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[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Icy Shake on Sat Jun 22, 2013 12:35 am

O. Hinds wrote:
Icy Shake wrote:
Spoiler:
But I'm (glad?) to have (provided?). . .whatever it was for you. (And how do you know she wouldn't be all Rainbow Dash instead?) And no, I did not know that about you: I think I joined the forums (waaaay) too late for that.

Man, I forgot that that was part of what was taken from her memories. That's kind of a big deal. A little disappointing, actually, since I sort of liked that line of thought.
Spoiler:

Oh, she might be about the idea, but I expect that she might be less pleased about strangers discussing it.  Also, um, I might be misinterpreting your syntax, but it seems that you may have been a bit taken aback.  If so, sorry.

Aye.  We quite liked that being brought up until we remembered "Oh, wait..."

Spoiler:
Oh, I can certainly see the talking being a problem. And no, I wasn't taken aback, just expressing uncertainty because I'm not 100% sure how you felt because text isn't always the ideal medium for expressing certain emotions and such. Besides, why would I be taken aback when I was the one immediately prompting it? I was hoping someone might get a laugh, or some kind of positive response from the comment. (Also, why does it keep killing the emoticon formatting? Guh.)

Stupid continuity getting in the way of character [not serious][maybe just a little].


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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by O. Hinds on Sat Jun 22, 2013 12:35 am

Last wrote:
Spoiler:
Sorry just learned of the patrol route thing. But really what twist was that the effect of heat are resistible even under the effects of alcohol why not train mares to do just that? 

It sounds like an excuse if I'm absolutely honest.
Spoiler:
There's the question of how much someone wants to resist the effects.  Sure, it's resistible, but being able to do something doesn't mean that you will, particularly if not resisting is easier.  Twist really didn't want to do it.  Glory a: was raised in a culture that discouraged heterosexual intercourse, b: likes mares but was for most of her life uncomfortable with that due to her sister really liking mares, c: is marefriend, friend, and longtime companion of a mare who was raised to believe the monogamy was deviant, and d: has been under a lot of stress lately, not unrelated to said marefriend. Under the circumstances, I think her having a moment of weakness is understandable.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by O. Hinds on Sat Jun 22, 2013 12:37 am

Icy Shake wrote:
O. Hinds wrote:
Icy Shake wrote:
Spoiler:
But I'm (glad?) to have (provided?). . .whatever it was for you. (And how do you know she wouldn't be all :Dash:instead?) And no, I did not know that about you: I think I joined the forums (waaaay) too late for that.

Man, I forgot that that was part of what was taken from her memories. That's kind of a big deal. A little disappointing, actually, since I sort of liked that line of thought.
Spoiler:

Oh, she might be about the idea, but I expect that she might be less pleased about strangers discussing it.  Also, um, I might be misinterpreting your syntax, but it seems that you may have been a bit taken aback.  If so, sorry.

Aye.  We quite liked that being brought up until we remembered "Oh, wait..."

Spoiler:
Oh, I can certainly see the talking being a problem. And no, I wasn't taken aback, just expressing uncertainty because I'm not 100% sure how you felt because text isn't always the ideal medium for expressing certain emotions and such. Besides, why would I be taken aback when I was the one immediately prompting it? I was hoping someone might get a laugh, or some kind of positive response from the comment. (Also, why does it keep killing the emoticon formatting? Guh.)

Stupid continuity getting in the way of character [not serious][maybe just a little].
:D
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Somber on Sat Jun 22, 2013 12:45 am

There.  Finally got in.  Sigh.  Sorry for being so long.

There's one other reason that I believe the Glory / Splendid union was plausible beyond hormones.  She's in Dash's body, and she's been influenced by the body's wiring and inclination, and Rainbow Dash in FoE was straight.  So it pushed her to a yes.  If she was in her own body she would have been far more resistant and would have said no, like she's said every time she cycled back home.  And if she were returned to her normal self, she would not want a repeat, ever.  She's not bi.  If she's still rainbow dash next year, she'd be much more assertive in saying no.  Also, remember, Splendid is a charismatic fellow and sees nothing wrong with bedding a reincarnation of a ministry mare.

Anyway, sorry.  I hope this doesn't become a legate thing, because I can't change it much.  I can add that comment about Dash's body if it helps though.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by O. Hinds on Sat Jun 22, 2013 12:48 am

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I don't think that that matters too much. Our information that she was straight comes from other characters saying that, for one thing, and I'm not sure how much bleedover there'd be anyway. But I suppose that the belief in Rainbow Dash being straight might be having some effect on Glory's thought processes, yes.

Somber wrote:I hope this doesn't become a legate thing, because I can't change it much. I can add that comment about Dash's body if it helps though.
Eh... We can do it if you think we need to, but I'd rather not. I think that it's entirely plausible as is, without further clarification.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by StoneSlinger88 on Sat Jun 22, 2013 12:50 am

Don't fret it, Somber. Hell, I stay up past 2:00 AM and I'm open to just about any idea someone throws at me, even without that hormone-y stuff and two decades of repression.

And from what I understand, Glory's mind is in Rainbow Dash's brain-- so it's busy rewiring itself to Glory while leaving traces of RD's persona, which would include sexual orientation.


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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Guest on Sat Jun 22, 2013 12:50 am

Thanks Somber. That actually makes me feel a lot better about it.

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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Icy Shake on Sat Jun 22, 2013 12:53 am

I hope so, too, because it seem--to me--to have been a perfectly reasonable thing to have happened, and most of what you brought up was already in the chapter.

Spoiler:
Well, I guess that increments my estimation of the probability of baby Dashes.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Guarddogjr on Sat Jun 22, 2013 12:54 am

Thank you for clarifying that, Somber. I feel a bit better about as well. A little uncomfortable, but still better. Again, thank you very much.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Moodyman90 on Sat Jun 22, 2013 1:19 am

Times like this I wonder if stuff like that just doesn't bother me or if I just pick up on different cues others do.


Spoiler:

Glory and Splendid was unexpected, but for me all the talk of her being in heat, everybody being under stress, and Blackjack being her marefriend who has gone out of her way to get laid to relieve stress before. Tie that up with everything Blackjack is going through, and while she wouldn't say no if Glory wanted to, she expressed the desire to be alone for a while, Glory probably needed something to take her mind off things for a while.

