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[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Scienza on Sun Sep 28, 2014 1:28 pm

swicked wrote:
Icy Shake wrote:but then I remembered way back I used to ship Artemis/Holly from Artemis Fowl.
Wait, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't Artemis a boy genius twelve-year-old, and Holly an elven young adult (and so, like, WAY older than a human of a comparable age group)?
Tell me you at least aged them up.
He ages up over the course of the series, so he's like 18/21 (it's complicated) by the end. Also, elven aging means that they conveniently reach the same level of maturity within a few years anyway.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by swicked on Sun Sep 28, 2014 1:34 pm

I loved the first few books but Artemis just became progressively less interesting after he got his life back together and started being all good and stuff.
I honestly don't remember when I stopped following the series, but it was after the arctic one with all the Russians.

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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Vinylshadow on Sun Sep 28, 2014 1:44 pm

So the second book

The Arctic Incident

Goblins when they see Butler:
"Oh gods, it's a troll in clothes!"
"Why didn't I listen to mommy and stay out of the gangs?"


Still cracks me up

Strange I can remember those lines even though I haven't read the book in years...
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Icy Shake on Mon Sep 29, 2014 2:21 am

Vinylshadow wrote:Oh please, ButlerxHolly best ship
See, I think they friendship well, but Butler is just too attached to Artemis and the Fowls for me to really think of him as having a relationship outside of that. For goodness's sake, when Artemis disappeared, he just went to live alone by the ocean for three years. But yeah, for me, the biggest thing with Butler is pretty much Butler <> Artemis.

swicked wrote:
Icy Shake wrote:but then I remembered way back I used to ship Artemis/Holly from Artemis Fowl.
Wait, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't Artemis a boy genius twelve-year-old, and Holly an elven young adult (and so, like, WAY older than a human of a comparable age group)?
Tell me you at least aged them up.
I never put that much thought into it; I've never written anything, or had a story I wanted to tell, either there or anywhere else. The closest I've ever come is my engagement here, or thinking up pun based names for historical figures and places (mostly Europe circa late 18th to early 20th century) that could work for the world of Equestria, and maybe a snippet of explanation for them. Like House Windsoar (pegasi, Windsor), or Lord Lambsdown (Lansdowne) for people, or thoughts like the cows' homeland is Bovinia (Bohemia).
Anyway, between his rapid aging through the series, extreme intellectual maturity and emotional maturity not notably less than some people I met in college, and the fact I wasn't too far from his age at the time, I guess I didn't see that much of an issue. Didn't hurt that, yes, Holly came across as a younger adult too. 'Course, in absolute age terms, it is I think worse than Edward and Bella of Twilight. (Never mind, she's only about eighty.)

swicked wrote:I loved the first few books but Artemis just became progressively less interesting after he got his life back together and started being all good and stuff.
I honestly don't remember when I stopped following the series, but it was after the arctic one with all the Russians.
I read all the way to the end, but I thought that they got weaker as time went on, with the second to last forgettable enough that I ended up buying a second copy because I forgot having read it, and on the whole the last one starting out better, but ending in a place that left me really unsatisfied.

Speaking of unsatisfied . . . Poor Blackjack, getting all fired up and then just left with herself. Of course, chapter fifty six had a lot more than that, especially some more good Psalm and Lacunae work, which made me think about how Lacunae and Blackjack share many of the same virtues and faults, see the virtues in each other much more readily than in themselves, and forgive the faults in each other like they are nothing while clinging to their own guilt and shame like life preservers.

Chapter Fifty Six Running Thoughts:
Seeing the body was the first thing I’d demanded.  I’d imagined that maybe this was some kind of joke or trick or… something.

on the one hand, she's appropriately skeptical of this being real, since people plotting against her is pretty much a thing. On the other, this isn't that far outside the stuff that happens to her normally.


He’d been the first pony I’d ever been able to talk to about Goldenblood and the O.I.A.

Did you try that hard with Glory? Lacunae?


“But… why?  It doesn’t make any sense!  We only talked for a few hours and… and… I don’t deserve this!”

I like how "I don't deserve this" works in two different ways.


“Of course you don’t.  Honestly, do you think you were given that because you’re suited to rule?” . . . “King Awesome gave you rulership of the Society to save it from itself.” . . . “A powerful pony was needed.  In fact, we sent a representative west a week ago to contact  the Stable Dweller and bring her here.  And if not her, somepony in Tenpony Tower.  Or perhaps the celebrity DJ Pon3, if he could be tempted to mitigate his rantings.  Even Red Eye, if none other could be arranged.”

"I hope she isn't reached, Hoity, for your sake. The Stable Dweller is not as forgiving as I am."
Generic Tenpony pony could work, I guess, if you got someone with some pull. I don't think DJ Pon3 would have been all that interested in turning down his rhetoric. [And I don't think DJ Pon3 really has the chops to come mess up the place if her regent is killed.] Also, couldn't exactly leave. Red Eye probably wouldn't have left you with anything resembling the society you have now: at the least, I'd expect the aristocracy to be partially enslaved (think of how well the others of 101 fared), but at least the agricultural base would be preserved, unless everyone was imported to Filly or the Everfree.


“It’ll help Blackjack get past the ‘I don’t deserve good things’ shock if you tell her how this will bite her in the tail later on.”

I choose to believe that the "good things" is for Hoity's benefit, not meant to reflect how Glory thinks Blackjack feels about the event.


The staff, however, were in utter disarray.  Some had fled to rejoin families, while others were simply in shock.  The manager had committed suicide in her office.  Very disagreeable.  So we did what we did best--”
   “Started bossing people around?” P-21 asked with a frown.
   “Of course,” Hoity said without a bit of shame.

Hoity really wears the attitude well. It's as though just because the world as they new it ended, that doesn't mean his natural order needs to be upset.


We travelled down a staircase, into halls where there was much hustle and bustle in preparation for the Gala tonight.  Even a royal death couldn’t stop that party.

Le Roi est mort; vive la Reine! And their world marches on. Granted, if Awesome had chosen one of his children, it would probably be even more so, if with greater underlying instability in the long run.


“Oh, don’t be ridiculous.  Blackjack wasn’t serious.  Were you, Blackjack?” she said with a smile in my direction.  When I looked back blankly, she frowned and amended, “About wiping them out?”
    I blinked, flushed, and quickly added, “No.  Of course not,” then turned from her and muttered under my breath, “Mostly.”
   Rampage let out a feigned sneeze that sounded a lot like, “Whipped!”
   “Only if she behaves,”

Oh, sure, it's a nice comeback, but part of the deal is that she gets punishment for misbehaving, too.


Hoity stared at all the rest of us, fan frozen and jaw dropped.  “Nevermind them,” P-21 said brusquely with a wave of his hoof.  “You were telling us why Blackjack was chosen?”

P-21's playing his part well. But I don't think Hoity should ignore the fact that part of his new queen's party wants to wipe the place out, and the one telling him not to worry about it was caught spying and being strongly against the treatment of serfs as it exists now.


The ghoul blinked his filmy eyes and seemed to get back on track.

Did he take his glasses off?


“But… I… he…” I stammered, then tossed the crown as hard as I could at the ground.  It pinged, bounced off the floor, flipped end over end, and landed neatly on Boo’s head.  “He used me!”  The blank mare made a better queen than I did!

More weird coincidences. But that last part reminds me of the thing South Park once did with having a rabbit be the pope.


“Oh.  So I’m being hysterical, huh?  You sound just like the ponies in Medical!  I’m just a hysterical male, is that it?” P-21 snarled at her.

One of the better uses of "hysterical" I've seen in a while.


For a little moment, it had felt like I’d had a family again.  Only this time, instead of being silenced by Looks and imperious parental tones, I could have shared my thoughts with him.

Hmm. Missing part of what she has, I think, because for her, growing up, "family" just meant her and her mom.


Goddesses… for once I actually wanted the Goddess to take me over and end this complicated joke that was my life.

More extreme than normal, especially since I think it's the first time she felt that way with respect to someone she thought of as out-and-out evil, especially since the overmare, but not that far from some of her normal impulses and desires.


The shelves full of memory orbs were empty.  Also gone were some of the papers and articles that had been on the desk.  Only minor artifacts remained, curiosities that wouldn’t have told me things about Horizons.

Charm worked fast.


What lay beneath more resembled a ghoul than a pony.  Only a few tattered wisps of white mane remained, and her black hide was pale and riddled with sores.  Bloodshot eyes stared wearily out as she tried to levitate another packet of Rad-Away to her mouth, clutched her stomach, and vomited a slurry of red and orange.  Again and again her body hunched over as she retched but brought up nothing.  She collapsed on her side before the foul pool, sucking in gulps of air and coughing wretchedly.

