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[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by FeatherDust on Sun Jul 28, 2013 3:05 pm

Harmony Ltd. wrote:As long as there's substance behind it, I like my criticism scathing. At least it gets people's attention.
I don't because it makes it much too easy to dismiss the person's entire opinion as "well he's just a hater". A more moderated voice can still communicate all the things you thought were wrong without allowing the audience to say, "Oh, he hates everything about everything, don't listen to what he's saying."
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Icy Shake on Sun Jul 28, 2013 9:24 pm

I thought that the liveblog was a really fun read. I don't agree with everything, of course, but he raised some good points and even on some of his more debatable claims I could understand where he was coming from, even if I don't think it was all necessarily fair. But Velvet is annoying (and the story is made so she never really can be right), Littlepip is not an especially deep character, and the Wasteland "did" pretty much everything it ever "did to her" in just a couple of days, and honestly those probably amounted to the bulk of his gripes. And it was nice that in the end he acknowledged some of the good things, like the world and the descriptions. I was a little sad he didn't want to do Project Horizons, but perhaps it's for the best.

As for Murky Number Seven, all this talk about it (and the fact that only seven chapters have been published since I stopped reading last September) has made me consider starting to follow it again. As for the chapter length thing, I agree that the chapters should be shorter—because I've always felt that it seems fairly padded-out (which it doesn't need: it has plenty going on, and it's not like he needs to hit 34k words per chapter like movies need to hit 80 minutes)—though identifying stopping points within chapters and splitting them wouldn't hurt, either.

Anyway, I also read chapter seventeen today, and man is the end of that wearying (in a good way). Tying together the pain of others' fear and rejection with her start in the stable, and making it the cost of seeing the world as more like it really is was just hit me kind of hard, and it being the followup to the Roses/Thorn rescue didn't help. On the lighter side to that ending, Blackjack's parting shot to Caprice, while fitting with the tone of its surroundings, was just brutal.

I wasn't a huge fan of Caprice calling prostitution a "trap," but I might have been missing something there, or have misjudged her character. Also, eggs are pretty large compared to shot glasses, so "The Price" has ruined by ability to believe in the reality of this story for ever and ever.Trollestia

Running:
Man, Blackjack's sighing like Al Gore when he had to listen to George W. Bush.


My father lives on his pension through the Enclave.

Wait—isn't he a senator or something? Do they not salary their legislators?


“There was one a few years back, a real high profile case.  Deadshot Calamity.  A legend in the security forces, the kind of pony who could have really forced the council to engage with the surface.  He gets an audience in front of the pegasi council.  Does he call for opening contact with the surface?  No.  Does he say we should trade food and medicine to the surface?  No.  Instead, he spends half an hour calling the entire council cowards, featherbrains, and negligent murderers.  Then, when his wing went looking for him to beg him to reconsider, he killed them!”

Sad she doesn't consider the possibility that what Lighthooves did to her, someone could have done to him.


“Fallen Glory,” she corrected quietly.

So, I know she gets called on it later (and I suppose it fits with Scotch's understanding of her), but seriously. This doesn't even warrant the title "effort."
And hadn't she already used another persona when they left Megamart? Why not just take that name up again, at least in outward-facing capacities?


Drunk Blackjack is best Blackjack.


She trotted over with a tray carrying a shot glass and a large bottle of orange fluid.
. . .
It was filled with some kind of red fluid with a raw egg on top and some sort of reddish-brown... stuff sprinkled all over it.
. . .
I held the shot glass out to Barpony.

Even assuming a double shot and peewee egg, this drink is a over 1/3 egg. A medium egg won't even fit in a single-shot glass, and a peewee would leave only a quarter of an ounce for the rest. I wonder if this should have been an Old Fashioned/rocks/lowball glass.


No more orbs, brain.  They are not healthy for you.  They make you sad, or make me wake up all alone, or wearing a bomb!  So no orbs!

You know, she missed speaking as though her brain and herself were different people as a sign of growing crazy. Also, reminds me of this:



You lost this?  YOU LOST THIS?!  For coal and pride and fear you sacrificed this?  I wanted to scream at these ponies, and the princesses themselves.  I wanted to show them this empty world that would follow them.  No price, none, was worth the loss of these princesses.  The world was less without them.

I now almost feel like this (and other parts of this orb) should have played a role in recent chapters, with Blackjack thinking about just what a poor joke of an imitation Awesome, his children, and she are of the true monarchs of Equestria. (Or maybe I'm just forgetting that that happened.)


They’re prostitutes that rotate their security duties, mares who are trying to kick Dash and Dust addiction, and fillies desperate not to fall into either trap.

Whoa, whoa, hold on a second. Did Caprice just call prostitution a "trap"? Really, now? Sorry, but I just don't buy that. Glory perhaps, maybe even P-21. But in context it seems like prostitution in Flank is probably one of the better jobs in the Wasteland. Unless—and this is giving a huge benefit of the doubt—she's referring to the fact it probably stops being a remunerative option at a younger age than other careers.
Okay, cooled down a bit. Maybe she was just referring to the security mares' view, not her own. But it doesn't exactly read like that in any unambiguous way.


Another to the robot-masked ponies in Mixers, who apparently never left their armored booth and required me to feed them through a slot.

So . . . that slot. Ew.


It's always worth remembering that Somber did a great (based on Sturgeon's law, easily top decile) rendition of Octavia, despite her being a cello for much of her screen time.


I silently wished the Wasteland could be a little more fair for once.  Bust my leg and let him walk.

Wishes can come true! Well, not so much the him walking part, at least as soon, but you take what you can get.


“She… saved me…” the lavender unicorn said as she sat down.

Okay . . . was this parodying the "lavender unicorn syndrome"? I'd like to think so.


