you say, Rainbow Crash!" said Fluttershy,taking her seat.

Rainbow Dash looked around the table. All the leaders were present. Then she looked at the wall,counting six total advisers, all waiting, like statues.

"Get to the point of us coming here!" yelled Pinkie Pie impatiently.

"Fine!" said Rainbow Dash."Now, you all remember the Cutie Mark Crusaders, right?" Everyone nodded."Well I found out that Scootaloo has been leaving Cloudsdale on a regular basis thanks to my cameras."

"Wait, you have cameras?" asked Twilight suspiciously.

"Yes, I do, now earlier I put them up around the borders, and until tonight, it seemed that those three fillies were only talking. But tonight, they slipped into what we have confirmed is a tunnel system. We assume there is a rebel group down there and originally called you here to think of a plan."

"And why should we help you?" asked Applejack.

"What's in it for me?" asked Rarity.

"Why would I need the help of you weak ponies!?" asked Pinkie Pie.

"Your all pathetic, you especially, Rainbow Crash." said Fluttershy.

Twilight sat and listened intently.

"You all wanna know why you should be worried?" asked Rainbow Dash."Because based on the size of those tunnels, we assume there is an army down there. If they attack all our areas will be overrun and those princesses will return to power!"

"And how exactly do you plan on stopping them?" asked Applejack.

Rainbow Dash just smiled and stomped her right hoof twice.

"You called?" asked a silhouette from a corner.

"I believe she did" said another from the same corner.

The two silhouettes walked out of the shadows with big grins on thier faces.

"Remember us, Applejack?" said Flim.

"What are these two doing here!?" asked Applejack angerily.

"They are here to help us with our problem." said Rainbow Dash.

"And how are these morons gonna help us?" asked Fluttershy.

"I'm glad you asked, my dear." said Flim.

"It is pretty simple, just let us show you." said Flam.

The pair walked to the large windows and opened them. Flim motioned for the leaders to come while Flam pulled a remote out of his vest and pushed a green button. A rumbling started happening while the ponies walked to the window.

"Now we have been working on this machine for a while but you called us last minute so it's not as powerful as we planned." said Flim.

"What is it?" asked Applejack.

"Its-" started Flam when the rumbling stopped.

"Its here." finished Flim.

Suddenly a creature burst from the ground outside. No, not a creature, a machine. It stopped in midair, right in front of the window. It looked like an alicorn, and had apparently used its horn to drill through the ground. It had spiked hooves and red eyes. It was about as tall as Celestia. Flam pressed a button and the automaton took off.

"If we are correct, AL-14 should be able to take out that rebellion before it can do anything." said Flim.

Flam sat the remote on the windowsill and waited casually with Flim as the leaders sat back down.

"Now...about our pay." said Flam.

"Of course, it's in the closet over there." said Rainbow Dash.

The two opened the door and seen it was empty. Twilight immediately kicked them in and locked the door.

"Good job Twilight...this meeting is over." said Rainbow Dash as she picked up the remote.Everyone left,eagerly waiting for the results of the plan.
avatar
Permafrost
Earth Pony

Posts : 139
Brohoof! : 2
Join date : 2011-11-27
Age : 22
Location : Michigan,USA

Character List:
Name:
Sex:
Species:

Back to top Go down

Re: Equestrian tyranny (fanfic)

Post by XT Vengeance on Mon Apr 02, 2012 11:13 pm

Diamond Mint wrote:Ok,so if you haven't noticed #1,my 3ds erased half my story...I feel like I have just let everyone who was/is/was going to read this fanfic down...and I want to solemnly apologize.XT Vengeance said he printed out the prologue and first 3 chapters earlier so he could edit it so I hope he can type up the 2 chapters and send them to me.This will not stop me from posting the rest of the story but...I just...*sigh*...

Chapter 4:Emergency Meeting
Spoiler:
"What the hay did you call us here for?" asked Applejack."I was sleeping when those two woke me up."

"Come on Applejack," said Rarity across the table."If Rainbow called a meeting then it must be important...like me!"

The table they were at was big,circular,and black. They used to have their meetings at a mansion-like building on the borders, but after Celestia and Luna confronted them they moved the meeting to Celestia's old castle, which remains neutral territory for the leaders. The old place was dark, with spider webs and dust everywhere.

"Would you guys be quiet!" said Rainbow Dash."Everyone seems to be accounted for...except Fluttershy and her adviser. Where are they?

Suddenly the doors burst open, Fluttershy walking in looking extremely angry.

"Why am I being woken up in the middle of the night by my adviser, and being told that I was told to come to this dump?!" she yelled, kicking a nearby vase backwards. Her adviser ducked as the vase flew by, then walked in slowly after seeing the danger was clear, taking her place next to the other advisers.

"Fluttershy,if you would take your seat you would see why" said Rainbow Dash.

"Whatever you say, Rainbow Crash!" said Fluttershy,taking her seat.

Rainbow Dash looked around the table. All the leaders were present. Then she looked at the wall,counting six total advisers, all waiting, like statues.