I like this description.


“She came here to die,” I whispered softly.
“No.  It was in service to Luna,” Lacunae insisted.  “To serve was to earn forgiveness for sins.”
“How?  How does this earn forgiveness?”  I asked as I gestured at Psalm with outstretched forehooves as the black unicorn pulled herself to her hooves.  One up, she steadied herself, then proceeded to move through the balefire-gutted structure.
“You know,” Lacunae answered solemnly.

I think it's great how both Lacunae (for Psalm) and Goldenblood trusted, knew, Blackjack would understand them. Better is how they expected different things to come of it.

I watched the exhausted mare move onward, dying but devoted to action.  Every now and then, the memory around me blurred as she struggled to maintain consciousness.  I saw myself racing on, exhausted and terrified of sleep, till I finally had arrived at Yellow River.  Till I had crippled an innocent filly after nearly crushing Dusk’s head.  Of course Psalm wasn’t looking to die.  No more than I was being self-destructive while swearing to never attempt to commit suicide again.  It was a delusion I knew only too well.

That said, I'm not sure it really needed to be spelled out like that.


From somewhere came a sharp, hysterical screaming.  I’d heard screaming like that… the pain… it was the scream of a mare getting her cutie mark burned away.

Nice use of personal history to support the description there.


Elsewhere, pieces of flesh were being drawn together; wings, limbs, heads, and horns, forming slowly like budding plants before my eyes.  The creation of alicorns, some blue and others green.

Nice way to signal this is before Twilight was absorbed.


She connected the talisman to the terminal, linked to the MASEBS network, used an O.I.A. backdoor, password ‘Littlehorn’ and…
Hoofington Megaspell Command.
“Dear Luna…” I breathed as I watched in horrified fascination.  The network informed her that the facility was locked down due to EC-1101, and Psalm gave a frustrated sob, wiping away the blood and sweat from her ashen face.

So that's how she got it, I suppose. Or was it something else?


“You are not Luna!”  Psalm screamed, flinging the stone away as she scrambled back into a locker.  “You are… a thing!  I have seen true Goddesses, monster!”

This doesn't really feel right since I don't think the Goddess has claimed to be a goddess so far while Psalm was there. Unless maybe there's a mental part that isn't included in the memory, for some reason, and some of what the Goddess was saying that we did hear was out loud, but there's more that's telepathic, and Blackjack doesn't "hear" it because she's not experiencing it first person since the memory is still within Lacunae? Or is it just because the Goddess started talking to her after she said "For you, Luna" and tried to fire the megaspell, or the whole thing about saving Twilight and everyone?


“Blessed Luna, full of strength, be a shield against the darkness and the nightmares.  Be my silent protector against the darkness and our enemies.  Grant me your mercy and protection,” . . . “And empower me with the might to strike down your enemies.”

I really like this prayer. I wonder if it's a standard one for those who worshipped Luna at the time (plus or minus the last line), or a self-made one Psalm uses regularly, or specifically for the occasion.


“You’ve killed… I can see it… You monster!  Stay away!” the goddess screamed, and glowing blue tendrils pushed up through the floor, waving wildly as they tried to catch Psalm.

And it really is possible, likely, in fact, that Psalm's directly done more and far worse than anyone else in Unity at this point.


“Psalm… that’s your name, isn’t it?”  The Goddess said so softly, so compassionately that I wondered how it would be possible that she’d ever been this way.  “I know what it’s like to do bad things.  I know what it’s like to need forgiveness.  Please, don’t do this.”

Kind of like how you couldn't envision Luna doing what she did when you first saw her, or how the ministry mares started out as the season one Mane Six, and how Equestria itself lost much of what it once was?


“I know what it’s like to do bad things too.  I was once under the effects of something evil, but the bad things I did came from me.  I know what it’s like to want forgiveness so much it hurts.”

The Alicorn Amulet, I assume. Not so sure how I feel about its inclusion here. If nothing else, I'd have thought that would lead to Trixie being watched or something, and I could easily see it being used in the war effort. On which note, it almost seems a bit redundant with the black book.


The pain in her dragon-slitted eyes was every bit the same as the pain I’d seen in Psalm as she’d been ripped to pieces in a vengeful Unity.  “No…”
“Yes.  It’s all my fault.  The Goddess.  Your pain and misery.  What happened to you on the Seahorse.  Dying in Hightower.  Even your link to the Goddess.  It is all my fault,” she said as she trembled and closed her eyes.  “When you connected with me in the Collegiate, I took the opportunity… in my selfishness… to put pieces of myself inside you.  You were so selfless and they were so small that I convinced myself they could not be harmful.”  She sniffed and bowed her head.  “But I was wrong.  I’ve seen my memories poisoning you with every passing day.  Corroding your confidence.  Filling you with the self-destructive need that I’ve felt for two centuries.”

I'm not going to say it helped or anything, but Blackjack's pain was already there, with that coming after at least two suicide attempts. And I'm not sure I see a particularly strong connectino to the Seahorse or Hightower. The link, yes. On which note, one question down.

I stared at her, not comprehending.  “But… the Goddess?”
“I was the poison.  The first raider.  The monster most ponies couldn’t imagine.  The Goddess initially wanted to save Ponykind.  She still does, but I gave her the hatred.  I was the original sin!” she wept, shaking as she hugged herself.
“Huh?”

Yeah, I'm kind of with Blackjack here. This really smacks of gratuitous self-recrimination, to a narcissistic degree (again, see Blackjack and Gloldenblood). Just seeing her mind was enough to make the Goddess not only seek to kill her, but far more, which tells me the seed of evil wasn't really in Psalm at all.


“Would you have allowed yourself to be violated and tormented if I had not filled you with my own urges for my own relief?”
I actually laughed, bringing her up short.  “Probably.”

I suppose I have to reevaluate my thoughts on Lacunae understanding Blackjack and any ideas about her thinking Blackjack would understand based on this subsequent information. Which is too bad, as I really liked what I had thought to be the case.


“Because, the Goddess plans to use you as I was used and this must not happen.  The only way to sever the connection permanently is for you to kill me.  I cannot do it myself,” Lacunae said as she closed her eyes again.
My answer was without hesitation.  “No way.”

Like teacher like student. But the reasoning behind the request is still very different.


For once, do what is right and selfish and kill me!

I love this line.


“Is there any one of us that isn’t emotionally screwed up?” I asked as I looked out the window and into the rain pouring into the reservoir.  “I mean, is that just me?  Or the world?  Or what?”
“Boo, I think,” Lacunae replied quietly.

Eh . . . I guess. Her state still is pretty far from "normal."


“Someday, I want one good day.  A day with music and dancing and good food.  Some time when we can all be happy.  Do you think I can just command one?”

Ahem. Chapter 51: A Good Day. ;D


“Okay.  Probably give it to Splendid.  Or Grace.  Or Charm.  Or just throw it in the middle of a crowd and run for the nearest exit.”

That's . . . not that far off.


“I wish you and Psalm could have been friends.  Before Psalm joined the war,” Lacunae said regretfully.  “I think… I think you would have made her a better pony.”
I snorted and smiled back at her. “Of course not.  I would have gotten us both stinking drunk, tattooed like zebras, and thrown in jail.”  She sighed, but smiled and shook her head with a smile of resignation.

Unstated: "As I said: a better pony."


These ponies created a whole display of disposing of one of their dead, one they didn’t even care that much for.

Umm . . . you do that pretty frequently. Sure, you care more, but there was a whole funeral thing with Chapel for Priest, you made a thing out of burying Hoss, just last chapter you took that skeleton down from the wall.


“I’ve been shot at, blown up, burned, had my limbs ripped off, replaced, ripped off again, and you use… a knife?”  I levitated the blade to my mouth, flicked off the blood, and then began to eat it from the tip.  Chewing each bite deliberately, I maintained my stare, and since I didn’t have to blink, I could do it a very long time.

And that's what we call "making a point."


“Being Queen sucks,” I muttered telepathically to Lacunae as I laid out on King Awesome’s bed-- technically my bed now-- hugging a pillow and sulking.

There isn't all that much Blackjack never figured out how to sulk over, is there?


The Stable-Tec testbeds were amazing; I can only imagine what stables had been rich and extravagant enough to have entire orchards growing underground in perfectly secure environments.

I think she would be disappointed by the reality. Still better than the recycling of 99, I'm sure.


