Blank Flank Adventurer

So, here is my started Fanfiction which is still work in progress but I thought I might as well post in the hope of some feedback. The part's I am posted a compleet and fully edited, by work in progress I am refering to the fact that the story is not yet compleeted.
It includes OC(one at time being) characters, but don't run away just yet, it also has all of the mane 6 and MLP FIM world setting.
Story is normal Adventure genre at the time being but later chapters might step into 'dark'/'grimdark'. (I hope links are alright? I really doubt anyone wants me to post 8k words into this post..)
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/2246/The-Blank-Flank-Adventurer
And just because I feel like it, have my other fanfic to read too, this one is very short and not to be taken serious.
I present to you the epic(lol) tale of Abridged Macpony, in under 2k words.
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/2534/Abridged-Macpony

Thankyou for reading and please leave feedback, weither negative or positive I do not care as long as constructive.

I'll read them soon. Links are accepted, I prefer them over putting it in actually.
Why do you think people will run from OCs? My entire fic is OCs.

That was probably the most speedy reply I have ever seen in my life.. Sonic ForumRainboom much? ;P
Anyway, from personal opinion and experience people tend to prefer fanfics with the normal main characters in them and in their natural setting. (Unless the fic is all about taking the main characters and throwing them into an uncommon setting.) Point being, people tend prefer the mane 6 or background ponies above OC's. (At least that is my opinion)

People prefer the mane6 only because their three dimensional personalities are already known to them.
If you do OCs perfectly, you make them as three dimensional as the mane6. I don't do it well enough.
Question about your OCs: Are they perfect in every way? People tend to make OCs Gary Stu, meaning over powered and without fault. You want to avoid this as MUCH as possible.
And yea, I post fast.

No, my OC is far from an Gary Stu. In fact he is probably less usefull then most of the other characters(consider him like a hobit in LOTR, there is reason he is there and he has his uses but he just is not very practical or strong) and if you read the story you will see what I mean.

Story updated.
Part 3 released :
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/2246/3/The-Blank-Flank-Adventurer/A-trap%2C-what-could-go-wrong%3F

Hope whoever reads it enjoys it. Feel free to leave feedback and comments.

Read it...


I WANT MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR

Now that is the kind of feedback I love hearing.(Well I love hearing any type of feedback, but it really is great for the mood and makes me want to write more)

I will try to bring out the next part(another 4 to 5 k words) sometime before new year.

(BTW, you have so many jumpy ponies that it is entrancing to look at your post for to long)

Ok, another update.(Unrelated: I am sorry but those ponies on the forum are really distracting.. how do I get rid of them?)
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/2246/4/The-Blank-Flank-Adventurer/Mending-Wings

Please leave feedback and enjoy the story. Sadly not really in a mood to write super long post, just enjoy yourself.
(BTW: I know the title is a bit lame compared to the other ones.. kinda could not come up with something 'smart' this time arround, but the part itself is just as polished as always)

The ponies will never leave. There will always be one random pony blocking what you most want to see.

I'm still loving this story, it's getting interesting. I'm excited to see this mystery 'helper' that found Rainbow, and find out what is up with Dream Feather's strange nightmares!

Another update to my story. I know it is a bit later then I had first planned to bring it out, but that is only because I kept rewriting it and making it longer then I had expected.

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/2246/5/The-Blank-Flank-Adventurer/Reunion

I also have noticed how I am almost not at all active on this forum outside of this topic. I know that is kinda lame and I did not really have that intention when I first signed up here. I am just way to busy with school, writing, and other pony stuff to really be forum active anywhere at this point.

I hope no one minds to much that this is really the only topic I am keeping up on.

YAY NEW CHAPTER!!!!

And that's fine, the real world always prevents internet life

Lyra wrote:YAY NEW CHAPTER!!!!

And that's fine, the real world always prevents internet life

Either you really like my story or you just really like updates in general? ;P

Either-way, thankyou for the kind words. It is really nice to hear such a positive and supportive responds. Makes me wish I had another chapter done just so I could post it, lol.

Hey everypony, guess what? An update, at like 3 am at night.
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/2246/6/The-Blank-Flank-Adventurer/Where-Your-Loyalties-Lie
please leave feedback and stuff.(feel free to rate too if you wish)

Wow, that right there, I didn't see that end coming. That villain is diabolical...I like him

Great chapter Sapare!