It must have been an old bottle…

Right. Because none of the other Sparkle-Cola bottles are "old."
Chapter 17 Editing:
(1-past tense) But since I’ve left the stable, I’ve killed ponies.  (2-past tense) I did that before, too, only I painted it with colorful euphemisms like ‘taking out of service’ and ‘defending myself to their death’.  (3-present tense) Now, I just kill, plain and simple, with shotgun and carbine and fire axe and my bare hooves if I need to.  (4-present tense) I’m also more concerned with survival.  (5-past tense) In Stable 99, everypony knew that the stable was one hard sneeze from failure.  (6-past tense) Now I had ponies that would kill me for bottlecaps.  (7-either) Heck, even the very land itself would kill me.  (8-past tense) There was already a time bomb inside me that might finish me, or maybe mutate me and then kill me.

3 and 4 should probably be made past tense, or at least 6 should be made present to conform with them.


my legs were strong enough, and Deus’ final moments had knocked down so much of the walls that we had plenty of slopes we could scramble down.

"Deus's"


I’m sure that this is all fascinating and chock full of meaning and mystery,

"chock-full" is either hyphenated or a single word, with the single word spelled with either one or two "l"s as variants that maintain the same pronunciation.


He gets an audience in front of the pegasi council.
I can’t believe that he’s operating with the blessing of the pegasi council.

"Pegasus council"


and the rubble of the top floors of the Exchange. I raised my almost empty bottle

Only one space after the period.


Oooh!,” I said, sitting up.

This probably shouldn't have both an exclamation point and a comma.


Some frag grenades.   A few land

Three spaces after the period.


“Why can’t they ever say ‘Oh yes, Blackjack, you’re so right.  Brilliant, in fact!”

After "fact!" this needs a closing single quotation mark.


Scalpel had just given me a look that said ‘this isn’t chem withdrawal, this is taint eating your heart.  STOP HELPING IT.’ and tossed me out on the street.
They’d have gone ‘nuh-uh.  I don’t want turret death beams turning me inside out.  We’ll hide and ambush Security when she comes running for the hills!’ and last night would never have happened.

Should these full-sentence-plus quotations/imagined quotations start with a capital, and in the first case, end with a comma?


“Yes, that would all be wonderful, but…don’t you three have something more important to do?”
I had to find this Caprice...assuming she hadn’t just abandoned Flank, in which case I was going to hand everything over to Barpony and get my caps to pay for decoding EC-1101 from her.

Space needed after ellipsis.


…crap, now I was starting to get bored.

"Crap" should be capitalized.


“No! Fuck no!”

Second space needed after first exclamation point.


Refreshing… My body was

With ellipsis treated as a full stop, second space needed after it.


uh huh…  pegasus stallion.

There should only be one space after this ellipsis.


The concept of Luna being sent to the moon for a millennium, only to be returned for a few years and then assuming control of Equestria, were some dry chapters in a book for me.

Either "concept . . . was some dry chapters" or "concepts . . . were some dry chapters" (with the present phrasing, I'd say the former).


I swore his lips still tingled from Luna’s playful brush, but all his attention and every sense was focused on Celestia.

I think this should be "were focused," as "all his attention" and "every sense" are separate subjects.


I doubt the zebra have the stomach for a drawn real out battle.

"real, drawn out" or "real, drawn-out"


A mare laughed. “Three months!

Only one space after the period.


His mother was a friend and died last month. He returned for her funeral. I suggested

Only one space after each period.


And now…having lost the Wonderbolts…

Space needed after ellipsis.


I pressed the orb to my chest, the most precious object I could imagine in all of Equestria.

I don't know how to fix this without ruining the flow of the sentence, but the phrase is acting as a misplaced modifier (unless Blackjack has a really high opinion of her chest). The best I can think of is adding a participle to the beginning of the phrase, like "embrasing" or "treasuring."


Slabs of the Exchange were being cut free by Morn-  by Fallen Glory’s disintegration bolts or small blasts of dynamite.

Dash needs second hyphen.


“Why, ‘cause I’m so bad at it?”  I asked with a grin and got a nod in return.

There should only be one space after the end of the quotation.


When they’re able to put themselves in harms way, they should be much better at security work.

"harm's"


She was watching me with her amused pink eyes, reflecting the colors like stars.

I don't think that stars actually reflect colors. Consider another simile? (I like "like the lens of a scope," but that's pretty clunky, even if it's apt and probably one she'd think of at times.)


or maybe it was the fact that miss Barpony could tickle my nethers like I’d never imagined,

"Miss Barpony" should have both words capitalized.


I suppose I have to. Do you even know

Only one space after the period.


but she treats it like a personal snub. She’s so odd

Only one space after the period.


Yeah, no wonder he had been staring. If I sounded like that playing,

Only one space after the period.


“I want to go with you and see if we can’t pick up some landmines from Deus’ camp.”

"Deus's"


Blackjack, one of us could if she wanted to. Have you seen Rampage today?

Only one space after the period.


the system will be able to continue performing indefinitely against all threats.” There was a momentary pause,

Only one space after the period.


“Mind the heads-- yipe!”

Symmetrical spacing around dash.


Cupcake’s gun barked in rather pathetic fashion, even with S.A.T.S. guiding the shots to the eerie whine of the minigun strafing across after me.

Consider either dropping "across" or adding a noun (e.g. "the room") after it.


she charged through the muck towards the robot. It turned its minigun on her,

Only one space after the period.


Rampage apparently lived there full time. Unfortunately, Rampage was

Only one space after the period.


I ended up in Chapel when it was just me and a dumb colt wanting to fix up that stupid church of his.  

Needs closing quotation mark.


Before that I was ‘the fuckmare,’

Closing single-quote should be before the comma.