Four magic bullets had streaked up to her position at the mouth of a vent.  One had gotten lucky, punching right through her eye and out the back of her skull.  I didn’t correct the onlookers on their assumption that I could kill with a thought from a hundred yards away.

Yeah, she's really gotten better with that if she can do it from a hundred yards. With S.A.T.S. and against a target who couldn't move, sure, and only a one in four hit rate, but still. As for the onlookers' assumption, isn't that basically true? Isn't that what she just did?


I needed a segue just as much as she did.  “I’m no good at parties!”

I just have trouble seeing that as true. I think she might have done fine at the chapter 70 party if it weren't with so much hanging over her head. I thought she liked Scotch's cutecenera. She just needs a more favorable setup, and maybe someone to divert her from any guilt trips she starts to embark on.


“I was security.  It was my job making sure that nopony was having sex in the bathrooms or raiding Medical for party favors,” I replied with a sigh.  “I can count the number of parties I’ve been to on my hooves.”

She has to be exaggerating. If nothing else, what about the overmare's birthday before she started in security? Then there was the one where she raped P-21, and Scotch's cutecenera.


I’ve got a few very precious nerve endings in my hind end that I’m very grateful for, and that’s about it.  It takes some real extreme stimulation for me to feel much at all.”
   She blinked, her eyes popped wide, and her face immediately assumed a rosy shade.  “Ah.  I… I didn’t know that.”
   I gave a little smile, “You know, back in 99, I never really appreciated my--“
   “Blackjack!” She blurted with an exasperated half smile.  “There is such a thing as knowing too much!”

Grace is a lot more . . . sexually restrained than her siblings seem. Also, I'm not sure Blackjack was going to follow up with more of that. And I was always under the impression she had a fair amount of feeling even where there were the subdermal augments, even if less than normal.


I gazed at her and then threw my hooves around her.  “Cousin!  I have a cousin!  Three cousins!”

Well, probably more if you count P-21, Scotch, and anyone else from 99. Also means you killed a "cousin" in Prince Blueblood, via Cadence and Celestia.


Then there was a knock on the door.
“Don’t come in!  I’m having wild royal rutting in here!” I called out in a surge of recklessness.  Grace’s eyes grew wide.
“You better not be without me!” Glory said, pushing the door open.  My laughter died into a squeak as it was my turn to go red.

Blackjack: master decision maker. You'd think she'd have learned from the "champion" incident.


“I’m not, but that’s just me.  I still say you should auction it to the highest bidder.  Maybe give it to the Society janitor.  That’d be a hoot,” Rampage quipped.
“I’ll keep that as plan B,” I said dryly.

I think that's at least the second thing Rampage has suggested that Blackjack's offered to keep as plan B.


“Anyway, there’s somepony that wants a trade.  He wants the crown to go to Charm.  In return, he’ll give you ten thousand caps and King Awesome’s complete collection of memory orbs.”  She paused and added, “He also said that if you give the crown to anypony but Charm, he’ll give you a bag of crushed memory orbs.”

Ah, somepony knows what Blackjack cares about. Granted, not that hard to figure out given her spending hours talking about the past with Awesome. Also, I like the choice of 10,000 caps, since even though it's probably a coincidence, it's what she needed to get EC-1101 decoded, and she put so much work into earning, and now that much is being offered just like that. And possibly as a kicker.


“Sell!  Sell!  Sell!  Sell!” Rampage chanted, earning a glare from Glory.
“Stop,” Glory growled, getting a tongue stuck out at her by the striped mare.  “What are you, five?”

Probably, maybe a little bit less.


“I never met a guard immune to bribes, bullets, or blowjobs,” Rampage commented
“Okay, I think I know what we need to do,” I said, a complex plan coming together.

Offer bribes and blowjobs so it doesn't come down to bullets?


Rampage strolled over, standing in front of him, her armor coated in blood and viscera.  “Really?  That’s the best you can do?”  She then looked at me, a length of purple intestine dangling to the side of her face.  “What?  ”
“You know, you might be really obnoxious, but there are moments I’m glad you’re on our side,” P-21 said in complete honesty before he approached the slain ponies.
“Aw, come and give me a hug!” she said, spreading her blood drenched forelegs wide as she grinned.
“And the moment’s over,” P-21 said.

Sometimes it really is easy to forget Rampage is, in addition to a complex and sympathetic character shrowded in mystery, a ridiculously violent and funny savage. Also, P-21 can straight man pretty well, if not as strongly as Glory.


The Society wanted to get to their fun and games, and I was the four hundred pound cyberpony futzing everything up.

+1 Blackjack fat joke. :D


I’d publically declared that if I were killed, Rampage had full carte blanche to take my revenge on the perpetrators and left it vague as to if that meant the actual assassins, the Society, or everypony in the Hoof who’d looked at me wrong.  Apparently, according to Hoity, it’d gotten three to abandon their plots for the time being.

Not quite it, but Blackjack's pulled Good Cop/Bad Cop before, right? Though I bet in the past she may have used herself for Bad instead of Good Cop. Not sure on that, though. But after a certain point, it's hard not to think about the whole "softest heart in the Wasteland" thing.


“Splendid?” I asked as he started in on last year’s figures.  The white stallion paused beside a chalkboard with rows of numbers on it.  “Why the fuck are you telling me all this?”
   “As leader of the Society…” he began, and I raised my hoof, cutting him off.
   “Not leader.  Let’s drop that pretense.  I’m not leading anything.  I’m picking the leader.  That’s the deal.  And you’re smart enough to know that.  So why tell me all this?”  I asked sharply.
   He coughed, looking away.  “You’re a lot smarter than when we first met.”

1. Yes she is. But come on, it's not exactly to be smarter than fresh-out-of-the-stable Blackjack.
2. My inital guess is the point is to impress her with his knowledge of the operations to make her more inclined to choose him.


But more importantly, with pegasi and the bay, we’ll be able to send our goods farther than ever!  We can reach Manehattan by boat or air infinitely faster than on foot or via caravans.”

You also get much getter cargo capacity and a better manpower ratio with freighters than overland, especially absent rail.


“We’ve argued over this since we were foals.  She’d rather waste time and energy trying to reform the Society.  Kick out the bad apples, give the serfs more rights and shorter hours, even pay them a few shares!  What would serfs do with money?”

Why, it's almost like she thinks serfs are people! Can you imagine?


“We’ve got more than half our security force keeping the serfs in line.  If we employed more stringent methods to get them to work, that would free up ponies to secure the rest of the Hoof.  More liberal use of explosive collars.  Using chems to keep them working longer and more productively.  More energetic recruitment.”  With a huff, he continued, “They come to us, begging for food and safety.  The second we provide it, they work as absolutely little as possible.  Worse, they grow resentful, and some even become threats.  If we crack down harder, we won’t need so many here.”

Quick, back up! You're losing the audience!
Also, where have we seen chems being used to keep "workers" working longer and more productively? Hmm. Still beats the Red Eye system of threats, starvation, and near-complete lack of medical care, though.


“That’s because you’re trying to be the saint of the Wasteland and do better and all that.  Personally, it’s absolutely amazing to me.  I would have killed half these fuckers in the first five minutes if I were in your horseshoes.”  She chuckled and then patted my back.  “If it’s any consolation, I admire what you’re trying to do.  I think you’re stupid for trying it, but when is that any different?”

Okay, so she's definitely still in admiring Blackjack mode, but getting more antsy over the restraints placed on her.


Can’t things just be easy?  Like tell everypony trying to kill everypony else to just kill Blackjack instead.  They can kill me and then they won’t have to kill each other and--“

Well that's a little on the nose. Gotta give her, right now, that death is looking fairly attractive in the place of being the new Lacunae.

She hit me.  The blow knocked me right off my hooves and sent me sprawling.

I like the inversion of Blackjack always shooting Rampage in the head.


Then she trotted over, picked me up, and gave me a hug.  “Idiot,” she muttered.

"It's not like I care about your panic attack or anything. I just had an unusually great need for you to shut up."


Then the door was pushed open, admitting a frantic looking Charm.  “Blackjack!  They’ve taken them!”  I closed my eyes, feeling the urge to sic Deus on this place rising by the second.  “They took Scotch Tape and Boo!  They said if you don’t make me in charge, they’ll kill them!”

Damn it, Charm, you're being way too transparent, again! Sure, it wasn't teaching her to dance and listening to Blackjack talk about her sex life, but Splendid's talk of his ambitions to be built on the backs of yet worse treatment of the serfs was better than this.