Hey, I found my way back to this forum(some googling and other work and it wasn't that difficult. I totally misplaced it after getting myself a new laptop)
anyway, story update even if a shortish one.
Part 7: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/2246/7/The-Blank-Flank-Adventurer/Nothing-to-Fear

(I don't have much to say honestly... it is difficult to write when nearly (or compleetly) no one reads it anyway... EQD turned me down and now I am trying my best to fix everything.. somehow(while jugling the job of getting a brony club running in my highschool(with possible members which are far to lazzy to apreciate my doing..))

Sapare wrote:Hey, I found my way back to this forum(some googling and other work and it wasn't that difficult. I totally misplaced it after getting myself a new laptop)
anyway, story update even if a shortish one.
Part 7: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/2246/7/The-Blank-Flank-Adventurer/Nothing-to-Fear

(I don't have much to say honestly... it is difficult to write when nearly (or compleetly) no one reads it anyway... EQD turned me down and now I am trying my best to fix everything.. somehow(while jugling the job of getting a brony club running in my highschool(with possible members which are far to lazzy to apreciate my doing..))

Hooray! Added to my reading que!

And don't worry about it being turned down by EQD, they're standards are ridiculously high, and the community of people there generally annoys me. Trust me, it's better to have a couple loyal readers who love the story, than a whole bunch of readers who nag about every little problem they have with your story and stop reading it after a few chapters.

To be honest.. I will still continue to try to get on EQD. I kinda need both of the things it offers.. the attention and the "bragining rights" of being on EQD.

I am not a type of person who can be pleased with himself unless others are impresse by him/think he has done well. So it bears importance to me that EQD(the snoobish people I guess?)people respect me.

Still, I appreciate you support and it always makes me happy to see you post here(pretty much the only posts I ever get in reply to my story...(not just here, but in general))

Nightmare Moon wrote:

Sapare wrote:Hey, I found my way back to this forum(some googling and other work and it wasn't that difficult. I totally misplaced it after getting myself a new laptop)
anyway, story update even if a shortish one.
Part 7: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/2246/7/The-Blank-Flank-Adventurer/Nothing-to-Fear

(I don't have much to say honestly... it is difficult to write when nearly (or compleetly) no one reads it anyway... EQD turned me down and now I am trying my best to fix everything.. somehow(while jugling the job of getting a brony club running in my highschool(with possible members which are far to lazzy to apreciate my doing..))

Hooray! Added to my reading que!

And don't worry about it being turned down by EQD, they're standards are ridiculously high, and the community of people there generally annoys me. Trust me, it's better to have a couple loyal readers who love the story, than a whole bunch of readers who nag about every little problem they have with your story and stop reading it after a few chapters.

After much consideration and strugling to decide what to do I am considering that you might have a point.. I am sorry for turning down your statment like that earlier. Only now that I have started to go back and rewrite what I have previously published do I see just how difficult it is to edit something you already published before.

To me it feels pretty much impossible.. it just feels fundermentally wrong to me to go and compleetly rearange and rewrite something I have held so dear before.(not that I do not accept the mistakes in my story. I understand they are there and I see the critique I am given... but I feel like every published story/part is like a part of your life.. you can't go back in yourlife and change things... and I feel the same way about what you write)

Point being.. I am now on a crossroad path. Either move on and continue writing for the pain joy of it,(which I do have when I write) or go back and slave myself to rewrite pretty much the first half of my whole story. (people find it lacking a hook.. not really a quick fix..)

To some that might sound like an easy choice,(obviously the fun, yes?) but to me this is probably one of the most difficult setups there can be. I need acceptance(I'll outright admit, it is an obsession for me) from other people and otherwhise I'll consider myself a failor at whatever I am doing. Due to this going for "fun over popularity" isn't really that easy...

I know.. TLDR(or just plain "what does this have to do with your story, or why does this matter to me")... I just needed some place to voice my thoughts... i sometimes do that so I can think more clearly.

Also, I probably should not write comments in the middle of the night.. sorry for any and all typos.