Then I noticed the three sets of cutie marks directly in front of my host: Three apples, a group of white stars around a large purple one, and a cloud and thunderbolt.

"Three" should not be capitalized.


I haven’t seen her like this since-“

Dash needs second hyphen.


“What… this isn’t possible!” He gasped as he stared at the device.

"He" shouldn't be capitalized.


all right. You and me then,

Only one space after the period.


“ it was Merry Penny.  Why?”

There shouldn't be a space between the beginning quotation mark and "it."


"ponies' work"


pity would be hazardous to my health. P-21 and Glory exchanged a look
making her almost trip. I frowned at him,

Only one space after the period.


I hoped that she’d just be a mask Glory wore when she was around Enclave.

Maybe "Enclave ponies," or "the Enclave"?


‘Sugarcube Corner,’ it read, and beneath that: ‘Cakes and Confectionery.’

Comma and period, respectively, to outside the quotation marks, and the sentence might be better without any punctuation where the colon is, or perhaps just a comma.


Slowly, we made our way up the steps and past a mold-spotted poster reading ‘Official Ministry of Morale Confectionary Center.’

Period to outside of quotation marks.


On it were drawn three columns: ‘Good Ponies’, ‘Bad Ponies’, and ‘Really Super Naughty Wicked Bad Ponies.’

Period to outside last set of quotation marks.


Right… Right!

There should be a second space after this ellipsis.


“Is she going to be okay?” The unicorn with the broken horn murmured.

"the" shouldn't be capitalized.


“You…  she…  urrrrgh!”

There should be only one space after each ellipsis, or the following word/groan should be capitalized.


“What, you want my opinion?

There should be a closing quotation mark at the end of this sentence.


The filly returned a scared, but slow shake of her head.

There should be either a comma after "slow" or no comma after "scared."


Was I ready to becoming an executioner; killing coolly and deliberately?

Semicolon -> comma.


P-21 and Rampage had gone to raid Deus’ camp of everything not nailed down while Glory and I returned to Flank.

"Deus's"


“Yeah, something like that.” I took a pull

Needs another space after the quotation.


They were all teasing me; making me wonder about this mare.
Softly I swept it aside and looked down at the grainy, black and white photograph of a grizzly buck standing over three fillies; hugging them all in his hooves.

Semicolons -> commas?


I whispered to the memory of long dead goddesses,  “Please please don’t let this be a set up…”

There should only be one space after "goddesses,"


“I had no choice!” she cried out. “It was hand you over

There should be another space after "out."
(Mostly) Other Editing:
13: Thank you for your condolences, your majesty.
17: It may be moot, your majesty.
21: I’ve only been ruler for three days and I’ve had enough bowing, scraping, and ‘your majesties’ to last me a lifetime,”
It’s all there in my memory, your majesty.
40: I swear, her majesty can get her feathers in a bunch when you start talkin’ about the dangers of balefire bombs targeting cities.
I’ve made sure there’s a spot reserved for you in Stable One, right alongside their majesties,
51: I’m afraid that she wouldn’t be a promising candidate, your Majesty.
55: Espionage on her own subjects.  What would her majesty think?
“Your highnesses!  The Reapers are attacking!  It’s Security!”
56: “I wanted to speak with you, your Majesty,” Grace said smoothly.
“You don’t look so good, your majesty.”
The two stallions jumped, “Yes, your majesty?” one asked. (Also, this one should probably be two separate sentences.)
“Let’s get you inside, your highness.”  Charm gave a snotty sniff and nodded.
57:  “Presenting her royal highness of the Society of Equestria, Queen Blackjack, and her escort, Sir Hoity Toity of Canterlot!”

Upper case Y/H/T, (R), and M/H in Your/Her/Their (Royal) Majesty(ies)/Highness(es).
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by ARoundCorner on Sun Jul 28, 2013 9:43 pm

Yea, when he referred to Velvet Remedy as Prissy Whine and Calamity as Hat..erm...something every time he talked about them,  I stopped reading.

Maybe using the nicknames occasionally to emphasize a point would have been better, because as of now he really does come across as a "hater".

Although some of his views may have validity, his delivery does attract the tag of "hater".
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Icy Shake on Sun Jul 28, 2013 9:48 pm

"Hat Accent." And while I understand why you feel that way, he came across as a hater . . . because he is a hater. That's his schtick, and it's why, for his target audience, it's entertaining. And it's fine that plenty of people don't go in for that genre, just like any other. But on that note, one thing that did bother me a bit about his delivery was that it seemed like he never said why he found so many of the action scenes boring, or why he liked the ones that he did find interesting.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by O. Hinds on Sun Jul 28, 2013 11:39 pm

Icy Shake wrote:Anyway, I also read chapter seventeen today, and man is the end of that wearying (in a good way). Tying together the pain of others' fear and rejection with her start in the stable, and making it the cost of seeing the world as more like it really is was just hit me kind of hard, and it being the followup to the Roses/Thorn rescue didn't help. On the lighter side to that ending, Blackjack's parting shot to Caprice, while fitting with the tone of its surroundings, was just brutal.

I wasn't a huge fan of Caprice calling prostitution a "trap," but I might have been missing something there, or have misjudged her character. Also, eggs are pretty large compared to shot glasses, so "The Price" has ruined by ability to believe in the reality of this story for ever and ever.Trollestia

Running:
Man, Blackjack's sighing like Al Gore when he had to listen to George W. Bush.


My father lives on his pension through the Enclave.

Wait—isn't he a senator or something? Do they not salary their legislators?


“There was one a few years back, a real high profile case.  Deadshot Calamity.  A legend in the security forces, the kind of pony who could have really forced the council to engage with the surface.  He gets an audience in front of the pegasi council.  Does he call for opening contact with the surface?  No.  Does he say we should trade food and medicine to the surface?  No.  Instead, he spends half an hour calling the entire council cowards, featherbrains, and negligent murderers.  Then, when his wing went looking for him to beg him to reconsider, he killed them!”