The pair dropped Boo and struggled for their weapons as they backpedaled away from the mare.  One tripped, falling on his back and shooting wildly into the air.  The bullets struck the chassis of a cart hanging from hooks on the ceiling.  With a crunch, the chassis fell free, striking both scrambling ponies with a resounding crunch.

Looks like Boo's jinxed effect is at it again.


“He’s going to break her neck!  Any second now!  He’s going to do it!”  She looked at me, then at the stoic minotaur holding Scotch Tape by the neck.  “Do it!”

Okay, there's someone in the story less capable of maintaining a charade than Cognitum. At least Charm has the excuse of being really young, though I guess you can't blame Cogs too much since she flat-out doesn't care.


“Ow!  Stop it!  You can’t do this to me!  I’m a princess!  You can’t prove anything!” Charm squealed as Scotch Tape bit her ear and growled like she was going to tear it off!

Yeah, go Masticator on her!


Scotch blinked at me, and then her lips curled in an expression of sheer deviousness.  I swear her ears seemed to pull into horns as she looked at the white filly.

And she's even the right color, too! (Though I guess that was hair.) You're a mean one, little Scotch . . .


But part of virtue is letting others choose to be virtuous, and living with them when they choose not to be.  That’s freedom.  It’s a messy business at times.  And it’s hard.  Damned hard.  But at the end of the day, you can look yourself in the eye and know you’re the better pony.

And I think we have our summation of Horizons for this chapter.


Boo gave a disgusted little noise, sticking her tongue out.  I looked at her again.  She couldn’t... but that was ridiculous.  There was no way she could be hearing Dealer.  It was impossible.

Well, a lot of pretty impossible things happen around Blackjack.


Lacunae raised her shield, but what came down was not an onslaught of bullets or energy blasts, but a spark grenade and a strange black river rock with a spiral carved into the surface.  The world flared to white static, then darkness, as I perceived the most curious slurping sensation.  It was as if something was being sucked through my entire body.  Then the Goddess let out a scream that trailed away to nothing.

Ah yes, I think I remember that rock.


“Okay, if this is something kinky, thanks but now really isn’t the best time,” I said, hoping to not say whatever phrase would result in a pulled trigger.  “And we really should ask Glor--”
“Release your curse on him,” a stallion muttered from behind me.  Soon as he spoke, my back began to itch.  
“Lancer,” I muttered.  Sexy thoughts retreated... a little.

Well, you know, if you're being kidnapped and are probably going to need to kill some people, might as well enjoy it, right? Also, captor plays pronoun game so protagonist has to as who he's talking about. +1 sin  :)


“I didn’t curse your father with some kind of magical mysterious Maiden powers.  I’m not even a maiden.  You can check yourself if you want!”  What?!  Why in Equestria did I blurt that?!  This was not tied up sexy time!  This was tied up and going to die time!  Get with the program, libido!

And yeah, so Blackjack in on her cycle now.


So you did something to him.  Cast some... some vile Equestrian spell.  Like you’re trying to do now!”
“Now?”  I asked, nonplussed.
“With... your body... and the thoughts you’re trying to put inside my head!  Desist!  Now!”  There was a note of panic in his voice as I gave a little squirm, smiling.  “That!  Stop... that!”  A rather disturbing level of my subconscious positively purred.  Maybe I was the one who was cursed...

So, has Lancer never been around a mare, zebra or pony, while she was in estrus? Can't he recognize that? Or is he just in denial (okay, he's in denial about various things, but this in particular)? Anyway, not enough to strongly incline me toward Blacklance, but still a pretty hot scene.


“Mother... mother said father was not what he seemed.  I called her a liar!  One of his wives shouldn’t speak so dishonorably to him!  But... but she persisted.  She said there was a wrongness in him.  And she took my sister and other doubters and fled.”

Well, it's not like she was 100% correct or anything relevant like that.

“Sekashi’s your mother?”  I asked, and then cursed myself for the slip of my tongue and tried to catch myself, “She was, wasn’t she?”

Smooth.


“Closer,” I purred, images of black and red maned zonies frolicking in a part of my mind that had gone quite crazy.

And, if there was ever any doubt . . .


“Evil...” he whispered, and then went limp.

Was the double entendre intentional? Also, when is Glory going to walk in?


He didn’t look so good, now that I saw him properly.

Saw him at all, really.


“Take him out of here,” I replied, then knelt beside him, searching him for any other voidstones... but no.  “You are one scary, messed-up zebra.  I hope you find some peace, Lancer,” I said, and kissed his cheek.  He was a murderer, true, and would probably try to kill me again, but then so was I and I couldn’t honestly say I didn’t deserve it.

Man, it took a lot less than a kiss to curse Xanthe. Anyway, I can't think of anything with respect to Lancer specifically that would really mean she deserved to be killed. Everything was pretty much his fault, after all. But in general, fine, you can have your precious little guilt trip.


Then she’d be one pissed Goddess.  But until then, there was something I had to do...
I cleared the door, poked my head out into the hall, and eyed one of my bodyguards.  The two stallions jumped.  “Yes, Your Majesty?” one asked.  Stringy.  Not what I was looking for.  I eyed the other.  Better, but not quite what I wanted.  If I couldn’t imagine the babies... And, I thought with a sigh, Glory would kill me.  And not in a fun way.
“Nevermind,” I muttered as I stepped back inside and closed the door.  Well, in the meantime, I had the old Stable 99 standby...  Sticky hooves...

Yay self-control! Helped, I guess, by just not having any hot guys around. But take what you can get.


“Sure.  It’s fun.  It brings the stable together.  It passes the time.  Oh, yeah, and fun.  Just don’t do it in public or with family, and make sure it’s all consensual,”

Offer not valid to all genders. Void where prohibited.


I gave a squee and kissed her hard enough to curl her hooves.  I wondered if I could catch Lancer again and give him a reason not to want me dead.  I’d show him curses!  I’d curse him with the inability to walk straight!

Well, if he's healed up first, I guess. But is it really considered a good idea to have sex right after getting a bruised testicle?


Okay, so it's not the best one they have, but I like the sex talk between Blackajack and Glory.
Chapter Fifty Six Overall Thoughts:
So, intrigue! After some history from Hoity Toity—one key point of which was that if there had been pegasus help, a real recovery could have started almost immediately in the Hoof at Elysium Fields, where the aristocrats and staff were already making some headway, but in time descended to barbarism and cannibalism—Blackjack gets attacked out of nowhere at least four times, and I think there's a bomb at some point. And Boo and Scotch Tape are kidnapped, during which Boo's kill count increments by two. Pain Train is back, and seems a lot more reasonable than before, largely on the basis that he figures Blackjack could beat him again if she wanted to, and correctly identified that kidnapping her friends was a bad idea. On which note, Charm has a long way to go before she's on an even competent level of plotting and manipulation. Sure, she gets points for quickly grabbing and holding hostage Awesome's memory orbs, but her utter transparency regarding the Boo/Scotch abduction was painful. I hope Scotch had a good time teaching her a lesson, but it just occurred to me that Blackjack let Charm and Scotch go off alone with Rampage. Splendid's probable "assassination attempt," some guy with a knife, with Splendid acting belatedly as a savior/intervenor, despite the fact that getting stabbed didn't even raise an eyebrow for Blackjack in terms of physical harm. On the plus side, her reaction, slowly eating the blade of the knife and telling them they'll need to try harder, was pretty good. Giving Rampage license to take revenge on some amorphous group that could range from the assassin(s) to anyone in the Hoof who ever looked at Blackjack wrong, was a nice good cop/bad cop moment.

On the whole, only Splendid's plans for the Society seem particularly well-defined. He wants to increase the use of bomb collars; get more labor out of serfs with chems; and increase the "recruitment" on serfs, guards, or both, in order to underwrite an expansion all over Hoofington, focusing on important trading points like Paradise and the Ironhoof Naval Base. Blackjack's not thrilled by the costs side of that ledger. Blackjack and the Dealer basically see it as turning a big chunk of Hoofington into Stable 99 to buy some peace. In contrast, it's said that Charm would just run the place to sate her personal desires, which is completely believable; she's compared to Stable 99's last overmare. Regarding Grace's agenda, we pretty much just get "serf reform," without a lot of detail. From Grace herself, there was more focus on her plans to leave once someone else took power, since it would be too dangerous for her to stay and be seen as an alternative to whoever won out. On the plus side, she played nicely with Blackjack, teaching her how to dance and sharing some personal conversation.