Hey ho, only noticed you, I'll read yer story. I seem to always read people's stories who ask even though I'm generally really fussy and a very-very slow reader (Though I am an insanely fast typer).

Also quickly read through the discussion. Don't worry about getting on Daily Equistria in my opinion either, although I respect them for their very narrow choice of writers, it means that they have to shave off other really good writers. Even so, I did get tempted by people suggesting me to and such, but hey, I knew it was a bad idea as they really are hard to even consider you. I get plenty of self-esteem though with what I've got. I've had a few loyal fans for a while and heck keeps me going. I won't get too much into it as I've just woken up and I'm never good at bring my point across when I'm tired.

Anyways, I'll give feedback, but be warned, I can be very-brutally honest, though it's normally formed out of opinion than you doing something actually wrong. But hope you don't transform your story into dark stuff, I don't care for the genre for it, but despise how people mix dark with My little pony, I won't get too much into it (No! Fluttershy! What are they doing to you!), just that I appreciate those who express My little pony for what it is, than what its not.

Oh lord, can't believe this took me an hour! Though it will because I took my time carefully compiling all this!

Okay well, I chose to comment here, rather than on FimFiction, I find this a lot easier in case you want to discuss what I've got here, whether you'll want to ask me anything or just want to give me a right outraged blazing. (I did give a thumbs up on your work though) But yeah, believe it or not, I only read the first chapter, I thought I'd be able to read the whole thing but no.
To start off with your a good writer, you're not at all bad, I like your oc character, as mentioned he's very enjoyable to read and you've certainly given him plenty of life. You've give us something to dig into, such as why Rainbow Dash is missing and a lot of potential for character development and of course my favourite thing is character development. Your writings also goes at a good pace, it has great atmosphere and you have the potential to become one of my favourite writers.
But! You're not off the hook and I'm afraid it's dug right in your back. (Yes through the spine and everything). To note though these are just opinions, whether you brush them aside is your decision, but I must ask you to at least look over them and consider them as they're not here to intend harm, I just want to suggest ways of you to be come a much better writer as you already are.
Start off with, you have problem that every writer has, but a tad more crooked, Show v Tell. Show v Tell is when your trying to get the writers to trust you, by giving them what they're seeing and see if they understand it, like a game of chrades, you switch to too much trust and too little, some examples are below. Your oc character also talks to himself a lot, so unless he really likes to whisper out load to himself its not a good thing because that's the only reason you have characters whisper to themselves. I'm also uncertain from which view were looking at, are we looking over the main character's perspective or an overview perspective, because it isn't that clear. To be honest though, perspectives is something I have problems with as well.
Anyways, here's the reason why I didn't read over the whole thing as I like to make a list of notes to justify my opinion, highlight problems and give examples. I didn't list every problem because I would've probably been nitty-picky and as you can see I have a lot of problems I want you to look at and please consider, as it honestly did distract me. Sorry if they're also in your face, I just have a weird sense of humour :) and also the fact I can be pretty harsh.