Sad she doesn't consider the possibility that what Lighthooves did to her, someone could have done to him.


“Fallen Glory,” she corrected quietly.

So, I know she gets called on it later (and I suppose it fits with Scotch's understanding of her), but seriously. This doesn't even warrant the title "effort."
And hadn't she already used another persona when they left Megamart? Why not just take that name up again, at least in outward-facing capacities?


Drunk Blackjack is best Blackjack.


She trotted over with a tray carrying a shot glass and a large bottle of orange fluid.
. . .
It was filled with some kind of red fluid with a raw egg on top and some sort of reddish-brown... stuff sprinkled all over it.
. . .
I held the shot glass out to Barpony.

Even assuming a double shot and peewee egg, this drink is a over 1/3 egg. A medium egg won't even fit in a single-shot glass, and a peewee would leave only a quarter of an ounce for the rest. I wonder if this should have been an Old Fashioned/rocks/lowball glass.


No more orbs, brain.  They are not healthy for you.  They make you sad, or make me wake up all alone, or wearing a bomb!  So no orbs!

You know, she missed speaking as though her brain and herself were different people as a sign of growing crazy. Also, reminds me of this:



You lost this?  YOU LOST THIS?!  For coal and pride and fear you sacrificed this?  I wanted to scream at these ponies, and the princesses themselves.  I wanted to show them this empty world that would follow them.  No price, none, was worth the loss of these princesses.  The world was less without them.

I now almost feel like this (and other parts of this orb) should have played a role in recent chapters, with Blackjack thinking about just what a poor joke of an imitation Awesome, his children, and she are of the true monarchs of Equestria. (Or maybe I'm just forgetting that that happened.)


They’re prostitutes that rotate their security duties, mares who are trying to kick Dash and Dust addiction, and fillies desperate not to fall into either trap.

Whoa, whoa, hold on a second. Did Caprice just call prostitution a "trap"? Really, now? Sorry, but I just don't buy that. Glory perhaps, maybe even P-21. But in context it seems like prostitution in Flank is probably one of the better jobs in the Wasteland. Unless—and this is giving a huge benefit of the doubt—she's referring to the fact it probably stops being a remunerative option at a younger age than other careers.
Okay, cooled down a bit. Maybe she was just referring to the security mares' view, not her own. But it doesn't exactly read like that in any unambiguous way.


Another to the robot-masked ponies in Mixers, who apparently never left their armored booth and required me to feed them through a slot.

So . . . that slot. Ew.


It's always worth remembering that Somber did a great (based on Sturgeon's law, easily top decile) rendition of Octavia, despite her being a cello for much of her screen time.


I silently wished the Wasteland could be a little more fair for once.  Bust my leg and let him walk.

Wishes can come true! Well, not so much the him walking part, at least as soon, but you take what you can get.


“She… saved me…” the lavender unicorn said as she sat down.

Okay . . . was this parodying the "lavender unicorn syndrome"? I'd like to think so.


It must have been an old bottle…

Right. Because none of the other Sparkle-Cola bottles are "old."
Chapter 17 Editing:
(1-past tense) But since I’ve left the stable, I’ve killed ponies.  (2-past tense) I did that before, too, only I painted it with colorful euphemisms like ‘taking out of service’ and ‘defending myself to their death’.  (3-present tense) Now, I just kill, plain and simple, with shotgun and carbine and fire axe and my bare hooves if I need to.  (4-present tense) I’m also more concerned with survival.  (5-past tense) In Stable 99, everypony knew that the stable was one hard sneeze from failure.  (6-past tense) Now I had ponies that would kill me for bottlecaps.  (7-either) Heck, even the very land itself would kill me.  (8-past tense) There was already a time bomb inside me that might finish me, or maybe mutate me and then kill me.

3 and 4 should probably be made past tense, or at least 6 should be made present to conform with them.


my legs were strong enough, and Deus’ final moments had knocked down so much of the walls that we had plenty of slopes we could scramble down.

"Deus's"


I’m sure that this is all fascinating and chock full of meaning and mystery,

"chock-full" is either hyphenated or a single word, with the single word spelled with either one or two "l"s as variants that maintain the same pronunciation.


He gets an audience in front of the pegasi council.
I can’t believe that he’s operating with the blessing of the pegasi council.

"Pegasus council"


and the rubble of the top floors of the Exchange. I raised my almost empty bottle

Only one space after the period.


Oooh!,” I said, sitting up.

This probably shouldn't have both an exclamation point and a comma.


Some frag grenades.   A few land

Three spaces after the period.


“Why can’t they ever say ‘Oh yes, Blackjack, you’re so right.  Brilliant, in fact!”

After "fact!" this needs a closing single quotation mark.


Scalpel had just given me a look that said ‘this isn’t chem withdrawal, this is taint eating your heart.  STOP HELPING IT.’ and tossed me out on the street.
They’d have gone ‘nuh-uh.  I don’t want turret death beams turning me inside out.  We’ll hide and ambush Security when she comes running for the hills!’ and last night would never have happened.

Should these full-sentence-plus quotations/imagined quotations start with a capital, and in the first case, end with a comma?


“Yes, that would all be wonderful, but…don’t you three have something more important to do?”
I had to find this Caprice...assuming she hadn’t just abandoned Flank, in which case I was going to hand everything over to Barpony and get my caps to pay for decoding EC-1101 from her.

Space needed after ellipsis.


…crap, now I was starting to get bored.

"Crap" should be capitalized.


“No! Fuck no!”

Second space needed after first exclamation point.


Refreshing… My body was

With ellipsis treated as a full stop, second space needed after it.


uh huh…  pegasus stallion.