Add what we know about Splendid and his smooth talking ways (Charisma of 9 if not 10 if I had to stat him), a bit OOC yes but not flag waving warning to me. The shame she felt helped as well.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by cb5 on Sat Jun 22, 2013 1:34 am

Somber wrote:There.  Finally got in.  Sigh.  Sorry for being so long.

There's one other reason that I believe the Glory / Splendid union was plausible beyond hormones.  She's in Dash's body, and she's been influenced by the body's wiring and inclination, and Rainbow Dash in FoE was straight.  So it pushed her to a yes.  If she was in her own body she would have been far more resistant and would have said no, like she's said every time she cycled back home.  And if she were returned to her normal self, she would not want a repeat, ever.  She's not bi.  If she's still rainbow dash next year, she'd be much more assertive in saying no.  Also, remember, Splendid is a charismatic fellow and sees nothing wrong with bedding a reincarnation of a ministry mare.

Anyway, sorry.  I hope this doesn't become a legate thing, because I can't change it much.  I can add that comment about Dash's body if it helps though.

I haven't read the chapter yet, but I'm going to have to disagree here from purely a medical standpoint.  With sexuality and the kinsey scale sexuality goes from 0 to 6 and doesn't actually change, rather tastes change.  Like I'm a 3, but even though I outright despise camp men I am still a 3.  Even if I were to switch bodies with someone who is a 0, I would still be a 3 and they would still be a 0 even if we had each other's brains.  Someone finds out that they're bisexual or gay, you don't become bisexual or gay.

HOWEVER, very very few people are 0's or 6's.  Most often when someone says "I'm straight" they mean they're a 1, or when someone says "I'm gay" they mean they're a 5.  If someone swears up and down they're 100% straight or gay and have never had any thoughts on the subject otherwise yeah they're full of shit.  It's also why you always hear about "This person who tried to cure gays came out as gay/bisexual" so often is because "Me thinks my lady doth protest too much", in other words the more and more someone feels the need to defend their sexuality the more and more likely they're not what sexuality they claim to be and don't want to admit it to themselves and/or others.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Overlong Analysis Cobalt on Sat Jun 22, 2013 2:26 am

Chapter reactions and thoughts time.
Right here!:

Notes! Reading new chapters these days is like visiting an old friend. You kinda need to get reacquainted at first, and then you rediscover all the things that made you love 'em in the first place. Like the sheer wackiness that crops up occasionally, and how that reminds you of the story's origins.

Anyway, to be honest, I'm not sure how much commentary I can really provide here, since, more than ever, this chapter is only a part of a larger story - I was sooo ready for the Gala to happen, and for stuff to be cleared up. Mais non, cliffhangers abound. That's fine, I can take 'em! But seriously, cliffhangers for days: what's Blackjack going to do, what political machinations are still left to spin out (a bit on this in a sec), what's about to happen with the Goddess (I remember when I was dreading this, but now I'm dreading it not happening soon enough!), more instances of Boo craziness (who was that blank-flanked pony, anyway?)... many questions, with several potential revelations and resolutions and maybe even a revolution or two in the next chapter or so.

There's an interesting bit of analysis to be done on the whole "heat" scenario, and how I think there's a lot of room for misinterpretation of what it means. To sum up, I don't see it as a feeling of "oh, no, I don't want to have sex but something in me is forcing me to!" but rather as "hmm yeah sex sounds pretty great right now yup." It's not like an outside force pushing Blackjack and Glory into something; compare it to the Goddess for reference. It's rather a part of them, a part they can recognize as "heat" and normally dismiss like you would being hungry when on a diet (except, y'know, more so), but circumstances are not normal. This is frankly the best way to handle it IMO if it's going to be handled. (Aaaaand, apparently there has been talk about this while I was writing this post, hold on let me read it... okay nope nothing needs changing)

Political machinations! You know why Splendid is the wrong guy to give the job to? He's unconcerned with slavery, overconfident, and frankly has proved himself pretty incompetent so far. At least Red Eye could get things done, for all his faults; Splendid thinks of himself as an overall good pony who is willing to do what needs to be done to order the wasteland, but I don't think he's as capable as he thinks he is. It'd be like if Cersei took the Iron Throne. Sure, she's ruthless and clever, but there are a lot of people cleverer still. That's my opinion, anyway. I liked the additional characterizations provided this chapter for the various would-be successors, by the way, even if I think Grace is not the little angel she pretends to be. Charm may be doing a poor attempt at imitating her sister. Hell, maybe Blackjack should give the crown to Charm - she gets what she wants, and the odds of Charm actually staying in power are not high. We'll see what we see. Oh, and yeah, Hoity's an obvious choice because then, short of an assassination, they won't have succession problems, and he's a fantastic judge of character who's loyal to what King Awesome represented to the Society. We'll see.

Shit with the Goddess is going doooown. Like, again, even more so than usual. It's very exciting. The revelation that Psalm dumped memories into Blackjack and that this made the connection with the Goddess isn't really even a revelation to Blackjack, seems like, and I liked her response to it.

The scene with Lancer was definitely unexpected. It also went pretty well, I thought; bit awkward until I realized what was going on, certainly, but this was an interaction that needed to happen, sooner rather than later, and it allowed for an additional sense of urgency viz: the Goddess. I wonder what he'll get up to next.

Boo. What is Boo? A Blank with an excess of mirror neurons that has allowed to to form a connection with Blackjack (perhaps she was so distraught when BJ left because on some level part of her ability to think is tied to being around Blackjack)? That's probably crazy-talk. Still, it's undeniable that there is something weird about that pony.

Sooo, yeah! Can't wait for that Gala, it's gonna be crazy times and awesomeness, I can tell. Good luck with everything, Somber, and thanks as always for writing this.

EDIT: One thing, BTW cb5, is that even the Kinsey scale doesn't cover sexuality accurately, though it's a good tool in some cases (for instance, this case). It's like the Terry Pratchett explanation style: something that doesn't even remotely resemble how a thing actually works, but is a very good lie for the purposes of understanding the gist in this specific situation. For instance: are you attracted to bits, or behavior, or both, or neither?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by cb5 on Sat Jun 22, 2013 2:46 am

Overlong Analysis Cobalt wrote:EDIT: One thing, BTW cb5, is that even the Kinsey scale doesn't cover sexuality accurately, though it's a good tool in some cases (for instance, this case). It's like the Terry Pratchett explanation style: something that doesn't even remotely resemble how a thing actually works, but is a very good lie for the purposes of understanding the gist in this specific situation
Oh so like ALL OF SCIENCE TO HAVE EVER EXISTED?  The blunt truth is that all of the study of science and math and such doesn't actually exist, like there is no math god granting math to the universe and without it there would be no math, rather science, math and such is the tools we use for understanding the universe and how it works.  We create science, math, biology, sociology, psychology, and all fields of science to understand the world.  The only things that actually exist are the particles, waves and energy in our universe.  From a completely objective standpoint we don't actually exist either and are just a collection of particles and we are a figment of our own imagination.