"as she seemed to finally notice the owner of the building she had just entered." I find this unnessecary, as I think we can tell she only just now noticed him.
“I think you owe me a name. And... practicing what exactly? Crash--“ Does he actually say crash?
"I briefly wondered if she had taken some damage to her head." You wonder this now?
"Even though she just said I wasn't worth racing," I don't think we got anything disputing he was race worthy.
"I tried to change the subject and slowly took a step backwards. I also gave a comforting grin. More to comfort myself than Rainbow Dash." Again, why not just show us and why not just say he gave an anxious grin?
"but she was at least nice enough to simply insult me in response to my own mean comment" This almost made me laugh, because it's apparent that slagging off someone back for slagging you is a nice way to make a conversation. And I know you're trying highlight that your character was relieved he wasn't attacked, seriously nice enough? That' really not a good word choice.
"She looked at me like I had just burst into song or something." Why? was the character making a hum sound and what do you mean by Rainbow was thinking that?
"famous author that wasn't a unicorn." Strikes me as sort of My little pony racism.
"she must have considered books a complete waste of time." You don't say?
"I did not giggle. I didn't even grin. I glared at her," Yeah, you don't normally giggle while glaring, so I understand.
"I could not understand why she would care about her wings so much. Were they really such an important part of her life?" Well I don't know, she seems to enjoy flying a lot.
“Close the door, from the outside and do not bother me again." Why does he need to make it clear from the outside, is he worried that she'll close while they're inside and she has to figure out ways not to bother him from there?
"Rainbow Dash, on the other hoof, is important enough to have Celestia looking for her." You'd think it was maybe possible that Celestia would help look for any pony that she knew was missing, but she seems to have this whole 'need to be important enough to at least put up wanted posters for you.'
"Was there really nowhere more appropriate in this town?" He brings up a good question.
"Or are you here to share some information about Rainbow Dash?" Well unless she brightened up because she looked forward to telling him the library was closed than I assume she'd assume that earlier rather than pause for a moment.
"He took a small step backwards, because he felt uncomfortable." Really, I thought it was because Twilight had really bad breath.
“You don't have any information on Rainbow Dash, but you came here after seeing the poster. Why would you do that? Do you know her?“ Could you rephrase this, the way she asks this sounds really dumb.
"Twilight did not seem to care for that particular smile at all." How so?
“Thank you.“ He didn't know what else to say and decided to accept the generous offer." Well unless he really didn't bring the point a across that he accepted the offer, probably should've said 'I accept the offer' as well.
"There are so many books here that I could not help but wonder where they came from." Does he know what a library is?
"Twilight inquired. She seemed relieved to have something to distract her from her worrying." I think we knew she was inquiring, also great that she doesn't have to worry about her friend whose missing.
"The pony was so centered on saving Rainbow Dash that she either did not notice Dream Feather or did not think there was enough time to introduce herself." The only purpose of this sentence seems to have to highlight Applejack was being very self-centred.
""This is not how government ponies are meant to behave. Not at all." Does he have some manual or codebook on how ponies are meant to behave.

I'll read the rest later, but got some other stuff to be up to, today.

Okay, I meant to read the rest of your work later on, but I got more busy than I thought I would, that I only had time to read chapter 2. Although you do try to pull us in a little too hard. You also leave us to what we want to know about what has happened to Spike.
However this chapter is far more weak than your first. Your trying far too hard to pull us into a mystery, let alone trying to get us to believe there's a villain without any evidence, you would've been better off keeping it hinted for an eventual surprise. You also mention a few dumb things in my opinion that we didn't need to know, which will be given examples below. You also make this Dream feather a very dislikeable character and I doubt its intentional. He comes off as being noble, but you use words that don't jusitfy this and in fact.
Now I believe it or not I had to go through your story twice. Well because I lost my notes and it's kind of important I give you these notes as evidence and show you what I mean, rather than I'm trying to come off as a horrible person. So I'd be very grateful if you put these to good use as I do do these to help improve the skills of very potential writers, other wise I'd just be walking off. Though I'll admit there'll be less notes here than what should be here, as it was really late when I found out and I hate repeating myself, so badly.

Obviously a missing pony was a big deal, especially a pony as important as Rainbow Dash apparently was./ Didn't know you needed to be important in order for your dissappearance to be a big deal
“The Everfree Forest? As in the same forest that is filled with dangerous monsters?“ asked Dream Feather./ I think we knew it was Dream feather that asked.
Their friend had been attacked by something or somepony./ Okay what gave this off, could be possible Rainbow Dash got amnesia and wandered somewhere off or she ran away herself for some reason. This here's just jumping to conclusions. Yes its the Evergreen forest, but you'd think there'd be information about mauled body parts if she was attacked or wise she escaped.
He shuddered and was suddenly very glad that it was not his job to find Rainbow Dash./ Our hero everybody.
“Exemplified?“ Dream Feather suggested./ Unless a third character entered the conversation, we know Dream Feather suggested it, especially with a question mark put on the end.
Spike's excitement at finding the correct word faded. His own mention of Rainbow Dash had brought back his concerns./ This whole sentence could've easily have been summed up by telling us Spike got depressed again or something.
“So whoever abducted Rainbow Dash probably intends to sabotage the Elements of Harmony.." I don't think either of them suggested this to one another.
"Then... I attacked Spike?"/ You showed us Feather Dream blacked out, what detail is there that he attacked Spike or does he assume that whenever he blacks out, he attacks someone?
The ensnared pegasus felt like he was being crushed to death in her telekinetic grip./ Felt? Oh good I thought he actually was being crushed to death.
I didn't have a clue about how a government pony could have gone missing./ Do they actually refer to each other as government ponies?
“Why is Spike so importa-“ / Well that's a dumb question.
“Because he is our direct connection to Celestia./ And that's a dumb answer or maybe have the excuse that they're close is a dumb answer as well.
He had been dragged into an adventure against his will. A very dangerous adventure, with a mysterious and powerful villain./ The 6 manes only start to discuss about considering him being dragged so how is this against his will? It isn't even explained why and your just trying to force the impression that there is an evil villian.
You can sleep anywhere in this hall. And don't even think about running away in the night. If you run then I'll know you've been lying/ Yeah, in this position, if I was lying and did something to her friends, I'd just do the same to her while she's in her sleep.