There should only be one space after this ellipsis.


The concept of Luna being sent to the moon for a millennium, only to be returned for a few years and then assuming control of Equestria, were some dry chapters in a book for me.

Either "concept . . . was some dry chapters" or "concepts . . . were some dry chapters" (with the present phrasing, I'd say the former).


I swore his lips still tingled from Luna’s playful brush, but all his attention and every sense was focused on Celestia.

I think this should be "were focused," as "all his attention" and "every sense" are separate subjects.


I doubt the zebra have the stomach for a drawn real out battle.

"real, drawn out" or "real, drawn-out"


A mare laughed. “Three months!

Only one space after the period.


His mother was a friend and died last month. He returned for her funeral. I suggested

Only one space after each period.


And now…having lost the Wonderbolts…

Space needed after ellipsis.


I pressed the orb to my chest, the most precious object I could imagine in all of Equestria.

I don't know how to fix this without ruining the flow of the sentence, but the phrase is acting as a misplaced modifier (unless Blackjack has a really high opinion of her chest). The best I can think of is adding a participle to the beginning of the phrase, like "embrasing" or "treasuring."


Slabs of the Exchange were being cut free by Morn-  by Fallen Glory’s disintegration bolts or small blasts of dynamite.

Dash needs second hyphen.


“Why, ‘cause I’m so bad at it?”  I asked with a grin and got a nod in return.

There should only be one space after the end of the quotation.


When they’re able to put themselves in harms way, they should be much better at security work.

"harm's"


She was watching me with her amused pink eyes, reflecting the colors like stars.

I don't think that stars actually reflect colors. Consider another simile? (I like "like the lens of a scope," but that's pretty clunky, even if it's apt and probably one she'd think of at times.)


or maybe it was the fact that miss Barpony could tickle my nethers like I’d never imagined,

"Miss Barpony" should have both words capitalized.


I suppose I have to. Do you even know

Only one space after the period.


but she treats it like a personal snub. She’s so odd

Only one space after the period.


Yeah, no wonder he had been staring. If I sounded like that playing,

Only one space after the period.


“I want to go with you and see if we can’t pick up some landmines from Deus’ camp.”

"Deus's"


Blackjack, one of us could if she wanted to. Have you seen Rampage today?

Only one space after the period.


the system will be able to continue performing indefinitely against all threats.” There was a momentary pause,

Only one space after the period.


“Mind the heads-- yipe!”

Symmetrical spacing around dash.


Cupcake’s gun barked in rather pathetic fashion, even with S.A.T.S. guiding the shots to the eerie whine of the minigun strafing across after me.

Consider either dropping "across" or adding a noun (e.g. "the room") after it.


she charged through the muck towards the robot. It turned its minigun on her,

Only one space after the period.


Rampage apparently lived there full time. Unfortunately, Rampage was

Only one space after the period.


I ended up in Chapel when it was just me and a dumb colt wanting to fix up that stupid church of his.  

Needs closing quotation mark.


Before that I was ‘the fuckmare,’

Closing single-quote should be before the comma.


Then I noticed the three sets of cutie marks directly in front of my host: Three apples, a group of white stars around a large purple one, and a cloud and thunderbolt.

"Three" should not be capitalized.


I haven’t seen her like this since-“

Dash needs second hyphen.


“What… this isn’t possible!” He gasped as he stared at the device.

"He" shouldn't be capitalized.


all right. You and me then,

Only one space after the period.


“ it was Merry Penny.  Why?”

There shouldn't be a space between the beginning quotation mark and "it."


"ponies' work"


pity would be hazardous to my health. P-21 and Glory exchanged a look
making her almost trip. I frowned at him,

Only one space after the period.


I hoped that she’d just be a mask Glory wore when she was around Enclave.

Maybe "Enclave ponies," or "the Enclave"?


‘Sugarcube Corner,’ it read, and beneath that: ‘Cakes and Confectionery.’

Comma and period, respectively, to outside the quotation marks, and the sentence might be better without any punctuation where the colon is, or perhaps just a comma.


Slowly, we made our way up the steps and past a mold-spotted poster reading ‘Official Ministry of Morale Confectionary Center.’

Period to outside of quotation marks.


On it were drawn three columns: ‘Good Ponies’, ‘Bad Ponies’, and ‘Really Super Naughty Wicked Bad Ponies.’

Period to outside last set of quotation marks.


Right… Right!

There should be a second space after this ellipsis.


“Is she going to be okay?” The unicorn with the broken horn murmured.

"the" shouldn't be capitalized.


“You…  she…  urrrrgh!”

There should be only one space after each ellipsis, or the following word/groan should be capitalized.


“What, you want my opinion?

There should be a closing quotation mark at the end of this sentence.


The filly returned a scared, but slow shake of her head.

There should be either a comma after "slow" or no comma after "scared."


Was I ready to becoming an executioner; killing coolly and deliberately?

Semicolon -> comma.


P-21 and Rampage had gone to raid Deus’ camp of everything not nailed down while Glory and I returned to Flank.

"Deus's"


“Yeah, something like that.” I took a pull

Needs another space after the quotation.


They were all teasing me; making me wonder about this mare.
Softly I swept it aside and looked down at the grainy, black and white photograph of a grizzly buck standing over three fillies; hugging them all in his hooves.

Semicolons -> commas?