One of the highlights was Lacunae sharing a memory with Blackjack. The mechanics are different than normal, with both traveling through the memory as observers rather than either really experiencing it in first person mode, which also enables them to interact with each other. The memory is Psalm at Maripony, "trying" to complete her mission by killing Twilight, but really hoping more than anything that she'll just die, preferably to Twilight. She arrives just as Twilight is being absorbed into Unity. The Goddess offers Psalm forgiveness, and the salvation she wants to give everyone (though at the moment just limited to the base, since she doesn't know what's happened outside). Psalm of course refuses, as she already has her true goddesses and sees the Goddess as a monster. She tries to kill the Goddess with a balefire egg launcher, but is stopped by the Goddess's powerful magic. The Goddess reads her mind, seeing all Psalm has done, and, because Psalm had refused to join and tried to fight, forces her in and thinks of ways to use her. Lacunae sees this as a sign that it was she who caused the evil in the Goddess, that before her "original sin" was added, the Goddess only wanted to help. Neither Blackjack nor I am really convinced by this. Lacunae finally explains that it was she who made the link between Blackjack and Unity, by dumping the Psalm memories in Blackjack as the Goddess had put so many in her. She believes that it was this that led to so much pain for Blackjack, including her "allowing" the Seahorse to happen and the lead-up to Yellow River and Boing. This strikes me as profoundly narcissistic thinking, considering the mind dive when the memory transfer took place happened after both of Blackjack's direct suicide attempts. For once, "it's not always about you, Lacunae." Anyway, Lacunae is sharing all this to tell Blackjack that she needs to kill her so she can avoid becoming the new Lacunae. Blackjack, of course, doesn't even see that as an option. Now, one of the things that I think might have been a missed opportunity was increasing the parallel between Lacunae and Goldenblood later on with the interrogation device, and his belief that Blackjack would understand and execute him. And there are certainly some parallels there. Both looking for an end game in which Blackjack kills them, but for different reasons, of course. But I was thinking it might have been interesting if Lacunae had given the memories to Blackjack, perhaps not instead of just to relieve herself of a burden, but at least also as a way of sharing that past with someone who would understand, and forgive her, to contrast with Goldenblood's hope that she would understand, and damn him. Instead, we see that Lacunae in large part didn't understand Blackjack as well as I'd thought, and ironically made everything worse by forcing on her a burden that she probably would have taken willingly if asked. But the misunderstanding itself is a common factor with that Goldenblood interaction, so there's that. The memory itself ends with a touching interaction between Lacunae and Blackjack, with the Goddess looking on and showing a moment of forbearance. But there's more, including something Lacunae says that's echoed, sort of, in the chapter by Blackjack, saying that she wants Blackjack to just to the selfish thing for once and kill her, as she's nothing and many more might be saved if she were to die. Later, Blackjack wishes that she could just get everyone in Hoofington to just try to kill her, so that they wouldn't be trying to kill each other anymore. Despite, of course, having made a big deal about how friends don't let friends die if there's a choice.

Towards the end, we have the return of Lancer. He takes out Lacunae and Blackjack with a voidstone and spark grenade, coincidentally saving Blackjack from being taken off to Unity (as the Goddess had just got full control over her) for the time being. He gets Blackjack blindfolded and bound, and wants her to lift the curse on his father. Naturally, there is no curse, but Lancer doesn't buy this too easily, and takes as evidence the fact that she's cursing him right then, as indicated by how much he inexplicably wanted to bang her. Of course, he's stupid and/or in denial about the fact that she's just clearly in estrus, as well as other things. However, Blackjack is at least able to get him to admit that his mother, Sekashi, had doubts about him, felt that there was a wrongness about him. In the end, Blackjack convinces Lancer that she has a counterspell for the curse, but can only whisper it, so he must get close in order to hear it. Then she escapes from the ropes holding her legs, kicks him hard in the testicles, and takes off the blindfold. He's done, and ends up being taken away. But Blackjack's still horny; fortunately, the guards don't do anything for her and she decides that, especially since she didn't want to hurt Glory, she'd just go and spend some time with her hoof instead. Boo wasn't happy about that, being in the same room at the time. Glory shows up, and there's some sex talk, but not one of the biggest. Turns out Glory had sex with Splendid. It was okay, but she's not looking for more sex with stallions, and doesn't like thinking about them that way. Blackjack doesn't care, and if anything is happy for her. She could have sex with every stallion and mare in the Society, and Blackjack wouldn't care. Glory is having trouble getting used to that outlook, and takes a bit of an affront to the news that Blackjack almost had sex with a zebra, but in the end backs down and, in light of her own time with Splendid, says that if something happens with Blackjack, it happens, as long as it's discreet, she never hears about it, and it's just one guy.
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Icy Shake
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Icy Shake on Mon Sep 29, 2014 2:24 am

Chapter Fifty Six Editing:
witnessing the relaxed expression on his face…. Damnit!  I’d liked the old stallion.

ellipsis should have only three dits, second space after it, "Damn it" or "Dammit"


And now he was gone and I was Queen and… “Tell me you are fucking

should have second space after ellipsis


representative west a week ago to contact  the Stable Dweller and bring her here

extra space between "contact" and "the"


“So what happened?” Scotch Tape asked,

comma after "So"?


Some even turned to…egghhh

space needed after ellipsis


immense ballroom that served as the throneroom.

"throne room"


“Oooh!” Rampage grinned broadly at me

should have second space after quotation


Why at all?  Damnit!  All I’d wanted

"Damn it" or "Dammit"


almost everypony in the Hoof. Think of the good the

only one space after period


“You’re not thinking straight because of 99!”  Glory yelled in P-21’s face
“I beg your pardon?”  Hoity blustered.

extra space after quotation


Laying there in the middle of the room

"Lying"


makes me crown her as regent.”  I said as I looked

period to comma, extra space after quotation


despite the green snow laying around them.

"lying"


collapsed and left almost a  full third of it hanging out

extra space between "a" and "full"


“How?  How does this earn forgiveness?”  I asked as I g
What is it?”  I asked Lacunae,

extra space after quotation


A chaotic storm of blue energy flickered and flashed over the living, magical mass, occasionally coalescing into the shape of a twisted, agonized mare

is it the energy that coalesces into that shape? If not, suggest dropping the comma after "mass" or "magical mass that occasionally coalesced into"


Elsewhere, pieces of flesh were being drawn together; wings, limbs, heads, and horns, forming slowly like budding plants before my eyes.

semicolon to colon?


She pushed her way into a lab marked ‘experimental weapon development’,

Should the words on the sign be capitalized?


‘Manual discharge of Megaspell overriden per EC-1101 command.  

"overridden"


“You… You don’t belong here.

second space after ellipsis or don't capitalize second "You"


“You are not Luna!”  Psalm screamed, flinging the

extra space after quotation


I can see it… You monster!  Stay away!” the goddess screamed,

should have second space after ellipsis, "goddess" should be capitalized


or perhaps the rad-away and potion,
another packet of Rad-Away to her mouth,
bottles and ate a tablet of Buck, sucked some Rad-Away,
"RadAway"


“Psalm… that’s your name, isn’t it?”  The Goddess said

extra space after quotation, "The" shouldn't be capitalized


so she would kill you.” The Goddess said around us as we floated

period to comma, "The" shouldn't be capitalized


supposed to make it all… all right…”  she suddenly frowned and lifted the B.E.L. again. “No

"she" should be capitalized, only one space after period


“No!”  Psalm’s voice cried out

extra space after quotation


Then the disintigration stopped.

"disintegration"


I was a master of self abuse.

"self-abuse"


“You must!”  Lacunae replied.

extra space after quotation


I snorted and smiled back at her. “Of course not

only one space after period


“Let’s get you inside, your highness.

"Your Highness"


normal pony, sure.” Rampage said with a roll

period to comma


Lacunae as I laid out on King Awesome’s bed-- technically my bed now-- hugging a pillow

"lay", maybe cut "out", symmetrical spacing about dashes


What happened to you on the Seahorse

"Seahorse" should be italicized


So long as father lived, he’d have a chance to

"father" should be capitalized


Even when its gone, and you know its gone, you can still feel it there.”

"it's" in each case


I gave a little smile, “You know, back in 99, I never really appreciated my--“

first comma to period or add a speaking verb, inverted quotation mark at the end


“Blackjack!” She blurted with an

"She" shouldn't be capitalized


“If father was to be believed, yes.  Why?”

"father" should be capitalized


“Well… If I’m Twilight’s descendant, and you’re

second space after ellipsis or "If" shouldn't be capitalized


she said matter of factly, but then saw my stare

"matter-of-factly"


but the Goddess’ prohibition clamped down tight.