"Get to the point of us coming here!" yelled Pinkie Pie impatiently.

"Fine!" said Rainbow Dash."Now, you all remember the Cutie Mark Crusaders, right?" Everyone nodded."Well I found out that Scootaloo has been leaving Cloudsdale on a regular basis thanks to my cameras."

"Wait, you have cameras?" asked Twilight suspiciously.

"Yes, I do, now earlier I put them up around the borders, and until tonight, it seemed that those three fillies were only talking. But tonight, they slipped into what we have confirmed is a tunnel system. We assume there is a rebel group down there and originally called you here to think of a plan."

"And why should we help you?" asked Applejack.

"What's in it for me?" asked Rarity.

"Why would I need the help of you weak ponies!?" asked Pinkie Pie.

"Your all pathetic, you especially, Rainbow Crash." said Fluttershy.

Twilight sat and listened intently.

"You all wanna know why you should be worried?" asked Rainbow Dash."Because based on the size of those tunnels, we assume there is an army down there. If they attack all our areas will be overrun and those princesses will return to power!"

"And how exactly do you plan on stopping them?" asked Applejack.

Rainbow Dash just smiled and stomped her right hoof twice.

"You called?" asked a silhouette from a corner.

"I believe she did" said another from the same corner.

The two silhouettes walked out of the shadows with big grins on thier faces.

"Remember us, Applejack?" said Flim.

"What are these two doing here!?" asked Applejack angerily.

"They are here to help us with our problem." said Rainbow Dash.

"And how are these morons gonna help us?" asked Fluttershy.

"I'm glad you asked, my dear." said Flim.

"It is pretty simple, just let us show you." said Flam.

The pair walked to the large windows and opened them. Flim motioned for the leaders to come while Flam pulled a remote out of his vest and pushed a green button. A rumbling started happening while the ponies walked to the window.

"Now we have been working on this machine for a while but you called us last minute so it's not as powerful as we planned." said Flim.

"What is it?" asked Applejack.

"Its-" started Flam when the rumbling stopped.

"Its here." finished Flim.

Suddenly a creature burst from the ground outside. No, not a creature, a machine. It stopped in midair, right in front of the window. It looked like an alicorn, and had apparently used its horn to drill through the ground. It had spiked hooves and red eyes. It was about as tall as Celestia. Flam pressed a button and the automaton took off.

"If we are correct, AL-14 should be able to take out that rebellion before it can do anything." said Flim.

Flam sat the remote on the windowsill and waited casually with Flim as the leaders sat back down.

"Now...about our pay." said Flam.

"Of course, it's in the closet over there." said Rainbow Dash.

The two opened the door and seen it was empty. Twilight immediately kicked them in and locked the door.

"Good job Twilight...this meeting is over." said Rainbow Dash as she picked up the remote.Everyone left,eagerly waiting for the results of the plan.
Good news everyone! I did get the story so far printed. I have the Prologue edited so far. I will type it up later tonight, then post it here.
avatar
XT Vengeance
High Inquisitor of Jackassery

Posts : 6531
Brohoof! : 40
Join date : 2012-02-22

Character List:
Name:
Sex:
Species:

Back to top Go down

Re: Equestrian tyranny (fanfic)

Post by WalrusM3 on Tue Apr 03, 2012 7:41 am

Alright, decided to write some constructive critism this time, being that I have the time and the story is getting better, plus want to keep on helping ya Diamond Mint. So here it comes and be warned, I've became more confident and arrogant in my reviews, mostly because of the help other authors claim I give.
So here it goes, love the build and the character interaction, you've not only made us aware that they're all there, that's something I find hard to do is make it aware that all my characters are there and 6 is a stress for me. You've also managed to well mould all 6 of them, that I can image all 6 manes in the show change into this and I'm sitting with them and actually seeing them. I'm also really interested now to see how Flim and Flam get involved in this.
However, you, like all writers do, have problems. I don't swing because I don't like you, your story or because I think its funny, I do it because writers I pay attention to are worth something and I want to help them become even better writers and the only way to do that is tap on those weak points you have and I might keep repetitively doing this, if you don't sort them. However if you disagree with my opinions and brush them aside, fair enough, but please consider them at the very least.
So let us get started (Cracks fingers), now we discussed this last time, your still using full stops instead of commas (Few examples below) when ever you add a speech tag. Whats more you have a problem I have, you have too many speech tags. I know, you have six characters and want to make sure which ones are talking, but seriously there's few examples below where we know which ones are talking due to a conversation between two of them and such and we do know its this person. Rainbow Dash in particularly as we know she's the one answering questions and informing everyone. Really you're just too much making sure we follow and should trust us more, otherwise you just make us feel dumb and you don't like make us feel dumb do you? No. Here's some notes anyways I took while going through your work. Sorry if they're a bit harsh, I just have weird and probably cruel sense of humour.

then walked in slowly after seeing the danger was clear?. Well unless he walked in slowly because he hoped to get hit by another vase.
"Whatever you say, Rainbow Crash!" said Fluttershy,taking her seat./ I think we know that Fluttershy was the one who said it and you probably could've trust us to know she took her seat instead of telling.
Then she looked at the wall,counting six total advisers, all waiting, like statues/ Could you rephrase this, just doesn't sound right?
Rainbow Crash." said Fluttershy/ If you don't mind me saying, should have a comma, not a full stop.
"Twilight sat and listened intently." We know that Twilight was sitting, unless she got up at some point.
"What are these two doing here!?" asked Applejack angerily. I don't think you needed to mention Applejack said it angerily, considering how you had '!?' how rude it was.