I am reviving this topic, and let us start by chapter post,
chapter 8: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/2246/8/The-Blank-Flank-Adventurer/


Now to the other stuff. Dont think I didnt read your stuff Walrus, let me respond to it.

I find this unnessecary, as I think we can tell she only just now noticed him./I would say this comes down to opinion. I do like being wordier then some but I wouldnt call bringing up that she saw him as an error.

Does he actually say crash?/He is saying Crashing. He is a bit of a douche, but did you ever have a guy break your window(or door in this case) and then go off on you how awesome they are? You'll be a douche to them too.

You wonder this now?/The head wound line is in direct responds to her totally insane character,(which is not becuase of the crash) it is more in the lighthearted joke form then anything. Why would he wonder if she hurt hear head before then? It isnt like he got any reason to worry about her like that, she seems fine and he doesnt even know here.

I don't think we got anything disputing he was race worthy./I think she says how he obviously would not be a chalange.(noone is to RD in her eyes, most of all a blank flank pony in his cloud home on a sunny day sitting at some strange contraption. Trust me if I say some peopleare obviously not build runners(flier in this case)

Again, why not just show us and why not just say he gave an anxious grin?/You might notice that this is for better or worse(personal opinion thing) a running thing for Dream Feather. He always gives his rather self serving grin which just upsets people more then it helps.

This almost made me laugh, because it's apparent that slagging off
someone back for slagging you is a nice way to make a conversation. And I
know you're trying highlight that your character was relieved he wasn't
attacked, seriously nice enough? That' really not a good word choice./This really comes down to where you come from. Some circles dissing someone in such a way(that you never met before, who is acting very "tough") you would be more then happy if that person only minorly insults you back. Just because you know RD would never hurt a pony does not mean Dream Feather does.

Why? was the character making a hum sound and what do you mean by Rainbow was thinking that?/No offense but either we speak on different levels or you are not one for general not very literal statments,(later or before this there was a case like this, I did all replies for chapter 2 first) the meaning of that line is that she is looking at him very confused by whatever the heck he just said did(idk, didnt read it in a while). Imagen an expression much as if you were talking to someone who suddenly started singing.

Strikes me as sort of My little pony racism./A lot of people bring this up, but I tend to stick by it. Unicorns are often shown to be Equestrian nobility, and the only ones with ability to easily write text. A pegasus could probably have writen some stuff, but to write an full out novel with nothing but your mouth while you are working class?(This is much like if we were in medival times and you expect a peasant who home taught himself how to write to suddenly write a novel which actully is picked up by some publisher an sold all throughout the kingdom.(admitetly, not as harsh as they got school systems and are not as discrominating but you get what I am getting at) There even is much cannon to back this stuff up.(AJ's family living style, Pinkies family living style(both sides really), the fact that pretty much all pegasi seem rather competetive flyers(RD/FS flashback), Twi only one writing letters(at the point of that story being writen) and many such minor details which never denounced my theory. My fanon actully was that RD could not write, till the denounced that.(ofcourse they would, stuff has to be perfect))

Yeah, you don't normally giggle while glaring, so I understand./Again, I don't see why such fancish statmens irk you so.

Well I don't know, she seems to enjoy flying a lot./Besides the 10 min he talked to her he doesnt know anything about her, you are also answering his question by restating the original fact a bit differently. he could jus ask "why was flying so important to her?", you have to understand he doesnt get the joy idea. kinda like if you hated grimdark but you meet someone rambling about the epicness of cupcakes, you would question why he enjoys it, weither that is a logical question or not.

Why does he need to make it clear from the outside, is he worried that
she'll close while they're inside and she has to figure out ways not to
bother him from there?/ This is what I meant earlier, you sem to have a difficulty accepting when things are a saying or general tone rather then very literal meaning. The whole "from the outside" emphazises a point of how mad he is rather then try to make clear that he means from the outside.

You'd think it was maybe possible that Celestia would help look for any
pony that she knew was missing, but she seems to have this whole 'need
to be important enough to at least put up wanted posters for you.'/Celestia is a queen goddess with a whole kingdom to run, there probably go ponies missing daily, you can't hunt everyone down. Admitetly, the poster thing is really a middle ground I can give you right on or argue with you on. Anyone can put posters up today, and also probably in a socity like MLP FIM. But you might have noticed that BFA is more alligned to the medival/fantasy roots of MLP FIM then the modern day and happy roots. Back in the day many people went missing alll the time and no one ever cared about it or had the power to bring things into action.(and i can drive this home by saying, while in MLP FIM world this would not be the case, in Dream Feather's mind(which is filled with fantasy stories and adventure stories and other stuff more dark) this reasoning makes sense, his mindset is more aligned to the oldshool medival mindset.(medival setting is actully to me when luna was banished(about 1k years ago)and someone like DF probably read muh about those times. So yea, I had to pitch out some more info to really idepth reason this one out, so I wont say you are wrong.

He brings up a good question./And yet you as the reader should know the answer do to the more personal conection of Twi and the others, and the fact that they don't work as a general government system with a government building and hall.

Well unless she brightened up because she looked forward to telling him
the library was closed than I assume she'd assume that earlier rather
than pause for a moment./Can't argue with this one as I have not read the line before it(the one you are actully refering to) but in my assumption it is minor. I could even argue she was waiting for him to bring stuff up and that is why she had paused.

Really, I thought it was because Twilight had really bad breath./Again, why does this upset you?

Could you rephrase this, the way she asks this sounds really dumb./Why, how? It might not be the greatest sentence but even after months later it looks like it works well enough

How so?/I believe I go there only a sentence later. Her reaction shows you.

Well unless he really didn't bring the point a across that he accepted
the offer, probably should've said 'I accept the offer' as well./I think saying thankyou(without a no) pretty much makes the statment for you.

Does he know what a library is?/We are in a small villiage which is already impressive enough to have a library, now this library is filled with books and knowledge which a line later is mentioned to have been ressuplied by Celestia's money and support directly. We are not talking your average arrangment of books, we are talking that this library is decked out like a libarary a big city university would have.(Again, medival setting)

I think we knew she was inquiring, also great that she doesn't have to worry about her friend whose missing./first part is adressed in a later note. To the worrying, fair point you make, though to make someone worrie less about stuff isnt really unheard off.

The only purpose of this sentence seems to have to highlight Applejack was being very self-centred./ the purpose was to save me from introducing her, and to show the rush things were in.

Does he have some manual or codebook on how ponies are meant to behave./I am pretty sure if you went to a police station you would have expectations how they act or react to certain things, non of which consist of suddenly interogating you, then droping everything and running off at some random persons call.

Didn't know you needed to be important in order for your dissappearance to be a big deal/ If we are talking compleet govermental system whise, the disapearance of a not important person(some noname pony from the street) would be somewhat irrelevant to them. You don't see the head of police hunt down random disapearing people unless it is a special case.

I think we knew it was Dream feather that asked./Fair point(and you make some more over the whole story like this) but honesty, this is a simple case of personal prefrence above who is wrong or right. I tend to go by the rule that every piece of dialoge has to be broken up by a starter of who talked and in what sense they said it, I know that it is modern(to make dialoge move faster and sound more natural) to not do such anymore, but give it 10 years and it might swing around again.