I whispered to the memory of long dead goddesses,  “Please please don’t let this be a set up…”

There should only be one space after "goddesses,"


“I had no choice!” she cried out. “It was hand you over

There should be another space after "out."
(Mostly) Other Editing:
13: Thank you for your condolences, your majesty.
17: It may be moot, your majesty.
21: I’ve only been ruler for three days and I’ve had enough bowing, scraping, and ‘your majesties’ to last me a lifetime,”
It’s all there in my memory, your majesty.
40: I swear, her majesty can get her feathers in a bunch when you start talkin’ about the dangers of balefire bombs targeting cities.
I’ve made sure there’s a spot reserved for you in Stable One, right alongside their majesties,
51: I’m afraid that she wouldn’t be a promising candidate, your Majesty.
55: Espionage on her own subjects.  What would her majesty think?
“Your highnesses!  The Reapers are attacking!  It’s Security!”
56: “I wanted to speak with you, your Majesty,” Grace said smoothly.
“You don’t look so good, your majesty.”
The two stallions jumped, “Yes, your majesty?” one asked. (Also, this one should probably be two separate sentences.)
“Let’s get you inside, your highness.”  Charm gave a snotty sniff and nodded.
57:  “Presenting her royal highness of the Society of Equestria, Queen Blackjack, and her escort, Sir Hoity Toity of Canterlot!”

Upper case Y/H/T, (R), and M/H in Your/Her/Their (Royal) Majesty(ies)/Highness(es).
Ah, thank you very much, as usual.

Icy Shake wrote:I don't think that stars actually reflect colors.
You've misread, sorry; the simile is comparing the reflections, not the reflecting, to stars.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Icy Shake on Mon Jul 29, 2013 12:02 am

Huh. I guess that makes sense. Thanks for the clarification.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by WavemasterRyx on Mon Jul 29, 2013 12:53 am

My apologies for interrupting anything, but I finally finished this, and I'm sure some people have been waiting.

Spoiler:
http://wavemasterryx.tumblr.com/post/56756289350
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by FeatherDust on Mon Jul 29, 2013 1:37 am

WavemasterRyx wrote:http://wavemasterryx.tumblr.com/post/56756289350
Eeeee!

It's so tiny, though! It's tiny and I can't enlarge it!
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by swicked on Mon Jul 29, 2013 2:11 am

WavemasterRyx wrote:My apologies for interrupting anything, but I finally finished this, and I'm sure some people have been waiting.

Spoiler:
http://wavemasterryx.tumblr.com/post/56756289350
That... is a lot of sugar.

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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by WavemasterRyx on Mon Jul 29, 2013 2:32 am

FeatherDust wrote:Eeeee!

It's so tiny, though!  It's tiny and I can't enlarge it!
Ah, sorry about that... Unfortunately I can't really help what size my drawings turn out, some are larger, some just end up being smaller. And if I try to resize one that ended up being small, most of the time I just can't get it to turn out right at the larger size, as was the case with this one.
swicked wrote:That... is a lot of sugar.
I like to call it "pink to death".
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by O. Hinds on Mon Jul 29, 2013 3:04 am

WavemasterRyx wrote:My apologies for interrupting anything, but I finally finished this, and I'm sure some people have been waiting.

Spoiler:
http://wavemasterryx.tumblr.com/post/56756289350
Very cute, as usual. :)
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by WavemasterRyx on Mon Jul 29, 2013 4:39 pm

O. Hinds wrote:Very cute, as usual.  :)
Thank you, Hinds, I'm happy that you like it.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by RoboRed on Mon Jul 29, 2013 7:54 pm

WavemasterRyx wrote:My apologies for interrupting anything, but I finally finished this, and I'm sure some people have been waiting.

Spoiler:
http://wavemasterryx.tumblr.com/post/56756289350
Cakehat.Rainbow 

------------------
Aonee wrote:
jacky2734 wrote:((Aonee, don't make me invent a way to punch you over the internet.))
((If you do, I will invent a Korean technique to block it with someone else's face. And, construct more pylons.))

CamoBadger wrote:((Wow, zebra incest is powerful shit))

Mister Frost's friend, "Darren" wrote:"I'm scared to break up with her, though. Her dad's an ex-marine; if I make her cry he'll club me over the head with a pillowcase full of doorknobs and Tom Clancy novels."

Sindri wrote:This is a thread for fans of a fanfiction of a fanfiction about murderous miniature pastel equines in a grimdark post-apocalyptic future.
If you wanted to stay anywhere near socially acceptable, you should have taken a left turn about three layers of WTF back.

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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by SilentCarto on Mon Jul 29, 2013 8:14 pm

WavemasterRyx wrote:My apologies for interrupting anything, but I finally finished this, and I'm sure some people have been waiting.

Spoiler:
http://wavemasterryx.tumblr.com/post/56756289350
Teehee! Is that the bite, right over her ear?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Somber on Tue Jul 30, 2013 4:27 am

She's adorable, Ryx!  Thank you!
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by WavemasterRyx on Tue Jul 30, 2013 6:35 am

RoboRed wrote:Cakehat.Rainbow 
Heh, cakehat is always a good hat.
SilentCarto wrote:Teehee! Is that the bite, right over her ear?
Yes it is. It was just too cute of a detail to leave out, even at that size.
Somber wrote:She's adorable, Ryx!  Thank you!
I'm very happy that you like it, sir. Thank you, too.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Technowolf on Tue Jul 30, 2013 10:27 am

So I was doing a reread, and came across some more evidence that might support my theory of Rampage being at least Twist's daughter, either through surrogacy, adoption, or as a result of Doof's rape.



Chapter 50 wrote:She [Rampage] started to pace.  “I don’t know if my childhood was growing up as a filly in Ponyville with a crush on Applebloom, living as a zebra tribal near Shattered Hoof Ridge, being beaten by my mother in a filthy apartment in Manehattan, or growing up on a military base with a mare who always had better things to do than be my mother!


The bolded part doesn't seem to fit with any of the personalities in Rampage.  Twist is probably the first part, Shujaa could easily be the second, while the third is either Razorwire or the Angel.  As far as I know, most of the other souls were from wealthy aristoponies who bought the Phoenix Core off the black market after Officer Softheart (#3) killed herself/was killed be the Angel.  I don't think any of them were young enough to have been born or lived on a military base; three of the unknown souls even mistake Boo for their daughters, which, given Boo's size, would make the souls at least middle age.