"Goddess's"


“It’s just… my life.”  I said with a

period to comma, extra space after quotation


She sighed and looked towards the reservoir, “Yesterday

comma to period or add a speaking verb


I huffed as well, laying back on the bed,

"lying"


Glory smiled, “Second bit is that the

comma should be period, or add a speeking verb.


“Ehhh…” The thought of Goldenblood’s

should have second space after quotation


matter how we feel about it?”  P-21 told the cyan

extra space after quotation


looking for my daughter.” P-21 said as

period should be comma


bribes, bullets, or blowjobs,” Rampage commented

need a comma there at the end


Like a flash she was on them, kicking and stomping with her bladed hooves.

I think Rampage had power hooves at this point, not claws. (From 55: “Mmm... miss the old claws.  Just can’t pick my nose with power hooves.”)


dangling to the side of her face.  “What?  ”

extraneous spaces between question mark and quotation mark


entrails as a fashion statement, sat boredly at my side as my ‘champion

maybe just "bored"?


So why tell me all this?”  I asked sharply.

extra space after quotation


her mouth before asking,  “Do we have to talk about this?”

extra space after comma


And I thought Glory was boring….” she tried for a laugh, but it didn’t last.

ellipsis should have only three dots, and I think there should be another space after the quotation and "she" capitalized


“Like my cyberlegs?”  I suggested.

extra space after quotation


“Oh let’s see!  Get to Thunderhead

comma after "Oh"?


how many you killed--“
have to kill each other and--“

inverted quotation mark


I didn’t get up, laying there, head pounding and staring at the wall.

"lying"


“I’m certain they might have!”  Charm blurted

extra space after quotation


little white carts that now laid nearby like heaps of snow .  “I’m

"now lay", there's a space between "snow" and the period


How did you find--“ the mare began, but

inverted quotation mark


“She’s free!  Huzzah!  How wonderful!” she said with ebullient glee.
I looked up at Pain Train.  “Thanks,” I replied as I knelt beside Scotch Tape and checked her over.
“We’re even.  Was a stupid plan anyway,” he muttered.

If the "Thanks" is directed at Pain Train, which seems to be the case, "replied" isn't a good match since the reply more related to Charm.


you’re talking about!”  Charm said as she backed away
I felt sorry for you!”  Scotch screamed as she

extra space after quotation


as she rolled, bit, hit and kicked Charm.

comma needed after "hit"


I looked at the battered filly, “Well?”

comma should be period, or add a speaking verb.


And you want daddy’s memory orbs, Blackjack.

"daddy" should be capitalized


I glanced at Rampage, “Make sure she doesn’t

comma should be period, or add a speaking verb.


“Yes, ma’am.”  They replied, saluting

period to comma, extra space, "They" shouldn't be capitalized


He nailed me to the floor with his gaze, “Is your goal to turn the

comma should be period, or add a speaking verb.


order and virtue at once?”  I asked with a

extra space after quotation


It was impossible. I rubbed my chin

only one space after period


“No,” I frowned.

comma should be period, second space


What’s happening to you?” He asked as he walked

"He" shouldn't be capitalized


black book are in the Goddess’ possession,

"Goddess's"


special fate for them all!”  she crowed.

extra space after quotation


I laughed, wondering how... Then a gun pushed to my

second space needed after ellipsis


“Lies!” He snapped.
“Silence!” He snapped.
and he was to defeat you!”  He said from above me

"He" shouldn't be capitalized (extra space after the quotation for the third)


he arrived...” Lancer’s voice broke.

should have second space after quotation


I said as I laid there, imagining

"lay there"


He huffed, “No.  But it shouldn’t

comma should be period or there should be a speaking verb


“Now?”  I asked, nonplussed.

extra space after quotation


“Mother... mother said father was not what he seemed.

"mother", "father" should be capitalized


“Sekashi’s your mother?”  I asked, and then cursed myself for the slip of my tongue and tried to catch myself, “She was, wasn’t she?”

extra space after quotation. Does "tried to catch myself" count as a speech tag?


Now tell me how to break the curse you’ve place on him!”

"placed"


unable to hide my smirk as I laid there,

"lay"


“I... I believe so.” Her horn flickered

Only one space after period


You can not interfere.”

In this context, "cannot"


“A zebra antimagic grenade fetish

maybe "anti-magic"? I could see "antimagic" being a separate thing in this setting . . .


And that stupid part of me still still wanted to!

"still, still" or delete the extra "still"


If I couldn’t imagine the babies... And, I thought with a sigh,

should have second space after ellipsis or not capitalize "And"


“So, who was it?”  I asked with a smile

extra space after quotation


“Well was he?” I pressed, grinning at her.

comma after "Well"


She chewed her lip a moment, “Probably...”

comma should be period, or add a speaking verb


“No.  If it happens, it does.  Just... keep it discrete.

"discreet"
Other Editing:
23:
Scotch tape ducked down from behind it with wrench in her jaws and a

"tape" should be capitalized


Twilight looked liked she’d aged a lot recently.

"looked like"


“Hey…”  he murmured as he closed his eyes.

extra space after quotation


Your family.  Your mother--“

Inverted quotation mark


She sighed again as she plucked a gobbet of radroach meat from the corpse with her horn and deposited it with a into a plastic jar kept for Rampage’s high protein diet.

There's something up with the "with a": either there shoudl be something after it describing how it was put into the jar, or "with a" should be cut, I think


Be peeved.  Mildly annoyed.  Disguntled?

"Disgruntled"


“Woah.  I can see a little target in my vision.”

"Whoa"


“So lets hear it for Security, for fighting the good fight and taking it right to the heart of the matter.

"let's"


He took the knife and cut off a huge hunk, munching noisly.

"noisily"


I mean, Hoofington’s a long long way from Manehattan.

comma after first long?


“And then…  then… I activated

should have only one space after first ellipsis


“Woah woah woah!  This pass is for Stable 90!

"Whoa"


26:
not daring to try and hold her for fear that I’d drop Scotch tape.

"tape" should be capitalized


She looked at my barding in suspiction.

"suspicion"


Lacunae whispered solemly in our minds.

"solemnly"


19.15.10> Stable-Tec Emergency Broadcast issused: Hoofington region; auth. STec VP Scootaloo.

"issued"


but it could do with some Rad-Away to give it that
I didn’t think we had enough Rad-Away to get out of here now.

"RadAway"





27:
The skitter of Radroaches and the buzz of bloatflies were everywhere.

"Radroaches" shouldn't be capitalized


The stunned aristroponies suddenly found themselves swept up in a party two short steps removed from a riot.

"aristoponies"


coughing pink and red flecks into the hankerchief, ”I wouldn’t want to

"handkerchief", inverted quotation mark


if that helps straighten’ em up.  

apostrophe for "em"


Put her in the magicial restoration thingy again

"magical"


she said as her lips curled in an angry smirk,  “I can’t even begin to guess

extra space after comma


but there are others inside you, and--“  I silenced her

inverted quotation mark


them had a tag reading ‘StableTec: #99’

"Stable-Tec"


You can get shot ten ways to celestiday, but how does it

should "celestiday" be capitalized?


Still, I went though the motions with her.

"through"


appropriateness to the conduct and well being of Equestria.”

"wellbeing"


the contagion devivication spell that had to be added

"devivification"


Some horrible self revelation?  

"self-revelation"


"Yup. Still not working."

only one space after first period, non-directional quotation marks


“All right, but I hope some day soon you can at least tell her why,”

"someday"


30:
Everything was at a tipping point… and then the Eclipse happened.”

the capitalization of "Eclipse" should match that in 62.2


I’d always known she’d die some day, and as I’d gotten older we’d grown apart.

"someday"


Written around the edges was was motto ‘Enclave Intelligence:

"edges was the motto"


Can’t believe they’re restricting our flights over the Everfree and Fillydelpha, now of all times...”

"Fillydelphia"


Thunderhead and Shadowbolt Tower were the Ministry of Awesome’s headquaters.

"headquarters"


But--“ I began weakly.

inverted quotation mark


“As they say, ‘if you can’t beat em...’”

apostrophe for "em"


“Woah.  What happened to you

"Whoa"


looked at the Spritebot’s remaining eye

"Spritebot" shouldn't be capitalized


And then the sprite bot gave one last anaemic crackle and with a loud pop dropped in front

"anemic" (ae is Commonwealth/British)


“Deal.  Gimmie!”  She lunged for the

"Gimme"


They find the damndest stuff.

"damnedest"


Horse seemed to get the hint as he looked crosseyed at the bar balanced on his muzzle.

"cross-eyed"


It seemed to curve mid flight, passing right by Goldenblood’s

"mid-flight" or "midflight"


have a mindblowing revelation,

"mind-blowing"


48:
She forced a nervous grin, her magnificently curled mane seeming to tighten as she fought for an explaination.

"explanation"


I could let two dozen half crazy ghouls escape

"half-crazy"


I hurried through without stopping, continuing through breakrooms, briefing rooms, and then to a formidable door marked ‘Gun Vault’.

"break rooms"


and her dessicated and battered wings popped out as she ran to

"desiccated"


his ears twiching this way and

"twitching"


“You know, this is going to be really anticlimatic if he just lets us go,”

"anticlimactic"


There is no Equestria any more.  

"anymore"
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Somber on Mon Sep 29, 2014 9:18 am

Some day I'll be brave enough to release the alternate ending of how BJ saves herself from Lancer by thoroughly 'cursing' him.  Love the review as always, Icy.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by tylertoon2 on Mon Sep 29, 2014 10:13 am

Somber wrote:Some day I'll be brave enough to release the alternate ending of how BJ saves herself from Lancer by thoroughly 'cursing' him.  Love the review as always, Icy.
I HAVE NO STRONG FEELINGS ONE WAY OR THE OTHER









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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Vinylshadow on Mon Sep 29, 2014 11:06 am

Somber wrote:Some day I'll be brave enough to release the alternate ending of how BJ saves herself from Lancer by thoroughly 'cursing' him.  Love the review as always, Icy.

Hm...a series of short stories featuring different outcomes in different scenes from Horizons?

Keep that in mind when you get around to releasing Horizons on FimFic
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by O. Hinds on Mon Sep 29, 2014 12:16 pm

@Icy Shake:
Ah, thank you very much as always. And… oh dear, that's a lot of other chapter stuff… Well, the only thing it's really cutting into is probably a "Do as much as you can" homework assignment that I don't actually want to do any of, so…

Icy Shake wrote:comma after first long?
Hm… I think not. Sorry.

Icy Shake wrote:the capitalization of "Eclipse" should match that in 62.2
…Which is? Opening chapter… Gdocs seems to be running amazi-- Wait, no, even as I was tying that, "Unresponsive script". And there goes the second one… "Trying to connect"…
(Sorry if I sound ungrateful; I am indeed, as usual, quite grateful for the work you've done and am happy to do my part of it. I'd just like it if my part of it was sometimes a bit less annoying.)
Ah, okay, so 62.2 has it lowercase. Hm… Yes, that seems better.

Icy Shake wrote:"break rooms"
Hm… My spellcheckers are not in accord with each other on this, and I find the current version more aesthetically pleasing… Eh, I'll trust you, though.

Icy Shake wrote:comma after "So"?
I don't think so; sorry.

Icy Shake wrote:is it the energy that coalesces into that shape?
It is, yes.

Icy Shake wrote:need a comma there at the end
…I don't see why, sorry. There ought to be a period there, though, I think, so thank you.

Icy Shake wrote:maybe just "bored"?
Eh… I don't think so, sorry.

Icy Shake wrote:extra space after quotation. Does "tried to catch myself" count as a speech tag?
…Interestingly, it occurs to me that the contraction form of "Sekashi is" is the same as that of "Sekashi was", so the slip of the tongue actually wasn't noticeable. At least if we're assuming either that Pony is directly English or that the translation convention preserves that similarity. Either way, though, Blackjack might only have thought of the meaning she put into the contraction.

Icy Shake wrote:One of the better uses of "hysterical" I've seen in a while.
Hah! I hadn't even noticed that before! :D
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by JadedPony on Mon Sep 29, 2014 7:04 pm

Recycling the dead is one step closer to reality. Who knew Somber could see the future?
Compost your loved ones!:



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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by swicked on Mon Sep 29, 2014 7:05 pm

Somber wrote:Some day I'll be brave enough to release the alternate ending of how BJ saves herself from Lancer by thoroughly 'cursing' him.  Love the review as always, Icy.
...I think that makes two alternate versions of scenes you've mentioned having written that end up as clop, if I remember correctly.
Why do I suspect there to be many, many more? Spike

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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by iLateralGX on Mon Sep 29, 2014 7:24 pm

tylertoon2 wrote:
Somber wrote:Some day I'll be brave enough to release the alternate ending of how BJ saves herself from Lancer by thoroughly 'cursing' him.  Love the review as always, Icy.
I HAVE NO STRONG FEELINGS ONE WAY OR THE OTHER
Damn Neutrals...
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Guest on Mon Sep 29, 2014 8:23 pm

chapter 70 wrote: they'll incinerate not just the city but Twilight's descendent as well.

Does this bother anyone else? Maybe it's just me, but reading that it seemed BJ wanted Lifebloom to relay that message and to me that implies a deal. Don't shoot and I'll cooperate with you.

Correct me if I'm wrong but didn't someone tell BJ or somebody else in BJ's party that the Twilight soceity would likely want BJ to have a child or multiple children for them? Seems strange to set out to take her baby back from Cognitum only to make a deal with another group that wants it.

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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Icy Shake on Mon Sep 29, 2014 8:52 pm

Somber wrote:Some day I'll be brave enough to release the alternate ending of how BJ saves herself from Lancer by thoroughly 'cursing' him.  Love the review as always, Icy.
Sweetie Belle
Um, that is to say . . . That sounds like something I'd have no interest in at all.  Applejack  

O. Hinds wrote:@Icy Shake:
Icy Shake wrote:the capitalization of "Eclipse" should match that in 62.2
…Which is?  Opening chapter…  Gdocs seems to be running amazi--  Wait, no, even as I was tying that, "Unresponsive script".  And there goes the second one…  "Trying to connect"…
(Sorry if I sound ungrateful; I am indeed, as usual, quite grateful for the work you've done and am happy to do my part of it.  I'd just like it if my part of it was sometimes a bit less annoying.)
Ah, okay, so 62.2 has it lowercase.  Hm…  Yes, that seems better.
Sorry. That was originally supposed to be part of a matching pair agnostic to which way it went, since I could see a justification for capitalizing the specific event that was the first eclipse the Enclave saw after the princesses' fall. Screwed it up, though.

O. Hinds wrote:
Icy Shake wrote:need a comma there at the end
…I don't see why, sorry.  There ought to be a period there, though, I think, so thank you.
Don't know why I said that.

O. Hinds wrote:
Icy Shake wrote:extra space after quotation. Does "tried to catch myself" count as a speech tag?
…Interestingly, it occurs to me that the contraction form of "Sekashi is" is the same as that of "Sekashi was", so the slip of the tongue actually wasn't noticeable.  At least if we're assuming either that Pony is directly English or that the translation convention preserves that similarity.  Either way, though, Blackjack might only have thought of the meaning she put into the contraction.
It's something I take advantage of from time to time, but I admit a certain uneasiness with it, since dropping the hard consonant is something that seems to make a less natural contraction to me.

O. Hinds wrote:
Icy Shake wrote:One of the better uses of "hysterical" I've seen in a while.
Hah!  I hadn't even noticed that before!  :D
There are some benefits to being etymologically inclined.

swicked wrote:
Somber wrote:Some day I'll be brave enough to release the alternate ending of how BJ saves herself from Lancer by thoroughly 'cursing' him.  Love the review as always, Icy.
...I think that makes two alternate versions of scenes you've mentioned having written that end up as clop, if I remember correctly.
Why do I suspect there to be many, many more? Spike
Well, I don't think I've heard of another alternate clop ending here, but there was that time he mentioned something about a futa Rarity.

Last wrote:
chapter 70 wrote: they'll incinerate not just the city but Twilight's descendent as well.

Does this bother anyone else? Maybe it's just me, but reading that it seemed BJ wanted Lifebloom to relay that message and to me that implies a deal. Don't shoot and I'll cooperate with you.

Correct me if I'm wrong but didn't someone tell BJ or somebody else in BJ's party that the Twilight soceity would likely want BJ to have a child or multiple children for them? Seems strange to set out to take her baby back from Cognitum only to make a deal with another group that wants it.  
It doesn't really bother me. Yes, Life Bloom did relate that they wanted some of her children, and wouldn't be averse to some pretty unpleasant methods to getting them, perhaps going so far as a Stable 99 solution. But I didn't take this as any kind of offer or agreement, but an implicit threat, perhaps at the weakest a reminder that even if they didn't care about Hoofington, they'd still be losing their best shot at descendents of Twilight remaining within the world.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by O. Hinds on Mon Sep 29, 2014 9:10 pm

Icy Shake wrote:Screwed it up, though.
Icy Shake wrote:Don't know why I said that.
Eh, no problem.