So pretty much you threw out all logic and reason in a literal sense to come up with a counterpoint.






Anyways before we get more off topic I can't wait to read the new chapter tomorrow.


Also Somber I remember last time you were here you were saying you were looking for a job.  Did you find a job?  Are things looking up yet?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Guest on Sat Jun 22, 2013 4:13 am

Spoiler:
Just thought I'd thought I'd pop back in to clarify something. 

My problem with Glory and splendid was not just about her having sex with a male. It was about her going outside of her relationship. 

Now I want to make this absolutely clear that this has nothing to do with my personally beliefs. I've had that accusation tossed at me before. This has to do with Glory's upbringing. 

When it comes to relationships and sex everything the enclave teaches comes down to one thing: Population control. And because of that their teachings when it comes to the matter would be Abstinence, monogamy and homosexuality. 

Now when we look at Blackjack we see a creature of its upbringing but when we to turn to Glory we see a contrast especially when we take recent events in mind. 

It just seem the beliefs instilled in her are throw away. I desperately hope at the end of the chapter she said out of uncertainty in her relationship. 

That she said these things because that's what she thinks she has to to keep her lover. Not because she's okay with them.


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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Overlong Analysis Cobalt on Sat Jun 22, 2013 4:14 am

cb5 wrote:
Overlong Analysis Cobalt wrote:EDIT: One thing, BTW cb5, is that even the Kinsey scale doesn't cover sexuality accurately, though it's a good tool in some cases (for instance, this case). It's like the Terry Pratchett explanation style: something that doesn't even remotely resemble how a thing actually works, but is a very good lie for the purposes of understanding the gist in this specific situation
Oh so like ALL OF SCIENCE TO HAVE EVER EXISTED?  The blunt truth is that all of the study of science and math and such doesn't actually exist, like there is no math god granting math to the universe and without it there would be no math, rather science, math and such is the tools we use for understanding the universe and how it works.  We create science, math, biology, sociology, psychology, and all fields of science to understand the world.  The only things that actually exist are the particles, waves and energy in our universe.  From a completely objective standpoint we don't actually exist either and are just a collection of particles and we are a figment of our own imagination.

So pretty much you threw out all logic and reason in a literal sense to come up with a counterpoint.
Perhaps I misspoke? I was alluding to the fact that the Kinsey scale is of limited use when talking about pansexuals, asexuals, demisexuals, transsexuals at any stage; people like that and people who like people like that... When all you're talking about is  degrees of gay/bi/straight, then it can be useful; when you get more complicated than that, you want something else. It's like... I forget what the technical word for this theory was, but it's a theory of consciousness that allows for multiple descriptive levels depending on what you're trying to do. Thought/free will exists at the uppermost, least descriptive level, the next one is biology/mechanical, and then you have the particle physics as the most descriptive. But just because the particle physics model is the only one that's actually accurate to what's REALLY going on, from an imaginary omniscient observer's perspective (and even then only theoretically, because we aren't imaginary omniscient observers and all that stuff is, like you say, based on how we observe and interact with the universe... but it's still a pretty safe assumption to assume that we're not being tricked by a mischievous imp or living in the Matrix), doesn't mean the other two levels aren't useful at describing reality. But if you go looking for consciousness at the particle level, you're going to be disappointed - it doesn't hold up.

A less complicated analogy would be, say, a computer. Most users just need to know what the screen, mouse, and keyboard are and do. A level further would be knowing how the different parts connect to each other, and a level further beyond that would be the manufacture of circuits and logic bridges and that stuff. I guess a level beyond that would be quantum computing or some shenanigans like that. Getting off topic.

Anyway, point is, I'm absolutely not throwing out all of science and reason, just acknowledging that different descriptive levels exist, and the Kinsey scale exists at a level that doesn't describe everyone. It's certainly more descriptive than a bunch of popular ones, mind you. That's all I'm trying to say. Are we talking past one another? I have a hunch we may be. I'm not trying to be argumentative or dismissive at all, I just find this interesting!

To bring this back to Glory, I'm not sure how useful thinking about the transformation and its effects in terms of real-world physical and medical stuff really would be, since it's purely a philosophical question at this point - nobody has spontaneously switched into a different body before. That said, PH gets to do this because it takes place in a universe in which souls exist as part of the (but not the sole) seat of consciousness. The way this works isn't exactly defined to the point that I'd be comfortable making sweeping statements, and furthermore we don't know if Glory's brain transformed into Dash's (not that the brain is the sole seat of consciousness in reality, either, but it's certainly extremely important). I suspect it didn't, because souls have been stated to not quite retain memory on their own, exactly, IIRC. This being poison joke, of course, it could have simply transformed certain bits and of the brain while leaving the sense of self and memories of Glory intact. Again, though, this is all just suspicion.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by O. Hinds on Sat Jun 22, 2013 4:37 am

Last wrote:
Spoiler:
Just thought I'd thought I'd pop back in to clarify something. 

My problem with Glory and splendid was not just about her having sex with a male. It was about her going outside of her relationship. 

Now I want to make this absolutely clear that this has nothing to do with my personally beliefs. I've had that accusation tossed at me before. This has to do with Glory's upbringing. 

When it comes to relationships and sex everything the enclave teaches comes down to one thing: Population control. And because of that their teachings when it comes to the matter would be Abstinence, monogamy and homosexuality. 

Now when we look at Blackjack we see a creature of its upbringing but when we to turn to Glory we see a contrast especially when we take recent events in mind. 

It just seem the beliefs instilled in her are throw away. I desperately hope at the end of the chapter she said out of uncertainty in her relationship. 

That she said these things because that's what she thinks she has to to keep her lover. Not because she's okay with them.
But said relationship is with Ms. "You mean monogamy isn't deviant?" Blackjack. Which means that, in her internal balance of motivations, instead of "I must be true to my marefriend!", she gets "I... should be true to my marefriend... but it's not as if she'd really mind, probably... and she slept with somepony else first... and my hormones are telling me that he has a really hot plot..."
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by O. Hinds on Sat Jun 22, 2013 5:14 am

Right, I've just been through and put in the list!
Icy Shake wrote:We can hire mercenaries to take the Paradise Mall back from the slavers inhabiting it and lease it to the Finders.