Okay what gave this off, could be possible Rainbow Dash got amnesia and
wandered somewhere off or she ran away herself for some reason. This
here's just jumping to conclusions. Yes its the Evergreen forest, but
you'd think there'd be information about mauled body parts if she was
attacked or wise she escaped./Did you miss the mention of being zaped by a lightining bolt of magical nature(with no natural reason) AND the fact she disapeared afterwards, not to be heard from for a week. Yes he is jumping to conclusions, you could argue I am breaking his char by giving him knowledge he might not have, or he is just guessing.(We are talking about an pony who spend his live on adventure(and such) novels, obviously he jumps to conclusions))

Our hero everybody./Only mention why you hate this guy.(as you said he came over as dislikeable) Because a random pony who barly is capable of talking to strangers is glad he is not tasked with walking into the most dangerous place known to him and find some pony who is possibly held hostage(or dead)? My point is, you got pretty high standards to the average pony, he isnt a hero... he is just some guy with terribe luck.(He was somewhat inspired by Bilbo as he was in "The Hobbit")

Unless a third character entered the conversation, we know Dream Feather
suggested it, especially with a question mark put on the end./Look further up, not bringing these up anymore


This whole sentence could've easily have been summed up by telling us Spike got depressed again or something./The sentence is abit lenghy for no reason, agreed.

I don't think either of them suggested this to one another./Again, Dream Feather jumping to conclusions by leap of judgment, that is what he does.

You showed us Feather Dream blacked out, what detail is there that he
attacked Spike or does he assume that whenever he blacks out, he attacks
someone?/I believe I made it somewhat clear that the memories he brings up are not actully what happened but what he THINKS happened. I dont want to spoil but this is one of the many suble ways magic can be used in this story to guide something your way.

Felt? Oh good I thought he actually was being crushed to death./I don't get your point, to compare someting in that way is common speech. You often say that something felt in such a way or seemed like that. Unless you mean I should have set he got crushed to death, in which case him not being dead would be awkward.

Do they actually refer to each other as government ponies?/ They do not, but this is Dream Feather's line and he does. I believe the mistake you(and many readers tend to make in this story) is that you read it from your own mindset, using your personal knowledge and conection to the story to judge Dream Feather. You tend to forget that this is much like if you saw a poster of a missing child and went to the highest police ranking position in the whole state.(which really, the elements are about as high as you could go there to some outsider, direct conection to god hersef) I believe you would consider those people goverment associated, and worth of respect.

Well that's a dumb question./Why exactly is it? Beyond the rarity of dragons(which Dream Feather might not know in this context, he is well versed but in relation to Celestia's pool of resources he doesnt know much.(aka, he doesnt know how commenly she can get assistant dragons) But on serious note, he comes over as a douche but I do believe he meant more in a literarl sense. Like... if you can capture or steal anything from the president, why steal his house dog?

And that's a dumb answer or maybe have the excuse that they're close is a dumb answer as well./I don't get this, why is it a dumb answer? Again, you go by personal feelings and not by logic. Dream Feather dose not know these ponies, nor do they know him. How logical would it be to be in the lines of "because I care about him!", it makes much more sense to point out his practical use(as that is why he was stolen. Going back to other metaphor, kinda like if the said house dog had the key to the secret bunker filled with gold. You would prob tell the police that the dog had the keys, rather then that the dog was nice.

The 6 manes only start to discuss about considering him being dragged so
how is this against his will? It isn't even explained why and your just
trying to force the impression that there is an evil villian./The line is a setup line, it isnt anyones thoughts and supposed to be a hook(heavy handed? Probably, but the mayor complained about chapter 1 is, it got no hook.(and it did, but it was less obvious and not many got it) As for the villian, how much of a spoiler is that? RD has been zapped, disapeared, Skype was capured and pretty much the first para of this whole story had a mestiry pony edge DF to get invovled. How the heck are all of those going to happen without someone with a reason behind it?

Yeah, in this position, if I was lying and did something to her friends, I'd just do the same to her while she's in her sleep./ And if Twi went missing or died the 4 other ponies and by chance(if they did get a message out) the whole govement would want him dead. I kinda get your point somewhat to be honest, but it is never stated if Twi sleeps or if she didnt put up some spell which would zap him the moment he got close, you berading me for not outright giving info I should not have to give.


I am done, my fingers hurt.

I am just curious. Does anyone still read this story?