“Fine.  Everything’s fine.”  She glanced back over her shoulder and then at the zebra.  “She doesn’t know.  I hate telling her goodbye.  I feel like, if I do, I won’t be coming back.”
“You should tell her next time,” Shujaa said as they parted in their embrace, and the Proditor zebra looked up in time to catch a curtain in Twist’s room swaying back and forth.

This confirms that someone was living with Twist at the base, and later comments indicate that this person is young enough to need taking care of should Twist die.

So yeah, if I had money, I'd be willing to bet some on this theory.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Downloaded Skill on Tue Jul 30, 2013 12:51 pm

@Ryx: You're going to give me a heart attack one day with your adorable art. I'll die happy.

@Techno: Would that mean Rampage is technically her own mother?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Technowolf on Tue Jul 30, 2013 3:31 pm

Downloaded Skill wrote:@Techno: Would that mean Rampage is technically her own mother?

 More like Twist is the ultimate helicopter parent.  You think its bad that your mom calls you every day and tries to set up dates for you?  Imagine if she shared your body and knew everything(and everyone) you did.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Downloaded Skill on Tue Jul 30, 2013 5:11 pm

Twist was also a military hand to hand specialist IIRC. She would probably criticize Rampage's style.

 "Rampage! What are you doing out there?"

"What is it Mom? We killed those guys so I don't see what the problem is."

"Yes but you got shot six times and got your right leg severed! When I was in the army they taught me to fight with finesse and with regard for my own safety! You're just using brute force because you're invincible!"

"So, it works doesn't it?"

"Sweep the leg next time. It'll do wonders."

"But we're-"

"SWEEP THE LEG OR YOU'RE GROUNDED MISSY!"

"Yes Mom...."
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Technowolf on Tue Jul 30, 2013 7:59 pm

@skill

You're not thinking big enough.  There are 11 (mostly) sane ponies trapped inside Rampage.  There's a good chance that at least one, if not more, of the ponies she's time-sharing a body with had some experience with whatever she's doing at any time.

At ANY time.

"You know, you really should eat more fiber.  I mean, look how much effort you're having to put in to do this simple task.  Really, you should take better care of yourself."

"I'm -erf- just -hrk- fine!"
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by RoboRed on Tue Jul 30, 2013 11:36 pm

...she must be made into filly rampage.:

------------------
Aonee wrote:
jacky2734 wrote:((Aonee, don't make me invent a way to punch you over the internet.))
((If you do, I will invent a Korean technique to block it with someone else's face. And, construct more pylons.))

CamoBadger wrote:((Wow, zebra incest is powerful shit))

Mister Frost's friend, "Darren" wrote:"I'm scared to break up with her, though. Her dad's an ex-marine; if I make her cry he'll club me over the head with a pillowcase full of doorknobs and Tom Clancy novels."

Sindri wrote:This is a thread for fans of a fanfiction of a fanfiction about murderous miniature pastel equines in a grimdark post-apocalyptic future.
If you wanted to stay anywhere near socially acceptable, you should have taken a left turn about three layers of WTF back.

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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by SilentCarto on Tue Jul 30, 2013 11:54 pm

Technowolf wrote:
Chapter 50 wrote:She [Rampage] started to pace.  “I don’t know if my childhood was growing up as a filly in Ponyville with a crush on Applebloom, living as a zebra tribal near Shattered Hoof Ridge, being beaten by my mother in a filthy apartment in Manehattan, or growing up on a military base with a mare who always had better things to do than be my mother!

The bolded part doesn't seem to fit with any of the personalities in Rampage.  Twist is probably the first part, Shujaa could easily be the second, while the third is either Razorwire or the Angel.

As far as I know, most of the other souls were from wealthy aristoponies who bought the Phoenix Core off the black market after Officer Softheart (#3) killed herself/was killed be the Angel.  I don't think any of them were young enough to have been born or lived on a military base; three of the unknown souls even mistake Boo for their daughters, which, given Boo's size, would make the souls at least middle age.
I had assumed the abused Manehattanite was Candy, and the military brat was Razorwire. But the scene in front of Twist's house is definitely telling.

Before, I had taken Rampage's stripes as some artifact of Shujaa's presence, like they were some kind of indelible mark or curse on the soul. I had assumed that the curly red hair was an unambiguous sign that Rampage's body is Twist. But these details are starting to form a different picture now.

What happens if you provide a mixed sample to the cloning tree? Does it pick one cell and clone that, rejecting all other material? Or does it mingle the genetic codes and produce, essentially, a daughter? Or perhaps it replicates both codes to create a chimera, in the medical sense of the word. Given that this is "Project Chimera", I suspect the latter. A fully-grown chimera with no soul and no mind. Except... sometimes you get a Boo. It feels odd to refer to a child as a "pet", even in jest. But it doesn't feel odd to refer to Boo as a pet, does it? And "feral" might not be a bad description, either. (Boo, just what the heck are you?)

So that's my working theory, now. Rampage is Peppermint, and Peppermint is a chimera of Twist and Shujaa with Boo's mentality. Maybe the Phoenix Talisman works so efficiently now because there's no "native" soul getting in the way. That also might explain Rampage's willingness to go along with the ghouls that found her and whoever they sold her to, until her personality developed far enough to choose independence.