Isn't the third sister a Finder herself? Is she still in charge of Pardise? (I guess the slavers took over from her, maybe? If so, does that make Bottlecap the winner?)
Paradise used to be run by one of the sisters, but Red Eye took over I forget how many chapters ago.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Guest on Sat Jun 22, 2013 6:09 am

I guess I just really want Blackjack to sacrifice for Glory just this once. I mean Glory has given up so much for BJ her cutiemark, her family, her name, her wing and her appearance. 

Somber asked at one point what we would like to see with PH in the coming chapters, at the time I didn't know what I wanted to see. I do now. 

I want BJ with another partner (stallion/mare doesn't matter really)  Glory walks on the pair and I want BJ to notice Glory's upset despite acting like she isn't and I want BJ to sacrifice a part of herself for her lover. 

I fully understand PH is not about what I want. I understand that it's not likely something many of you want, just thought I throw it out there for anyone who might agree. 

I just really don't like where their relationship is heading. I believe if it continues Glory will be giving up what little remains of her identity.

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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Overlong Analysis Cobalt on Sat Jun 22, 2013 6:21 am

@Last
Speaking as someone who has zero problems with polyamory (albeit not someone who has any particular interest in it), I agree with this sentiment. =P Though tbh I'd rather even that Blackjack just decided on her own, even if Glory says she's okay with it, to abstain from bonking other ponies until Glory has made up her mind properly about it, because it definitely doesn't seem like she has. It doesn't need to be a big thing, just an understated and tender sort of scene. That would be sweet; I don't know if it'd be good for the story, but it's something that would be nice. Advice for Blackjack rather than advice for Somber, if you will.

That said, this also sort of runs into the problem of Blackjack pulling the martyr thing, and runs contrary to what the two of them have communicated as their intentions and needs going forward. Neither of those things are super great. And I do think that monogamy is not so central a part of Glory's identity that losing that will send her over the edge more than any other thing.

EDIT: I remember the name of the thing I was talking about earlier! It's Daniel Dennett's Intentional Stance. Even if it's not your cup of tea, it's nice to have a clever reason to swear at your computer like it's being intentionally thick when it won't connect to a wireless network. =P
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by WavemasterRyx on Sat Jun 22, 2013 6:52 am

*hugs Somber gently*

I think it was a great chapter, Somber. Thank you again for all the hard work that you put into writing it, and thank you to Hinds and Bronode for your help.

Initial thoughts:
There was a pretty good mix of feeling in this chapter, and I think it highlighted the stress Blackjack was feeling well.

The saddest part was definitely Lacunae begging Blackjack to kill her near the beginning, which made me tear up quite badly. Contrasted with Scotch (and Rampage) chasing after Charm to get her revenge, which I giggled at quite a bit.

Boo was quite adorable in this chapter as well.

As for the problems with Glory sating her need with Splendid, I didn't think it was a problem at all.

As always, I shall try my best to get a full commentary done soon, and probably fail, as always.
Try to take care, Somber. I hope things get better for you soon. *hugs again*
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by O. Hinds on Sat Jun 22, 2013 7:09 am

WavemasterRyx wrote:*hugs Somber gently*

I think it was a great chapter, Somber. Thank you again for all the hard work that you put into writing it, and thank you to Hinds and Bronode for your help.

Initial thoughts:
There was a pretty good mix of feeling in this chapter, and I think it highlighted the stress Blackjack was feeling well.

The saddest part was definitely Lacunae begging Blackjack to kill her near the beginning, which made me tear up quite badly. Contrasted with Scotch (and Rampage) chasing after Charm to get her revenge, which I giggled at quite a bit.

Boo was quite adorable in this chapter as well.

As for the problems with Glory sating her need with Splendid, I didn't think it was a problem at all.

As always, I shall try my best to get a full commentary done soon, and probably fail, as always.
Try to take care, Somber. I hope things get better for you soon. *hugs again*
I thought that you'd like the Boo. Then again, though, I pretty much always expect you to like Boo. :)

Oh, yes, I actually had a very cute mental image in your art style while working on the chapter. Boo's head slooowly rising above the edge of the desk, first her ears, then her big eyes, and probably accompanied by a cartoon sound effect.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Evilgidgit on Sat Jun 22, 2013 10:55 am

Yay, new chapter!Spike

Spoiler:
I think either Splendid or Grace would be the best choices, but I suspect Blackjack will pull a surprise on everyone - e.g. Make all three royal kids joint rulers, turn the Society into a presidency, make Glory/Boo/Hoity Toity ruler, etc.

I loved Boo and the Dealer in this chapter, and seeing Rampage tackle down the doors to massacre the assassins was hilarious. I was almost certain the Goddess had died when she possessed Blackjack, but was even more suprised by Lancer's appearance.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Harmony Ltd. on Sat Jun 22, 2013 11:06 am

RE BlackJack's choice :

personally, I believe at this point it's down to either Grace or a Wild Card - meaning she either choose Grace of the three choices offered to her, or she takes a metaphorical third, well, technically fourth option.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by SilentCarto on Sat Jun 22, 2013 11:43 am

O. Hinds wrote:4:
"“Triage... is going to be... disappointed...” I muttered as I struggled to regenerate my injuries.  Despite it all, I smiled.  I hadn’t killed her, and that might come to bite me in the ass later... but lying there in the Hoofington rain, the blood being washed from me... I suspected that Twilight and her friends would say I’d won.  Heh... I could have hopped on my broadcaster and... wait...
    I sat up with a groan, staring straight ahead.  My broadcaster!  Why hadn’t I thought of it while I was inside?  I could have told everypony about--
    The Goddess’s smugness enveloped me, and I imagined a condescending pat on my head.  Of course we, were going away now.  And she wasn’t going to let me go back into the Enervation field.  Oooh...
    ‘I hate you...’ I thought viciously at the consciousness in the back of my mind.
    ‘Lesser beings usually do,’ she replied grandly.  I muttered to myself as we returned."
That still doesn't quite make sense. While BJ was "out", Trixie had her running in and out of the E-field. If it cut off Trixie's ability to manipulate BJ and Trixie couldn't implant ongoing instructions, BJ should have suddenly frozen in the middle of the E-field until the memory orb ran out. And if she could implant instructions, then one of those instructions could easily have been "don't think about your broadcaster" or "keep on not telling anyone". At any rate, I thought Trixie laid that down as a standing order way back when BJ had her "Unity moment" over a box of magazines in the Star House.

O. Hinds wrote:
56 is up!
Augh! Right when I was starting my game! And today, I gotta be somewhere in two hours. Guess I know what I'm doing tomorrow...
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Derpmind on Sat Jun 22, 2013 2:17 pm

Overlong Analysis Cobalt wrote:Chapter reactions and thoughts time.
Right here!:
Oh, and yeah, Hoity's an obvious choice because then, short of an assassination, they won't have succession problems, and he's a fantastic judge of character who's loyal to what King Awesome represented to the Society. We'll see.

Boo. What is Boo? A Blank with an excess of mirror neurons that has allowed to to form a connection with Blackjack (perhaps she was so distraught when BJ left because on some level part of her ability to think is tied to being around Blackjack)? That's probably crazy-talk. Still, it's undeniable that there is something weird about that pony.

Spoiler:
Double Spoilers:
Darn, I wanted to make the Hoity Toity prediction first! My future-o-meter is registering a 100% certainty that Hoity Toity will be BJ's pick for regent. Going off Dealer's speech about valuing virtue over order, Hoity Toity has shown that he values virtue strongly. He left the Society, and will again, if it falls into barbarism again. I agree with your points about his judge of character and loyalty, but I gotta say you're off the mark about his lack of aging. Reforming the Society is a much more short-term problem than worrying about death by age, and assassination attempts are quite common as evidenced by the chapter.

I'm sticking to my theory that Boo is connected to Discord, and all her strangeness is from having a touch of chaotic power.

Edit: Ok, wow, I was looking for a picture to go with my post and I found this instead.
Big pictures:

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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Kippershy on Sat Jun 22, 2013 3:44 pm

So, not finished yet but almost there. The chapter hasn't been as interesting for me as they usually are, and there has been multiple times where I've questioned what particular phrases you use, mostly revolving around the way they feel like Blackjack is telling the story to us as another character, not narrating it to herself.

And a typo which has no doubt been picked up on a million times now:

"and I couple practically feel" - could practically...



edit 1:
Not so keen on the text in brackets part. I know I did this early on in my own story, but since then I've seen it as a "dirty" way of narrating which is more showing us what happened, not telling us using description. I could be wrong, it could be a perfectly acceptable way to express a point and you might be right in doing this, but it feels out of place as I don't recall you ever using that method before.
But then again, you are an English teacher and I'm just some guy over the internet, so that might just be me.


edit: done.
Don't really have anything to say.


Last edited by Kippershy on Sat Jun 22, 2013 3:57 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Moodyman90 on Sat Jun 22, 2013 3:54 pm

Granted this is just me and isn't meant to be a prediction or a suggestion, but if I was in Blackjack's place, and had her reputation, I would...




Long Ramble:

Inform that whoever I picked was not to harm the others, but let them stay or leave in peace if they want to. Followed by whoever I picked is not to be harmed by anybody and those I didn't pick should do their best to protect and help the one I did pick if they decide to stay. I would make it crystal clear that if anybody was killed or even harmed, I would be back to level the whole god damn place regardless if it was an accident or not.

I would then pick Grace with Hoity Toity as an adviser, or Hoity Toity as ruler and Grace as co-ruler if I just had to pick one of the three siblings. Then I would make it clear to both of them that things better start getting better for the serfs within the next few weeks or I would be back. Throw in a "shooty" glare for good measure.

Then let the serfs know that things will be getting better and I would be back if they're not. But with that also add I didn't want to hear about a revolt or else I'd be back for them and not in a good way.


Once again, just what I would do, and most likely not what's going to happen. And actual prediction from me is that there's going to be at least one major fight somewhere before or after Blackjack makes her choice. If the Society is still standing after it is up to Somber.
And on the topic of Order versus Virtue, I hope what I would do would set an Order that would give way to Virtue without its being hallowed.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by WavemasterRyx on Sat Jun 22, 2013 5:31 pm

O. Hinds wrote:I thought that you'd like the Boo.  Then again, though, I pretty much always expect you to like Boo.  :)

Oh, yes, I actually had a very cute mental image in your art style while working on the chapter.  Boo's head slooowly rising above the edge of the desk, first her ears, then her big eyes, and probably accompanied by a cartoon sound effect.
Heh, well as far as bets go, that one's about the safest bet you could make.

It's certainly a shame I can't do smooth animations like that, there certainly are plenty of moments in the story that would warrant it.


@Derpmind:

Derpmind wrote:I'm sticking to my theory that Boo is connected to Discord, and all her strangeness is from having a touch of chaotic power.
Well, unless I'm completely wrong, she was created using Discord's blood, after all.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Train Dodger on Sat Jun 22, 2013 6:33 pm

O. Hinds wrote:I disagree here. I read it as the second one being part of "You trust everypony." Sorry.

No big deal. I like that line just fine the way it is. I hardly expect all of these edits to be accepted. It's entirely up to you to decide which ones to keep and which ones to toss. A good portion of these edit suggestions are borderline cases, anyway. Part of being thorough. I do go a little bit overboard, sometimes, but that's just because I don't want to feel like I'm missing anything that may need your attention.

Huh, just what the heck is a "micromagic cell", anyway? Something kinda like an MFC? I noticed that tidbit was cut completely from the description of Blackjack's haul.

Chapter 2:

Perk: Telekinetic Precision

Prose: Should read as "New Perk:".

(Whoops, I forgot to bold it in the example in the previous post; sorry about that)

Chapter 5:

New perk: Shotgun Surgeon

Prose: Should be capitalized as "New Perk:".

(Same deal)

Now these are forty foals you don't want as playmates:

Chapter 6:

The rain had returned while we were in Ironshod Firearms R&D; this time it was a seemingly endless drizzle that cut the world down to a thirty foot bubble around us and rendered the ground a layer of slippery muck.

Grammar: Should be hyphenated as "thirty-foot".

I wasn’t going to discard a single bullet or bit of loot that might contribute to our ten-thousand cap goal, though, and with P-21’s injured leg and Glory’s lack of pockets that left me slogging through knee-deep mud while they trotted ahead.

Grammar: Should be revised as follows:

[I wasn’t going to discard a single bullet or bit of loot that might contribute to our ten-thousand-cap goal, though, and with P-21’s injured leg and Glory’s lack of pockets, that left me slogging through knee-deep mud while they trotted ahead.]

OR

[I wasn’t going to discard a single bullet or bit of loot that might contribute to our ten-thousand-cap goal, though, and with P-21’s injured leg and Glory’s lack of pockets, I was left slogging through knee-deep mud while they trotted ahead.]

Never have I been so happy to reach a parking lot.

Comment: She's spent her entire life underground. This is one of the first few times she's been in a parking lot, so I can't imagine the novelty's worn off yet. Still, I like this passage as-is. You can see the weariness creeping in already.

One day I’d find somepony who could explain how the magical cuff could tell if something was going to shoot me off hand or not.

Grammar: Should be a comma after "day". Also, "off hand" is usually hyphenated as "off-hand" or compounded as "offhand".

Their clothes were trimmed and patch free.

Grammar: Needs a hyphen between patch and free.

Refreshment involved chilled Sparkle-Cola RAD, which had a delicious sharp radish flavor –and more clicks on the radiation sensor- and some fresh carrots and apples.

Grammar: The parenthetical text should have additional spaces between the dashes, and the em dash should be copied over the hyphen at the end:

[Refreshment involved chilled Sparkle-Cola RAD, which had a delicious sharp radish flavor – and more clicks on the radiation sensor – and some fresh carrots and apples.]

“So, excuse me for wanting to talk business while we eat, but who exactly are we evicting from that building?” P-21 asked as he batted a half eaten carrot around his plate.

Grammar: Should be hyphenated as "half-eaten".

I gave him a sharp glare that hopefully said ‘do not piss off the nice unicorn with the hot flank.’

Grammar: Period should be outside the single-quote mark.

“Members of the Collegiate that have some academic interest in the site,” Splendid said calmly, without showing the slightest bit of umbrage.

Prose: The word "umbrage" is generally used in exactly the same way as "offense", as in "offended", which means it should be paired with "taking" rather than "showing".

Heh. Umbrage. Actually, you know, it's funny. For an idiot, Blackjack has an amazing vocabulary. I kid you not; in 53, the narrative actually describes something as diaphanous. Maybe all that taint and radiation is good for your brain!

But for a thousand years and more Equestria knew peace and harmony under an autocrat.

Grammar: Should be a comma after "more".

Somehow, the fact we were in a rusty sky trailer drinking two hundred year old soda and finding fresh food a luxury made such a simple nostalgic desire both tantalizing and disappointing.

Grammar: Should be hyphenated as "two-hundred-year-old".

“What’s gotten into you?” I asked, and grinned at he went even redder.

Grammar: [at] > [as]

The brown buck with scraggly black mane nodded.

Grammar: [with] > [with a]

“There is.  When we got here, we found that the upper levels are completely untouched.  They must have sealed hermetically when the bombs fell and only disengaged when radiation levels dropped to survivable levels.”

Prose: Repetition. Consider "when the background radiation dropped to survivable levels", instead.

A plaque at the base of the statue read, ‘We Must Do Better.’  Looking at the pegasus’ gentle smile, I couldn’t shake the feeling that the statue wept for all the decay around her.

Grammar: Unless the text on the plaque itself has a period, which is a distinct possibility, the period should be outside single-quote mark. Also:

[pegasus'] > [pegasus's]

There was way too much space around me and the glass walls didn’t provide enough illusion.

Prose: While she is presumably referring to the illusion of being in an enclosed space, to the majority of readers, this sentence might seem to trail off. Instead, try:

[There was way too much open space around me.  The glass walls didn’t help.]

My PipBuck’s chronometer might still mark the time, but every minute felt like an hour.

Prose: Should be past tense, as in "might've still marked the time".

I was not used to the soft chime music that played softly all around us like an invisible music box that kept playing just a touch too slowly.

Prose: Repetition. Consider revising to:

[I was not used to the soft, chiming melody that played all around us, like an invisible music box with a cylinder that turned just a touch too slowly.]

There were other little variances; dolls hanging from in the middle of the hallway.

Grammar: Hanging from what, now? Might make more sense if this were revised to read:

[There were other little variances; dolls hanging from the ceiling in the middle of the hallway.]

OR

[There were other little variances; dolls hanging from light fixtures in the middle of the hallway.]

Two dozen bed sheets stretched across the hallway, decorated with maroon houses and stick figures.  And more detailed pictures of ponies.  And… fire.  And ponies fighting.  Ponies dismembered.

Prose: The word "pictures" evokes a mental image of photographs pinned to the sheets. Consider replacing it with "paintings".

“Calm down,” I muttered, trying my best not to freak out.  “It’s just a head.”  As we watched a little door opened up and a small mechanical pony trotted out and washed off the smears of blood with rotating buffers on its hooves.  It ignored the severed head.  Now that was some shoddy programming.  Then it turned and disappeared back into its little door.

Prose: This paragraph is somewhat confusing. The location of the door to the maintenance robot's enclosure is never explicitly stated. Given the context of the passages preceding it, a particularly hasty reader may initially be given the impression that the robot actually emerged from the severed head, transforming what should be a truly horrific event in the story into a moment of surreal comedy. To resolve this ambiguity, consider revising to:

[“Calm down,” I muttered, trying my best not to freak out.  “It’s just a head.”  As we watched, a knee-high door in the wall opened up and a small mechanical pony trotted out and washed off the smears of blood with rotating buffers on its hooves.  It ignored the severed head.  Now that was some shoddy programming.  Then it turned and disappeared back into its little door.]

>Peek a boo.  I see you.

Grammar: "Peek a boo" should be hyphenated as "Peek-a-boo".

The scream that began to play from the terminal rose and fell at ear splitting volume.

Grammar: The separate words "ear splitting" can be hyphenated as "ear-splitting", or compounded to "earsplitting".

We came across a door with something new carved in the wood paneling.  ‘Ollie Ollie Oxen Free’.  I carefully opened it telekinetically, revealing a desiccated corpse ruled in a fetal position in the tiny space at the bottom of the linen closet.

Grammar: Shouldn't this say "rolled" instead?

Scratched in the wood before the body was a simple eulogy: ‘I don’t want to play anymore.’

Grammar: Again, unless the quoted text has a period, the period should be outside the single-quote mark. This one looks fairly natural as-is, though.

Morning Glory hyperventilated as P-21 talked to her in his soft low voice, holding the young pegasus to keep her from falling over.

Prose: Seems kinda redundant. Consider using one or the other: "soft" or "low". Alternatively, since both "in his soft voice" and "in his low voice" look a little bit weird, consider "talked to her in a hushed tone".

I found an ID card that read ‘Chief Nurse Tenderheart.’

Grammar: Period should probably go outside the single quote mark.

Hopefully door locks like the kind that protected experimental healing goods…  Fuck that.  Hopefully it would get the three of us out of here.

Prose: This statement introduces a small continuity issue. She seems to be implying that they're trapped. As far as the reader knows, they can still make for the exit. See notes at the end of this overview for more details.

Through reflex more than thought my telekinesis flung them away as the three of us hit the deck.   Silence.  Silence.  Silence.

Grammar: Triple-space between words in bold.

Sick fu- wait...not sick enough.

Grammar: Missing space after ellipsis.

I looked ahead with a scowl.  “Whatever’s in here had better be worth it; I’m in shooty kind of mood.”

Grammar: [in shooty] > [in a shooty]

A body dressed in a foal’s tutu impaled on a turn table.

Grammar: Should be compounded as "turntable".

Everything was neat and clean and tidy; I was starting the hate the cleanliness.

Grammar: [the] > [to]

Also, this sentence begins with a single-space instead of a double-space.

I was getting sick of wooded wall paper and frozen birds and butterflies.

Grammar: Should be compounded as "wallpaper".

I used the bits we had to clean out the soda machines, sharing one with each of them.

Prose: Them who? Her friends, or the pop machines? What's she sharing? Consider revising to:

[I used the bits we had to clean out the soda machines, sharing two of the carbonated beverages with Glory and P-21.]

Ehh, "carbonated beverages" might have a few too many syllables for Blackjack. Too prim and proper. Too sciency. Consider "fizzy drinks" as an alternative revision, too.

A means of preserving injured or sick ponies.  “This is it,” I said in excitement.  “If Splendid can bring his father here they can keep him alive till the Collegiate makes a cure.  Heee!  I love it when a plan comes together!”

Grammar: Should be a comma between "here" and "they".

From the roof came a sharp flash and I felt the bite of a beam weapon hit my chest.

Prose: [roof] > [ceiling]

Silence.  Green light!  Red light!  Green light!   Red light!  Morning Glory staggered a half step forward and cried out as the beam turret struck her leg.

Grammar: Triple-space between words in bold.

Give up and die… that was the easy out.  The contemptuous way out.

Prose: Should most likely be:

[contemptuous] > [contemptible]

I passed him the key card.

Grammar: The term "key card" can also be compounded as "keycard".

“You do the pony pokie and you turn yourself around.  That’s what it’s all about.”

Typo: [pokie] > [pokey]

“You load another shell in and you blast it all about!  You do the pony pokie and take the fuckers out.  That’s what it’s all about!”

Typo: [pokie] > [pokey]

The shoulders of the filly ripped as two metallic tendrils burst from her shoulders.

Prose: Repetition. Consider revising to:

[The filly's dress ripped as two metallic tendrils burst from her shoulders.]

The lights kept flickering on and off, making me jump as portions appeared and disappeared.

Prose: Portions of what? Consider revising:

[The lights kept flickering on and off, making me jump as entire hallway segments appeared and disappeared.]

With a wry smile, I picked up a file on top of one of the towers.  ‘Marigold: P:H medical authorization: Denied.’  Only the Ministry of Peace could have a form denial stamp with frowning bunnies, I supposed.

Prose: Should there be a colon in this acronym? Trottenheimer's journal referred to it simply as PH, but I suppose it could easily be explained as a simple difference in formatting between the two documents in-universe.

Some idiot severed the maneframe control  ….kzzzzzzt… scalpel and got electrocuted for her trouble.

Grammar: This ellipsis has four periods instead of the standard three.

The biomedical team found the …kkkkzzztt… experimental of course, but it’s almost a megaspell level infusion.

Grammar: Should probably be hyphenated as "megaspell-level".

Skinned them alive.  They were... posed.  It’s got to be Morn… kzzzzt… or Nigh… kkkztttt…. find them, they’re arrested and command can figure out who to shoot.

Grammar: Should be three periods.

I’ll shoot em myself and save command the trouble.

Grammar: This contraction of "them" should have an apostrophe before it.

[em] > ['em]

….zzzzzzt…. tired of playing…

Grammar: Should be three periods.

A white mare with graying pink hair stood behind the desk in...an undamaged version of  the office I’d just been in?

Grammar: No space after ellipsis. Also, double-space between "of" and "the".

Then the door opened and admitted a purple mare with smiling flowers on her flank.  She had wrinkles around her eyes and her hair was completely gray.  The two mares looked at one another with clear dislike… and yet I could tell there’d once been the foundations of friendship between the two.  Nopony shows that much regret without having lost something dear.

Prose: The way this paragraph is structured, some readers may assume that Cheerilee had a staredown with Garnet instead of Redheart. Consider revising:

[Then the door opened and admitted a purple mare with smiling flowers on her flank.  She had wrinkles around her eyes and her hair was completely gray.  Garnet watched as the two mares looked at one another with clear dislike… and yet I could tell there’d once been the foundations of friendship between the two.  Nopony shows that much regret without having lost something dear.]

Cheerilee.  So good to see you again.  How are things at the education bureau?” my… host?... inquired, rising and giving a polite hug.

Grammar: Since the dialogue tag is all one sentence, this question mark should probably be removed. The presence of the ellipses alone is enough to denote uncertainty on Blackjack's part.

Once everyone settled in to a little circle, Redheart immediately spoke to the purple mare beside her.  “I know you’ve had second thoughts, Cheerilee, but we’re already committed to their use.”

Grammar: [in to] > [into]

“I know that you’re upset, Cheerilee, but we’ve tested them for three months with no ill effects, aside for a few complaints about boredom.”

Prose: Should probably be "aside from". Perhaps.

I saw the spectre of Redheart and Cheerilee’s friendship appear as the former walked over, bit a box of tissues, and offered one to the other mare.

Typo: Assuming that we're using American spellings, this should be:

[spectre] > [specter]

“Oh, don’t worry about it.  Oh, just a heads up that Robronco will be here to tie the maintenance robots into the system maneframe.  Once their control system is linked to the bots, your nurses shouldn’t have to worry about them causing messes.”

Grammar: Should be hyphenated as "heads-up".

Then the Enclave arrived and connected the maneframe again.  The children had resumed their games, honed after decades of being trapped within themselves.

Comment: How did they hone much of anything without access to their drone-controlled equipment? Simulations? Thought experiments?


Then I heard the sharp crack from near the roof and the air vent tumbled into the room.  Glory poked her head in, eyes wide, teeth clenched on her beam pistol.  Right now she was a more welcome sight than Splendid stepping out of a hot shower.

    “Bad.  Bad.  Bad ponies.  Bad.” the robots chanted as the medical arm released my guts and reversed to slam itself against the grate.  Glory leapt into the air, circling the arm as she looped above me.


Prose: When Glory breaks into the operating room to rescue Blackjack, it isn't quite clear how she makes her entrance. Did the grating land on the robotic arm? How far away is the air vent? Why would the robotic arm have to knock the grating away if it landed on the floor? Is the vent opening horizontal or vertical? Consider revising:

[Then, I heard a sharp crack from the ceiling directly above me. An air vent cover collapsed onto the robotic arm, jamming its metallic hand deeper into my innards.  Glory poked her head in, eyes wide, teeth clenched on her beam pistol.  Right now she was a more welcome sight than Splendid stepping out of a hot shower.

    “Bad.  Bad.  Bad ponies.  Bad.” the robots chanted as the medical arm released my guts and reversed to slam itself against the fallen grating.  Glory dived from the ductwork, circling the arm as she looped above me.]

Ouch.

I lifted my head and looked at the buckles on the straps holding my limbs.  Pain made the world black out around my edges of my vision as I fumbled with my magic.

Prose: [my] > [the]

One of the buckles came free..  Then another.  Then another.

Grammar: Two periods instead of one.

When I came to, I felt good.  Great.  Wonderful in fact.

Grammar: Needs comma after "Wonderful".

> Patient intercom system: Error.  System disabled.

Grammar: There's a space between the terminal line break indicator and the word "Patient". The others don't have one. Consider removing this space.

P-21 shook his head firmly as he looked at the wide eyed pegasus.

Grammar: Consider hyphenating as "wide-eyed".

“I want to do one.  She wants to do the other.  You’re the tie breaker.”

Grammar: Can also be compounded as "tiebreaker".

I choked, but then Glory sang after me, “Drifting off to sleep, leave exciting day behind you.  Drifting off to sleep.  Let the joy of daylight find you.”  She was falling apart as badly as I was.  The only light in the room was the jagged readouts on each pod that became less and less erratic till they became flat lines.

    P-21 then shocked us both as he raised his voice and finished, “Hush now, quiet now.  Lay down your sleepy head.  Hush now, quiet now.  It’s time to go to bed.”  With that he bowed his head as well as I sank to the floor.  Finally the flat readings winked out one after the other.

Prose: The words marked in bold aren't found in the original lyrics. Unless the variations are introduced by Glory and P-21 misremembering the lyrics, consider removing them.

To my surprise, Redheart yielded the object to my magic surprisingly easily.

Prose: Repetition. Consider revising to:

[To my bewilderment, Redheart yielded the object to my magic surprisingly easily.]

Footnote: Level up.
New perk: Foal at Heart- This perk greatly improves your interactions with children.
Skill note: Speech- 50

Prose: Standardized as:

[Footnote: Level Up.

Skill Note: Speech (50)

New Perk: Foal at Heart – This perk greatly improves your interactions with children.]


* * * * * * *

When Blackjack says that she hopes Tenderheart's ID badge will get them out of there, she's essentially implying that the readers are supposed to assume the three of them are trapped on the upper floors. They can still turn around, head back to the elevator and take it down to ground level, right? Nothing so far had indicated otherwise.

That passage would have made a lot more sense if they'd tried heading back down to warn the others at the first sign of trouble, only to find the way back blocked off.

Blackjack's mental reaction to seeing 'PLAY' written on the wall upon exiting the lift always seemed a little too dramatic to me. At that point, she didn't know who wrote it, when, or why, or even that it was written in blood.

After the line: [In flaking black-maroon letters, a single word was written as if with a paintbrush. ‘PLAY’.], consider adding a sentence or two where Morning Glory tries the lift controls, only to find them disabled, and Blackjack notices this. Now that's something that would make me think "horseapples", were I in her situation.

On the other hand, Glory wouldn't have been stuck with Blackjack and P-21 even if the way was blocked to on-hoof travel; the Fluttershy Medical Center has an open atrium in the center, presumably viewable from balconies on the upper floors. Glory could simply hop over the safety railing and glide to the bottom at any time. Hell, she could even carry the other two down, if need be. I mean, they're certainly trapped later on, but at that stage, it's not so clear.

Damn, I can see why Somber made Glory ground-bound in later chapters. It sure is convenient having fliers around. Too convenient. Leads to plot holes a-plenty. Makes readers ask "Why didn't they just, you know, wing it?"

* * * * * * *

This chapter is one of my favorites.

I thought Blackjack's objectifying gaze towards Splendid was hilarious.

Actually, given her history, it's not hilarious. It's a little bit creepy.

The atmosphere in the hospital is just downright hellish, especially the bait-and-switch where you think it's one of the Enclave gone nuts, but it turns out to be a bunch of kids in stasis pods setting up traps for people.

Heheheh, Ceiling Glory is Watching You Disembowel Blackjack. God, that whole scene made me squirm in my seat.


Last edited by Train Dodger on Sat Jun 22, 2013 9:39 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion

Post by Luminous Lead on Sat Jun 22, 2013 8:12 pm

One spelling error I noticed near the start.
"And shortly before he did"
should be

"And shortly before he died"
That's a clever turn of phrase, but I guess it went over my head the first four times.

So, this was a really good chapter, lots of humour.  Loved that first assassination attempt, eating the knife was a really nice touch (Blackjack should do that more often, eventually her foes won't have much to shoot her with!).

Blackjack got new family!  Too bad they all want to take her spot as head don.  Gotta say that Grace probably had the best chance of getting through, until Lancer showed up (man, next chapter is going to be hilarious if I understood that foreshadowing correctly!)  Splendid's plan was pretty much M#7's Red Eye, and Charm was (as Scotch so aptly pointed out) pretty much the neo-Overmare.  Yuck to both.

I, for one, welcome the new Zebra overlord.


Last edited by Luminous Lead on Sat Jun 22, 2013 8:30 pm; edited 1 time in total

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