Icy Shake wrote:It's something I take advantage of from time to time, but I admit a certain uneasiness with it, since dropping the hard consonant is something that seems to make a less natural contraction to me.
The "is" contraction does feel somewhat more comfortable to me, interestingly.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Derpmind on Mon Sep 29, 2014 10:34 pm

swicked wrote:
Somber wrote:Some day I'll be brave enough to release the alternate ending of how BJ saves herself from Lancer by thoroughly 'cursing' him.  Love the review as always, Icy.
...I think that makes two alternate versions of scenes you've mentioned having written that end up as clop, if I remember correctly.
Why do I suspect there to be many, many more? Spike

As amusing as that thought is, I wouldn't fault Somber if there's only two or two and one half scenes.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Guest on Tue Sep 30, 2014 12:02 am

Icy Shake wrote: But I didn't take this as any kind of offer or agreement, but an implicit threat, perhaps at the weakest a reminder that even if they didn't care about Hoofington, they'd still be losing their best shot at descendents of Twilight remaining within the world.

Typically speaking threats would be delivered from the party with the megaspell not to them. Not that BJ wouldn't try that, just that since that's the situation it doesn't really come off as a threat. Least not to me.

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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Meleagridis on Tue Sep 30, 2014 11:29 am

Last wrote:
Icy Shake wrote: But I didn't take this as any kind of offer or agreement, but an implicit threat, perhaps at the weakest a reminder that even if they didn't care about Hoofington, they'd still be losing their best shot at descendents of Twilight remaining within the world.

Typically speaking threats would be delivered from the party with the megaspell not to them. Not that BJ wouldn't try that, just that since that's the situation it doesn't really come off as a threat. Least not to me.
Well it isn't really a threat, is it? She's not threatening that she'll do something to them if they don't help, she'd warning them that their biggest clubhouse trophy is about to get wiped off the map and reminding them that they have the power to stop it. It's their own need for a descendant that would motivate them, not intimidation.
This could really come back to bite BJ, though. Suppose they don't go for helping the Hoof and instead focus on 'retrieving' their 'prize.'

Icy Shake wrote: Butler <> Artemis.
Explain the <> to an outsider, would you?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Vinylshadow on Tue Sep 30, 2014 12:29 pm

LancerxBlackjack hate-sex scene or something...

Not sure if pomf or cringe
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Vergil on Tue Sep 30, 2014 5:00 pm

Probably a little of both.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Vinylshadow on Tue Sep 30, 2014 5:12 pm

Depends on who writes it, I imagine.

Heh, omakes are fun
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by SilentCarto on Tue Sep 30, 2014 6:40 pm

iLateralGX wrote:Damn Neutrals...
What makes a man turn neutral? Lust for gold? Power? Or were they just born with a heart full of neutrality?

Vergil wrote:Probably a little of both.
Cromf?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Icy Shake on Tue Sep 30, 2014 8:16 pm

Meleagridis wrote:
Last wrote:
Icy Shake wrote: But I didn't take this as any kind of offer or agreement, but an implicit threat, perhaps at the weakest a reminder that even if they didn't care about Hoofington, they'd still be losing their best shot at descendents of Twilight remaining within the world.

Typically speaking threats would be delivered from the party with the megaspell not to them. Not that BJ wouldn't try that, just that since that's the situation it doesn't really come off as a threat. Least not to me.
Well it isn't really a threat, is it? She's not threatening that she'll do something to them if they don't help, she'd warning them that their biggest clubhouse trophy is about to get wiped off the map and reminding them that they have the power to stop it. It's their own need for a descendant that would motivate them, not intimidation.
This could really come back to bite BJ, though. Suppose they don't go for helping the Hoof and instead focus on 'retrieving' their 'prize.'
This exactly. It's similar to a hostage situation, with Blackjack as the hostage. The ransom is not burning Hoofington.

Meleagridis wrote:
Icy Shake wrote: Butler <> Artemis.
Explain the <> to an outsider, would you?
Let me tell you about Homestuck . . .

It's the chat symbol for moirallegiance, one of the four romantic quadrants for trolls.
The Homestuck Wiki wrote:Moirallegiance is a process that occurs between a troll and their "moirail" (also informally known as a palemate). It is a form of guardianship, but it isn't simply about being platonic soul bros forever: see Andrew's comment. They are a protector of their moirail's heart. They keep each other grounded.

A troll is compelled by fate to watch over their moirail and keep them in line. Despite the platonic appearance of this role (as we currently understand it) to us humans, trolls consider it a type of romance. Moirallegiance may also entail pacifying one's partner, like what Nepeta does for Equius and Karkat for Gamzee. Moirallegiance may translate (roughly) to our human concept of "love for siblings", which contains no intent for reproduction.

It is one of the two conciliatory relationships, the other being auspistice. As it is a redrom, it is linked to pity in the same way that black romance (blackrom) is linked to hate.

Moirallegiance is a portmanteau of "moira" (fated) and "allegiance." This kind of relationship may be most similar to the Greek concept of στοργή (storgē), or "like family," which can be defined as "a desire to ensure the well-being of another."

Butler often was a moral anchor for Artemis, especially after the first book, and Artemis gave Butler meaning outside of simply being a gun for hire. The trust and protectiveness between them was (within the limits various plots allowed) both exceptional and consistent.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Guest on Tue Sep 30, 2014 8:32 pm

Icy Shake wrote:
This exactly. It's similar to a hostage situation, with Blackjack as the hostage. The ransom is not burning Hoofington.

What? Are you arguing they are making a deal now? If you take someone or yourself hostage and demand ransom the deal, or at the very least the implied deal, is the hostage is returned to the person who paid the ransom.

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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Icy Shake on Tue Sep 30, 2014 8:44 pm

Last wrote:
Icy Shake wrote:
This exactly. It's similar to a hostage situation, with Blackjack as the hostage. The ransom is not burning Hoofington.

What? Are you arguing they are making a deal now? If you take someone or yourself hostage and demand ransom the deal, or at the very least the implied deal, is the hostage is returned to the person who paid the ransom.
"Similar to." She's not saying that she'll do anything for them if they refrain; she's saying that if they fire, they'll lose any chance at getting something that they want.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Vinylshadow on Wed Oct 01, 2014 10:17 am

I'm trying to figure out if they have a "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few" mindset.

Besides, it's not like Blackjack and Littlepip are the only descendants of Ministry Mares.

It's been 200 years, I'm sure there's others out there somewhere living in blissful ignorance of the fact they're keys to untold power.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by JadedPony on Sat Oct 04, 2014 8:05 pm

Vinylshadow wrote:
Besides, it's not like Blackjack and Littlepip are the only descendants of Ministry Mares.

It's been 200 years, I'm sure there's others out there somewhere living in blissful ignorance of the fact they're keys to untold power.

Wildcard from Murky Number 7 could totally be Pinkie's descendant. He's crazy enough. What I'm surprised at is that none of the CMC seem to have had kids. I mean, one of them was an Apple for goodness sakes. They must be born pregnant as many Apples and Apple related accessories as there are running around the show.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by O. Hinds on Sat Oct 04, 2014 8:36 pm

...And my brain started imagining the Apple Family as My Little Tribbles...

More seriously regarding the CMC reproducing, though, hm.  We know that Sweetie Belle had at least one child after entering Stable 2, given that Velvet Remedy is her descendant, but I don't recall anything about her having even a romantic relationship before that, or anything for the other two.  I'm pretty sure that Scootaloo's last messages didn't mention anything about family.  Apple Bloom… it's more difficult to tell.
FoE Chapter 27 wrote:The good news is that Sweetie Belle’s got muh family safe an’ sound in Stable Two.
That's talking about the Apple Family in general, but I suppose it could also mean Apple Bloom's hypothetical mate and children.
On the other hoof, they were all pretty dedicated to what they were doing; I could see them eschewing romance to continue focusing on the work.  There are probably still some stories in this, though.

edit: And I've just found Scootaloo's last recorded words. No mention of a family in them.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by O. Hinds on Sat Oct 04, 2014 8:47 pm

Though now I'm wondering... What did Rainbow Dash think of the revelation of Scootaloo's fate in the Book of LittlePip?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by JadedPony on Sat Oct 04, 2014 9:00 pm

O. Hinds wrote:Though now I'm wondering...  What did Rainbow Dash think of the revelation of Scootaloo's fate in the Book of LittlePip?

I'm guessing she tries not to. That must have been soul crushing to know Scoot died alone like that while Dash tried to get the Enclave to help only to be attacked by a childhood friend. That's the problem with Loyalty, there is never enough of it to go around.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

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