So how did Peppermint get the Phoenix Talisman? Well. It requires me to rethink several assumptions I had made based on the photos Twist had in the tank where she died and Shujaa's last memory.
Chapter 20 wrote:One of her in the hospital, looking hurt, but Vanity, Echo, and Applesnack are with her.  Three out of eight friends; her eyes show far more pain than joy.
I had assumed that Twist was in the hospital to recover from her near-death on the battlefield, either physically or psychologically.
Chapter 20 wrote:She wasn’t smiling in the last picture.  Oh, her lips were curled at the edges, but there was no mirth in her eyes as she stood alone on a tank, sergeant stripes on her uniform.  She had the eyes of a ghoul: flat and lifeless and eager to die.
I had assumed that her hollow-eyed look was due to psychological damage.
Chapter 50 wrote:Then the pheonix talisman came into view along with a torrent of blood.  The knife tumbled from her hooves as she screamed and tore it from her own flesh.  The pain vanished, replaced by a terrible numbness.  Shujaa trembled as she cradled the little pink stone, moving it closer to the limp earth pony.  With her last ounce of strength, she shoved it into the hole.  Then she collapsed on her side in the mud.
I had assumed that removing the Phoenix Talisman, and your soul, would kill you.

But what if it didn't? We all saw what happened when Snips's spell separated BJ's soul from her body, but perhaps the Phoenix Talisman doesn't work like that. Maybe it just snips off enough of an anchor to keep the soul in place while the body is rebuilt. Shujaa didn't collapse like a string-cut puppet the instant she removed the talisman. Her self-inflicted wound was obviously enough to kill her without its healing, so perhaps that was the cause of death rather than the loss of the talisman. Perhaps removing the talisman carefully -- say, having surgery to remove some "shrapnel" -- would leave the body alive and well, with muted emotions and a dead-eyed stare.

On the other hoof, Shujaa's body was recovered uninjured (Ch. 42), as if it hadn't quite died when Twist woke up and administered some powerful healing potions, but like Rumble (Ch. 43), there was nobody home. Perhaps the talisman doesn't entirely slurp up its host's soul until it's placed in the next host. Shujaa... faded... as soon as it began healing Twist, after all.

Thoughts?

RoboRed wrote:
...she must be made into filly rampage.:
I endorse this project!
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by swicked on Wed Jul 31, 2013 1:04 am

RoboRed wrote:
...she must be made into filly rampage.:
Why is she yellow?

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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Overlong Analysis Cobalt on Wed Jul 31, 2013 3:04 am

swicked wrote:
RoboRed wrote:
...she must be made into filly rampage.:
Why is she yellow?
I think it's the lighting or a color issue with the toy - Twist is supposed to be sort of cream colored.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by ARoundCorner on Wed Jul 31, 2013 2:46 pm

That looks like cream to me .____.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Meleagridis on Wed Jul 31, 2013 5:52 pm

SilentCarto wrote: (Boo, just what the heck are you?)

Downfall.

Even if she's not a plant (which I'm still not 100% convinced is true) I can't shake the feeling that Boo is going to spell some serious trouble for Blackjack. Maybe it's how innocent she is. Maybe it's the pariah dog, and the implications of a sole, lucky survivor. Or maybe it's how she's intelligent and understands things, even things she shouldn't be able to see, but acts like an animal. Maybe she does so because she's genuinely underdeveloped. Maybe it's an act.

I dunno. But something bad is gonna happen, and Boo will be at the center.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by swicked on Wed Jul 31, 2013 6:10 pm

Meleagridis wrote:
SilentCarto wrote: (Boo, just what the heck are you?)

Downfall.

Even if she's not a plant (which I'm still not 100% convinced is true) I can't shake the feeling that Boo is going to spell some serious trouble for Blackjack. Maybe it's how innocent she is. Maybe it's the pariah dog, and the implications of a sole, lucky survivor. Or maybe it's how she's intelligent and understands things, even things she shouldn't be able to see, but acts like an animal. Maybe she does so because she's genuinely underdeveloped. Maybe it's an act.

I dunno. But something bad is gonna happen, and Boo will be at the center.
I don't think she's a pariah dog, exactly... if anything, she's very occasionally been helpful.
But when the question comes to what her overarching purpose is to the plot...
...I dunno. Could she really be the occasional byproduct of the blank cloning process? We've never had any clue as to what makes her special. No hint that Sanguine tried anything unusual with the system in the weeks prior to his getting EC-1101. It would have made sense for him to start trying to hack his way in before going mad and attacking everything Blackjack ever touched, but yeah...

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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Caoimhe on Wed Jul 31, 2013 6:58 pm

Boo is just comic relief, in my opinion. Things can change though and I'll be surprised.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by SilentCarto on Wed Jul 31, 2013 9:06 pm

swicked wrote:...I dunno. Could she really be the occasional byproduct of the blank cloning process? We've never had any clue as to what makes her special. No hint that Sanguine tried anything unusual with the system in the weeks prior to his getting EC-1101. It would have made sense for him to start trying to hack his way in before going mad and attacking everything Blackjack ever touched, but yeah...
I somehow doubt that Boo was created deliberately since neither Sanguine nor Fury recognized her as anything special. On the other hoof, I can't really see Twist running hundreds of cloning cycles in hopes of finding a Boo to be her Peppermint, and it would seem unlikely that she'd happen to get one on the first try. On the third hoof, we don't really know how often a Boo gets cloned, since they'd presumably starve to death within a week or three without anyone noticing. On the fourth hoof, Boo's apparent superpowers.

It's a good thing I have so many hooves.

Regarding Boo's precognition and luck shield: I wonder if this is some alternate expression of pony magic. We tend to refer to Blanks as earth ponies because they lack wings or horns, but that's a little like saying someone's white because they're not black or asian. Earth ponies aren't just unicorns wtihout horns or pegasi without wings, they're their own fully-realized branch of ponydom. If blanks are truly blank, they should lack flight, magic, and the subtle characteristics that make earth ponies special. And if that's the case, what emerges in its place?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

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