Anyways look forward to reading more, keep on writing.
avatar
WalrusM3
Colt/Filly

Posts : 46
Brohoof! : 0
Join date : 2012-02-14
Age : 28
Location : Shetland isles

Back to top Go down

Re: Equestrian tyranny (fanfic)

Post by Permafrost on Tue Apr 03, 2012 11:30 am

WalrusM3 wrote:Alright, decided to write some constructive critism this time, being that I have the time and the story is getting better, plus want to keep on helping ya Diamond Mint. So here it comes and be warned, I've became more confident and arrogant in my reviews, mostly because of the help other authors claim I give.
So here it goes, love the build and the character interaction, you've not only made us aware that they're all there, that's something I find hard to do is make it aware that all my characters are there and 6 is a stress for me. You've also managed to well mould all 6 of them, that I can image all 6 manes in the show change into this and I'm sitting with them and actually seeing them. I'm also really interested now to see how Flim and Flam get involved in this.
However, you, like all writers do, have problems. I don't swing because I don't like you, your story or because I think its funny, I do it because writers I pay attention to are worth something and I want to help them become even better writers and the only way to do that is tap on those weak points you have and I might keep repetitively doing this, if you don't sort them. However if you disagree with my opinions and brush them aside, fair enough, but please consider them at the very least.
So let us get started (Cracks fingers), now we discussed this last time, your still using full stops instead of commas (Few examples below) when ever you add a speech tag. Whats more you have a problem I have, you have too many speech tags. I know, you have six characters and want to make sure which ones are talking, but seriously there's few examples below where we know which ones are talking due to a conversation between two of them and such and we do know its this person. Rainbow Dash in particularly as we know she's the one answering questions and informing everyone. Really you're just too much making sure we follow and should trust us more, otherwise you just make us feel dumb and you don't like make us feel dumb do you? No. Here's some notes anyways I took while going through your work. Sorry if they're a bit harsh, I just have weird and probably cruel sense of humour.

then walked in slowly after seeing the danger was clear?. Well unless he walked in slowly because he hoped to get hit by another vase.
"Whatever you say, Rainbow Crash!" said Fluttershy,taking her seat./ I think we know that Fluttershy was the one who said it and you probably could've trust us to know she took her seat instead of telling.
Then she looked at the wall,counting six total advisers, all waiting, like statues/ Could you rephrase this, just doesn't sound right?
Rainbow Crash." said Fluttershy/ If you don't mind me saying, should have a comma, not a full stop.
"Twilight sat and listened intently." We know that Twilight was sitting, unless she got up at some point.
"What are these two doing here!?" asked Applejack angerily. I don't think you needed to mention Applejack said it angerily, considering how you had '!?' how rude it was.

Anyways look forward to reading more, keep on writing.

This makes me actually happy. Your notes don't sound harsh, trust me I've heard worse. This character juggling act is only get harder later on so I'm happy I'm succeeding for the time being. Yes, commas vs. full stops still happens for me, but too many speech tags didn't cross my mind until you brought it up. Going back I see what you mean, I'll have to work on it. Thanks for the criticism ^_^
avatar
Permafrost
Earth Pony

Posts : 139
Brohoof! : 2
Join date : 2011-11-27
Age : 22
Location : Michigan,USA

Character List:
Name:
Sex:
Species:

Back to top Go down

Re: Equestrian tyranny (fanfic)

Post by WalrusM3 on Tue Apr 03, 2012 11:32 am

All in a days work
avatar
WalrusM3
Colt/Filly

Posts : 46
Brohoof! : 0
Join date : 2012-02-14
Age : 28
Location : Shetland isles

Back to top Go down

Re: Equestrian tyranny (fanfic)

Post by XT Vengeance on Tue Apr 03, 2012 6:52 pm

Alright people. I have started a new thread where i will post the chapters of this story as i edit them, to make things a bit easier for Mint. Please leave your feedback on this thread as opposed to the other one. Thanks.
Revised Edition:
avatar
XT Vengeance
High Inquisitor of Jackassery

Posts : 6531
Brohoof! : 40
Join date : 2012-02-22

Character List:
Name:
Sex:
Species:

Back to top Go down

Re: Equestrian tyranny (fanfic)

Post by Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

Page 1 of 2 1, 2  Next

View previous topic View next topic Back to top

- Similar topics

 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum